Venting

So, can I be honest here?

When my boyfriend isn't around, I struggle more to fight the thoughts to self harm. I find it hard not to find reasons to do it, or excises to make after I do it. I can't remember why I quit, and I keep telling myself 'just once' which is NEVER how it is going to be. Yet somehow I manage to convince myself that I can, and that somehow it will be alright.
I try to convince myself that my boyfriend will forgive me, although I don't know if he would.

Everything seems to evoke the urge to cause myself pain....
When I am at work, if someone tells me that I am being too slow, or not doing something right, or really anything that is considered "constructive criticism", on the outside I take it well, smile and nod, and comply. But what really happens inside my mind and inside my shell? I immediately start criticizing myself twice as much as whoever was to begin with. I get irritated, and I get an overwhelming sense to run. I get such an urge to go home and find a blade that usually I will "accidentally" fall into things at work. I will "accidentally" hit my hand/wrist/shoulder on walls, or shut them in doors, or do many things that just cause me pain, even if only temporary. I starve. I make sure I exercise in small ways when I am at work, so that I know I am burning more calories than I usually would.
If I am at home, and my boyfriend triggers me unknowingly, or says something that I don't take well, I simply turn it inwards. I tear myself down in every way possible because I get so mad about these things. By the time I am done, I am either wishing I was dead or wishing I had a blade.
Cutting is very much still a part of my life. Burning isn't as much as it used to be, but I still wish I could do it sometimes when I don't have access to a blade.
When someone tells me how ugly my scars are, or my boyfriend does, I just stay silent. It makes me want to cry, but I don't say a goddamn word.
Why?

Why do I never speak up for myself when it really matters and tears me down, but I will be the most outspoken person and sure as hell speak up when it's about things that aren't personal.
Why do I never let someone know that I am hurting?

There is a blade sitting in my room, right now.
All I can do is stare at it and will myself not to get up and get it. I can find temporary distractions, but even as I am typing this blog post I know that it is there. I know that it's so easy to reach, and that I have perfect circumstances to do it.
I don't know where the blade came from, and I don't know if it's sanitary. But I keep reciting to msyelf ways to sterilize it so that I can use it. And if that fails, I know I have a knife.
When my boyfriend is around and I know that I can't pick up a blade or do anything he considers "suspicious" I simply bottle everything up. I know that I can't make him understand what I am going through, why it isn't so easy to "just" find a distraction. Why it isn't easy to "just" not feel suicidal or to "just" stop.  I find it quite hard to talk to him about these things, and that combined with my fear of losing him just makes me suicidal.
I wish I was dead, wish nobody every knew I existed.

School is such a big trigger for me too. I don't want to sit down and do school because that allows for the negative thoughts to find a home in my head once again. I know they are always there, and that it doesn't really make a difference.... but I feel like if I go fast enough and have enough on my mind and do enough things at once, I can keep the thoughts away. Oh, how easy it is to lie to myself.

I want to just sleep all the time. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I think about quitting my job every day so that I can just do that. But somehow I never do.
These things are taking a toll on me, and making me feel batshit crazy. Either way I lose. If I cut, I lose. If I don't, I lose. I don't even give a fuck which of the consequences is worse. I just want to cut.

I talked to my boyfriend a little the other day, in the brief hour he saw me in shorts. I started telling him how fat I felt, and how I saw myself as a whale. I told him how the fat on my thighs makes me want to die, and now I hate everything about myself. He mentioned going on a healthier diet with me and going to the gym.... but then not even 2 hours later he was getting Dairy Queen. I got some too, of course. Because I guess I just love to hate myself. He told me that the fat and jiggle on my thighs was "sexy". He told me he didn't want me getting too tiny. I could only look at him. How in the hell could you think I am sexy when I look like shamu?! It kind of made me want to cry, because I am so far from what he sees, and eventually he will realize it.  I am waiting for that relapse.

I don't know what the point of typing all of that out is, because it doesn't matter. Everything will stay the same, and I will just keep dealing and sucking it up until I can't suck any more. I will isolate if that's what it takes.
But it's just to wait until I start falling down again. It's only inevitable. How could I ever get better from this "half life"?? I don't even know that I want to.
Most days a small tiny part of my brain wishes that my bf would just realize that I am not good enough for him., and leave me. Because that will be the trigger for my relapse, and  I know it is coming. I can feel a relapse coming, and I don't know what that means for me.

Anyways, enough rambling from my thoughts for now.

Tuesday, March 17

I opened at my work today, meaning I was there at 5am. That's early for me, but even earlier when I don't sleep well.
Which is most days.

I was hoping work would be good, because lately I have been kind of dreading showing up for my shifts there. It's just the people, they tend to put me with people who don't work well with me rather than those that do.

They did however put me with good people today and therefore work wasn't too bad.
Tomorrow I work at 11am.

Depression has been kicking my ass. There isn't anyone I am motivated to hang out with or see besides my boyfriend, and I know that's dumb. It's not that hard........ except it is.

Still no progress in school.
I almost slipped up and cut yesterday, and then I told my boyfriend I needed him today, only for him to get called into work a half hour after I got off work. So now I can either spend the next 6 hours alone, or I can go chill with my best friend.

Ive been smoking cigarettes too, again. Quitting isn't going well, but only because I want to starve, and when I starve I cope with cigarettes.

It's finally getting warm here, and I decided to put on shorts one day when i knew the only person I would be seeing is my boyfriend.
A lot of the scars on my legs are really prevalent still, and they look pretty nasty. It's triggering for me to look at my legs because I miss cutting so fucking much, but yet everyone around me tells me that they can't stand seeing the 'old' scars on my legs. My grandma took one look at me, and then closed her eyes and started crying. Before I could say anything, she shook her head and said 'your legs....'.

That was triggering to me. I haven't eaten very much since then.
I just wish everything would stop.
I wish I could stop this ride for a while and just disappear. Come back when I wanted.
But I can't.

As for moving out, my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting our own place, with different roommates. But to do that, we would have to meet a lot more qualifications than what we would have to meet if we moved in with my best friends boyfriend. It's such a stressful situation, and I don't think I am handling it very well. But whatever.

Anyways, that's my update. I still haven't weighed, because I know I am a fat fucking whale, but eventually I will have to face the music.

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to Bella, Cursium, and Melanie for commenting on my last post.

I feel like people say this a lot, but it really means a lot to me. A lot of the time, I don't bother to voice my thoughts because I don't believe I'm  heard.
But it's nice to know that there are still people who care what I have to write, and who are sticking around because they want to.
It's nice to know that someone finds me interesting.
So just, thank you. Xx

...

Does anyone actually read this?
Does anyone actually care?
Or is it just me?
Is there a point to this?

An update?
I paid off both of my loans, and now am free of them.
I am thinking of moving in with my best friend and her boyfriend and my boyfriend so that I can be own my own.
However, I have the necessary $600, but I don't know if they will.
I have been working like mad. Close to 40 hours a week.
Buuuut all my money is going to shit. I don't have enough.
I still haven't done any school. The difference now is that I am lying and saying that I am making progress when I am not.
I'm pretty sure I am maintaining, but I won't weigh myself because I am depressed enough already.

I'm alone.
I have my boyfriend, but only to an extent. I am really alone in the worst way.
I feel so guilty. So sorry, for everything I do. I'm not worth it.
I have work at 5am tomorrow, and they just makes me want to cry. I don't want to go.
But I have to.

Does anyone actually care enough to read this? Is anyone there?