Just Another Day

I'm down another .8 lbs this morning, despite eating dinner last night. My current weight is 165.2 and I'm so happy. I don't know how I'm doing it, but I am. I'm fasting today, and I'm supposed to work from 3 - 10 tonight.
I'm so not looking forward to it, but I know I need to work.
I've been kind of okay, I guess. Since I became sick with the flu, I can't pinpoint one day from the next or really focus on anything that's happening. It's kind of like it's a dream and I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not. But I guess it is.

I don't really have much else to write. Like I said, I feel like I'm me but not really me. Not really paying attention to everything around me. Maybe I'm going crazy. *sigh* Oh well.

Why?

I took 2 laxies two days ago, and they didn't kick in. So I figured whatever and let it go. Well a full 24 hours after I took them, they finally took effect, and now they won't stop.
I've not even eaten barely any solid food in 2 days - I don't understand how they could still be taking effect, but they are. Or maybe unknowingly I've conditioned my system to treat everything as if laxies were mixed in. But that's not possible because if I don't take laxies, my digestive system doesn't work properly.

Whatever it is that I've done to myself, it's just another result of my ED. Just another side effect. Some of them scare the shit out of me, but not enough to make me stop. I will not stop. I can't.

Work Tales

I tried to call in sick today to work considering how shitty I felt.
But they told me that they were very busy and low on workers and that they needed me as asked if I could make myself well enough to come in for a few hours. After getting nowhere, I finally said I'd try to come in.
I lasted 3 hours. Barely. I kept needing to lean on walls, counters. I kept needing to steady myself so I wouldn't pass out or throw up. I was dizzy and lightheaded but nobody noticed. Finally I told her I had to go, and she let me. I couldn't believe she made me work. I told her I had the flu, and I'm not even lying. I also looked at the schedule and I'm scheduled to work three 7 hour shifts for the next couple of days. Haha right.
Right now it's 11 pm and I can't sleep. Thanks to the fact that I can't eat any solid food (and haven't eaten for the last 2 days) I had to fill myself up with soda. But I drank too much too fast and now I feel full and sick. My mind keeps saying WATER. WATER. WATER. But my body is still so full I can't drink anything. I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I'm going to call in for sure. There is absolutely no way I'll feel better by then, honestly. I don't know if I've got the flu or something else, but it fucking sucks. I like that I have no appetite, but I don't like the dizzyness that threatens to pull me to the ground every time I stand up.
Some people tell me I get sick too often. I know I do, but I guess I'm just so used to it that I don't really mind anymore.
Anyways, that's my update. I really hope I can get out of working tomorrow. I'm gonna cross my fingers.
And maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight for the first time in three days. Woo!

Weigh-In

I stood over my scale this morning, carefully undressing. Ignoring the lightheadedness that threatened to pull me to the ground.
I took a deep breath, and stepped on the scale. What I saw I couldn't believe. So I stepped on it again, and again I got the same number.
My goal for December was to weigh 168 lbs. Still fat, but not as fat as I was. My last recorded weight on December 19th was 171.8. So that means that in 7 days, I lost 5.8 lbs. That's an accomplishment in and of itself!
Todays weight was exactly 166.0. :D
I am so excited for myself, and I'm that much happier that I've got the flu.

I honestly can't believe it. But I'll take it! I fasted yesterday, and I'm fasting today too. My goal for January is 162. I've got 4 lbs to go! I can do this.

Christmas Day/Eve

Merry Christmas!
Today has been interesting to say the least. Today and yesterday, actually.
Yesterday we had our first Christmas (some members of my family refuse to be around others) and there was a lot of food involved. I was doing good (1 bite of pineapple, 2 swallows of Orange juice, 1/2 a "morningstar" muffin) until I got home, where I ate a bit more food than I would have liked. So I promised myself that I was going to fast today, and I did!

I woke up at 3:30am this morning, unable to sleep. I couldn't get comfortable in my bed, I was too hot then too cold, and I don't think I *actually* slept. This morning when I actually got up for Christmas, I was going to take some ibuprofen for my body aches, but I knew I'd have to eat. That thought made me sick, and soon after I ran to the bathroom and puked up the diet dr. Pepper I was drinking. I'm glad there wasn't food in my stomach.
So I tried to celebrate with my family, as this was the first Christmas I've had with my dad in a while. He isn't big on holidays, and usually doesn't participate. But today he actually opened and appreciated gifts, and was slightly sociable. That was everything I could have asked for.
This year, the idea of Christmas and gift giving made me uncomfortable. I'm okay with giving gifts, but I didn't want to recieve any because I feel like now this holiday is so commercialized and sort of selfish. But I still accepted gifts anyways, and tried to be a part of my family.
Then we had a second family celebration, where the majority of my family was. Other than being sick I had a good time. The smell of food kept making my stomach turn, but after we opened all the presents we played games and laughed and talked. It was a good time.

Essentially my intake today has consisted of Diet Dr. Pepper (which I threw up) and 1 can of Mtn. Dew (which I also threw up). So I'm at 170 cals. I feel really good about that. Despite being sick, I like that I have an excuse to avoid eating.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and finally see where I stand. My goal is 168 and my last recorded weight is on December 19. I weighed in at 171.8. I was supposed to be weighing myself every day and recording the weight but I've been slacking a little. There are 6 days left in December, and it would be really fucking sweet if I could make my goal. We'll see in the morning, I guess.

I'm also scheduled to work tomorrow through Sunday. But I'm going to at least call in tomorrow since I'm sick. Have I mentioned how much I DON'T like my job? The people there don't like me either, and I'm trying to find another job so I can quit this one. So far, I haven't had any luck.
I get paid on Friday, and I know where pretty much all of that money is going. But hopefully it goes well.
I wish I could sleep right now, as it's 10pm. But sleep evades me, and I can't take ibuprofen because I don't want to eat.
It should be a fun night. So anyways, Merry Christmas. (:

DONE

I hate life. I hate this constant battle in my head, I hate fighting all the time. I hate feeling so shitty that I take a blade to my arm. I hate the lies. I hate school. I hate work. I hate needing people that can never be there for me. I hate expecting things from other people. I hate my humanly desires, I hate everything.


I'm done.

Loopy Life

My days are passing by and they blend together into nothingness. I can't tell one from the other, but I guess that's okay.

It's almost 2am here, and I haven't slept in the last 28 hours. Let me just tell you, it's a fantastic feeling. Not.
Insomnia is a bitch, and usually weed helps. At least a little. But recently it's like nothing can knock me out.

I just got off of work.
I barely made it home before I burst into tears, and even now I'm still so upset. I'm having what can only be described as a meltdown, and I could really use someone to talk to, but of course!
EVERY SINGLE PERSON I COULD POSSIBLY BE TALKING TO THAT COULD HELP IS "BUSY" RIGHT NOW AND WON'T TEXT ME BACK!!!
This is all that ever fucking happens. Nobody is EVER around when I need them like this.
So fuck you. Fuck everyone. I'm shaking with rage and I really want to hit someone right now. Fuck me.

I'm on day 1 of fasting and I have been high all day.
Well, I actually had around 400 liquid calories, but I burned somewhere around 400 - 500 from walking.
Right now I'm really hungry. Nobody else is home and it is like the perfect time to eat. I feel good about my intake and net cals today, and I don't want to fuck it up. I weighed in at 171.8 today and I feel like I could be somewhere around 170 tomorrow. My goal for December is 168. But I've had that goal for 2 months now and I'm starting to doubt I'll get there.
But mayby this time, with Christmas coming up, I can actually starve properly and get there.
On December 8th I was at 169.4 and I was so close until I fucked it up. I will not do that again.

Last night, my dad caught me smoking weed. Right before that, my roommate caught me smoking weed. Because I was stupid. She saved my ass, but I have to prove I'm not. (even though I am)
Just another lie.
It's so sad how that's all I've become.
So now I've got to go out of my way to get high before I get home and to keep from smelling like it.
I've got to keep fooling everyone for three more months. That seems like such a long time. Actually, two and a half more months. But still.
I don't know where my friends and my boyfriend fit in with my life. I'm not really there anymore.

Anyways.. I had 1 of my 2 finals today and I honestly think I did pretty well. Math has never been my strong point, but the math I'm currently in seems to be going alright.
Tomorrow I have my English final. I missed a huge assignment in class and it dropped my grade down to about a D. I remember when English used to be my best subject. So now I need to do well on THAT final so that I can raise my grade. I'm disappointed with myself about school as much as it is, if I get a D in English I don't know exactly what I'll do.

So that's my little rant-ish update for the day. I'm now gonna crawl under my warm blankets and try to sleep and forget about food.

I'm getting so bad at hiding things. I'm slipping up. I'm making mistakes in my careful game.
I need to improve my skills again, I need to stay hidden. I can't get caught, everything would come crashing down.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can't let it crash down.

Self Loathing

I don't know how I can stand to live in my life. In my head.
I'm a failure at everything I do. All I do is cut, complain, sleep, and get fat. I'm a worthless human being and I don't deserve to live.
I want to cut so deep, I want to use my knife, I want to get lost. I don't want to live here, anywhere. I don't want to exist. But I should, as a punishment to myself.

I deserve to die in hell. I hate myself so much. I wish there was somebody I could tell, but I know I'm on my own. Waste of Space I am.
I'm probably gonna fail finals tomorrow too. I didn't study, I never put any effort into my work because I'm pathetic.
Even my boyfriend has given up and left me. I deserve nothing and no one. I wish I could throw myself under a bus, or get hit by a car. I wish I could jump off a cliff, or anything. I wish I could give my pathetic life up so someone else who is better could take my place.
I hate everything about myself. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this, because nothing ever changes.
I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Fuck it, I don't even deserve the hole.

Mirror Memory Part 2

Everybody is so wrapped up in their self that they don't see what's going on around them.
I try at least to focus more on others than I do myself. Last night I talked a friend out of suicide (at least a little). I have no accurate way to measure if I actually helped, but from the way the conversation went I hope I did.
I tune into my dad's relationship with my roommate. I know they're having issues because of her daughter and there's nothing I can do, but I still catch things that they might not see.
I try to help those around me in any way I can, but.. No. I need to stop. Right here, right now.
I'm not going down that road again.

I need to stop thinking. Especially today. I have finals on Thursday and Friday. I should be studying. But I'm not.
I think about the finals and the fact that I haven't done as well this semester as I could have. Then I start thinking about my past years of high school and I think about how I've failed myself. I think about how I've fallen away from the student I used to be/the daughter I used to be/the granddaughter I used to be/ the friend I used to be. I think and I think because onethoughtleadstoanother and it just grows into destruction. I tear myself down with thoughts like those, and they push me to punch walls, throw things, cut, scream, burn, hit and hate.
That's all I know, that's all I am. And so I guess that's all I shall be, too.

Mirror Memory

I write. Anything and anywhere. That's just.. Me.
For the longest time I wrote messages to myself on my mirrors, desk tops, white boards, sticky notes. The ones on my mirrors are generally negative, hateful, and they're directed at myself.
Why? At least then I can get the thoughts out of my head and see them physically.
The other day my dad walked into my room to talk to me and he caught sight of my mirror. He made comments, but it doesn't cease to amaze me how stupid he is.
Written down my full-length mirror:
"Why does anyone stick around you? You have NOTHING worth sticking around for."
"You're a failure at everything you do and you're never going to make anything of your life."
"Everyone's life would be better without you in it. You're nothing but a waste of space."
"You're so good at pretending to be, but you never are.."
"You're needy and dependent and every time you open your mouth you hurt those around you."
and "What is the point anymore?"

They've been there for a few weeks now, and it's probably time to change them. But my dad saw them and he asked me what they were.
"Nothing."
"Really? Because it looks like a cry for help. Poor, poor J".
"Whatever. It's not. They've been there forever now."
"Really."
"Yeah."
Then he gave me a funny look and walked away.
It is NOT a cry for help. That phrase "A cry for help" pisses me off. It makes the person in question sound stupid, weak, attention seeking, and pathetic.
It makes me feel worse than if he'd never said anything at all.
It's funny that he should see that and not see my whiteboard. Or the back of my door, or my other mirrors, or any of it. That he doesn't see what's going on.

But! The fact that he DOESN'T see what is going on just goes to show that I'm either really good at hiding it or he's ignorant. But I've made feeble efforts to hide it, especially since nobody seems to care in the first place.

3am Ramble

Insomnia really sucks. Yesterday I fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 4. Today I fell asleep around 10 and couldn't stay asleep. I've finally given up on the notion of sleep and it's 3:30 am.
I had a good day yesterday, I think. I'm unsure how to feel about the whole situation, but it wasn't.. Bad. (:
Since I have basically no classes tomorrow I'm going to deem tomorrow my cleansing day. I also got "grounded" for three days, which is bullshit. It was for a really stupid reason, too. But whatever. It's not like I do anything or have a life anyways.
I had today off of work, and I have tomorrow and Thursday off of work as well. But I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My automatic thoughts when it comes to working is that I hate my job. But I just have to remind myself that I'm at least making money. In roughly 2 weeks I'll be getting my first paycheck and maybe then I'll feel differently about my job. It isn't all that bad, aside from one of the managers. In all honesty, I dislike her because she lied to me and I am a little bit intimidated by her. The other manager I like though.
Anyways, now I'm just rambling. See what happens when I can't sleep but I'm super tired?
I think 3:45 am is a good time to paint my nails, clean my room, and cuddle under my warm blankets. Yeah? So that I shall do. (:

Two To Five Six

As soon as I got home, I knew that it was gonna happen.
I knew that I had no way of stopping myself, but I also didn't figure how bad it would be. I can't bring myself to even think the number, much less write it down.
I'm starting a 6 day fast tomorrow. As few cals as possible, liquids only. I'm also going to be taking tons of laxies to clear my system off all this disgusting food and hopefully I'll lose some weight. This binge is going to be a metabolism spike, or at least I'll treat it as such.
I am so disappointed in myself. But! It's finals week and therefore the more I starve the better.
I'm in danger in one of my classes, and we have a party tomorrow. So much tempting food.. But no. I will not eat. I am ready to be in control again.
Fuck the world.
I can and will push myself to do this. I refuse to be a failure forever.
Now it's time to "study" before I hop in the shower and finally rest. Today's damage is done, and I need a good night's rest. Especially with my electric blanket. (; It's the best gift ever and I'm so happy that it's mine. ^-^

Work... SUCKS.

Friday I worked my first 4 hour shift. It went great and I really didn't mind it. Today was supposed to be my second 4 hour shift.
Today was my second day of working... And I hate it. I was supposed to work 4 - 8, but at 8 as I was getting ready to leave I was told that I had to stay till 11. I didn't think much of it (though I was bombing orders and getting things wrong and whatnot). So I did. At 11, I was told that as a minor I a) wasn't allowed to stay past 10 by law and that I could lose my job and also that according to the schedule I was only supposed to work until 8. So for 6 hours I had no breaks until the last half hour (10:30 - 11) and even then I was cleaning.

I hate that I'm stupid and naive and therefore people can jerk me around. I hate that I kept fucking everything up. I really *didn't* mind working there, but after tonight I'm going to find another job asap and quit this one as soon as I can.
As soon as I left I couldn't hold in my frustrated tears and by the time I got home to my room I couldn't hold it back. Crying felt good, though it hurt.

I don't know what to make of this. I'm angry, I'm so sad and upset that I just want to cry, I'm tired and want to sleep, and I want to get high so I can just calm down.
I hate working, and I hate when people treat me like shit. But where else can I get a job? I barely got this one, and I've only worked two days.
So I guess some thinking is in order to figure this out - because I refuse to be treated like shit.

I Will Be

More and more things crash and burn around me.
Without even a conscious thought, I am pushing myself farther and farther away from my dreams.
Where did I go?
I sit emotionless while I see and hear the destruction around me.
But feel, I do not.
I am a ghost parading as a girl. An empty shell of a person who used to be.
Where did I go?
I don't know if she is to return. I don't know if there is a way to make a light shine in the darkness or even if I am ready for that yet. I am far from rock bottom though, and when I get there, I guess maybe I will find the me I used to be.

Stop.

I have no idea how much sense this will make. But here goes.

I went to orientation on Tuesday for my job. Well, I guess I didn't have the right papers so they sent me home and I had to come back on Thursday (today). Which I did. But my manager (the one who hired me) didn't tell me that I couldn't work Monday through Thursday, because apparently I am not allowed to do that since I'm a student. I was scheduled to work today and for the next two days. But that got all fucked up and I just couldn't work today.
Also, as it turns out, the manager to my store is conveniently on vacation for the next few days, so I can't even talk to her and figure all of this out.

I am supposed to graduate in May, and we were apparently supposed to have already paid for it. But I got no notification about it or heard anything about that either, so now I'm behind on that. The people I keep talking to are just directing me to see other people, and those people direct me elsewhere, and I don't get any answers. It's so frustrating when you don't get the answers that you need.
Also, when people meet me, they have a certain respect like you'd have between two people. They look at me like I'm an actual person. When they find out my age, and that I'm not "legally" an adult for 2 more months, they instantly lose a certain degree of respect for me. It pisses me off because I hate being judged on my age. That is nothing but a number, and it doesn't define anything about me. When people disrespect me for something as trivial as that, I tend to want to disrespect them later too because it just isn't fair. But whatever, I don't really have a point to that.

I was so mad earlier. I was bitching at everyone around me, and I could barley control myself. I tried to get away from people, but nobody wanted to leave me alone. Finally I called a few friends trying to get out of my house, and only one of my friends responded. I'm so grateful for her. I was out of control, and I was heading to a really dark place. That's the thing.. Nobody can understand. Nobody cares to understand. They just pretend to, or they just shut me down.
I write negative things on my mirrors sometimes, by way of expression. I don't know what exactly I get from doing it, but I can't stop. So my dad came into my room and he was talking to me, and he saw my mirror. He stopped to read it, and then asked me what was up in a sarcastic way. I tried brushing it off, and saying it was fine, and the only response he gave me was "It's just one big cry for help. It seems you want attention."
WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
He doesn't know anything, and I don't know why I let his comments get to me. But they do, and no matter how hard I try to block them out, they burn into my mind and skin in a way no other words could.

Almost everyone has been shut out of my life, without me even realizing it. People I used to talk to on a daily basis, I just don't speak to anymore. They don't speak to me, and I can't let myself remember that they used to once have a place in my life, and some of them even had a place in my heart. I just can't go there, because if I do, there will just be a lot of pain waiting that I don't have the strength to deal with.
What is inside my head, and the way I feel, none of these words can even do it any justice. So why do I write?
Why do I choose this outlet?
Maybe I should just stop.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I don't even know what set me off.
Today has been a relatively normal day. I woke up, managed to get ready in time, went to school and sat through as much as I could before finally coming home for break. Here soon I have to go back to school for about an hour before going to my orientation for my job.
I have homework, finals to study for, things to do. But that is all normal, and all things I can cope with for the most part.

So why am I feeling the way I am?
I'm angry for no apparent reason. I don't even know what my anger is directed at, but it's there and it's strong. I have tried to keep it back, at least until I am out of the range of people. But every now and then a biting comment comes out of my mouth and I can't even say I feel bad for it.

I feel like giving up, like I have made efforts to change things and nothing is changing. But what have I really put in effort to change? Nothing. I said I would start fighting, for change if nothing else. But I don't even know how to do that.
I think thoughts and they just get to me in a way words said from another person never could.
I want to punch a wall, I want to cut, I want to cry, I want to scream.
I want to fight with someone.

I think I like fighting with people. I mean, I know on one level I need it because that's what I'm used to, and that's what I know how to deal with. But I also think that I like it. Why would you like such a thing, you ask?
Well. I guess I like the fact that what I put out in terms of anger is returned, like someone is fighting back. I think I need someone to fight back because it's no fun when you fight on your own.
I don't know.

I feel abandoned. Many eating disordered "friends" of mine have gone into recovery or faded away. Where they went, I don't know. But it is my fault as much as it is theirs. Those of them that have gone into recovery, I am so very happy for them. I really wouldn't wish this sickness on anyone who doesn't already have it, and I wouldn't wish those who have it to have to suffer longer than they should. Misery loves company, though. I just hate feeling like this. I make myself feel this way, but at the same time I don't even know how to stop it if I wanted to.
Maybe I don't want the pain to stop, because I am afraid of what I would live like, or how I'd be without it.

I don't know, there are far too many "maybes" that exist in my realm right now.
But I don't know how to get rid of them.

Food-wise, I've had about 400 cals today, though I've only eaten an omlette with some apple cider. Most of that was protein though, so I hope that I can use that as an advantage and not eat for the rest of the day. I need to burn about 300 of that off though, because it disgusts me that I can just so easily put food into my body. So easily put food in, but harder to take out.

Whatever. I don't even know where to go from here, but I guess I will just put on a smile, put my headphones in, and try to survive the rest of the day. All the while hoping I don't humiliate myself at my job orientation. I so need this job, and I'm excited to be working, but I don't want to fuck it up as I most always do. So away I shall go, and hope that writing all of this bullshit out will improve my mood in the slightest.

Fight

Today has been one big yo-yo.
I've eaten, then burned it off. Then eaten more, and burned all of it off. Then eaten more and burned some of it off. I keep going from zero cals to many, then burning it all off and repeating. But I think I can actually say that I'm done with food for the night, and my net for the day is 79 cals. I weighed in at 169.4 this morning, and I hope it's even less tomorrow.

Nighttime is usually the hardest for me. The fact that I know the darkness lurks in the corner doesn't help. The depression, hatred, and helplessness just slams into me with a force that takes my breath away. Expecting it doesn't even help, because there's no way to anticipate that kind of thing. Since getting the job, I have gotten long sleeve shirts. Which is both good and bad. Good because it hides my scars and the current cuts. But bad because it enables me to make more. Now that I know I have a way to hide it, I don't have a reason to stop. I can't even pretend that I want to stop. I don't. Why I don't want to stop, I don't know. But I just know that I don't.
There are 2 more weeks left in school. 2 more weeks of hell, but I guess I will have to face them. When I actually take a moment to think about that, it's so strange.
When I wrote my last post here, the one titled "Paint A Picture On The Wall" I hadn't intended to ever write here again. I had intended for that to be my last post, but somehow it isn't.
Actually I know how. Thanks to friend of mine yesterday. He pointed out some things that poked holes in what I thought was unbreakable logic. But I guess it isn't.
I'm not sure where I stand now, because part of me is still yearning for death, but the other part... Maybe it wants to fight for life.
"Y'know, 99.9% of suicidal people would change their mind in an instant. If someone were to come up to them and stab them and they knew that they were going to die, they would change their mind immediately and hope to live. The other .1% would actually let them do it, because they really want to die". Whcih category do I fit into?
I actually don't know.
I think.. If I were to be completely honest with myself... I think that I don't want to die. I want things to change and I want to stop the pain, but not necessarily to die. I may not be able to change everything right now, but I know that I have the power to change anything I want to change. My weight, my looks, my way of thinking.
Whatever it may be, I have the poewr to change it. No, maybe not right this second, but that also doesn't mean I can't ever change it.
"If you know you're going to die tomorrow, then do everything you've ever wanted to do, today."

I don't know where I stand with myself.. But I know that changing takes time. I can't just wake up tomorrow morning and expect everything to be different. But small steps to change are worth it.
None of this means that my suicidal thoughts have gone away. But it's simply served to make me re-think, even if it's something small.  I need to find a way, and I need to find a way to be happy with myself.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
The only thing stopping me is myself.
So tomorrow, I am going to wake up, and make the best of the day that I can. I'm going to figure out what I CAN change, and I'm going to take one step closer to making myself into the person that I want to be. To at least making myself into someone I can stand to exist as. I'm going to live my life for all the people who wanted to live but didn't have the chance. I can't promise that this plan will work, and I can't promise that things will change. But I can promise that as long as I'm trying, nothing can knock me down.

Paint A Picture On The Wall

Let me just say that this post is for me, and if you don't like what I have to say, then find another blog to read. I really don't want any negative feedback, (if any) from this post.
These are just my thoughts. My view of my own life.

I set high bars for myself. In elementary school I was doing my brothers homework, as he is a few years older than me. In middle school I can remember taking his homework because he wouldn't do it and I wanted to. I wanted to learn, to challenge myself. I wanted people to see me as smart.
I have rarely ever had to work to achieve B's or A's, which are top marks here. I just sort of did it. My family and others who knew me would speak with such pride in their voice when they spoke of me. I wanted that.
I wanted everyone to be proud of me. I wanted to be at the top of something. It just happened to be school for me.

I don't even remember when I started hating myself. I think it was around 6th grade, as I became more and more socially awkward. I lost friends, didn't know how to speak to strangers. Kids would make snide comments about me and I would pretend I didn't hear them. But I did, and I can still remember the comments I heard them make. I always had my nose in a book, and I liked it that way. I preferred that, actually. So I didn't really mind being alone at first. I used to sit alone at lunch, and that's when I started developing anxiety over "group" things. Group projects, presentations, hanging out in groups, etc. Anything that involved being social to more than one person at a time gave me immense social anxiety and I avoided it as much as possible. My instructors used to take off points from projects or activities because I refused to participate in groups. But I gladly took that over having to talk to others.
Eventually partner activities of any kind at school gave me social anxiety. Talking to someone I didn't know, or working with them, used to be impossible. I would sit there and fake doing whatever until I could leave, and then I'd actually do it alone later, on my own. I'd leave class for any reason to avoid getting put in groups, and at home I didn't really go out either. I spent my time alone, and at the time I didn't mind it.

The first time I cut was in 6th or 7th grade. I don't remember why I did it. I remember when people used to call me violent because to release anger back then, I'd scream and punch things. I'd throw things. That was just how I saw fit to express myself. But eventually that earned me a bad reputation, and I stopped. I think that's around the time I started self harming, because at least nobody else could see it.
I first got caught in 7th grade. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was wearing a black hoodie and it was spring, I think. Or just starting to be. My dad asked me to help him with brushing the dogs, trying to relax them while he brushed them. I was sitting on the left side of the dog house, and my dog was laying on the top. I set my hand down with my wrist outward to keep myself from falling off, and almost out of nowhere I heard "What is that?" I tried playing dumb and saying I didn't know what he was talking about. Later that day we went to the store and as we were walking through the store, he just kept asking me "What is it?" He knew, but he wanted me to say it. I don't know was the only answer I could give. He asked me why, I replied with a shrug. So he began to threaten me. He said that if I wouldn't tell him what and why I did it, then he was going to involve my grandparents, which scared me back then. I was ashamed and I remember that that evening my dad and I got in a fight over it because I didn't know what it was that he wanted me to say. I didn't know what the right way to explain it was.
He just told me not to do it again, and left. Actually, he said that if I didn't stop, he was going to put me on 24 hour suicide watch, and at the time that also scared me enough to stop. Or at least stop cutting my arms.

In 8th grade, I got a little bit smarter, and I started cutting my upper arms. Where my t-shirts could hide it. Back then, I was self harming only maybe once a week. Or once every few days. Only after terrible fights with my dad, or after being bullied at school. But I felt like it was unwarranted, so I tried not to do it. I made a few friend that year, and things were sort of okay for a while.
But I remember that I started adamantly hating my body at this time. My dad was a single parent raising two kids, and my brother had a lot of issues at this time. So most of the focus was on him, and I just kind of faded into the background. My dad used to go to McDonalds, Wendy's, etc. (All fast food places) and that was were we would eat most of the time. I remember eating breakfast and lunch at this time, but I would skip dinner. Or I'd eat breakfast and dinner, and skip lunch.
I really had no control over my eating back then, because I would eat whatever, whenever. I can't remember ever eating when I was actually hungry. I would eat when my dad said he was hungry, just for convenience.

Over the summer between 8th and 9th grade, I started developing my ED. My dad used to make comments about my weight or appearance to me and other people, too. Now, he claims that he doesn't remember saying any of the things I remember, but he said them. I wasn't big on exercise, because I always wanted to read. I stopped eating breakfast, I stopped eating lunch. I would only eat dinner, and  that didn't bother me. Thinking back now, maybe it was an unconscious attempt to compensate for the shit I was actually eating.
But despite that, things still have continued to get worse.

In 9th grade I declined further, my self harm increased, and that was the year I attempted to overdose, though now I realize how stupid I was. Do let me note, that nobody actually knew I had tried to overdose, so it was never brought to attention that I needed help. I lied and said all the right things, all the while taking out all of my emotion on myself.
9th grade was also the first year I burned myself, intentionally. Up until then, it had only been cutting. Burning is a different kind of pain, it hurts more than cutting ever could.
I started dating my boyfriend that year too, though I didn't tell him about any of my issues. I started closing myself off from people, trusting nobody. I pretended like I was a wall of rock, and nobody could break me down. But on the other side of that wall, I was falling apart.
I had straight A's in school, and though I wasn't social, I seemed to be perfect to people around me. Again, the pride thing. Wanting people to be proud of me.
I used to go through periods too where I'd feel guilty for simply existing. Like my dad would tell me that he didn't have money for gas to take me somewhere I needed to go, or didn't have money for this or that. I never asked to go many places, so the few times I did ask and that was the answer I got - they played into my guilt. My grandparents would guilt me for wanting something, or for needing something. I never told anyone how they affected me.. I never had the strength to.

10th and 11th grades got worse. I began cutting more, hating my body more, hating the person I was. I began restricting more and more, and my depression and suicidal tendencies grew too. My grades started dropping. I remember in 10th grade, there was a math class that I had extreme difficulty with. I tried to get help, I did extra credit, I did all the things I was offered, but to no avail. Que the fights. I used to get in really bad fights with my dad over things like that, and there were more issues going on. I realize that I speak mainly of school, but that's just because that's the easiest way for me to mark time. But this is nowhere all of the things that played into what I am now.
My grandparents would start fights because I "used to be such a good student" and "now I wasn't." They would ask me what was going on, and they'd get angry with me because I was failing.
When my school found out I was cutting, they called her. When they almost discovered my ED, they called her. They called my dad. But nobody actually picked up on the fact that I needed help. They all just kind of faked concern for a bit, and then let it go. Part of that is my fault, but I was hoping they would see it, because it's not like I really worked all that hard to hide it. I did everything I could except just outright say it, and that's something I still can't bring myself to do.

I don't remember the first time I told my boyfriend about my issues. I think I told him about the fights with my dad, and how that lead to my self esteem issues. I think later he found out about the self harm from seeing my scars... and as I got closer and closer to him, I trusted him more.
I remember when he used to see the cuts on my arms, he would ask me what they were, and I'd lie feebly. He never believed me, but I don't think I wanted him to. I wanted him to see that I was struggling. I eventually told him, over time, everything else. But since then, I can't stop feeling guilt. I carry a constant guilt around that I can't shake, because I feel like an attention seeker for everything. No matter how many times he tells me that he loves me and that the only thing he wants for me is to help me and take my pain away, I can't shake the guilt. Call me stubborn, call me stupid, I honestly don't care.

I only know that the last time I trusted someone, and told them a small issue, they didn't help. They made it worse. I told them exactly what was going to happen, and they didn't believe me. They told me that they just wanted to help, and that by doing what they were doing, they were.
Almost a year later, things are back to "normal" but they aren't. I'm still hurting, worse than I was before, but at least they aren't as bad as they were at one point.
You want a picture of my life?
Probably not.
But I'll give it to you anyways.

I am still a perfect almost perfect student in school. I don't have many friends I hang out with, but most of the time I don't mind. At least I didn't.
I'm comfortable on my own, and I pretend to everyone that I'm strong. I try to reach out when I need help, but I never actually admit how bad things are. I often downplay my issues, because I don't want to drive people away, and I'm afraid to trust them.
I've cut every day this week. At least once a day. And for the week before that. And the week before that.
I can't cry, or at least I rarely find it possible to cry, so I cut instead.
When I need my "friends" they either don't return my messages, or they say they can't be wherever I need them. But I am used to it.
I don't fight with my dad as much as I used to, but now the demons are inside of me.
I live with an Eating Disorder.
I live with Depression.
I don't have the words to say what I need to say, so I cut instead.
I'm trapped in this vicious cycle.
I hate myself for every bite of food I put in my mouth.
I could go on, but you all probably think I'm pathetic enough as it is.

My point is this:
I suffer through all of these things, and I have lived the life I have lived. You can't possibly know the depth of the pain I feel inside, nor can I know the depth of pain you feel. But my decisions are mine, and if I say that I can't deal with it anymore, then respect my decision. It's my life, and my decision to do what I will with it. I don't, never have, and never will take such a thing lightly. When I say that I literally cannot deal with it anymore, I mean it. I always say "It's okay" but for once, I'm done with the lies. It is NOT okay. It's fucking shitty, and I don't see a way out of it. I don't see a way to escape the problem, because the problem is myself. So if I choose the "easy" way out and you resent me for it - fuck off. I'm sorry to those I hurt, but this is just one battle that I can't fight any longer. I have done everything that I can do, and this is where I sit. So don't judge me, because even these words aren't enough to express what I truly want to express  - but they'll have to do.

And, if anyone actually bothered to read all of that (or if anyone reads my blog at all)... Thank you. Every comment you've made on my blog has actually helped me more ways than I can express. If you read all of that, thank you for taking the time to read what I had to say, but which I could not say with words. Thank you for hearing me instead of just receiving my words. <3

Too

Everything I write here just sounds pathetic and stupid.
I remember when my boyfriend told me that I make a big deal out of everything.
I remember when he said that I always have a problem.
I remember several people who just left me behind when they discovered my problems.
When I told them I needed them.
When I tried everything I could do to help them.
Several voices run through my head of people who say I'm too negative. Too depressive. To pessimistic.
People telling me that they "can't deal with me".

My problems are too stupid and shallow, too problematic and complicated for solutions.
I am too stubborn, to stupid, too complicated, too... Whatever.
I'm not fit for this world. I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be.

Not Worth It

I'm tired of being afraid to trust people.
Of not liking the person I see. Of my life.

The darkness was drowning me last night.. Was? That's not right. Is.
The darness *is* drowning me.
A friend of mine, another blogger, Calla is trying to convince me that life is still worth living.
I argue that it isn't because nothing ever gets better. Things keep pushing me farther and farther away from ever getting the chance to be happy.

I don't remember falling asleep last night. I don't even remember the 6 hours from 12 to when I woke up this morning (late, of course) because I didn't set my alarm.
It hurts to move, and I know I have cuts. But it's all just kind of a blur to me. So my dad was yelling at me because I was late for school, and then when I got halfway to school, as I was trying to transfer busses, they wouldn't let me because they'd given me an invalid transfer.
So I had to call my dad and have him drive me to school - which made him more angry. I hate asking for things from anyone, which is why I would have gladly walked the 4 miles to school.

I just feel really low and really shitty today, and I just want to be no more. I want to stop placing the burden of myself on others.
And only I can do that.

Wake Up

Today's been somewhat of a wake-up call.
I realized how many things I've been procrastinating in these last few weeks (small things that add up). Especially applying to college.
I also know that I need to step up to the plate and get all my stuff done.
I also ditched a class today, and lied about why I wasn't there.

I've successfully liquid fasted today, though I don't know if it will show on the scale tomorrow. I'm getting tired of playing this game, so I'm not going to eat a single bite of food until I reach 165. Nothing. I don't care if it kills me.

My family is also continuously on me about getting a job, and then I am told by several family members that I don't pay for my own phone so I need to get a job because they "can't pay for everything alone."
So fine.
If they're gonna hold it over my head, I'm giving up my phone.
Which basically means giving up my life. I mean that in the best way.
I talk to my boyfriend via phone (it's a ldr)
I talk to my brothers (both) via phone as they live out of reach.
I talk to other family *cough, cough* with my phone, but I'd manage.
My phone is where I place notes, keep calendars, talk to some ana friends that keep me sane.
But if they're going to control me with it - I don't want it.
I hate that my dad has control over me since I'm "underage" for 3 more months, and that's bad enough. I'm not gonna let other people control me if I have the power to change it.

I just get frustrated because I have an ED. I struggle with self harm, depression, other personal issues. School is a stress. College. My family dynamic causes a lot of stress. My roommate was in the hospital (she's also dating my dad). There's just so much stress going on and I feel like a) a job would add to my stress and just be another thing I fail at and b) I keep getting rejected and it isn't entirely my own fault.
But they see none of that. To them, I'm just a lazy teenager who likes to take advantage of others.

I so can't wait to move out in 3 months.

Just Keep Swimmin'

Words have never haunted me such as these.
I don't consider myself to be someone offended by words, at least not easily. Words don't break me down the same way they do others. Usually I'm able to just ignore them, because they're just words. But now I can't get these out of my head, and I have a childish desire to prove them wrong. But if I prove them wrong, I'll expose myself and some of the things I've been hiding.
Forget. That's what I need to do.
He just didn't know what he was talking about and was being insensitive. He's just one person and his opinion doesn't matter.
Except... Apparently it does. I know it's stupid. So now I should work on forgetting about it, and try to stop feeling like I need to prove him wrong.
Just Keep Swimmin'. Just Keep Swimmin'.
(what do we do? We just keep swimmin'.)
Sorry, couldn't resist. (;

Never Good Enough

The darkness is dragging me down tonight.
Every thought I have just pulls me farther down, makes me angrier. Every thought I have just makes me want to cut more and destroy everything.
I don't want to sit down, or be still. But I don't want to move and be seen either.
I want to throw everything around me, scream, punch a few walls, destroy. I want to cry - if only I knew how.

But I can't do any of that. In two days time I have to go back to school. I'm not ready! I'm not together yet. I'm not stable enough, and I'm terrified. I have colleges to apply to, pefection to reach, and things to do. But I'm just not good enough!

Remembering The Past

Yesterday (it's now 3am here) I ran into 3 people I've not seen or had anything to do with for a while.
I ran into a girl from colorguard that I once used to be friends with, who was walking next to A. A is the friend I had my Freshman year, who just disappeared.
Then as I was coming home, I ran into O. I don't remember the last time we hung out or actually spoke to each other. She's been with me through hell and back, as I have been for her. O and I had a great friendship at one time, but my ED, her life, and her decisions got in the way and now we barely, if ever, talk.

A few days ago I also ran into C. C is... Complicated. I dated him for a very short time (like a week) my Freshman year of high school and he graduated my Sophomore year. We've both sucked at keeping in touch but we finally met up a few days ago and caught up on the last three years.
Speaking of which, hanging out with him reminded me why I avoid hanging
around in crowds. He
invited a friend of his to hang with up, and it was all fine. But them I got quiet and moved socially to the background. Speaking only when spoken to, kind of thing. It was awkward for me
and both of them. There are very few people I feel comfortable around. Actually, I think there's only 3 - my boyfriend, C, and my aunt. Yay for the socially inept freak.

4 people have passed through my life, all with some type of blocked out emotion attached. Why? What made all 4 happen in such close succession? 3 today, 1 two days ago.

Either way, I've got some emotions to deal with. I don't deal with emotions.
Some were nice to see, others gave me panic when I saw them.

I'm rediculously socially awkward... And it was brought to my attention now because I was around people. Usually I'm on my own, I prefer it that way. Sometimes I can manage talking to one person, but if there is more than 1 person around, I suddenly become the quiet, invisible friend. Haha!
Maybe someday I'll learn to be social, but for now I'm alright on my own.

Trigger Foods

Trigger foods for me are foods that I eat only when I'm in a self destructive mood, and prefer not to eat at all. However, since they're some favorites of people in my house, we often have these foods.... Which is never good for me.

1. Cereal - This isn't a food I allow myself... Unless I'm really low. If I'm really upset and I'm angry at myself, I usually eat cereal to make it worse. (my fucked up logic - don't judge)..

2. Ramen - I'm pretty sure this is a mutually hated food of anyone suffering with an ED. But for me, like Cereal, I only eat it for negative reasons. Both cereal and ramen are foods I tend to eat in excess, and purge often.

3. Nature Valley bars - They used to be one of my favorite foods. Something I'd take with me to eat later... But now they're just a trigger food and I avoid them as much as possible.

4. Dairy - Most dairy, for me, is a trigger food. The type of dairy isn't necessarily the deciding factor, but I tend to eat it as little as possible because it's another negative food for me.

Those seem to be my main trigger foods at the moment. I just felt like I needed to write out my thoughts to think what I was trying to think clearly. If that makes any sense.

Everywhere

Today has been a pretty good day, actually. I'm sad that my break is coming to an end, but now that I have most of my major projects out of the way, I hope I don't have to stress too much.
That doesn't mean I look forward to going back to school though. I have to start applying to college, and that is freaking me out.
But I just have to remember to breathe.
I don't feel like I am college material, like I could survive it. For fucks sakes... I just want a break.
But I can do this, I will be able to do this.

Somehow between yesterday and today, I've lost 1.4 lbs. The way I set up my new goal, I have to lose 3.4 lbs for my December goal, but I plan on losing more than that if I can. I am back on track, and stronger than ever. Starving and cutting is what makes me strong, and I don't know what I'd do without it.

I've already eaten more than I would have liked, but there is still time in the day to exercise it off. I feel strong. But I'll keep getting stronger.

I can't believe that December is already coming around. I mean... Shit. Where has the year gone?
Where has my childhood gone?
In a few short months, I'll be eighteen, and be a legal adult. Shit. Yeah, not ready to go there yet. I can already feel myself starting to panic.

Now i'm off to party by myself, and enjoy the beautiful day I have. I don't want to be inside.

New Plan

I'm so glad that today is over. So I will be fasting for the next two days and starting December first, I'm gonna be fasting 6 days a week, only allowing myself 300 cals for the day, preferrably liquid. Once a week, I will eat 1 meal in front of my family, as close to a normal portion as I can, to keep them placated.
I'm going to aim for exercising around 200, eating 200/300 cals right before I exercise to use as energy.
I know what to expect now of Christmas, so I can better prepare myself. Let the weight loss begin. I WILL NOT hate myself forever.

I guess I'll start by posting the numbers tomorrow, and see what I can do. Now that it's cold outside, I probably won't exercise as much, so I just have to decrease my intake to match my lack of exercise. I hope that logic works, anyways.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thanksgiving

Is a nightmare.
Everyone with an ED can understand.
I know you're supposed to be thankful on thanksgiving, but all I seem to feel is anger and hatred.
This morning started by my grandma yelling at me to take my hoodie off. She said I wear hoodies too much, but I couldn't take it off because I didn't have a long sleeve shirt and they can't see my arms.

What my life has come to, sometimes makes me sad.

I got really high, ate some food, took some laxies... and that wasn't even the main meal.
I tried to get out of eating, but I ended up having to eat a little bit. I still felt really disgusting despite the fact that I didn't eat that much. I don't want these people to be around me.

My roommate had a seizure a few days ago, and I guess she's lost her memory since 2000. She didn't remember me, she didn't remember her own kids, didn't remember life events. So she's been trying to remember, but I saw her today and I just wanted to run and hide. I'm glad that she forgot about the cutting incident.

So they stayed for a little while, but there were a bunch of people here, and I barely lasted 20 minutes before I ran out of the house.
I went and bought another lighter, two actually. I lost the other one I had. I was gonna sit in the park and smoke a little, but I thought my dad would still be here and I didn't want to get caught. So I ended up just sitting there and cutting instead. That's the only thing that makes me feel better.
I'd be lying if I said I wanted to stop.
I don't.
Destroying myself brings me a sick type of happiness.... Because I deserve it.
I also thought about picking up the habit of smoking cigarettes... I mean, why not?
But no, I don't want to get into that habit. I don't think that's my thing, it doesn't appeal to me. maybe another day and another time, but not today.

I'm being rude to people here, and I can't help it. My uncle's girlfriend is crazy skinny and she's here today too. She eats a lot, but I guess it doesn't stick. My aunts girlfriend is also here today, though she lives here, so I see her more often.
I love her as a person, don't get me wrong. But she's naturally skinny. Eats so much food, but still skinny. It irritates me because that's what I want to be, so badly. But I'm just not good enough.
All these people, all these triggers, panic rushing through my head.
The day isn't even over yet, I still have to face more family. Then on Saturday, I think... My aunt wants to go to another Thanksgiving-type-festive and she invited me. I know it would be rude to say no, but I just don't want to do this anymore.
I'm already teetering on the edge, and nobody seems to be able to reach me. My fault, my problem, my issue. Sorry. But I just don't understand what the point of tomorrow is. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better.
Last night I had this crazy idea that I could be happy. I could be healthy, if only I ran away. Now, I laugh at myself because I will never be happy, or healthy.
All I'll ever be is fat.

My plans for after I graduate, only apply when I finally reach 108 lbs. I won't travel like I want to, I won't move in with my boyfriend like I want to, I won't do anything that I want to do until I reach 108 lbs. I have a hell of a long way to go... But I have to do it. I don't see any other option.

Now I've got to go fake it some more with my family, and be social when all I really want to do is hide. I wish they could see that and that they would just leave me alone, but nope! That would be too easy.

November Is Nothing

So I've discovered that for me, when I take laxies on an empty stomach, they make me nauseous.
I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to them, but I don't want to stop. The nausea part isn't too bad, at least I can use it to get out of Thanksgiving and again next month for Christmas.
I love the way the laxies make me light headed and the way they make me shaky. It means I'm strong.
Stronger than others who give in.
I'm stronger than my human needs, than my physical self.
I will stay strong, and not taint my insides with food.
I'm gonna give myself some time to get all the food out of me before I weigh myself.
November was a lost cause. December will be amazing. 156 was my goal for December, but I'll settle for 160. I WILL do this. I always say that, but now I'm here to prove it.
Armed with blades, laxies, and my willpower, I will beat myself at this fucking game. Just watch.

Nobody

There are 71 people listed in my phone, yet I feel like there is absolutely nobody I can talk to right now.
I feel like crying, and never stopping.
I want to end my "life" because I just don't have the strength anymore.
But everyone else is struggling too, and their pain comes before my own.
I want to be hugged, I want to be held. I want *physical* company - just so I don't feel so lonely anymore.
I want someone to pour my heart out to, someone to just sit in silence with.
But I feel like for one reason or another, there's nobody.
Nowhere to write either, except my blog. The empty corner of the internet, where pathetic little me just rants away.
But even my words have to be held back - I can't even write what I want to say. I will not say it. I'll sit in silence. I'll stop complaining.
I'll stop everything.
I expect too much of those around me, get frustrated when they don't see it.
Do I have to draw it out for you? I probably won't.
If you cared, you'd see it.
But I'm fine alone. Don't worry about me.

Do You Know?

I sit on my bed, music playing in the background.
I talk and laugh and smile. Pretend to be okay.
Should I text you and tell you how I really feel inside? Or should I just let it go and numb the feeling?
My new blades are sharper than I thought, I have to be careful.
Chaos in my family is normal, and I want to do what I can to help them rather than bring attention to myself.

One cut,
Two cuts,
Three cuts,
Four,
I wish I could make more.
Winter is my cloak, and I hide well.

Messages sitting, unsent,
In my phone.
Wishing you cared enough to notice,
How I'm dying inside.

But no, I'm fine. I'll stitch the pieces of myself back together,
On my own. As much As I can, and pretend I never fell apart in the first place.

Watch Me Fall.

I bought several boxes of laxies today, and I bought several blades.

The rest of my Thanksgiving Break will be tons of fun!!

I swear to god I will not eat a single thing from here on out.
I will starve.
I will be perfect.
Nobody can stop me.

Whatever.

My favorite thing in the whole wide world is when you make a friend, and you get close/kinda close.... and you have a great friendship...
When you go through shit together.
Tell each other secrets.
And then.


They just decide they don't need you anymore! Isn't that just THE BEST?? I think so.

Not even just friends... I mean all people in general. People you help out, do nice things for, have some type of meaning to... They just decide they don't need you anymore.

So I'm done.
I don't want to mean anything to anyone anymore.
I just want to be left alone, and I'll live my life that way too.
I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being ditched. I'm done.

I don't want to be... Anymore.

I don't want to be...
Anymore.

Reckless Me

Speaking on the topic of jobs - I applied to three more places and got rejected in the same breath for.. Wait for it.... No job experience! I must also be wayy over emotional because of my period - I've been crying all morning. Ugh. I'm never this bad... Ever. So I decided to take a drive to the mountains with my aunt and a friend. The best and worst idea I've ever had. Best because we smoked a lot of weed and played in the snow and had fun. They lightened my mood, considerably. Bad because I ate a giant ass peanut butter cup, chips, drank Whiteout Mtn. Dew, and we still haven't finished our trip. Punishment for being a failure. It's finally cold enough that people don't ask me why I'm always wearing long sleeves.
I'm so self-destructive that without the people around me to ground me, I'd be either dead of near it. I hate myself so much. Not that that's new. But how much longer can I stand against the storm?

Update

The presentation went kind of well, I think. I won't know my results for another 2 weeks, but I just don't fucking care. I am done with that project, done stressing about it, and I can just chill.

On the flipside, I got the flu yesterday. So I have not felt well for the last two days. I always seem to get sick during and near the holidays. Though in this case, I really don't mind. I had been planning on starving for my entire break anyways, because I'm such a fat ass.
So I'm hoping I still don't feel good on Thanksgiving so it can give me an excuse not to eat. My weight is refusing to budge, still. I've taken around 12 laxatives today, but it just doesn't help. I need to buy more... Not that I have really much money to do that. But anything for my ED...

I broke my ipod the other day, as in it no longer works. At all. So I called Apple and asked how much it would cost to fix it and they said that it would be $200. Which is stupid. So just have to buy a new one, I guess. Which requires money to do, and I still don't have a job. I keep applying to places trying to get one and I keep getting rejected because I have no job experience. But if I keep getting rejected, how can I ever have job experience? It's a paradox, and I'm actually starting to get frustrated. My family mentions it to me daily, like they can't believe I actually have the mental capacity to remember it for more than a day. So I just try to shut them out but there's only so much you can take before you snap.

I've done literally nothing with my day today, except sit. Try not to puke. That's probably what I'll do tomorrow, too. For now, that's my update. (:

...

Today is my last day, basically of this week before break.
But so far my day isn't going too well... I just seem in a really bad mood. I feel like I want to punch someone, but I'm trying to keep my anger and bad mood inside and not take it out on others.

I'm not looking forward to the rest of today, but I guess I don't really have a choice, do I? Once it's over, I can celebrate too!

School work just keeps piling up. One of my teachers said that he was assigning homework over my break next week... so basically, I'm going to be busy for the first day of break trying to get it all done so I can actually enjoy my break and not have to stress about school. But it just feels like school never stops and the list of things I have to do never stops and I just hate it.

I wish it could be summer again, because I really don't like running in the cold. I haven't been running in like a week, and it's just starting to snow here, so I have to figure out how to brace myself against the cold so that I can still run.

No food for me today, though it's very tempting. I can finally fit into a pair of my roommates pants (that's weird, I know.) but I swear that I will be skinnier than her. I will be skinnier than everyone in my house, and I'll be beautiful. It helps that I have a goal to work towards, because that makes me less inclined to eat. But we'll see how long that lasts.

For the next 8 hours I will be working with people, talking to people, trying to impress people, and having to socialize... Which is so not my best quality. I hate talking to people or having attention on me. I prefer to just fade into the background..

I'm going to try to make the best of it, and just keep telling myself that this is the last day I have to deal with my project. That if I get a bad grade it won't kill me. That I can do it. Positive. Not negative. Happy, not frustrated. I can do this.

Success/Failure

I feel so fat. I feel like my fat is bubbling out of my clothes and I'm disgusting.
I didn't weigh myself again, because I was in a rush. I'm liquid fasting today, so hopefully I can weigh and report my weight tomorrow.
Everyone is telling me how good I look now that I've lost some weight and secretly it makes me happy. I just need to lose more. Much more.

Yesterdays intake was fairly okay.
I had 3 egg whites (51), banana bread (120), coffee (150?), dinner (230?) and a sip of carbonated lime-grape juice (50). So my total for yesterday was 501. I think it definitely could have been worse, but it could have been better. And my weight shows it. I'm only down .2 lbs today, and I'm fat.

So there you have it - My success and failures all in one.

Finally (part 3)

I'm sorry for the several posts. I'm writing this off my phone, and can only make the posts so long. Not that anyone wants to read what I write anyways.

I should be sleeping right now, but of course! Sleep eludes me and laughs. So I had the wise idea that it'd be smart to get stoned and then fall asleep, so that I might actually sleep. I want to go for a run tomorrow morning - but I probably won't. I should get to sleep in - but I promised a friend I'd help. I kind of wish I hadn't. I'm just a giant ball of nervous energy since I have to do that prsentation tomorrow and I hate it. I wish I could just disappear.

I talked to K today. Like, actually talked. We were chatting about how we both bombed the Pre-Calc quiz we had today, simply because I've not had time to do the homework and therefore didn't know any of the material. But we laughed about old memories we used to have. Talked about what life's been like, and we ended up ditching class to just be happy. Which is odd, considering what K told me right before she told me we would never be friends.
I don't dare let myself hope for another friendship, I don't do the friendship thing. I'd much prefer to be on my own.
But it was just nice to have a civil conversation with her and know that she doesn't hate me too much at least.

Anyways, I'm starting finally to feel a little sleepy. I hope it stays that way and isn't just a trick my mind is playing on me. I hope I can have a solid, dreamless sleep - I'm in much need of one. I can't wait ubtil I get my electric blanket - it'll be the fifth blanket I add to my bed but I don't mind. Blankets are like socks - amazing!
Anyways, sorry for the rant. If anyone actually managed to read through all of that, though I actually doubt anyone did. Now it's off to bed. Intake, weight, and such will be posted tomorrow morning. Xx

Finally. (part 2)

I'm so worried that my project was done wrong, that I'll fail because my paper isn't long enough, that I didn't write my conclusion, introduction, and discussion right. That I was gonna screw up tomorrow.
I have to present my project in front of roughly 100 people, judges included. My grade depends on the judges score. Did I mention I have a fear of public speaking? Or actually, anything that focuses attention on me. I hate it. So naturally I'm terrified of tomorrow.
I keep trying to shove my emotions down and to just appear calm and confident, but that's easier said than done.
I'll be so glad when this is over. Which will be at about 6pm tomorrow. I'm so tired of long days, I need a break.
I'm a perfectionist, and the way my final paper is written and the way that my project turn out bug me. I know there are things I could have done better. I know it.
I'm so scared that I'm gonna get a terrible grade. I'm passing that class by .6%, and I get 3 different credits for it. If I fail one part, I fail all. Last year I failed 1 semester of science, which is what I needed this class for. If I don't have it then I don't graduate. Which means I drop out.
See why I'm stressed?
I feel like everything depends on this project and I'm just... Not good enough. I'm behind in my other classes because I put all my time and effort into this project, so tomorrow I have about a week's worth of assignments to do. Since I have next week off, all my assignments have to be submitted by Friday.

College. Don't even get me started. I need to apply, and deadlines are approaching fast. I still need to study for the ACT and the SAT, though I take those in Jan/Feb. I took the ACT once and got a 24. Which wasn't good enough. Which is why I'm retaking it.

I've pretty much fucked this month with my weight goal. I don't even know what I weigh, but it sure as hell isn't 162. I haven't been running in like a week and I feel so fat.
I'll post my weight and today's intake tomorrow. (To Be Continued.)

Finally.

My research project has been stressing me out for weeks. This is literally the decision that determines if I will graduate or not.
I'm that close to the edge in that class.
So I've spent weeks dreading this day, but that hasn't stopped it.
I've put everything else on hold for this project, but it never stops.
I finally finished my poster today, not that I had a choice. My instructor was taking it whether I was done or not. I couldn't actually finish because I hadn't finished the research paper, though I (sort-of) finished it tonight.
I got home around 6:30pm and I went almost immediately to project mode. I'm required to dress professionally for tomorrow, which is a problem because the only pair of dress pants I owned were too big for me. I had no dress shirt, no idea what to do. So... My roommate came in. She offered some of her clothes that might fit, and I did eventually find an outfit that works. I then moved on to the paper.
I tried and tried and tried to get it to be long enough. I wasn't able to add new sources (since I put my previously-finished bibliography on my poster and can't have more resources in my paper then I did on my poster). So I tried to make it long enough to fill up the required pages. My instructor wanted 25 pages. My end result? I had 9. I just couldn't make it long enough.
So I worried about that. Then I had to copy it on to word, once I'd "finished" so that I could print it out - and my computer wouldn't format it right. Then my printer ran out of paper halfway through my essay, and we had to hunt for more.
Then I started feeling so frustrated that I wanted to cry - but I held back the tears. For a little. When I finially finished, entirely exhausted, I printed and ran to my room just in time to break down in tears. I hate this fucking project with a passion.
Maybe I cried for several reasons. I don't know. I just kneew that I couldn't stop. Not for a while anyways.
(To be continued)

Just Breathe

I think I'm just going to go home and sleep. Not do my homework, not stress, not worry, just sleep. I need a break from everything, and I need to just be for a while.
At least in my dreams, I don't have to hate myself. In my nightmares, I can deal with those. Memories I'd rather forget, I can deal with those too.
But I can't deal with reality right now. It's been a long few weeks and they've been really stressful and time consuming. So I'm giving myself a break. A much needed break.

I might go for a run tonight. It's getting colder here, and I don't like it. I don't like running in the cold, because it makes my lungs hurt. But I'm going to give it a shot, and see if I can get back into that habit.

Just got to remember. 1 more day, then Friday. Then the weekend. Then I have a week off. I just need to remember to breathe.

Alone

Once again I have let myself fall into the trap.
Comfortable. Until everyone leaves.
I am what's left; Alone.
It's my fault. I push them all out.
I trusted and hoped. I let myself fall. I let my guard down and they started attacking my walls. They almost fell, but now I am fighting alone.

Why?

Why do I feel the need to be labeled? Why do I feel the need to be... Something? Anything?
What's so wrong with being me? Whoever that is. Why does sadness threaten to overwhelm me, to pull me down into its dark depths and never let me go?
Why?

10 Minute Update

I have Thanksgiving break next week. An entire week that I can just do.. whatever.
But what am I going to do?

Sleep, run, clean, run, sleep and repeat.
And starve.

Without school and schoolwork to stress me out, I don't know what I'll do with myself.
Thanksgiving is coming ever closer. 9 days.
I've made almost no progress this month toward my weight. Fuck me.
I will not eat for Thanksgiving. That will be my punishment.

I started fasting today.
So far, so good.
I've had 6 otter pops but they're sugar and water so I'm not counting them. I've had diet Dr. Pepper, water, and part of a tea.
I am going to continue this hopefully for the rest of the month. I didn't weigh myself this morning, I was late to school again. So I have no idea what my weight could be.

Next month I will have to lose around 12 lbs... Roughly. That seems nearly impossible when I struggle to make 6, but I will be skinny by the time I graduate.
There is no other option.

I sent progress pics to another Ana friend of mine, and I was so ashamed to do so. I have developed such bad anxiety over the last few months or so. When anyone just looks at me, I start panicking and getting anxiety. So naturally I didn't want to send the pics. but I knew it would be such great motivation, and it is. I won't be ashamed to have people look at me, not if I have the power to change it. I want to stop hiding behind hoodies and jackets someday. Or at least to look attractive when I do wear hoodies.

I'm off to school sometime here soon, finishing up my project. I have 2 days left of this, and then I can burn the whole entire thing. I'm actually surprised that I got it done, considering how I felt about a week or two ago. But I did, and I couldn't have done it without help. I'm just happy that I don't have to stress so much anymore. Unless it's about how fat and disgusting I am.

Anyways, there's my 10 minute update. I'm off to school now, to waste the next 3 1/2 hours of my life. Sometimes I even wonder why I go.

Now

I need out.

I need out

I need out.

Get me out of here.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

I need to escape.

Escape.

Escape.

Escape.

 

Please.

 



What Has Today Come To?

Failure. Complete and utter failure. I am worthless.
Today is beyond saving. There is no hope for today.
So when I get home, I'm popping 12 laxies and letting them do their dirty work. Tomorrow is going to be a liquids only fast, and that will continue for as long as I can keep it going. I will lose this weight. I will beat myself at this game.

I'm going to treat today as if it was a metabolism spike. Simply that before I start a total fast. Friday I have plans to go to the gym with a friend, so I will definitely have to burn as many cals as I can. I am worthless. Disgusting. A failure.
I disappoint everyone.

I'm running out of places to hide, out of lies to tell, out of patience to give.
I'm running out of second chances.

I'm a poison to everyone around me. My boyfriend. My family. My "friends". Everyone, I am tainting by existing. I wish I could just take myself away from everyone, and let them live their lives while I live mine, elsewhere.
I'm tired of myself.

Memory

Sitting in class. Hardly seeing anything in front of me. Memories keep flashing in front of my eyes.

The summer I went to the zombie crawl. Homecoming. Road trips. Shopping trips. When she broke up with her boyfriend, I was there. When she fought with her mom, I was there. When things got bad, I did everything I could to make them better. Jokes we shared. All the crazy things we did, because we were teenagers - we had to do it while we could.

Gone.
I remember one of the last things I said. Now it haunts me, a shadow hanging over my head. The memories hurt. When I let myself remember them.
Hurt turns to anger. Turns to hate. Toward myself. Her fault. My fault. Faultfaultfault.

Something fun, something happy. Gone in the blink of an eye.

I don't... Won't.. I can't let myself remember.

Intake!

I'd intended to fast today, but I knew it wasn't happening. I don't want to undo all the hard work I've done... So I restricted instead.

2 egg whites = 34 cals, 8g of protien

Hot cocoa = 250 cals, at least 8g of protien (I used 2% milk).

2 french fries = 20 cals

4 chips = 64 cals
Total: 368
Exercise: - 100
Net: 268 cals

Not bad, but I could have done better. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow morning.

1 Day Closer

I know what has to get done. But I have no motivation to want to do it.
Thursday is fast approaching, and it seems like my motivation decreasees as the time grows closer. I'm still doing my experiment, but I have no interest in it. Today I was supposed to start it but I didn't. I worked on my paper a little... But not enough. For the next few days, I will have to work my ass off. I can't possibly fail.
Lazy people give up. I do not give up. Even if I desperately want to.
It's 11 here, and I should probably sleep.
But I don't feel like I can. I feel tense, anxious. I feel the fat bubbling beneath my skin, begging to be let out. But shh. I have to be a good little J, and follow the rules. At least appear to.
Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it's more productive than it was today. Thursday. 5 days away. Ever approaching. Panicking will get me nowhere. Procrastination will get me nowhere. I just have to sit my shit down and do it. Get it over with.
I can do this. I hope.

No!

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen, knowing that I need to write my research paper.
But all thoughts of it are but fleeting.
I don't know how anyone can do a paper like this, and knowing that this is what you do in college, makes me less inclined to want to go.

It's about 2pm and I haven't eaten anything except a few otter pops. I haven't exercised either, and I just feel like my brain is lacking. I need to focus, but I have nothing to focus with. I have no motivation to write this paper, but I'm fighting the urge to go to the kitchen and eat. But no.

I feel a bit lighter than I did this morning. I know that I will have lost weight, I just need to wait. I need to lose more. But I don't feel like I can focus on anything else with this paper hanging over my head.

** 3 hours later - I've written about a paragraph and I still haven't even made a page. Wow. I definitely feel like I'm going to fail this. It's just too much effort.

Downward Spiral, Looking Upwards

Today completes day three of my metabolism spike.
How do I feel?
FUCK YES. Starting tomorrow, I am going to start a 4 day fast, minimum. I'm not even going to weigh myself for 4 days just so I can see the difference. Which, believe me. I will.
I need to purify myself again.

In other news, I'm second guessing my relationship again. I haven't taked to him in about a little over a week, and that bothers me. But at the same time, I just don't feel like I can talk to him right now. Between school, myself, my current issues, and just everything right now.
I love him with all of my heart, but I don't want to hold him back and I don't want to be a terrible girlfriend to him. I don't feel like he should have to deal with me right now. I need to get things under control before I try to bring him back into it.

I've binged and purged twice today. I think I'm becoming addicted to it in the way that I'm addicted to laxies, but I also don't think that I will keep up with it. Because I feel better knowing that I had the willpower not to eat in the first place. But at the same time it's nice knowing that I can rid myself of any food I don't want to keep down.
But I won't let myself let it become an everyday thing.

My self harm is off the charts. I can't remember the last time it got this bad. It's getting harder t hide, but I also have just a few more months left before nobody can stop me.
I hate that I have to think that way. But I know that once I'm older and nobody can stop me, things are going to get a whole lot worse.
More extreme.

So... Yeah.

Hell Day

Next Thursday is doomsday. At least that's what it feels like.
I have to have my essay written, actually conduct the experiment, photograph everything, and figure out my presentation.
I've barely even started any of it - procrastination much?
WHY I haven't done it doesn't matter. But I just want it to be over and done with. I want to be able to forget about it. To not have it hanging over my head. I can't see any good or purpose in this project, other than to stress me out. But soon enough it should be over, And I might just have to party when it is. ^_^

Break-time Yet?

Nothing is going right. Not today.
I woke up and felt sick so I didn't go for a run. Then I fell back asleep for a bit and missed my alarm, so I almost missed the bus.
The way my pants fit bothers me. The way that I gained .6 lbs from yesterday makes me bitchy. The way I walk irritates me. School irritates me. I'm stressing about my project, and about another week in school. I don't think I can do another week.
I need a break.
I need to take a step back from everything and just breathe, but if I do that then I'll fall even farther behind.
Thanksgiving gives me anxiety, though still 2 weeks away. Making conversation with anyone just feels too difficult right now.

I just need a break. I need more than just a few hours though. I need a few days. A week. To just not stress about school, work, tests, food, anything. To not *have* to do anything. To just be.

But I've still got at least 9 more days before I'm on break. I keep telling myself to just keep going. That I'm so close and my hard work will pay off. I keep telling myself that somehow everything will work out and then I will know I can rest and be proud of myself.
I just wish those 9 days would hurry up.

750 Too Many

I have sort of plateaued in my weight... And a friend of mine reccommended to me that I should try to up my intake to 750 and give my metabolism a jump start. She said that if I did it for 3 days and then went back to starving as I've been doing, it might help to break my plateau.

So I did. I ate more food and reached 750 cals.... Which lead to a panic attack. I tried to purge but I couldn't get it all up and my throat is raw. I took 8 laxies, I've cut a bunch, I'm just freaking out.
I know I'm going to gain weight from this. Tomorrow, the scale will tell me that I weigh more than I did today. So help me, God. If it does - I'm gonna lose it.

I'm teetering on the edge, and I don't want to fall. But the rocks are slowly falling beneath me, and I'll eventually fall.
I'm gonna try to breathe, and try to sleep. I'm going for a 4 mile run in the morning, at 5am. Only 1 of 3 runs I hope to make tomorrow. I will be in control again. Not panicking and eating.

I Have To.

Breakfast:
1 hard boiled egg

Lunch:
2 hard boiled eggs

Dinner:
Nothing

Total: 51 cals, 19g of protein.

Exercise: -423
Net: -372

I've been stuck at the same weight for days now. I just can't take it anymore. If my weight doesn't drop tomorrow morning, I will have a cow. I've been popping laxies like they're candy, and hardly eating anything. I don't know why the weight won't drop. But if it doesn't start dropping now, I'll never reach my goal of 162 for November.

I think people are starting to notice that I've lost weight, because guys keep looking at me as if I might resemble something attractive. My jeans feel a bit looser, but I don't physically see the change. I don't want to gain muscle, not yet. I need to be 108 lbs before I can gain muscle. I am a long ass way from that.
I guess I just need to take more laxies and hope for a lower number tomorrow.

Disordered Life

I feel great. I feel energized, motivated, strong. I loved my run, even though it was short.
I actually didn't mind the cold - I just dressed warmer. I would love to go every morning - it would be a great start to my day.

However, I don't want to gain muscle from running. Not yet. I weighed myself this morning, and got a very dissapointing number. 173.
So, with renewed energy, I'm back to square one. No food for me today.

I'm going to have 1 hard boiled egg and no more.
If I don't give my body food, then it can't build muscle. There's no way I'll give up running, so I give up food.

I'll probably go for another (longer) run later and burn more calories, because of the whale that I am.
There's probably no way I can still make 162 by the end of November. 11 lbs? No way. But I will damn near try.

Morning Run

I meant to go for a run this morning. Even though it would be freezing. Even though I hate the cold.
So I set my alarm clock for what I thought was 4:45am, but turned out to be 4am. So now I'm wide awake and I still don't have to go for another hour.
I don't know about running in the mornings, because it will be colder. After a run, I ALWAYS take a shower, and I don't want to get sick. Plus that means that I actually have to eat something for breakfast.
I think my new breakfast-of-choice is going to be 2 hard boiled eggs. They're good, high in protein, low in cals. And as much as I want to lose weight, I don't want to pass out while running.

I don't know how I feel about morning runs. I don't mind waking up early, but I'm a wuss when it comes to getting out of my warm bed into my cold house. No matter the temp of my house, my room is *always* cold. I've grown used to it... But that doesn't mean I favor it.

But I'll get over it, because I love to run. Speaking of which, time to go start getting dressed to go on the aformentioned run. ^_^ Great start to a Tuesday morning? I hope so!
Seeya.

Ramble 2

I'm definitely regretting dinner right now. But I have to be careful about using lax right now, since I can't always control when they... Er, take effect. I'll take some in the morning.
I'm going to do so well this week, food wise. I'll weigh myself this weekend, and we'll hope for the best. 162. 162. 162.

I've been feeling really depressed recently. I don't put much effort into talking to people. I don't see the point in a future. I don't want college. I don't want life. I just want to stop.
Granted, I don't feel that way now, but I'm mentally altered. In a good way. (:

On November 21, I present my Research Project at a state competition. I haven't even started and it's the 12th already. I probably won't get it done, and it's given me several scars, panic attacks, and so much stress already. It's a large part of why I'm so keen to give up life. Maybe it's predisposed fate.
All I know is that it's not going to get better any time soon.

A friend of mine, also a blogger, just went into treatment today. She was at a very low weight and very sick. It's been effecting me in several ways. I've seen the trouble she went through to get accepted by her insurance and the ED clinic. But she was at such a low weight. I'm... At a significantly higher wight than she is, so what the hell am I saying "ED" for? I don't deserve the title. But on the other hand, I wish my friend the best of luck because I really do want to see her recover. I really do want to see her beat Anorexia and Bulimia.
But there's a flipside to that. There always is.
So as I always do, I've kept my mouth shut. Say nothing and cause no trouble.

Ramble 1

You'll have to excuse what may come out of my fingertips in this (or the next few) posts. I'm a bit... Mentally altered right now. But I need to write something out, so bear with me please?

Here goes nothing.
I wish I had a friend. Here, where I lived. But not just any friend. A friend I could talk to about my ED, but also be able to talk about fitness with.
That might be my next project. But I'm scared that if I start toning my body, I'll gain muscle and stop losing fat. Or that I'll get fat. It's a stupid situation.

That's the other thing. Fitness.
I run. I'm a runner. I love to run.
I have days where I'm healthy (though I only eat clean foods and most usually only feel safe with protein) and I have days where I'm very much Eating disordered. So I don't know which to stick to, or what to do. I wish I could talk to someone about that too.

I got new running shoes today. I didn't ask for them. I will defend my converse or slippers (that are being held together with duct tape) until the end of the earth. I wasn't going to ask. But they were bought for me anyways. Then I was made to feel bad for needing them. So stupid.
So basically, I get to keep my running shoes, at the cost of leisure. I could do that. So now that I have proper running shoes, I want to run. Well... Since Winter is fast approaching, it is getting darker sooner and sooner. Which cuts into my time to run since my dad doesn't feel safe letting me out after dark. But he's basically agreed that I could run in the mornings before school. So that means I'll be waking up at 4:45 tomorrow morning to go run in the freezing cold. What am I thinking? Calories. I can burn calories.
I also know that I'll be going for runs on my breaks between classes too. Which means I need to start eating, at least a little. So... I'll be eating eggs. Protein. They're low cal too. My food options are still very limited, but this is a start. Hopefully it'll help me lose more weight.
I'm so regretting dinner right now... Ugh.

Intake!

Today could have been worse in terms of my intake.
I had fasted all day until about 9pm (only having 200 cals of liquid) and then I ended up eating dinner. And then some.
So here you go.

Breakfast:
None.

Lunch:
16 oz gatorade (80)
2 otter pops (120)

Dinner:
Some chicken and vegetable thing (460)

However, along with the 460 cals from dinner, there were 26g of protein. So I mostly felt okay about that. Sort of.

I burned off probably about 150 of that. Which makes my net.... 510. It could be worse. Much much worse.

Back to not reporting my weight. I'm FAT. That's all you need to know.

Dance With The Devil

I weighed myself, dreading the number I knew I'd see. Yet, when I saw it I still reached for my blade.
Thinking pain, hate, destruction... I made 4 perfect little lines in my skin.
Loving the way it made me feel - in control, strong, yet hurt all at once.
Maybe subconsciously I needed a reason, because then I went to the kitchen for pizza, milk, and grahm crackers.
I wish the laxatives would kick in. I took 4, but to no avail. So I'll take 4 more.

Oh, the things I wish I could do to myself. But I have to be careful because I'm only a few months away from freedom. Wouldn't want to get caught now. (;
For now, I'll just dance with the devil.

Thanksgiving

I can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.
2 1/2 weeks from now is Thanksgiving. Last year I was fortunate enough to have the flu on both Thanksgiving and Christmas. But this year, I'm doubting I can use that as an excuse.
I hate holidays that involve a lot of food. It just feels like it's a doomsday that is looming ever closer and when I think about it I panic. When I don't think about it, I'm thinking of how much I have to restrict before then so that I won't entirely bomb my goal for November. 162. I try to plan what I'll eat because we usually don't vary food much. But all of it is high-cal food and I don't need it.

I guess for the next two weeks I'm going to restrict as much as I can and hope to lose as much weight as I can. A goal of 162 means I have to lose about 9 lbs. I don't know my exact weight but I know I am around 170 because I had to be a fatass and gain 2 - 3 lbs after I managed to get to 169.
Things have been less-than-ideal for me recently in terms of food. But I'll get back on track and get back into the swing of No Food November. Wish me luck. Xx

Just Another Failure

I had fasted perfectly today up until dinner. They wouldn't let me not eat, so I ate 1 piece (5 bites) of pizza to appease them.
I tried and tried to purge it. I purged until I saw spots in my vision and felt like I was gonna pass out. I was able to purge maybe 1 bite. I hate pizza.
So I took laxies instead, and I'm going to exercise tonight too. I really hope I see a lower number on the scale in the morning. It's been stuck at the same number for a few days now, and I hate it!
I need to lose weight. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will not eat.

I need to lose as much weight as I can before Thanksgiving. I get panicky just thinking about it, about all the food I'll be expected to eat. I haven't come up with a plan to get out of it yet, but I will. I won't let a stupid holiday affect my success.
I won't be a failure then like I was today.

Fuck The World

Fuck me. I wish I could burn in hell. Or someplace worse.
And fuck all the people who are never there for me either. I'm *always* there for everyone, but whenever I need someone it always seems to me that they're "busy" or have something else to do and just can't be there for me.
So whatever. I don't need anyone. Just me and Ana, and we're on the same side now.

No Food November

I'm fat, and disgusting.
I've destroyed most of my previous achievements and now I don't want to weigh myself.
I'm worthless. Every fat disgusting pound on my body proves it. My goal weight for November is 162 lbs. But I doubt I'll get there. I've wasted 9 days of November already.

This weekend is going to be a cleanse for me. I'm not going to let one crumb of food pass my lips. I'm worthless.
No Food November.
That's what this is going to be. A little bit ironic, right? That's what makes it perfect.
I'm going to stop eating and finally be skinny. I will reach 108 lbs. But I have to be good.
With Thanksgiving on the 28th, I'm so nervous. I am doubting my ability to reach my goal, but I know that I just need to focus on today. On what I can do today to work towards that goal.
I can starve perfectly.

Empty is strong.

Friday!

It's Friday!
This week feels like it's gone by fast, but not fast enough. There's 2 more weeks left before I have Thanksgiving break. I just have to keep going until then. I don't really have anything to do this weekend, so I'll be trying to take it easy. Y'know, sleeping, resting, and I'm just not going to stress myself out. Well, that's not working so well so far. But I'll have to see what I can do about that. (:
I just have to keep my eyes on what I want and I'll be okay. I can't lose sight of it. 2 weeks.
I don't really have any plans for this weekend, I'm just going to take some much needed "me" time.