Why Not?!

I am so done.
What more can you take away from me?
Why don't you just fucking shoot me?
Hurt me, torture me, kill me.
I deserve it.
But don't fucking apologize. Don't say "It will get better." or "I wish I could help."
Don't get me wrong, I get that you're trying to help, but stop saying it.
It's worse than if you'd said nothing.
I hate it.
I hate everything.
What more do I have left to lose??!!
Fuck it.

Nothing to Nobody

If I died tomorrow, in some horrible accident, nobody would notice. Nobody in my family, at least.
All I ever do is fight anymore. I fight with my grandma about grades, but I fight with my dad about everything else.
18 CANNOT come fast enough. I hate him. I hate being here. It's not good for me, and i'm sure he'd appreciate me not being here. Everyone would. Whatever.

...

626262626262626262626262626262626262662..
I didn't try hard enough. I never do.. :(

Whatever.

I'm supposed to be studying. I'm supposed to be studying because I have a huge test on Monday and I need to do well on it. I need it to pass that class.
I am getting credit (2 Chem credits) at WarrenTech next year, so if I don't pass this year, then that should replace those missed credits, right?
I can't even focus enough to study, or do the work I need to do. My brain is all over the place, and so am I. I'm everywhere, not able to see which way is up or down, and I don't know how to find it.
I have 5 more weeks of school.
That scares the living shit out of me, because if I can't get my ass in gear, I won't pass this year. And i need to pass it.
Ugh, I just want everything to be over..

Older is not better - explained

To further try to explain my fear of getting older, or older than 23, here goes.
I'm not afraid of how I'll look when I get older, or all the possibilities that life has.
I'm afraid of my body falling out of health, which it will no matter what anyways.
I'm afraid of the responsibility that I'll have. Which makes no sense because I'm already responsible.
I'm afraid of the pain.

I know that there are certain things you can do, and certain good things that come with growing older. But I just don't want any of it. I want to do everything I can and enjoy my life. I want to complete everything I have ever wanted to do, just before I turn 24.
I don't know how to explain it.
I thought it would be easy to explain, but it isn't.
It's like a deep seated fear that I have. I don't know why I have it.
But thinking about the things that come with growing up, getting so much older, such as bills, children, stress, taxes, working, supporting, people relying on me, everything like that, scares the living shit out of me. I have never seen someone that is older and happy. Someone that wasn't stressed out all the time, or dealing with a lot of negative things. To me, life doesn't get better after 24. It only seems to get worse. And I don't want any of it. I don't want to know it. It's a legit fear, but I don't understand it.

Hopefully this makes some semblance of sense.

Old is not better

I don't want to grow old.
I don't want to grow up. 18 isn't bad, neither is 23. But anything older than that, NO. I don't want to grow older than 23.
Go ahead and tell me that I'm selfish. Or that I'm stupid for not wanting to live a longer life when I'm healthy. That I'm just wasting my life, not wanting to live older than that.
But I know all that. I know that, but I don't want to live older than that.
It doesn't make any sense to other people, this fear. I don't think it's a normal fear though, but I have no way of knowing if it is or isn't.
I've felt this way - not wanting to grow older or above 24 - since I was little. I don't think it's something I will grow out of. I'm only 17 though. I've got 6 more years to decide.

You tried to lie and say I was everything,
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you.
Somehow I found,
A way to get lost in you.
Let me inside,
Let me get close to you,
Change your mind and I'll get lost if you want me to,
Somehow I found,
A way to get lost in you.

You always thought that I left myself open,
But you didn't know I was already broken,
Told myself that it wouldn't be so bad,
But pulling away took everything that I had..
You tried to lie and say I was everything,
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you.
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you,
Let me inside and let me get close to you.
Change your mind and I'll get lost if you want me to,
Cuz somehow I found a way to get lost in you.

The pain of it all,
The rise and the fall,
I see it all in you.
Now everyday,
I find myself sayin',
I want to get lost in you.
I'm nothing without you..

It makes total sense. What am I without you? You've become such a part of it, worked your way into my heart. You've helped me in so many ways.
But what happens when you leave?
What then will I be? That scares me.
I knew who I was before you, but now I have no idea.
I need you, and I hate that. I don't want to need anybody. I shouldn't need anyone.
I refuse to need anyone.
I'm perfectly fine and functional on my own.. Except I'm not.

Depending is dangerous

I waited for you, today.
But you didn't show, no.
I needed you, today...
So where did you go?
You told me to call,
Said you'd be there.
And though I haven't seen you,
Are you still there?
I cried out with no reply,
I can't feel you by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know.
You're here,
And I'm never, alone.

I am so needy. Which is something I just don't get.
I have never needed people before; I was so comfortable on my own, happy.
What changed?
When did I start needing someone? Needing to talk to them, needing them to love me, needing their approval. When did I start depending on them so much that I couldn't imagine my life without them?
I really want to know.

I'm just feeling it today :D

 

 

 

Saturday strikes again!

It's a Saturday!!
Today didn't entirely turn out how I had wanted it to, but that's okay.
I had planned to get up at 9, and start a fast with a friend. I ended up getting up later. For me, it feels like there just isn't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I need to accomplish. It's now 12:30 and I've done nothing, so I guess I should get started, eh?

I'm thinking of doing a walk for MS with my school in May. My aunt has MS, as well as the band teacher at school. I'd love to participate, just because I like the band teacher st my school, and it's a family cause. I'd love to start doing things like that. Maybe not running, unless it's small distances. But I'm still thinking about it, and I've got until Monday anyways. ^_^

Has anyone that reads my blog ever participated in anything like this? (:

Thinspo saves the day!

It's only 9:30 am and I'm not hungry but I want food. I can't entirely pinpoint why, but I know that I am not going to eat. I'm not hungry, so no.
I spent a lot of my free time looking at thinspo on my iPod and the Internet, and I'm feeling pretty good right now. It definitely put me off food. I need to get it through my head that if I ever want to be thin, I have to stop eating so much.
I don't really know how to find when I am hungry though. It's like, I never eat because I'm hungry. I eat when everyone else eats, for convenience. But that doesn't work so well as I end up eating so much more than I need to.
I'm not sure how to break that cycle, but if I can keep this up, where I want to eat and then I get motivated not to, I hopefully won't look horrendous in summer. I hope.

I'm just wishing for the day to be over, as I want to be out of school so I can do my own stuff. And of course it's the weekend, so I just want to be home. But at the same time, after last night, I don't want to go back there.
I hate him. I really do. I don't think that can ever be changed, but I guess I can deal with it. And I'm a bit mad at S too. Today, I am happy, but I just feel generally irritated at everyone and everything.
I hate when my moods get like this, because I'm the most unfriendly person to those who try to talk to me. But I know that if I can just get some time on my own, then I'll feel better.
But at the same time, I don't really want to be alone. I want to talk to people, hang out. I want to have friends.
But that requires me actually having friends here.

I need it to be summer, so I can have my free time, and I can do whatever I want. So I can make memories, and not stress. So I can just be me, and enjoy my boyfriend being here as well. (:
Of course, it's always about him. ;)

I'm so glad that I've finally started finding happiness, but my moods can flip and crash low so easily. I can go from being the most happy person ever to hating the world and myself and wishing I was dead. It's pretty crazy, and it wears me out.
But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my Friday!
I hope everyone has a good weekend! :D

Bouncing back

Despite everything that happened last night, I have still bounced back. Of course. But I have no idea how long that will last or even if it will. I'm happy it's a Friday.
I got accepted into WarrenTech.
I got my iPod back, despite thinking I never would.
I'm alive.
Those are things which I have to remember, because they really are some things to be happy about and grateful for. I'm gonna try to not let last nights events affect me too much.
I'm so tired though, I was up until 3:30am watching YouTube videos on my iPod. :D
Yay for 3 1/2 hours of sleep. xD
I don't really mind though. I'm trying to be happy, and It's a good day. (:

By the way, I'm addicted to this song. Anyone else with me?

Daddy's Little Girl

What is it with me never being good enough?
I got accepted into WarrenTech, a school where I can basically study for college while still in high school, and I was so excited. I told my dad - and basically got no response.
When he got home, I heard nothing positive or praise like about it.
He also asked me last night while I was sort of sleeping, where the camera was. I told him I thought maybe on the kitchen counter, but earlier found it in my desk. I had forgotten I'd used it to take photos.
In response to that, all he said is "You need to stop lying, Camille."
He doesn't even trust me. What the fuck?

I can say till I'm blue in the face that I don't want or need approval from him. Really, most of me doesn't.
But after hearing both of those things, I went into my room and I cried. I cried those body wracking sobs with tears pouring down my cheeks. With my heart so heavy, not being able to breathe.
And right then and there - I realized that part of me wanted approval from him. Part of me was still that little girl wishing for approval from her daddy. Just wanting to be good enough.
S kept coming into my room and telling me that I was over reacting (because she thought I was upset about the comment he made about me lying). I told her that wasn't the problem, but I didn't want to explain to her how much I hurt just because I wanted approval from him. I did, however, without realizing it, repeat "He wishes I wasn't his daughter". Several times.
I hadn't even realized I'd been saying it till S said something. But that only made my cry harder.
To be fair, I blame my period. And S. I've never been this emotional before. I don't have emotions like these. I just don't.
So I don't quite know how to deal with them. But I know one thing.
I just want to be good enough for my dad to love me, to appreciate me. To notice me.
What more do I have to do?

Realizations Don't Mean Change

I'm not sure how to start this post off, or how to say what it is that I want to say.
So therefore, I'll just skip the pretty introductions, and jump right in. Here goes.

I don't want to be this way forever.
I don't want to be disordered forever.
There are two things in which I really want. Two things that I really crave, and that I believe I need more than anything. As much as I wish I didn't.

The first - I need to be 115.
I can't explain why, because I know that at 115 I will probably just hate myself as much as I do now, at a much higher weight. I know that it won't matter to anyone else what weight I am, and it won't make me popular (not that I want to be) and it won't make me prettier (I wish it would.) I know all of this.
So why do I keep pushing for it when I know that ultimately it won't change anything?
I think I keep pushing for it because I hate myself so much, sometimes I surprise myself. I know for a fact that I won't keep living in this hatred, and I don't want to. Losing the weight and trying to reach that magic number of 115, is my attempt at making me hate myself less.
While I know all of the above things are true, here is the flip-side. I won't stop until I reach 115. I won't stop until I get there, until there is physically nothing more I can do. I won't stop until.. until what? I don't know what it is that will make me stop. I don't know what it is that will make me realize that this isn't the way. I read just as many recovery blogs as I do eating disorder blogs. I don't know why I do that either. Maybe I just want to see what life is like on the other side, on the better side. I don't want this. And I could say that I will change my ways, having made this realization. But I would be lying. I know myself enough to know that I am like a rottweiler  When I lock on to something, it's almost impossible to make me let go of it until I reach that goal. You can try all you want, but it just isn't possible. That is both good and bad. If I were to lock that determination of something good, well then it is a good thing. But when I lock it on something bad, you see what happens.

The second realization that I had is that I am wasting my life.
I don't exactly know what I would be doing with my time if I wasn't obsessing over fat, food, calories, weight, and everything else. I wouldn't suddenly have a bunch of friends here to hang out with, I wouldn't suddenly have the perfect life, or be happy with myself. I would just be left with a lot of free time.
Well, and the fact that I don't think  I can ever imagine myself not having an eating disorder or hating myself. I can't imagine a life without it.
If I'm honest, I'm afraid of a life without it. It's all I've come to know myself by, and if I give that up, what would I be?
I want a life, there are so many things I should be doing, so many things I want to be doing. But I just don't feel like it's possible. They say that your high school years are the best years of your life. If that is true, then I am fucked.
I really hope that college is better. I hope by then I can at least make something of myself. Something to eradicate this feeling that I'm wasting my life. Because I really don't want to. It scares me, that I'm wasting my life. But at the same time, I need to.

I do kinda owe these realizations to Eve because I read her post "Hungry?" and it got me thinking.
Thinking doesn't always do you good, but hopefully this time it will.

I fully realize that yesterday I posted in the morning about how I was getting back on top in school, and how I was hoping to feel less stressed. How I was basically happy it was a Monday, though I couldn't pinpoint why.
Then about 6 to 8 hours later, I posted, simply, "It's over. I'm done. I'm sorry."

How to explain this?
I was in a good mood. Or at least alright. Or who knows, maybe I was faking happy and I was just so good at it that I was fooling myself. I don't know. And things were fine, until about noon. Then I started getting tons of anxiety, panic attacks, I couldn't focus in Chem, I didn't want to do anything. Just like that. No warning, nothing to trigger it. I just dropped.
I started trying to pick myself up after that, or at least pretend I was okay. A friend I kinda talk to occasionally asked me if I was alright, and I just smiled and said that I was fine. I didn't want to talk about it or explain anything. My headphones also broke, and I was supposed to get replacements today, though I haven't gotten the email yet. So I was just waiting on that.
Then I got home, and shit fell apart. As soon as I walked in the door.
I don't even want to get into what set it off right now, because just thinking about it makes me want to punch a wall.
I had an emotional breakdown, and everything just hit me. I don't really know how to explain it.
I have this feeling of desperation mixed with such an anger I can't hardly put words to it. I am not a violent person, but I have been wanting to self destruct. Put simply, I had come to the conclusion that if I had weed, I'd be high so I didn't have to think. If I had alcohol, I'd get drunk. Didn't matter. Which, for any of those that don't know me, I am not a drinker. I have never had the ambition to want to drink.After everything with my mom, I basically just lost that desire. Which was fine with me, because it didn't appeal to me. The reason it does now, is because it is a way to self destruct. It is a way to hurt myself. And that's where my focus is. That's the extent of my anger and desperation. I don't have anywhere to place it, or anything to act as an outlet so I take it out on myself. I've tried several things. But nothing just seems to be enough. Nothing. So I use myself. And food.
So yesterday, I didn't have anything left. I mean, really, it's stupid. But it isn't to me. So what did I do? I couldn't control myself and food, not at that moment. But I got angry and tried to erase myself. I cut so much, all down my left arm, all over my legs, and near my collarbone. I don't know why I chose those places, but if I had to take a guess, it would be that I could cut deeper there without hitting anything major. I barely cut near my collar bones, so it was mostly just my left arm and my legs. But even that wasn't enough. I couldn't cut deep enough, and I only used my blade, not my knife. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about it.
And even that wasn't enough. I needed to do more. So first I destroyed my room. I tore everything off of the walls, everything that I had carefully placed in order, and destroyed everything. Then I sat in the middle of all the destruction and I cried for a while. I don't know how long, but I did. I had locked my bedroom door so nobody could get in, and I couldn't get out. And I just cried. Then as the tears stopped (momentarily) I got angry. So angry. You know how some people say that they see red? For the first time ever, I understood that. There was no calming me down, no helping me. Nothing. I was literally seeing red. I punched my wall a few times, but stopped after my dad started bitching. I wanted to scream, but I didn't think I would ever be able to scream loud enough. I didn't know what to do. So I tried cutting again. I don't have my lighter anymore, so cutting is the only thing I have. But I think I realized subconsciously that I couldn't keep cutting, due to the fact that I didn't want to lose too much blood. And I had to hide it. So I moved on to the next thing that came to my mind, not really thinking about it. I took everything in my room that defined it as mine - all the pictures, the poetry I'd written as well as others' poetry, all the art, the Eating Disorder quotes, Inspirational quotes, little things I'd kept that had meaning (ticket stubs from concerts, guard medals, roses, etc.) - and destroyed it. I threw everything, and I destroyed as much as I could. I took everything out of my room, everything I possibly could. Just gone. Just like that. Now my room is empty. White. There's my bed, a tv, a bookshelf, and a desk. But that's it. Walking in there, it could belong to anyone.
It's no longer mine. But even that didn't make me feel better. Cue more tears. I cried. I said the most horrible things I could to myself, I wanted to leave my house but I had nowhere to go, and I planned on dying. I don't have enough emotional outlet to express how I feel. When I get like that, nobody can stop me. I get so destructive, and I usually turn it toward myself. Because I just don't have anything else I can let it out with. It's so frustrating.
After that, I just curled up in a ball on my bed and cried some more. Again, I don't know how long I layed there. I didn't want to cry. I was angry, I wanted to hurt and destroy. I wanted to break things. But I just cried. Eventually, I fell asleep. I think. I catnapped. When I woke up, I heard my dad downstairs listening to his music (you can always tell because you can feel the bass) and he was talking and laughing with S. Then I heard my dad come upstairs and talk to S's son, telling him how good he did working with my dad that day, how much money he made, how much he appreciated the help.
And I just reached for the razor blade.. again. Because I am never good enough. My own dad, the one person I had left that was supposed to love me and help me, doesn't. He has never told me he's proud of me, or that he appreciates something I've done. He's never made conversation like that with me, and I've lived with him for 17 years. I am like the black sheep in my family. Nobody wants me around. And I don't want to be around.
In about 4 weeks, my family is going to disown me. I am pretty much 100% sure I will fail all of my courses, and that I'll be stuck in summer school. And that is why they will disown me. Because everyone is so used to me being a straight A student. I am always perfect, to them. Except I'm not. So I have that to look forward to. It just fuels the flames. That anger and desperation I tried to describe above, that is exactly it. Nothing can help.
I know that I need to stop cutting soon, so that everything will heal by summer. I need it to. Because then it'll be a lot harder to hide in my hoodie, and I don't want people asking questions. And I don't want Cimiron to see it either. I am trying to keep him out of all of this. I'm trying to repeat that mantra I've recently adopted. "2 months... 62 days". It's less now, but you get the point. 2 months. I just have to make it 2 more months, and then all this shit can fade for a little bit. Or so I am hoping. And so people are telling me. I'm trying to make it that far, but even then I am starting to doubt that I will. I am doubting that I have the strength. Everything sets me off now. I don't show it around others, but I take it out on myself.
I don't want to go home. I had the ACT today, which is why I didn't have school. I've been at the library. I don't want to go home though. Just to be around more people that I don't want to see, more things to stress about. Part of me knows that if I go home I will probably just end up eating, which will set me off, and then I'll end up crying on my floor or destroying more things. Not that there is really anything left for me to destroy.. I need to do something.
I realize that I am an entirely too sensitive person, but at the same time, I can be the most unsensitive person. It's weird. But I'm also very passive aggressive  I can't tell people if they piss me off, unless I'm really mad at them. Otherwise, I just kinda sit in silence and get back at them in ways they won't actually realize. Then and only then do I feel better. It isn't one of my better traits, because you can't exactly tell if I'm mad at you. I'm also really awkward around people. Like I can only handle talking to people for short amounts of time, or being around them for short amounts of time, because otherwise I just get awkward. Even if it is someone I know really well, or someone I've been friends with for years. I still can't do long interactions. I don't know why. I don't know if this is something you grow out of, or if I'll always be like this around people. I mean, I can comfortably sit in a room with several people for long amounts of time, as long as they are talking and I'm not. But I can't actively participate in a group or be around people very long when I am the one that is talking. Man, I am just that messed up, I guess.

For those of you who have reached out to me in the past, and found that you were unable to help me.. Please. Just know it isn't your fault. I think I really am truly crazy. I get it from my mom. It isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to help me. You shouldn't have to be the thing keeping me up. I understand that. And I don't blame you for not being able to help. I am so grateful to you for everything. It does mean a lot to me, and if it weren't for you guys, I don't know where I would be. So please, just don't blame yourself.

It's over.
I'm done.
I'm sorry.

Monday!! :D

It's already almost the end of April, and yet another Monday.

Usually I wake up on Monday's not wanting to get out of bed, or go to school. But today, I actually feel pretty good! I'm not entirely sure why, and I know it wont stick around very long, so I'll just enjoy it while I can!

I'm still really paranoid about someone finding my blog -_- and I feel like I should do more, but I don't know what. I guess if nobody says anything to me about it, I shouldn't worry. God knows I don't need even more to stress about.

I do have some anxiety though..

I was really honest last night, and texted someone something that I have wanted to tell them for a while, but haven't. I feel like part of it was something they already knew, but I also included some new things. It was completely honest, no filter. Still today, I haven't gotten a reply. I don't know if they have seen it or not, but I feel really anxious about it. I've had a lot of mixed thoughts about what I should do, even before I sent the message. I don't entirely regret saying it, but I'm nervous about how they'll respond. And if they end up not responding, then I might just feel like an ass. I don't know. I hate this sometimes.

I'm hoping I can keep this feeling of happiness around, and not so much stress.

Which should be easy enough to do, I just have to keep up in school, and not sit in my classes doing nothing. I might just try that!

There are 8 more days in April!! What??! I feel like this year is just flying by. I can't even remember January or February. What I did. it feels so strange. Does anyone else feel like this??

Anyways, I'm off to class now! I hope today passes by quickly! (:

2 months - 62 days

2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months.
Just have to hold on for 2 more months. I'm praying to a god I don't believe in - please. Help me retain SOMETHING worth living for, and help me hold on for 2 more months. After that, if I've got nothing, so be it. At least I tried. But please, I just need something to hold on to for 2 more months. 62 days. Please.

Prisons Are For Criminals

I'm a prisoner in my own house. I can't go anywhere because I'm only 17 and there isn't really anywhere TO go.. But I want out.
I want away from my dad. I hate him. He may have forgotten the fights we had and all the horrible things he's said, but I haven't. He's accused me of stealing money from him - like I'm just that horrible of a person. He always picks fights with me - and it's only started back up after S moved in. Like he has some point to prove.
He doesn't know what I am going through. He hasn't seen the self harm, and I'm glad.
But part of me wishes I could shove them in his face and make him see what he does. What he's contributed to. Not that he'd give two shits. I mean, why should he? He never has before.
But I'm so tired of feeling like an outcast. He likes S's son more than he likes me. I've seen it. I'm nobody. I'm the person in the family that nobody wants. And I don't want to be here either.
I wish I could leave.
I'm pretty sure S has seen the thinspiration poster on the back of my door. It makes me so nervous every time she comes into my room, there's so many things around that she can notice. My dad is too oblivious, so I never had to worry about it before she got here.
And I refuse to take any of it down, because this is MY room. MY space.
But she thinks she owns everything. She's mostly nice, don't get me wrong. But sometimes she oversteps her boundaries. Like how she always makes me eat dinner. Which I can usually fix with laxatives. If only I could purge.
I WANT OUT. I don't want to be around here with all these idiots that don't respect me or my lifestyle!! Not everybody has to eat as much as they do!!! They're just trying to ruin my life. I hate them. All of them. I want them to go away, forever. I have no interest in giving a shit about them, or getting to know S better. I don't want an f'ing mother. I had 2, both were cunts. I hate that word, but in this case, it's appropriate.
I don't want to be a prisoner anymore!! Just leave me alone!!

Who Am I?

You can't be something you're not.
But I can sure as hell try.
I need something that defines me. Something that is unique to me.
Something I love doing.
And as far as it stands right now, I've got nothing. /:
I am nothing. I can't tell you any basic thing about me. Except maybe that I like to starve. But that's it.
That is not enough to define a person. Not at all. But It's all I've got right now.

My Best Friend Ana

It's times like these that I'm grateful for Ana. That make me glad I have her, and that I'm not entirely on my own in this.
She is control. She's the one thing I have that nobody can touch. Nobody can take her away from me, or make me eat. Nobody can keep me fat. Not when her and I are on the same team.
With her, I'm invincible. I can do anything. I'm untouchable. (:

Laying low

I might be laying low for a little while.
I think people are starting to notice my blog. Like people here. Administration at my school, people that have authority. People that know me.
So, with that being said, I will be removing all pictures of me on here, and trying to make my account as anonymous as possible. But that doesn't mean I won't still post (I have my phone). And I will still be me. I just need to hide a bit, I have too many secrets to keep.

With that being said, you can all email me at lastdaytolife@gmail.com if you'd like to chat or want any advice with anything. I always respond to emails. (:

The ramblings of my life

Whenever you are having a bad day, just think of a T-Rex trying to do the bend-and-snap! xD

This definitely made me laugh. Or at least smile.

Did it make you smile or laugh?

At least it's Friday!!

Although I don't have any plans for the weekend. It's supposed to get a bit warmer here, just a little, so maybe I can go for a run. I never feel motivated to do anything but sleep recently, because I stress out so much, and I don't sleep at night. xD

SUUUUUUUUMMMMMMERRR!!! I need you!!!

Please?

Two Can Keep A Secret...

If one of them is dead.

There's a girl at my school, and I don't know her well.
She's a student teacher for one of my teachers. And I was sitting in class today, working, and she stuck this sticky note on my book. I looked up, kinda puzzled, and she just said "If you ever need anything, you can always talk to me." or something like that. I asked her, "Why me?" and her reply was "I see things."
She didn't say it in a creepy way, just a kind way.
So of course I thanked her.
I mean, it's really sweet and kind of her, and I appreciate it. I really do.
But it kinda makes me wonder... What THINGS did she see? The only thing I could think of was the faded/fading cuts on my wrist. But even then, they're a bit hard to see. Or are they?
I think so. And then I thought - maybe she saw my blog. But i've only got that one class where I see her, other than a few times around school. But by no means often. So how could she have seen it?
I wanted to ask her what things she'd seen, but I had to go before I had the chance. I would ask her tomorrow, but it feels like it would be a little out of place, given that she asked me today. (It's 11pm here by the way, when I'm writing this post.)
But the curiosity is killing me. I also took an expo marker to all of me, writing on myself all the nasty hateful words that run through my head. Hey, I was upset. Then I just looked at myself, like the words were a physical reminder. But I washed off all the ones on my arms right away - I had a secret to keep.
So that's not something she'd see. So what did she see? It's driving me insane, this not knowing. Is it just me?
Even if I wanted to talk to her, we're not friends in any way, though we occasionally exchange greetings. I wouldn't even know where to start. And there's too much to explain, as I don't have the effot to re-explain everything to someone new. But I appreciate her reaching out.

Do you ever notice?

Do you ever notice?
The way that I try to let you in.
Do you ever notice?
How I try so hard to fake happy?
Do you ever notice how I fight to find a reason?
A reason to live another day?
I try to let you in
But you never talk.
I try to get your support
But you say you don't know how.
I try to find reasons to keep fighting,
For what we have.
But I wonder if it'd just be easier to let go.
So many words left unspoken.
Fear of what you'd say,
Of what I'd do to you.
Insecurities I hide behind
This brave wall of confidence.
Do you ever notice
When I talk to you, sometimes
That I fight to hold back tears?
That I fight to keep the words in?
Admitting how I feel or what I think
Would do no good.
It would be like punching a brick wall.
Getting nowhere,
Lots of pain.
But do you ever notice?
Sometimes I wish you'd say
Are you okay?
But then I'm grateful that you don't,
Because what would I say if you did?
No, I am not okay.
But I'm tired of fighting
Tired of trying
Tired of asking
For help
For hope.
Tired of worrying,
Or hating.
Do you ever notice?
Do you ever notice the way that I make comments
Things I don't even realize I have said,
Until after I have said it.
Comments that bring myself down
Because they are what I think.
I don't always catch myself.
Do you ever notice?
I sometimes wish that I could just say everything
Just explain it all,
Tell you everything.
But then what would you say?
Nothing.
And then I'd feel so bad,
So guilty,
Because nobody wants to watch another suffer.
But you know that you can't do anything about it,
Or that you can't take away my pain.
A pain that I inflict upon myself,
Because if the pain I inflict upon myself is worse
Than the mental pain I feel inside,
It makes it a little more bearable.
Do you ever notice
The way I leave things unfinished
I mean,
You have more of an insight into what I do,
Why I do it,
What triggers it.
I often make things overly obvious
Because maybe I want you to see
The pain I feel.
Maybe I want you do care enough to try to reach out.
But at the same time,
I can't make you see.
And even if you did see,
What would you do?
What could you see?
What could you do?
Would it even make a difference?
Probably not.

So silence I will hold,
In this fragile state of time.

PLEASE?

I can be so bipolar sometimes. xD
I don't really have any updates, other than that some of my grades (Spanish) are starting to go up. Which is good, I guess.
Now for them to stay that way.

Grades are dropping.

Weight is dropping.

Everything is falling apart.

Nothing is new.

Snow snow..

Go away, don't come again, some other day...

It's snowing a lot here. Which I can't say is my favorite, because it's always so cold. I much prefer rain. (:
But hey! If it snows enough, I'll have a snow day, and then I can really buckle down. I need it. >.<
I just wanted to post this picture of the snow from the 3rd floor of my school. I almost had to walk home in that. -_- I'd much rather stay inside where it's warm and cozy, and watch a movie or listen to music. Not be outside where it's freezing, much less in school! I'm praying for a snow day. xD Wish me luck?

I have 6 weeks left of school.
My grades can't get any worse.
Fuck.
I am actually terrified. I feel like I need someone to slap me across my face, then help me with this.
I don't even know where to turn to for help, or what to do to begin getting back on track.
I would say I need a break to get back on track, but I would only be lying. I would end up procrastinating and then it would do no good.
-________________________________________________-

_--------------------------------------------------------_

I need help. I hate school. I hate Chemistry. I hate this. I just want it to be over with.

Slow days -_- _-_

It's 10:43 am, and i'm at lunch.
Today is going sooo slow... mehh.
I want to go home. And run. And play with my rifle. I got gloves today, so i'm excited to actually try them out. xD

Oh, and i'm working on that project, so very hard, as you can see. (:

This is basically what i'm doing to pass my time.
Oh, and I saw K today. On Friday, I heard from a friend of hers that she wasn't in school because her mom had punched her, and she had a black eye. This is very possible, because her mom is a bit of a psycho. But I felt bad for her, and I will admit, a little jealous. Which is utterly fucked up.
The reason my friend was suspecting was because she had been lying to cover up why she wasn't in school, and her lies weren't matching up. I feel bad for her if that is really what happened, I mean, nobody deserves that.
But knowing her, she punched her mom back. It's kinda weird, how I feel about this.
I mean, not that I can do anything. She hates me. But whatever.

I'm not going back to the counselor, here at my school. I thought about it, but no. I am not going back. That's the end of that. Plus, these past few days, I haven't really been feeling suicidal. So that's good. I'm glad. It's kinda nice, to be redirecting my energy elsewhere. Into losing weight. Into being perfect. It's still there, the urge. I still have everything I would need if I were to go through with it. I still can. I just... Don't want to, as much right now. I'm.. coping.
Which I guess is good. (:

Meh.

I woke up this morning to the rain, and it was like a snow/rain mix. I just wanted to run outside and walk around in the rain, enjoy it. Not go to school.
But alas! I am here. In school, that is.

*cue stress*

I have a project that is due, or was. I am supposed to present it today, and I'm not ready. I thought about ditching that class today, but then I realized that I can't just ditch a class every time I don't have something done. I need to go to class. Buuut I'm so scared.
I guess I'll see what I do when the time comes
I am working on said project as I write this - or trying to.
I am hopefully staying after school to get help with Chem. Ugh.

I got nothing done over the weekend, I just basically did a whole bunch of staring at walls. Which, I have to admit, is so much fun!

Today is day 1 of the challenge. I have 14 days to lose 6 lbs.
I can do this! (:
I feel like my excitement over that is much more than my excitement over school, so all I want to do is focus on that. Not school.
This is seriously getting out of control. This blowing off everything that has to do with school and doing everything BUT school.

May 29th is my last day of school. I have finals on May 28th, and May 29th. Ughhh. I am so not ready!! I need to start studying... But it feels impossible.
If I could just get on top of all of this, then I would feel so much better. But it feels like everything keeps piling up faster than I can do it.

I need to find my motivation for school again.
Mehhhhhh!!

(Because I would rather look up pictures on Google than work on my project. xD)

Say What?

I bought a new scale today. Im pretty excited. Now I can start getting back on track with my weight. Hopefully move toward NOT looking like a whale.
I hope.

I'm starting this challenge thing with a friend of mine too. Basically, you have to lose x amount of weight in x amount of time. Whoever reaches it first, wins. It's good motivation. I'm excited. The first challenge is to lose 6 lbs in 14 days. Sounds easy enough, right? Let's just see if I can do it.
Oh, and I should probably update that page on my blog about my weight. Maybe soon. I want to rearrange it, change it.

I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow in school, but after school i'm going to go for a run if it's not too cold. It was so nice today, warm, sun shining. But it's supposed to snow tomorrow. xD Bipolar weather - my home. ^_^

In other news, I took a razor blade from my dad because I needed one and he had a bunch. Yeah.. Turns out it was a lot sharper than I'd realized. I didn't do any serious damage, but it was a deeper cut than i'd intended to make. But now I know.

It's only (almost) Monday and i'm wishing for another weekend. xD Or rather, I'm wishing for the summer. ^-^ For warm weather, happy memories, free time.

My favorite thing to do in the Summer is probably swing in a park late at night, in the quiet, staring at the stars. Or maybe going to Elitches. I love rollercoasters.
What is your favorite thing to do in the Summer?

It rained here last night. :D I was so happy. I sat outside for hours just listening to the rythem of the rain. It was peaceful. And though it was a little cold, just sitting on my doghouse listening to the rain was the best thing ever. I wish it would rain here more often.

This post is kinda everywhere, but that's how my mind is too. It's up and down and then up again.

But I really do love the rain. Does anyone else?

Stressing Out

My dad and S get back today. From Wyoming.
I feel like I am beating my head against a wall.
I got the motivation to do my school work today, but now my computer doesn't want to load any of the pages that I need. And of course, I left my math book at school.
This isn't working in my favor, and I feel like giving up. I feel like I'm just going to flunk out of school anyways, so what's the point?
No, I know what the point is. I need to learn this stuff. I need to learn Enthalpy and Entropy. But it just seems stupid.

I know that I just need to get through it. But I could use some help too. Mostly in Chem. The others, I can do. I just need time. But when I get stressed out like this, I get really lazy. I procrastinate, I put things off. I don't want to do them.
I tried taking a break from it all. That's what I did yesterday. I took a break, and just tried to relax. It wasn't worth it. I'm back to stressing out again today. I still have a somewhat good mood, but not really.

I can't wait to put this school year behind me. It's not the best, and I'm pretty ashamed at how bad I've been doing, because this isn't me. This isn't how I usually am.
I just want this stress to be over, this nightmare. I just want everything to end.

Random POSITIVE updates!

It is oddly out of place, but not unwelcome. I am actually kind of enjoying it.
My good mood, I mean.
I have basically been in a general good mood for the past two days. I have still had my negative moments, but they aren't bringing me so low that I get stuck there.
It's kinda nice.
I slept so much last night (13 hours) and now I feel kinda lazy. But I'm changing that around and I practiced with my Rifle for a bit, and cleaned my room. Soon here I'll start working on school work too. Every time I think about it, I get so stressed out and my "I don't give a fuck I just hate it and it doesn't matter anyways" mood kicks back in. So I'm going to try to do it one at a time. Just take it easy.
I am officially done with Color guard now, and while that makes me sad, it also gives me a lot more free time that I can use to do more school work. I hope that will start reflecting on my grades soon... But for now I'm not going to think about that.
My dad left for Wyoming again, but he'll be back tomorrow night sometime. I am thinking about talking to him about getting a Chemistry tutor. I know it's a little late in the year for that, as we only have like 7 weeks left, but I don't think i can get my grade up on my own, much less actually pass that class. I want to though, I don't want to fail it.
Yesterday I ditched my 2nd hour because I needed the time to work, and then I ditched my 7th hour because I was having somewhat of an emotional breakdown and I couldn't handle it. I had a rally right after that and I didn't want to go and pretend to be all cheery. My mood improved soon after that though. So it didn't last. I just need a few days off from school. Or better yet - I need it to be summer. I just need a break from everything, a chance to breathe.

Which yes, means that for now, I don't intend to end my life. For now, I see a future as far as summer. But that can change. For now, I'll just go with it. (:
I suppose that I should go get started on my work, and finish cleaning my room... But I'm such a procrastinator. (:
I don't really want to do any of it, but I know I'll feel better when it's done.
Oh, and I went to go talk to the school counselor yesterday, hoping to tell her that I was suicidal, and see if she can recommend me to someone who might be able to help - but she blew me off. So I'm not going back there, ever again.
Not that I mind, I mean, I basically forgot about it and left it in the past so that I didn't have to stress over it. And I'm doing fine now, so all is well, I guess. (:

Ohh... That homework thing. Yeah, gotta go do that. >.< Wish me luck!! (I'd much rather be outside playing with my rifle..) xD

Frrrriiiidayy!!

Ahhh!! It's Friday!!

So... It's Friday!!!
All in all, I think this week has been alright. I was supposed to get up at 5 this morning to do some crunches, take a shower, and get ready for school. Leaving time to get some work done. Last night after I got home from practice, I was so tired I literally fell asleep on my books... They're not comfortable. xD

But, alas, that didn't happen? Why? Because when my alarm went off, I decided that I wanted to sleep more, so I went back to sleep for an hour. I must have slept a total of like 8 1/2 hours last night... Which is like double my usual amount. Yeah, I usually sleep like 4 hours a night, if that.

I got stressed out over Chemistry... again. And I forgot to ask my dad about a tutor.. Hm. I need to do that. So I got to school late today, at the start of my first class. But I decided to ditch it, kinda last minute, to do some work. I've gotten some work done, but not nearly the amount I need to. Ugh.

I really need to stop ditching classes, because pretty soon here, I'm gonna get truancy. Which, if you don't know, means that basically I have to go to court and my dad can possibly get a fine since I have to be in school a certain amount of days a year. It's my fault I'm not going to class, but since I'm a minor, (under 18) he gets the fine. So I really need to start going to class.... It definitely isn't helping my grades any.

I have practice again tonight... and my last show. Ugh. I don't want to do it, just because I'm tired of it. But she let us add things to our performance, so I think it will be fun. I get to have a prison fight. :D Random, yes. But totally epic!! Annnnnd since it's the weekend, I am going to spend the rest of my night doing homework. No exceptions. I am going to take both my Ipod and my phone, and put them on the other side of my room or something if I have to. I am going to get everything done. Then I can enjoy my weekend. It's time for me to be strict again.

I'm feeling kinda anxious and scared at the moment, because my instructor wants us to wear T-Shirts for our show tonight, but there is no way that will hide the cuts on my arms. And I don't want people asking questions. I'll have to find a way to get out of that one. I don't really want to go to practice tonight, or perform, but I guess I will end up doing it regardless. One last time. My last practice of Winter guard before I graduate, my last performance. I just want  school to be over... meh! But at the same time, I don't because my grades suck so much.

Guess I better get on that.

Well, off to class I go!!

Question?

What is it that makes you all want to read my blog?
What caught your eye, or made you want to stick around?
How did you find my blog?

Just some random questions I've been wondering. (:

PLEASE READ!!!

For those of you that read my blog, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
I hate being this negative person all the time.
I do have hope, for summer.
It just hit me. My motivation.
I don't know why.

But it did, and I just want to say that I'm sorry.
I promise that things will start looking up, and that I won't be so negative.
I promise that I will be more positive, more interesting, more optimistic.
That I won't be so down all the time.
i am trying.
Right now, I don't have the time nor the energy to change it.
But in 2 months, when I am out of school, and this school stress is behind me, then I will be more fun.
More exciting, and hopefully more optimistic. I won't be so down, upset, and all this shit.

I was sitting in Sociology today, thinking that I wanted to actually get something done, give a shit, try.
I wanted to not let my life be an absolute failure, just for one second.
So I went into Chemistry, thinking that I would actually try to do it. I would ask questions when I didn't understand, and do the best I could.

.................

Let's just say that didn't end well.

I feel like such a disappointment to so many people. People that believe in me, and want to help me, and want me to do well. I just disappoint them all.

I'm literally out of options... I just want to jump in front of a bus..

Excuse My Ignorance

Who am I kidding?
I KNOW that I can't expect someone to help me.
I have to help myself.
I KNOW that I can't just sit back and wait for everything to get better.
I have to go and actively make it better myself.
That last post is bullshit.
I'm sorry.
I KNOW that I can't rely on other people.
I have only myself to rely on.

So why do I keep wishing all of this would just happen?
I am not putting in the adaquate effort.
I am a joke.
Obviously I don't want anything to change. I just want to sit here and complain about it.
I am worthless.
People should just stop reading my blog.
All I do is wallow in self pity.
"Poor me, poor me.."
Whatever.
I am pathetic.

You ask me how I am.
I give you my standard answer, "I'm alright", not really meaning it, but knowing it's what you want to hear.
You take my words just as they are, not questioning.
You don't want to see it, either. You don't want to see the pain that I try so hard to cover up, or the lies that I so carefully construct.
I can't really blame you, I mean, you know you can't help. But you're wrong. You help in so many ways; you just can't see it.
Behind that "I'm alright" there are so many unshed tears, pain lurking right beneath the surface.

"I'm alright." In truth, I'm really not. I'm planning suicide, crying out for help, feeling desperate, needing something, someone.. Anything. Pushing most of it away because I don't want it. But that's a paradox, isn't it?
I can't say I blame you for not seeing beneath the surface, seeing all the ugly monsters that I work so hard to hide. If you ignore it long enough, it goes away eventually, right?
Wrong.
I'm stubborn. I may know the right path to take, as well as the wrong one. But because of who I am, HOW I am, I will forge my own path, taking bits and peices from both the right and wrong paths.
And I can get through it - one way or another. Either that or meet the end.

I know you care, or at least I think I do. I know you feel powerless to help, a bystander to my self destruction. I know you don't think there is much to be said, and maybe you're right.
I would be selfish to ask you to step out there, see through my lies, show me that you care. Ask me how I am, dig for the answer that isn't my bullshit excuse.
I know I'd be selfish.

But what if you were the only one who could save me from myself?
What if you were the magic wish?
No... that isn't right. This is reality, not a fairytale. We don't all get happy endings.

Well, a girl can dream.

Rock bottom.. Again.

What can I say that I haven't already?
What can I do to show you?
Why am I still here?
Why am I still fighting?
What I want, and reality, do not clash.
My mind is racing 100 miles per hour.
I want...
What do I want?
I have a vague idea, but I have stopped wanting. Wanting anything other than a release, a final fuck you to a world that has destroyed me.
Or maybe I have destroyed myself.

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now.
I woke up at 2 am this morning (not sure what time I went to bed) and I didn't want to go back to sleep. So I basically sat downstairs looking at photos and thinking and writing for the entire morning. It's almost 11 am now.
I'm a little tired but at the same time I don't want to sleep. I tried to do some of my work, but I couldn't focus and all I could think about was food, eating, moving, anxiety, how fat I am. Usch. I was supposed to go to school today but it was just too cold and I just couldn't manage it. I'm so pathetic.
After sitting downstairs for about 5 hours, I needed something to do. I needed a way to expend everything building up inside.
It was like I was outside of my head, watching everything happen. I walked upstairs to my room, got the knife that I have and just started self harming. I had tears pouring down my cheeks, but all I could think about was the pain. How I deserved it and how I am so stupid. I mean, I say that I have an eating disorder but I don't look like it.
It was a great distraction, and I just need to keep busy so I don't eat.
I'm so scared to eat anything. I mean, we have fruit snacks here that are supposed to be only like 90 calories, but it's like I don't trust anything.
I don't trust food, or anything, regardless of how healthy it is. I know that this is the only way that I will get skinny.
But I'm so scared to think of the future, even a week from now. I stress out and then I start falling apart.

I'm holding on just by the seams, don't you see?
I'm barely holding on, and everything seems to push me over the edge.
My grandma called me upset over the fact that I wasn't in school, that I hadn't gone. I told her that my dad said I didn't have to go and that I was doing school work. I lie to her so much. She is so disappointed in me, so if she knew the truth... what would she say? I almost just want to wear a neon sign that encourages people to be upset with me. Everyone is anyways...

Whatever.
One more year, and then everyone here won't matter. If you're disappointed in me, fuck you. You don't know anything. That counselor I thought about talking to? Fuck that. No. I really should do homework, but I can't focus. I need the computer to do  it since I don't have the books I need... But I can't focus and I can't stand to sit here any longer. I need to do something, and I have so much anxiety. I don't want to hurt people anymore, but at the same time, I just don't care.

 

 

3 am rambles!!

I have been thinking about talking to a therapist again. Or rather the same one I went to before. And just telling her that I have been feeling the affects of my depression so much recently, and see if she might be able to refer me to someone who can possibly evaluate me to see if I need medication to manage it or if there is something else that can be done.
I hate this thought so much. I don't really want to be on medication. It makes me feel like I'm weak for not being able to get over it without it, but at the same time, I realize that the way I am currently living isn't getting me anywhere. I am missing so much school, because I have so much anxiety or I just can't manage it. I don't do assignments and projects and stuff because I just can't focus, because I feel like there isn't any point or that I'm going to fail anyways, so why put in effort?
I mean, part of that is just me, but part of it isn't as well.

Yesterday was a really good day. I wasn't as productive as I would have liked to be, but I mean, it wasn't a shitty day. I didn't really do anything, other than checking emails and such, and downloading music. I read a few books, cleaned my room a bit. Pretty lazy. I had a snow day, so no school. School is open today (I'm currently writing this at 3 am) but I don't think I will go. I have no way to safely get there and back, since it's still snowing and it's 10 degrees outside, so yeah... My dad basically just told me that I didn't have to go. Well, that was yesterday, but still.
I have so much homework to do, still. It's only Wednesday, but I have so much homework because I didn't really do any work last week. Bleh! Gotta get done somehow, eh?

There is so much violence in the world. It breaks my heart. I am watching this news program, and it was reporting on a man in Texas, breaking into a school and stabbing several students. they said that at least 20 were injured. I mean, you have that, but it's not the only one. Here are some stories on different things that have happened. Most of them are local to me, but nonetheless.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/sandy-hook-elementary-school-shooting/
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57578677/14-wounded-in-texas-college-stabbing-attack/
http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_22645173/jessica-ridgeway-case-charges-against-austin-sigg-altered

These are just a few, but there are so many. And honestly, I know that none of this is news. I know that these things happen all the time. But I guess I never really see it. Or I try not to. Because it bothers me so much that all of this is happening, yet I can't really do anything about it. That I just hear about it. I mean, I'm sure there is something I could do, but I just feel so powerless.
Anyways, rant over.

There are just my jumbled thoughts at 3 am. xD

Nine Inch Nails

Making a plan

According to MyFitnessPal, if every day were like today, I would weigh 150.4 lbs in 5 weeks.
Here's what today looked like:
Coffee this morning (guilty indulgence)
Slurpee for lunch (more guilty indulgence)
nothing for dinner.
TONS OF WATER!!!!

No solids. Only liquids.

I could deal with that, but I also know that long term fasting like this isn't possible for me.
I'll eat, and then I'll hate myself more.
So I have to re-assess this.
I put some of my safe foods into the calculator, on MyFitnessPal.
It looked like this:
Breakfast: Apple
Lunch: Tomato
Dinner: Chicken Noodle Soup
And the total came out to 162 calories!!

I could live with that... Annnd it says that if I do that for 5 weeks, then I would weigh 152 in 5 weeks. Which I can live with, because it allows for a little wiggle room. But of course I haven't factored in my exercise. I will, and then I'll update this post. For now, I'm really happy. :D

Just let it end already

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have so much stress and anxiety. I NEED to do well in school.
That is not an option.
But at the same time, I don't have motivation. And I'm so full of anxiety that I can't sit still for more than 10 minutes.
And as a result, my grades are dropping.
Sociology: 86.43% (B)
English: 75.81% (C)
Chemistry: 37.06% (F)
Spanish: 67.23% (D)
World History: 66.67% (D)
Algebra II: 76.1% (C)

My attendance has gone downhill too.
This is not me. I do not do this. I am the student with the 4.0, getting straight A's, or at least B's. I am the student getting help when I need it, and planning my future.
I talked to my counselor and some of my teachers about 2 weeks ago, and they all told me that I could not get any extensions. That it was my problem that I was having so many troubles.
I really want someone to slap me and scream at me that I need to get my grades up, that I need to do better than this, that I AM better than this.
I need a Chemistry tutor. It's the last few weeks of school, and I need to get that up.
I need to get all my grades up. I understand that I have turned in some assignments that my teachers have not yet up in the grade book, so those aren't counting towards my grades, yet. I wish they would though, because then I could assess the damage.
I am so terrified.
I have the ACT in 2 weeks, but I haven't studied at all for it. Why? Because I need to take the essay portion, which means I will already have to take the ACT again anyways, so why worry about it right now? If I don't have to stress over it, why should I?
But that's wrong. I am stressing over it. I have thought about asking my dad if I can get a Chem tutor, because really, I am not understanding it at all. I've asked several people here if they can tutor me, but they always bail or they don't know the material themselves. I can't do that class on my own. At this point, I'm willing to admit that I need help.
I need some control back in my life. 2 months. 2 months for everything. I don't know if I can do it. Right now, I'll be lucky if I get into any of the colleges that I want to go to. If that. I don't want to go to Community college, for stupid reasons. But I might end up doing that anyways.
I need control. I can't be without it. I need to do something. This week, I am going to start fresh. Just do the assignments that I'm assigned, and forget the rest. Or forget it as much as I possibly can. Maybe that will help.

Does anyone have any other advice? Anything would help.

Cool Calm and Confident

Earlier today, someone said that I am amazing. That despite all the shit that I've gone through, (which they know nothing about how much shit I have REALLY gone through) I am standing strong. She said that I radiate confidence, and strength.

I was actually speechless. I mean, no. I don't think of myself in that way, but that IS what I try to project. Confidence.
And to know that it might be working, well, it was reassuring. Even if it isn't true.

Nothing

Way to go.
Make me feel like utter shit, on top of how horrible I am already feeling about myself.
Thanks.

Words aren't enough anymore. Everything I'm doing isn't enough.
I need to do more, but what more can I do?
Fuuuck everything.
8 more weeks of school.
8 more weeks of shit and stress.

I just want to die. Whatever.

Colorguard!

We had about 17 guards in our region alone. We got 13th place. Not the best, but not bad either!
There were about 90 guards at that competition. Some I knew, some I didn't.
It sucks that it runs so late, but at the same time, it doesn't. I love Winterguard.
I don't want to see it go..
This has been a fantastic season. <3

I am totally psyched about this, but at the same time, tiiiiiiiiiiirrrrred.
I just wanted to post here that we got 13th, (woo!!) and that I love my guard.
I'm leaving my bitching out of this, because quite frankly, I just wanna be happy for once. And I am. :D

State was amazing!!! We performed about 2ish hours ago, and it was great! I'm not sure what place we've got, not until tonight! But I am happy with it regardless of the place we get. :D
--------------------

However, it is so triggering. I feel like my writing or talking is so pointless because I am always so negative. Or I can be positive, but not without the negative side.
WHATEVER.
I like watching all these guards, and being a part of it. It feels so good to be *a part* of something. And something I do well. I can't believe they are getting rid of it next year.
Yeah, they say that it's because less and less people are wanting to join, but I mean... No..
You only technically need 5 people to have a guard. So if we had that, then why not? Our guard this season is only 9. And there's 3 seniors. They want to keep fall, a.k.a Marching Band, but I don't want to do Marching Band. Colorguard is my home. WINTERGUARD is my home. /:
What am I going to do next year without it? There aren't any activites at my school that interest me..
I don't want it to go. /:

Hawaii/Lindsey Stirling

It won't let me post any photos from Hawaii or the Lindsey Stirling concert... My computer is being a fucktard.
/: I'll keep trying!

Hawaii/Lindsey Stirling

It won't let me post any photos from Hawaii or the Lindsey Stirling concert... My computer is being a fucktard.
/: I'll keep trying!

I can never rely on people.
I hate it. I try, but it feels like everyone else is just carefree and doesn't give a shit when things get done.
I have a certain time for everything, and a short time frame to work in.
I realize my anger in this might be misplaced, but c'mon!

I was actually in a good mood today. I didn't have to go to school, I looked pretty in a way that hid my fat, I learned work for State (Saturday!!), I spent the day dancing, singing, laughing, smiling, etc. It was a good day.
Totally opposite how I feel now.
I wish I knew more ways to punish myself. Maybe then I'd get it through my fucking skull that food is bad. I need to fast more often.
No sleep tonight, caffiene in the morning. I'll use caffeine to get through the day.
Cutting, and lots of it. Wishing I had the nerve to take it to my wrists.
But I don't want to go that way.. I'm not sure why, but no.
At least tomorrow is Friday.. Woo.

Borderline Personality Disorder

I have got Borderline Personality Disorder, I think.
I'll post the symptoms below, but I fit them so perfectly.
Unfortunately, you can't be diagnosed unless you are an adult, or over 18. Which I am not.
Hmm.

Symptoms:
- Impulsive and risky behavior such as risky driving, unsafe sex, or illegal drug use.
- Awareness of self-destructive behavior such as self-injury but feeling unable to change it.
- Wide mood swings
- Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression.
- Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights.
- Difficulty controlling emotions of impulses
- Suicidal behavior
- Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty, or hopeless
- Fear of being alone
- Feelings of self hate and self loathing

That's the symptoms. But they don't diagnose it in teens because it could just be teenage hormones and such. Which I understand, but at the same time, I don' want to admit that I have it.
Since it's not diagnosed, I doubt that I will ever be diagnosed. And I don't want to self diagnose because I don't want to be one of those people.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/

A look inside my head

This morning I had 90 minute classes, and I have an off hour. So, 90 minutes to work. Which I needed.
When I got to school, all the thoughts started. So here we go:
Me: I'm tired. Coffee. It'll warm me up, and get me awake. I will go get some coffee :D
Ana: Coffee has calories. You don't drink it black, but you should. How many calories are in your coffee? 500? More? You don't deserve the coffee, fat ass. Do you want to be fat for the rest of your life?!!
Me: But I need it. It's beneficial. And I promise I won't eat the rest of the day. It will even out.
Ana: No calories is better.
Me: But I'm cold, and tired. Just one. That's all, I will burn it off later. All of it, and more.
Ana: Fine. But you are not eating for the rest of the day.
So while I was drinking my coffee, the mental loop started.
Ana: Fat ass, whore, skank, fatty, weak, needy, worthless, useless, failure, hopeless, coward, ugly, stupid, bitch. And repeat.
I tried to do work, but I got so anxious and jittery, and I couldn't sit still. So I gave up after 30 minutes, got up and walked around, so I didn't have to think, and because it burns calories. It helped, but only slightly.
Lunchtime (11 am)
Me: I have money, but I don't want to spend it for lunch.
Ana: Good. You don't deserve it anyway. You look like a whale.
Me: Maybe I could buy an energy drink. It has some calories, but they're liquid calories so they don't count. And it would give me more energy. Which I could use to burn more calories.
Ana: You already had the coffee, so no. You don't need more calories. Fuck you. Fat ass.
Me: I'm hungry, it would help fill the hunger. Or what if I ate something low cal? Something healthy; it would make me feel less guilty about eating, and then I could use it for energy.
Ana: NO. YOU WILL NOT EAT. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT. Besides, do you really want people laughing at you? I mean, look at you. People laugh at you when you admit you have an ED, or they would. You're too fat. No. Walk around, burn calories, bitch.
Me: Fine. Today can be a fasting day. I don't want to eat anyways. I have better things to spend my money on.
Ana: Like what? You're useless, helpless, and fat. Oh, and don't forget worthless. It would only be a waste. Like you.
Me: I'll climb stairs.
So I climbed about 30 sets of stairs, up and down, up and down, for my lunch period. I wanted to sit in the library and do work, but I still felt anxious.
My Chem teacher: Hey, want to come take the Chem test you missed?
Me: No. I'm not ready.
Her: *Gives me strange look* Do you enjoy being mediocre? Failing?
Me: I don't understand the material. I want to study more first, then take it tomorrow.
Her: Tomorrow is the last day you can take it, when will you come in? Why not take it today?
Me: Because I need help. I am trying to find a tutor, or someone who understands Chemistry.
Her: You should come get help from me. I am your teacher, that's what I'm for. When you come decide to take it, I'll be in my room. I'll be waiting for you to come get help.
Like I would ever get help from her? No. But thanks for putting me down. I'll add that to my list of mental insults. Mediocre.
At the end of lunch, in a daze, not really in my body, I walked to the lunchroom. I wanted a cookie, but I was just going to look. I wasn't going to actually eat anything.
Ana: Don't go in there. You know you will end up buying something, like the weak, pathetic person you are. Don't do it.
Me: I'm just gonna get water. I forgot my water bottle today.
...... Well, long story short, I left the lunchroom with 2 sugar cookies (500) and Baked! Hot Cheetos (120)...
Ana: See? You're worthless. You couldn't even manage that. Did you end up getting water? No. You're pathetic. Why don't you just end your life? You aren't worthy of staying here anyways. You're such a failure. Eating Disorder my ass. You're just attention seeking and worthless. I mean, you've been "admitting" to your suicidal thoughts and plans for a while now. But guess what? You're still here, and so am I bitch!
Me: Shut up. I hate you. I hate me. I hate everything and everyone. I'll prove you wrong. I'll do it. I'll die. Then nobody will be laughing. Or they will, but fuck them. I won't care.
Ana: Whatever, I'll believe it when I see it. Besides, you know you're going to eat the cookies and Cheetos and then you're going to hate yourself more.
Me: Maybe I want to hate myself. Besides, I can just burn it off later.
Ana: Let's see.... No. Go ahead and eat it, you fat ass. You're so pathetic. You won't burn it off later, you can't. You're a failure. Such a joke for living on this earth. Everyone is probably laughing at you.
Me:.....
After school, I went to Dairy Queen. Why? Because I knew it would increase my self hatred. I wanted to be angry, and I wanted that fucking ice cream. Hahahahahah. Fuck.
After eating it, I felt so bad. I wanted to purge, but I couldn't. I hate not having a gag reflex, I wanted to cut, but I didn't have my razor blade, and I wanted to die, but I can't right now. Soon, maybe.
Ana basically tore me apart. I don't even want to repeat what she said, I don't even think it was important.
Only one thing was clear, I was not allowed to sit down again, or sleep. I gave up that right, when I ate the Ice Cream. No, instead I would spend the rest of my night exercising. I wanted to do some work, and I've tried. But I have too much anxiety and I can't concentrate. My back hurts from standing so much, and running up and down stairs. I'm tired, but I can't stop. I have to keep going. Writing this has given me a small release, and I hope this can serve a later purpose. I'm not sure what at the moment.

In case you wanted another example of how Ana controls my life, here's one.
I need to pee. Maybe that's too much information. But as it stands right now, I am not allowing myself. Because since my bladder is craving relief, I am hopping, dancing, fidgeting, and shaking my legs. Therefore, moving, burning calories. I realize I could do that without needing to use the restroom, but simply because I need to, I am not allowing myself too. Or Ana isn't. Instead, I sit stand here and drink my water.

My head is a fantastic place to be.
This is my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I rarely sleep anymore. Or not much. Ana and I refuse. Or Ana does. It's a constant battle. It's exhausting, but it's who I am.

Hopefully, if you didn't already know, now you know what it's like to live in my head.

I have lost my words.
I have nothing to say.

.....

It's over.

I'm sorry.

Mondays Disguised as Tuesdays

Hello there!! (:
Today is Tuesday April 2nd (for me anyways) and it feels like a Monday. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night, I had too much energy. So I stayed up, and now I'm tired as shit.
I'm feeling really lightheaded as well. Not such a great thing.
But I will deal with it. (COFFEE xD)

I am excited that I have one more week of Colorguard :D
Just one. State is this Saturday (eeek!!!). We placed 8th in our last competition, instead of last. I was so excited. But I am also stressing out. I have so much to do... And I didn't do any of it over break. None. I wasn't planning to be here today... so yeah....

I have no motivation to do it. No hope to do it.
I don't want this, life.

But I'll just get through today, and see how I feel.
I get my phone back today as well, and I have to say, I missed it.
Just because recently these past few days have been rough, and I rely on my phone and the people I text for support.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I hate it.

I'm gonna go get some coffee, and try to be more of a morning person. I don't want to start off the day hating everything and everyone. (:
Positive.

If Today Was Your Last Day

If today was your last day,
And tomorrow was too late,
would you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last,
Leave old pictures in the past,
Donate every dime you have?
- Nickelback

If I wasn't here tomorrow,
Would anybody care?
If my time was up,
I'd want to know,
You were happy I was there.
If I wasn't here tomorrow,
Would anyone lose sleep?
If I wasn't hard and hollow,
Then maybe you'd miss me..
I know I'm a mess,
And I wanna be someone,
Someone I'd like better.
I can never forget,
So don't remind me of it forever.
What if I'd just pulled myself together?
Would it matter at all?
What if i had just tried not to remember,
Would it matter at all?
-Skillet

I know that all of you care about me. Everyone who reads my blog.
I know that.
But I've said it before and I'll say it again. You're wasting your time trying to help me.I'm stubborn, and for whatever reason, I don't want help.
I feel stuck.
No up.
There is no up.
I don't want up.
I want more things to crash around me.
I want everything to break.
I want to destroy myself.
I want to destroy everything around me.
I want nothing to be left standing.

Even myself.