Christmas wasn't too much of a crash and burn scenario. Ate a decent amount, didn't gain too much.
Since Christmas
Everything sucks.

My boyfriend and are fighting more, more things keep crashing down on me.
I cut, I burn, and I starve.
But none of it matters.
I want to get away from here.
I don't even know if I give a fuck anymore.

I am a punching bag. Step right up and make your best shot. That's all I am good for.

Had a job interview today and my bf left without me.
My mom hurled terrible words at me where it hurt most.
None of my friends are around. They all have jobs and lives and no time for me.

So I sit in this house and let all the terrible words and deadly thoughts run rampant inside of me
Until it becomes too much and I pick up a blade.

Too low

Why do I have to look so fine on the outside?
Why can't I tell my boyfriend that I feel so bad I can barely get out bed? Why is it so hard for me to ask for his help, his love, his support?
Why can't I tell him how I feel?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why can't I just let myself cry,
Scream, hit, until the storm inside of me has passed?
Why can't it be that easy?

Instead I bottle it up and hold it in and put a smile on my face and tell myself
I
Am
Fine

I have no idea what my weight is, but I know I am gaining. My boyfriend's dad told me I looked pregnant the other day, and he also told my boyfriend that he could find someone better than a lazy psycho cutter. I can't forget it, no matter how many times my boyfriend calls me beautiful.
It makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and every time I even so much as glance at my body I want to cut.
I hate that I have lost all control.

I hate that Christmas is this week and the guilt is killing me. I don't deserve to attend it, but I see no other way. I don't know how I am gonna deal....
Because these days it just seems like one disappointment after another.
Mainly because of me.
Because I am as worthless as I feel.
Often enough I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Things aren't improving because I am doing nothing and that fact makes me hate myself more but everything feels so impossible.... so I just hate myself. I am a waste of space, of life.

And I hate
Every
Single
Thing
About
Myself.

And its never gonna change.

Ugh

I guess a lot happened yesterday, and it has changed how everything is.

** A little backstory. Over the past couple weeks, things have gone missing. Change, a credit card, weed, and now cigarettes. However, my boyfriend admitted guilt to it, and apologized and has seriously been trying to make right since then.... I get that we fucked up, but it's the fact that my boyfriend is trying to right the wrong because he is genuinely sorry for what he did.

Yesterday morning, I was woken up by my brother's loud music. When I tried to explain I was still sleeping, he basically said that he doesn't give a fuck and shut his door. That's kind of where it started. Then about an hour later, I asked him if I could buy a filter from him. Granted, we did jack his cigarettes and he has a reason to be angry.... but Damn. Basically my brother said no and I went outside with my bf.
A few minutes later my brother's girlfriend opened the back door and started yelling things like
How dare I ask her for a cigarette
Who did I think I was
I am a fucking thief
Etc
I told her to lower her voice because the neighbors didn't need to hear our business and she got bitchy. We went back downstairs to chill for a minute and breathe and my brother came up to my door and asked my bf if he wanted to go to jail. When my bf said no, my brother said that he needed to get out of his grandparents house because he was coming back with the police. That started an argument and my brother's girlfriend had to put her two cents in.
"How can you love someone who steals from your family?"
That's one of the things she said to me, and when I told her to shut up my brother got all defensive saying that I don't tell his girlfriend to shut up and this, that, and the other. Then my brother threatened to hit me if I didn't shut up and when I told him to do it, he just left. My grandma stepped in trying to mediate, and it's quite funny that she thinks she can stop my brother. She can't. So my boyfriend went out to his car and was sitting there and I guess my brother came out and told him to leave, acting like a thug wanna be gangster like he is.
I was inside talking to my grandparents when that went down, and they were trying to figure out the truth of the situation as well as calm it down. They started asking me a bunch of questions about my bf and whether I really wanted to be with him or not. Of course I do.
I was explaining the truth her and then went leave and when I saw that my bf's car wasn't outside anymore I started crying and slammed the front door. My grandma stood up trying to give me a hug, and I screamed at her not to touch me, look at me, care about me, acknowledge me.... none of it. My grandma looked at me in such a way.... like I broke her heart. Well, she broke mine like a bull in a china shop.

After that my boyfriend and I left, only coming back to pack a few things. I ended up staying with a childhood friend of mine way down South so that I didn't have to go home. That was a big mistake. My best friend came with me, and she fell asleep right away, whereas my bf and I couldn't sleep. We basically sat in his car all night and it's now going on 20 hours since I last slept. I just didn't feel too safe in her house, and neither did my bf. Something about it, I guess.

If the environment at my grandparents proves to be impossible, I am either spending the winter sleeping in my boyfriend's car, or both of us are moving to Missouri. One or the other.
My brother has also been posting things on Facebook about this whole situation, and my mom decided to chip in. When I basically told her to shut the fuck up, she deleted my comment. So in ways it feels like there is no way of conning back from this, not if I stay with my boyfriend.

My family doesn't think I should move out of state, but honestly it's beginning to feel like I have no choice. I can't stay here.
I thought your family was supposed to stick by you no matter what. Obviously I was wrong, because my boyfriend of 6 months and my best friend of 8 years have stuck by me more than my family ever has.
It's fucked up.

So that's pretty much all of the drama fest at my house. I guess I should try to get some sleep... as much as you can when it's 16 degrees outside. Today continues the drama saga... stay tuned.

Confessions?

Well. I don't really have much that's important to say. I am a lazy piece of shit. As usual.

Yesterday I applied for one job, and found out that they have open interviews on Tuesday.. So I go Tuesday at 2. Hoping that it turns into something.
My weight fucking sucks. I was back at 146, but then somehow I fucked it all up. My goal for this month was supposed to be 138. But unless I straight out starve until Christmas, there's no way I will make it. I haven't had a bm recently either, so I know that's part of the reason that my weight is up... But it still doesn't take away the anxiety.
I'm gonna take a bunch of laxatives today and weigh in the morning, and then tomorrow I am going to take laxatives as well and hopefully my weight will go back down.
I have really started to suck at fasting. I need to get back on track.

Since I haven't cut in a long time, I think that's why I was holding in that anger so much and taking it out on my boyfriend and my family. So yesterday, while my boyfriend wasn't around, I found a blade. I made a few shallow cuts on my hip, and then on my other hip I burned. Immediately I felt better. It's still lasted today, and I have actually been able to be decent to my family.
However, my boyfriend still doesn't know. I won't be telling him either, and I am intending to do whatever necessary to hide it. I don't want him to stop me, not now that I know it helps me not to be so hostile to my family.... there is no stopping me.

Another thing that I have no interest in doing is spending Christmas with my family. I know that you are supposed to, and I know that it will raise a lot of hell if I don't go. But I can't. It isn't even Christmas yet and I am starting to panic. Because I still don't have a job, and everyone else will be trying to give me gifts. I can't give them back, and it is fucking killing my mental state. So somehow I am going to get out of that, and though I know I shouldn't, this will be the first year that I haven't spent Christmas with my family.
There's always time for firsts, right?

My boyfriend doesn't see that I am heading down a dark path. I haven't seen substantial weight loss in the longest time.... and right now I am really fighting the urge to get a hold of meth again... simply because I can lose weight on it.
I don't even give a fuck about the damage that I would be doing to my body. None of it matters anymore.
I am going to go so far down, and my body will look on the outside how I feel on the inside.
No more of this half assedness. I am in full swing now, on par with my ED. I am giving it control, and no longer fighting for it. Nothing else matters.

And... that's where my crazy stops. Merry Christmas!

What Is It Worth?

I never feel like I have enough time. But how can someone have "enough" time? What is time?
Sometimes I feel like I can't even grasp the concept of time.
Most of the time I can't hardly realize when a day has ended or when it just beginning, because my days are one. I stay up past midnight and sleep when the world gets to be too much... and the days just blur together.

But there is no limit telling me when things have to be done.
When I should accomplish certain goals by.
There is no limit unless it's one that I personally impose.

So why do I feel like I am running out of time to go to school?
Why do I feel like every relationship I have in my life is on a time schedule that will eventually expire?
Why is it hard to feel the time passing, and know that with ever hour that I refuse food my body is getting smaller?
Why is it so hard to grasp these things?

Logically, I know the answers to these questions.
But I have grown tired of logic.
I want to feel these things happening.
I want to feel like I am accomplishing something by skipping dinner, and breakfast, and most of lunch.
I want to feel like there is a reason to my madness, and not that I am just wasting my life.

We base everything in our lives around time. Even I do it myself. But what if there was no time beyond the sun rising and setting? Would it only create more chaos in an already chaotic world, or would it slow everything down and let me take an actual breath for once. To breathe just to breathe, rather than knowing that I can take a breath now, but only for that moment. Because then after that one moment of peace, it's back to the chaos that is trying to "time" everything.

Time is a number, though.
Numbers rule my life.
Waiting for the next three hours until my boyfriend comes home.
Waiting until the sun risies to begin searching again.
Waiting until the sun sets to sleep.

That's all I do. I wait for this or for that. But even when I am technically in motion, it's hard to feel like I am making use of the time that I have versus wasting it.
How would you define wasting time anyways?
Because to one person something might be a waste of time,
but to the next it's all they want to do in that moment.

I can feel the time passing with every new day. With every new month, and soon to be with the new year. But it's nearly impossible to escape this feeling that I am doing nothing with the little time I am allowed to have. What am I accomplishing?
I often wonder if it would be better if you could borrow time. If we could pass off some of our time to someone who doesn't have as much. I would give all of my time to anyone who needed it, because they would definitely have a better use for my time than the nothing that I am using it for.
It's nearly been an entire year since I became an "adult". When you look at the big picture, a year is nothing. But when you break it down and look at just that one year, with all 12 months, it actually turns into a lot of time. So what have I done with that time? Honestly.. nothing important. Nothing that I can remember and feel proud of.
I basically waste my time, all the time.

I waste my time hating the body that I have to drag around until I breathe my last breath.
I waste my time starving, cutting, and abusing my body for what it is because it isn't what I want.
I waste my time thinking about all these numbers that have so much control over my life, when nobody else seems to see it.

But in that moment, it doesn't feel like wasting it. It doesn't feel like I am standing still, going nowhere while the rest of the world around me continues to live and move and breathe.
It doesn't feel like it, but that is exactly how it is. A year is plenty of time to accomplish great things! But when I look back over the last 5 years of my life.... I started to use my time to the best of my ability, but then things got in the way and I just... stopped.
I stopped moving forward, I stopped caring, and I started moving backwards.
I stopped trying to reach a goal, and instead threw caution and logic to the wind and simply started existing.

So I guess my question is, what is it worth, this "time" that we are all so obsessed with?
It is worth it to live by the rules of time that we have come to know, or would it be better to live without thinking about time. Without it being a constant element in our lives?
And even, what would life be like without living by a clock? By preset time schedules and plans?

Just some random thoughts. Xx

You're No Good For Me

This morning, before I even had a chance to wake up, my grandma had words to say.
When I left to run some errands, it took until my boyfriend had to go to work. I went back outside to say goodbye and as soon as I stepped in the front door, she mentioned calling someone about going back to school.

It isn't good enough for her. It never is.
I received another rejection email today for a job... They don't want to hire me either.
My grandma thinks it has to do with my attitude, but it doesn't. No matter how upset I am at home, I still try to go in there with a smile and make them see the best side of me I have to offer. But it's not good enough.

I tried explaining to my grandma that I have so much to deal with right now, and it's pretty fucking overwhelming. She doesn't understand. I feel like she ALWAYS has to shit on my parade. When my boyfriend got paid yesterday, we paid of half of one of the two loans we had. Now we only owe about $270 instead of $460. I was excited about that, until my grandma said that I wasn't giving enough effort to other things in my life and made it seem like nothing.
Today, I went to buy a vape pen, so that my boyfriend and I could stop smoking cigarettes - another positive step. But my grandma didn't see that. She only said how she doesn't like vape pens and that if I wanted to quit I should just use Nicorette gum because it doesn't cost "So much money". Again, no excitement that I am actually trying to quit cigarettes. Only negativity.

It's impossible to be happy around her. I try not to, actually.
She started in with the threats again today that if I can't find a job then she is gonna have to kick me out. Not that it matters that I have been putting in applications, and that I had interviews, and that I might just get straight out fucking discouraged for all the rejection that I have been through.

I haven't cut in a long time, almost 5 months. However, today was the exception to that. I wasn't able to control myself, and fight the desire to self harm. So I burned. If I hadn't of fought so much with my grandma, I think I would have been able to avoid it. But fighting with her was a trigger, it still is.

My boyfriend thinks that I am a child. He gets really angry with me when I am a bitch to my grandma, but I mean... He needs to love me for everything I am. Not to mention the fact that my family already doesn't like him. My dad is convinced that A is stealing money from him, and I can only defend him so much.  I have defended him, but what it really comes down to... is that if he is willing to do dirty things to people who deserve it, then where is the line drawn? I may not be able to admit to my wrongs right now, but if he can wrong someone else, what is to stop him from doing it to me? I understand where my dad is coming from, but I don't want to give him up. I need him... because if I had to do all of this alone, I would seriously lose my shit.
But am I willing to turn a blind eye to the carnage, in the name of love?
Am I willing to pretend I don't see it, to keep what I want without letting go?
Yes.
I know I will get hurt. I know it. But I can't break up with him. I need him. I love him. Somehow this all has to work out. Somehow we have to be okay.

I am trying to fight my depression, and not let it drag me under. I don't think my grandma understands depression, in that it isn't like being sad. It's a crippling version of that. Where I can't think straight. Where I can't find reasons to eat, to remember to breathe.
I have to fight with my ED. So that I can starve slowly, and maybe slow the inevitable death that is coming for me. I have to fight myself, because I am as much a part of my ED as it is a disease.
She doesn't know about it though, and I know there is no way in hell that I am going to out myself in that way to my family. That's something they just can't know about, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. That it isn't a struggle.
I am trying to pay off these loans so that they are no longer a weight on my back. So that I don't have obligations to pay a certain amount of money to certain people at certain times of the month. But my grandparents wouldn't be able to understand why I took the loans out in the first place, and why I did what I did. They would only consider it another mistake and say that if I wasn't with A I would never have done that. They would blame him, and it isn't fair to leave all that to him. So is it really too wrong for me to want to right these things before I jump back into school?
That would just add more stress, and as it is I feel like I am mentally fragile. I feel like I can't handle all of this, but I don't know how to rely on anyone else.


Should I even be with my boyfriend? Does he deserve someone better? Maybe I am too young for him, and maybe I am wasting his time. Maybe he should find someone better, but I am selfish enough to keep him around, even if it isn't the best thing for us both.
I'm afraid that something will happen in my relationship and I will end up on my own again. I don't want to be on my own, as pathetic as that is. It is just a little bit easier to have my boyfriend there, someone who loves me despite all of the things that I hate about myself. He brings me sunshine when I don't think I have any, and I couldn't imagine him being taken away from me. But somehow, he will be.

Eventually, all of my inadequacy will catch up to me and he will realize what he could be doing rather than being with me.... and he will go.
Oh god, how I fear that day.

Anyways, I am not sure how much sense this makes.... I guess it's just to go take a shit ton of laxatives, go smoke my vape pen and maybe a bowl, and sleep. I don't deserve the rest of today.

High Way To Hell

I'm not sure how sleeping is gonna go. What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going?

I drank too much liquid, and though I know it's liquid and I have already taken laxies... mentally I am panicking..
I'm fat. Fatty Mc Fat Ass. I feel like I can't breathe easy.
I need to cut. I need to know that this isn't all in my head. I need to feel as fucked up on the outside as I am on the inside.

I don't belong in this bed.
I don't deserve these pillows, this blanket.
I don't deserve be full.
I miss the cuts that used to cover my arms.
Burning just doesn't cut it.
Hah.
That's punny.

I am a failure for being fat. For eating, when it wasn't necessary. I want to take all the laxatives I have. I wish I had sleeping pills.
I kind of feel like I did when I was on Meth. Jittery, full, and numb.
As terrible as I know it is, I miss it. I wish I could go back to doing it. I was never addicted. It never had a chance to effect me negatively. But it had a lot of upsides. I miss not sleeping. I miss not feeling hungry. Not having to panic at the thought of digesting food. I will probably burn in hell for this. But I just don't care. I have yet to find a similar drug, and as much as I don't like drugs, I liked that one.

Will I ever go back?

Mmm

Another day, come and gone.
My second interview went okay... now I just have to wait to hear from someone. I hope it goes well.

I ate too much today. Way too much. But I took laxies. So I guess I wait and see, and do more damage control tomorrow if necessary. I will NOT start fucking December up already.

I managed to fall back asleep for a little bit longer this morning, after I smoked a bowl. But I am still tired and ready for bed and it's barely 9pm. Taking laxatives takes it's toll on me with the nausea. I guess I need to rebuild my tolerance to them.

My boyfriend got sent home from work today, and he's called in a few other days as well. I'm starting to worry that we won't have enough money at the end of the week to be okay.
We HAVE to pay a $360 loan, in full.
He needs to pay a $450 ticket so he can avoid jail.
I need to balance out my bank account and keep it that way.
Is it all possible?
We were gonna buy an e-cig so we could save money and quit smoking cigarettes. These things all seem necessary, but I have to remind myself that it can't all happen at once, especially since I still don't have a job. We aren't even sure how much his check is gonna be, and he needs gas get to work until the next paycheck.

It's all so overwhelming. The urge to self harm and the self harm thoughts are becoming more frequent. They flash through my head at least 20 times a day. But I have to keep it in check.
I have to remember to breathe.

These laxies should kick in about 2am, so maybe I should try to get some sleep. *sigh*

No Title

Insomnia really sucks.
I went to bed around 11, after taking laxatives. I slept for a little less than 5 hours, waking up at 4am. My body says it's tired, but my mind isn't.

My first job interview went alright, in my opinion. I go to the second one today. I can't even explain why I need a job so bad. I just do.

I briefly talked to my mom yesterday. I guess she is accusing me and my bf of stealing $500 from her bank account. Which is total bs but okay... her parting words to me were "You're dead to me, bitch." Which.... that shouldn't really bother me. But it does. My mom said it, and so has my dad in a sense. If both my parents, the two people who made me, hate me, then how terrible of a person could I be?
I tried not to let it hurt, but I cried for a while, feeling more pain than I should have. I know I can't let it go... it plays on repeat in my mind. I hate me, too.

November didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. I ended up only being 1.8 lbs away from my goal. But to meet my December goal I would have to lose about 11 lbs. Guess I will see how possible that is. Wish me luck.

I guess I have one thing that came out of this that isn't totally shitty. Knowing my mom hates me as much as I hate me has given me motivation to starve. I will be skinnier than she ever was.