One Big FAILURE

I was doing SO well today. God, I was doing so well. My intake had been NOTHING, and I was strong.
Then I came home, and I was told that I had to join the family for dinner. *que panic attack*.
I am 1 lb away from my goal for October. Fuck me.
So.... I fucked it up. I ate a little pasta that had some type of sauce on it, and a little bit of a hamburger.
The damage?
500 cals.

500 mother fucking calories that I DID NOT NEED. I took laxies after, but I failed. I am so mad at myself right now. Unbelievably mad, because I was SO CLOSE and I fucked it up.

I'm honestly doubting that I'll see a good number on the scale tomorrow. The only good number is 1 lb down. Fuck, I'll probably gain.
I am so mad. Livid.
I walked a lot today, but I doubt I burned 500 cals. Probably more like 200.
So that puts my net at like 300.

I find it so funny that I resisted pizza, cake, cookies, chips, popcorn, soda, and everything..... Just to eat PASTA. Ugh.

So... Fuck it. I took the laxies, and now I'm going to bed. I guess all I can do is pray for a lower number tomorrow morning. I'm not hoping though, because I don't deserve it. Five-hundred calories of shit. None of it was even remotely healthy, and I shouldn't have eaten.

Leave it to me to fuck myself over. I ALWAYS do. Why? Because I'm worthless.
I do not deserve food. Food is earned.
I guess I can only wait for the numbers to tell me..

Happy Halloween, Everyone.

Not For Me!

In my classes today, being that it's Halloween, all I've done is party. There's been scary movies, tons of junk food, and crazy costumes.
We watched Hannibal Lector, and I can proudly say that I haven't eaten any junk food.
I'm so close to meeting my goal, and I can and will do it. I've been sitting next to cake, chips, cookes, desserts, popcorn, and so much shit for 2 hours. I have 1 more hour to go.
Empty is strong. I will succeed at this. I am strong.

Intake!

Here's my Intake for 10/30

Breakfast:
1 slice of banana bread = 200 cals**

Lunch:
Diet Dr. Pepper = 0 cals

Dinner:
Diet Dr. Pepper = 0 cals

Total Cals = 200
Exercise = -183
Net Cals = 17 cals

I'm sorry. I know I said that I would be fasting today. But after I took laxies this morning, I waited for them to work, and they didn't. They just made me feel more bloated. After I ate, they worked and I felt empty again.

It's now 7:30pm and I just got home. Which means I have 2 choices. I can take more laxies and wait until the morning to weigh, or I can weigh now and pray for the best. Or do both.
I'll probably do both, just because I can't handle not knowing. But I'll only post my weight tomorrow morning. Wish me luck? Xx

Reality Check?

November is right around the corner, and it's coming whether I want it to or not. There is no stopping, there is only powering through until I reach the end.

I got a reality check today, because everything that I've been trying to block out hit me today, and there is no more denying it. No matter how much I might want to.

There are 104 days until I turn 18.
There are 204 days until I graduate from High School.
There are 296 days until I go to college.
There are less than 30 days to get accepted into a college, which I haven't applied to yet.
There are less than 30 days to figure my future after high school out.

Where am I going to go to school?
Where am I going to live?
What am I going to go to college for? Where?
Where am I going to get a job at?
Will I even graduate High School?


Right now, everything about my future is up in the air. I used to think that I knew everything for certain. But now I just don't know anymore. So many things have changed, and so quickly too. I've barely had time to actually think about it and understand it. My future is a bit dependent on how the rest of this semester goes, because every moment affects the future. I can't just say that I'll figure it out when I get there, because I don't want to get there and then not have a backup plan if needed.

I don't do well with spontaneous decisions because I don't like not knowing how things are going to go. I don't like not having goals to work towards. I've been trying to feel like I haven't failed myself, but it's hard. It's hard not to feel like I'm letting people down, or giving up.

Today has been a reality check for me, but I'm not sure if it's a good one or not. It's just left me with a lot of anxiety, fear, and panic. I don't want to think about any of it, but I know I have to. I just wish I knew where to go from here.

YOLO anyone?

Today has been kind of long, but it feels like most days can't go fast enough. I don't know what I'm rushing towards, or what I'm running away from.

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose,
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused.

I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate,
and say what I don't mean.

I'm rushing towards something, because I want it to be the future. I want to have graduated, to have gotten into college, to know what I want to study, to be doing well, to graduate college, any many more. I want to figure out my niche in life, and I want it to be with someone I love. I want the future. What could be. But I want to run away from the future, from the possibility of failure. The possibility of uncertainty, of not planning. Of missing out on everything.

Ultimately I know that all of my decisions are my choice and whatever happens is my fault... But I'm scared of doing something I'll regret, because you don't usually get second chances. Not in life. Not in this life anyways.

I keep reminding myself to live in the moment, and sometimes I can. But most times I catch myself looking toward the future, or looking at the past. So far, I haven't done anything that I really regret doing, but that doesn't mean that I want something I regret doing. I understand the whole "learning from your mistakes" concept, and "live in the moment" but I just don't want to fuck everything up. Which I have a tendency of doing, if you haven't noticed.

I don't even know what my point is here. This is all just a bunch of bullshit, but it's at least a small part of the chaos inside of my head.

No Way!

I weighed in first thing this morning and I did not like what I saw. I am so so close and I don't have time to screw around if I want to meet my goal for October.
So the verdict? I gained .2 lbs. It's not much, but it's still a gain, and it's still not okay.
So here's my plan for today. I'm eating NOTHING. I'm water fasting and doing everything I can to lose weight during the day, and I'll re-weigh myself once I'm home again.

The way Octobers has gone, I never expected to meet my goal. I'm so so close though, and I'm determined to lose the weight and meet it.
I will not be defined by my current weight. I will lose it.

So... There you have it. My luck has ended, at least for now. We'll see what I can do about it today.

My Intake

My intake for the day actually managed to be lower than it was yesterday.

So here was my intake for 10/29

Breakfast:
1 banana = 90 cals

Wait for it.......

That's it. That is what I 've had up until now, as it is 6:30pm for me. So very perfect. I feel good. A little dizzy maybe, but so so good.

Then dinner came around. -____- I really hate dinner. They wanted to have burritos (which I don't have the exact cals for, which sucks!!)

My exercise total for the day is 183 cals. Which is NOTHING and I am so disappointed in myself for that. If you subtract the 90 cals I had in that stupid banana, I would have been negative 93 calories. Which isn't bad, if that were to be all I ate.

But I'm going to estimate this burrito (the burrito has eggs, cheese, sausage, and potatoes in it) around 350 - 400 calories. I only ate half of it... which makes my net calories for the day 107.

I guess I can live with that. I really hope to see a loss tomorrow, and to avoid binging for the rest of the night. I'm pretty happy with the way things are going, and I don't want them to change.

Everything Good Always Ends

I woke up this morning to another 2 lb loss. I was stoked, but eventually reality set in. What if it doesn't stay this weight? What if this is just temporary, or just a fluke?
What if this isn't real?

My intake has been low today too, which I am thankful for. But it's only 5pm here, so I've got about 5 more hours to go.

I've got a lot of homework to do, and I've got a 77%, an 80%, and a 65%. So technically, I'm far from the grades I need to be at. I seriously need to get my shit together. I need to start doing these things.
Maybe I'll be able to use homework as an excuse for not eating dinner tonight. I hope so, though with my dad that usually doesn't fly. He tries to make me eat as much as he can - I think he wants to keep me fat. Well fuck that, I'm gonna be skinny.

But I do have a lot of things to study for.
I have the end of the semester coming up, in less than 3 weeks and therefore I need to have all my assignments turned in. I've got 3 tests to take between now and the end of this week. It's crazy, and I have to do well on all of them. I've got some college essays to write, which is stupid because I'm not even thinking about college right now. I have so many other things on my mind. But thinking about it brings anxiety about my future and my relationships. That's a place I don't want to go.

There's a lot of pressure on me, and I just don't want it. I don't want to be the center of attention. I mean, I don't want to be noticed. I haven't told my dad yet about wanting to change college plans. I can't. Not after I heard the awe and the "I'm a proud parent" tone he got when talking about it. It's my choice, I know... But I've never heard him sound proud of me. I've never had him tell me he was proud of me, except maybe once. It's just... I don't want to make that go away. Yeah, I know it's stupid. Whatever.

Gotta Keep Going!

So I weighed myself this morning. I was a bit nervous because I felt bloated and I felt really disgusting, but I had to know.
I tend not to drink a lot of water, except when I force myself too - and usually it leads to bloating and being disgusting.

So I took a deep breath, stepped on the scale and looked down. The verdict? -2 lbs, again. I honestly don't know how I'm doing it, because I'm neither eating or exercising that much. Maybe that's the trick though it hasn't ever worked this way before. Either way, I'm not complaining.

So having lost the 4 lbs I have in the last week or so, I have 2.4 lbs left to lose to reach my goal for October. I have 3 days to do it. Think I can do it?
I sure hope so.

In other news, this morning as I was riding the bus to school, I did something quite stupid and embarrassing. At the time, I wanted to cry because I was embarrassed, but now I think it's kind of funny.
So as I was getting off the bus, there's a part of the sidewalk where the 2 squares meet. They weren't even, and I didn't realize how I had stepped until I had. I fell face planted and what do you know? There were about 4 or 5 other people waiting at that bus stop. They all saw it. The bus driver saw it. People on the bus saw it. People asked me if I was okay, and I told them I was and walked quickly away.
Long story short, I skinned my knees pretty badly and tore holes in both knees of my jeans. I had to call someone to bring me a pair of sweatpants that I could change into because I ripped my pants. And now, almost 3 hours later, I'm laughing with all of you who probably are too. xD
That's my exciting news for the day. At first I thought that today was going to be shitty, despite that I had lost 2 lbs. But actually, today isn't going too badly. I hope I don't jinx myself with that.

Yesterday I spoke too soon when I said I had no homework. Turns out that in 1 week I have a midterm type thing for a class. I only found out yesterday, so I've got a lot of studying to do. Especially since I am dropping that class after this semester, that means that whatever grade I end this semester with, will be my final grade for that class. Guess I better start trying harder. Aaaannnd....... It's back to studying!

Food and exercise are going well for me right now, as you can see. Even today, though it's only 11am, I'm doing well. I don't want to speak too soon though, so I'll post my intake later tonight.
Now it's off to eat something for breakfast, and head to my last class of the day (though it's about 3 hours long). Sometimes, I wonder what the point of school is. But most days, because I like what I'm studying, it goes quickly. I still can't wait to graduate, or to be 18 though! xD

Intake!

My intake today was great!
When I weighed this morning I had lost 2 lbs, and I did well today too.

Breakfast:
1/3 of a Mini-Cinni Cinnimon roll = 80 cals

Lunch:
Cherry Pepsi = 160

Dinner:
1/2 of a Hug juice drink = 50 cals?

Total: 290 calories

Exercise:
45 mins of walking = 300 cals
Dormant Exercise = 50 cals

Net: -60 cals

So in reality, I really hope to see another loss tomorrow. Walking felt great, as did the low intake. I took about 6 laxies earlier though because I got anxiety about my breakfast this morning... Even though it was only 80 cals.

I'm gonna be heading to bed soon, so that I can skip the actual family dinner. We're having chicken (in some type of sauce) and noodles. All calories in which I don't need.
I'm strong on 300 calories, but I would probably be better on 200. Empty is strong.

Monday's Aren't All Bad!

Despite the food I ate yesterday, and my lack of exercise, I've lost 2 lbs since yesterday. I'm hesitant to get excited about it because I don't know if it'll stay, but I was stoked!

School isn't going too badly either. I've caught up on most of my assignments, and right now I don't think I have too much to study for. Come December/January though, that's when the studying begins. Finals, tests, colleges, all of it. So I'm going to enjoy my relaxing time while I can. ^_^

It's getting colder here, and I love it! Hoodies, layers, cold crisp mornings, being dark. I get up at 5:30 in the morning most days, and it's dark. It doesn't acually start getting lighter until about 8:30am. There's something about darkness that is calming to me, and I love it. Winter really is the best season!
Now I'm off to do some more exercise and study for a bit.

The Power of Persuasion

I had intended to fast today, and I was doing so well. But my aunt and her friend wanted to go to the mountains, so I agreed. I hadn't know that there was food involved.
So... I had 3 bites of a rib, 1 bite of baked beans, 1 piece of white bread, 4 bites of chicken, Dr. Pepper, Coke, and 270 cals of popcorn. So... I'd estimate my final intake to be around 800. I took about 4 laxies after all of that though, so hopefully it won't make me gain too much.
In terms of exercise, I haven't done a lot today. /: I walked a little bit - but it probably didn't even burn 100 cals. I feel disgusting, and I wish I could purge.
But I'll just work it off tonight instead of sleeping - punishment for eating food I didn't deserve.

I weighed myself after I got home, despite the fact that I had eaten. I had to know - to know that my weight would be lower than what it was today.

There are 4 days left in October, and I haven't met my goal. So that means I have roughly 12 lbs to lose next month - no fuck ups allowed.
I just have to remember my motivation. I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. The prize being that I will be skinny, beautiful, and strong. ^_^
I'll start posting my weights on the 1st of November. I think. I'm not sure if I want to - for stupid reasons. But it isn't like anyone reads this - and it is for me.

With the weather getting colder, oppertunity to exercise gets smaller and smaller. Which I hate. But I'll get used to it.

Sometimes I hate that my weight controls my life - but sometimes I also love the feeling of power and control that I have. Strength.
"If it were easy, everyone would do it."
Just have to remember it.

I've also made a deal with myself. I won't persue my dreams for after my graduation until I weigh 110 lbs. 110 skinny, beautiful pounds. That should also be more motivation - how much do I want it?

I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Wish me luck? I'm definitely going to need it. Xxx

Happiness

When you least expect it to.
I had a good time last night, I'll admit. The Halloween party was pretty chill, but the people there were pretty cool.
I had french fries though, and a bit of alcohol. So 240 + 400? I guessed on the alcohol because I couldn't find exact nutritional information. It's killing me though. Ugh.

But today is a new day and I have to start fresh. I'm still fat. I still feel like giving up hope. Giving in. But I can't.

So my plan for today is - no food. I'm going for a run later, and taking laxies. I will not be this way forever. I just won't.
So let's do this! (:

I'm sorry..

I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have gone anywhere. I bother everyone.
I take up space that I am undeserving of having in the first place.
I don't know what's happening tonight and it doesn't really matter. I'm a waste of space anyways.
I wish I could fold in on myself until I just disappear.
I don't know what to do anymore.

...

I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.
I'm supposed to go to a Halloween party tonight but I'm not sure I want to go. I've got a ton of anxiety about it. I don't want anyone to look at me... Because I'm fat.
I am trying hard not to feel resentment towards a friend of mine for what she is - because I know her as a person and she's awesome! So I shouldn't let trivial things get to me.
Easier said than done.

I'm trying to have better days, but it doesn't feel like I am. It feels like I'm just covering everything up, changing nothing.

I didn't post yesterdays intake, officially anyways. Let me just say - it sucked. It was rediculous. It was punishment.
But today is a new day.

I don't even know if I want to try anymore. It feels like I just want to shut down. Stop thinking. Stop caring. Stop trying. Do nothing. Why not?
I'm not sure how to fight anymore. But I keep wishing, keep hoping. Natural instinct, I guess.
But I want to disappear... Forever. From everyone.

I wish today was over.
I went up to my mom's... Because she wanted to hang out. I thought it'd be cool.
Fuck no. We went driving and she yelled at me and was freaking out. She made comments about my weight, she told me I broke her car and legit blamed me for it. I tried to just brush it off, but it's hard. It was like pressure building and finally I just let the tears flow because I couldn't hold them back anymore. I was *pissed*...

It just hasn't been a good day here.

Maybe I shouldn't do anything this weekend. Maybe I should just go back home before it's too late.

I'm tired of people lying to me, too. I mean is it really that hard to be honest? It pisses me off because I try my hardest to be honest with everyone and I feel like therefore people should be honest with me.

But whatever. Fuck everyone. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. Just leave me the fuck alone.

As Always.

I feel so uncomfortable in my skin today..
To put it lightly.
I just want to hide.
I want to wear baggy clothes and lay in bed all day and not go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anyone, or breathe. I don't want to be.
I weighed myself last night, and it was bad. *cue breakdown* I don't think I'll be able to post it here on Monday... That's not enough time to get it down.
So as a result of weighing myself because of my anxiety, I had a mini - binge. I know I was doing so well yesterday, but I deserved it.
Food is a punishment to me. Sort of.

So today, despite my plan, I'm not eating anything. I don't deserve it.

I was gone for almost an entire week with my aunt - I didn't want to be home. Now this weekend I'm supposed to get my tattoo, and another friend of mine wants to hang out for Halloween.
I'm nervous for both. I don't think I should be seen by anyone. Not until I'm skinny.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I had a discussion about my ED. He wanted to understand, but I was unsure how to make him understand. Is it even possible to understand?
I know he doesn't think that I have an ED. I mean, look at me. Look at my lifestyle. Do I seem disordered? Do I seem like there's anything wrong?
No. He must think I'm such a liar.
I know that ED's aren't about weight, and that they're mental. But I need to see it before I can believe it.

Remember K? Probably not. But I told her once, right before she stopped being friends with me. Now, I can't even look at her without feeling like I have something to prove - just as I do with my boyfriend.
It's stupid, but it is how it is, I guess. I don't think it will change.
Whatever. I'm done. I don't want to play head games anymore. It's time to slink back into bed and hide from the world.

Day 1?

It was a success!
I stayed below 500 and I can honestly say I'm happy with what I had today.
Here's my intake for today.

Breakfast:
1 cup of coffee
Calories: 250

Lunch:
1 can of Dr. Pepper
Calories: 150

Dinner:
Nothing.

Total: 400 calories
Exercise: - 100 calories
Net: 300 calories

So, for having a goal of 500 for the day and ending at 300, I'm pretty happy!
If I keep to my low cals, I *have* to see a loss on the scale by Monday.

I am strong. I am in control.
Empty is pure. Empty is strong. <3

It's On and Crackin'!

It's 12am exactly here.
A new day, a new start.

Today is 500. That's my goal, anyways.
Empty is strong.
And I'm tired of letting myself down.
I'm tired of stepping on my scale day after day to get a number I don't like.

I will do this. I am strong. I am in control. Ana is my friend.

This week has really gone by fast, for me. I don't feel like it should be Thursday. I feel like it should still be the beginning of the week. But I guess it's good that it's the weekend, almost. Today is my last full day in school, because Friday's are really easy for me. I don't have school. But I don't have anything else to do either.
Last week I was supposed to get a tattoo, but there was a change in plans. Well, now, almost a week later, I still want that tattoo. Hopefully I will be able to get it this weekend. I'm excited. And terrified. It's going to say "Just keep swimmin'" across the back of my neck. It's a tattoo I've wanted for a while, and a prelude to my 18th birthday tattoo. That's the one I'm *really* excited for. But I can't get that one until I'm 18. Soon enough!

I also have a later start than any other day, so I'm somewhat happy for that.

Today will not be a failure.
Success starts with believing. I will succeed. I will succeed.
Empty is strong. Empty is pure.

So here I go!

Fallback Plan

I need a plan. Something to follow that I can use as a fallback, something secure that I can still lose weight on.
I've thought about it a lot. I just hope that I can do it.
So here's my plan? Don't like it? Deal with it.
I also know that tomorrow is Thursday, so I'll be starting on an odd date.

Sunday: Liquid fasting. Period.
Monday: 400 calories
Tuesday: 300 calories
Wednesday: 400 calories
Thursday: 500 calories
Friday 800 calories
Saturday: 600 calories

In terms of exercise, I will go for one 20 minute walk a day between my schools, one 30 minute walk after school, and I'll go for runs as much as possible. I chose Friday and Saturday as my highest days calorie-wise because they're usually when I don't have much to keep me preoccupied and also when I'm most likely to get forced into a family dinner.

I'm also going to record what I eat, so as to discourage me from binging and hopefully keep me on track.
I'm not sure about tracking my weight and whatnot during this, but I guess I'll figure that out as I go. I'm recording my starting weight (for this challenge) on Monday. Until then, I shall follow the plan (and may modify it as I go) to try to lose as much weight as I can by Monday. I haven't stepped on the scale in about 2 days. It's killing me, but I am terrified of it. It gives me a lot of anxiety.

I really hope this works. It should allow me a bit more freedom in what I eat while I'm stressing about school (so I don't have to stress about food too) but it is also low enough in calories that I don't feel too much anxiety about it. For about a few weeks now (for the most part) I've been keeping my calorie intake at about 300 or less on good days. 600 on rough days. Not the best, but I still don't want to weigh myself.

So I start tomorrow. Wish me luck - I'm gonna need it.

I'm Throwing My Hands In The Air

There's no point in fighting
When you don't know what you're fighting for.
I'm fighting a losing battle, and I can't seem to fight anymore. I don't give a flying fuck about my health or my general wellbeing. I don't care about safety, what's 'wrong' or 'right' or who I hurt in the process. I will take myself down. Destroy myself.
In the worst ways I know how.

Fuck It.

You are disgusting. You are irresponsible and you never think ahead to anything. You don't try hard enough, but even if you did it would never be enough.
What do you think everyone is saying about you? Freak. Bitch. Ugly. Worthless. Emo.
You know it's all true too. You are stupid.
You suck. You're never going to make anything of your life because you don't do anything that's worthwhile. You're just a waste of space.


Ana is loud in my head today. But I'm joining in with Ana, too. Beating myself down. Destroying myself.
I hate myself so much..

Relaxing Sunday!!

I've barely been home all weekend. I stop by there to drop things off or grab some things, but I haven't actually been there.

I've been sick - so that's part of it. I don't want to get my dad and my roommates sick and therefore don't want to be at home. But it feels crazy to say that.

I am feeling better, other than a stuffy nose and a rediculous cough. But I can deal with those!
I don't know what I want to do today. There's a Law & Order: SVU marathon on today, and I'm stoked. I'm so obsessed with that show.... And I'm carving pumpkins today too! I haven't done that in so long... I'll post a picture of how it turns out.

Otherwise there's really nothing much going on today - still relaxing. And I've got homework to do, but not too much.

So there you have it! My boring, uneventful day. xD

Everywhere.

I'm so fat.
I can't stand it.
Things keep happening that prove that I am as fat as I think I am, and I just can't take it anymore.
I want to cut. A lot. I want to starve, to hurt. I hate myself with so much anger and hate that I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to pretend to be okay while I die slowly inside. I don't want to wear a mask anymore and lie to everyone around me.
I won't LET anyone be around me. I'm a monster now. I hurt those around me.

I'm So Sick...

I feel like dying at the moment. I'm so sick, and I can't manage to do anything except lay around or sleep.
People frustrate me when I'm sick, and I just want to be alone.
I supposed to have plans this weekend, but I'm feeling so absolutely shitty that I don't feel like going anywhere.

The only plus side to being sick is that I don't have an appetite. We went out to dinner and I drank some soda but didn't eat anything. I wasn't even tempted because I'm not hungry.

I'm enjoying my weekend for the most part. On Sunday I have homework to do, but I hope by then I'm feeling better.

No weight to report - I'm so bloated and I feel disgusting so I've not weighed myself for a few days now. At least because I know I'm fasting, I know that I can't gain weight.

That's all my head is filled with these days... And I'm sorry. To everyone who has to listen to me talk about it. Weight. Food. Fasting. Calories. Fat. Exercise.
I feel like that's all I'm capable of right now.

I'm Sick.

I just got sick today, and it sucks. I've got most of the symptoms of a cold (coughing, fever, stuffy nose) but it's like worse than that almost. I've been taking ibuprofen and trying to get better.

Yesterday was a crazy day.. Like... honestly.
My ride to school broke down, I left my bus pass at home, I cuddled in pee from my aunts girlfriends sister who was drunk, I missed school, I helped ruin a couch, I learned how to drive, I did doughnuts in the parking lot, I almost got hit by a car, etc. It was just crazy.

But the good parts of that are that I got to learn how to drive more, I learned that I get to get a tattoo (^________^) I got to tow a car, and I had fun.

As for the tattoo, yes! I'm going to get it tomorrow. I'll have to post a picture here when I get it done, because I'm working on it. I still have to design it. I'm super nervous about getting it though, for several reasons. But right now, I seriously have to get some shut eye for school in the morning. I dislike school..... But at least it's Friday!!

Really? Now?

Go figure. The one night I have off that I actually try to get some sleep.... I can't sleep.
Seriously?! What bad karma is this? What did I do?!
Ugh, It's 2am, and I don't have to be away until 7. That's some bullshit that I can't sleep! /:

Is Anyone Still Out There?

I don't even know where to start. I guess I owe anyone still reading this a proper update.

School: Currently I am not doing too well, or at least I wasn't. I kind of pushed school out of the picture. I had a research proposal due in one of my classes. I wrote it, and then it got deleted. I was willing to pay someone to write it for me, because it was literally the difference between passing and failing that class - but both of the people I asked backed out. So I came to the conclusion that it would be better if I dropped out of school instead of not graduating with my class. But I talked to some people and we figured out that I'm dropping that class at the end of the semester (so at the end of December). Knowing that, and knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about the paper, took a huge load off my shoulders. Instead of that class next semester, I'll have about 6 classes to finish getting all the credits I need to graduate. I'm not worried though, I know I can do that. Otherwise, I've just been trying to keep up on school and do the best I can.

Food: Has been shitty. I have absolutely nothing redeeming to say about it. I've not lost any weight since the beginning of October, and it's fucking horrible. But I'm changing that. Now. Today was a really good restricting day - and I hope that I can keep it up. I was going to do the Skinny Girl Diet with a friend, but it doesn't feel like a good time to do it right now. I'll do that for November, even with Thanksgiving. I will not plateau any longer.

Everything else: Is chaotic. I have SAT and ACT's to study for, which I take both of them in January. I have colleges to apply to on Friday, which has me stressing out. Since I decided to drop the other class I was taking, I don't know what I want to study in Uni anymore. So as a result, I no longer have any idea where I want to apply to school. Ugh.

But I'm thinking of going to a community college first, to get my basics out of the way, and then taking a few classes that I'm interested in to hopefully find something I want to do for the rest of my life. The only problem? My all or nothing view. I pinned everything I had on Forensic Science, and now that I'm not taking it anymore, I don't know what interests me. I don't know where to apply to, or what to go to college for. That has got me in a sort of panic, but I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and breathe. I can do this. I will make something of my life.

My boyfriend is starting to doubt that I will be able to stay with him in the future, and to be honest, I don't know if I can guarantee that it will happen either. I don't want to stay tied down to one place, but I am happy with him. I guess I just have to see how it works out - and trust that it will all work out go with it.

That's pretty much all that's been up with me, other than trying to stay afloat. To not get lost in the large sea of life. I know I told people that I took this down... but now that it's back up, I guess nobody wants to read it. Or it doesn't seem like it anyways. I will admit, I miss people reading my blog - I miss all the amazing people I had met because of it. But there isn't much I can do about that, other than just be. Oh well. (:

Nonsense

I couldn't be farther from my goal for October than when I started. It's October 13th and I've made zero progress toward my goal.
When I'm around someone who is skinnier than me, or someone with the same ED as me - things go really well. I feel strong and in control. But when I'm on my own, things change. I become more destructive towards myself in a reckless way.

I wish I had an Ana friend here. I mean, someone I could talk to physically. Because sometimes that's just what you need.
I have to make my goal. I have to. Failure is not an option in this, but I also know that my all or nothing attitude just pushes me downward. Something has got to give.
Either I figure my shit out and start losing this weight, or my ED is going to kill me. Now, don't mistake that as a death threat - because it isn't.
I just feel lost. I don't know where to go or what to do. I need something to change, but I don't know what to change or what I even WANT to change. I only know that things absolutely CANNOT stay this way. They just can't.

Just Another Fuck Up

Food is my enemy.
It always will be - I can not imagine ever not hating it.
I started the Skinny Girl Diet today with a friend, mostly because it's basically restricting. Today was 400 and I totally fucked it up because my dad and S wanted to go to dinner. I ate as little as I can... But the damage is done.
The aftershock? That's only just beginning.
I could do so much to myself right now with the thoughts running through my head.
Anger. Because why the fuck should they be able to control what I eat?
Fear. Because I don't want to be fat and because I don't know the exact amount of calories I had today.
Shame. Because I fucked up. I always fuck up.
Hatred. For not being able to control my life, and everything else.
Disgust. Because I look fucking pregnant because I'm so fat. I hide under hoodies and stuff so other people can't see me. But that doesn't change the fact that *I* see me. I know how fat I am. How worthless.
I'm disgusting and I hate it. I hate me.

When Do You Say When?

How much can one person take?
When is it finally okay to say "enough"?
To back out?
When is the breaking point?
The point where everything just... Stops?
All the pain, the hatred, everything.
When?

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

All I seem to have time for is workworkwork. Schoolwork, chores, helping my roommate out ( I have a part time job with her), etc. I don't have any time to breathe, to sleep, to hang out. I just don't.
One of my friends wants to hang out, and has been asking to hang out for the last week and a half. But I'm just like sorry! I don't have time - and it makes me feel like an asshole.
I can't help it though. I wish I had time. I need this school year to be over, but I don't want it to at the same time. I don't think it will slow down either, because this is my final year to do it all. I don't really mind, but it's hard to make other people understand. Unless you've been in this situation it's hard to understand.

^ whatever. I don't even know if that makes sense, but you know! I'm me. (:

I Don't Know

Words are nothing.
Actions speak louder than words, but are they true?
I don't know who I can trust anymore, if anyone. I don't feel like I have the capacity to be close to anyone. Like I can stay there and be comfortable. I don't know what's true and what's lies - so what is trust?
I hate it sometimes how I am. How I feel guilty for existing. I shouldn't have to - but I do. I don't know how to feel any other way...

I feel a bit lost now.

The last thing I wrote about here was the fact that I was going to drop my class at WT. Which I am.
I've also been thinking a lot. Does the fact that I'm dropping Forensics mean that I don't even want to do that anymore? What about college?
Then I got to thinking... If I can't do that, what then, interests me? What will I do? I honestly don't know.
I had pinned my *entire* future on Forensics. Like literally. Everything. I gave myself no other options, no other choices. That was it - and now I feel kind of lost.
Where do I go from here?
Everyone says that it's fine not to know - but I hate that. I get anxiety not knowing what I'm doing and how things are gonna be. Not being able to plan the future. I hate it.
How do you begin to find what you like to do? I mean, I don't really have anything that comes to mind - nor a lot of time to figure it out.
Psychology was *maybe* the other option I had, but I don't know about that one either. I don't think I could do it.
I wish I knew, really. I need to figure it out. Now.

I Can Breathe Again

I talked to a counselor at school, and one at WT too. They both have compromised with me that at the end of the semester I can drop my class there. I can't before then, so I've got to wait until December. Then, for 2nd semester, I will take roughly 6 classes at my school - only that is something I *can* do. So I'm happy.
He also told me that even if I failed this semester that I would still be able to graduate. Which takes a *huge* load off of my shoulders.
Although I will say, knowing that I am going to get out of that class at the end of the semester makes me less stressed because I don't feel like I have to write the research paper, do the science fair project, or do the other science competition. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Probably bad. But it's taken a lot off of my shoulders, and I can breathe again. Just knowing that this won't completely destroy me.

Otherwise, today has been a really good day. (: I have homework to do tonight, but I also have a late start tomorrow so I will hopefully be able to get some sleep tonight. I plan on cleanung my room, relocating some stuff, and just breathing for a little bit. I need some time to myself.
I'm stoked that there is only 2 more days of the week left and then the WEEKEND!!! I don't know what I'm gonna do or why I'm excited, but I am. It feels like this week has gone by kinda fast. There's been down points, but I'm going to try to keep looking forward. Tomorrow is a new day.

I can't....

I wish I was dead.

On The Outside Looking In

Right now I'm sitting in a car with my dad and my two roommates.
They're joking about memories with my brother when he was a little kid. All the things he did.
My dad is joking about memories from when he was a kid. They're all laughing.
I just feel on the outside of it all.
Yes, I know it's my fault that I'm outside of it all instead of joining in. But I just don't feel like I'm a part of my family.

They're happy, carefree and laughing. Who would I be to ruin that?
I can't. I won't let my darkness touch them.

I've never known my dad as a kid. He's never shared memories with me, or mentioned his childhood. My grandparents talk about it, sometimes. But he never does. So I guess it makes me a little mad to know that she can unlock the happiness in him but I only bring out the anger and the hatred.
Who is the man I know as my dad? I mean, really?

I Want Out.

I don't want to talk to anyone today. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to live. I don't want to exist.
I have homework to do, and a lot of it. But I don't want to do any of it. People want to hang out, they want me to be social. I don't want to.
I'm tired of fighting everything. My weight. I'm tired of going in circles.
I'm tired of needing people, when it feels like nobody is there. I'm tired of not being able to relax, or breathe, or be okay.
Everything anyone says to me is taken in a bad way. I hate this.
I hate myself.

Just Keep Swimmin'!

Fat. Fatfatfat.
That's all I see anymore.
I fasted today, after taking laxies. I weighed myself and it was no lower than it was before. Ugh. So I took more laxies and I hope for a loss tomorrow... I NEED one.
No food for me. I WILL reach my goal for October.
I got a new hoodie today, and it was awesome. It's soft on the inside and it's big. Comfy. It hides me, which is all that matters.
I'm happy. For the most part. I guess we'll see how long it lasts.
I'm pushing all the hurt and all the worry away for a little. At least a day. I need a break.
Just Keep Swimmin', I guess. (:

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

I was fasting so well yesterday. I thought I might have been able to actually lose some weight.
But then my roommate told me my dad was home and that we were all going out to dinner. I tried to eat as little as I could, but I probably ended around 1500. No joke. I cried when I got home.
I also took 12 laxatives, so I know where I'll be today.
This morning, I woke up at 6 instead of 5:30 because I thought my dad was going to drop me off at the bus stop - it takes roughly 15 minutes to walk there. But he didn't wake up and I have a thing about waking other people up, especially when I need something. I tried, and I got a panic attack.
So I missed school today because I only had 2 hours of school and there is no point in going so far to only be there for 30 minutes.
But that means that I'll get a phone call with my grandma near tears because I'm "ruining my potential" and she "just wants me to do well" and "doesn't know what's going on with me"...
I mean, my grades aren't bad. I've got a B and a C, I think. My forensics class is only an F because of movie questions I missed. But I've yet to be able to obtain the movie - so I can't even do them if I wanted.

It just frustrates me because I don't want this. I want to do well. I want to make myself happy, not regret the rest of my life.

I was also supposed to go to my mom's today too. But after what she said last week, about how I depend on *everyone* I don't know if I want to..
I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. But with my dad home now I don't want to be here.

I want to change things... But how?

Continuing to destroy everything...

Continuing to destroy everything...

Welp.

Today has cost me an arm, a leg, and my sleep. Literally.
It's cost me freedom, but I don't care about that.
How did I go from having an amazing day, perfect starvation, to nothing? Failure?
I really need to fight harder.

I Want It Out

I want to destroy everything.

My life.

My relationships.

My love.

My belongings.

My future.

School.

I just want to destroy everything.

Destroy myself. 

Don't You Ever Say I Just Walked Away I Will Alway...

Don't You Ever Say I Just Walked Away I Will Always Want You...

Art Anyone?

I've got a lot of art that's been sent to me over the years. Some of it is amazing, and I wish I could keep it. But I have nothing to do with it or anywhere to put it.
I thought of getting rid of it, but that thought is painful. It's close to my heart... And I don't know what to do with it. I need to find someone who appreciates art... And is willing to take and care well for it. It sounds so stupid but I just can't throw it away. It's... No. I just can't.

Hah.

I needed that.
Thanks.