So... I lost another 1.2 lbs since this morning.
And I wasn't going to eat anymore since my run, but then dinner came around. I ate way more than I should have. But it wasn't technically a binge. I took a bunch of laxatives to counteract it and I'll go back to restricting tomorrow.
I'm not sure why my body is losing weight *now*, but I'm not complaining. I've gotta keep going.

Woo!

I got home from WT today like 5 minutes before my roommates got home. As I was leaving they pulled up and my roommate stopped me. She looked at me for a second and then said "Have you weighed yourself lately?" I told her that I hadn't although I do every day. She replied "You've lost weight recently." and it was everything I could do to keep a straight face. I just thanked her and continued on my way to the track for my run.

I was so stoked that she said that. It means that my weight loss is starting to show. I love this. I just have to keep going.

Hard Work Pays Off

At the beginning of September I had 6 lbs to lose to reach my goal. I got down to only having one pound to lose to meet my goal... And then I went to Amsterdam.
When I got back, I had gained about 5 lbs and kept gaining, until I was back to where I started. I was disgusting.

But I worked hard and I starved and I reached my goal. In fact, I'm .4 lbs below it - and working on my next goal.
I feel proud of that. I'm in control. Food DOES NOT control me.

School Always Stresses Me Out

Whenever I'm in school I can never seem to just breathe and not stress out.
I got as much work done last week as I could so that I could enjoy my weekend - and I only had my Research Proposal and an Essay to write. But today in school, when I realized that I hadn't done them, I got a panic attack.
I started freaking out and stressing. I always do this to myself.

I guess I need to figure out my priorities and place things accordingly.

Just Fuck Off!

In one of my earlier posts, I wrote about how much it bothers me that I rely on so many people. Well, my mom decided to point that out. How if I didn't have my dad and her and my friends, I would have nothing. Then she compared me to my brother because after he moved out, he basically couch hopped. He had to continuously borrow from other people. So she compared me to him and that's where I draw the line. I am not like he was then. I will NEVER be that kind of person.

I'm done with people. For at least a little while. I just need to be on my own. That's safe. Nobody can make me feel bad. Just me and a list of things to do. Calories to burn.

Little Miss NOT Independent

I don't even know how to write what's going through my head right now.
Maybe being a burden. Causing people trouble. Making them go out of their way for me.
It's such a simple statement usually, but it has such an impact on me. Like it's a hassle when anyone has to do something for me.
That's why I don't ask for many things. Or I try not to.
But it never fails that I need someone else. For a ride, for advice, for support, for anything.
I'm tried of feeling this way. I'm 17, and I'll be 18 in 5 months. I should be independent by now. I should be able to do things on my own.
But I can't do certain things on my own, and it destroys me inside.

Staying Strong

I've been taking some "caffeine" pills for about a week or so now. They're supposed to be fat burners, but they have about 200 mg of caffeine in them per capsule.
I like how they make me feel when I haven't eaten. I feel light and jittery. I shake a little, but I'll take that if it means losing weight.
I haven't weighed myself yet since I've started fasting, but I *have* to have lost weight. For my own piece of mind.
I'm not sure how things will be when I get home, because I've got a lot of stuff to do.
It seems like I can stay strong with fasting and restricting below 200 as long as I stay busy.
If I stop moving, I start eating. But the first two days are always the hardest. If I can fast successfully today, then tomorrow should be a lot easier.
I kind of want to weigh myself now, but I feel like the number wouldn't be accurate because it's not my scale. That doesn't make *any* sense at all, but nothing in my head seems to make any sense anymore.

In Control

For the first time ever, I feel like I'm actually doing things as they should be done. I actually feel like I'm worth something amid my destructive habits.
I don't know what the hell kind of logic that is, but I feel like I'm actually in control.
I wonder how long this will last. If it's even permanent or if it's just a temporary thing.
But I've got to stay in control. It feels good. I'm actually getting somewhere, and I never want to stop. That number *will* go down.

Just Breathe

Things are just... Up and down for me.
I'm finding it almost impossible to trust anyone really.
I'm finding it impossible to eat anything. No matter what it is.
I feel like there really isn't anyone to rely on right now. I feel like I'm alone.
My friends wedding is stressing me out. School. My dad getting home on Tuesday. Cimiron. Just a lot of things.
Round and round in my head. It never stops.
Cutting is my release. So is starving.
I've fasted easily all day, just because I've been around my friend. She's such motivation. But she wants me to stop cutting.
*I* don't want to stop cutting though. There's something freeing about making the pain inside real. Knowing it's there. There's something about the pain, physically that is calming.
How could I give up the one thing that's kept me sane? Even if it's self destructive and dangerous. I just... Can't.
But I'm done talking about it to people. Nobody really understands me. They don't understand why I do what I do.

I'm cold all the time now. I've been wearing at least two hoodies for the last 2 days. Even when it's like 70 degrees out. Aside from the fact that my arms are covered in cuts that I need to hide, I'm just rediculously cold. It never ends and no matter how much I move I can't seem to be warm. It burns good calories though.

I'm addicted to drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. It's no better for you than any other soda, but I can't stop drinking it. That and water are about the only things I can stand to drink anymore.
For the first time in my life, I'm embracing my ability to hide things. Or not really hide them, but I don't *make* them known. It's kind of nice.
But I can't stop thinking about my relationship with Cimiron and how this is going to affect it. I told him that I didn't have an ED, that I had stopped cutting. I thought I was, but I'm embracing it more than ever. I don't even know if "embracing" is the right word. But I'm not fighting it. I have a goal, and I'm going to reach it. No matter *what* it takes.

No.

I am so confused right now..
I want to trust him... But I don't want to trust.
I don't want to open up, for fear of being hurt again.
He can help me... But I do not believe that I am worthy of help. I don't believe that I want it, either.
I want to tell him everything, but I don't want to have it held over my head.
A large part of me does not want to trust him, does not like him, doesn't feel like I'm worth his time. But a small part of me wants to act on a whim and trust him. If no one else, him.
I can't seem to identiry the exact reason I feel that way, so I just shove it past. Once this year is over, I will no longer be tempted to trust him.
I will be free - on my own. Nothing and nobody can hurt me after that. I just need to stay strong and keep the prison gates inside of me locked.
I need to keep myself safe.

Hah.

I'm destroying myself - and I love it.

...

My days have pretty much been filled with work, work, work.
I mean, I make some free time, every now and then. But I can't really afford it. Two days ago I cried in front of F, then ran out of his office. I had to face him today, though breifly. Tomorrow I am supposed to spend some time with him filling out applications for college.
I'm scared. Like, rediculously scared. To just face him. I don't trust myself.

My eating has been really up and down, but I'm hoping to have lost when I weigh myself later.
I can't seem to keep any promises, and nothing I ever do seems to be enough.
But I'm trying.
Today is my last day of trying.

What's The Point?

Yesterday at WarrenTech wasn't as bad as I expected. I never finished the proposal, though I will tonight.
I cried in front of F yesterday, then ran out of his office. I also managed to give myself a 4x4inch bruise.
After that, I calmed down a bit, and then had to do a lot of running on a bus yesterday.
Last night I didn't manage to do any homework or anythingreally, which was a bummer. But I'll do it tonight.

I'm ready to throw the towel in. To give up. To say ENOUGH.
Nobody understands where I'm coming from. Nobody understands what this means. Or what goes on inside my head. Nobody understands.
But I've had enough. Enough of this war, or this pain, of everything.
I've had enough.

I'm freaking out. Today should not be a day where I'm allowed in school.
I think I'm going to throw up.

On a Monday Nonetheless

I'm scared to go to school.
I never thought I would have to worry about that, but I do now. I didn't write or even research my topic yet. I don't know why I didn't. Or actually, I do.
Fear.
I was scared that I wouldn't do it right, that my project would be shit, that I had other stuff I needed to do.
But I'm on the bus now.. And with every second that I get closer to school, I get sicker and sicker. Nauseous.
I'm shaking and I'm panicing and I don't know how to stop.
I might go talk to F about working during both of my school periods. But if he says no or that he wouldn't excuse me, I'm ditching. I need time!

I know..

Today was supposed to be a study day, a day where I catch up on my homework. But fuck!
One of my friends wanted to chill, and I want to chill. I've got to go home first anyways (girl issues) and then I was gonna come back and work on homework. But it looks like I only have until 12. It's 9:30am now. I can't do homework on the bus, too bumpy.
Shit! I will figure this out. Actually, I will be up laaaate tonight. Great start to a Monday!

I'm Content

For once in my life, I'm content with the way my life is. Sort of. I'm always striving for change, to get to a lower weight, to do better in school, striving for the future.
But I mean, I'm no longer rejecting where I'm at right now. My blog - well. I don't mind that it's private. I don't mind that nobody can read it. It's like my own personal diary, for just me. Where nobody can find it.
I know it's stupid, but I feel like it's accomplishing what I needed it to, so I'm happy.
Though what that means for Cimiron and I, I don't know..
I only how how much farther I have to go. I will get there.
Maybe I am already on my way. (:

Rambling..

I use people.
That's what I do. I manipulate and use the people around me. I'm selfish.
I just realized a few things. What I realized is along the lines of how I really depend on those around me. Without them, I wouldn't be anything. I would be nothing.

Not Enough Time

I feel like theres so much to do and no time to do it. Schoolwork, colleges, getting a job, money, day-to-day stuff. Like there's too much.
I don't even have time to keep up with Blogger, but I try. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. It's a little bit of an outlet for me. That's why I can't stop writing.
I'm so stressed though. That is all I know how to be, really. I don't know how to relax and not be worrying about something. I need time. More time.
But maybe this is what I needed.

I Ruin Everything

I saw my transcript today...
Not only am I missing credits, my GPA is absolute fucking shit.
Unweighted it's a 2.8 but weighted it's only a 3.1... That's barely even fucking a 3.0!! My Freshman year I had a 4.0. I'm so fucking stupid. And I'm livid.
I'm NEVER going to get into college with that GPA. I've let myself down. I am not even able to get it back up. I've ruined everything and I fucking hate myself.
I guess I have to go talk to F again on Monday and figure out how I am to catch up on my classes. But I am just so disappointed in myself..

An Update

I finally have nothing hanging over my head. At least for Forensics. I've still got English stuff to catch up on, but that will be done tonight, and then I have a Pre-Calc test on Friday. But on Friday, I only have an hours worth of classes... So it's like an early weekend! ^-^
I had a late start today at 8:30... But I don't mind. (; I'm feeling pretty good today. It's a leftover feeling from yesterday - From finishing an entire lab in 3 hours.
Outside of school... Things are okay I guess. Internally they suck, but externally they're not as bad.
S wants to break up with my dad because of something he did. While I understand what he did, it's just who he is. But I think she is giving up too easily. She has changed him. She IS changing him. Some habits are harder to break than others, but she is good for him.. And I think she doesn't see it.
If they break up, he's going to at least partially blame me for it. He is going to think that the fight we had about how I don't like S played a part in their break up.
He partially blames my brother and I for the failure of his second marriage. Because we were so difficult to deal with and made things hard for her. Which I don't understand, but I don't care much either. It just sucks.
As much as I have issues with my dad... I do want him to be happy. For whatever reason, S makes him happy.

Aside from that! Well, there isn't a lot going on in my life right now.
I'm questioning my choice in Forensics, mostly because of self doubt. I'm trying to figure out how to at least put my faith in that, if nothing else. She threatened to kick me out of her class if I missed even one more day. So I have to make it a point to try harder.
Yesterday I got a D on movie questions... Because there were so many and I missed a few. So as of right now, I'm failing her class. The 6 week grade cards go out next week... I'm scared. I have like 2 F's right now. Not good. :( But I'm trying.. So hopefully I can get them up really fast.. I guess we'll see.

Can The Heart Change?

I don't want to do Forensics anymore. I don't want to be a scientist, or anything like that.
I want to do something that helps people. Like... Psychology maybe. That was my other choice in career but everyone told me that was not a logical choice. That Psych was hard to make a major out of.

I can't tell anyone this because they paid for my class here. They paid for it and not me and therefore I can't just drop out. I can't just change my mind. I have to do this...

I went and talked to F about setting up a donation thing at my school for the NEDA walk in October. As soon as I stepped into his office I started shaking and I couldn't breathe and I freaked out. I've been denying it since last May.. The first time I walked into his office.
I feel connected to him in a way. From the first time I walked in there and started talking to him, and I asked support... He made me feel like he really heard me. Like he was listening, and that he just wanted to help. I'm still smarting over the fact that I feel betrayed based on last May, but nevertheless.
I think it's just that I want to be protected. He made me feel like he could help me and protect me from myself. I don't have any right to ask for help or protection.. Or trust. But I don't know where to go from here... So I'll just keep denying.

Let's try... Again.

Today is a new start. Fresh.
I can be pure. Empty.
I can accomplish anything.
So, no food or liquid (other than water) is allowed to pass my lips. I am strong.
I am in control.

Stop!

Just stop. I need everything to stop.
I've been missing too much school. Doing a few too many things I shouldn't.
Food is out of control. I am out of control. School is out of control.
Just stop!
Tomorrow, I am going to eat nothing. Drink nothing. I am going to prove to myself once and for all that I am not a waste of space.
I am going to fight for what I want, day by day. I am going to get it.
It is not too late to turn September around. It is not too late to reach my UGW.
If I stop the uncontrollable eating, then everything else will go right. It's all up to me.
I am going to take 2 half hour walks a day. At least. One in the morning before school and one after school. I will not fail myself again.
Fuck my roommates. Fuck being cautious. I am going to do this.
This is the last chance I am giving myself. It's this or.. Nothing. But I will prove my self worth. By food. I can and I WILL do this.
My goal for now is 4 lbs by the end of the week. So... Saturday. 4 lbs in 4 days? I can do it. I think.

Gonna Be Kicked Out...

Of school.
Yep.
The teachers of one of my classes is threatening to kick me out of class because I've missed so much school. Essentially, I have only missed 7 days of school. But she said that 1 WT day = 3 of my normal school days. So I've missed 21 school days at WT and she said that I was so close.
I have to say.... this is a new thing for me, because I've always been the perfect student, and getting kicked out of class has never been an option for me. Guess things are changing.

WhatTheFuckEver.

I feel like there's a lot of emotion inside of me.. And I can't express any of it.
I'm reaching that point again... I just need out.

Only To Come..

I worked on school work for most of the day... But I barely managed to accomplish anything. Now I have another week's worth of work to catch up on, and I'll be even more behind.
I can't even do the reading required for AP Lit. I don't deserve to be in that class. I've got an F because of a paragraph I missed while I was gone - on a book I cannot comprehend. I've read the section we were assigned 3 or 4 times already... And I cannot for the life of me understand it. Just thinking about it is giving me a throbbing headache right above my right eye.
ReleaseReleaseRelease.
That is what I am craving.
Pain. Punishment, for the F.
Tomorrow the call will come. It always does. Excuses will be said, promises made to be more perfect.
Maybe I can etch perfection into my skin, scar it there. A permanent mark to forever remind me of what I am not.
I will not sleep tonight. Of that I am sure. I can feel the nightmares wating in the shadows, panic attacks hidden beneath the covers. Chills wait around ever dim-lit corner, and I know that only I am to blame.
Me. Mememe. Always me. What a selfish creature I am, indeed.

I Saw It Coming

One of the only two people I trusted with everything just left.. Just left out of nowhere... And may have told my secrets.. Foolish was I to believe. To trust.
The other shall too soon leave. I know that now. Or.. I think I knew all along but paraded myself into false believing. Believing I had a chance.
This is a familiar pain. One I know how to deal with. I will simply move on, no harm done. Really, I should say Fuck You to aforementioned person. But I am stronger than that.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

I Hate You..

Leave me the fuck alone!!
You are not in my head. You do not have to feel what I feel and you should thank god that you don't.
You do not live in the mental hell that I do, and you will NEVER understand what makes me do what I do. Stop insulting me and thinking that I do what I do for attention. Stop making everything worse, stop talking to me, stop pretending like everything is okay, and stop telling me I'm just like you.
Just leave me alone.. Please..

...

I feel so cold. So heartless. So uncaring. Dark. Destructive. Disasterous.
I am trying to be unfeeling, but that is a bit more difficult. I want to be numb again. I need to be numb again. I need to be skinny. Beautiful. I need to be perfect.
Too much feeling is dangerous, and too much qualifes as just about anything. Maybe I can freeze into numb from the outside in, and when it finally reaches my heart, that's when the fun begins. No more hurting. No more thinking. Just.. Empty. Empty is good. Out of focus. But I can get through anything if I'm numb. I'm invincible if I'm numb. Strong.
So let it begin.

Trust

Is but a 5 letter word.
Something that maybe people once valued, maybe. But now, it's just letters stuck together to make a word.
Meaningless.
People can swear up and down that they hold value in such a simple word, but when it comes down to it, I've yet to see it manifest into anything.
Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I trust the wrong kind of people. So maybe I shouldn't trust at all. Because it's my fault, you see.
I tell the wrong kind of people the wrong things and then I'm fucked. But that's alright. I think I've finally understood what I refused to believe all this time.
I think I finally get it.
I think I'm finally right.
Hah. Who would've thought?
Trust is but a five letter word.

Falling Into The Darkness

I'm a little bit surprised at the things in my room that seem so normal to me, but to everyone else wouldn't be.
They've been there for about 2 years now, and nobody has noticed. It wouldn't surprise me if they did notice, because they don't care.
I mean, over 2 years I've had so many things that scream "Wrong!". But they go unnoticed, and for that I think I am the slightest bit grateful. I used to want people to notice, want to be saved from myself, want to heal. But now, I've more or less accepted this as my life. I'm comfortable with my internal hell. In sync with it for once. I've finally started running in the direction of hell, and I refuse to go back.

They're Everywhere

*Warning: Rant*

I don't know what it is, but lately everything seems to be triggering to me in some way. The way my pants fit, the full feeling I have, being with my mom, being on my own, the shower, food, etc. Everything, literally is a trigger to me.

I am aware of my physical imposition on space, and my lack of trust in people. But excuse me, I think I have a right to be wary of trusting anyone. I've been burned a few too many times. With that being said, I guess I need to go through my shit again. It doesn't seem I even have safe space in my own room anymore. Well if that's how it is, then that's how it is. I come first. Space comes second. I've only got 5 more months before I don't have to hide as much anymore, and then 3 more after that before I can move out. Believe me, I will.

There is not enough time to do everything that needs to be done. I've been up since 6am this morning, but I was puking and sick. So I didn't really get going until about 10, and I spent most of the day with my mom. Sometimes it's nice being with her, but she often does/says things that put me off or make me feel like shit. Granted, she doesn't even know she is doing them, or maybe she does. I mean, most of them are kind of obvious. But still. My roommates and my dad are still acting like everything is fine and dandy and that nothing ever happened before I went to Amsterdam. That's okay, I can hate them in silence. Words are nothing, when it comes to them. No hesitation. CJ says some sharp-pointed things now and then, but I don't dare say anything. It's all in how I take them, and I just need to let them go. It's hard writing about him here, because I know that he reads this blog and I worry about what he will think/say to what I write here. But this blog is for me, and if he wants to read it, he can.

Things have been downhill lately. That's all they ever are, anymore. Blackness. Desperation. Guilt. Those three are what I feel the most. And pressure. Always pressure. Things that need to be done, time that is every racing forward. I need more time. I need a break. Going to Amsterdam was a stupid idea, and part of me wishes I hadn't gone. Yes, it was amazing and beautiful and the concert was everything I had hoped for, but I still don't think it was worth all the stress that I have from school. Assignments, all due on Monday. Tests to prepare for, projects to worry about. I cannot think about my Science Fair Project without having a panic attack and wanting to reach for a release. It's impossible, and with every day that passes by, I know I am that much farther behind.

Nightmares keep me from sleeping in peace at night, but I feel like I deserve them. Everything I feel is a result of hatred, anger, guilt, sadness, and a little bit crazy. But I'm accepting that this is going to be my life. I don't want to change, and I don't want to stop. This is my life, and this is who I am now. Mistake me not, I am not complaining or looking for attention. I am simply stating a fact. I'm stating what I believe to be true, and I am embracing it and continuing to go ever lower in weight. Continuing to stretch for that ever-elusive perfection that I know I can someday reach. I just have to be stronger, smarter, skinnier. I will do it. I know I can. I'm refusing to give up.

**Amsterdam pictures are still to come, as soon as I get a proper chance and a few minutes to sit down with my computer. Until then, most all posts will be from my mobile, so I apologize for any mistakes.**

Nothing New

Everyone makes me feel unwanted..

Change Is A New Beginning

The other day I got a message and had to go in for a meeting at my school. The counselor (F, who I talked to last year) told me that one of my 'friends' had mentioned that I was depressed and that I was going to overdose on "Tylenol and Advil." Now, aside from the fact that you can't die from OD'ing on Tylenol, the only place I've ever mentioned that was on my blog. He also mentioned some other things that led me to believe that someone has discovered my blog.
So... I changed it. I hope it will help protect me, as I refuse to just outright take my blog down. But if any of you were wondering why it changed, there you have it! (;
In the end, I think I managed to convince him that I wasn't depressed, and that I wasn't suicidal. So hopefully that is the end of that.

Jump Right Back Into Stress

Today is my first day back at school since my vacation, and it's been hectic.
When I got the work for the rest of my classes (excusing Forensic Science), it wasn't a lot. I had to read a book, and write an intro for that book. I had a worksheet to do, and I had to prepare for an in-class discussion tomorrow. I had maybe 6 or 7 math assignments to complete, but those don't seem that they will be too hard. I was most worried about Forensic Science, because we do labs. She does a lab a day, basically. I missed a lot there, and unfortunately that is stuff that I have to come in to make up. The only problem with that is that she works at the North Campus (where I study) and the Central Campus so she travels a lot. She doesn't really have any free time for me to make up the labs, except for maybe a half hour before class starts. So I hope that I can start making them up.

I'm stressing because I have a Science Fair project that is a huge thing for Forensics. She said it was worth 60% of our grade, and she is expecting a college level paper, and I am freaking out. It's so bad that every time I start to think about it, all I want to do is sleep, or cut, or smoke weed so I don't have to stress, or distract myself so I don't have to think about it. But I know that I can't do that. I don't know where to go for that, because I need help and guidance but I'm freaking out too much to actually do anything. So I'm working on everything else and avoiding that. Ugh. I hate it.

I don't know if I'm just really emotionally unstable since before I left for vacation or not. But this morning I got a quiz back that I had taken before I left, and I got an 80% on it. I only missed 2 problems, which is why I got such a low grade. Yes, that is a low grade to me. I had to stop myself from freaking out, or crying. I had to remind myself that I could do it better. That it wasn't the end of the world. I need straight A's. That is my goal for this year.
But I have colleges to apply to, essays to write for college, a job to get, a future to plan. I have to keep everything hidden, and not let anyone know that my ED and self harm are consuming my life. I don't know how to stop it from consuming my life... It just is.
My depression always gets worse when school starts back up again, because I feel such a need to be perfect. Such a need to be the best. This is how it is for me.

I'm trying to cope, but only time will tell how good of a job I am really doing.

Misery Loves Company

Lately I've been feeling lost. Down.
Amsterdam was both good and bad. I've thought about this since I got back.. I'm not going to be posting here about the negative side of Amsterdam, but instead I will let you all see the bright side. (;

Everything in Amsterdam was built around canals. They went through alleyways, under bridges, and they were beautiful. At night they would light them up with small lights and in the sunset, it was simply breathtaking. I'm writing this when I don't exactly have access to all the pictures that I took, so I will post those in a separate post, probably explaining what everything is.

The flight from Denver to Detroit was 2 1/2 hours long, and then the flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was 6 1/2. I thought that would be the longest flight on a plane I've ever taken, but I was wrong. On the way back, we flew from Amsterdam to New York City, and then back to Denver. The flight to NYC was 8 hours, and the flight from NYC to Denver was 3 hours. I am so sick of airports, planes, and air that I just want to stay on the ground forever. Soon my wanderlust will kick back in again. (;

We got to take a ride on the canals and they basically gave us a tour of the part of the city we were staying in. They told us things like where Anne Frank memorial thing was, when things were built, things like that. I don't remember everything, though. We took the train to get into central Amsterdam, and that is the first time in my life I have ever taken a train. It was pretty neat, to have that experience. I have some weird obsession with different forms of travelling in foreign countries. To get around in the city, we also took trams. That was pretty neat too, something about it just made me happy. Haha. Strange much?

Our 6 days there were pretty chill. We didn't do a whole lot, but we did enough anyways. Everyone there is really centered around weed and porn, in my opinion. Walking down the street, you mostly saw three different types of stores. You would see a shop that sold weed, pipes, peyote, mushrooms, some type of drug or something, you would see a tourist shop, some place that sold food, or a porn shop. But that wasn't all there was, though. We didn't get a chance to go see the Anne Frank Museum, the Van Gogh Museum, or any of the other things like that. My dad isn't big on that sort of thing. We went to a flower garden and explored, and it was so peaceful there. It was very pretty. They have some wicked flowers there that grow naturally, where we don't here.

My dad was there with two of his friends, and his friends' son. They all went out drinking for my dad's birthday and he got really drunk. It was kind of funny to see that side of my dad where he let go. I mean, he wouldn't ever let go like that from what I know of him. He spent a lot of the night and most of the day sleeping, with a massive hangover. He said that he had a good time, and that was nice to see him enjoy himself. I basically slept, because it was easier than thinking and I couldn't really go anywhere.

The concert was amazing!! I was mistaken in whom it was, because I thought it was The Australian Pink Floyd, but it turned out to be Roger Waters. If any of you have ever heard of him, he is amazing. If you haven't, he covered Pink Floyd's album "The Wall". If you have never heard of Pink Floyd, then I suggest that you go look them up, right now! (:
In the beginning of the concert, they had a partial wall built out of Styrofoam bricks behind him, and throughout the concert, they built the wall higher until it was all the way across the stage. They then use the wall to project pictures, trippy graphics, cool videos, and things that made the concert awesome. At the end of the show, they knocked down n the wall in a symbolic gesture. It was amazing, and it has definitely been the best Pink Floyd concert that I've seen. :D I would definitely go again in a heartbeat.

So that is an overview of the best parts of my vacation... I'm sorry that I couldn't post more pictures. I will definitely post them in a different post, so be watching for it! (:

Home Sweet Home

I have made it back from Amsterdam!
In one piece... Well, mostly anyways. (;
I'll hopefully get a chance to post about it soon, but I've got a bit of prioritizing to do first. First on the list was letting all of y'all know that I'm back.
It's about time to hit the hay, as I've spent the entire day (or 15 hours anyways) on planes and in airports. I'm a weee bit tired.
I will catch up on blogs tomorrow if I get a chance. In the meantime, g'nite! Or g'mornin' since it's past midnight here... ^-^

Amsterdam Netherlands

I'm off to Amsterdam!! ^-^
I'm excited but scared at the same time. I will be sure to take lots of pictures, and post them when I get back.
I won't have phone/computer service over there, so I will see you all when I get back in 6 days!

It's On.

I'm leaving for Amsterdam in 13 hours.
What I feel right now?
Anger, panic, fear, excitement, anxiety, anticipation.
No scales. No blades. No laxatives. No release. Just me and my ED.

I signed up to do a walk for the National Eating Disorder Assosiation to raise awareness for Eating Disorders, and I'm so stoked to hopefully be able to do it. I still need people to donate, though.

Right now I want to cut. I want to end everything, and I can't pinpoint why.. There isn't one exact reason. It's a lot of things. But of course when I get this way, it's just best to keep to myself.

Stupiduglyfatworthlessnothingneedydependantattentionseekingwannabebitchstupiduglyfatworthless... It goes on and on and on. Round and round in my head.
I need help. Someone to talk to. I can admit that. Just someone to talk to...

This is impossible... I'm tired of living.. Fuck i...

This is impossible... I'm tired of living.. Fuck it all.

Why is it that every time I am in an okay or good ...

Why is it that every time I am in an okay or good mood, I can never stay that way? I hate this bullshit.

24 Hours And Counting Down!!

Yesterday, when I got home, S and my dad said that they wanted to talk to me. I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, but it turns out I didn't do a good enough job. We talked, and S convinced me that my dad was willing to change things or at least talk to me.
Long story short, I dropped all my walls. I sat in my living room staring at my dad with tears streaming down my face, and he more or less rejected me. Again.
So I ran. I left and I ran and I sat in a park for 2 hours crying because why can't he love me?
I've tried so hard to be perfect for him, and he doesn't love me. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. I was so foolish to drop my walls. I would have been just fine if I hadn't dropped my walls, but I did.

My dad is also playing me with the ticket to Amsterdam. 5 days ago, I wasn't going. Then he said I was, and then we fought and he said no. Then last night I mentioned to him that I was going, and he said he would think about it. So I guess I can't really be sure unless I'm on the plane to Amsterdam, but for now, I guess I'll just hope for the best and start packing.

That's the other thing. I'm sooo procrastinating. I've done my laundry, but I haven't even started packing. I took a shower, curled my hair, sang a few songs, but I haven't started packing. xD

More good news? For once.
I was down 2 lbs last night when I weighed myself, and then this morning when I weighed myself, I was down another lb. Which puts me .8 lbs away from my goal for Sep. I'm still really ashamed of my weight, which is why I'm not saying it directly. But it's always going to be too much. Once I reach a lower weight, I'll start mentioning my actual weight, maybe, Just not now.
I successfully averted myself from a binge, and I feel proud. Now to just keep it that way, and keep driving my weight lower.

I had a bit of an intense talk with CJ last night. I confided a lot of things in him which I am regretting right now. But whatever. To each their own, I guess. My fault. Always my fault. Things are a bit better today, but I'm nervous about leaving tomorrow. Because I am going out of the country, I can't take my blades. I can't take my laxatives, I cant take my scale, and I can't take any weed. So... it should be an interesting vacation. We'll see. Because it's a whole different country, that means a lot of different food.
I am going to eat as little as possible for the week or so that I'm there, and I am going to try to maintain as much as possible. I think that hoping for a loss is a bit too much, so I'll settle for maintaining my new weight. I can do this. I will not let him destroy me. He does not control me. I control me.



This is my favorite picture... Perfect.

Beautiful..

I can, and will, do this.

Update/More Drama

I've barely eaten in the last 2 days. Yesterday my intake was 330 (subway sandwich and half an otter pop) and I burned all of that off. Today has been better in that my intake has been 210 (xing energy tea) and like 100 for coffee this morning and like 50 (I ate 3 small french fries) But all day long I've felt shaky and light headed. But I'm not minding. I took lax too, which should help. I've been staying hydrated too, because of the lax. So I'm hoping to be down in my weight by the time I get home tomorrow.
So much shit has gone down today in terms of my life at home. My dad is reporting me as a runaway, and apparently he's still taking me to Amsterdam.. Well maybe. Depends on what happens when I get home. Maybe I'll get stuck in a psych ward. Maybe I won't. At this point, I don't really know.