Dinner

I took 4 laxies this morning, not planning on eating much. But as always seems to happen when I'm around my family, they're expecting me to eat. I tried to get out of it, but my family is like me - stubborn.

They aren't accepting no as an answer. So I'm intending to eat as little as possible, and take laxies immediately after. I don't want tis food in my stomach.. I want to be blissfully empty again.

So here goes nothing.

Pen Pals?

I was reading Katie's blog, and she mentioned pen pals.

I love this idea.

I would absolutely love to have a pen pal. Someone who I could exchange letters with and get to know. Maybe even exchange other things. ^-^

If anyone would like to do this with me, leave me a comment below or email me at lastdaytolife@gmail.com.

Fading Away

Watch me fade from the view,

From your memory,

As if I never existed.

It's... That time again. War with myself over what people know about me, and the fact that I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. What response am I looking for? I don't even know. The guilt and trapped feeling are just too much. 

Well

There are about three people I'd be willing to talk to right now. Maybe. But the rest of the people in my life, I seriously need them to fuck off.

There's this one kid.. (Warning: May be slightly bitchy)

He texts me every day. Seriously. I NEVER text him back anymore, because its so stupid. I know exactly what he will say, and in what order. It never changes, and I've just grown tired of it. We never say anything worthwhile of saying, so it just seems pointless. He always asks me to hang out, and I've been making up excuses for months now. But still he doesn't take the hint. I try not to be a bitch, but damn. It's fucking hard sometimes.

Most other people don't talk to me. There's a kid in one of my classes who always wants to hang after class. I wish he wouldn't, most of the time. But that isn't fair, because we're supposed to be friends.

Why do I alway have to be the bitch?

My best friend, even. It's hard to be around her right now, and it's all my fault. I'm the reason it's hard.

Why am I finding it so hard to be around people now?

I think somewhere in my mind, I know that if I push everyone away, eventually there won't be anyone left. And once I'm alone, like really and truly alone, and there isn't anyone left to fight for me.. Then I can choose my way out and nobody will miss me.

This is where my heads at today.. And my heart.

I'm a bitch, and I'm sorry.

Laxative Abuse

Well... Yesterday definitely could have been worse.

But again, I'm to fast.

Last night I came across this documentary type video about a girl who had lost over 100 lbs from taking laxies. They were talking about all the damage you do when you take such high amounts of laxies on a regular basis. Katie, you have had side effects from laxies, that I've read about and heard you talk about. I know that all of that should be enough to convince me to stop taking them.. But if anything I don't want to stop. I have a mentality similar to "It won't happen to me" and that's so stupid. It very well could happen to me.

I was just thinking about this because my friend told me yesterday that I need to stop taking so many laxies before I donpeanent damage to myself. But.. When I looked up physical symptoms of laxative abuse, I was already exhibiting two of the signs they talked about.. Though I won't mention them specifically. 

But none of it is enough to make me stop. Maybe it never wil be.. Not unless it kills me.

Restart ):

Let me put this simply. Going home last night, I fucked up. I fucked up really bad..

So I didn't weigh today. I'm fasting today and tomorrow as well, and exercising as much as possibe. 

I just hope it's enough.

Weight Loss!!

So after what I ate yesterday, and the laxies I took last night... The scale read 159.2.

I stepped off of it and stepped on it again, and the same number came up. It's still rediculously fat, but that's a loss. I'm not sure I trust it though.. Because just a few days ago I weighed at least 5 lbs more than that. Could I really be in the 150's??

I'm fasting as much as I can today, and then tomorrow ill weigh myself on a different scale and see. I'll be crushed if a higher number comes up.

It seems like every time I'm here I restrict/fast really well and always seem to lose weight. I love it.

If only I could figure out what makes such a thing possible here, but not at my house.

My next goal is 156. That's what I was supposed to weigh by the end of February. I fucked it up, but maybe there's a slight chance that I can still make it. There is 5 days left in February.

I guess I will know based on what the scale says tomorrow. Do I dare to hope?

Fuck Me, Again

I ate a 280 cal 6" sub from Subway. It's only 280 cals but fuck me. I know for sure now that I'm not gonna lose any weight tomorrow.

My anxiety is so high and I took 8 laxies but fuck. They take time to work and I need them to work NOW. I hate having food in my stomach, but I hate feeling full more.

I am a waste of space. I would say I'm only human, but I'm not worthy of even being called that. I hate myself.

I know that I could have eaten a piece of lettuce and still felt worthless, but I don't care. I AM worthless. I don't deserve food. Food is for the living, and I don't even deserve to live.

I want to cut so badly right now. I hate this.

Pretty Much Everything

It's Saturday, it's 48 degrees outside, and it's beautiful. What am I doing? Laying on a couch, or pacing around her house, listening to music. I don't want to go outside because I'm cold and I know if I do then I'll only get colder and start shaking again. Inside or out, I'm fucking cold. Wearing 2 shirts and 3 hoodies, I'm still fucking cold. I can't seem to get warm no matter what I do, but sometimes I don't mind it..

Shivering burns calories, after all...

I woke up at 7 this morning so I could shower and hop on a bus up North. The last time I ate was at about 6 or 7 last night. So for roughly the last 21 hours, I've fasted.. Perfectly empty. I feel hyper, like I could do anything. I feel high. And when I feel like this, I can't ever imagine eating and getting rid of this feeling. It's perfect.

I hesitate in even the implication that I could have an eating disorder, because I'm still so fat. Everyone swears that I'm not, but they're lying. I mean it's "Socially rude" to tell someone else that they're fat, or even to agree with them if they call themselves fat. The difference between me and everyone else? I know what I am, and they don't.

I hate that I wear so many hoodies all the time and that I have to layer up because I'm cold. It just makes me look fatter. Not that I need any help with that.

I wish I could sit down with my best friend and just tell her what goes on inside my head without the guilt. Tell her when I come so close to reaching for the pills or my knife. But I can't. She's got her own issues to worry about, and I don't want to be one of them. I want to help her, not make her life harder. The same goes for anyone around me. They're all fighting their own battles and I should be helping them win.

I think about my boyfriend at least twice a day. It makes me sad to remember, so I try not to. I wish I could call him and tell him everything, but it would change nothing. What I need most is for him to be here. To wrap me in his arms and just hold me. To kiss away my tears and to tell me I'm beautiful. Or just to even give me a hug. (And to keep me warm..) But he can't, and I couldn't ever tell him that's what I need from him. So I just stay silent and avoid. Like I've been doing for the last month or so..

I don't want to be nothing to someone when they are my everything..

I want someone to care.

I'm actually feeling kind of okay today.. Or at least not as bad. During the day is easiest, when I can shove the thoughts back. Night is hardest, when I can't push them back anymore and they take over. When I'm with people, I try to hide it. Try to appear normal. I wonder if anyone notices.

I'm giving myself 1 week to lose 6 lbs. I know it's not very realistic, but I'm gonna do my best to make it happen, and anything less is just unacceptable. I'm off to a good start though. I'll weigh tomorrow and see where my weight is at and see where I'm headed. Wish me luck.

Fuck!

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck my family. Fuck being human. Fuck life. I'm done.

I don't want you to give a fuck about what I eat. If I want to fucking starve, then I should be able to. If I want to die, let me. But just leave me the fuck alone.

I can't live like this. I can't pretend to be normal. I can't hurt any more people. Not even the ones I love.

I'm done. I want to hide and die. I'm sorry..

Friday Morning

I'm fasting today. No exceptions. I made myself a cup of coffee this morning, and that's all.

Maybe I'll have another cup later, but no solid food. For as long as I can stand to liquid fast, before I pass out.

I sent a friend of mine a picture of how pregnant I looked last night. I still look pregnant... I'm just hidingitbehind three hoodies so I can at least just appear fat and not pregnant. (Finally being warm is nice too!)

That picture though I enough to spoil the desire to eat at all. I'm fucking obese.

So! No food for me.

I shouldn't even be in school today as I don't have my binder and the rest of my school things. I hate being unprepared.. But this is a result of a choice that *I* made. So I have nobody to blame except myself.

I already know that I won't be attending either my AP Lit class or my Forensics class. I know exactly what that'll do to me, but I'm unprepared for them, so I can't go. I can't even bullshit my way though it. I need to get my ass in gear so that I can at least pass with semi-good grades. In 3/5 in my classes, I have C's. granted, they're within 2% of a B. I have one F (AP Lit), and a B. But that is not good enough. This is my last semester of high school, and I have to do better than this.

Anyways, enough of my bitching for now.

Peace.

Nonsense

I'm at the point where I don't want to write anymore. Don't want to breathe. To move. To think. I want to just sit and stare at a wall and not exist.

I don't want to cut because I can never cut deep enough.

I starve, but never well enough.

I don't want to think because my thoughts are repetitive.

I hate muself for not going to the gym today. I hate myself for eating more than just the ramen.

I don't want to speak because I say the same thing over and over again and it's tiresome.

I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes today. I mean, aside from 8, I smoked the rest. And that scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't know what I want anymore. The calm happy/numb feeling I've felt these last few weeks is fading away and all that's left is either anger or numbness.

My best friends mom called me hostile and banned me from her apartment. That's been eating at me too.

Why the fuck does ANYONE even read my posts?

I want to run away. I.. Might. I've been thinking.

I'm scared to sleep because I fear my dreams and I have no weed to help me sleep, dreamless sleep. Eventually I will crash. The body can only go so long without sleep.

I'm trying to find somewhere to stay this weekend so I don't have to be at home. But so far that's looking like where I will end up. Either that or just wandering around.

I should go to the gym, but I should do a lot of things I don't. I only have the pass till Sunday anyways.

Whatever.

This post doesn't even make any sense. I'm buzzing from cutting, loopy from lack of sleep, and feeling slightly suicidal, but I guess I'm doing pretty alright when you compare my life to that of others.

I have nothing to complain about.

Well I Am.

I look back at my old posts.. And all I feel is disgust. I'm a failure.
Whatever the fuck I am, I do not have an eating disorder. I am fat, and I always will be.
I am nothing. Not worth the effort. Stupid.
I am a failure, in anything and everything I do.
I am miniscule compared to others, a speck of dirt on a beautiful painting. Who am I fooling?
I am nothing. I disappoint myself so deeply that I can't even put it into words. But I shouldn't have to. Just look at me and you'll know. You'll see the failure written over every fiber of my being.
I'm pathetic, stupid, and worthless. A failure.
I'm a joke. Want someone to laugh at? Me. I'm a perfect example of what NOT to be. And that's always how it's going to be.
Fuck me. You have no idea.

Escape.

When I'm in school, I plan ways to get out of class early. To leave. I fabricate lies to make others believe. Sometimes I don't even bother going to class. What do I do instead? Nothing. I walk around. Listen to music.

When I'm at home, I'm always planning somewhere to go and something to do. What am I escaping from?

I don't know.

Lies are a natural part of my life. I don't think I know anyone who I haven't lied to about at least something. Big or little.

People shouldn't trust me. Shouldn't be friends with me.

When will I ever stop running? Stop denying the reality I so desperately don't want to live in? What would my life be like if I wasn't constantly looking for an escape? What would I do?

Untitled

I'm starting to stress about school again. These past few weeks, I've been almost happy. But it isn't lasting. I can feel it slipping away despite my want to hold on to it.

I'm slipping back into denial and I don't know anymore. My anxiety has been pretty high lately, and there isn't anything I can do but grin and bear it. I haven't cut in weeks, and I'm not even proud of that. I want to cut so badly, so why haven't I? I wish I knew..

I guess this post is nothing more than a jumble of thoughts that make no sense. Just like me.

Starve The Weight Off

I don't even know what to believe of my weight. It's definitely not 160. So I'm fasting today and hopefully tomorrow and then I will weigh in. I would love to see 160 again. I kind of regret weighing that day because it feels kind of like a tease.

I went to the gym yesterday, but I didn't burn enough so it was a futile attempt. I'm going again today, an tomorrow as well. I will make this count. I won't stop.

I may eat a little bit of protien before I go to the gym so I can stand to burn more without passing out. Wouldn't want other people to get involved.

So hopefully I will see a lower number on the scale. I will NOT have another day like that 'family dinner'. Not worth it, even if I have to fight for it.

I'm back in school today, and I'm kind of tired. I'm happy that I'm able to go to the gym and that I only have 4 days this week, but I'm already looking forward to the weekend. (: Not even sure why. I don't have any plans, but I can sure as hell go to the gym. I only have the pass until Sunday. And then it's back to normal. So I'm gonna enjoy it as much as I can.

Not much else to update on. That's pretty much my life right now.

Predictable

My 'birthday dinner was terrible. Today was terrible.
Tomorrow will not be.
I'm stupid and pathetic, nothing more. I'm disgusting. I think I need to fade away from reality for a long while, and hopefully this feeling goes with it. I want to be empty. I need to be.

Fade To Nothing

I hate feeling Ike an inconvenience. But it seems that's what I'm best at. I try so hard to do things on my own, but there's always a situation when I need something and its always inconvenient. Always.

There's certain things people will do for you because they love or care about you. Then there's the things that make those you love or care about go out of their way for you. I'm always in the latter category.

Whenever I need something from someone, it's always an inconvenience, even if they don't say that. But I know they're thinking it.

They think that their life would be easier without me in it, but it's not like they can say that either. But they think it.

I'm sorry. That's all I can ever say, but they're just words. They don't change anything, don't make it better. I wish I didn't have to ask for things. I wish I could hide myself from everyone and do everything to make their life easier, not harder. But it never works that way.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean it, and I feel immense guilt when I inconvenience others. But eventually those words lose their meaning, and eventually nobody will hear me anymore.

This is why I don't stick around people long enough. I've seen how my relationships with people change from good to terrible. Seen how they hate me a little bit more when I need them, because I'm always an inconvenience. So if I leave before that happens, surely it's for the best, right?

It's written in everything that I am. I'm an inconvenience and a burden to everyone. And since I don't know how to change it, I guess I'll just have to keep moving on.. Never sticking in one place for long. The same goes for friendships and relationships. I guess I can't have lasting ones.

*sigh* I'm sorry.

Freedom and Peace

Freedom is different to everyone, and the value of freedom is different for everyone.

Freedom to me means the ability to make your own choices, without constant worry about the consequences or what others will think. Freedom to be who you are and not be told you can't do something.

I feel free here, where I'm at right now. I can do things without others forcing me to do them differently. I can relax, stop always being on edge, even I it's only for a little while. If I don't want to eat, I don't have to. If I want to, I can. I can say things that I normally wouldn't be able to without fear of judgement. I can breathe, and I don't always have to be looking over my shoulder. I can be me.

This is peace, right here. However short lived,  it's peace. I'm so grateful for that, for the chance. Thank you. (You know who you are.)

D-Day

I didn't sleep well last night.. I kept having nightmares and waking up every hour or so when I did finally manage to sleep. But at 5:30 this morning I finally gave up.

Since then, I've been trying to fight the anxiety. My lunch is supposed to be at 12:30, but I don't know if I can make it back there by then seeing as I spent the night at a friends. Which makes me feel shitty.

I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed 160.6.. Which is 4 lbs down from Friday. That's fucking amazing and I'm hesitant to believe it.. Could it really be?

If anything, that just makes me les inclined to eat. I don't want to gain all the weight back.. I need to keep losing.

The smell of food makes my stomach turn, and just gives me more anxiety. I've been pacing around in circles trying to calm down.

4 hours until I eat. I still haven't figured out how to balance it yet, but I will. Tomorrow when I weigh, I WILL NOT see that number go up. It would be really fucking sweet if it went down. I have to make it.

But that still doesn't help my anxiety.

Ugh.

Anxiety Filling Me

I just checked online the nutrition information of Village Inn. Which is supposed to be where my 'birthday dinner' is. 

First of all... They have ridiculously disgusting nutritional 'food'. So finding something that I could eat was pretty difficult. I looked through everything and my anxiety just keeps getting higher and higher.

Here's what they have that is even remotely close to something I could eat..

Fries - 280 cals, 13g of fat, and 3g of protein.

Pork green chili bowl - 135 cals, 5g of fat, 6g of protein.

Garden Veggie Omelette - 435 cals, 22g of fat, 23g of protein

Country Sausage Crepe - 540 cals, 32g of fat, 17g of protein.

Mediterranean Chicken Salad - 250 cals, 17g of fat, 17g of protein. 

The salad is the least likely of the options because my family would create a huge deal about it. So I was guessing my best bet is the Garden Veggie Omelette. It has a lot more cals than I'd like, but at least it has protein. But that's nothing against the anxiety. I can hardly sit still.

I hate family dinners. I hate that I can't order what I'd want because I have to appear normal to my family. But 435 cals is a lot. Maybe I can design an exercise plan for tomorrow before the lunch and maybe it'll help take the edge off the anxiety.

I've thought about cutting so much today, and this is no different. But I'm trying to hold back.

I wish I could back out of dinner tomorrow. I had such a good day today, and I don't want it to end. I don't want the sluggish feeling to come when I put food in my body. It isn't fair. I run best on E. empty. Why can't everyone else accept that?

I've also been ridiculously cold today, and I can't seem to get warm. I wish I had my electric blanket. Maybe I'll weigh tomorrow. Just so I know what my weight is. Hopefully I've lost, so I'll gain back less after the dinner. I just want to hide away where nobody can tell me what I should be eating and I could just eat how much or how little I wanted. I'm not like everyone else. My body doesn't require fuel. Food. Not like everyone else's. 16 hours and 34 minutes until I have to eat. In the meantime, I guess I'll starve. I need to do some damage control..

Sorry for the ranting. I just.. Where else could I put these thoughts? Nowhere.

Saturday

Tomorrow is my big 'birthday dinner'. I've been avoiding thinking about it for as long as I could, but now it's almost here. My anxiety is sky high about it and I'm essentially just bracing myself for the worst.
I've eaten nothing today, and entirely too much yesterday. I went to the gym with my friend Katie and though I didn't meet my goal of burning 600 cals while there, I managed to burn 510. I'm just hoping it's enough. It's never enough.

I need my weight to go down. It has to, I'm tired of seeing this number. But all I can do is restrict as best as I can, and eventually it has to... Right?

Not much else to say, I guess. Trying to enjoy my weekend as much as possible before school comes again. I'll probably update more later if anything changes.
Happy weekend, everyone.

This Is It

So.. I'm 18. Finally.
I'm legally an adult, now.
How does that make me feel? I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
But I also feel kind of the same.
I'm still me.
Yesterday I didn't really do much for my birthday. My dad and my roommate surprised me with strawberry cake. So I had to eat a small piece.. And tried to purge after but couldn't. Other than that, I had a ham sandwich (thanks to my family) and the rest was coffee and zero cal rockstars. So I'd guess around 600?
I didn't weigh myself this morning. But I'm fasting. Empty.
I had a good day yesterday, despite the food. And now I have a 4 day weekend, and somehow I'm going to enjoy that too.
So that's my update that was supposed to be posted yesterday, but I suck. Happy Valentines day, everyone.

Don't Listen

My best friend triggered me today. Not in an intentional way, but nonetheless.
She had no idea she triggered me. And I'm trying right now to realize it as a trigger and not a reason, but I'm failing, miserably. Most of the time, I think I don't deserve her as a friend. In fact I know I don't.
I'm just upset and stupid right now. Whatever.

Self-Inflicted

Lying comes naturally to me. It's easy.
I lie without even a second thought..
Or even guilt, these days.
And eventually,
Everything becomes a lie.
The truth becomes an abnormality,
Until eventually,
There's just nothing left.

So what am I?
Who am I?
If not nothing, anymore.

Indeed I Am

Thoughts are floating around in my head. Hatred for what I've done is filling my heart.
All directed towards myself.
I am worthless.
I am fake.
I am stupid.

I'm a master liar.. One most people regret getting to know. Doesn't surprise me.
Who would ever want to be around me?

Thinking and Update

I weighed in at 164.8 this morning, despite the excess amount of food I had yesterday. I was pretty excited to see that number, even if it don't drop that much. I was expecting to gain, and I didn't.

So far today I have only had a thermos filled with hot cocoa. It was pretty cold here (in the negatives) and though hot cocoa has more calories than I'd like, it's good to start my metabolism and to keep me warm.

However, that doesn't change anything. I'm fasting as much as possible due to the fact that I ate a shit ton of food yesterday. So hopefully my weight will go down tomorrow too.

I turn eighteen soon, and that means that I'm legally allowed to petition the court to lift a restraining order between myself and someone my dad despises. My brother did the same thing when he turned 18, an my dad pretty much disowned him. If I'm honest, I'm afraid of the fallout with my dad. I am and have always been a daddy's girl. I always will be, even if it doesn't appear as such on the surface. So, needless to say, I'm scared he will disown me too. But this is something I want to do for me, and I need to do it. I just wish I could have my cake and eat it too.

There's really not much else going on in my life at the moment. School, study, graduation focus, and losing weight are basically the only things on my mind right now. Which is quite alright with me, the less stress the better.

The less I invest myself in my personal feelings, the better. I care about others feelings, just not my own.

But overall, life is quite alright at the moment. Manageable, and right now, that's okay with me. (:

Update

I've been restricting fairly well recently. But I'm not sure how its affecting my weight.

Last night I kind of freaked out. I don't even know how to write out what made me snap, but I definitely did and I feel like shit because of it.

My birthday is in 10 days. Not even sure how to feel about that. My dad wants to take me indoor skydiving to celebrate, and my family wants to have cake and ice cream, maybe go out to dinner.

I think not.

I don't need this fat body to take in any more calories than it has to.

I had hot coco with mini marshmallows for "breakfast" and I'm not intending to eat anything for "lunch". I love feeling empty. Who and what would I be without it?

I'm impatiently counting the days until I graduate. Praying and hoping that I pass all of my classes. Struggling to understand and to keep going.

Right now it's looking like I'll have to take a semester or a year off. Nobody else is helping me pay for college, and as of right now I don't have any scholarships or money in general to pay for college.

So if I have to take a gap year, I have to take one. Right now I'm trying to not think about it so much. It makes me sad. As scared as I am to go to college, I kind of... Want to go.

So far, 3 of my 5 classes are done for the day. But I still have several more hours to go. School feels tedious now. Not exciting, I don't want to go. I don't think I want to drop out either though.

Anyways, that's just my current thoughts. I hope everyone has a good day, or at least not a totally shitty day. Xx

^^ this is so true. It's been rediculously cold here, and it's only supposed to get colder. I'm ready for Spring!!