Liquor.
Seems simple enough, some people get addicted and some people don't. I don't truly feel addicted... but I definitely need it to escape the feelings and pain I don't know how to deal with. I know I need therapy. I've contemplated it for years, never really getting a solid answer or lead to go on. How do I just find a therapist? Do I just present myself as broken as I am? Or is it possible to conceal that brokenness until I find one and then open up?
I've tried several times and failed miserably to connect with people since I last wrote here. But in the end I'm always the one that gets hurt. I never really expected differently... but yet I keep finding myself hoping and praying that the next time will be different with someone. Trying my hardest to make it work. There's now someone in my life that I believe I'm truly in love with. Meaning, I don't care how they're in my life... boyfriend, friend, etc. but I know I'd do just about anything to keep them in my life. I know they're here for a reason. He makes me feel closer to God in a way that I know is me, not someone forcing me. He makes me want to be a better Christian and he doesn't even know it. That's really weird to me, because he isn't a step-by-step Christian for lack of better words... but he makes ME want to be better.
In realizing this, I've realized that I'm more vulnerable now than I've ever been and I don't know what to do about it. It's one of the brightest positives in my life, though not the only one. Otherwise, I'm not doing too great. My last relationship of 3 years ended a year ago now and that was absolutely a disaster. He is now a she, and I don't even know what happened.
Since that relationship ended, I've basically been drunk almost 24/7. I've been drinking since writing this and if it wasn't for autocorrect this probably wouldn't even make any sense.
I know I need to find a purpose in my life, a reason to live outside of being drunk 24/7... but I don't know how. People at my job seem to like me better when I've been drinking, I'm less awkward and anxious. It honestly feels like it helps me... but I CANNOT deal with the weight gain. I honestly felt suicidal after weighing myself the other day. I knew things were bad... but not THAT bad. Oh man.
So now I've begun to feel the insatiable urge to starve and lose weight. Since I can't/don't/won't self harm certain ways anymore... I've gotta find a more direct method to achieving what I have such an issue with. I can't believe I let myself get this bad. I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't ever get above 180 again.. and I'm not that far away from it. Time for damage control.
This post is all over the place. I have so many thoughts to think about and my fingers just can't type fast enough. Hopefully I'll be back soon and slightly more sober to articulate my thoughts, but for now... Hello again.
I'm back.
J