So I have been beating myself up recently for everything. Every failure I've had.
I can't seem to find something that works for me. Something that knocks my weight out. I have decided though, that I'm going to allow myself 500 calories a day. That way my body doesn't go into starvation, but I'm going to burn 614. I intend to eat throughout the day, kinda like snacking, but only 500 calories worth. I don't want to eat anything past 6pm though, unless I have practice. And I'm going to try to make it as healthy as I can. I have a bunch of little exercises that I can do throughout the day to get me to 614, so it will be a gradual exercise too.
I don't know how long I should go before I expect to see results? And I mean results of any kind. Maybe a week?
I'm hoping for this... I really need this.
I need a purpose.
Today was a really shitty day. I tried to keep it together and at least make it through the day, but I couldn't. I ended up crying in the hallway during my last class because someone ran into me and made me spill my water. Simple, I know. But it was the last straw for me.
If anyone has an opinion on my weight loss plan, that would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I have no idea how many calories I burn during Colorguard practice. It bothers me. So if anyone could give an estimate, or a good guess? That would be greatly appreciated too. If you don't know what that is, you can YouTube it and probably find a good example.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I started what was supposed to be a 7 day fast yesterday. But then it turned into 8, because I hate odd numbers. They make me feel off.
The first day was rough, but I made it through. Now, I'm on day 2. I've successfully fasted for 34 1/2 hours. That's a weird number too. But whatever.
I love this feeling of empty.
I think that's a common thing of people with Anorexia. for me.
I got to sleep in this morning, but I'm still so tired. I didn't have guard yesterday. Go figure. The one day I needed it, it gets cancelled. Well, guess I'll see what I can do tonight.
I thought about going straight home after school, and sleeping. It sounds so wonderful. But that only lasted for a little bit. Ana started reminding me how much I need the exercise, how sleeping is a waste of time when you could be exercising. And she's right. I mean, how am I ever going to reach 140/ 115 when I don't exercise?
Yeah, there's two weights there. 115 is my ultimate goal weight, but 140 is what I hope to reach sometime in the next 4 months. I think I can do it. I want to at least get as low as I can, and that means NO fuck ups. I have some other ways to get there too. I guess we'll just have to see how my weight drops. How much I can lose.
I'm not sure where things are with Cimiron and I.. They're such a mess right now, at least to me. He probably has no idea what's going on.
I still have work to do. Too much work, not enough time. That seems to be the normal for me. Honestly, I hate this feeling. Of not doing good enough. The other day, when I got my Chem results back, the first thing I thought was "If I was skinnier/perfect, then I wouldn't have gotten this grade". And it's so true.
However, yesterday may have been a bust, but today is a whole new day. A new day to get that much closer to 115. I have to just keep reminding myself of that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I have to make it count. Today is a day that I'll never get back once it's gone.
I have to make it count.
All I can seem to think about right now is the fast. My 8 day fast. Seeing how much weight I can lose, and how far I can make it go down. I've realized that I always go to the extremes. It's my stubbornness and determination in action. I know that using extremes doesn't work for me. It doesn't help me lose weight. But my stubbornness and determination makes it impossible for me to give up, until it does work for me. It will, eventually. It has to.
Does anyone else experience that type of determination?
My stomach is messed up, I think. I get this feeling of nausea where I can feel myself about to puke, at random times. They come and go, and they're never constant. They're never just in one period of time. And I thought it could have been because of the laxatives I was taking, but then I stopped taking them, and nothing changed. So I started again. Not that I'm complaining here. It could be worse, and this way I won't want to eat. I just think it's odd. But there's a lot of things wrong with me. Does anyone else ever get that? The feelings of nausea? I feel like it's just me.
My point was, my 8 day fast is going really well. 35 hours down, 159 more to go. I think. I might have calculated that wrong. But that's what it is right now. xD
The first day was rough, but I made it through. Now, I'm on day 2. I've successfully fasted for 34 1/2 hours. That's a weird number too. But whatever.
I love this feeling of empty.
I think that's a common thing
I got to sleep in this morning, but I'm still so tired. I didn't have guard yesterday. Go figure. The one day I needed it, it gets cancelled. Well, guess I'll see what I can do tonight.
I thought about going straight home after school, and sleeping. It sounds so wonderful. But that only lasted for a little bit. Ana started reminding me how much I need the exercise, how sleeping is a waste of time when you could be exercising. And she's right. I mean, how am I ever going to reach 140/ 115 when I don't exercise?
Yeah, there's two weights there. 115 is my ultimate goal weight, but 140 is what I hope to reach sometime in the next 4 months. I think I can do it. I want to at least get as low as I can, and that means NO fuck ups. I have some other ways to get there too. I guess we'll just have to see how my weight drops. How much I can lose.
I'm not sure where things are with Cimiron and I.. They're such a mess right now, at least to me. He probably has no idea what's going on.
I still have work to do. Too much work, not enough time. That seems to be the normal for me. Honestly, I hate this feeling. Of not doing good enough. The other day, when I got my Chem results back, the first thing I thought was "If I was skinnier/perfect, then I wouldn't have gotten this grade". And it's so true.
However, yesterday may have been a bust, but today is a whole new day. A new day to get that much closer to 115. I have to just keep reminding myself of that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I have to make it count. Today is a day that I'll never get back once it's gone.
I have to make it count.
All I can seem to think about right now is the fast. My 8 day fast. Seeing how much weight I can lose, and how far I can make it go down. I've realized that I always go to the extremes. It's my stubbornness and determination in action. I know that using extremes doesn't work for me. It doesn't help me lose weight. But my stubbornness and determination makes it impossible for me to give up, until it does work for me. It will, eventually. It has to.
Does anyone else experience that type of determination?
My stomach is messed up, I think. I get this feeling of nausea where I can feel myself about to puke, at random times. They come and go, and they're never constant. They're never just in one period of time. And I thought it could have been because of the laxatives I was taking, but then I stopped taking them, and nothing changed. So I started again. Not that I'm complaining here. It could be worse, and this way I won't want to eat. I just think it's odd. But there's a lot of things wrong with me. Does anyone else ever get that? The feelings of nausea? I feel like it's just me.
My point was, my 8 day fast is going really well. 35 hours down, 159 more to go. I think. I might have calculated that wrong. But that's what it is right now. xD
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thinspo all around!
That's what I've been doing for the last 12 or so hours.
Watching YouTube videos, photo searching on Google, reading stories, visiting websites.
It's like a total thinspiration overload.
But it's so good for motivation. I've found some people to talk to who I can help, and who can help me. I've found more support sites, and more love. Not that the people here aren't enough. But branching out, getting more support, that's always a good thing.
I have found a way to hopefully make my day better. I have decided that I am going to try to be skinnier than K. Thinner, prettier, better. I will do it for myself, but also for the fact that I can. Proving that I am good enough.
And as always, I'll do it for myself.
I'm not giving this up anytime soon. It's much too fun.
Today after school is going to be my final work day, and of course more thinspo! Honestly, you can never have too much, and now I have it everywhere I go.
For some reason this makes me happy. (:
But happiness is few and far between, so I'll take it!
Watching YouTube videos, photo searching on Google, reading stories, visiting websites.
It's like a total thinspiration overload.
But it's so good for motivation. I've found some people to talk to who I can help, and who can help me. I've found more support sites, and more love. Not that the people here aren't enough. But branching out, getting more support, that's always a good thing.
I have found a way to hopefully make my day better. I have decided that I am going to try to be skinnier than K. Thinner, prettier, better. I will do it for myself, but also for the fact that I can. Proving that I am good enough.
And as always, I'll do it for myself.
I'm not giving this up anytime soon. It's much too fun.
Today after school is going to be my final work day, and of course more thinspo! Honestly, you can never have too much, and now I have it everywhere I go.
For some reason this makes me happy. (:
But happiness is few and far between, so I'll take it!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Relieved
I don't have much to say.
Or I do, but I don't know how to write it all out.
None of it makes sense.
I had a guard competition last night, we got 9th place, and we also go penalized. So basically, we got last place, but whatever.
Guard is fun because it is exercise. Running, jumping, dancing, push ups, crunches, Pilates so many things. Yet I don't burn enough calories.
I've been reading tons of Pro-Ana blogs, and really, they're so motivational. I just got a bunch of thinspiration too, so it's pretty good. (:
I haven't weighed myself in days because of shitty eating, and paranoia. I don't want weigh myself, but I know that as soon as I'm done writing here, I will. Hopefully I haven't fucked up entirely too much.
I got home really late last night, from the guard competition, so I stayed at my grandma's. Today was supposed to be a day for me to finally finish all my Chemistry homework. But since it's snowing here, and nobody wants to drive, I won't be getting home till late again. Which means I'll be staying up again tonight to finish it all. I can't go another week with all this, and besides, I have a Chemistry test tomorrow. Wish me luck? I tried to get help for it, but both people flaked on me so I said fuck it.
I talked to Cimiron a bit, and I definitely over reacted. He never said why he dropped off the face of the planet, but I'm just going with the fact that he was probably busy. Talking to him today, it felt like nothing between us had changed. Though I feel like a whole different person. I don't expect it to last, by any means. I always do this. Get motivated, feel like something changed, and then go back to how I was before. So I'm going to talk advantage of it while I can. Do what I can. I wish it would stop snowing and being in the "single digit" degrees. It would help things a lot. Then I could run, be outside. When I get stuck inside, I get restless, because I feel like there's so much that needs to get done, and I'm not doing it.
Does anyone else get like that?
So things are going pretty good at the moment. I just hope next week goes by alright. I'm sure it will, once I pass that Chem test. Haha, can you tell what's on my mind??!!!!? xD
Anyways, I'm off to find something to make me a bit less restless. :D
Friday, February 22, 2013
Switched sides?
I am so judgmental. There's a girl, who I guess has Anorexia.
I keep saying/hearing that Anorexia is not a physical disorder, it's mental. I know that. That's how I feel too.
Kinda.
So anyways, this girl. She has a blog, and she posts about how she eats ice cream, and cookies, and all this stuff that I could never imagine eating. Ever.
And in my head, I'm like "Bitch. You don't have Anorexia. You just wish you did so you wouldn't be so fat. If you really want it, then get it. Don't make excuses. And don't pretend that you have Anorexia when you don't." I am such a bitch.
I didn't say any of that at all, just thought it. She's never been in treatment, never really restricted, eats a lot of foods that a true anorexic never would.
I am so hypocritical. Just had to rant about that.
If anyone wants to, you can tell me what you think about this. But I just wanted to write about that, it was bugging me. Xx
I keep saying/hearing that Anorexia is not a physical disorder, it's mental. I know that. That's how I feel too.
Kinda.
So anyways, this girl. She has a blog, and she posts about how she eats ice cream, and cookies, and all this stuff that I could never imagine eating. Ever.
And in my head, I'm like "Bitch. You don't have Anorexia. You just wish you did so you wouldn't be so fat. If you really want it, then get it. Don't make excuses. And don't pretend that you have Anorexia when you don't." I am such a bitch.
I didn't say any of that at all, just thought it. She's never been in treatment, never really restricted, eats a lot of foods that a true anorexic never would.
I am so hypocritical. Just had to rant about that.
If anyone wants to, you can tell me what you think about this. But I just wanted to write about that, it was bugging me. Xx
Thursday, February 21, 2013
North Pole/South pole; same state of mind
I feel like two sides of the same coin. Total opposites. I don't know how they can co-exist in my mind. However, they do.
One side of the coin, is extremely happy.
Happy that I get to exercise. We did a lot of physical things in guard tonight. I ran laps, did push ups, sit ups, burpees, a lot of things. I love to exercise. I really do. It makes me feel good, and it's partly due to the endorphins you get from exercise, but also because I genuinely love it. I wouldn't give it up for anything.
I'm happy that I can actually enjoy things. I'm excited at the possibility of getting to run this weekend, as I'll be all caught up.
I'm happy. For once, I am just happy.
H
A
P
P
Y.
Why? Not one hundred percent sure, but hey, I'll take it. :D
The other side of my mind, is that I need to cut the shit. I've been binging, or just eating shit for the last few days. I blame it on my period. It came at the worst possible time, and I've just been putting shit into myself since. It only actually started today, and I have horrid cramps.
It's ridiculous.
But! Alas, if I am ever going to reach 115, I have to say no. I have to get control, and stop putting shit into my mouth. I function better on an empty stomach and starvation anyways.
If other people can do it, so can I.
And I will.
I am fasting tomorrow, which won't be easy, but it isn't impossible either.
So. I am going to do this.
Wish me luck?
Any kind of support would be welcome, just because the first day is always the hardest.
I'm gonna try to keep it up for one day, but more than that eventually.
I haven't updated my weight in a while. I was going to weigh myself this morning, but then when I woke up bloated as all hell, and having the worst cramps ever, I decided that for the sake of my sanity, I wouldn't. So I'll weigh myself when I don't have so much shit in me, I'm not so bloated, and I get a chance. Next week, sometime. In the meantime, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.
I can do it.
I believe in myself for once.
I like this feeling of hope. It never lasts, but when it does come around, it's an amazing feeling. :D
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
So normally I can tolerate people. But not today. K, my ex best friend, I pretty much ignore her. It might not seem like I do, because I still talk about her here, but this is pretty much the only place I can vent my frustrations. Anyways, there was a girl, S. She was/is a friend of K, and her and I had started being friends. A little. Not so much anymore. Anyways, anytime I say something to S, K makes a face at me. Like she gives me a lot of dirty looks and I realize that it is a kindergarten thing to do, but it still pisses me off. I KNOW that I am a resentful person. Not all the time, but more than I would like to be. Take this, for example. There was a girl, A. Her and I had been friends my freshman year of high school. We'd been good friends, or so I thought. That's about when my first bout of depression. Basically, A just up and left one day. I don't know why, or what I did to make her hate me, or even if it was my fault. But even now, 2 years later, I see her in the halls and I still feel hatred for her. The anger. In most aspects, i've let it go and just chalked it up to shit that happens in high school. But obviously, on some levels... I can't let it go.
Anyways, K. Like they say, once you start hating someone, EVERYTHING they do starts to irritate you. No matter what it is, it just irritates you.
I guess I need to let go of that resentment. That might be part of the reason that i'm so sad, pissed off, and irritated all the time. I'm working on letting it go, but usually, for me, the emotions just go away on their own. Maybe destressing would help. YOGA TIME!!! xD
I also have an English essay due today. That's what class i'm in right now. But the fact of the matter is... I just don't feel like writing it. I'm such a procrastinator. It's due at the end of the day, and I haven't even started it yet. The essay is supposed to be about a life event that is significant to you. But then you're suppsoed to turn it into something more. Relate it to a bigger aspect so that more people can identify with it. I chose to use hatred. I thought about using alcohol, with my mom and everything, but I think I could use hatred too.
I mean, my dad's hatred, look at the effect that it has on me, and the effect that hatred in a society effects everyone. So yeah. I have the topic, but I have no idea how to go about writing it. I suck at writing essays. English in college is going to kill me....
So.. there's 557 days until I move out. Until I am finally away from my family, and all the people here. Don't get me wrong, some of the people I know here, I would love to keep in touch with. But there is a lot that I need to leave here. I don't know where i'm going to go yet but I know that I am going. I am not staying in Colorado. I love it, but I think I'd love NY better. Now only if I could get into college. God, the future scares me. I have no idea what i'm going to do, where i'll be, how i'll make it. I have no idea. I don't know anything. That scares the shit out of me, because I don't want to grow up. I don't want to have to worry about paying for college, getting a house, paying bills, gas, a car, a life. I don't want any of it. But at the same time, growing up is everything to me. It's my out. My time to start out on my own, and try to make my life a life that I want to live. Or at the very least a life that I can tolerate living.
I haven't talked to Cimiron in a while. Like a week. I know that i've gone longer than that before without talking to him, but I miss it. And it isn't like i'm just not talking to him. Last I knew, he didn't have a house phone, though he said we could still text. So I tried, and I tried FB too. He didn't reply to either. Don't get me wrong, maybe he is just busy. Which is totally fine. But the fact that I don't know.. well it makes me anxious. My brain keeps making up horrible scenarios, and expecting the worst. I feel like a really clingy girlfriend right now. I realize that my mind is just playing out my insecurities, but still. Knowing doesn't make it easier. Someone please tell me.. Am I overreacting? If so, at what point does it become genuine and not over reacting?
Ugh. I think I need to just chill out.
Today, I intend to finish all of the makeup work that i have left. I am eligible to compete this weekend, so my grades are up. But they are not to my liking by any means. So i'm going to finish it all today, and try to get them up. I've already done so much. I just have to keep it up. Motivation, that's what I need.
All in all, I suppose that today is a good day. I haven't done much, and hopefully it will be better once i'm all caught up and I don't have to worry about make up work anymore. Really, I need this weekend to come. Just so I can finally get done with everything, and maybe relax. 2 more days!!! :D
Anyways, K. Like they say, once you start hating someone, EVERYTHING they do starts to irritate you. No matter what it is, it just irritates you.
I guess I need to let go of that resentment. That might be part of the reason that i'm so sad, pissed off, and irritated all the time. I'm working on letting it go, but usually, for me, the emotions just go away on their own. Maybe destressing would help. YOGA TIME!!! xD
I also have an English essay due today. That's what class i'm in right now. But the fact of the matter is... I just don't feel like writing it. I'm such a procrastinator. It's due at the end of the day, and I haven't even started it yet. The essay is supposed to be about a life event that is significant to you. But then you're suppsoed to turn it into something more. Relate it to a bigger aspect so that more people can identify with it. I chose to use hatred. I thought about using alcohol, with my mom and everything, but I think I could use hatred too.
I mean, my dad's hatred, look at the effect that it has on me, and the effect that hatred in a society effects everyone. So yeah. I have the topic, but I have no idea how to go about writing it. I suck at writing essays. English in college is going to kill me....
So.. there's 557 days until I move out. Until I am finally away from my family, and all the people here. Don't get me wrong, some of the people I know here, I would love to keep in touch with. But there is a lot that I need to leave here. I don't know where i'm going to go yet but I know that I am going. I am not staying in Colorado. I love it, but I think I'd love NY better. Now only if I could get into college. God, the future scares me. I have no idea what i'm going to do, where i'll be, how i'll make it. I have no idea. I don't know anything. That scares the shit out of me, because I don't want to grow up. I don't want to have to worry about paying for college, getting a house, paying bills, gas, a car, a life. I don't want any of it. But at the same time, growing up is everything to me. It's my out. My time to start out on my own, and try to make my life a life that I want to live. Or at the very least a life that I can tolerate living.
I haven't talked to Cimiron in a while. Like a week. I know that i've gone longer than that before without talking to him, but I miss it. And it isn't like i'm just not talking to him. Last I knew, he didn't have a house phone, though he said we could still text. So I tried, and I tried FB too. He didn't reply to either. Don't get me wrong, maybe he is just busy. Which is totally fine. But the fact that I don't know.. well it makes me anxious. My brain keeps making up horrible scenarios, and expecting the worst. I feel like a really clingy girlfriend right now. I realize that my mind is just playing out my insecurities, but still. Knowing doesn't make it easier. Someone please tell me.. Am I overreacting? If so, at what point does it become genuine and not over reacting?
Ugh. I think I need to just chill out.
Today, I intend to finish all of the makeup work that i have left. I am eligible to compete this weekend, so my grades are up. But they are not to my liking by any means. So i'm going to finish it all today, and try to get them up. I've already done so much. I just have to keep it up. Motivation, that's what I need.
All in all, I suppose that today is a good day. I haven't done much, and hopefully it will be better once i'm all caught up and I don't have to worry about make up work anymore. Really, I need this weekend to come. Just so I can finally get done with everything, and maybe relax. 2 more days!!! :D
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| I will go here someday... <3 |
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| Need to remember. By the way, am I the only one who sang the song while reading this? xD |
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tuesday (Monday)
I ended up getting a good amount of work done last night, despite the fact that that means that I only got about 4 hours of sleep.
Waking up this morning, it was nice.
I'm feeling good.
I swear... My moods fluctuate so much. I don't think that's normal, but maybe it's just part of being a teenager. xD I'm 17, after all.
Today is going to be a good day. I have guard, which I guess I'm not too excited about, but I'm not hating it so much anymore either. We're finally starting to learn our show, and we start up competitions again this Saturday. Maybe.... Just maybe..... I'm a wee bit excited. (:
It's Tuesday but it feels like a Monday. And a good one at that. I mean, I still have my doubts. Mostly about my grades, and my boyfriend. But I'm pushing those aside for right now. This is going to be a busy week, and I need to keep my head in the game. I'm actually feeling pretty psyched about this week.
Anyone else feeling this psyched? :D
I've started using myfitnesspal. It's a lot of work, but I kinda like it. It's helping me to keep on track. Though before, I didn't see so much point in it. I found it easier to manually track them. But I love how it tells me what I'll weigh in 5 weeks, when I have a low calorie count. Especially since I know that I can do it. I'll weigh less than it says I will. (:
Not much to update about. Just randomness. Wanted to share my happiness and see if anyone felt the same. (:
Waking up this morning, it was nice.
I'm feeling good.
I swear... My moods fluctuate so much. I don't think that's normal, but maybe it's just part of being a teenager. xD I'm 17, after all.
Today is going to be a good day. I have guard, which I guess I'm not too excited about, but I'm not hating it so much anymore either. We're finally starting to learn our show, and we start up competitions again this Saturday. Maybe.... Just maybe..... I'm a wee bit excited. (:
It's Tuesday but it feels like a Monday. And a good one at that. I mean, I still have my doubts. Mostly about my grades, and my boyfriend. But I'm pushing those aside for right now. This is going to be a busy week, and I need to keep my head in the game. I'm actually feeling pretty psyched about this week.
Anyone else feeling this psyched? :D
I've started using myfitnesspal. It's a lot of work, but I kinda like it. It's helping me to keep on track. Though before, I didn't see so much point in it. I found it easier to manually track them. But I love how it tells me what I'll weigh in 5 weeks, when I have a low calorie count. Especially since I know that I can do it. I'll weigh less than it says I will. (:
Not much to update about. Just randomness. Wanted to share my happiness and see if anyone felt the same. (:
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Making no sense xD
I got my Ipod!! ^_^ This makes me insanely happy.. And I don't care if it's weird.
It's only a 2nd generation, but I got it from a friend for kinda cheap, and it works pretty good, so why not? I can put all my music on there, and use most apps, so why not?
It just makes me smile. :D
As for the fast..... It lasted about 22 hours. Then I was forced into dinner (last night) and today has been horrid food wise. I did exercise a lot at practice though, so maybe it won't be so bad. I don't know. If anything, I want to give up, and give in, but I keep reminding myself that I have to keep going and keep trying. I can't give in. Which for the most part is working.... Kinda. I mean, it's a struggle. But something is better than nothing, right?
I haven't done anything, really. Not in terms of homework. I've been productive, yet unproductive as well. I cleaned my room, did my laundry, did a few of my chores. But I haven't done any homework. I guess that's what I'll be doing for the next two days. Wish me luck!
So far, my outlook on guard is going better. Our show is looking much better. and for the most part, I'm not getting frustrated. Or show isn't until next week, so I'm feeling better about that. Still counting the days till it's over, but hey, what can I say?! (That rhymed) xD
I'm having trouble trying to find an app that works and is compatible with my Ipod, for maintaining/tracking calories and weight loss. It's so difficult, and blah!
There's not much up with me.
I guess that's all.
I'm still reading blogs religiously. xD
And it was so nice today that I got to run. (:
It's only a 2nd generation, but I got it from a friend for kinda cheap, and it works pretty good, so why not? I can put all my music on there, and use most apps, so why not?
It just makes me smile. :D
As for the fast..... It lasted about 22 hours. Then I was forced into dinner (last night) and today has been horrid food wise. I did exercise a lot at practice though, so maybe it won't be so bad. I don't know. If anything, I want to give up, and give in, but I keep reminding myself that I have to keep going and keep trying. I can't give in. Which for the most part is working.... Kinda. I mean, it's a struggle. But something is better than nothing, right?
I haven't done anything, really. Not in terms of homework. I've been productive, yet unproductive as well. I cleaned my room, did my laundry, did a few of my chores. But I haven't done any homework. I guess that's what I'll be doing for the next two days. Wish me luck!
So far, my outlook on guard is going better. Our show is looking much better. and for the most part, I'm not getting frustrated. Or show isn't until next week, so I'm feeling better about that. Still counting the days till it's over, but hey, what can I say?! (That rhymed) xD
I'm having trouble trying to find an app that works and is compatible with my Ipod, for maintaining/tracking calories and weight loss. It's so difficult, and blah!
There's not much up with me.
I guess that's all.
I'm still reading blogs religiously. xD
And it was so nice today that I got to run. (:
Friday, February 15, 2013
We are singing to our lava lamp, and it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!
I'm fasting.
My foot has healed, so I can start running again.
But still I'll fast.
Right now, it's at a minimum of 48 hours. So far, I'm at 10 hours without food.
I don't know how long this will go. I never want it to end. I think I have found the answer. Fast. Eat nothing. Only eat when forced to, and even then, don't feel like you've failed. Just go back to fasting.
I am so excited for this.
I am going to try it.
Please don't try to tell me how much I am going to be destroying my body, or how unhealthy it is. I know all of that.
But still. This feeling of utter emptiness, of hunger... I missed it. I missed this feeling of lightness. I feel like I could fly. :D
I have a four day weekend. I am cleaning my room today, and doing some homework. I have practice tomorrow, but no competition. Then two more days of nothing. :D
This makes me so excited. I get to catch up on all my work, I might get a chance to run. If not, there's other things I can do. (:
I finally feel in control. I'm almost happy. As happy as I've been in a while.
This will help me. In overcoming my "all or nothing" view. I can do this.
And there's no way I can stay this weight by doing this. It just not be possible! :D So... Results! Here I come.
My new phrase is... "We are singing to our lava lamp! And it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!" ^_^
Just because I'm feeling random. :D And I'm in such a good mood. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!
My foot has healed, so I can start running again.
But still I'll fast.
Right now, it's at a minimum of 48 hours. So far, I'm at 10 hours without food.
I don't know how long this will go. I never want it to end. I think I have found the answer. Fast. Eat nothing. Only eat when forced to, and even then, don't feel like you've failed. Just go back to fasting.
I am so excited for this.
I am going to try it.
Please don't try to tell me how much I am going to be destroying my body, or how unhealthy it is. I know all of that.
But still. This feeling of utter emptiness, of hunger... I missed it. I missed this feeling of lightness. I feel like I could fly. :D
I have a four day weekend. I am cleaning my room today, and doing some homework. I have practice tomorrow, but no competition. Then two more days of nothing. :D
This makes me so excited. I get to catch up on all my work, I might get a chance to run. If not, there's other things I can do. (:
I finally feel in control. I'm almost happy. As happy as I've been in a while.
This will help me. In overcoming my "all or nothing" view. I can do this.
And there's no way I can stay this weight by doing this. It just not be possible! :D So... Results! Here I come.
My new phrase is... "We are singing to our lava lamp! And it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!" ^_^
Just because I'm feeling random. :D And I'm in such a good mood. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Wednesday, February 13
Can anyone guess what today is?
My dad started with waking up at 5 am, because Cimiron called me to wish me a happy birthday. I mean, it's 7 for him, and it was wayy early for me, but actually, I didn't mind. I thought it was sweet, and it definitely made my day! Then I got to school, and I thought everyone was gonna make a big deal about my birthday, but really, it's just been relaxing. My math class sang the birthday song to me, but otherwise, nobodies really said anything about it. (:
Just take a guess.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! ^_^
For once, I'm actually happy about that fact.
I never like my birthday. It's just another day for attention, and I hate attention.
Today, however, is actually a really good day.
My dad started with waking up at 5 am, because Cimiron called me to wish me a happy birthday. I mean, it's 7 for him, and it was wayy early for me, but actually, I didn't mind. I thought it was sweet, and it definitely made my day! Then I got to school, and I thought everyone was gonna make a big deal about my birthday, but really, it's just been relaxing. My math class sang the birthday song to me, but otherwise, nobodies really said anything about it. (:
I don't have any plans for my birthday, it's just going to be another day filled with endless homework, and chores. I seriously have so much homework right now, it's a wonder I'm still alive. I keep procrastinating, and it keeps piling up. But, alas, this weekend (Friday - Monday as I have no school for either days, and no competition this weekend) I will catch up on all my work. All of it. So for now I'm just waiting. :D I also want to do something this weekend, because I mean... C'mon! I'm 17, and I have to do something for my birthday. I have yet to find someone to hang out with or do something with yet, though. Guess I'll just keep trying!
I think later tonight, we're going out to dinner. Not my favorite thing to do, and I'm a bit worried. My brother (the other wayyyy older one) is supposed to call me at 7ish. I haven't talked to him since I was a little kid. And though we've been writing, it might be nice to talk to him. I'm also scared though, because I might run out of things to say, and then it'd just be really awkward.
I dunno.
Today's been really good though. I did and still do have a lot of anxiety, but it only started about an hour ago. So I figure that if I can run or walk after I get out of school, it might help. Just so I don't have to think. I think I'm finally starting to be more positive though, and for that I am so happy!!!
Anyways, I just kinda left in the middle of class to write this... So back to class I shall go! (:
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A lot of things seem to be triggering me lately. Not in a bad way, just in a very irritating way.
The girl I used to be best friends with... K.
I sit in front of her for English. She was walking up to talk to the teacher, I guess to ask a question. I wasn't paying any attention, because I never do. Well, not to her anyways. I pay attention to the teacher most of the time.
Anyways, I happened to notice how skinny she was. Not like, eating disorder skinny, just, skinny. Like healthyish skinny. Thin. I happen to know that her mom in insanely skinny. I know she doesn't have an ED either, but she's really skinny.
Anyways, back to K. Almost immediately, my first thought was "She dropped you as her friend because she didn't want to be seen with someone so fat." Then Ana started whispering more. How she must laugh at me because I'm so horridly fat, or that she knows I'm a liar and an attention seeker. All these things. And I couldn't bring myself to disagree.
All in all, it probably lasted about 30 seconds, tops. The seeing her part, I mean. But those thoughts?
Yeah, they're sticking around. They're not going anywhere.
It's still a good day, I just had to write that out.
The girl I used to be best friends with... K.
I sit in front of her for English. She was walking up to talk to the teacher, I guess to ask a question. I wasn't paying any attention, because I never do. Well, not to her anyways. I pay attention to the teacher most of the time.
Anyways, I happened to notice how skinny she was. Not like, eating disorder skinny, just, skinny. Like healthyish skinny. Thin. I happen to know that her mom in insanely skinny. I know she doesn't have an ED either, but she's really skinny.
Anyways, back to K. Almost immediately, my first thought was "She dropped you as her friend because she didn't want to be seen with someone so fat." Then Ana started whispering more. How she must laugh at me because I'm so horridly fat, or that she knows I'm a liar and an attention seeker. All these things. And I couldn't bring myself to disagree.
All in all, it probably lasted about 30 seconds, tops. The seeing her part, I mean. But those thoughts?
Yeah, they're sticking around. They're not going anywhere.
It's still a good day, I just had to write that out.
I'm back... And better than ever!
What can I say?
Nothing really.
I'm not 100% sure if I'm back on track, or if I'm just bullshitting everything. But moving away from my blog didn't really help much. It just kinda made me and my progress, frozen almost?
This is like my little corner of the universe to rant and rave in. I can't give that up, can I? [;
Naww, so I'm back.
Despite going downhill in my control factor (Getting it back though!!!) and having some issues, I feel like I'm in a good mood. Though I'm pretty good at bullshitting myself to the point of belief, but for now, I'll just roll with it. :D
I'm slowly getting caught up on my work from the last 2 weeks. There's so much to do, and therefore I wish to procrastinate!! But I know that I can't. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I am free!!! ^_^
I have a 4 day weekend this week (No school on Friday or next Monday), so it's ass kicking time for my work!!
Of course, that also means I have a color guard competition. We had one last Saturday... And in my opinion, it sucked.
I dropped every toss we threw, and I messed up a lot of drill. Needless to say, I wasn't the only one. We ended up getting last place in our division, with a score of 39.90. The scores are out of 100, so that should tell you how bad we did.
I hope to improve this week though, as much as I can. Our instructor wants to add more to it on Tuesday, which is going to be really stressful, but hey, I've only had about 3 days to learn the whole show, so I shouldn't be stressing. I mean, it's not the end of the world, if we suck, right?
I've started counting down the weeks till it's over, just because I'm excited not to have to go anymore. It's fun, but so stressful. At least right now. Maybe later it won't be. I have 8 more practices, 4 more competitions, and 4 more weeks left!!!
There's so much cold weather here.... And that makes me sad inside, because I really wanted to start running again... Just not in like 10 degree weather. -_-
I got new headphones!!! Finally! Mine broke while I was on vacation, and I wasn't able to get new ones until now. I live with them in my ears, pretty much 24/7... So I'm glad to have them back!!
I actually got out of my hermit hole on Saturday/Sunday and hung out with a friend of mine. We went to the movies, saw Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I know, I know.... Vampires, Werewolves, etc... NO. Buuut..... I like them still. Jacob (Taylor Lautner is hot!!) :D
I laughed quite a bit, and I got a duck army!! (Randomness...)
Basically, now I have like 40 little rubber ducks... I don't know why but I love them (:
It felt so nice to laugh. For once. To not be so upset, or down, or depressed. Of course, those emotions are still there, but I guess "Fake it till you make it"? So even if it's not actual happiness (What the hell is actual happiness anyways??!!?) I'll take it.
Not looking forward to today, but actually, that's just because I would rather be at home! Haha.
I misplaced some very important things that I NEED, so I have to find them.
I don't know what I did with them, but I pray to Jesus that I didn't permanently lose them. Otherwise, I'm in deep shit! I always do this. -_- I lose everything, no matter how hard I try not to. I might just have to start gluing things to myself... Awkward!!
But seriously, I lose everything. No bueno!!
On the downside, I've been cutting/burning a lot recently. Like, more than usual. Yesterday, it was 3 times. Which, damn. I now that I shouldn't, but it's like if there's anything that stresses me out, and I can't cope with it, that's my out. Bad habits, I know. But I guess it's normal for me, so I don't see how bad it is?
I've started texting Cimiron again, telling him every time I do something self destructive. It isn't as much as I'd like it to be, but it has helped me tone things down a bit. I stopped for a while, because I didn't want him to know anything, but then I asked him if he wanted me to keep texting him. He said that it helped him understand what everyday is like for me. What I go through. And that it allowed him to support me more. So I returned to it.
Either way, today is a new day, and I'm hoping that I can keep this good mood.
No promises, but by looking at the last few days, well, I guess things are starting to look up? Maybe for once I can finally throw myself back into the light. Instead of hiding in this darkness. I'm working on changing my views on how I look at things.. Like with the cutting thing. I could look at it as a failure, so why try to change it? Instead, I'm choosing to see that today is a new day, and that it can only be a bad day if I let it be a bad day. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.
So... I was supposed to be working on school work... but instead I've spent the last 45 minutes reading blogs, and writing. SO PRODUCTIVE. Oh well. I'll just have to work on things throughout the day. I can do this. Slowly but surely. I have a lot of work to do, especially since if I don't get all my F's up by this Saturday, I'm ineligible to compete in the competition. Bleh... Why?? Best be getting on it, eh? xD
Nothing really.
I'm not 100% sure if I'm back on track, or if I'm just bullshitting everything. But moving away from my blog didn't really help much. It just kinda made me and my progress, frozen almost?
This is like my little corner of the universe to rant and rave in. I can't give that up, can I? [;
Naww, so I'm back.
Despite going downhill in my control factor (Getting it back though!!!) and having some issues, I feel like I'm in a good mood. Though I'm pretty good at bullshitting myself to the point of belief, but for now, I'll just roll with it. :D
I'm slowly getting caught up on my work from the last 2 weeks. There's so much to do, and therefore I wish to procrastinate!! But I know that I can't. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I am free!!! ^_^
I have a 4 day weekend this week (No school on Friday or next Monday), so it's ass kicking time for my work!!
Of course, that also means I have a color guard competition. We had one last Saturday... And in my opinion, it sucked.
I dropped every toss we threw, and I messed up a lot of drill. Needless to say, I wasn't the only one. We ended up getting last place in our division, with a score of 39.90. The scores are out of 100, so that should tell you how bad we did.
I hope to improve this week though, as much as I can. Our instructor wants to add more to it on Tuesday, which is going to be really stressful, but hey, I've only had about 3 days to learn the whole show, so I shouldn't be stressing. I mean, it's not the end of the world, if we suck, right?
I've started counting down the weeks till it's over, just because I'm excited not to have to go anymore. It's fun, but so stressful. At least right now. Maybe later it won't be. I have 8 more practices, 4 more competitions, and 4 more weeks left!!!
There's so much cold weather here.... And that makes me sad inside, because I really wanted to start running again... Just not in like 10 degree weather. -_-
I got new headphones!!! Finally! Mine broke while I was on vacation, and I wasn't able to get new ones until now. I live with them in my ears, pretty much 24/7... So I'm glad to have them back!!
I actually got out of my hermit hole on Saturday/Sunday and hung out with a friend of mine. We went to the movies, saw Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I know, I know.... Vampires, Werewolves, etc... NO. Buuut..... I like them still. Jacob (Taylor Lautner is hot!!) :D
I laughed quite a bit, and I got a duck army!! (Randomness...)
Basically, now I have like 40 little rubber ducks... I don't know why but I love them (:
It felt so nice to laugh. For once. To not be so upset, or down, or depressed. Of course, those emotions are still there, but I guess "Fake it till you make it"? So even if it's not actual happiness (What the hell is actual happiness anyways??!!?) I'll take it.
Not looking forward to today, but actually, that's just because I would rather be at home! Haha.
I misplaced some very important things that I NEED, so I have to find them.
I don't know what I did with them, but I pray to Jesus that I didn't permanently lose them. Otherwise, I'm in deep shit! I always do this. -_- I lose everything, no matter how hard I try not to. I might just have to start gluing things to myself... Awkward!!
But seriously, I lose everything. No bueno!!
On the downside, I've been cutting/burning a lot recently. Like, more than usual. Yesterday, it was 3 times. Which, damn. I now that I shouldn't, but it's like if there's anything that stresses me out, and I can't cope with it, that's my out. Bad habits, I know. But I guess it's normal for me, so I don't see how bad it is?
I've started texting Cimiron again, telling him every time I do something self destructive. It isn't as much as I'd like it to be, but it has helped me tone things down a bit. I stopped for a while, because I didn't want him to know anything, but then I asked him if he wanted me to keep texting him. He said that it helped him understand what everyday is like for me. What I go through. And that it allowed him to support me more. So I returned to it.
Either way, today is a new day, and I'm hoping that I can keep this good mood.
No promises, but by looking at the last few days, well, I guess things are starting to look up? Maybe for once I can finally throw myself back into the light. Instead of hiding in this darkness. I'm working on changing my views on how I look at things.. Like with the cutting thing. I could look at it as a failure, so why try to change it? Instead, I'm choosing to see that today is a new day, and that it can only be a bad day if I let it be a bad day. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.
So... I was supposed to be working on school work... but instead I've spent the last 45 minutes reading blogs, and writing. SO PRODUCTIVE. Oh well. I'll just have to work on things throughout the day. I can do this. Slowly but surely. I have a lot of work to do, especially since if I don't get all my F's up by this Saturday, I'm ineligible to compete in the competition. Bleh... Why?? Best be getting on it, eh? xD
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Need to get my shit together.
I looked at my measurements from January 10th... Which was the last time I posted them.
In some ways, they've gone up. Only a small bit, but fuck.
In other ways, they've gone down.
I don't know what to believe.
I haven't lost any fucking weight, thanks to vacation.
Guess I'll just try harder.
That should be my motto.
TRY HARDER.
I am such a failure. No matter what anyone says, I am. I can't deny that anymore.
So... I don't know what to do anymore.
I have some ideas, but no motivation. I don't believe in myself and doing this anymore. But I in no way want recovery..
I'm such a mess.
Whatever..
Thanks to everyone who supported me. It meant a lot.
And I'll remember that.
This might be my last post for a while.
Until I can get my shit together, and do something... I won't be posting.
I can't.
So.. seeya.
I told him to tell his teacher to give her my number.
I did it before I could change my mind.
The only think keeping me sane is that I know that I can back out if I don't want to do this. But I'll at least talk to her once.
It terrifies me....
But I guess It can't hurt.
So now, I play the waiting game.
I can do this.
I really hope I'm making the right choice.
Otherwise, things are going good. Not everything, but more than was yesterday. Which is a start.
I did it before I could change my mind.
The only think keeping me sane is that I know that I can back out if I don't want to do this. But I'll at least talk to her once.
It terrifies me....
But I guess It can't hurt.
So now, I play the waiting game.
I can do this.
I really hope I'm making the right choice.
Otherwise, things are going good. Not everything, but more than was yesterday. Which is a start.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Should I?
This is going to be a short update.
I talked to Cimiron, who talked to his health teacher about all the problems I'm having. I guess all she basically said was that she wanted to talk to me, personally. Of course he had to ask me before he could give her my number.
I simply told him I'd think about it.
I don't know what to do.
This woman will NEVER know me, she lives more than 2200 miles away, and she pretty much knows nothing about me.
Yet I am afraid that if I talk to her, she will find SOME way to get it back to my family, or someone. For whatever reason, I think that might happen.
She doesn't have any of my info, the only thing she'd know is my first name, and my number. That's it.
Am I being irrational about that?
Should I talk to her?
I am completely at a loss for what to do. I have no idea, no strand to go on.
Cimiron said that she's counseled enough people and helped another girl in another situation. He said that the other girl, suffering with and ED, eventually had to be rushed to the hospital. I think it's because she collapsed.
I am NOWHERE near that bad. I don't even look like I have an ED. I don't feel sick enough, or disordered enough, or screwed up enough. I don't know.
Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Anything. I have no idea what to do.
I talked to Cimiron, who talked to his health teacher about all the problems I'm having. I guess all she basically said was that she wanted to talk to me, personally. Of course he had to ask me before he could give her my number.
I simply told him I'd think about it.
I don't know what to do.
This woman will NEVER know me, she lives more than 2200 miles away, and she pretty much knows nothing about me.
Yet I am afraid that if I talk to her, she will find SOME way to get it back to my family, or someone. For whatever reason, I think that might happen.
She doesn't have any of my info, the only thing she'd know is my first name, and my number. That's it.
Am I being irrational about that?
Should I talk to her?
I am completely at a loss for what to do. I have no idea, no strand to go on.
Cimiron said that she's counseled enough people and helped another girl in another situation. He said that the other girl, suffering with and ED, eventually had to be rushed to the hospital. I think it's because she collapsed.
I am NOWHERE near that bad. I don't even look like I have an ED. I don't feel sick enough, or disordered enough, or screwed up enough. I don't know.
Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Anything. I have no idea what to do.
Help?
Alright.
I am going to try to the best of my ability...
But I may need some of your (people who read this blog) help,
Here's my goal:
I realize that I'm only making things worse for myself, by being negative.
It's not helping me in any way.
Unfortunately, I'm stuck in a cycle.
motivation-take action-mess up a bit-assume I failed so there's no point-get more depressed-self harm-NEGATIVITY-motivation
Something like that anyways.
But I can't do that.
I've realized just how tired I am of always being negative.
I realize it's a part of me, and I've kinda made it to where I can be negative, but I need to try to find a way to change that, if I have any hope of staying sane. Even a little bit.
Sure, I'll have times where I'm pissed off, or hurt about something. But that's normal, because I'm a teenager.
My birthday is in less than a week. I need to hopefully be somewhat happy by then. I would hate to spend my birthday ... well, let's just not go there.
What I need from people who read this, if they're willing..
If I post about something negative, can you possibly remind me why it is I shouldn't view it that way, and help me change my perspective on it?
I lose my motivation for this kind of thing easily... Which is why I'm asking for help. If I want to do this, I know that I can't do it alone. And I know that as soon as I'm a bit happier, or as happy as I can be with my ED and other issues, then I'll be able to get more control. I'll have more strength. Which is what I'm shooting for.
I don't even know if this makes sense... but this is what I need.
If you'd like to help, great.
If not, no worries! (:
I am going to try to the best of my ability...
But I may need some of your (people who read this blog) help,
Here's my goal:
I realize that I'm only making things worse for myself, by being negative.
It's not helping me in any way.
Unfortunately, I'm stuck in a cycle.
motivation-take action-mess up a bit-assume I failed so there's no point-get more depressed-self harm-NEGATIVITY-motivation
Something like that anyways.
But I can't do that.
I've realized just how tired I am of always being negative.
I realize it's a part of me, and I've kinda made it to where I can be negative, but I need to try to find a way to change that, if I have any hope of staying sane. Even a little bit.
Sure, I'll have times where I'm pissed off, or hurt about something. But that's normal, because I'm a teenager.
My birthday is in less than a week. I need to hopefully be somewhat happy by then. I would hate to spend my birthday ... well, let's just not go there.
What I need from people who read this, if they're willing..
If I post about something negative, can you possibly remind me why it is I shouldn't view it that way, and help me change my perspective on it?
I lose my motivation for this kind of thing easily... Which is why I'm asking for help. If I want to do this, I know that I can't do it alone. And I know that as soon as I'm a bit happier, or as happy as I can be with my ED and other issues, then I'll be able to get more control. I'll have more strength. Which is what I'm shooting for.
I don't even know if this makes sense... but this is what I need.
If you'd like to help, great.
If not, no worries! (:
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Last day in Paradise - First day of control
It's my last day in Hawai'i.
I'm kinda sad to go, but at the same time, I'm excited to be back home. I actually miss school. I never thought I would say that. But I do. I'm scared to go back because I'll have so much work to do, but at least it will keep me from eating. (:
The last 2 days, have been really nice. There is a gym where I'm staying at right now, and they have a lot of different machines. I went running, and I was on the stair stepper and the elliptical yesterday, but only briefly. I also weighed myself, and I was up 10.2 lbs. Which made me want to self harm, and self destruct. Somehow I managed to keep it together.
I went back down there today, and spent 3 hours there. I felt good to know that I was burning calories, and getting in shape. That I had control again. I re-weighed myself, and I had lost 4.4 lbs. Which isn't bad. It was much better. Now I just have to keep going. I can do this. I'm feeling really motivated. I didn't think I would get a chance to run while I was on vacation, so I didn't bring proper shoes. Thanks to that, I got 4 water blisters on my feet yesterday. So I have to be careful. I was careful today as well, and I'm just going to take it easy for the next few days. I get home on Tuesday.
Once these heal, I'll start running every day, or at least 5 days a week. This will be hard while I'm in Color guard, but once I'm done with that, HELL YES. I will do this. I'm hoping that I can build up endurance while it's still cold, so that as the weather warms up, I can get used to it. I want to be able to run in the summer, but I usually don't because it's too hot.
I remember mentioning that I was going to do a 5 day fast, once I got back.But a friend of mine pointed out, that thanks to my 2 weeks of eating so much, my metabolism might be back up. So if I went back to eating less than 400 a day, my body would go back into starvation mode. So... I'm sticking to 500 a day. I'm fasting Monday, then going back up to 500 a day. I can't go any higher than that though, because the thought of that makes me want to cry.
I've been a lot more emotional recently, and I can't say I like it. It's making it harder to stay in control. But, I guess it happens. I don't want to gain any muscle. I know that muscle burns more fat, but It also makes me weigh more. I swear, I can't take it.
I'm so close to breaking right now, because of all the energy and hate I've been bottling up inside. Thanks to the fact that I can't SH or do anything to help while I'm on vacation. Tomorrow, I will though. I can do this. Only 2 more days. Thanks to flying.
We have 4 flights to get home. We fly from the big island to Maui, Maui to LA, LA to Sacramento, and Sacramento to Denver. Long day in airports... and flying. Should be easy enough to fast, right?
I feel like I'm rambling.
Haha sorry. XD
I do have one more thing to say though. Cimiron was taking health at his school, and once I told him how bad things had gotten with me and Ana, he more or less decided to talk to his health teacher and tell her what I was going through. Just to see what advice she could give.
I freaked out at first, but I realized, that this woman would NEVER see me, never know me. So what did it matter?
Anyways, he was supposed to go talk to her this week. Thanks to the fact that I'm on vacation, I can't call him to find out how it went and what she said. I'm kinda anxious about it. I wish nobody knew about my ED. I am constantly on edge. What if the wrong person finds out? What do I do then?
So.. I don't know what to do about that. I keep thinking about it all the time, and so far, the only conclusion that I've come to is that I need to get rid of everyone in my life who knows about it. Then, nobody can out me. I can start fresh, and nobody would know about Ana and I. Nobody. There would be no risk.
I don't know what to do about this. Too many people know. I mean, everyone who reads this blog, they won't ever know me. So that's all fine and dandy. But there's about 6 people in my actual life that know about this. It scares the shit out of me. So I guess sometime in the future, I'm gonna be losing a lot of friends. Nothing new really.
ANYWAYS. That was not the point I was trying to make. The point I was trying to make is that I'm anxious to see about what Cimiron's health teacher said. I don't know what to do about it. She's probably just going to tell me to get help, or that I should tell someone.... But hell no. I am not telling anyone ever again. I will make this my secret again.
I will make myself secure.
I can't believe I ever let so many people know about my ED. Ana and I are a team. I can't live without her, and everyone else doesn't understand that. They just want to take her away from me.
I can't allow that.
So..... if you've read through all of this.... Good for you. I just kinda rambled there... Sorry. I kinda do that a lot... I'm working on fixing that. So bear with me please?
I'm kinda sad to go, but at the same time, I'm excited to be back home. I actually miss school. I never thought I would say that. But I do. I'm scared to go back because I'll have so much work to do, but at least it will keep me from eating. (:
The last 2 days, have been really nice. There is a gym where I'm staying at right now, and they have a lot of different machines. I went running, and I was on the stair stepper and the elliptical yesterday, but only briefly. I also weighed myself, and I was up 10.2 lbs. Which made me want to self harm, and self destruct. Somehow I managed to keep it together.
I went back down there today, and spent 3 hours there. I felt good to know that I was burning calories, and getting in shape. That I had control again. I re-weighed myself, and I had lost 4.4 lbs. Which isn't bad. It was much better. Now I just have to keep going. I can do this. I'm feeling really motivated. I didn't think I would get a chance to run while I was on vacation, so I didn't bring proper shoes. Thanks to that, I got 4 water blisters on my feet yesterday. So I have to be careful. I was careful today as well, and I'm just going to take it easy for the next few days. I get home on Tuesday.
Once these heal, I'll start running every day, or at least 5 days a week. This will be hard while I'm in Color guard, but once I'm done with that, HELL YES. I will do this. I'm hoping that I can build up endurance while it's still cold, so that as the weather warms up, I can get used to it. I want to be able to run in the summer, but I usually don't because it's too hot.
I remember mentioning that I was going to do a 5 day fast, once I got back.But a friend of mine pointed out, that thanks to my 2 weeks of eating so much, my metabolism might be back up. So if I went back to eating less than 400 a day, my body would go back into starvation mode. So... I'm sticking to 500 a day. I'm fasting Monday, then going back up to 500 a day. I can't go any higher than that though, because the thought of that makes me want to cry.
I've been a lot more emotional recently, and I can't say I like it. It's making it harder to stay in control. But, I guess it happens. I don't want to gain any muscle. I know that muscle burns more fat, but It also makes me weigh more. I swear, I can't take it.
I'm so close to breaking right now, because of all the energy and hate I've been bottling up inside. Thanks to the fact that I can't SH or do anything to help while I'm on vacation. Tomorrow, I will though. I can do this. Only 2 more days. Thanks to flying.
We have 4 flights to get home. We fly from the big island to Maui, Maui to LA, LA to Sacramento, and Sacramento to Denver. Long day in airports... and flying. Should be easy enough to fast, right?
I feel like I'm rambling.
Haha sorry. XD
I do have one more thing to say though. Cimiron was taking health at his school, and once I told him how bad things had gotten with me and Ana, he more or less decided to talk to his health teacher and tell her what I was going through. Just to see what advice she could give.
I freaked out at first, but I realized, that this woman would NEVER see me, never know me. So what did it matter?
Anyways, he was supposed to go talk to her this week. Thanks to the fact that I'm on vacation, I can't call him to find out how it went and what she said. I'm kinda anxious about it. I wish nobody knew about my ED. I am constantly on edge. What if the wrong person finds out? What do I do then?
So.. I don't know what to do about that. I keep thinking about it all the time, and so far, the only conclusion that I've come to is that I need to get rid of everyone in my life who knows about it. Then, nobody can out me. I can start fresh, and nobody would know about Ana and I. Nobody. There would be no risk.
I don't know what to do about this. Too many people know. I mean, everyone who reads this blog, they won't ever know me. So that's all fine and dandy. But there's about 6 people in my actual life that know about this. It scares the shit out of me. So I guess sometime in the future, I'm gonna be losing a lot of friends. Nothing new really.
ANYWAYS. That was not the point I was trying to make. The point I was trying to make is that I'm anxious to see about what Cimiron's health teacher said. I don't know what to do about it. She's probably just going to tell me to get help, or that I should tell someone.... But hell no. I am not telling anyone ever again. I will make this my secret again.
I will make myself secure.
I can't believe I ever let so many people know about my ED. Ana and I are a team. I can't live without her, and everyone else doesn't understand that. They just want to take her away from me.
I can't allow that.
So..... if you've read through all of this.... Good for you. I just kinda rambled there... Sorry. I kinda do that a lot... I'm working on fixing that. So bear with me please?
Saturday, February 2, 2013
The oh so random things that have been piling up in my head...
This post is gonna be kinda random... Just a heads up.
Mostly just completely odd things...
But that's how my mind works.
My dad loves to go fast.
Always has, always will.
I love it too.
The other day, I decided to just see the speeds in which he was going.
Just for shits and giggles.
Here's a few of them.. :D
He was going 50 in a 35, and at another time, he was going 70 in a 25.
LOVE the speed!!
I've also got one more day before I go home.
Just one.
We're staying at this resort... I think it's named the Sheraton Resort?
And they had a gym :D
So, while my dad decided to go take a nap, I went and ran on treadmills, other random machines and elliptical. I burned about 500 calories before I was forced to stop. I realized that I had 4 water blisters on my feet, which have been there for a while, but I only noticed them today. Only because I popped one. Otherwise, it was so nice.
I wanted to go run again tomorrow, while my dad is watching the Superbowl. I will never understand the allure of football. I don't know if I can go run tomorrow, but I might try to walk, or do some other machine, which doesn't involve standing/running on my feet. Any calories burned, is good.
I've also had a chance to weigh myself.
I was 10.2 lbs up from where I was before coming on this vacation. Ugh.
It might not have been entirely accurate, so.. I'm going to try to weigh myself again in the morning. If that fails, I'll try to eat as little as possible until 1. Which is when I'll go to the gym. I AM going tomorrow. Since it's open 24 hours, and it's free, I'm taking full advantage of that.
I am going to lose this fucking weight.
I REFUSE to stay here.
I will do this.
Ana and I are a team.
No excuses.
No mistakes.
No breaks,
I WILL DO THIS.
Next random note:
I've been learning Hawaiian while I've been here.
It's so much fun, and much better than English, in my opinion.
I haven't learned much, but here's what I know.
Alei'i means royalty. Pronounced ahlayee. If that helps.
Ahi means fire. It's pronounced how you'd think.
Wahine means girl. It's pronounced Waheeneh. (Love the spelling in the pronunciation.)
Kane means boy. There's an accent over the a, but my computer doesn't do that. It's pronounced Kahneh.
Na oli means chants. They do a lot of chanting here, or did in the past history. It's pronounced nah oleh.
Pele is the volcanic goddess. Pretty sure you can pronounce that.
Also... Just a random bit of knowledge. Here's the natives story of how Maui came to be. Ra/Ka (not 100% sure which one :( sorry.) came down from the heavens and brought the island of Maui up from the sea with his fishing hook.
Kinda weird, but that's the short version.
I so wish I could post my pictures... Soon. My dad spoke of getting a cord when we get home.
So indeed.
That wasn't as long as I expected it to be... But I guess that's good?!!?
(:
Mostly just completely odd things...
But that's how my mind works.
My dad loves to go fast.
Always has, always will.
I love it too.
The other day, I decided to just see the speeds in which he was going.
Just for shits and giggles.
Here's a few of them.. :D
He was going 50 in a 35, and at another time, he was going 70 in a 25.
LOVE the speed!!
I've also got one more day before I go home.
Just one.
We're staying at this resort... I think it's named the Sheraton Resort?
And they had a gym :D
So, while my dad decided to go take a nap, I went and ran on treadmills, other random machines and elliptical. I burned about 500 calories before I was forced to stop. I realized that I had 4 water blisters on my feet, which have been there for a while, but I only noticed them today. Only because I popped one. Otherwise, it was so nice.
I wanted to go run again tomorrow, while my dad is watching the Superbowl. I will never understand the allure of football. I don't know if I can go run tomorrow, but I might try to walk, or do some other machine, which doesn't involve standing/running on my feet. Any calories burned, is good.
I've also had a chance to weigh myself.
I was 10.2 lbs up from where I was before coming on this vacation. Ugh.
It might not have been entirely accurate, so.. I'm going to try to weigh myself again in the morning. If that fails, I'll try to eat as little as possible until 1. Which is when I'll go to the gym. I AM going tomorrow. Since it's open 24 hours, and it's free, I'm taking full advantage of that.
I am going to lose this fucking weight.
I REFUSE to stay here.
I will do this.
Ana and I are a team.
No excuses.
No mistakes.
No breaks,
I WILL DO THIS.
Next random note:
I've been learning Hawaiian while I've been here.
It's so much fun, and much better than English, in my opinion.
I haven't learned much, but here's what I know.
Alei'i means royalty. Pronounced ahlayee. If that helps.
Ahi means fire. It's pronounced how you'd think.
Wahine means girl. It's pronounced Waheeneh. (Love the spelling in the pronunciation.)
Kane means boy. There's an accent over the a, but my computer doesn't do that. It's pronounced Kahneh.
Na oli means chants. They do a lot of chanting here, or did in the past history. It's pronounced nah oleh.
Pele is the volcanic goddess. Pretty sure you can pronounce that.
Also... Just a random bit of knowledge. Here's the natives story of how Maui came to be. Ra/Ka (not 100% sure which one :( sorry.) came down from the heavens and brought the island of Maui up from the sea with his fishing hook.
Kinda weird, but that's the short version.
I so wish I could post my pictures... Soon. My dad spoke of getting a cord when we get home.
So indeed.
That wasn't as long as I expected it to be... But I guess that's good?!!?
(:
Friday, February 1, 2013
February!!
It seems like everyone is making posts about it being February. A new month.
A new start.
Which is all fine and dandy, I can agree it feels good to enter a new month. :D
But I have my own reasons for loving February!! And here they are. (:
1. Getting closer to Spring, where it isn't so cold!!! ^_^
2. MY BIRTHDAY. That's right. I have a birthday, in 12 days!!! I'mma be 17. That's right. ^_-
3. It's one month closer to July, which hopefully I will be able to see Cimiron in.
4. I'm in Hawaii!!! And I have an amazing tan, in the middle of WINTER!
5. I feel stronger, more in control. I can do this, and I will do this. Nothing can stand in my way. <3
I have more reasons than this, but these are my top 5. I'll update as I think of more..
 |
| This is how I feel right now. (: |
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