Update

So, I'm 20 now. 20 years old. I don't like it at all, I am not ready to be that old yet...

On my birthday I had to work. I didn't really mind it actually. I was kind of happy to be there as the day wasn't to happy for me to begin with. While I was ringing up a customer, one of my coworkers came up to me and told me happy birthday. I hadn't told anyone, b it I guess they just put it up on the board in the employee lounge. So I politely responded and the customer (who was buying flowers) told me to charge her for another rose that I could pick up when I got off as a birthday present. I tried to decline but in the end I brought a flower home. I tried to do everything right... and it's already dead. Oh well.

That guy I mentioned in my last post has begun texting me. I ended up burning a bowl with him and I guess he took that as friendship and has begun to text me. I don't know why he has my phone number after all these years, but whatever. I haven't saved his, and I don't want my bf to see the messages because he always assumes the worst. And really, I want nothing to do with this douchbag. He texted me this morning asking if I was working, and so I said probably and asked why. He just responded with telling me where he was chilling. Later in the day I texted him back (now I'm wondering why the fuck I did that) and said I was going to smoke a cigarette and he decided to meet me out there. My coworker came to join me shortly after that because he was on his lunch break and while I was talking to my coworker I mentioned getting a tattoo soon but needing to work out the design, except I can't draw. And C offered to draw it for me, so I sent him the pic and asked him to draw it for me while explaining what I wanted. So now I have to talk to him YET AGAIN to get this tattoo design if I want it... but after that I dunno what to do. It's nice to have someone to talk to sometimes but at the same time I know if my bf ever found out that I was talking to him or hiding it from him, he would flip. And I care more about my bf than I do C.

Anyways, on another note...my coworker just randomly gave me a box of thin mint cookies and I am so so tempted to eat them. But god, if I do I will have to take lax and it's already 11pm and now I'm starting to panic because I wanted to take lax tonight but my dumb ass got too stoned and now it's late. I could still take them but I also want to go get wax in the morning and that would be a risk because I don't know what time we would be doing that or if they will have kicked in by then.

I have been really struggling with urges to harm myself. It's getting bad, I honestly surprise myself with the fact that I haven't relapsed yet. Fuck man, I want to. And I can't even tell my bf that I'm feeling shitty enough to want to relapse.
I don't know what else to say, really. Work is okay, I have fewer hours next week so I'm trying to pick up a few more shifts. My anxiety is a constant as usual.

But on the outside, everything is good. Everything is always good

On the outside.

The Story

So I finally reregistered myself for school about a week ago. It was stressful to be back in that building with people who knew me almost two years ago. It brings flashbacks for me and it reminds me how behind I am from where I should be. I mean, I know everyone has their own pace, but this is one of the things that really gets to me. I think it always will.
I tried to be in and out of the school, and ended up being unable to make it to work that day. I explained to my instructor that I work full time and that school is going to have to be mostly online so that it doesn't interfere with my work... and he said it was basically fine but that I was required to show up once a week for an hour in that school. I agreed then and there, but needless to say I didn't even go last week.
So far I have only completed one assignment and I was gonna wait to see if it had been graded yet so I could see if I was doing well enough or not. I got the full score on the assignment and since then I just can't stop thinking about how I have to have it finished by April. Doesn't seem so hard, but having already failed once I wonder if I will fail again. And I don't know what I will do if I can't finish it.

I told my manager about registering for school and he switched my schedule. Now I work all through the weekends and the week aside from Wednesday and Thursday. I hope it doesn't end up seeming like a longer week, because right now I just want everything to happen as fast as possible. I haven't actually spoken to anyone recently. Sure, I have some conversations over text, I might send a message or two here, but nobody every really replies back enough for it to be conversation which is why I am writing here. There's so much I want to say, to tell someone, anyone. But there's really nobody here to listen, not that I blame them. I am selfish and all I ever want to do is talk about myself. I would get tired of me too.

On another note, the other day I was working and I saw C. C is basically the fuckboy I was with before I met my bf. If you don't remember, he was the one who told me he couldn't ever love me because his heart belonged to someone else. He also is the one that I was with when I began getting flashbacks. I was basically his booty call, and he was mine. It was so unhealthy and unhappy and I am glad now that I got out of that cycle. However, I saw him at work the other day. He was just standing by the liquor store smoking a cigarette and he looked up and said "so it is you" I just kind of looked away and kept working, and then he proceeded to follow me and ask if I was still upset about what happened between us. I told him it wasn't worth the effort to hold a grudge but that if I were to stop and talk to him I would get bitched at my manager. He said he understood, but then I watched him go sit in the lobby for about 5 hours. Doing what, I don't know. But I know he was there, and I guessed right when I said he would be back. He came back yesterday, and I just ran away and made sure he wouldn't see me working that day. I don't know what to feel about it. Because now he knows I work there, which is just one more thing I have to deal with.

Today is my only day off, but my boyfriend has to work. I feel so fucking lonely all the fucking time, and I just want it to go away.
I don't even fit in with other fuckups like me, because they don't even want to talk to me. I wish I understood why it is so hard to communicate. It isn't for lack of trying on my part, but nobody ever responds. Maybe I am just not interesting, because I have tried literally everything I can think of to try to make at least one friend, and I have none.
I have worked at my job for months now, and still I barely say anything to my coworkers that doesn't have to do with work. Even the ones that are my age. I thought I had made a friend, but now I see that it was only temporary because, like everyone else, she never responds to my texts anymore or wants to hang out. It can't be them. It has to be me.
So what am I meant to do?

I broke my epen yesterday at work, it fell out of my back pocket and hit the pavement just right. It shattered the glass of the tank, but luckily that was all that broke. I had a replacement glass that came when I bought the pen, so I was able to fix it.

I have literally done nothing productive today. I was supposed to do school since it's my day off but god I feel so fucking numb today. It's hard to focus, this same assignment is taking me forever. I hate economics.

I found out also that one of my best guy friends, well, like my only friend here is dying, but he refuses to see a doctor because he doesn't have insurance. How rediculous is that? I mean, I get it but at some point you have to say fuck it and deal with it anyways. When he told me that I burst out crying, which my dad then opened the bathroom door not knowing I was in there and asked if I wanted food. When I said no, he just shut the door and left. I mean, it didn't even make him blink to see me sitting on the floor crying in the bathroom. Alright.
Just more proof that I mean nothing to nobody.

I might try to take a nap honestly, I don't want to exist anymore and no matter what I do it sucks. I am tired. Just tired.
I don't even know where I was going with this post, or why I write here. It's just empty words on a screen.
The story of my pathetic life.