Rant

Why is it that everything that might even slightly possibly work out for me, goes to shit?

I fucking hate being told that I am not "trying hard enough". It makes me want to just try less and only makes me angrier.

My boyfriend got a job pretty easily, working in a warehouse, making good money. So for me to struggle in getting a job, what it must look like.
I am not someone he should want to spend the rest of his life with. I am not stable. I do not deserve him.
With every day that goes by, I panic more and more.
My anxiety level increases, and my dpresson gets worse. I just want to fade away. To not exist.
I want to starve and cut until there is nothing left of me.

If I so much as say any of this to him, I feel like he would call me melodramatic, or tell me that I am just like my mom. That I am seeing these results because I don't have the incentive.
Which is not helpful in the least. It only makes me angrier, which pushes him away more and more.
Am I destined to lose him? The last good thing in my life?

Eating is definitely out of the question for as long as it takes me to get a job.
My grandma also pointed out to me that my dad is changing his attitude and that she is so happy about this change. According to her, she only has a few more years and wants everyone in her family to be happy and wll. She wants me to fix my relationship with my dad, and I can't. I just can't. I don't want to he in this house anymore. I don't want to be around my family, as all I seem to do is make them unhappy.

Woo! (: 10/26/14

1 cup of romaine lettuce (lettuce only) = 12
1/4 tomato = 6
1 egg white = 15
2 oz crutons = 35
Total = 68
Exercise - 82
Net - -14

Nutrion:
2g fat
146g sodium
85g potassium
7g carbs
5g protien

I gained .2lbs yesterday, no doubt in food weight. I took laxatives last night and this morning I weighed 1.2lbs less. I am happy, but I still want to lose more.
A friend of mine who used to weigh more than me now weighs less and it's so triggering. I have to be skinnier than her. I have to be.

Yes!

I weighed in this morning and I had lost 3.2 lbs since my last weigh-in. I am so proud of myself. Just gotta keep going. I think a low calorie-high protein salad will have to start being my main source of food. Maybe, just maybe, I am not a failure after all.

Afraid To Jinx It?

This morning when I woke up I was super dehydrated. Or I felt like it anyways. I went upstairs to find something to drink and the only thing besides water was lemonade. So I poured a small glass of that and chugged it to give myself a little bit of sugar since I had errands to run.

Since then I haven't eaten anything, and I haven't even felt like smoking (like I usually do to suppress my appetite). Today has been absolutely perfect.

With that being said, I have a habit of jinxing myself, and fucking things up just when I say they are going well.
My boyfriend left to go to work a couple of hours ago, and that's when I usually start binging, for whatever reason.
Instead of doing that though, I have kept myself out of the kitchen by pretty much locking myself in the basement.

I. Will. Not. Eat. I. Will. Not. Eat. I. Will. Not. Eat.

My stomach is grumbling super loudly because it is hungry applauding my self control.
I will not eat.

On a side note, someone called me "healthy" today. I know that isn't meant to be an insult, but my mind immediately translates that to fat. It was extremely triggering.
So I wrote my last weight on my hand in big numbers, so that I would be able to look at it and know how disgusting I am and why I shouldn't eat. Tomorrow morning when I weigh, it HAS to be lower than that. I don't know what I will do if it hasn't or if I have gained. I just can't take it anymore.

I guess the one plus side to my boyfriend working during the evenings is that he can't try to get me to eat. And if I tell him that I ate, he won't know the difference. This is the prime time to lose weight, no excuses. Everything is perfect, now the only thing holding me back is myself.

My grandparents were talking about going to the store, to get food for dinner tonight. I asked them to get croutons (like what goes in a salad) and a few other low calorie items so that if I do have to eat dinner with them tonight, at least I can make a salad with few calories or just eat a few croutons and maybe not feel so guilty. I am still gonna aim to eat nothing though. I need to get lower in weight. So that I never have to be called "healthy" again.
I will update in the morning after I weigh in.

Wish me luck. Xx

I have been being kinda super bitchy this last week or so, and it has caused me so many issues. Fighting with my boyfriend to the point that we almost broke up.
Feeling like I am gonna snap.
I punched an entertainment center last night because I needed to hit something and release some of the anger. Apparently not enough, I guess.

Still trying to get a job, hopefully I will know by the end of today if I got it or not... I just wanna know already! My anxiety is killing me.

I faceplanted off of my porch and tore my jeans, gave myself two bruises, and a few other minor injuries. Ugh, it sucks. I feel like a walking hazard.

My weight still isn't budging. I don't know what I can do to make it budge, other than taking laxatives. I guess I will give it a try.
Mentally, these days, I am just trying to survive. I don't remember when things got hard again, but they have and I am not dealing well.
I will update more later.

Fucked

I feel so worthless.
Like a failure.
Like I am fat.
Like people shouldn't be around me because I am so negative.
Like a waste of space.
Like I wish I didn't exist.
Like I am not trying hard enough.
Like everything is my fault.
Like I am pathetic.
Like I am not worth the time of day.
Like my existience is too much.
I just want to disappear today.

I don't want to breathe.
Think.
Function.
I want to run and hide and wait till tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
But today just isn't good enough.
I feel hostile.
Like it's a mask to hide all of this.
To not let people know what is going on.
Like I don't want to burden them yet again.
Like I can't let anyone in.
I feel violent.
Like I am gonna snap..
I feel too much.
I just want to be numb.
Empty.
But I fucked that up too.

Stress, Stress, and More Stress

Today was definitely not the best day.

I am so full of stress and anxiety, and I feel like I am about to snap. But I am trying to hold it together.

I don't even know where to start.

I went to my mom's this morning to try to get some stuff I had asked her to store for me and she made it into this huge deal about it like I was the biggest fucking inconvenience that could possibly enter her life.

So I got what I wanted and then I left. She told me to take the trunks that she had stored my stuff in and that she didn't want it anymore. I told her I would have to come back because neither of the trunks were small enough to fit into my boyfriend's car. Then she texted me later in the day saying that "Let me apologize. [personal information relating to why she was so bitchy] It's a bad day all around." and so I apologized as well. Then she said "I love you so much and yet I seem to push you away. Fuck I am so sorry for not being able to be normal." So I asked my dad to borrow his truck at about 5:30pm, and I told her that I was coming to get my things. She basically refused to let me come get them, and by this point I was so fed up with everything. I went up there anyways, and I got a police officer to come with me, if for no other reason than to ensure that I got my things. The police officer basically told me that she couldn't help me.

I knocked on the door for a while, and one of her dogs was barking. I knew she was sitting in the kitchen with her SO, and eventually the barking stopped. Which meant that I knew she was right there at the front door, but I couldn't open it. I then went to the police station and tried talking to another officer and he basically said he couldn't help me.

Then my mom said that she would put my shit outside and leave it for me to come get it, which is so dumb because my dad has to work until about 4 every day and he is the only one I know who has a truck. It's just more stress than I need.

She decides whether she likes me or not on a daily basis, and I can't seem to keep up. I can't keep dealing with this. I am pretty determined to get my shit and basically cut her out of my life. For my own sake.

Due to being out of work recently, I have been applying for jobs without much luck.

I wrote that I had an interview, and I went. It went well, and I was basically guaranteed a job, as long as the drug test came back negative. I am still waiting to hear about that, but then my boyfriend applied for a job at the same location except overnight. He got scheduled for an interview tomorrow as well, and I don't know how to feel about that. Working overnight, he makes at least a dollar more than I do per hour, but I seem to be having a hard time coping with the fact that I won't ever see him if he works during the night and I during the day. It fucking sucks, but at this point I am just happy that we both have jobs. We have decided to save up to buy a new car, versus finding somewhere here to live.

Both he and I want to move out of state, preferably to somewhere further NW of here, or somewhere that has more rain than we usually get here. That's my perfect time, and it is the perfect excuse to get out of Colorado. I don't hate it here, but I have lived here my entire life and I am tired of it. I want to be somewhere else.

We took out two loans as well, so that we would have a little bit of money for food and gas and whatnot. I wrote it down today, totaling the amount we would have to pay back, starting on October 9th. I don't have the money, and therefore I am freaking out because I WILL have the money, but I have to start work first.

Payday for working at this job is ever Thursday, and for ever 1040 hours I work, I get a raise. That might not sound like a lot, but it is. It adds up. So I WILL have the money for it, but not right now. I have king of exhausted asking my family for help, because they no longer want to help me. My grandparents are letting my boyfriend and I stay at their house, on the condition that we sleep separately. So far, we have gotten around that. But how much longer will that last?

They don't know anything about my life. I didn't tell them when I was going to the interview, and I didn't tell them that I am trying to get a car. They have no idea that I am planning on moving out of state, and I don't plan on telling them either. They don't know anything about my life, and while it sucks, I don't think I could handle being shot down as I know they would do. So I have to figure out a way to do this all on my own,

I have my boyfriend, but I feel like he is just as clueless as I am. Like where do we go? How do we start building credit, without getting a credit card? There are so many questions I have that I just can't answer. He doesn't seem to be stressing about this nearly as bad as I am, but I don't know how to stop. I so desperately want to do this right, not to fuck everything up as I am so keen on doing. But I feel like I am clueless, trying to do this on my own.

Then there is the whole aspect of my ED. My weight isn't budging, and I am getting desperate again. I stopped doing M, for my boyfriend. But also because I know what it does to me. But I am getting to the point that I want to do it again, no matter the effects. Just because I don't know how much longer I can do this. My boyfriend has straight up told me that if I were to get back into doing drugs he would break up with me because he loves me and doesn't want to see me destroy myself like that. I understand that entirely, and I am glad he loves me. But I don't know if he can understand that I don't care what I do to myself, as long as I don't have to live in this body another day. Something has to change. He tried to get me to eat today, but I didn't eat much. I had a few chips at the glances of my family, because they seemed to be getting suspicious that I was not eating at all during the day. Other than that, I had about a half of a bowl of ramen, which I wanted to purge but didn't get the opportunity to. Still not good enough.

I still want to fast for the next couple of days, but when I do that I tend to smoke a lot, and with not having started my job yet, I don't know if I can afford it. But I just know that I cannot keep doing this. I have to do something. So I think I am going to give it a shot. No fucks given.

Tomorrow morning I am supposed to get up to my mom's to get my stuff while my boyfriend is at his interview. I am not sure how that is going to go, and I don't want to even go up there. But I don't have a choice, because as long as she has my things she has a reason to talk to me. If I can get them back, then I can just ignore her as I used to. Oh, and did I mention that my dad is full of "I told you so" looks because he spent my entire childhood telling me that my mom was going to fuck me over and I didn't believe him. Lo and behold, it is happening.

I just want it to stop.

No Title

I am so anxious right now.
Today was not a good day.
I ate so much more than I should have. And too many things that I can't take back.
I get more and more anxious about this interview. I have to pass a drug test and I smoked today so I just hope I can pass it.
I weighed myself today and the number was so not what I was expecting. Maybe that's why I binged. I want to cut but I know I would cut deeply. Therefore I cannot do such a thing.

I asked my grandparents for $20, so I would have gas to get to my interview on Monday. I didn't want to ask them. I feel so guilty, but I felt guiltier when I didn't. My dad used to always ask them for money. I don't want to be like him, and maybe that's why I didn't want to ask. I hate it.
I felt anxious when my brother showed up because his girlfriend, him, and her kid were eating food my grandparents made for dinner and they were running errands and hadn't eaten yet. I didn't want to say anything, but I wanted to he sure they had enough to eat. Which lead to guilt that I shouldn't have eaten because that would have been food they could eat. I don't know why I immediately resorted to that line of thinking. But that is always how it used to be, in my family. There wasn't always enough, so I usually compensated with food I should have eaten. But I guess even other situations that relate to food make me uncomfortable.

I have been staying at my grandparents house too. Until I can get this job. I feel guilty for that, because I often feel bad being around my family since I am so different and they know pretty much nothing about my life. I try to be as helpful as I can and my bofriend does too, but I always feel as if I am not doing enough. But I couldn't even tell you what I WOULD consider "doing enough".

When I fast, I feel like I am never hungry enough. Not that there is such thing as "hungry enough", but I guess in my mind, there is. It doesn't make sense to me. I never feel lile I am making enough progress. I smoke a lot more than I should, and this high anxiety only fuels my need to smoke. Smoking to me relieves some of my anxiety, if only temporarily.

I want to be away from here, but where would I go? I have absolutely nowhere to go. I want to get out of Colorado, but no way to do that.
I feel powerless. I feel like I am just waiting. I feel more hopeless than I have felt in a long time, and that is always a trigger to cut. I want to burn. Those aren't so noticeable, if I do it right. I wonder if my boyfriend would notice?

I am so tired of being conscious and aware of how much of a fuck up I am. I wish I could sleep, but my brother and company are still awake less than 30 feet from me. And so I get even more anxious. I wish I had sleeping pills. So I could fade from reality when things got to be too much.
Like now.
Aye.

Mayday.
Mayday.
Woman down.
No more.

Maybe?

Today I started a plan to restrict to very few foods regardless of their nutritional content.
My safe foods are:
Chicken noodle soup (75 cals)
Croutons (5 cals)
Bananas (45 cals)

Initially I ate more than that, with a food intake of 475, but I walked my dogs, played catch, and walked some more.. After factoring in my exercise, I ended with a net of 95. Perfect.
I only messed up once after that, with 380 cals which I then purged. So I am still at the perfect 95 cals for the day.

Tomorrow I begin fasting again, to make up for today.
The only things I am allowed are chicken noodle soup if I must (75), and 9 croutons (45).  This way I can atone for today and still restrict tomorrow.

Right now I am staying at my grandparents since it is so cold outside. I definitely don't like it, but I am willing to accept it... temporarily. I won't stayhere longer than I have to.

I have a job interview on the 6th. I have a drug test to pass. Which shouldn't be hard but I am gonna stop burning trees for two days (better safe than sorry).
I am trying to lose as much weight as possible before the interview.
Annnd not mich else.
I want to move to another state because I am tired of the one I am in, but I have to be patient.
I hope tomorrow goes better. Just gotta stay busy.