I won't give up (Even if I want to)

Today has just been an eh day.

I was supposed to hang out with my friend, but those plans fell through. So I decided to go to the store and buy a muffin. I wasn't hungry, but I knew I would be later, and I didn't want to eat what we had or would go get. Because it's all bad for you!
I didn't want to spend the rest of the night hating myself for eating badly. So I got a muffin. Not bad. Had more calories than I would have liked, but as I ate less than I'm supposed to today, it can't hurt.
So I've eaten for the day, now I don't have to worry about it. I tried to get homework done today, and I have a project to turn in, as well as a book club project for English, which I have to give to someone to turn in, because I won't be in school for the next week.

Yup. I have Outdoor Lab, and I have to go on Monday.
I.
AM.
TERRIFIED.
I want to just say no, I don't want to do that, but that would mean a failing grade, and that's something I can't have. I need this for my GPA and for the community service hours. Woo for self-imposed pressure!
I am trying to distract myself, but nope. No solace to be found. I have to get a whole bunch of stuff for it tomorrow, and my dad doesn't want to do it yet, which means I can't pack. And I have to be there at 6:45 am on Monday, so that means I have to get up at like 5 or 5:30. NOT looking forward to that. But it's only a week. I just have to keep repeating that.

Now here's for the fucked up part. And I wouldn't admit this to anyone, but it is my blog, and it's for my thoughts, so I shall write. One of the good things about going to Outdoor Lab is that I can't be "forced" to eat anything. I can choose to eat, or not to eat. And I will probably choose the latter. I haven't weighed myself the past like 2 weeks, so I don't know if I've gone up or down, which makes me really anxious.
What also makes me anxious, is that if I decide to write in a notebook while I'm up there, what happens if someone reads it? I know it's stupid, but the thought of someone reading it scares the shit out of me.

Why can't I just be okay?
Why can't I be normal?

I don't want to be around any of my friends, not even my BEST FRIEND because I feel like I'm too negative, like she's tired of hearing me feel like shit. Like it's my fault. Who am I kidding?? It IS my fault. So that's why nobody wants to be around me.
I don't even want to be around myself. I don't deserve the amazing family and friends I have. Okay, they all suck... but you get what I mean. I don't even know. I wish I could just go away.
I feel so down, so frustrated about everything. I don't want to be around people, but at the same time, I wish I could be around someone without getting so irritated over the smallest thing, because then it'd take my mind off of everything, if only for a little while.

I feel so attention seeking, even though I don't think I am. I don't even know. Maybe there's something wrong with me.
I wrote a poem yesterday, the first time I've written in over 6 months. Or written because I WANTED TO not because I HAD TO. It wasn't a happy poem, but it had to do with my mood. So I guess I can't say too much. I might post it here, if Antoine's interested.
Though after the last few weeks, It's a wonder that anyone would care to read my blog. Or that anyone would care enough to even comment. Or support me.
I thought about the cycle of life and death yesterday and the past week. How life is something that's supposed to prepare you for whatever is after you die, but at the same time, everyone says that after you die, things get better.
It's interesting that people would think of it that way.

I may want to give up, but some part of me must not want to, because I keep finding a reason to fight, even if I don't know what that means.
I haven't been running in like 2 weeks, I can't seem to find the energy or the motivation. I just want to be alone, but I don't at the same time. Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? Maybe.
So this totally turned into a ramble, wow. Just wow. Congrats if you made it through all of this.
I might try to go for a run tonight. Maybe that'll help.

This here is one of my BEST FRIENDS. She has not always stood by my side, but she will always be my best friend. She also saved my life, and for that, I owe her over and over again. I don't know where I'd be without her. <3

One last hope

The other day, I told one of my friends that never really knew about my ED. She pretty much told me that I should go talk to a counselor, here at my school. Because they might be able to listen. I pretty much outright told her: NO! I was scared to let her in, because she's an authoritative figure, she has the power to put me in a treatment facility, tell my family, something that I couldn't let happen.

So I went there yesterday, and basically told her what was going on, like everything, but not as if it was about me. I told her what was going on, but as if it was happening to my friend. And she listened, pretty much told me that I should watch out for her to be suicidal, because that could become a possibility. I am not suicidal, I just feel more resigned. Like I don't want anything to happen anymore. I just want to be okay. And she told me that there were some groups and things I could go to, that would be an option for me to talk to some people who are going through the same things as I am.

I wasn't too sure about that, and I sure as hell didn't want to tell her it was me that was going through all the problems. But when I went back today, something "Clicked" and I wanted to tell her that it was about me, and that I was the one who needed help. So I did. And she just said that she had pretty much guessed, that she wasn't expecting me to tell her, and that all she wanted to do was help me. My big issue was that I didn't want anyone else to know, so she basically said that unless it threatened the lives of me or others, nothing I said would be retold to anyone else. That made a huge difference, and we've decided that I'll go there to talk to her at least once a week, and that if I needed to, I could go there more than that, just to talk.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, because I've pretty much given up on any idea of help. I don't know if she can help me get better, if she can help me get over my ED. Can she? That's why I don't exactly want to go back, but I'll give it a try. I guess something in me isn't ready to give up. Something is continuing to fight. And that's not a bad thing. I just need to take it one day at a time, or one situation at a time. And I can do this. I have a year and a half, and if it's not better, then I'm going to have to accept that I can't do it on my own. That I might actually need help.

And I want to. I am ready. For what, I don't know. I still don't have as much hope, it still feels redundant, I'm still scared to talk to her, to let her in. But I've got the option to pull out and say no if needed. Which is something more than I had before, so it counts. All my friends here can fuck off, as far as supporting me in my recovery, because I no longer want them to help. They have proven that they don't give a fuck.

And then last night, it took A LOT of courage.... but I told Cimiron everything. Everything that's happened in the last few days. I told him about the role my friends played, the thoughts that went through my head, and pretty much everything I could think of, despite my embarrassment, and my shame. He just listened, and didn't judge. He didn't say anything either. He didn't try to tell me that it would be okay, that I could do this. he didn't say I had to do it on my own, or anything of the sort. And that was great, I think.

I had a meeting for Outdoor Lab today, got to meet the kids. And I have to say, that helped a lot with my anxiety over going. It still feels like a lot of responsibility, maybe more than I can handle. But for the first time since I signed up, I feel like I can do it. Like it's not impossible. And I have to admit, I might just be the least bit excited. Just a little. We have another meeting tomorrow about it, and then I leave on Monday, and I get back on Friday in the afternoon. It's going to be good, I think. Guess I'll find out. And I do really think that this will do me good, even if it's just giving me time to focus on other kids, not myself.

Now it's just time to catch up on a shit ton of homework, that I've been neglecting for the last 2 weeks. Plus, when I get back, I'm going to have a lot of make up work to do, but I know I can do it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to write all about it when I get back, if anyone's interested. Or maybe I'll just write about it because I want to. That's what I always do, isn't it? Things are starting to feel the slightest bit better again, even if it IS only temporary. It's better than nothing.

So that's what I'm going to hold onto. And head into tomorrow. (: I was given this life and these troubles because I AM strong enough to live it. Just gotta remember that. One day a time. I can do it. I will. I am me.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

Today isn't much better than last night was, but at the same time it is?
It's confusing.

I'm still confused, scared, pissed off, and everything that I was last night, but it's more scaled back. I can tell that today is going to just be a "Leave me alone" day. And that's fine.

I don't even know how to put it in words what's in my head. It's all just kinda... there.
Ever feel like that?

I'm hoping that later today I'll have the energy to run, as I think that might help. I just haven't felt up to it in the last week or so. Which is horrible. Kinda. I know it is good to take a break, because that will help with not being obsessed, but at the same time, I don't want to take a break. I just want to keep going and going and going. Is that bad? Of course it's bad.

I really miss talking to Cimiron, or him being here. I mean, at least when I can talk to him, it's somewhat better. But I don't know that I want to talk to him right now because I'm ashamed. Scared. Of what? Not sure. I don't want him to worry about me, or anything. Though of course, it's not like he won't ever find out. He reads my blog, I think. Most of it anyways. Which is fine. So he'll know, but if I can "Fake it till I make it" then it'll be better, easier to deal with. I don't even know if that makes sense.
I've never been one to take judgement or criticism badly. I usually just deal with it, and improve. But with this it's different. I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want him to judge me. I know he won't, because he isn't that kind of person. He'd just try to help me. Only I don't know if he can. And I don't know if I want to bring him into this.
Great... I'm pushing away the very person that could probably help me without intentionally helping me. He inspired me to keep fighting for "Recovery" and to get better. He listens to everything I say, even when it's just ranting, babbling, idiotic, rants. He still listens and even when I'm in a bad mood, he finds a way to make me smile.

I kinda want to go outside, just scream. Run, scream, cry, jump, punch a wall, anything really. Just to get my energy out. There's this stupid voice inside of me and when I rationalize talking to someone about what's going on, or if I'm stressed out, or just normal Teenage Things, this stupid voice is like "No. Don't talk to them. They've got their own problems to deal with. They don't need to be burdened by yours. Besides, you should be strong enough and independent enough to get over it. It' little. You're making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Stop it." Arrrrrrrrrggggh!!!! I know it's stupid, and that I shouldn't listen to it. But it works about 98% of the time, and then I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to stay at my dad's but then again, I do. Part of me can't stop wanting a dad, but whatever. That part doesn't matter. It's just hard to stay mad at him when he's trying. He asked me if I wanted to go to a Brit Floyd concert on Friday. I said sure. Little things like that. Him reaching out to me.
But I don't know if I'm ready to forgive him, because he won't talk about anything. He just kinda accepts everything and acts like it's okay. Well it's not. But who am I to tell him otherwise? My lifestyle and eating patterns are back to the way they've always been, when I was there. I know for a fact that that isn't helping anything, but I don't want to leave, because then I feel like I'm blowing him off. And I can't confront him. I don't want a confrontation. I dunno. My head is a mess.

Pictures!

I am able to post the pictures I took of the party thing we had for upperclassmen last Thursday. It's a bit late, I know, but I loved it and wanted to share it! So here they are!

This is the Weight Training teacher. :D

I also had some pictures from when I hung outwith Kassidy! We tried on a few dresses, and I took a picture of one I really liked. :D

This is my homecoming dress. I love it, even with my weight. :D

I am completely in love with this leather jacket. I didn't think I would be, but it's amazing and now I want it :D I don't know why I want it so much, I just do.

So much to say!

My computer doesn't seem to want to be working lately.... Like it won't load my blog. So I haven't been able to write. I can't even use it for schoolwork.... WHY??? I need to do some catching up on other blogs... but that will have to be tomorrow.
Anyways, Friday night was bad. I pretty much exploded, spent 3 hours crying because I was so mad, since it seems that everyone is either blowing me off, supporting my Bulimic habits, or just telling me "Get over it"... It's like nobody gives a shit that I'm struggling to beat this, that I'm having some problems. I do believe I am in a relapse.... And I'm so pissed off at myself, at other people, it's like by purging it's getting back at them. So incorrect, I know. But emotionally that's what it feels like which is why I can't stop. But at the same time, I wish with everything I have that I COULD BE NORMAL OR BETTER OR OKAY OR HEALTHY. I don't know.
I hate being at my dad's, it's EXACTLY like it was before I left. And part of that is what's contributing to my ED. I don't even really want to talk to anyone because I'm so ashamed. I don't want to bring anyone down, or cause them worry. I don't deserve to talk to anyone... or whatever. I don't know. I feel like I've let myself down and some other people, but at the same time. I guess that's all I'm good for. And on the bright side, I've finally stopped asking for help from people who don't give a fuck... which is pretty much everyone. The only one who seems to care is Cimiron, and some of the people I've met through this blog, like Kendel, and Sarah. Still. But I don't really want to talk to anyone, because I'm afraid to admit what's happening. And honestly, it's starting to feel like everyone is my enemy, and I'm scared. I don't even know.
Thursday was so much fun, I got to watch teachers get pied, and I even got to throw a pie at one of my teachers. I took some wonderful pics, but I can't post them here, because my computer won't let me. Gonna have to do it tomorrow. There was a party type thing for upperclassmen, and I got to hang out with my friends. It was a blast. Last night I spent the night at Kassidy's, and we had so much fun. We had mud masks, painted our nails, blasted music, watched movies, played games, went to the mall, and ran down Colfax. :D haha it was so much fun! Just what I needed!! Well, for yesterday anyways.
School is starting to be stressing again, and I'm also stressing about next week, as I have Outdoor Lab. What if I'm not good enough, or I screw up? I know I'm not really expected to be perfect, as it's my first time, but still. I want to do well. I get to meet the kids on Wednesday, so that might help a little.
I haven't had much time to run lately, maybe that's just what I need. But it feels like I don't have any time to run. I ran a little when I broke down on Friday night, but it didn't have the calming effect I needed. I think things will be a little better after I get back from Outdoor Lab, since that seems to be a major source of stress. Plus I'll be able to get away from my dad's that week too, so maybe that'll do me some good. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Not sure.
But I'm going to make the best of my Sunday night, listen to music, clean, do chores, maybe some homework, and catch up on sleep since I have to get up early tomorrow. Woo. Yay for Monday's! I think. I rather like Wednesdays, because I start school really late, and I get to sleep in. It's pretty nice.
Hope everyone is doing good, or at least somewhat. ^_^

Today!

Today was great! Though weird.... Allow me to explain.
I only had 3 classes today which were Psych, Chem, and History.
In Psych, we got to watch a movie, in Chem, we got to do a lab, and then in History we did a worksheet but then got to leave early, as there was a party in which only upperclassmen. Yay for being a Junior!

I got some free food and I got to hang out with friends, and I got to leave school about an hour early, who could object?!? And since I don't have any homework, I have the night to just read and listen to music, go for a run, enjoy my life. And since it's almost Friday, I'm in a really good mood!

I haven't spent much time in my head today, which is great! And it was sunny outside, so I got to sit outside. I'm currently reading a wonderful book, but I forgot the name, so I can't say what it is. I love when I have a good book and it's nice outside and I can just sit there and read. Or if I have good music. I'm still looking for new music... if anyone has any suggestions. (:

Today is a wonderful and amazing day, and now I'm off to go for a run, eat some yogurt, and also to enjoy my night!

Meh! Happy days! ^_^

Mirror, mirror

If I told you everything in my head, you'd think I'm insane. That is, if you don't already.
Sometimes I don't even know what goes on in my head, but a lot of the time, I can ignore it. I guess I'm just..... confused. Yeah, that's it.

I don't know what I want, how to get there. I don't know if I can, or if I've unconsciously given up. I wish there was someone who could help me figure out whats in my head, but nope. That's humanity for you.

"Mirror mirror, on the wall,
Have I got it?
Cuz mirror you've always told me, who I am.
I'm finding it's not easy,
To be perfect..."

"Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you?
I don't need to listen to the list of things I should be,
I won't try, I won't try."
(Mirror by BarlowGirl)

These lyrics can only inspire me for so long. Even now as I write this, I don't want to post it because I'm afraid of being judged. But if I can't even post my own thoughts on my own blog, then what have I? So I guess I'll post this post after all.

I am still so confused. So lost. So messed up. So angry. So sad. I'm embarrassed that I'm still feeling this way, because it's like I should have already gotten over it. I am so tired of being negative. I am so sorry. But I'm not sorry for what I can't be, more sorry for not being strong enough. I feel like everyone can do it. But not me. I don't know how. Like I missed something. Why? I'm just so confused.

Thoughts.

I don't even know what I want. Or how to get there. I don't know if I can.
I know I have to. People depend on me, I can't be weak.
I just want to be happy, and i'm not sure how to do that when i'm so pissed off at everything.
Even as i'm writing this out, writing my thoughts, I think that someone will laugh at me or tell me I just want attention.
I don't want to be this way forever, it's not an option. I need to get better, Bulimia can't rule my life forever.
I've never been diagnosed, and I never will be. i don't know if I have the strength for this, If I should keep trying. Where's the end?
Is there even an end?
I wish I didn't need people so much.
But at the same time, I have no idea where i'd be without some people.
What is my plan? Can I reach it? Today is going to be stupid. I can't focus on school. Don't even want to be here. I just want to go put my headphones in. But I want to be happy, I wish I could push all these thoughts away. They're not doing me any good.
I just want to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. Or all of the above.

Untitled!

So I was fully intent on having a good day today, and for the most part I did. But all I'm feeling right now is anxiety. I have been trying to not eat unless I'm hungry, and that was going well. For some reason, my grandma has been asking me a lot about eating, exercise, and body image a lot recently. And I've told her pretty much all the standard stuff. Because I don't consider myself Bulimic anymore. I never really binge anymore, though sometimes I do overeat, which causes me to want to purge, but I never actually do anymore. But I don't know if that makes me healthy. Because I still want to do everything I can to get to my gw.

To be honest, I've actually thought about going on a crash diet. I know they don't generally work, but I need SOMETHING. Anything. I finally lost 3 lbs, but after tonight, I know I've gained at least that back. Which is stupid.

I bought a dress yesterday, for Homecoming. And I felt beautiful in it. Despite the fact that I could probably lose about 10 lbs.... I still liked it. I loved myself in it. And I just weighed myself yesterday, didn't really care what the scale said, but to my surprise, I was down 3 lbs. Which almost put me at one of my gw's.

And tonight I was fully intent on eating a late dinner, because I wasn't hungry. But then my grandma informed me that we had company coming over, and that I would have to eat with them. So I said whatever, I'd just eat a little less. But then when we got to actually eating, and since I wasn't hungry to begin with, I stopped paying attention to the food.

Alright, I'm gonna be totally honest here, for anyone that actually wants to read this stupid thing. I eat when I get bored. And when I eat because I'm bored I eat A LOT. That was my problem before, I ate when I wasn't hungry, and therefore gained a lot of weight. But I had been trying to change that. And I was doing well until now. Now I want to purge, punch something, or hurt myself in some way to keep me from doing it again. Pretty stupid, huh? The impulses aren't that strong, but they're getting stronger.

I feel like an emotional mess. I'm sad, because I ruined my diet. I'm pissed beyond everything, because I couldn't keep doing well. I had to over eat. And I'm pissed because I'm so full that I want to purge, and I'm pissed because it seems that people tell me "You can talk to me and I'll support you" but then when I reach out to them, like now, they don't help. They don't get it. They don't try to get it. They just assume that I'm fine. But right now, it doesn't feel like it. Yet I can't stop reaching out to people, trying to get them to understand. I don't know what it'll feel like to be free from this ED. I don't know if I ever could. I can't see it right now. And I don't know if I have the strength to do it. It feels like every time I go forward, I end up right back here. And I don't know why, what to do.

I feel like telling the world to fuck off. I hate this. People are not dependable. They never are. It's just a "I'll help you till it suits me" kinda thing. Only I'm tired of playing. Sure, it's nice to have friends, but not if they're only there for you in the good times. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean you can't try, or do SOMETHING. But no.

I can't even go run to clear my head, as it's dark and I'm not allowed to go out alone. Cuz my brother's not here. But right now, I don't care. I need to do something, and I guess writing it out helps in some way, but at the same time, it doesn't. I still want to purge, or hurt myself/take my anger out on an inanimate object. I.e. kicking a door, punching a wall. Anything. It's gotta help.

My best shot I guess is to go outside and do jumping jacks till I'm so tired I can't think straight. That's the only thing I can think of.

So congrats to you if you actually read this. Because honestly, I wouldn't have. I know how this sounds, and if it even makes any sense, well woo! But at the moment, I don't give a crap. I feel so full of everything. But not in a good way. God dammit. I hate this feeling. I hate it. I hate it.  I hate it. I hate it. Did I mention I hate it?!!!?????

*Puts head in hands* Ahhh!!!! I hate this. God damn. I'm so tired of this fight. I wish I could just give up. Just give in. Maybe I'm fighting an empty battle.............. Wow. I'm so melodramatic. Whatever........ :/

Ecstatic!

I've been doing really well with my exercise - 2 days ago I was able to run 5 laps, without much walking. And the day after that, I didn't much feel like running, but I ran 3 laps anyways. It's just great.

And then the other day, Cimiron said something to me out of the blue. Kinda. He said "If one person in the relationship is always having trouble, the other one could possibly get tired of it and end up cheating." This kinda struck a chord, as it made me realize how negative and downbeat I've been lately. Maybe not so much to other people, but just in general. To myself. Anyways, this kinda made me want to stop being so negative, so I've been trying to do that over the past few days. And it's working! I feel happy, energized, excited! It's great!

So today I went dress shopping with my best friend, and we were looking for a dress for me for the Zombie Crawl, in October. But we haven't been able to find anything. However, tonight we did end up finding a dress that I felt absolutely beautiful in and that I absolutely loved! So I decided that we could get it and I could wear it to Homecoming. I am just going with friends, but nonetheless. I'm so excited!!

And then I also decided to weigh myself, and to my surprise, I had lost 2 lbs which puts me at my smaller goal weight, not my overall weight. So now I weigh 178. I know it's not that much, but I'm so happy and excited. And I can proudly say that I did it without restricting, over exercising, or purging! :D That makes me insanely happy, and to be able to do it healthily, well that's even better! Tomorrow morning is Monday, and though I really don't want to go to school, I will. I have some homework to catch up on, but I also have a free period, so I think that in the morning, I am going to go for a run. Maybe. I get really cold in the mornings! Anyways, I just had to share this, as I'm super excited!!! :D

New record!

So yesterday, I was feeling the need to run. Not sure why, just wanted to. But when I got to the track, I realized I hadn't had the right running clothes on. And as I didn't want to go home, change, and come back, I ran in what I was wearing. Which was a tank top, a wool lined jacket, jeans, and sneakers. Not the easiest thing! But I did it, AND I set a new personal record! I wasn't able to record the time, but I did run 5 laps! If I were to break it down, it would be that I ran 4 laps, walked 1. Of course. the walking was split up in there because of my asthma, but nonetheless, it was still a personal record, and I'm still proud!!! :D

Then today, I didn't feel like running, but I ran 3 laps anyways, and I felt amazing! I did get a little dizzy though, so I went home and ate! Or... I'm going to. (: Today was a good day, I had a photo montage at the bus stop this morning, just having fun. A lot of cars driving by gave me weird looks though! I'll post them in a separate post though, as there's kinda a lot.

I don't feel like really doing anything tonight, so I'm gonna go curl up with a blanket, so chicken and rice, and my puppies, and I'm gonna watch The Last Song.
It's one of my favorite movie, does anyone else like it?! Haha anyways, that's all for now. It's movie time!!!

Inspiration is hard to find (:

So this time I'm not sure what inspired me. It was more of a who, some things that were said, and a goal. But I've set them before. And usually, after a little bit, I begin to lose that inspiration to get there.
And inspiration is hard to come by. But for now I've got my inspiration, to get better, to be more optimistic, to try harder. And I really believe that I can do it. There is no other option. But it feels really nice to actually agree with someone when they tell me I'm beautiful, and smart, and amazing. Normally, I half-heartedly agree with them, but this time, I meant it with everything I knew. It's a new feeling for me, and honestly, it feels amazing!
Of course he had to be sweet enough to say it in the first place, but that's something I can't argue with. I'm a sucker for sweet gestures. And he just so happens to give them a lot.
I'm holding on to my inspiration with both hands, hoping, wishing, that it will stay with me, or that I can find new inspiration when it evades me. I'm actually having an amazing day today, tomorrow is Friday, so it should be amazing as well!

This week I'm pretty much living on my own. My dad is on a vacation, and I'm dog sitting  Gotta say, I kinda like it. I get to do what I want pretty much whenever I want, and though my house is a little creepy at night, but waking up in the morning and getting myself through my day, it's kinda liberating. The voice in my head that I've been fighting since I got here, well it's finally almost quiet. I can't really hear it, or I don't pay attention to it, so that's good! And I've got loads of relaxation and free time! Not sure what to do with it! But majorly excited to have a weekend to myself! :D

Gotta take the good with the bad!!

I don't feel like I've written much lately, but mostly because there's so much to say. I don't have the words. Here's to trying again!

Tuesday, 9/11 wasn't very eventful. I wasn't feeling much too happy, but I wasn't bad either. I was just there. I just wanted to be in my own head space. It was a rather nice day yesterday, and I got to help a friend take Senior Pictures, so we got to have some fun there. And it rained!!! OMG!!! I love the rain! :D I was sooo happy!

Then today..... we'll it's just been complicated.
This morning I woke up at 6:30, only to realize I didn't have to be to school until 9. But I went to take a shower, only then realizing my dad was in there so I had to wait. Yeah, that's right. My dad's. He left for a trip this morning, and yeah, things haven't been so bad between me and him. But being back here just brings everything back. I just feel dark, pissed off, hateful, I don't feel like me. Or rather, who I've become - the happy, upbeat, recovering, excited person I've been for the last few weeks.
Anyways, I had a good time getting ready, but ran a little late, so I had to hurry to get to the bus stop. As I was doing so, 3 cars passed by one right after the other, all near the curb, and since I had nowhere to go, I got splashed and soaked from head to toe. Great. After that, I was a little pissed, because all my schoolbooks were wet, I was soaked, my jacket was soaked, I didn't have anything to change into and I spent the rest of the day freezing.
I enjoyed the day though, because it was raining and that's my favorite weather. I had a yogurt parfait with bananas and granola for lunch, which was really good. I finished my fast, decided that 48 hours was long enough to consciously not eat. So I'm eating again, but I have to say, I'm proud of my willpower.
Then I fell asleep twice while I was in English, but it wasn't my fault! My teacher has a really monotone voice when she reads, and she read a lot to us today. Her voice just lulled me to sleep. Spanish wasn't bad, but it took forever!
Now that I'm home, and it's up to me to eat whatever I want, if I even want to at all; it feels like I shouldn't. I don't know what I'm gonna do, if I even am. I've been fighting a "To eat or not to eat" battle for the last 2 hours. Not sure who's winning. Or if it can ever be really won. I mean, sure I have moments where I control the ED, but the ED also controls me. I'm starting to lose track of what's what. Not a good thing. I haven't even sat down, because I don't want to. Standing is technically exercising, and if I'm standing, then there's less things to pick at myself about. I've been anxiously moving around since I got home, not sure what to do. I think I'm just gonna hop around, try to stay warm till I can go run.
I really wish I could have an open and honest conversation about my Bulimia with someone, but every time it gets brought up, I feel like it's almost immediately shot down. Like they'll listen to me because they have to, not because it actually matters. So then I don't want to discuss them with anyone, because it just feels like I'm talking to air. I guess I'm just hoping for too much. But I also wish I was strong enough to do this on my own. I honestly contemplated telling my aunt what I'm going through, but then I realized I couldn't. I don't want anyone in my family to know. They can't. They've got so much to deal with right now, I'm not sure they could take it. And if I'm honest, neither can I.
Anyways, enough of that for now. I'll just ignore it, try to push it away. In about an hour, I'm going running with a friend of mine, and I'm excited. I've been looking for someone to run with for the longest time, but nobody seems up to it. She said she would though, and I honestly can't wait! Last night I got to run for a little while, and that made me feel a little calmer, a little more like me. Hopefully that will happen again tonight.
I feel like my weeks are really long, and my weekends really short, like I can't get enough recuperation for my life. I feel like it's all going 123.2 miles per hour. Always. Never slowing down. But I'm not sure why, or how to stop it. Sometimes it makes me dizzy, but most the time I can ignore it and focus elsewhere. Most the time, I don't even mind it. I've been reading a lot lately, it's been pretty nice. And now that I'm here dog sitting, it'll be nice to finally get some space to myself.
I feel like one giant mass of emotions, where some of them are bad, some are good, but you can't really draw a line, or define who is what. Or rather, what is what. It all just feels like one giant ass thing, and I'm just the one who gets to deal with it. Not even sure if that's good or bad. See? My head is just a jumble of random emotions, thoughts, and actions. One indistinguishable from the next. I'm actually surprised that I could write this post.

Not sure it's over yet..

Friday I came to the realization that everything may not be over yet. I'm not where I want to be, I can't stop, not until I reach my goal. I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't. Most of what I think about is my weight, or what I eat. And there's still times when I over eat, or I skip a meal or two. I still weigh myself every day, and I still want to do unhealthy things, like go on a fast.
The fast was supposed to happen today, but some things kinda failed, so it starts tomorrow. It's going to be purely a liquid fast. It's a last ditch attempt, because I am trapped. Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic  normal, because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I eat. And I know that if I ever got that skinny, it'd be easy to recover. Okay, not easy but easier I just have to want it, and keep working at it. But I don't seem to have the motivation anymore, because I'm not seeing the results I want. Or any results, really. If  I saw ANY results, that would keep me going, but right now, doing something like going on a fast, or just not eating  eating less, seems to be my only option. I'm beyond frustrated.
And I have so much more to say, but I can't seem to find the correct words, so for now, that's all I'll say on that subject.

Had an amazing weekend!

So there's two major things I want to write here. In separate posts. This weekend was amazing!
There's a Harvest Festival going on in town right now, and the last two days i've gone. There's tons of food there, I actually tried Deep Fried Oreo's, and they are the best things ever!!! Ironically.
At the Festival, we played games, and we won some little prizes, but neither my friend nor I wanted them, so we ended up giving them to a little girl. She was so happy to be getting free prizes, and it made me feel good to make her smile. We rode a few rides, and it was so much fun! I'm sad that it's over, and that it won't be back till next year, but it was worth it to go this year! I made a pretty necklace, full of rainbow colors, and it's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself!
I got a jacket, it's fuzzy and super warm! So now in Winter, I can't ever be cold! Haha I was so happy! (:
I watched Scary Movie this morning, it was pretty funny, and yesterday I went driving with my best friend. She's actually not a bad driver, I was surprised! I can't wait till I get my permit, and then my license, if that ever happens. I'm not the kind of person that can learn it from a book, I have to actually do it. But that's backwards logic to everyone else! They don't wanna teach me till I know it!
I haven't had an entirely relaxing weekend, but i've enjoyed myself, and had a great time, so that counts for something, right?! Here's two pictures that made me smile!

Photos that describe me!

Sorry for the awkward formatting. I don't know how to fix it.

Thoughts for today.

Today was a pretty good day, It's a Friday, what can I say?! I don't really have any plans for the weekend, but I will find time to read, to enjoy my life, to relax.
I don't really have anything to talk about here, but I wanted to say something, as I had a lot of weird thoughts today.
I'm having a rough go right now, as I keep gaining weight and I want to lose it. I have found it increasingly harder to love myself, or to not judge. It's so difficult, and I feel like I'm losing the will to want to be healthy. I haven't much felt up to running, but I think I will tonight. I haven't felt much up to eating healthily, and I haven't eaten as much as I should because school has been getting in the way. Then yesterday, I couldn't focus in school, I was caught up in my head and my thoughts. Because I was thinking about going on a Fast. I know that's probably not the best idea, but something in me just thought it felt.... right? To not eat. Something about not eating was appealing to me, and I want to. I don't have any particular reason I guess, I just want to. I am going to think about it for a little, but I might start the Fast Sunday just to see how long I can go. Why not?

Last night, I tried to talk to my dad, and he pretty much blew me off... again. I don't know why I keep trying to fix things, because It obviously isn't going to happen. He is still upset, and so am I. I am pissed off beyond belief for him never taking part in my life. For never wanting to be my dad. For always putting me down, for ruining everything I work towards. I know it's not all him, it's me too, but I'm only 16. I can't know it all. Two years ago, when I was cutting to feel that I was still here, still alive, to cope with my feelings, he never knew about it. But eventually he found out. And the only thing he told me was "Don't do it again or I'm putting you on 24 hour suicide watch". That's it. He didn't ask if I was okay, if I needed help. Nothing. I told my grandma about this finally. Finally. And all she pretty much had to say, was that I didn't get help because I didn't want help, and that there were plenty of my family members around to help me, if I wanted it. but she didn't understand that I couldn't talk to them even if I had wanted to. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want to let them in. But that's apparently my fault.

Anyways, yeah. I know that some of the things she said are right, and that's hurting me. But I also hurt for everything my dad hasn't done in my life, for never being the father I needed. And I'm starting to expect that he will never be the father I need. So I just want out.

Anyways, I'm just ranting here. Haha. Sorry! But honestly, I can't wait till I move out, but for now, I'm excited to go on a fast! (: I don't know how long it will work, but it's worth a try! This weekend is gonna be amazing! :D

Night time!

I love the night. It's my favorite time of the day. Because you can do anything then.
I had no homework tonight, so I went outside with a book, and read. But then I got sleepy, so I took a 2 hour nap!!! Yay for naps!!!!
Then tomorrow's FRIDAY!!! I am kinda excited, because then it's the weekend! I don't have any plans yet, but I will make some! I'm hoping to hang with a close friend that I miss! But I don't know yet!

Last night, I told this kid C that he could text me if he wanted, because I had to go. So he asked if my number was the same, and I was just like..... Wow. I mean, we dated briefly, but we ended up breaking up because we wanted two different things, and he was kinda an ass. Anyways, I didn't keep his number, but he kept mine.I think that's kinda weird. But now we're talking again, and I guess he still kinda likes me, but it would never work. I don't like him anymore, I don't know if I ever did. And to be honest, I don't know why I ever did. I think it was because I just wanted to be with someone, and because I was hurt over being ditched again. It's really petty. I don't much remember, but I thought it was kinda weird. And he texted me this morning saying "Good morning". I was just like....... REALLY? Am I the only one that finds that weird?
I mean I don't mind that he did, that's all fine and dandy. I just think it's a little weird is all.

Anyways, i'm off to go relax and blast some music. (: It's gonna be a good night, and then I got school tomorrow! I have a Science Test on the Periodic Table, and I'm terrified... But I know it will go well. I'm not even gonna think about it. I'm just gonna enjoy my relaxing night. :D Goodnight!

My Beautiful Denver!

These are of my beautiful Denver, I love it so much, because it's perfect for discovering new things. I can never get tired of going to Denver, or of living in Colorado. It is my home, and it's beautiful!

My best friend and I at the Taste of Colorado (:

Very bad at posting

I am so disappointed right now. I started on my 30 Day Challenge, but school has been hell for me, and so therefore I have missed a few days, like two of exercising. I continue to run, but I haven't actually done anything that's on the challenge. I feel like a complete failure with it.
Of course, I know that this doesn't mean I completely failed, just that I need to change it to fit what I'm going through right now, and maybe I can do that. I feel like I'm getting too stressed out over a lot of things, when really I shouldn't worry about them.
I don't know what to do about the Challenge, although I have gained weight since I started, not lost it. -_- So grrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I think I am going to change it and do it in October, but I will keep some of it up and do it now, so that I don't entirely fail. I just had such high hopes for it.

School is hell, I didn't do so well on a Math test, but I re took it and am hoping to get a higher grade. I am stressing about a test on Friday on the Periodic Table for Science, but also about doing Outdoor Lab. I haven't studied as much for my Science test as I should, because all I want to do is read. That's what I'm really horrible about. If I get into a book, then I won't do anything else until I'm finished with it. That's what hurts me a lot during school. Plus I'm on the computer a lot to post/read blogs. Or talk to friends.
Mostly with Outdoor Lab I am scared that I'm not right for who they're looking for, or that I won't do a good job.

Sorry I don't have much time to post today, it's just that I really need to get on my homework, so that I can still have time to run before it's too late. But I don't really want to study the Periodic Table... Who ever does?!?!?!

Today was really nice! I got to sleep in, and then I didn't do much in class, and I have no Math homework as I finished it in Class. :D

Does anyone actually read about my exercise or would anyone like to know about it? I mean, I know people read my blog, but I don't know if there's anybody who actually continuously reads my posts, rather than reads them once and moves on. If you do, what would you like me to post on here to either make it better or something you'd want to read? I am open to any suggestions!

I wish there were better people in the world.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO RUN BECAUSE I AM HAVING A VERY BIG ANXIETY ISSUE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But stupid people  have to be all dangerous, and then my grandma had to tell me about it so when I went to the park I noticed that it was all scary and dark and quiet and there was nobody around so then I got all nervous and couldn't run to relieve my anxiety so I had to come home and now i'm freaking out because I want to run so bad and I actually need to because i'm feeling super anxious and keyed up and I want to throw up because I feel so icky and I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry and I know that's bad but right now I don't care. I need to run so bad but I can't and I hate people why can't they all just be nice and we can live in a happy freaking land?!?!?

I don't have a solution.... And it's pissing me off. My grandpa said he would follow me in a car to make sure i'm okay, but now he doesn't wanna do it and I wanna go scream at someone.... -________- WHY????????

Thoughts..

Last night when I walked in the house, my grandma asked how the Festival was. Then once all of that was out of the way, she said casually "Your dad misses you."

Four words. That's all it took. I responded that he probably didn't, and she told me that he did, that he had said it. I don't believe her, I still don't. He never seems to.

Then she brought up the fact that I need to talk to him about it.... That I should start living over there for half the week, and here for the other half. I can't do that...

I am still so hurt by everything he's said, by telling me that I pretty much don't matter, that he's an adult, that I'm not, and therefore, I'm the one who has to change. I don't have to, and I don't want to either.

It's not just what he's said that's hurt, it's everything he's done. He doesn't feel like my dad. He's never taken an interest in anything I've done. Whether that be Colorguard, or my Violin, or music, or Forensic Science. He never has. I've never heard a compliment from him that felt like it meant something, he's always just told me to do whatever. And while that may be fine, I guess part of me doesn't want that. Part of me wants a dad that wants to give me hugs, that' interested in my life, even a little bit.

It's hard to forgive 16 years of hurt, in about 4 weeks... I can't do it. I know that he's reaching out to me, because he asked me to go bowling with him, (Spending time with me) and he wanted to go to the wedding with me too. And while that's exactly what I want, I need time now.

I don't want to be the one that's reaching back, because he doesn't understand. I can't ever explain to him how much he's hurt me, how I interpret the things he says. I just can't. Part of it is that I don't want to, but the other part is just that I don't have the words.

I am finally happy. I am happy being able to go to school so easily, being able to run, hang out with friends, do pretty much whatever I want. If I go back to my dads, I know that all the hurt and everything will just come back, and it'll keep getting worse. I don't feel free there like I do here.

And there's only so many times you can get hurt before enough is enough. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. Maybe once I'm 18, and I'm off to college, I can fix things with him. But right now, I can't.

I just want to sit on my own, cry until I can't cry anymore, hurt for everything. Because I am so used to pushing my feelings away, saying "If I don't acknowledge it, then it can't effect me." But I can't do that anymore, I don't want to. I've finally found something worth being happy about, something that makes me smile like an idiot, be happy, have goals again. And it's only happened since my dad hasn't been around. Maybe that makes me a bitch, or shallow. But really, I don't know any other options. I don't know how to explain it.

Even right now, writing this, I can't keep the tears at bay. Thinking about him, it just brings everything back. I don't even know how to begin healing from this, but I know I need time. 4 weeks isn't enough time. 1 month may not be enough time. 4 months may not be enough time. I don't know. But I know that I don't want to go back, I don't want to try to fix it.

For once, I am on the track to getting where I want to be, with an unchecked enthusiasm. And in case you don't know, here's my goals (In no particular order):

1. To get straight A's in school.

2. To complete my 30 Day Fitness Challenge.

3. To lose weight.

4. To start running, because I love it.

5. To find reasons to smile every day.

6. To love myself, however that may happen.

7. To finally and truly beat my ED.

These are my goals, and can't see any of them happening if I go back to my dad's.... Is that horrible? Does that make me a bad daughter? Am I wrong here? Should I forgive him? Any thoughts or ideas? I could sure use them..

Day 2!

So it's Day 2 of my 30 Day Fitness Challenge, and i'm still super pumped!!!!!

Here's what I've done for Day 2:

• 20 Chest Presses
• 40 Chair Dips
• 30 Ball Crunches
• 4 planks

So I know this is probably completely odd, i'm pretty much doing what I can, day by day. But the planks, that's just to try to build my endurance, to try to increase my time for each rep I do. I don't know how much sense that makes, but if I can build my time, then i'll get stronger. Plus I hear that it helps a lot with push ups. It may change, and right now, i'm entirely unsure of everything, so i'm just going to see what works for me, and what doesn't. Day by day.
And of course, i'll keep running, and posting my times! If there's anything else anyone thinks I should post, then you can either comment here or email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com. Any criticism or advice is always appreciated!

My top 10 workout songs as of right now are:
1. Die Trying by Art of Dying
2. What Can I Say by Dead By April
3. A Place For My Head by Linkin Park
4. Whispers In The Dark by Skillet
5. Disturbed - Stricken
6. One Step Closer - Linkin Park
7. Fire - Dead by Sunrise
8. Guarded - Disturbed
9. I'm Alive - Disturbed
10. Land of Confusion - Disturbed

These are in no particular order, but I mostly like them because of the beat.
When i'm running with these songs on, it's got a nice rythem, it keeps me going.

If anyone's got any other good Workout Songs, i'd love to hear them!

Day 1!!!

So I am probably going to change this routine, but for now, here's what I did on Day 1 for my challenge!

• 30 Squats
• 40 Lunges
• 25 Push-ups 
• 60 Crunches
• 40 Reverse Curls

I also went for a run! This was amazing! If I had to rate my level of energy, i'd say it's at about an 8 right now. I feel so pumped, so excited, so energized!! :D I hope it stays that way, but I know it won't. I'll just have to make the best of everything I can! (:
I am also going to post my stats on here, starting now. Because that way, when I look back at them, I can see how well I did, what I accomplished.
If this bothers anyone, then don't read these posts. But that's your choice, not mine!

Height: 5'8 1/2"
Weight: 184 lbs
Goal: 170 by the end of October

Update!

So I've not been able to get on the computer in the last 2 - 3 days. Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal, but it is!!! There has been so much happening, and I needed to write it out!! So I guess this is going to be a really  long post, but there will also be two other posts, for my fitness challenges.

3 days ago.... Hmm.... I spent the night at my friends house, we walked down to Olde Town, and just walked around, enjoying the day. We got some candy, as well as some pizza. I ate both, no big deal. Then the next morning, (Yesterday morning) we went out to breakfast. It was really nice, and I felt kinda pissed off/bitchy even though I don't know why. But like I just felt angry. And I kept constantly needing to get up to go to the bathroom (Not to purge, but to breathe) and part of me I guess was hoping that she'd think to come help me. Or to come see if I was okay. But she never did. So that kinda upset me, but I guess it shouldn't have. I am learning slowly, that there's really nobody here that I can count on for certain things. I know that sounds really depressing, but actually, realizing that, I feel lighter.
I know there are people there I can count on, (Cimiron, Sarah, Izzy, Otis, Alex, etc.) but when it comes to this, I guess I'm on my own. And really, that's not so bad. I kinda prefer it that way. I may be eating more than I want to, I may not be entirely healthy, but hey, I'm okay for now, I can deal. I am who I am, and when I get to where I want to be, then I believe that things will start falling into place.
So then yesterday afternoon, I went to the Taste of Colorado, (A huge music and food festival) and I loved it! I ate some chili cheese fries, tried Lamb, Fried Alligator, Fried Oreo's. I know that none of that is good for me, but hey, I think I deserved it. So now it's back to being healthy for my 30 Day fitness Challenge!

Also when I got home last night, my grandma tried to talk me into going back to my dads, and that ended badly... I'll have to write about it in another post, as there is so much to write.

Today, I am back to my 30 Day Challenge, and I am loving it. (Also something I'll post separately) I don't feel like I'm pushing myself with it, so I might decided to change it, to change the original course of the challenge, as I want to get better, right? But it's going well.
Today, I am just hanging out, enjoying the weather, reading and listening to music. I go back to school tomorrow, and I hate it! But hey, gotta do what you've gotta do. I have a Science test sometime next week, and I'm so completely stressed about it! I am terrified that I'm going to fail it, as I haven't studied as much as I should. And also I've got an Outdoor Lab meeting, and I'm terrified for that as well, considering that I don't do too well with little kids. Jeez. So much to stress about. Anyone have any advice??
Today was supposed to be stress free, but damn. Now that I've written this post, I'm stressing like the world depends on me!!! I have to do good in school this year, to get my GPA back to a 4.0 for college.... AHH!!! Gosh. I guess that's all I've got to say for now, here anyways.

If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.