Update

So, I'm 20 now. 20 years old. I don't like it at all, I am not ready to be that old yet...

On my birthday I had to work. I didn't really mind it actually. I was kind of happy to be there as the day wasn't to happy for me to begin with. While I was ringing up a customer, one of my coworkers came up to me and told me happy birthday. I hadn't told anyone, b it I guess they just put it up on the board in the employee lounge. So I politely responded and the customer (who was buying flowers) told me to charge her for another rose that I could pick up when I got off as a birthday present. I tried to decline but in the end I brought a flower home. I tried to do everything right... and it's already dead. Oh well.

That guy I mentioned in my last post has begun texting me. I ended up burning a bowl with him and I guess he took that as friendship and has begun to text me. I don't know why he has my phone number after all these years, but whatever. I haven't saved his, and I don't want my bf to see the messages because he always assumes the worst. And really, I want nothing to do with this douchbag. He texted me this morning asking if I was working, and so I said probably and asked why. He just responded with telling me where he was chilling. Later in the day I texted him back (now I'm wondering why the fuck I did that) and said I was going to smoke a cigarette and he decided to meet me out there. My coworker came to join me shortly after that because he was on his lunch break and while I was talking to my coworker I mentioned getting a tattoo soon but needing to work out the design, except I can't draw. And C offered to draw it for me, so I sent him the pic and asked him to draw it for me while explaining what I wanted. So now I have to talk to him YET AGAIN to get this tattoo design if I want it... but after that I dunno what to do. It's nice to have someone to talk to sometimes but at the same time I know if my bf ever found out that I was talking to him or hiding it from him, he would flip. And I care more about my bf than I do C.

Anyways, on another note...my coworker just randomly gave me a box of thin mint cookies and I am so so tempted to eat them. But god, if I do I will have to take lax and it's already 11pm and now I'm starting to panic because I wanted to take lax tonight but my dumb ass got too stoned and now it's late. I could still take them but I also want to go get wax in the morning and that would be a risk because I don't know what time we would be doing that or if they will have kicked in by then.

I have been really struggling with urges to harm myself. It's getting bad, I honestly surprise myself with the fact that I haven't relapsed yet. Fuck man, I want to. And I can't even tell my bf that I'm feeling shitty enough to want to relapse.
I don't know what else to say, really. Work is okay, I have fewer hours next week so I'm trying to pick up a few more shifts. My anxiety is a constant as usual.

But on the outside, everything is good. Everything is always good

On the outside.

The Story

So I finally reregistered myself for school about a week ago. It was stressful to be back in that building with people who knew me almost two years ago. It brings flashbacks for me and it reminds me how behind I am from where I should be. I mean, I know everyone has their own pace, but this is one of the things that really gets to me. I think it always will.
I tried to be in and out of the school, and ended up being unable to make it to work that day. I explained to my instructor that I work full time and that school is going to have to be mostly online so that it doesn't interfere with my work... and he said it was basically fine but that I was required to show up once a week for an hour in that school. I agreed then and there, but needless to say I didn't even go last week.
So far I have only completed one assignment and I was gonna wait to see if it had been graded yet so I could see if I was doing well enough or not. I got the full score on the assignment and since then I just can't stop thinking about how I have to have it finished by April. Doesn't seem so hard, but having already failed once I wonder if I will fail again. And I don't know what I will do if I can't finish it.

I told my manager about registering for school and he switched my schedule. Now I work all through the weekends and the week aside from Wednesday and Thursday. I hope it doesn't end up seeming like a longer week, because right now I just want everything to happen as fast as possible. I haven't actually spoken to anyone recently. Sure, I have some conversations over text, I might send a message or two here, but nobody every really replies back enough for it to be conversation which is why I am writing here. There's so much I want to say, to tell someone, anyone. But there's really nobody here to listen, not that I blame them. I am selfish and all I ever want to do is talk about myself. I would get tired of me too.

On another note, the other day I was working and I saw C. C is basically the fuckboy I was with before I met my bf. If you don't remember, he was the one who told me he couldn't ever love me because his heart belonged to someone else. He also is the one that I was with when I began getting flashbacks. I was basically his booty call, and he was mine. It was so unhealthy and unhappy and I am glad now that I got out of that cycle. However, I saw him at work the other day. He was just standing by the liquor store smoking a cigarette and he looked up and said "so it is you" I just kind of looked away and kept working, and then he proceeded to follow me and ask if I was still upset about what happened between us. I told him it wasn't worth the effort to hold a grudge but that if I were to stop and talk to him I would get bitched at my manager. He said he understood, but then I watched him go sit in the lobby for about 5 hours. Doing what, I don't know. But I know he was there, and I guessed right when I said he would be back. He came back yesterday, and I just ran away and made sure he wouldn't see me working that day. I don't know what to feel about it. Because now he knows I work there, which is just one more thing I have to deal with.

Today is my only day off, but my boyfriend has to work. I feel so fucking lonely all the fucking time, and I just want it to go away.
I don't even fit in with other fuckups like me, because they don't even want to talk to me. I wish I understood why it is so hard to communicate. It isn't for lack of trying on my part, but nobody ever responds. Maybe I am just not interesting, because I have tried literally everything I can think of to try to make at least one friend, and I have none.
I have worked at my job for months now, and still I barely say anything to my coworkers that doesn't have to do with work. Even the ones that are my age. I thought I had made a friend, but now I see that it was only temporary because, like everyone else, she never responds to my texts anymore or wants to hang out. It can't be them. It has to be me.
So what am I meant to do?

I broke my epen yesterday at work, it fell out of my back pocket and hit the pavement just right. It shattered the glass of the tank, but luckily that was all that broke. I had a replacement glass that came when I bought the pen, so I was able to fix it.

I have literally done nothing productive today. I was supposed to do school since it's my day off but god I feel so fucking numb today. It's hard to focus, this same assignment is taking me forever. I hate economics.

I found out also that one of my best guy friends, well, like my only friend here is dying, but he refuses to see a doctor because he doesn't have insurance. How rediculous is that? I mean, I get it but at some point you have to say fuck it and deal with it anyways. When he told me that I burst out crying, which my dad then opened the bathroom door not knowing I was in there and asked if I wanted food. When I said no, he just shut the door and left. I mean, it didn't even make him blink to see me sitting on the floor crying in the bathroom. Alright.
Just more proof that I mean nothing to nobody.

I might try to take a nap honestly, I don't want to exist anymore and no matter what I do it sucks. I am tired. Just tired.
I don't even know where I was going with this post, or why I write here. It's just empty words on a screen.
The story of my pathetic life.

I've been feeling more lonely than usual, more isolated. It's been rough for me... I really haven't spoken to anyone in a few days at least. Some days I eat a bit and it feels like a binge. Some days I eat next to nothing. I can't bring myself to continue weighing daily because it is causing me way too much stress. But right now I am kind of in the midst of damage control.

I saw a higher number on the scale a few days ago and it kind of freaked me out. Since then I have just been fasting and working and trying to get back down to where I feel comfortable enough to weigh myself.

I broke my toe the other night because I was being kind of stupid.... it hurt like a bitch but I guess I am okay. Oh, and I relapsed the other day too. My boyfriend doesn't know about the relapse... and I don't want to say anything because he would just be upset.

I also kind of quit smoking, I'm scared of this because I don't want to end up eating more, and yes I did use cigarettes as meal replacement. So the possibility of my increased intake is high. I need to lose weight, not gain it.

Otherwise I am surviving. I'm growing tired of work, but that could also be from being hungry all the time. It makes me grumpy sometimes. My work sells this fresh bread and oh, it smells so good. What I wouldn't give to buy a loaf while it is still warm out of the oven and eat just a little. I have been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my daily intake for weeks now but so far I am unsatisfied. So O haven't bought any bread.

I wish I had a friend. Or at least one that wasn't so hard to get to. I feel so alone. And I don't know what to do about it. I just want these feelings to fade already. I would rather be numb. Anyways.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.