Day 1

This is my first day of progress pictures.
I will post pretty much everything.
Pictures, measurements, and my weight. Woo.
I am such a fat whale.
But here goes.

Starting weight: 180.5 lbs
Arm: 11 inches
Thigh: 24 inches
Waist: 31 inches
Wrist: 6.5 inches
Hips: 39 inches
Calf: 15 inches

Damn.
This makes me look ridiculously fat. But I suppose I am.

Now, the world can see my fat ass, and agree that I look like a whale. But I will change this. I update in 2 weeks, but until then, I'll be posting how it's going, and tons of thinspo to keep me on track.

Getting My Ass In Gear

So it just set in that it is almost the new year. For some reason, I had been avoiding that thought.

My goal was to be 120 by June of 2013. But at this point, I'll take what I can get.
I don't intend for anyone to support me. I know that what I about to embark on is NOT HEALTHY. Not safe. But fuck it.

After last night, there is no more safe. I have officially crossed some line.
If you know about last night, please don't say anything. Right now, I don't even want it on my blog. I can't stand it. Maybe later, once time has passed, I will write about it. But right now, I can't.

I think a few people who know me here might be reading my blog. So I'm going to remove any pictures of me, and I changed my name to an alias on here. Not a big deal. I am still me. But if you are reading this, and you know me, please, I ask you. I beg you. Don't tell anyone. Keep this to yourself, or text me to let me know you know, or message me on Facebook. Please, just don't say anything to anyone.

With that being said...
Here's my plan.

I will go for a half an hour walk every day. EVERY DAY. No excuses. I will do 500 crunches, before I go to bed, and I will sleep no more than 6 hours a night.
I must drink at lest 2 liters of water a day, and my caloric intake must be under 400. No excuses. This isn't about "losing weight". Or getting there the healthy way. I will starve my way into being beautiful. I am cutting out all sweets. I am also cutting out all dairy. I don't know what this makes me. But it is how I am going to do things.
The dairy rule is flexible, but not too much.

Once I get myself an Ipod, to replace the one that was stolen, I will post tons of thinspo pics on there, and start using MyFitnessPal. This will keep me on track. Really.
There has been NO EXCUSE for what I have been doing. Any other person would have lost loads of weight by now, living in my house.
I am fat. And a failure.
There is no other excuse.

Once I go back to school, I will ace all of my classes. Anything less than an A is unacceptable. I will do this. I have to. I will get into college, and I will be beautiful. Skinny.
I am going to have some ups and downs. But I will stay on track. This will be so much harder after what happened last night, and my family being all up in here watching me, and keeping tabs on what I do or do not do, but I will do it. I have to.

I might post some thinspo pics on here.
If this bothers or triggers anyone, you might not want to read. I know that it isn't the best decision, that there are better ways, but fuck it.
I don't want a better way.
This is just Ana and I.
So thinspo, it is. I have to do this.

I will do this.

In Hawaii, my dad wants to hike to a lot of volcanoes and such. This means TONS of exercise. Woo! And if I can manage not to binge while I am there, then I will definitely drop weight. I can do this.
I am so excited to go. Not for being a whale in a bikini, but for losing weight, for exercising, and for getting to have fun while doing it. I won't be in a dark mood. I can't let myself...
I can do this.

That's all I have to do. Repeat that to myself over and over and over.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.

My thoughts might grow dark at times, but that is me. Everyone has those thoughts. And this is the only place I can properly write them out, so I will. Please, don't judge me. This is my journey. You can choose not to watch any time you want. But I will do what I see fit.
Haha, puns. Gotta love them.

I refuse to be a whale anymore. So I'm going to post progress pictures and such as I go. Maybe it'll help if the world can see how disgustingly fat I am. I hope it will.
I am going to start tomorrow. Bright and early. I will post those pics. And if you don't want to see them, or if you get triggered, then please, take control and don't read. But I have to do this.
I believe it is for the best.
I can no longer go one day without losing weight.
No more.

I will do this.
You're welcome to watch, but I don't encourage anyone to join me. What I am doing is not good. I know that.
But I'm doing it.

It's time to get my ass in gear.

New looks.

It's almost 2013. Which means that everything for me, is going to change.
You may have noticed the change on my blog. I felt like I needed something new, and this was it. I don't know if I will keep it though. I just kinda wanted to express myself.
If you want, you can tell me what you think, or if there is anything I should change
Or if you just want to say something, you can. Comments are always welcome.
That was strangely... therapeutic for me. I don't know why, but it was. (:

What do you see?

Just a random picture. But I thought I should post it. Because isn't that what I always do?
So you're supposed to look at it, and the first 4 words you see, describe you.
My words were:
Insecure
Passionate
Thoughtful
Independent

Not too bad.
Here's the picture. What do you see?

Just when things start to look up......

They fall down again.

I want to be anyone but me.

I want to reinvent myself.

But I don't know how.

Don't read this.

Went to a dinner theater tonight.
I was in dark jeans and a black t-shirt. It took me about 45 minutes to choose this simple outfit. Everything I tried on, made me feel fatter. I hated the way it fit. I wanted something "nice" but also something plain. I settled on the black t-shirt. I didn't think it was that bad. But my grandma got upset as soon as she saw me. She said I didn't look nice enough.
She suggested that I wear this orange shirt, one I never wear anymore. I didn't think it was in any way nicer, and I hate it because it makes me look fat. Not that she knew that. In the end, my cousin's girlfriend lent me a nice shirt to wear. I was so grateful. But it felt awkward. She has really pretty clothes, but she's 5'2 and a lot heavier than I am. Nevertheless, she is an amazing role model to me. She might be overweight, but she is happy. Like really and truly happy. I can't explain how I know this, but I do. She is happy. I admire that.
Then I got forced into dinner. It's a long story. She has asked me if I have "eating problems" because I like to skip meals. When I'm genuinely not hungry. Completely un-ED related. Anyways, I had to eat to keep her off my case. Which only made things worse, to me. I couldn't even stand to sit down. I hate my stomach when I sit. It was everything I could do not to get up and run out of that house. Run away, and run until I couldn't breathe, until I was far away from everyone.
I didn't even want to go tonight. I did it to make my grandma happy. I just wish that she would stop talking to me. I know that's extreme, but it's true. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her. I snap at everything she says. I'm sarcastic, and snarky, and rude. I know this, but I have no desire to change it. Whenever she talks to me, I get mad. Doesn't matter what she says. I just hate when she talks to me. This is who I have become.

I have a new found desire to avoid eating. I basically have about 28 days to lose as much weight as I can. So that means eating basically nothing. I start clean tomorrow. I might post progress about how I'm doing, but I don't want to bother anyone. It might help to keep me on track. I haven't binged for about 3 days now. I hope it stays that way. Usually, I can get into a "I already ate once, so I might as well keep going to punish myself." kind of mindset. It's so detrimental. I'm working on changing that.
I don't know how things will go when I am in Hawaii. With my dad there, it will be so much harder to skip meals. But hopefully we'll be doing a lot of walking around. Does anyone have any tips for skipping meals on vacation? I have never had to do it... and I am scared I'll give in. God, I'm so weak. I still haven't figured out how to avoid the guilt of wasting food, but that guilt is nothing compared to the self hate I feel towards myself, or the guilt I would feel.
Ugh.

I just want out. Away from my family. Away from everyone I know here. I don't want any reminders, or any connection. I want to be someone different than who I am. I don't want to be me. Anything would be better than this. Anyone.
When it gets closer to the end of the school year, I'm going to dye my hair, cut it off, and be crazy. I'm going to reinvent myself, lose a ton of weight over the summer, and finally reach 120 to be skinny by my senior year.
Well.... maybe.
A girl can dream, right?
And dream I shall.

I did enjoy the dinner theater. This guy that was sitting near me kept checking me out, and it was such a confidence booster. I mean, to know that it was possible to be attractive, even when I feel like I look like the size of a house.
But I guess tomorrow is a new day.

My dad is being an ass again. Ugh. That's my cue to go upstairs and ignore him. Whatever. Hope everyone is doing well. I can't wait for Saturday. (:

Holiday times!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas?
What did you do? (If anyone cares to answer. I always feel weird posting questions on here.... like who actually reads them?? xD)

My Christmas went okay.
My dad doesn't do holidays, so I went over to my grandma's to celebrate. My cousins and aunts are here to visit, so it was nice seeing all of them. I never see/talk to them anymore.
Of course, it had to be that day that I got the flu. So I didn't feel much up for doing things, and I didn't want to get anyone else sick. Though at least I didn't have to eat anything, and won't for the next week.

I got to see my nieces and they are so cute. I have 2 nieces and a nephew, and we were doing karaoke. My oldest niece loves to sing. She's such a diva! It was quite cute.
And then we took turns singing karaoke. My uncle is so funny!

And that's where it ends. Everything else in my head - stays in my head. I don't even know how to say it. Or what to write. :/

Happy feels good

Today feels like just any other day. Well, kinda. I did talk to Cimiron last night ^____^ so my mood has improved a ridiculous amount. I just want to dance and run and sing and be happy. I am happy. 3 weeks was wayy too long. Never again.
So that is a great start to my day!


Also, I finished all my Christmas shopping, so now I just have to wrap them. I'm finally starting to be excited for being around my family, and all that comes with Christmas. I don't intend to eat much. Plus I have the worlds worst cramps, so now I have a reason not to eat! I will do this. I'm also really bloated, so I'm a bit excited to weigh myself when I don't have the bloat, as I know I will have gone down. But this not knowing, is kinda killing me.
Bleh. I can't even stay mad about that! I'm too happy!

I think today I'm just gonna take it easy. There's nobody around, nothing to do, well not really, and I feel like cleaning. Why oh why do I get bored and then clean? I don't mind, I kinda like knowing that I've accomplished something.

I'm still trying to make plans with my friends. Or any of them. That's not working out so well. I don't want to spend my break hiding away in my house. I want to be out doing things, hanging out with people, anything! D: Guess I can't force them to.

Hope everyone is doing good, and Merry Christmas!! Xx

Ranting!

Why???
I have like the worst case of bitchiness to accompany my wonderful time of the month. I didn't think I was going to have it! In fact, I can't remember the last time I had it. Which probably isn't a good thing, but I don't care. I like not having it.
Especially times like these when I have horrible curl-in-a-ball-and-try-not-to-cry cramps and If-you-look-at-me-wrong-I-will-massacre-your-face-with-a-fork bitchiness.
-_____________________________- <---- Does this tell you how I feel about it?

Plus, when I get cramps, all I want to do is eat. Which I was already not allowing myself to do, since I need to lose weight, and I have Christmas coming up. Ugh.

Can someone just shoot me? I don't need this, I don't want it, I hate it. I can't wait till I lose so much weight that I no longer have to deal with these. I know that isn't healthy, but it is my thoughts. It's how I feel. I will get there one day, but I will also come back. I will recover. Someday. Right now, it's looking to be wayyyyyyyyy in the future.
At least if I feel like puking I won't want to eat! (:

Anyways, rant over. Now I'm going to go bake a cake (that I have no intention of eating.) (:

Christmas!

I never feel like I can be myself around my family.
Example?

My grandma - When I dyed my hair funky colors (purple and blue) she said that I was doing it because I wanted to be like someone else. When really, I was doing it because I'm crazy. I'm loud, weird, hyper, fun, etc. But not around her. She hates it.
My dad - He doesn't really know anything about me. I'm rarely ever around him anymore, so why should he? That's explanation enough in itself.
My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. - I never see them anymore. Not really. They all live out of state or something, so we don't talk much. There's really nobody around here that is my age, so my crazy-ness doesn't exactly float with them. They prefer I be chill.

The conclusion? I don't like spending much time around my family, but now they are here. And this time, there will be tons of food, and I know I have weird food habits, so I have to hide those from them as well, they can't know about Ana. I have to stay on track. I have about 30 days to lose as much weight as I can. And I will. I refuse to look like a whale in a bikini. If I can help it.


On a brighter note, I did Christmas shopping last night, and I think I'm finally starting to get into the Christmas spirit! It is finally starting to feel the slightest like Christmas.
:D

And it just means I'm that much closer to going to...... HAWAII!!!! ^______^ Can you tell that I'm excited?!!??! Nahh! xD

Now it's time to go socialize! I can't hide away forever! xD

What do you think of me?
Good and bad, I honestly want to know.

Winter Break!!

Finally!!!
I have no finals left. I think I failed my Chem final, but I also took my Spanish final! I think it sucked, but it could have been worse! I hope it doesn't kill my grade!!


Now!
Time to have fun!
I made plans with a friend to hang out in an hour, and I am kinda second guessing that right now. But it will be fun! ^_^
As for the rest of Winter Break (I go back on January 9th) I will have fun!! Not sure how, but I will!!

I really want to post pictures, and I have a lot to say, but for now, it has to wait! (:

Spanish Finals

I am so bad at Spanish. I have to memorize like 5 minutes of dialogue in about half an hour. For my final.

I'm so terrified for this because if I fail, I fail the class. I'm so scared.
Bleh! I hate Spanish!


Wish me luck! >.<

Time flies

I just realized... it's been 3 weeks since I last spoke to Cimiron. I don't think I've ever gone this long without talking to him. Ugh.

Usually when I feel like shit, talking to him just brightens everything, makes me feel so much better, about everything, about my life. About me.
Maybe that's just what I need.
I've been so busy studying for finals, and life has been so crazy recently that I just haven't had time. Or I've felt like shit, because of self harming, because I know what I am doing to my body, etc. So I just haven't called him.
I am such a bad girlfriend. I need to pull my head out of my ass. =P
So I fully intend on trying to call him tonight, and have a very nice conversation. If I am happy (like ridiculously happy) then you know it happened. (:

Just a little thought there.

Hope everyone is doing good!

Not healthy. I know

I was thinking about trying 2-4-6-8....
But then I got to thinking "What if I cut it in half and made it 1-2-3-4?" Then i'm always under 500.
I don't know. I think I might try this. Starting tomorrow. I need a plan. I can do this.

Just so everyone knows, my goal is 175 by the end of December. 170 would be better, but i'm going for 175.

^_^ ^_________^ ^_^

I can't wait for tomorrow!
I have 1 final!!

ONE!!!

Which means I get to relax! ^_^ And it's a Friday!! I don't know if I can get my dad to excuse me, but I am so excited. I got a B on my History Final (one of my toughest classes) and I'm sure I did good on the other ones! (:
I might go hang with a friend (Something I've been needing to do) and just laugh and have a good time.
I need it. I can't wait to do it. So there will definitely be a lot of that going on for Winter Break!!

What are everyone's plans?

Does anyone else feel a lack of Christmas spirit? I didn't even realize how close Christmas was. I mean, it feels like it isn't here yet, like it should still be a month or 2 away. Does anyone else feel like that?


I have some questions for anyone that reads this. Or if you even just pass by.
Just some questions I've been wondering, thinking about.
1. If you had to choose one word to describe me, what would it be?
2. Would you ever be friends with me if you saw me somewhere? Like would you talk to me?
3. Is there anything in particular you would like to read about? Or have me write about?
Ask away! ^_^

Me in 2010

Me in 2011

Me in 2012

I guess I haven't really changed much over the last 3 years. Not from what you see here anyways. But these are my top 3 favorite pictures of me. Conceded much? xD

Nahh! Everyone has to be conceded sometimes!

Going away

More and more things are wrong with me. Or I feel like they are. I have realized just how much I rely on other people, and I hate it. How much I let others do for me, how much I don't do for myself. I don't know.
I just want to be independent. I feel like that is not gong to well recently. I just feel so low. Almost everything I say is negative. I remember this one kid, an ex of someone I used to be friends with. He was so depressed, so negative. Eventually I stopped hanging out with him because i just couldn't take his negativity anymore. I didn't want to be around it.
So I guess I can't blame people for doing that to me.
I promise I will be more positive. I promise. This is  not good, and I will be better. Better and skinnier. I will. I'm sorry.... To everyone reading this.... I'm sorry I've been so negative. I promise to be more optimistic.

Dark thoughts creeping in

I am trying to stay positive, but even that is a challenge. I can feel the dark thoughts in my head, feel all of it. I feel physically sick because of it. I feel like a failure, because I have so much self hate inside of me, but even then I can't do anything about it. I am weak. I hate this. I wish I could just abstain from food forever, or find a sharp knife and cut it all off. I don't even want to write it out. I just want to stop hurting people, but not myself. I wish I could take the pain I inflict upon them and turn it towards me. All of it. I deserve it.

Winter -_-

Most of the time I like Winter.

When it isn't 2 degrees outside. I don't know the actual temperature, but that is what it feels like. I stood outside for 45 minutes, waiting for the bus to go to school. I was late, though not, since I don't have a first hour. But I was intending to use this hour to study for my Psych final, which I finish today. I think I did really well - and I hope it shows.

I feel so boring right now. Like all I can think about is myself, and I hate it. But I just don't feel like being around people. Or being social. I feel like that a lot actually.

I miss laughing with my friends, well one friend in particular. But since we are no longer friends, I can't do that. I need to make new friends. (;

If Ana and I can get along.

Though I did not take these pictures, this is what it looks like right now. Blah! It would be nice if it wasn't so freezing! xD

Oh well. I'm gonna defreeze, and try to enjoy it! ^_^

Optimismish!

That's right. If you understood that word at all, then good for you. But if you didn't, don't worry. It's my word.

I passed my History test yesterday... Didn't do as well as I could have, but definitely much better than all the other tests I've taken in that class. I got a 75% this time, compared to the way low scores I had gotten.

So I'm excited about that! Also, I know I will ace that final, I do believe I take it tomorrow. Right now I have a 72% overall in that class, but the final should bring that up. (:

I take my Psych final today, in about 30 minutes! And I've prepared so much - I know I will ace it! It feels good, because maybe then that will bring my grade up into the B range... which is where I want it to be. (:

I still have to work on my Spanish final, and my English final, but I am trying to not stress about it. English should be easy, the hard one is Spanish. But I can do it!

So in regards to my title of this post - I've been pretty pessimistic lately. And I'm tired of it. I want to smile and laugh, and be happy for once. So I am. I am going to try to be positive and keep my mood up for the rest of today. It's a Tuesday, and I know that the week is far from over. But I've got this. In Chem, I was having such a hard time understanding Stoichiometry, if any of you know what that is. I had 2 people try to explain it to me, but I still couldn't understand it.

Finally, last night, I just did. It just clicked, and though I still can't do it without my notes, I am so happy to say that I am finally getting it!

I have no idea what I weigh - and right now, I don't care to know. I'm in a good mood, and it just doesn't matter. I know that when I get home, I know the first thing I will do is weigh myself, but for right now, I'm just happy.

It feels so good.

I can't wait for the week to be over. I just want a break! Time to breathe, relax, stop stressing. I am also going to try to make plans with a friend. Any friend. If I have any left. Just to get away from being by myself, and I'm going to try to laugh and smile and have a good time. Instead of being so negative. Bleh.

It's a good day!

How is everyone else?

One more week.

FINALS.

So much to study, and I need to do well on these. I have a test today in History (though it isn't my final) and I'm super nervous. I hope I do well, I need the grade.

One more week till winter break! Then 2 weeks of no school, and then I go back for 1 1/2 weeks, then I get another 2 weeks of school! Woo! Can't wait! xD

It's just to get through this week. Don't know if I'll post much. I hate tests.

Hope everyone else is good Xx

Wish me luck!

Bracelet Project.

Has anyone heard of the bracelet project?

I found it and thought it was a good idea. So I'll post it here if anyone is interested. (:

** Each disorder has a color that corresponds to it.
Schizophrenia is Gold.
Bipolar/mood disorders are Silver.
Anorexia is Red.
Bulimia is Purple.
EDNOS is Pink.
Depression is Blue.
Self harm is Orange or Black.
Suicidal is Yellow.
Fasting is Green.
Overweight is Turquoise.
Anxiety/Panic Disorder is Teal.
Other is Brown.
Recovery is White.

You can make the strand the color of your main disorder, or you can just pick any color strand. If you are EDNOS but have more of either Anorexic or Bulimic tendencies, you can add more of that color bead.

If you see someone wearing one in public, you are supposed to make eye contact and point to your bracelet. If that person nods, then you know she is part of the Bracelet Project.

I don't think I will see anyone with a bracelet like the one I made, but I thought it was still a good idea. I made mine so it looks like a normal bracelet, but to me, it means something. It's an unspoken statement about what I'm going through.
Though mine is an anklet.
Here is mine:

Why do I wear purple?

I wear purple because I refuse to let my ED win. Right now, I may not have the will to fight Ana... But I refuse to live like this forever.

I am stronger.

I will recover. Someday.

I wear purple for my best friend who struggled with Ana as well, for the beautiful life she saw that she had. For her strength to get over it. For her support.

I wear purple for all the other ladies, and MEN, out there, struggling with an Eating Disorder. Not just Anorexia or Bulimia. But for BED, NES, and EDNOS as well. We all deserve to love our bodies, to stay strong, and to be happy. I believe that one day, we will.
It is a struggle, but one that we can beat.
It does not have to define us forever.

Crappy heart, I know. But it's my heart. (:

Pessemistic

That's what I am. I have realized this. But I don't know how else to feel. I can't fake happiness right now, I don't have the strength. I can't say that everything is okay, and try to find the bright side. I just can't. Not right now.

To be honest, I've been doing shitty.
I wake up in the morning and cry because I see myself in the mirror, or my reflection in a window, and I hate it. I try so hard to fast and restrict and run and do crunches, and leg lifts, and every exercise I can think of, but it never makes any difference.
I go to school and I can't bring myself to want to do anything but sit in a hoodie and hide. To put in my headphones and just hope that I can make it though another day. Just one day. I go home, and I have to fight the urge to run away. To get out. To do something, anything. I fall asleep crying, and when I wake up in the morning, I have to make myself get out of bed. Sometimes I can't. Sometime I just feel empty. Most of the time, I feel empty. And then I try to starve some more.

I've even tried the opposite, I've tried crash dieting, but it never works. I don't lose the weight. I can't see myself as "okay". I see myself as fat, gross, horrible, selfish, weak, needy, dependent, uncontrollable. It just makes me want to die.
I can't even tell you how many times I've said this. It has become like my script. "I'm fine." all the while inside all I hear is "Fat whore. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're a whale. That's what you are. Look at those thunder thighs, and that stomach. Ugh. You're a whale. The only reason you even have a boyfriend is because he lives far away, and he can't see how fat you've gotten. He can't see how weak you are. I bet he's happy you've stopped talking to him. I bet now he doesn't even have to worry about you. He doesn't need your sorry ass to worry about. Even your dad doesn't want you around. Fat ass."
Every. Single. Day.

I try to combat it, say things like "I love my eyes. Or my legs look good today. But the fact of the matter is - I don't believe it. It is all half hearted, bullshit. I don't believe any of it.
And why should I? The proof is in how much I weigh, how unhealthy I am. The proof is in the mirror. I can't hide there.

I used to be the kind of person that didn't let people in, that kept to herself, relied only on herself. But now I'm not. I miss it more than anything. But I guess I deserve nothing less.

My self harm has gotten worse lately too. I hasn't even stayed at cutting. It's punching things, kicking things (Since I have a broken toe), pushing myself past my limits, etc. I will admit. I've even burned before. I'm not hanging out with people, because all I can do is lie to them. And I don't have the heart for it anymore. I don't want to. So I don't really have friends.

I'm freaking out because I'm doing so bad in school, but it isn't on purpose. I just don't understand it. I try to get help, but I guess I just don't try hard enough.

This is my reality. Nobody here can judge. This is the only place I'm allowed to break down, admit all of this.

I hate being so negative. But there is only so long I can smile and pretend to be happy. I wish I could do something for real, and be happy. But I just can't seem to.

I don't know where to go from here, except down. But it can't even be considered down, because I fail with directions too. I don't want pity, which is why I tell nobody about this. Nobody. The therapist? She blames everything on my hormones, and she doesn't listen to things I say. Not really. So I'm lying about everything to her. The few friends I've made that have supported me through blogging? I can only tell them so much. I don't lie, but I hold things back, because I don't want my negativity to bring them down.

As bad as it sounds, I could deal with hurting, hating myself, etc. if only I could lose weight. But I can't even do that. So there's no point.

I don't know where to go from here.

But this is my reality.

Imagine

Imagine.

You're standing on the sidewalk, and its a sunny bright day. Actually warm, for this time of year, compared to how it had been the last few days. Yet your still freezing.
Slowly glancing around, you see dozens of other people. Some going home, some going to a friends, some going to who-knows-where.
The one thing you have in common? You want to leave just as much as them. But you can't make your feet move.
You look at the ground, wondering what you'll do. Go home? Or go to the library first to get some work done?
It turns out. Neither
Looking up, you catch the eyes of someone you once knew. It wasn't more than a year ago that she stopped talking to you. Granted, you weren't great friends, but still, thoughts of the conversations you had and the things she is going through race through your head.
You drop your gaze quickly, but you can't help glancing over at her every few seconds, just to see. Yep. No mistaking it. It's the same person. And she is glancing at you as well. You want to say hey, I mean, after all you used to be friends, right? But you can't. You will yourself to say something, to walk that 10 feet and say something. But you can't.
Finally, your ride honks at you, and you're startled. You didn't know that they were there. You don't care. You're lost in thoughts of how she is doing, and envy.

This girl - We were never too good of friends. I don't even remember much about how I met her. All I remember is that it was over Facebook. I had seen her around school, many times, but never talked. I noticed her among other people, but never said anything.
What was the harm in adding her on Facebook?
None.
Soon, we started chatting, and chatting became texting. A lot. I soon came to find out that she was into a lot of the same music as I was, that her favorite color was also yellow. I learned that she struggled with SH (as I had at the time) and that we shared a lot of the same opinions about bizarre subjects. She loved to read, and so did I. Thanks to her, I have fallen in love with V For Vendetta (a movie) and Girl, Interrupted (a book). We had the potential to be great friends. And that is something I have a hard time with.
We never did really become friends. Though we texted, we never really hung out, we never said anything to each other in school. I knew who she was, saw who her friends were, etc. I still wonder if she knew anything about me. If she knew there was a connection between the person she texted, and I. Then one day, my Sophomore year, she just stopped talking to me. I don't think it was anything personal, but still. I wasn't hurt, but I was curious. Then this year, I started talking to her, and seeing her in school. I found her blog, and reading her posts, well.... There's something about her that I connect with. I have the same opinions on a lot of things as her, but I can't find the words to express it. She does.

Standing there on the sidewalk, I couldn't help but wonder if she was okay, if she was doing well with her ED. Yes, she has one as well, though from what I've read on her blog, she is mostly recovered. She still relapses sometimes, but she stays strong. I wish I could say something to her, but I have no way of knowing if my attempts to reach out have ever been heard. Or if she even cares. Maybe I just won't know.
This is starting to sound like a love story..... Or to me it is anyways. So I'm just gonna end it there and call it good.

Why am I talking about this? I don't know.
Just some thoughts on my mind.
Letting you ever farther into my world, letting you see what makes me tick the way I do. (:

Being a bitch doesn't always work

I was horrible to this kid who wants to be friends with me. Let me explain a bit first though.

We met through a creative writing thing we were going to try to start up at my school. He is an amazing artist.

We quickly became friends and he wanted to hang out all the time, talk all the time, be around me all the time. He was so honest with me. And I him. For a while. I tried telling him that we couldn't be friends, because that would end in him getting hurt. he told me about his ex step-dad and how he treated him like shit. How he doesn't think after that I could do anything to hurt him. I didn't care. I just told him no, we can't be friends.

He found a way to hang out with me, completely disregarded everything I said. And then I pushed again, saying we couldn't be friends, that we weren't and that he should just go away. He still didn't take the hint. I've tried this a good share of times. It doesn't work.

I told him about how k was having some issues that I needed to deal with on my own right now, and that therefore I didn't want any friends. He got really nosy and tried to help. But I didn't want his help.

He didn't listen.

It's been like that for a while. And keep in mind, I've made him cry. I've hurt him enough to make him cry, and god damn. It makes me feel like utter shit. I hate it. But if he crys over something I said, and hates me, so be it.

Anyways, about 2 nights ago, he met Ana. My eating disorder. Or rather, he met the dark side of me. I was a total bitch to him, but he didn't listen - still. I'll post a bit of the conversation, just so you can understand.

I'm gonna call him A.

Me: If promises are meant to be broken, then you've given me even more of a reason not to trust you. Whatever. Just get over me, give up. Otherwise, you're just gonna hurt yourself.

A: Some promises are not all of them. I've kept secrets if that's what you are saying. I am not the piece of shit jerks who go tell their best friends. Sorry but that's the nicest thing I have to say for people like them. I've had that done to me, I will never go down that path. It's worse to see someone close to you do it to you and a friend. You really don't know me then if you say to give up because I'm gonna get myself hurt. I've been hurt, but never by you.

Me:Whatever. I guess you will do whatever you want. But you SHOULD give up. You SHOULD leave me  alone. You SHOULD just accept it. You and I are not friends. We will never be friends. It's as simple and as harsh as that.

A: Give me a reason. One damn reason, okay?

Me: I don't want friends. I'm fine on my own.

A: How am I going to get hurt?

Me: That doesn't even matter anymore. I'm tired of this argument. Just LISTEN TO ME.

A: Fine. I'll text you on Christmas day to say I've got your present. Then I'll be gone.

The next day he hung out with me like nothing had ever happened. I've told him to fuck off before. He doesn't listen. And he makes me feel guilty for telling him to go away. I don't know what to do. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be friends with him. I don't want to hang out with him. I just want to be on my own again.

I don't know how else to go about this.

Any ideas?

I'm bad at titles.

Monday night was... crazy.
I fasted all of yesterday, and then had a series of eating periods when I got home. First it was cookies. But I figured I'd burn them off, no big deal. Then it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Ugh. A very nice friend, Strala,  reminded me continuously through the night why I shouldn't eat. It was difficult, but I'm proud to say that I got through it. Now if I can only apply that to today.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to eat. I ended up eating about 3 meals (A first for me) and I managed to keep the anxiety at bay by telling myself that it was okay, because I was gonna fast today. (That rhymes xD)
I am thinking of doing this thing, where I eat whatever for a day, then fast for a day, then eat whatever, then fast.
Except I would increase the day of fasting every week. So the first week would be 1 day of fasting every other day, the 2nd week would be 2 days of fasting every other day, the thirds would be 3 weeks of fasting, and go until I get to 7, then work my way back down. Keeping my metabolism good, but losing weight.

A friend of mine also suggested the 2468 diet. I think that could be a good idea. It would certainly provide the same results - kinda. I'm worried about my metabolism. Since it is used to eating very little food, I kinda want to get it used to larger amounts so that when I fast, it goes smoother and I can lose more weight. I go to Hawaii in just under 40 days. I better get my ass in gear.

On another note, I can't sit in the library anymore. Or rather, the one place I actually wanted to be, I no longer can. I feel like I'm always around someone. If I come into the library to work, one of my friends is always there. They find me, then they sit by me, and they want to talk/hang out. Sounds horrible, right? No. But I can't ever get any work done.
And sometimes you just want to be alone, you know?

In color guard  since I already knew how to do the things they were teaching the other, new, kids, she taught me how to throw a trick. It's so much fun, and scary as hell, but it looks so cool!
I'm so excited! :D I usually hate practices, because we dance a lot, but when we do equipment, suddenly I like it! Practice was pretty good. It feel like it's taking up a lot of my time, and finals are next week, so I'm stressing a bit. I have like 4 essays to write. I hate writing essays, but what can I do?
At least I can try to make them fun!

Yay for updates! Today I hope goes well. I have a lot to do, and not enough time, but I'm going to just breathe. Fasting should help me with this, because the less time I spend eating, the more time I have to do everything else. (:

Stay strong

Demi Lovoto is one of my biggest inspirations. She is so strong, after battling both Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as depression, she still came out on top. She is amazing. I love her.
I hope that one day I can be like that for someone. Anyone. I want to inspire, encourage, and be strong.

Taking it one moment at a time.

My day started with skipping my first class. I have to take the bus to school, so I was already late. I could have gone to my second period (I have first period off). But instead, I found myself in the library. Sitting here.

Not that that is a bad thing.

I wonder what today will bring.
Last night, I had a bad night. I will be honest. Maybe it will help.
All of my suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hatred, come at night.
2 days ago, a friend had to talk me down from doing something, anything, stupid. Running away, suicide, something I couldn't undo. I never did anything, but I was so close. I was numb to caring about myself. I just wanted to die, to be okay. (Totally opposite, but whatever.)
Then last night, I had found a way to manage eating. I was kinda doing well.... And a friend volunteered to help me through meals if I needed the support. The problem with that, I couldn't text when I needed her most. It was at my niece's birthday party. I didn't want to eat the cake, but I was being told I was disrespectful. Long story short - I ate it. And when I tried to text my friend for support, my phone got taken. So I was kinda in a bad spot.

The anxiety didn't come till later, when I was making cookies. I ate some of the cookie dough, it's always been my favorite part of making cookies. But it set off LOADS of anxiety, and anger, and self hate thoughts. So I self harmed. A lot. Realizing, later, that there were better options, but at the time, all I saw was that. All I knew was that I needed to hurt, I deserved it, for eating that damn cake and cookie dough. Even this morning, I still feel the anger.
Usually other people aren't mad at me, or they get over it quickly. I never, if rarely, forgive myself, and I hold things against myself to the highest degree. I am myself's worst critic. I know this, and some how it makes me proud. The self harm scars/soon-to-be-scars make me proud. Because when this is all over, they will be a reminder that I have hit such a low point, and that I got back up. A reminder that I can't give up. That I am worth something. They are kinda like battle scars. For me. I hate when everyone else sees them. Or kinda.

The ones all down my thigh though, I wonder how I will explain those to Cimiron. (my bf). I love him so much, and I see how much it hurts him when I hurt myself, when he hears about my ED. He doesn't know much about Ana and I. All he knows is that I used to have Bulimia. Not anymore. When he left last summer, I promised him that I would try to stop the self harm. For myself, for him. That plan both worked and failed. It failed, for obvious reasons. It worked, because I've self harmed so much less. Hopefully it can soon be never. He makes me want to be better. To be stronger, to be healthy. At least until I remember all the reasons why I became sick in the first place. I can't pin everything on him though. I have to want to do this for myself. I have to want to be strong, to get better. And I still don't want to do that yet.

On another note, I met a very wonderful person. I can't even tell you how I met her, I don't even really know. Other than I saw her comment on a blog, and I decided to text her, to try to get support, and to support her. Simple as that. She's been amazing to me. It means a lot.
So I told her about the disaster last night, and we've agreed that we're both going on a fast today. I've heard that if you fast after you binge, you lose more weight. I hope this is true. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. If it is true, I may have found a solution (however unhealthy) to my problem. It won't be easy, life with Ana never is. But it is possible. That's all I need.

I've completely given up on ABC. In case anyone was interested. I followed it till about day 14, but then I lost track of where I was, got into a binging cycle, and a self harm cycle. Then I got out of that, and just kinda gave up. It was working for me, so I might give it a try later. But for now, I'm not following any plan other than a day to day one. Today is fasting. I can do this.

Who knows what the rest of today will bring? I am not going to worry about it. I am just going to take each moment as it comes, do what I feel like. I hope I can get somewhere with this.
I hope everyone has a great day, take care. Xx I love every one of my readers, and the support that I get from everyone. it has kept em going, because you are all so wonderful. (:

Looking Forward

I am being productive today. Or trying.
I'm going to throw myself into school, do my chores, enjoy my last day of the weekend, and try my hardest to not eat.
My body is used to living on 1 meal a day, so therefore, to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.

Not easy.
Life with Ana is never easy.
But it's worth it.

My dad finally booked tickets and a condo for Hawaii in January. I am excited to go.
But I'm terrified. It will all be shorts and tank tops and bikini's. I don't want to be fat. I hate the way my thighs jiggle when I walk. That's the worst. So if I can lose a little bit of weight, then I can feel that much better.

I have until January 22nd. That's when we leave. I have to work my hardest.
I can do this.
Ana can help me.

I'm going to try to stay goal oriented and not give into the negative thoughts. The ones that tell me I will always be fat. That I will always be that girl. I won't.

I've got a long to do list today, and hopefully I can do it. Finals are in 2 weeks. I'm terrified. Most of them are easy, the only hard ones will be World History, Spanish, and Chem. I am so bad at Chem. I just don't understand it. Maybe I can bullshit my way thorough it, to pass. (:

So far so good today. I'm feeling good. Hope I can keep it up.
Hope life for everyone out there reading this is well. If it isn't, well I'm always here to talk, if you want. Xx

Last straw

Just kill me now.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not worth it.
I can do it.
I'm fucking worthless...... Please.... just kill me now.

OCD much?

I've been learning about what OCD is. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I've met some people who have it. I don't think I do. Well maybe. I am nothing like them, or not as bad. But I have my own little things. If I draw a chart or something of the likes the lines have to be straight. Otherwise I will sit there for the longest time fixing them until they are just right. The same goes for if I'm reading something. I will get kinda obsessive and freak out if I can't read it till I'm done. Not outwardly freak out, but I get anxious inside. Every thought focuses on getting through whatever's going on so that I can just go read it. Books, blogs, poems, you name it.

I've learned that it's possible to have tendencies of the disorder, without actually having it. I also know that it's common for people with Anorexia to have OCD (Full blown or just tendencies). I guess I fit into Ana more than I thought I did. This makes me the slightest bit happy. Now, to just lose some more weight. I'm running out of time (not literally). I wish I knew some people here that were going through this. But sadly, I don't. In some ways, it would help, because I could possibly get competitive, but at the same time, to just be able to talk to someone would be so nice.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm so tired, and thanks to that, I'm heading to bed. (:
Night! Xx

Ramblings

I don't really want this post to be about food or eating or weight. That's not what's on my mind right now.

The problem?

I don't know what is on my mind right now. It feels like all of my thoughts are there, jumbled, and when I try to reach out to grab one, they are just out of reach. I feel like I know what they are about, but at the same time, they're a mystery to me.

Today was a good day, I started out feeling pretty shitty, but then I got to classes, enjoyed them, enjoyed myself, and was in a good mood. Then I ate dinner. It brought me down a lot, because I felt like shit, but hey, that happens. I'm not letting that get to me.

I'm tired of feeling this horrible emptiness or the anger. I want to be happy. I want to smile, laugh, talk, breathe, if only for a little while.

I need to find a way to do this. Something I haven't tried before. Anyone have any ideas?

What makes you guys laugh? Smile?

I feel like when I write here, it's the only place I can truly be me. But either way, there are some things I can't say. Mostly because I'm afraid of disappointing people. That's never been a fear of mine, but on here it is.. Maybe I should just say everything.

The love and support I've gotten from people on here means the world to me. I'm afraid that if I let everything out, people would tell me that what I'm doing is wrong and that I should do *Insert right thing here* instead. But since I can't listen to them, or follow that advice, I feel like I let them down. So I'm slowly learning the balance. Between things that I'm actually feeling, and things that will pass soon. Time.

I have no idea what tomorrow brings, other than Therapy. I'm lying through my teeth about almost everything. About what I'm eating, how much I exercise. Everything that could lead to her finding out about Ana - I lie.

I know that people are paying for this. They are paying a much lower price than standard therapists run, but nonetheless - they are paying. I'm committed for the next 8 weeks, we'll see what I can do.

I don't even know if this makes any sense - I'm so tired but i', not allowed to sleep yet. Woo. Hope everyone's doing well. Comments are always welcome! As well as suggestions. (:

The cycle continues

I slept for a decent 8 hours last night... but I'm soo tired this morning!!
I don't understand. I need to change my schedule because I have off periods every morning, (WHERE I COULD SLEEP IN) but I always have work to do, so I never have time. Bleh! Change is on the horizon here.

I'm not very talkative on here lately, because I don't have anything to say. Basically, I've been eating like nothings wrong for the past like weekish? Probably more. And thanks to that, I've gained all the weight back. I can't even stand to look at myself.
So, to try again, I'm going to give myself the month of December to lose at least 5 lbs. Not much to you guys, maybe. But I have to.
With going to Hawaii in January, I really don't want to look like this. I have good days and bad days, but really. I have to change something. And it's starting today. I had breakfast, to boost my metabolism. But that's it for the day. I refuse to eat anything else. For once, I agree with Ana.

Every time I try to read blogs or write, someone shows up, like a friend. They always want to know what I'm writing about and it's too hard to hide everything. I just want to be alone.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want a few hours by myself.. So I don't have to hide and lie and make conversation, when all I really want to do is sit with my thoughts, or write. By myself.
With nobody around.

There's a kid that I had been friends with, and I kept him at a distance, because I didn't want him to know about Ana and I. Or anything. He had enough problems of his own, and I didn't need to be one of them. We've had a lot of instances where I told him to leave me alone, or that we couldn't be friends, and it never stuck. We always became friends again. And I'll admit... I like having him around, but I didn't deserve it.
Yesterday, he noticed something I said about my problems, and tried to offer advice. I listened, and told him that everything was fine. He said that he only wanted to help because he cared about me, and I told him not to. It eventually escalated, and I told him to leave me alone, for good. He said fine. So we're not friends anymore.
This is what happens. Every time I find someone who has potential to be a good friend, I push them away, hurt them until they hate me.
It's all I ever do.
I feel like utter shit for hurting him, but it's for the best.
I know I probably did the wrong thing, but it was the only thing I could do. I didn't want him to find out about Ana, though I know he suspected. I didn't want to hurt him, though that's exactly what I did.
I guess I just have to deal with it now. I made the call, I made the lethal move...
So why do I feel so horrible about it?

Am I really that much of a masochist?

Flashbacks..

I was waiting at the bus stop on my way to go home about a half an hour ago... When cop cars and firetrucks and ambulances rushed to a house about 30 feet from the stop I was waiting at. At first I was like everyone else, just watching, wondering what was going on, as there was an abnormally large amount of cop cars there.

It was all fine until... Until I saw the kids being escorted out of the house. They couldn't have been older than 10... It brought back a lot of memories.

Memories from when I was the kid being escorted to the cop car, my dad arriving on the scene confused, my brother following close behind me. When I was taken away.

The glare of the lights, the shouting voices... it all came back.

I'm shaking now... barely able to type.

I can't make those memories stop rushing through my head...

December/People

It's finally December!! I'm so excited for this fact, because I love December, for some reason. I know it has nothing to do with the holidays... I don't particularly like Christmas. I don't hate it, but it isn't my favorite holiday either. It seems like everyone changes during the holidays, and that nothing is real. That's just my opinion. I think too much. I think.

I also don't like the extreme cold temperatures we go through here. But this winter I'm going to Hawaii!!!! :D :D So I'm actually excited!!! :D

I still don't know what I weigh. I've had plenty of times to check, but I just can't bring myself to do it. So I'm going to do it Tuesday. Tomorrow. I have to know. Today is a 500 day for the ABC, and I just can't bring myself to eat. So I guess today and tomorrow are gong to be fasting days. This is my way of getting back on track, because I've felt so out of control this last week. With everything. I need to reach my goal.

And seeing as it is a new month.... I'm going to make a goal. I want to reach 165 by the end of December. That's a lot, I know. But I need to. I'm not going to break that down into weight I have to lose weekly, because that will only freak me out. But that's my goal. Hard to do, almost impossible. But we'll see what December brings!!

On another note... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like the people I've come to depend on could just turn and run to watch me fall at any second. I don't like it. So I'm reclaiming my independence. I don't need anyone. Put simply, I'm turning my phone off for an indefinite amount of time. Maybe. We'll see how it goes. I may just avoid talking to certain people.

I'm not used to this. Not used to depending on people. And it makes me so nervous. I hate it. So I'm getting it back.

My head is just a jumble of thoughts recently. I've reached my first goal weight, finally. (: Now I just have to stay there. And hopefully I can. That's all I have to say right now.

Now it's off to class to smile and jump through hoops and pretend like I actually care. I got this. xD

Random Nonsense

Today was interesting.
I woke up late for guard practice, so I got there late. When we were dancing, I did a dorjite? However you spell it. But I landed wrong, and It's possible i may have broken my toe. Woo. It is SO swollen, and it's black and blue. Bleh. I need to run and do crunches, but I can't with an injured toe.
Part of me wishes it was broken, because then I'd have finally broken something, but at the same time, I hope I haven't because that would take away my ability to run.
I ate way too much today. I've been reckless the last few days. I need to get back on track. And I need to start being more conscious. Tomorrow's Sunday. The start of a new week. What better day to do it??
:D

It's December!!! :D
I don't know why, but I love December!!! It's so nice, but normally It's cold as hell here. Today it was actually warm and I loved it!! I hope it stays like this before getting really cold since then I'll be in Hawaii!!

I'm excited, and I felt the need to write. But I'm not sure how much sense this makes!!

Friday!

Last night while dancing at guard, I hurt my foot. I couldn't walk, and I was hoping my instructor wouldn't notice, as I wanted to keep dancing, to learn. But after I started crying, well, that went out the window. She told me to sit out the rest of the practice.
I wanted to be able to dance, but I didn't want to hurt my foot anymore than I already had. So I sat out. Bleh.

I feel so... bad. Like not in a bad mood, or anything. But like I shouldn't be around anyone. Because to those that are normal, I feel like my negativity is something they shouldn't have to experience, and to people on here that have recovered, I feel like i'm letting them down. They try to help, they give such great advice, but I feel like because of where i'm at right now, I don't deserve it. Or like i'm letting them down because I can't follow it. That's why i'm pulling away from everyone, because for one, they don't deserve to go through this, but two, I feel like i'm letting them down, and I can't stand that.
Some days I want to be normal, some days I know I need to try harder, and then I can lose the weight and get healthy, and some days I just want to die. I don't know what day i'm going to have, but I do know it's always one of those three. Am I the only one feeling this way? Why can't I just be okay?

I'm so encompassed in anger, I can't see anything else. I get mad at everyone for everything, but if you saw me, you'd never be able to tell. Unless you actually do something, then I might have some problems. I want to be alone, and I don't want anyone to worry about my life, but i've also grown so used to having people around, people to talk to, I can't do that. Now, to stop being negative!
______________________________________________________________________

I get to go driving today!! And she's going to help me learn things to get my permit, so that people can teach me how to drive without it being illegal! So i'm super excited for that!

My foot is feeling better. Kinda. At first we thought that it was just a cramp, but when it got worse, we thought maybe I had torn something. The pain is more tollerable now, and i'm glad. I have guard tomorrow too. Starting bright and early at 8 am. Grr.
I hate that guard is taking up so much of my time, I mean, we've never practiced this much before.

But it's a good day :D

Or not

Apparently, I was wrong. I gained an entire pound. This makes me feel horrible.
But I guess I deserve it. I mean, after yesterday. This morning didn't go out really well with eating, so I decided to fast the rest of the day/liquids only. But the damage was already done.
I am setting a goal of 175 by Saturday. That's 2 lbs in 2 days. I can do it. I bet a lot of today's weight is just water weight, but after working out at Guard tonight, I'll more likely do some crunches. And then tomorrow, I intend to go running, in the morning perhaps.
I will achieve that goal. And when I do, it will feel amazing.

On to other things...
I am making a shirt!! :D On the front it's going to say "Because I deserve to be okay" and I'm looking for a short quote about an ED to go on back. I don't want it to be entirely obvious that it's about an ED though. Does anyone have any ideas?

I get to go driving again tomorrow!! :D :D
I'm so excited!!!
That's kinda what I'm happy about at the moment! :D

(:

After all the fucking up I did of my weight loss, I only gained .5 of a lb. I can deal with this. It's not that big of a deal. Not the best, but I know that after today, hopefully I won't gain anymore. I hope that I'll be able to lose wight.
Now I'm off to a therapy appointment, I'm terrified, but I know she can't do much. This is to just talk about my anxiety and mood swings.
Not much of a post, but just an update. Just thinking.

With the good comes the bad

So I posted about the good parts of my day... now for the not so good parts.
I put this in a separate post - because I'm just going to write about everything. Whether it be healthy, not healthy, horribly negative, doesn't matter.
Just everything.
So that I can feel like I have gotten it off my chest.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT NEGATIVITY. IF YOU ARE IN A GOOD MOOD - YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS POST. Your choice. So here goes.

I went driving today. I was so excited, I wanted to tell someone and be happy together. Who did I automatically go to text? My ex-best friend. I hate those words. They sound so dramatic.
I wanted to tell her. And when I realized that I couldn't tell her, well, I wanted to tell her anyways because I'm so mad at her. I want to hurt her, scream at her, fight with her, anything. Mostly hurt her though. I didn't think I was so affected by this. Why can't 2 years of friendship just disappear.... *Poof!* like that?
I can't worry about that too much though. I guess I just have to move on.
When I got back from driving, I was excited. I wanted to tell my dad. But I know he would have a farm, and a few extra, if he even knew about me driving before I had my permit. Sometimes I wish that he could be there for me. Could listen to me, acknowledge me. Whenever I ask him something, it's always "Whatever." So I've given up asking. I guess I can't expect anything else.
My grandma had a similar reaction. I didn't really tell her as much as I wanted to, but she still freaked out. When I told her how I was going next week to the person's house in which took me driving so that she could help me get my permit, she just looked at me. I can't describe the expression on her face. Like I was a failure because I couldn't learn it on my own. Like I am just too stupid to get it.
My family knows so little about me. They don't know what I want to do, they don't know that I'm crazy and spontaneous, that I like to laugh. They don't know that I like to run, they don't know that I struggle in school. They don't know that I'm not in Orchestra anymore, or what I want to go to college for. They don't know my favorite color, or 3 things I believe in. They don't know what I like/don't like. They don't know me. I always have to hid myself when I'm at home. If I'm at my dad's, I'm always in my room. If I'm at my grandma's, I'm out running/walking/wandering. This is partly my fault. I don't let them know some things about me. But that's because they're so judgmental  I tried to tell my dad that I wanted to go to college to play the violin - he basically told me I'm not good enough. I told him that I want to run - he laughed at me. I tell him what I'm doing - he can't remember. I do something nice - he tells me what I did wrong.
That's just my dad. Most of the time I can deal with it. But I can't help wishing I didn't have to hide. I don't want them to know me exactly, I like the unknown. But I wish I didn't have to hide.
Not all of it is their fault - as much as I'd like to blame them for it. If my grandma asks me about a friend - I tell her as little as possible. If she asks me how I am - I say "Fine". I despise that word. Just because it's a cop out. It is what you say when you don't want to talk to anyone. That's exactly why I use it with her. If she asks me about school - I always tell her it's either "Fine" or "Good" even if it isn't. Like right now. I can't tell her anything. I feel like she would make too big a deal out of it. Last time I told her I had a C - IN GEOMETRY (A subject she knows I'm HORRIBLE at) she just told me that I could do better, and that she was disappointed. That she expected me to do better. And of course, her getting on me every day didn't help me. That's just who my grandma is. It's my fault too though. She's right. I CAN do better.

When I got home, I was supposed to cook dinner for my grandparents. So I did. I wasn't going to eat, because I had stayed at 45 all day long, and I was proud. I didn't want to go over the goal of 100 for the day. After that, I washed my hands, to get all of it off my hands. But now, looking back, I see that's where it started.
While making the food I had a piece of ham. Just one. I wanted it. But about 10 minutes after that, it was followed by chips, fudge, more chips, more fudge, and a cookie. I should have expected this. I was so happy about my goal, and now I've probably gained all of it back. I am such a failure. I am so strong, but at my grandparents, where there's food EVERYWHERE.... I always fail. I worked out a lot yesterday, so I'm hoping that would help. I also work out a lot tomorrow too.. I hope I don't gain the weight back. I need this. This is the first thing I've really accomplished in a while. I want to keep it for a bit. I almost weighed myself today, but after eating, I know I'd weigh more, and I'd rather weight till tomorrow morning, when I'm all clean. Ugh. I am such a whale. I'm not supposed to say things like that.
Ever since then... I have a few dark thoughts on repeat in my head. I keep trying to drown them out, but to no avail. I have tried blasting music, singing, texting, writing posts, nothing helps. All I hear constantly on repeat is "You can't even succeed for one day. You'll never reach your goal" and "Fudge? You ate fudge? You don't deserve it. Look at yourself" or my favorite "Fat. That's what you are. You're too weak to do anything about it. You'll be fat forever. A joke." I hate this.
I want out, but I don't ever want to let go. My eating disorder is the only thing I know how to properly hold on to. Everything else seems to be slipping out of my grasps. Like I can't hold on to anyone. I don't want to. I've stopped seeing the people around me as friends. As people to talk to. They are more the enemy. The pain, the reason I'm the way I am. They are just standing in my way. I can't remember the last time I had a "normal" day. Like spent more than 5 minutes without exercising, thinking about what I eat, or restricting. That makes me so sad... Because reading back over some posts here, I can see when I was so hopeful for recovery. Not anymore. I don't know where it went, but it's gone. Now it's just me and him. That's another thing. Most girls think of their ED's as "her", as in a girl. Mine is a guy. It's a "he" but not like you'd think. I don't know.
I have some theories about that, but i'll not get into those.
I am partly writing this to relieve anxiety and anger, but also to keep my mind off of myself. I feel like know i've eaten WAY too much today, probably fucked up all of the progress that I had made. I've probably gained all of my weight back. Fuck. Tomorrow, i'm supposed to have 200 calories, but i'm so tempted to fast. I guess i'll see how I feel in the morning. I am hoping to post, just my thoughts on my weight, and what i'm doing tomorrow. I can't even look at myself. I'm writing this standing up because i'm afraid to sit down. Sitting down is when I truly look fat. Standing up, I look somewhat less fat. And considering my state of mind right now, sitting down can only bring bad news. Plus, standing up burns calories. I'm such a whale. :(
The weight is not going fast enough. I know why. It's a result of all the times I stuff my face. I should have stayed at 45 today. It was soo well. Urgh.
I really really want to talk to Cimiron, as it's been a while. I feel horrible for that. Anytime I go too long without talking to him, I feel like shit. He brightens my mood. Every time he says "I love you" I realize that someone can actually love me, that I'm worth something. Silly, I know. But it's true. I love him so much. He always puts a smile on my face, and I think that is something I need right now. And since this week has been kinda busy, I think I'll call him Friday. Just to talk. I really wish I lived up there. Wish I could give him a hug every time I felt like shit. Have him there just to know that I'm okay, that I am not a complete failure.
But I also know at the same time, that I am kinda glad for the distance. I wouldn't be able to do the things I do, eat how much I eat, exercise this amount, with him here. Or I there. Because I know that would be letting him down, and it kills me to know that he is sad or worried about me. That's the worst. Everyone else's disappointment I can deal with, but his, well, no. I'd do anything I could to make him happy, take away his troubles. I never want him to worry about me.

I'm losing my energy to keep writing... So there will probably be more later... but it felt good to get a lot off my chest here..

Not as hard as it looks!

I went driving today. I don't have my permit yet, but I still went driving on a deserted road, with no other cars around. Well almost.
I did really well, and then we went to a road that had lines, and that was a bit harder, but still! I did REALLY well for my first time ever driving! Not as hard as it looks.
I get to go driving again on Friday, and this time I'm going to learn what is necessary for me to get my permit. (The thing that allows me to drive.) I would have had it by now, but they make everything so complicated.
I don't know why - they just have to use all the technical words. I don't understand it that way, not that I can learn it from a book anyways. I'm the kind of person that has to have it applied. In order to understand it.

So that definitely made my day better, and I can't wait to go again Friday.
Today's been really relaxing, actually. I went almost the whole day without being anxious, or having anxiety attacks. It was so nice.

I've got my therapy appointment tomorrow, as well as guard. I have to get up at 5:30 am. So early!! >.<
Thursday I don't start school until almost 9!! Ugh.
I don't want to go! And then I have guard that night, from 5:30 to 8:30.... It's gonna be a long day.
But on the bright side... it means that I can make up for all the horribleness I've put myself through today. Hopefully more than make up for it.
I'm gonna write about that in another post, because for once I just wanted to be positive. Happy.

So that was my day. I can't believe tomorrow's Thursday. It feels like this week has gone by REALLY fast. Like I've barely had a chance to breathe. It's so stressful, but at the same time, so relaxing. I don't know. I know that's contradictory.
So now, I'm just gonna spend the rest of my lovely night (Or morning for some people) listening to music, and trying to stay happy.

Random fear/strong dislike

BATHROOMS.
I don't know why.

I hate them.
I fear them. In a sense. They are so gross.
I do everything I can to avoid them.
I don't have any reason whatsoever for this random strong dislike. But every time I have to go into one, well, I try to make it as quick as possible.
They have so many germs, but the surprising thing is, they have less germs than your mouth. I'm sure you didn't want to know that! [;
Not sure why I felt the need to share this, but I did.

I am so abnormal. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I am. And I'm proud of it.

I want to know what it's like...

This video is heart wrenching. It meant so much to me, I found it on a blog of someone I follow. This is so strong, so true. And I admire all of these people.
I, myself, am not gay, but I support them in every way.
My dad is one of those people who are against gays. He says that it is wrong. That they don't belong. I am trying to change that. Some of my friends don't believe in it either. What is so wrong with it? It's not a disease. I just wish more people could believe it. Without any other words, as I believe the video speaks it's own, here is the video. Please leave any thoughts, share it, anything. (:

This is an amazing video. Xx

I love...

Days when I get out of school early.
Days when I don't have much to do.
Days when I'm not hungry.
Days when I can be crazy.
Days when I feel good and want to run.
Days when I can hang out with friends.
Elephants.
Penguins.
MUSIC
Reading
Tulips
Panthers
Blue
The letter "e" in the alphabet
To sing
To write
Yellow roses
The number 6
Italy
New York
Turtles
Lelouch from "Code Geass"
Making snow angels
Short dresses
Singing
Showers
And many more things!!

Just felt like posting about this, for some reason!

Mornings

I am usually never a morning person.
Or.. it depends.
If I get up in the morning and just start getting ready, I am lazy and quiet the rest of the day. I don't want to do anything, I just have that kind of attitude.
But if I get up and take a shower or do something like that, I feel refreshed and energized. I feel happy. It's interesting.

Today is one of those "no shower" days. I took one last night as I didn't want to get up this morning. But somehow, I feel unbelievably calm. Maybe I'm still riding an inside high from the weight loss, but I'm scared to hope. I'm scared to be happy about it because then I know that somehow I will screw it up, and I will gain all of it right back. It's weird.

A few days ago a friend of mine (S, for this post, because I'm tired of saying "a friend of mine") and I were talking. I was telling her about this kid that I keep pushing away because I feel like I'm going to hurt him, so I feel guilty. I mean, he's so nice and kind and sweet, and I don't want to ruin that. So we basically just stopped being friends. Anyways, I was talking to S about it, and I told her how even though I was being a complete and total bitch to him, he still wanted to get me a Christmas present. He straight up told me that he wants to buy me an Ipod, since mine got lost/stolen and music is my life. I of course freaked out a bit and told him no, but he didn't listen. S told me that I should let him do it, because he wants to, and also because it would make me happy.
She said that I seem to be denying myself a lot of things, simply because they make me happy. I know this is true, but I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. But I know that is wrong, and that I do deserve to be happy. That's been on my mind for a while. I know that happiness isn't a destination, but I feel like I have to do certain things to get there. I hope any of that makes sense?

I've recently followed a lot of new blogs (14) so I'm trying to catch up on them. Reading a few of their posts though, has brought me to wonder... Why do people read my blog? At first I thought it was because I was interesting, then I thought because I had an ED and was trying to recover, "recover" being the key word. Now though, I feel like I've just fallen downward, and hit the bottom. But still, people keep following me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that they are following me ^_^ (sounds really stalker like) but I can't help wondering why? If anyone is following me and is reading this and would like to tell me why, I wouldn't mind (: But you don't have to.

So that's my day, basically. Not doing much, feeling relaxed, and driving after school. (: And of course, reading blogs!! :D I think I'm addicted.

WOO!!!

This may not seem like good news to a lot of you, but to me, it's the best thing that could happen. Or almost.
I lost 5 lbs!!! Which means I am now 1 lb away from my first goal weight!!
I am so excited, and it's only day 4!!!! :D
Just thought I'd share this news. Now off to guard to burn more calories!!! :D :D :D

Now to aim for lower (:

Everything jumbled coming out

I feel like my week is so full. But yet I don't really have anything to do. I really need to just breathe - I mean, it's only Tuesday, I just need to chill.

I am going for driving lessons tomorrow after school, (even though I don't have my permit yet) and I'm so super excited. The thing is - I can't learnt he rules of the road unless I am in the car, and someone else is telling me about them. i can't read it from a book. Or... I can, it just doesn't stick with me.

I've been eating breakfast these last few days... but not much else. I just don't feel hungry, so therefore I get scared to eat, because that's a bad habit of mine. One in which I'm trying to break. So far, it's going really well. I'm not keeping too much track of my calories, or, I am, but not over obsessing about them. I get to weigh myself here soon... in about a half an hour before I go to Colorguard. (I will post about that later, probably just my thoughts) I am so not looking forward to that. I don't really feel up to it. And being on my period - well the cramps are hell and that just makes it worse. I am hoping I have lost some weight recently, it's the only thing I can do that will help me hold on. I know that this is bad, not healthy, negative, but it's all I've got right now.

On to some positive news. I've read a blog recently, and this girl, well she sets goals for herself every week, and writes about them. Most of my goals I keep in my head, which might be why I have a  hard time keeping them. So I think that starting next week, I am going to make goals for myself, weekly goals, and I'm going to do the best that I can to keep them. Hopefully, next week will be less stressful.

I don't even know what's making today stressful. I don't mind sitting alone at lunch, or doing my own thing. I don't mind that I've lost two friends recently (though I probably should). I don't even have that much to do. I have a History paper that I have to write tonight, and then tomorrow I get to have an extended off hour. Wednesdays are my favorite days. I go driving after school tomorrow, and then Thursday I have the therapist appointment (kinda anxious for that) and guard that night as well. Then Friday, nothing, and Saturday, nothing. So like I said, there's not that much to do, but for some reason, I feel overly stressed?

So tonight, I'm going to be really productive, when I get home and then tomorrow, I'm going to relax. I get out really early tomorrow, because I have an A in Math, so she's making everyone retake a test they failed. I passed, so I get to go to the library. Or somewhere. I will probably go to the library to catch up on blog posts, and comment, since for some reason I can't comment on my computer.

I'm done with the arguments, and the drama. Of pushing people away, telling them that we can't be friends, but not being able to explain why. Because I can't tell them about all of the crap in my head, I can't tell them about my Eating Disorder. I'm afraid to talk to anyone. I feel like if I say anything about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, I'll be letting everyone down. The people around me, my friends, the people who read this blog. For some reason, ever since I posted about the ABC diet, If eel like I have a responsibility to do what's right. I'm failing that miserably, as my ED is taking control, and I'm letting it. That's the bad part. I'm not even fighting it anymore. I've come to feel some sense of pride for the ED. Totally fucked up, I know.

I wish I had blogger on my phone. I need to write a lot more often then I have access to a computer. And that is taking it's toll on me. Here is the only place that I feel safe. That I feel I can say anything and everything. It's the only place that I feel okay. But even now, I am starting to feel like I'm letting people here down. The other day, one of my friends (or used to be friends seeing as I pushed him away before I could hurt him) said he wanted to buy me a present. And another friend of mine, who knows him really well as they are great friends, said that he was asking her if I had an Eating Disorder. She said she denied it, as it isn't her place to say anything, but really?
I didn't think anyone was noticing. And maybe it was all just bullshit. I have no way of knowing. But anyways, that's given me more of a reason to push him away. He can't get in the way of this. I won't let him. I'm better off on my own anyways. So now that's constantly been on my mind, and for some reason, I felt a huge sense of pride, that he had noticed, and suspected that I had Anorexia. I don't know, maybe this is just a sign of how fucked up I am, have become, or maybe have always been.

I feel more at peace now that he's gone, and now that other people are leaving as well. I can't explain it. I know that I shouldn't and that being alone right now is probably not a good thing, but I feel like that.

Today in Math, two of my friends were talking. And one of them (being a he) asked the other (a she) why she had such gigantic boobs. I wasn't really paying attention to them, but as the conversation progressed and I heard some of what was being said, I started laughing. I laughed till I couldn't feel my stomach anymore, and I laughed until I had tears pouring down my face. It felt good. I can't explain what was so funny, but it just was. It felt nice to laugh, to know that I didn't have to push everyone away.

That's basically my day. I know this probably doesn't make sense, but I had to get all of my thoughts out. And here they are. Today has been interesting.
I still intend to write a story, I need the release. I just need the time. I will probably do it Wednesday night or Friday. So if anyone is interested, they can look forward to that. Hope some of that made sense. And I hope whoever is reading this has a good day.

Stories

I've been feeling the urge to write recently, but I feel like my head is so jumbled up. I can't find the right words, but at the same time, even if they come out wrong, I'm still going to write them.

So I intend to write a short story. Which you can look forward to.

Today started out good, then my mood went to crap and now I just want to go home. I have guard tonight as well - not so much looking forward to it. I don't know why, but I'm not.
I can't wait for Psychology. I love that class (in case you hadn't noticed xD)

I debated skipping checking in with the counselor at school this morning, I'm supposed to meet her in a couple minutes. I don't know if I should go, though I know I will. I don't want to.

I feel so conflicted.
If this made any sense, yay. If not, well, I expected it.

I need to get all this stuff out of my head, so that I can think clearly. So I shall be ranting and not making any sense later. Here goes. Wish me luck. I'm so nervous, though I don't know why.

Awkward start to a Monday

So today is not going anything like I planned.
Not exactly in a bad way... but not in an entirely good way either.

I had a good first period. Which was my off period. I was going to use it to work on an essay, and then when I looked for my papers, I couldn't find them, so the whole "I'm gonna be productive and work on my essay" thing totally failed.
Then I went to Psychology and we started learning about personality disorders, and I find that kind of stuff really interesting. So I wasn't lacking any thoughts or interest in that.

But as I expected, the awkwardness came. It couldn't stay at bay forever. Sitting next to her in classes, listening to her talk to people I used to be friends with. And knowing that I can't talk to them, or have another chance at fixing things... Well I just got mad. I don't even know what I really did, but knowing that I failed her in some way, that I could have done better, that I trusted one more time... and I got stabbed in the back.
It was just really awkward, me sitting there holding in everything that I wanted to say. Everything. Not saying a word, not letting her see that it was killing me to just let her go. But what else could I have expected? I guess I'm the only one that sees the future the way it pans out. Everyone else just tries to believe for the best. But I know better. There's no point in hoping, not until I can get out of this hole that I am digging for myself. The problem? I've said it many times before. Nobody listens.
I don't want out.
I can't get past the wrongdoings of my dad. Of the people around me. This kid told me "Sometimes it's best to forgive." and normally, I would forgive. But I don't feel like I can forgive this. It feels like too much, like I absolutely can't forgive this until I reach my goal.

I have never known myself to hide so much hate inside. But I can't let it out. I don't know how.
Every since I've started watching what I eat, I feel so much better. I feel stronger, I think clearer, I feel more in control.
I know that it isn't good, but I can't help it.

I am just going to keep my head up, and smile like it isn't bothering me. I don't need friends, I can just be by myself. I don't mind at all. I like it. There's a lot more peace and quiet.

I am not going to let this destroy me, or bother me. I am happy for once. I will stay that way. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll make the best of it :D
Now I'm off to go do Chem homework. Woo!

Liebster Blog Award

I have just received the Liebster Blog Award from Izzy!
[Just a little side - note.... This girl is amazing!! :D]

Thank you so much for nominating me! ^_^

Rules:
- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog (mine is linked under Izzy's name).
- Post 11 things about yourself.
- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.
- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.
- Create 11 questions for your nominees!
- Inform the nominees of their nomination. (:

So on to it I shall go!!

11 things about myself! (that you probably don't know)
- I play the violin.
- I'm very anti-social.
- I have 2 dogs (A German Shepherd Husky Mix, and a Husky Malamute Mix. They are mother and son.)
- I'm a bit of a music freak - depending on you you look at it!! :D
- I love to run - even if I have horrible stamina.
- I hate to watch T.V.
- I love to watch movies, my favorite being V For Vendetta.
- I love to write! <3
- I rarely get offended, and will let most everything slide.
- I am brutally honest, but not in a bad way! (:
- My perfect day consists of 3 things. RAIN, Night-time, and 60 degree weather (:
(I prefer this over most a lot of things :D)

Questions from Izzy!!
1. What were you doing an hour ago?
-Sleeping!! :D

2. What are your three favorite things to do/passtimes?
= Read, listen to music, or walk around :D

3. What's your favorite animal?
- My favorite animal.... Hmm.... Panther :D

4. What's your favorite thing about blogging?
- My favorite thing about blogging is just being able to write out my thoughts, express myself.

5. What do you want to be doing in 10 years?
- I want to be working as a Forensic Scientist, living in a big city, and enjoying life!! :D

6.  Take out your ipod/mobile/mp3 player, put it on shuffle, and write down the first 5 songs that pop up!
Well, here goes! (^-^)
- Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex
- Not Fragile by Christina Grimmie
- I Can Walk On Water by Basshunter
- I'm Alive by Disturbed
- In The Darkness by Dead By Sunrise

7. Favorite T.V. shows?
- Bones, House, NCIS, Law and Order (Mostly the first 3 though)

8. 3 favorite meals/foods?
- Chocolate covered Peanuts!!
- French fries
- Carrots
(I know... I'm weird.)

9. Do you prefer cozy nights in, or going out?
Cozy night in all the way!!

10. What is your best quality?
I don't know.... I guess I'd have to say my eyes.

11. Do you like blogging?
YES!!!! I think I've become sort of addicted. :D (Shhh! Don't tell!)

My nominees:
Sarah
Nichole
Alexa
Emma
Ruby-Tuesday
Just another Teen Blogger

My questions for the nominees:
1. What do you like most about blogging?
2. What's are 2 of your bad habits?
3. What kind of music do you listen to?
4. What does your perfect day look like?
5. What are your favorite foods?
6. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
7. What is your favorite color?
8. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?
9. What is something that you strongly believe in and why do you believe it?
10. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
11. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?