I've been feeling more lonely than usual, more isolated. It's been rough for me... I really haven't spoken to anyone in a few days at least. Some days I eat a bit and it feels like a binge. Some days I eat next to nothing. I can't bring myself to continue weighing daily because it is causing me way too much stress. But right now I am kind of in the midst of damage control.

I saw a higher number on the scale a few days ago and it kind of freaked me out. Since then I have just been fasting and working and trying to get back down to where I feel comfortable enough to weigh myself.

I broke my toe the other night because I was being kind of stupid.... it hurt like a bitch but I guess I am okay. Oh, and I relapsed the other day too. My boyfriend doesn't know about the relapse... and I don't want to say anything because he would just be upset.

I also kind of quit smoking, I'm scared of this because I don't want to end up eating more, and yes I did use cigarettes as meal replacement. So the possibility of my increased intake is high. I need to lose weight, not gain it.

Otherwise I am surviving. I'm growing tired of work, but that could also be from being hungry all the time. It makes me grumpy sometimes. My work sells this fresh bread and oh, it smells so good. What I wouldn't give to buy a loaf while it is still warm out of the oven and eat just a little. I have been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my daily intake for weeks now but so far I am unsatisfied. So O haven't bought any bread.

I wish I had a friend. Or at least one that wasn't so hard to get to. I feel so alone. And I don't know what to do about it. I just want these feelings to fade already. I would rather be numb. Anyways.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.