I'm finding it really hard to trust anyone right now. Even myself.
I'm at such odds with myself that it's nearly impossible to know what I am anymore.
It goes without doubt that the person I trust most in my life right now is Cimiron. After all I have talked to him about and told him, and after all he has seen of me - Both good and bad - he is still here. He still loves me. Which is huge, because I never expected him to stick around. But I'm so glad that he has. Though now, I'm complicating things. I feel such intense guilt over everything I have told him and every time I need him. I feel selfish. I feel stupid, needy, and weak. He doesn't know how to help me a lot of the time, and I can see the way it hurts him when I tell him certain things. I honestly think it would be better if I just left. I get to thinking sometimes that it would be better for him if I wasn't here, if I wasn't with him. But the pain I feel at that thought... No. I'm not even going there. I need him.
I made a deal with him a few days ago that I could stop telling him about my problems and reaching out to him if I promised to self harm less. But since then, I've had a sick feeling in my stomach. I can't really explain it. But it isn't right. I don't want to keep that deal anymore.
My mom, S, my dad, myself, I am just finding it really hard to trust people. The people I thought they were, they aren't anymore. Or maybe I wasn't looking right. I thought my roommate was on my side, because she had been letting Cimiron came oer and she hadn't been trying to be my mother. Not that I needed one of those. But then the other night I was laying with Cimiron on my bed and we had the lights off to watch my lava lamp and we had the door shut to keep the cold air from the swamp cooler out of my room. I had been cold. Anyways, about 30 minutes before that, S had called me and asked if I needed something from my grandparent's house (where she was) and I had old her that Cimiron and I were at the house> When she got home I didn't go say hey right away. After Cimiron left, she called my dad and they both flipped shit. She told my dad that I had been laying in my bed with Cimiron and the lights were off and the door was shut while she wasn't there. She also told him that I didn't do my chores yet, and my dad took it and blew it out of proportion. S put him on speakerphone and he told me that I wasn't allowed to have Cimiron over anymore, and that if I did he would fly me up to Minnesota in a heartbeat. He made sure to tell me that he would be up there until September too. Then he got on me for not doing my chores because that was disrespectful to S. I didn't say anything back and he asked me if I thought he was kidding. I made a smart ass remark and S started bitching at me saying I had no right to disrespect him because he was my dad. I just left.
It's not that I ever really thought that she was on my side - oftentimes people never are. I just thought that her and I had a mutual understanding that she would leave me alone if I left her alone. At least for the 6 months until I can move out. I'm a bit bitter over the fact that she is dating my dad too, if I am honest. I want him to be happy (or maybe I don't...) but I don't want him to date her while I am here. Not that I really have any say in that either. I just feel like I can't trust her after that. I've got so many secrets to hide.. I have to be careful. It's stupid.
I called my mom this morning, just to talk. One of the very first things she asked me was if I had taken a joint out of her room. Yes, I smoke weed, but damn. I didn't think she thought I was that kind of person, by any means. I told her that I hadn't even known it was there and that I wouldn't ever take anything from her. So she said she would look again. Then I called her later to see if she wanted to hang out and she said that she was going to call me back after she figured out what she was doing. So when I called back a few hours later, I figured we weren't going to be hanging out today. Which was fine by me. But I really needed a change of scenery and I asked her if it would be alright if I spent the night at her house. I told her I wasn't going to be bothering her, I would just pretty much be invisible. She was all like "Sure! If you don't steal any of my weed." Well, okay. I didn't think you thought I was that kind of person, because really, I'm not. I was as a younger child, but only briefly. My mom never knew me then either, and I am not that kind of person. I kind of felt the sting from that comment, and it made me second guess my decision to go up there tonight. If that is how she thinks of me, maybe I shouldn't go up there. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't around her and I wasn't up there. I don't really know what it is that compels me to go up there. Is it the need to know a person who was never in my life as a child? Is it because I know she can't tell me what to do and I like that. I don't know. I want to say that it has nothing to do with getting weed from her, but that would be lying. Yes, I do like that I can get weed from her. But I also help her trim. I work for her, and instead of paying me, she gives me weed. That's pretty much how it works. I'm most likely reading too far into this, but this is what my mind does. This is how I think.
I'm at odds with myself because I feel like there is too much of me. Too much emotion, too many thoughts, too much need, too much hate. Too much of me physically, not enough to make up for it. I swear, there is not enough space in a human to hate so much. But I guess there is. I don't hate anyone else, except for myself. I might hate my dad, but I don't think I really hate him. I've been thinking about that a lot too, and I've started to think that I cover up my hurt with my hate. Like I don't know how to feel emotional pain, so I hate him instead. As for why I would have emotional pain because of my dad - I think it's because I feel like he has never really loved me. I feel like he never really wanted to be my dad. I see him with other kids, like S's kids, and he's always fun and joking and laughing. But never with me. I used to try to do everything I could to please him, to make him happy, to make things easy for him. But deep in my heart... I feel like it was never enough. Like there was nothing I could do to make him love me. I also think... I think that part of my self hate comes from that. Because I could never be enough. He's made me feel selfish on more than one occasion, and he's made me feel unwanted more times than I can count. I don't know if any of this makes sense. All I can do is try to explain what's going on inside of me.
I've been reading a book called "Why Forgive?" though I forget who it is by. It's a bunch of short stories from people who have been so wronged and they still forgive. People whose kids have been killed, learning to embrace the wrong and forgive, though not forget. It's about learning to expel the hatred in your heart and learn to forgive. If you hate, you cannot truly be happy. I guess that's why I started reading it. I thought that if I read a little bit about how other people could learn to forgive where they had been wronged, I could maybe start on that journey. It's not an easy thing to do, I know that. But it's possible, and I want something. I don't know what I want, but I want something. I need a change in my life.
Trust has never been an easy thing for me. But I'm not the only one, that's for sure. I don't even know where this post is going anymore... Just... yeah. I'm sorry.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
It's Only A Fantasy
I want someone to talk to, like about everything, someone to understand. But I'm scared to form that type of connection with someone because they never last. I'm bad at forming lasting relationships with people. Regardless of the type of relationship. Friendship, aquaintance, loving relationship, etc. They only last so long - 2 months at most. It's frustrating to want something, especially when I know I can't have it.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Defy You Stars/Carson Allen/ Rumors Follow
Defy You Stars was pretty good, even if I didn't want to be there. Nikk is pretty epic, and Patrick is definitely cute! I don't know Maxx, but he seemed pretty cool.
We got a bunch of free merch, from Carson Allen, Ashes, and Places, all the bands that were performing with DYS.
As for eating, today I had some coco puffs for breakfast (I broke and ate them and it sucked!) and 2 bites of an elk hotdog with a few french fries after the concert (like right before midnight). So I guess the Elk counts for today. With that being said, I'm going to eat a little soup when I get home, but then fast for the rest of the day. Hopefully I won't crash - I have calories to burn. Then tomorrow I go to hang out with Cimiron.
Did you know I got him sick? I totally told him I was sick and he should stay away. But he said that he wasn't gonna get sick. We hung out for like 2 hours total, but now he's sick. So I feel so bad for him. But he's broke his fever at least, so he should start getting better soon. I've got to at least drop off some throat spray for him, just to help. But in the meantime, I really hope he gets better.
Today was sick! I enjoyed myself. Hopefully, tomorrow is better though! :D
We got a bunch of free merch, from Carson Allen, Ashes, and Places, all the bands that were performing with DYS.
As for eating, today I had some coco puffs for breakfast (I broke and ate them and it sucked!) and 2 bites of an elk hotdog with a few french fries after the concert (like right before midnight). So I guess the Elk counts for today. With that being said, I'm going to eat a little soup when I get home, but then fast for the rest of the day. Hopefully I won't crash - I have calories to burn. Then tomorrow I go to hang out with Cimiron.
Did you know I got him sick? I totally told him I was sick and he should stay away. But he said that he wasn't gonna get sick. We hung out for like 2 hours total, but now he's sick. So I feel so bad for him. But he's broke his fever at least, so he should start getting better soon. I've got to at least drop off some throat spray for him, just to help. But in the meantime, I really hope he gets better.
Today was sick! I enjoyed myself. Hopefully, tomorrow is better though! :D
Friday, July 26, 2013
Irrational
I'm being really over-sensitive.
I was watching the guitarist in Carson Allen (A band perforong with DYS) and he gave me a pick. I was so stoked, but just then my friend hit me and I dropped it. I can't really explain my reaction to that.
I was just fucking crushed. Pissed off. Especially since she also got a pick from the same guitarist.
I don't know. I just don't really want to be here for whatever reason. I'm trying to be normal. I'm trying to enjoy myself, and I am. A bit. But I'm just feeling crushed and pissed off for no specific reason. I don't understand it.
I was watching the guitarist in Carson Allen (A band perforong with DYS) and he gave me a pick. I was so stoked, but just then my friend hit me and I dropped it. I can't really explain my reaction to that.
I was just fucking crushed. Pissed off. Especially since she also got a pick from the same guitarist.
I don't know. I just don't really want to be here for whatever reason. I'm trying to be normal. I'm trying to enjoy myself, and I am. A bit. But I'm just feeling crushed and pissed off for no specific reason. I don't understand it.
Too Much But Still Not Enough
I want to be so many things at once. I see fashion things and sometimes I think they're cute and I wish my style was like that, sometimes I see punk/rocker people and I wish I had a style like that, and sometimes I wish I looked like all these different styles. But I can't. I hate my style, but I don't even have one of those. I feel so out of place, so much of everything that I'm nothing, and just left here. I hate this.
I am lost. I'm nowhere but I'm here too. I want my life to be something I love. I want to go to parties and I want to be crazy. I want to meet people but I want to be alone too. I am nowhere, nothing.
I am lost. I'm nowhere but I'm here too. I want my life to be something I love. I want to go to parties and I want to be crazy. I want to meet people but I want to be alone too. I am nowhere, nothing.
Defy You Stars
I'm going to see a Defy You Stars concert tonight. They generally have good music, and I've seen them twice before. I love their concerts, but for some reason, this time I just don't want to go.
I am, of course. I have to. But I don't exactly want to.
My friend A is picking me up in about an hour. Hopefully by then I'll feel in the mood to go. I'm sure I'll enjoy it while I'm there and I will definitely write a post about it when I get back.
Anyone else like going to concerts? :D
I am, of course. I have to. But I don't exactly want to.
My friend A is picking me up in about an hour. Hopefully by then I'll feel in the mood to go. I'm sure I'll enjoy it while I'm there and I will definitely write a post about it when I get back.
Anyone else like going to concerts? :D
My fault
I honestly think it's my own fault that I'm in a bad mood all the time.
I'm a pessimist.
I don't even know how to explain it, but I just know it's my fault. I let things get to me. I think things about myself that I would never have thought possible.
I know what buttons to push until I'm either super suicidal or emotionally fucked up enough to want to cut. I don't allow myself to be happy. I guess.
But nothing comes from this because I don't know how to change it.
It's my fault, and mine to deal with too.
I wish I could just hide from the world.
Soon.
Soon I will.
I'm a pessimist.
I don't even know how to explain it, but I just know it's my fault. I let things get to me. I think things about myself that I would never have thought possible.
I know what buttons to push until I'm either super suicidal or emotionally fucked up enough to want to cut. I don't allow myself to be happy. I guess.
But nothing comes from this because I don't know how to change it.
It's my fault, and mine to deal with too.
I wish I could just hide from the world.
Soon.
Soon I will.
Monday, July 22, 2013
I Will Not Eat
I'm actually hungry. I'm hungry for the first time in 3 days, but I don't want to eat. I got roped into making pizza rolls and French fries for my grandparents and a visitor.
I don't intend on eating any. But they smell really good and I'm such a sucker for French fries, so I'm scared that I will.
I was really stoked this morning when I weighed myself and was down 7 lbs from 3 days ago. But I'm scared to let myself enjoy that because I am fearing that it won't last. I'm scared that I'll get happy about it and then I will gain weight back and be disappointed and start all over again.
I really don't want to eat. But I'm psyching myself out and I'm scared that I will.
I am hoping that as motivation to not eat, I can go look up thinspo and keep myself pure.
Empty is good.
Empty is strong.
I just need to stay away from the kitchen... And bullshit a lot so that nobody makes me eat. Sore throat still? I think yes.
I really hope I can do this.
I don't intend on eating any. But they smell really good and I'm such a sucker for French fries, so I'm scared that I will.
I was really stoked this morning when I weighed myself and was down 7 lbs from 3 days ago. But I'm scared to let myself enjoy that because I am fearing that it won't last. I'm scared that I'll get happy about it and then I will gain weight back and be disappointed and start all over again.
I really don't want to eat. But I'm psyching myself out and I'm scared that I will.
I am hoping that as motivation to not eat, I can go look up thinspo and keep myself pure.
Empty is good.
Empty is strong.
I just need to stay away from the kitchen... And bullshit a lot so that nobody makes me eat. Sore throat still? I think yes.
I really hope I can do this.
Not Sick!! :D
So the doctor said that I'm not sick. He said that he thought that my inflamed tonsils were caused by my allergies. So basically I just need to use Nasonex or whatnot for my allergies and it should clear up my tonsils.
Nevertheless, my dad is still probably gonna stick me in the hospital to get my tonsils removed. Great.
I'm glad I'm not sick, but I'm still scared and worried about going to the hospital. I just need a little time for the cuts to heal and then I'd be so happy to go and get my tonsils out.
So there's my update. (:
Now, off to enjoy my day and the beautiful sunshine. And eat a ton of slurpees.
I'm so happy to know that I'm not sick!
Nevertheless, my dad is still probably gonna stick me in the hospital to get my tonsils removed. Great.
I'm glad I'm not sick, but I'm still scared and worried about going to the hospital. I just need a little time for the cuts to heal and then I'd be so happy to go and get my tonsils out.
So there's my update. (:
Now, off to enjoy my day and the beautiful sunshine. And eat a ton of slurpees.
I'm so happy to know that I'm not sick!
Doctors and Weight Loss
I'm feeling much better today. Less sick. But I'm also going to the doctor today, so hopefully he'll prescribe me some anti-biotics.
Since being sick (i.e the last 3 days) I've lost 7 lbs. Some of that is water weight, but still. I'm stoked. They're gonna weigh me at the doctors and I'm so happy to know that at least I'll be down a little bit. Better than gaining weight.
I'm pretty happy to be getting anti-biotics so that I won't be sick anymore, but I'm not actually in the doctors yet so I don't know 100% what he will say or what I might be sick with.
I'm hoping for the best!
But 7lbs down!! :D Hopefully I can keep losing more weight.
Since being sick (i.e the last 3 days) I've lost 7 lbs. Some of that is water weight, but still. I'm stoked. They're gonna weigh me at the doctors and I'm so happy to know that at least I'll be down a little bit. Better than gaining weight.
I'm pretty happy to be getting anti-biotics so that I won't be sick anymore, but I'm not actually in the doctors yet so I don't know 100% what he will say or what I might be sick with.
I'm hoping for the best!
But 7lbs down!! :D Hopefully I can keep losing more weight.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The Hospital
My dad is putting me in the hospital to pump me with anti-biotics for my strep AND to remove my tonsils in the same day. I'm fucked...
I'm so scared that they're gonna see my legs and that they're gonna freak and tell my dad and he will freak and stick me in a psych ward.
I'm so scared... I don't want this. I wish I could just run away.. I don't want to go tomorrow!!!
I just need time. Just a little bit of time to let my cuts heal and then they can take me to the hospital and do whatever they wish. I can't go tomorrow...
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!
I'm so scared that they're gonna see my legs and that they're gonna freak and tell my dad and he will freak and stick me in a psych ward.
I'm so scared... I don't want this. I wish I could just run away.. I don't want to go tomorrow!!!
I just need time. Just a little bit of time to let my cuts heal and then they can take me to the hospital and do whatever they wish. I can't go tomorrow...
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I'm so scared right now...
I've been sick with a cough for about a week or so now. But just last night/today it progressed to strep. I've still got my tonsils and therefore whenever I get strep they swell up and become an issue.
My dad and S are now talking about just taking me to the hospital to get my tonsils removed. But fuck! I'm freaking out because when you have surgery, they make you wear the gowns. If they make me wear one, they will see the cuts on my legs and then I'm really gonna be fucked.
I'm scared. I'm so so so scared. I don't want them to see my cuts. I don't know what to do. Fuckfuckfuck!!!!
My dad and S are now talking about just taking me to the hospital to get my tonsils removed. But fuck! I'm freaking out because when you have surgery, they make you wear the gowns. If they make me wear one, they will see the cuts on my legs and then I'm really gonna be fucked.
I'm scared. I'm so so so scared. I don't want them to see my cuts. I don't know what to do. Fuckfuckfuck!!!!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Soaring Above Cloud Nine
I've had the most amazing night of my life.
I've discovered a new side of me, a side I like. Just a little.
I've discovered something I'm good at.
I've gotten closer to Cimiron, and I love how happy I can be when I'm just in his presence.
I got a new roommate - S's daughter. My dad also came home today. Both things that I'm not *all* too excited about, but right now nothing can bring me down.
I'm just happy. More than happy. This feeling is rare, and I really wish I could keep it around. But I don't think I can stay on cloud nine forever.
I think my cough might be turning/have turned into strep - which fucking sucks if it has. If so - ER here I come!
I have a wicked headache - though I'm hoping that after crashing, and sleeping well, I won't have such a wicked headache.
All the skin off of my burn got ripped off tonight, too. It hurts like a bitch. Really. But I'm hoping that too will scab over soon and heal soon thereafter.
Nothing can touch me right now. I'm invincible. Things haven't changed, not really. Right now... I'm perfectly okay though. We'll see how I feel tomorrow too.
I hope I don't get in too much trouble. Sorry if this post doesn't make sense. I'm tired, on cloud nine, and in pain all at once. Wonderful combination, right? But fuck it. I'm good right now. Reeeeeeaaaally good. ^-^ :D
I've discovered a new side of me, a side I like. Just a little.
I've discovered something I'm good at.
I've gotten closer to Cimiron, and I love how happy I can be when I'm just in his presence.
I got a new roommate - S's daughter. My dad also came home today. Both things that I'm not *all* too excited about, but right now nothing can bring me down.
I'm just happy. More than happy. This feeling is rare, and I really wish I could keep it around. But I don't think I can stay on cloud nine forever.
I think my cough might be turning/have turned into strep - which fucking sucks if it has. If so - ER here I come!
I have a wicked headache - though I'm hoping that after crashing, and sleeping well, I won't have such a wicked headache.
All the skin off of my burn got ripped off tonight, too. It hurts like a bitch. Really. But I'm hoping that too will scab over soon and heal soon thereafter.
Nothing can touch me right now. I'm invincible. Things haven't changed, not really. Right now... I'm perfectly okay though. We'll see how I feel tomorrow too.
I hope I don't get in too much trouble. Sorry if this post doesn't make sense. I'm tired, on cloud nine, and in pain all at once. Wonderful combination, right? But fuck it. I'm good right now. Reeeeeeaaaally good. ^-^ :D
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Stuck In The Middle
I'm stuck in the middle. Basically nothing and nobody.
I mean, I'm not 100% Eating Disordered, but i'm not 100% ED free either.
I don't cut enough for it to be a problem, but I am not self harm free either.
I'm not suicidal enough, but I'm not okay either.
There is nothing wrong with me, but I'm not right either.
I'm just stuck in the middle, and I fucking hate it. Every day I fight to find a reason to not end it. Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.
I hate this. I hate my life.
I hate myself. All I do is complain.
I'm a pessimist I guess that's all I'll ever be. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know a life with anything else. This in-between is all I know. I just want it to end already.
Please.
I mean, I'm not 100% Eating Disordered, but i'm not 100% ED free either.
I don't cut enough for it to be a problem, but I am not self harm free either.
I'm not suicidal enough, but I'm not okay either.
There is nothing wrong with me, but I'm not right either.
I'm just stuck in the middle, and I fucking hate it. Every day I fight to find a reason to not end it. Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.
I hate this. I hate my life.
I hate myself. All I do is complain.
I'm a pessimist I guess that's all I'll ever be. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know a life with anything else. This in-between is all I know. I just want it to end already.
Please.
Ruh Roh Shaggy!
I've been hanging out with Cimiron as much as I can, because he leaves on August 11 and I may not get to see him from August 1 - August 9th. So I've been spending every day I possibly could with him.
Yesterday I hung out with him in the morning. I made it over there at about noon. I didn't have my key, so I left my front door unlocked. My roommate, S, came back in that time and left again, locking the door. I came back at 5 pm to do my chores before she got home, but since she had locked the door, I had to climb over the 6 foot fence. That is no easy feat. In the carport, my dad has a lot of wood and metal and such that you have to climb over. Climbing over all of that at 5 pm is easy. I can see what I'm doing.
Anyways, so I left again after doing my chores. I left again to go back to Cimiron's, but I locked the door since I figured S would be home before I got back. It turns out I was wrong.
I got back from Cimiron's at 9:45 pm and S still wasn't home. So I sat at my door for about 15 minutes until I realized that she wasn't going to be home until about 1 am. I realized that she was working. I saw a whole bunch of spiders on the ground where I was sitting so I didn't want to stay there. I called my brother and went to hang out with him. He was only like a few streets away. My phone was dying, and I was over there until about 1 am. I got back at like 1, and I discovered that S was already back and she had locked the door. So I climbed through the front window to get in my house. That's pretty much all that happened.
Last night when S got home, she was on the phone with my dad. She told him that I wasn't home, and that I hadn't been. So he called me this morning to bitch at me. S woke me up bright and early too to bitch. She wanted to know where I was (understandable) and then she proceeded to point out all the things I didn't do yesterday as well. Chores, needing to do things, how I'm manipulative, how I never do anything around my house, etc. She said some things that really pissed me off, and I swear to god I could have punched her. So I told her that I was going to go for a walk, and she said that she was going to follow me. We argued for about 10 minutes about how she wanted me to clean the windows but I wanted to take a walk to calm down. She said she didn't believe that I was going to walk on my own, and that I was meeting someone. Which is why she wanted to follow me. But if I agreed to wash the windows, she was going to watch me. I told her that I needed her to leave so I could calm down. I was livid.
She didn't agree. So I started cleaning the windows, and as soon as she left, I went to my room and I cut. A lot. Many of them were deep too. But I couldn't help it. She came and knocked on my door, right as I was pulling my pants up. She knocked once and opened my door, not even giving me the chance to answer. Which pissed me off more. I was so sure she saw my cuts. Fuck.
So I finished the windows and I left and I was gone pretty much all day.
I hate my roommates. I don't want them here. I want to move out and I want to be left alone. Seriously.
** Another random note - I went for a motorcycle ride today, but when I was getting on the bike I tripped and I gave myself a muffler burn on my leg. It's huge, and though it doesn't hurt, it's pretty ugly. Apparently it will hurt tomorrow, but I'm excited for the wicked scar I will have when it heals too. :D
*** Also, I am thinking of making my blog private, just because I'm a bit scared that someone will find it. Not many people have a boyfriend named Cimiron, so if someone who knew me found this blog, they'd definitely know that it was mine. But at the same time, I've written close to 500 posts, and I really don't want to go back through all 500 posts and find his name and change it. Any ideas what I can do? I have been trying to be really careful, but I guess I'm just a bit paranoid. Nobody suspects, because I'm hardly ever on my blog when they're around, but still. Any advice?
Yesterday I hung out with him in the morning. I made it over there at about noon. I didn't have my key, so I left my front door unlocked. My roommate, S, came back in that time and left again, locking the door. I came back at 5 pm to do my chores before she got home, but since she had locked the door, I had to climb over the 6 foot fence. That is no easy feat. In the carport, my dad has a lot of wood and metal and such that you have to climb over. Climbing over all of that at 5 pm is easy. I can see what I'm doing.
Anyways, so I left again after doing my chores. I left again to go back to Cimiron's, but I locked the door since I figured S would be home before I got back. It turns out I was wrong.
I got back from Cimiron's at 9:45 pm and S still wasn't home. So I sat at my door for about 15 minutes until I realized that she wasn't going to be home until about 1 am. I realized that she was working. I saw a whole bunch of spiders on the ground where I was sitting so I didn't want to stay there. I called my brother and went to hang out with him. He was only like a few streets away. My phone was dying, and I was over there until about 1 am. I got back at like 1, and I discovered that S was already back and she had locked the door. So I climbed through the front window to get in my house. That's pretty much all that happened.
Last night when S got home, she was on the phone with my dad. She told him that I wasn't home, and that I hadn't been. So he called me this morning to bitch at me. S woke me up bright and early too to bitch. She wanted to know where I was (understandable) and then she proceeded to point out all the things I didn't do yesterday as well. Chores, needing to do things, how I'm manipulative, how I never do anything around my house, etc. She said some things that really pissed me off, and I swear to god I could have punched her. So I told her that I was going to go for a walk, and she said that she was going to follow me. We argued for about 10 minutes about how she wanted me to clean the windows but I wanted to take a walk to calm down. She said she didn't believe that I was going to walk on my own, and that I was meeting someone. Which is why she wanted to follow me. But if I agreed to wash the windows, she was going to watch me. I told her that I needed her to leave so I could calm down. I was livid.
She didn't agree. So I started cleaning the windows, and as soon as she left, I went to my room and I cut. A lot. Many of them were deep too. But I couldn't help it. She came and knocked on my door, right as I was pulling my pants up. She knocked once and opened my door, not even giving me the chance to answer. Which pissed me off more. I was so sure she saw my cuts. Fuck.
So I finished the windows and I left and I was gone pretty much all day.
I hate my roommates. I don't want them here. I want to move out and I want to be left alone. Seriously.
** Another random note - I went for a motorcycle ride today, but when I was getting on the bike I tripped and I gave myself a muffler burn on my leg. It's huge, and though it doesn't hurt, it's pretty ugly. Apparently it will hurt tomorrow, but I'm excited for the wicked scar I will have when it heals too. :D
*** Also, I am thinking of making my blog private, just because I'm a bit scared that someone will find it. Not many people have a boyfriend named Cimiron, so if someone who knew me found this blog, they'd definitely know that it was mine. But at the same time, I've written close to 500 posts, and I really don't want to go back through all 500 posts and find his name and change it. Any ideas what I can do? I have been trying to be really careful, but I guess I'm just a bit paranoid. Nobody suspects, because I'm hardly ever on my blog when they're around, but still. Any advice?
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Enjoying my summer!
Having random dance moments with your boyfriend is fun.
Well, at least it is to me. Cimiron and I were laying on his bed and we were just listening to music. So I decided to pick the most upbeat songs I could (Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson, Don't Stop Believing by Journey and Fireworks by Katy Perry) and dance/mouth the words to them. It was pretty fun, even if Cimiron didn't join in with me.
The other day I was wearing a hoodie and it was huge on me. So I asked Cimiron if he thought we could both fit in it. Turns out, we could. I took a bunch of photos of us, and I'm pretty happy. I'll have to post the photos later.
I'm enjoying my summer with Cimiron. We're just having fun, trying to be crazy. It's crazy. In 7 months, I turn 18. In 9 months, I'm moving out. Hopefully moving to New York to go to college and be with Cimiron.
That's crazy to me, but exciting too. Nobody here believes that I will do it, because they all think that it's a pipe dream. But I'm determined to do it, and I will.
For now, I've just got to focus on enjoying my summer and getting through the next 9 months. Woo!
Well, at least it is to me. Cimiron and I were laying on his bed and we were just listening to music. So I decided to pick the most upbeat songs I could (Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson, Don't Stop Believing by Journey and Fireworks by Katy Perry) and dance/mouth the words to them. It was pretty fun, even if Cimiron didn't join in with me.
The other day I was wearing a hoodie and it was huge on me. So I asked Cimiron if he thought we could both fit in it. Turns out, we could. I took a bunch of photos of us, and I'm pretty happy. I'll have to post the photos later.
I'm enjoying my summer with Cimiron. We're just having fun, trying to be crazy. It's crazy. In 7 months, I turn 18. In 9 months, I'm moving out. Hopefully moving to New York to go to college and be with Cimiron.
That's crazy to me, but exciting too. Nobody here believes that I will do it, because they all think that it's a pipe dream. But I'm determined to do it, and I will.
For now, I've just got to focus on enjoying my summer and getting through the next 9 months. Woo!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Tattoos!
I've decided that I want two tattoos. One across my wrists, and one on the back of my neck.
The one across my wrists will say "Stay Strong" like this:
 |
But I want to do something to make it original. This tattoo is originally from Demi Lovato, but I thought it was a great idea and want to get it myself. Although I'm hoping to make mine original. I want to get that one because I want that to be my reminder that everything is possible, and that strength can be found in the least likely place. That one would be to symbolize, for me, my ED, and my self harm. But also overcoming the obstacles that I've found impossible, until I was on the other side. If that makes any sense.
The second tattoo, which I want to get on the back of my neck, I am still trying to figure out. I want it to say something along the lines of "Just keep swimmin' " or "Just breathe" but part of me feels like it's missing something. That one is still under construction.
Let me know what you think?
Yay?
Nay?
Any advice?
Anything at all helps. (:
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Umm.
Thinking feels too hard right now. Feeling is too hard. It's 4am and I haven't slept. This is usually about when I crash.
But I don't even want to sleep. I spent much of the day with Cimiron. It was great. Confusing. Terrifying. Crazy. New. Scary. It was everything.
I just don't even know right now. I wish I had a friend. Like here. Someone I could just meet face to face and talk. Not someone to feel sorry for me. Just someone to talk to me and help me think.
But I don't even want to sleep. I spent much of the day with Cimiron. It was great. Confusing. Terrifying. Crazy. New. Scary. It was everything.
I just don't even know right now. I wish I had a friend. Like here. Someone I could just meet face to face and talk. Not someone to feel sorry for me. Just someone to talk to me and help me think.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Weight Loss Challenge.
I've started a plan to lose 14 lbs in 26 days. Which I started yesterday. I'm really hoping I can do it. I haven't really lost any weight in a while and I need to. Very badly.
I'm basically trying to restrict, but fuck.
Yesterday I caved and ate macaroni. Today I caved and ate Panda Express. I never eat Panda Express. I feel so shitty.
I want to cut, and I want to die. I have so much anxiety, and I'm such a failure. I just need to get out on my own so that I can say fuck you and then nobody can give me any food that I might cave on. At least if I was on my own, then nobody could tell me that I had to eat.
I'm hoping to work off all the calories. But fuck. I looked up the nutritional information...
For Orange Chicken, which is what they brought home, it has 420 calories, 21 g of fat, 4 grams of Saturated Fat, 95mg of cholesterol, 620mg of sodium, 43g of carbs, and 15g of protein. Multiply that times two, and you basically get what I had for dinner. Oh, and another 470 for rice that they forced me to eat....
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!
I have so much anxiety and I'm fucking pissed off that I can't purge. So I guess I'll have to exercise it off. 1500 calories? FUCK ME.
So there you have it. Day 1 of my weight loss challenge was a success. Day 2 was an epic fucking failure.
I wish I was dead.
I'm basically trying to restrict, but fuck.
Yesterday I caved and ate macaroni. Today I caved and ate Panda Express. I never eat Panda Express. I feel so shitty.
I want to cut, and I want to die. I have so much anxiety, and I'm such a failure. I just need to get out on my own so that I can say fuck you and then nobody can give me any food that I might cave on. At least if I was on my own, then nobody could tell me that I had to eat.
I'm hoping to work off all the calories. But fuck. I looked up the nutritional information...
For Orange Chicken, which is what they brought home, it has 420 calories, 21 g of fat, 4 grams of Saturated Fat, 95mg of cholesterol, 620mg of sodium, 43g of carbs, and 15g of protein. Multiply that times two, and you basically get what I had for dinner. Oh, and another 470 for rice that they forced me to eat....
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!
I have so much anxiety and I'm fucking pissed off that I can't purge. So I guess I'll have to exercise it off. 1500 calories? FUCK ME.
So there you have it. Day 1 of my weight loss challenge was a success. Day 2 was an epic fucking failure.
I wish I was dead.
I'm addicted!
to Otter Pops. I know, they probablly sound silly. They're basically juice, just in frozen form.
I haven't eaten them in a long time, juse because we never bought them. But since I've gotten sick recently, we got them. I'm addicted. They're just sooo good!
I've been eating like 4 or 5 a day, since we got them. They come in all colors. They help a lot with my throat and my cough, but I don't mind!
I'm like a little kid. They're so good!
Anyways, sorry this was kind of random... xD
I haven't eaten them in a long time, juse because we never bought them. But since I've gotten sick recently, we got them. I'm addicted. They're just sooo good!
I've been eating like 4 or 5 a day, since we got them. They come in all colors. They help a lot with my throat and my cough, but I don't mind!
I'm like a little kid. They're so good!
Anyways, sorry this was kind of random... xD
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Too Much For Life
I have too many emotions for life.
I feel emotions too intensely, and they can leave me feeling raw. Defeated. Tired.
I feel like I have no control over the emotions I feel, or how intensely I feel them. They just happen. I'm a bit like a conduit.
No emotion is just as bad as too much emotion, but how do you find that balance? How do you manage such strong emotions?
Earlier today after I got home, I was laying on my bed. I didn't want to move, but I got so pissed off at myself. I was pissed off at the way my clothes fit me, every inch of fat on my body. I was pissed off that I had eaten, I was pissed off at my weight, I was just pissed off at everything. It was such a strong emotion, much stronger that my normal emotions used to be. So, at a loss of what to do, I punched a wall. Several times. Needless to say, I bruised my knuckles. Walls are harder than I thought. Then I walked around my house banging my arm on things, as hard as I could, trying to break it. When I couldn't break my arm, I got even more pissed off and desperate. I started kicking things. I wanted to destroy everything in my room. Break as many things as I possibly could, but I knew that I couldn't do that. So I reached for my blade.
It's hard to understand why I reached for it. Why my brain defaults to pain when I'm feeling intense emotion rather than just feeling. Even when I feel intense good emotions, I default to pain. Biting, kicking, burning, breaking, cutting, bruising, scratching, destroying pain. Why?
What makes me do that? I mean, what makes me cope in that way when the next person doesn't in the same situation?
I've been trying to limit myself on the amount of self harm I inflict on myself. My legs are really the only safe place for me to cut. Anywhere else, and people might notice. My dad might flip. Not that I don't still do it, but it's a lot riskier than before. I've been trying to let my wounds heal, before making more.
But after earlier, when I had self harmed, my emotions quieted down. Not gone, per say. But they were a little less intense. Instead, I got really suicidal. But I feel like that's so common nowadays, or even just with me that it doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's so stupid, and I know that it's stupid, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like if I'm not critically underweight or attempting suicide, there's nothing wrong with me. So so stupid. I know. But I still believe it.
Anyways. I got to feeling like that, and I just went to bed. I fell asleep with a razor blade in my hand, and I slept for 4 hours. That seems to be the most I can sleep at a time. Last night I slept for 3, and woke up at 8. I went to bed at like 5. I hate sleeping so much, but it's the only escape I have from my thoughts. It's the only sanity and almost-peace I have left.
I get to see Cimiron tomorrow. I'm super stoked. He has been visiting his sister for a week, so I haven't gotten to see him. But tomorrow! I will. (:
My dad is getting back in about 2 weeks, and he will be here for about 3 days. Then on August 1, both S and my dad fly back out to where he's working, and I will be home alone with M for a week. This upsets me, because Cimiron leaves on August 11. S said that it would be preferred if I didn't have him over or I wasn't over there for that week, as I would need to keep an eye on M. By the way, she isn't pregnant. She ended up having a miscarriage..
So for basically the week before he leaves, I won't be able to see him. That doesn't float my boat at all. I need to see him. He's like my crack, and baby I'm addicted! xD
So I'm super stoked to see him tomorrow. Though I'm still sick, and hacking up lungs.
Otherwise, I have no obligations tomorrow, and I intend to enjoy myself! (:
At least when I'm with him I won't have to think and be stuck in my head. I can breathe when I'm with him. (One of these days I will post a picture of him and I together. I don't ever want to forget this.)
I feel emotions too intensely, and they can leave me feeling raw. Defeated. Tired.
I feel like I have no control over the emotions I feel, or how intensely I feel them. They just happen. I'm a bit like a conduit.
No emotion is just as bad as too much emotion, but how do you find that balance? How do you manage such strong emotions?
Earlier today after I got home, I was laying on my bed. I didn't want to move, but I got so pissed off at myself. I was pissed off at the way my clothes fit me, every inch of fat on my body. I was pissed off that I had eaten, I was pissed off at my weight, I was just pissed off at everything. It was such a strong emotion, much stronger that my normal emotions used to be. So, at a loss of what to do, I punched a wall. Several times. Needless to say, I bruised my knuckles. Walls are harder than I thought. Then I walked around my house banging my arm on things, as hard as I could, trying to break it. When I couldn't break my arm, I got even more pissed off and desperate. I started kicking things. I wanted to destroy everything in my room. Break as many things as I possibly could, but I knew that I couldn't do that. So I reached for my blade.
It's hard to understand why I reached for it. Why my brain defaults to pain when I'm feeling intense emotion rather than just feeling. Even when I feel intense good emotions, I default to pain. Biting, kicking, burning, breaking, cutting, bruising, scratching, destroying pain. Why?
What makes me do that? I mean, what makes me cope in that way when the next person doesn't in the same situation?
I've been trying to limit myself on the amount of self harm I inflict on myself. My legs are really the only safe place for me to cut. Anywhere else, and people might notice. My dad might flip. Not that I don't still do it, but it's a lot riskier than before. I've been trying to let my wounds heal, before making more.
But after earlier, when I had self harmed, my emotions quieted down. Not gone, per say. But they were a little less intense. Instead, I got really suicidal. But I feel like that's so common nowadays, or even just with me that it doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's so stupid, and I know that it's stupid, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like if I'm not critically underweight or attempting suicide, there's nothing wrong with me. So so stupid. I know. But I still believe it.
Anyways. I got to feeling like that, and I just went to bed. I fell asleep with a razor blade in my hand, and I slept for 4 hours. That seems to be the most I can sleep at a time. Last night I slept for 3, and woke up at 8. I went to bed at like 5. I hate sleeping so much, but it's the only escape I have from my thoughts. It's the only sanity and almost-peace I have left.
I get to see Cimiron tomorrow. I'm super stoked. He has been visiting his sister for a week, so I haven't gotten to see him. But tomorrow! I will. (:
My dad is getting back in about 2 weeks, and he will be here for about 3 days. Then on August 1, both S and my dad fly back out to where he's working, and I will be home alone with M for a week. This upsets me, because Cimiron leaves on August 11. S said that it would be preferred if I didn't have him over or I wasn't over there for that week, as I would need to keep an eye on M. By the way, she isn't pregnant. She ended up having a miscarriage..
So for basically the week before he leaves, I won't be able to see him. That doesn't float my boat at all. I need to see him. He's like my crack, and baby I'm addicted! xD
So I'm super stoked to see him tomorrow. Though I'm still sick, and hacking up lungs.
Otherwise, I have no obligations tomorrow, and I intend to enjoy myself! (:
At least when I'm with him I won't have to think and be stuck in my head. I can breathe when I'm with him. (One of these days I will post a picture of him and I together. I don't ever want to forget this.)
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A Dream
I had a dream last night/this morning that shook me up a little bit. I'm not sure why it shook me up, but it did.
I dreamt that I was scared. I was shaking, terrified, and angry. But my emotions were colors. So as an example, terror would be black. Anger would be red.
I was terrified and angry, and I had a blade. I took the blade and I cut across my wrist, but didn't stop there. I cut all the way around my arm, like a circle. I made indents in my bones there. As much as it hurt, I needed it there. It was like a bracelet. A bracelet of blood.
I cut as deep as the blade would let me, and I wore the scar as a symbol. A mark. I was proud to have it there, but terrified that someone would come and kill me for having it there.
Beyond that, I don't remember my dream. But it's stuck with me and I can't quite get it out of my head. I'm not even sure what it means, if anything. But for whatever reason, I can't get it out of my head.
I dreamt that I was scared. I was shaking, terrified, and angry. But my emotions were colors. So as an example, terror would be black. Anger would be red.
I was terrified and angry, and I had a blade. I took the blade and I cut across my wrist, but didn't stop there. I cut all the way around my arm, like a circle. I made indents in my bones there. As much as it hurt, I needed it there. It was like a bracelet. A bracelet of blood.
I cut as deep as the blade would let me, and I wore the scar as a symbol. A mark. I was proud to have it there, but terrified that someone would come and kill me for having it there.
Beyond that, I don't remember my dream. But it's stuck with me and I can't quite get it out of my head. I'm not even sure what it means, if anything. But for whatever reason, I can't get it out of my head.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Every Day Is A New Day
Nothing which I start can I ever finish.
15 day liquid fast? Fail.
Writing to my brother? Fail.
That just seems to be my standard.
I feel really apathetic recently. Like it's too much trouble to carry on a conversation with people. The other day while I was with Cimiron, I started feeling that way. I started feeling like it was too much effort to talk to him, or to even explain what I was feeling. I just wanted to sit there and stare at a wall.
When I do manage to think, it's not good. It's angry. I get so pissed off, just because of my thinking.
People don't understand me when I say that I piss myself off. They don't get it. They think it's easy to change, if I so wished. But it isn't that simple. Or I don't feel like it is anyways.
I just feel so apathetic about everything, and it sucks. It means that I get nowhere. I think I need to have a day or two where I just don't talk to anyone. I just don't see or be around anyone. But that's difficult. There are always people around, always someone wanting to talk.
Not to mention, if I did that, I'd feel like I was wasting the few days I have with Cimiron before he goes back to NY.
I don't want him to go, I really don't. But he has to, and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because I don't like emotions, and I shove mine as far away as I can? For whatever reason, I just don't like it.
But today is the start of a new day. I will be hopefully hanging with my mom, so that should give me something to do. I will have to make the best of today, do what I can. My dad flies back today as well. Great. He will be up there for a while, so I have free reign basically.
Not that I really ever use it. But I don't really like him being there.
I feel guilty for hating him, if he is changing. If he wants to change, then I feel guilty for still being angry. But it feels like I just have so much going on right now that I can't even think of not hating him. I need to get my life under control.
School starts in a little over a month. I need to be ready.. I need to be focused. It's my last year of High School. I NEED to do well. No if's, and's, or but's. But how do I get a grip on myself?
Any advice?
I guess if push comes to shove, I'll do what I did last year. Pretend that nothing is wrong, and shove my Eating Disorder and self harm/depression to the back and focus on everything and everyone else. Seemed to work well enough, till I fucked up and trusted someone.
Never again. Trusting people gets me nowhere.
Anyways, so that's my little rant.
Here's to making the best of my day! I'm going to try to enjoy it.
15 day liquid fast? Fail.
Writing to my brother? Fail.
That just seems to be my standard.
I feel really apathetic recently. Like it's too much trouble to carry on a conversation with people. The other day while I was with Cimiron, I started feeling that way. I started feeling like it was too much effort to talk to him, or to even explain what I was feeling. I just wanted to sit there and stare at a wall.
When I do manage to think, it's not good. It's angry. I get so pissed off, just because of my thinking.
People don't understand me when I say that I piss myself off. They don't get it. They think it's easy to change, if I so wished. But it isn't that simple. Or I don't feel like it is anyways.
I just feel so apathetic about everything, and it sucks. It means that I get nowhere. I think I need to have a day or two where I just don't talk to anyone. I just don't see or be around anyone. But that's difficult. There are always people around, always someone wanting to talk.
Not to mention, if I did that, I'd feel like I was wasting the few days I have with Cimiron before he goes back to NY.
I don't want him to go, I really don't. But he has to, and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because I don't like emotions, and I shove mine as far away as I can? For whatever reason, I just don't like it.
But today is the start of a new day. I will be hopefully hanging with my mom, so that should give me something to do. I will have to make the best of today, do what I can. My dad flies back today as well. Great. He will be up there for a while, so I have free reign basically.
Not that I really ever use it. But I don't really like him being there.
I feel guilty for hating him, if he is changing. If he wants to change, then I feel guilty for still being angry. But it feels like I just have so much going on right now that I can't even think of not hating him. I need to get my life under control.
School starts in a little over a month. I need to be ready.. I need to be focused. It's my last year of High School. I NEED to do well. No if's, and's, or but's. But how do I get a grip on myself?
Any advice?
I guess if push comes to shove, I'll do what I did last year. Pretend that nothing is wrong, and shove my Eating Disorder and self harm/depression to the back and focus on everything and everyone else. Seemed to work well enough, till I fucked up and trusted someone.
Never again. Trusting people gets me nowhere.
Anyways, so that's my little rant.
Here's to making the best of my day! I'm going to try to enjoy it.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
My Apologies...
I'm sorry.
I'm in a weird headspace right now.
I feel like everyone expects me to be one way, but I'm someone totally different.
You, my blog readers. I can guarentee that you don't read my blog because you want to be depressed. Or you don't want to read depressing stuff all the time.
I try, though. I try really hard to be positive. But that's just it. I don't know how.
If I lose a few blog readers over any of the posts I've written, so be it. I have no control over that. But if you leave, can you please leave a comment giving me some feedback/why you left? Just so I know. Even if it's posted anon. You don't have to, though.
I'm surprised I even have readers. In some ways though, I feel like I let everyone down. Which sucks a lot, because that wasn't what my blog was meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be about keeping up an image, or inspiring others, or even helping others. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to do just that.
But I'm a pessimist. Usually. I can be optimistic when helping others, and whatnot. But when it comes to myself - no. I just can't.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I'm not what you're expecting. Or what you're hoping for.
But this is who I am. I'm working on changing it. It's a slow process. Y'know, two steps forward, one step back.
But I'm just here to apologize for everything, even if I have nothing to apologize for.
I'm sorry.
I'm in a weird headspace right now.
I feel like everyone expects me to be one way, but I'm someone totally different.
You, my blog readers. I can guarentee that you don't read my blog because you want to be depressed. Or you don't want to read depressing stuff all the time.
I try, though. I try really hard to be positive. But that's just it. I don't know how.
If I lose a few blog readers over any of the posts I've written, so be it. I have no control over that. But if you leave, can you please leave a comment giving me some feedback/why you left? Just so I know. Even if it's posted anon. You don't have to, though.
I'm surprised I even have readers. In some ways though, I feel like I let everyone down. Which sucks a lot, because that wasn't what my blog was meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be about keeping up an image, or inspiring others, or even helping others. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to do just that.
But I'm a pessimist. Usually. I can be optimistic when helping others, and whatnot. But when it comes to myself - no. I just can't.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I'm not what you're expecting. Or what you're hoping for.
But this is who I am. I'm working on changing it. It's a slow process. Y'know, two steps forward, one step back.
But I'm just here to apologize for everything, even if I have nothing to apologize for.
I'm sorry.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Just A Little Deeper
My pain is written into every scar on my body.
Each scar or cut is a memory.
It's fucked up, but this is almost all I can ever see my life being.
I've been asked by people like my dad and counselors, "Why [do you self harm]?"
What answer do I have to that?
None, really.
Why do you breathe? That's what it feels like to me now. It's as easy and as habitual as breathing. I just do. It helps.
But it isn't normal.
So what switched in my brain that made it normal?
What made starving normal?
What makes me keep going back, endlessly searching for ways to destroy myself? Why?
Why don't I want to stop?
Why do I keep going? Ever cutting deeper.
What is wrong with me?
I don't really have an answer.
It's my lifeline. As crazy as it sounds, I don't think I'd be alive without it. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. Who knows?
Nobody can really understand it except for me.
Why do I seek out pain as a way to exist?
Why does it help?
What makes me different from someone else? A lot of things, I guess.
Why does burning my flesh, destroying it, have to be my way to cope?
Why am I addicted to self destruction?
Why am I still not sick enough?
Why can't I ever cut deep enough?
Burn bad enough?
Why am I never 'enough'?
They say self confidence starts with you. But I won't ever get out of this. I won't ever have self confidence. Not at the rate I'm going.
I have this vision in my head, of who I want to be. But here's the funny thing. I will never be her. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to tolerate myself. I'll always be hateful toward myself, ever seeking to destroy myself.
I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, of breathing, of hurting, of hating, of wishing, of hoping, of trying.
I wish I could just let go.
Each scar or cut is a memory.
It's fucked up, but this is almost all I can ever see my life being.
I've been asked by people like my dad and counselors, "Why [do you self harm]?"
What answer do I have to that?
None, really.
Why do you breathe? That's what it feels like to me now. It's as easy and as habitual as breathing. I just do. It helps.
But it isn't normal.
So what switched in my brain that made it normal?
What made starving normal?
What makes me keep going back, endlessly searching for ways to destroy myself? Why?
Why don't I want to stop?
Why do I keep going? Ever cutting deeper.
What is wrong with me?
I don't really have an answer.
It's my lifeline. As crazy as it sounds, I don't think I'd be alive without it. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. Who knows?
Nobody can really understand it except for me.
Why do I seek out pain as a way to exist?
Why does it help?
What makes me different from someone else? A lot of things, I guess.
Why does burning my flesh, destroying it, have to be my way to cope?
Why am I addicted to self destruction?
Why am I still not sick enough?
Why can't I ever cut deep enough?
Burn bad enough?
Why am I never 'enough'?
They say self confidence starts with you. But I won't ever get out of this. I won't ever have self confidence. Not at the rate I'm going.
I have this vision in my head, of who I want to be. But here's the funny thing. I will never be her. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to tolerate myself. I'll always be hateful toward myself, ever seeking to destroy myself.
I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, of breathing, of hurting, of hating, of wishing, of hoping, of trying.
I wish I could just let go.
I Don't Want A New Roommate!
Before I get started on this post, there are some things I need to clarify. S is my dad's friend as well as mine (sorta). S has 4 kids, but two of them are grown up and moved elsewhere. The two that are left are B who's 18, and M who's 15.
As of right now, B and S are living at my house with my dad and I. But in the next month, B is moving to my grandparents where he is going to rent a room until he finds somewhere else to stay. M is going to be moving in, in place of B. B and M can't be together, as some shit went down that I don't really know about.
So I am getting yet another roommate.
I found out all of this yesterday. /: I told everyone I was fine with it. But really, I'm not.
I hate that B is moving to my grandparents. I feel like that's my space and he has no right to move there. I'm so anxious that M is moving in. She's 15. We've both changed so much since I last saw her. I've matured, chilled out. I don't really do any bad things, aside from smoking weed, hanging with my mom, cutting, and having my ED. She, on the other hand, has gotten herself into a lot of trouble in the last year or so. She's a partier, likes to break rules (or at least did), and... Did I mention she's pregnant? Yep. 15 and pregnant. That's all fine and dandy. If she wants to do that, I wish her the best of luck. But what I'm getting at is that we're different.
I feel so anxious that I'm gonna have to hide from her too. I don't like new people coming into my life. I don't know her all that well, so I don't know the best ways to hide my habits and whatnot from her.
I hate it. But I'll learn. And learn quickly.
I just hate it. I feel like all I do is bullshit people. I want to move away, I want to be alone. I want to be able to do what I want, and not have to hide. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want to be able to do anything. I want to be left alone. I hate new people.
So much anxiety. They just kind of dropped that bomb on me yesterday, with zero warning. It's bullshit.
As of right now, B and S are living at my house with my dad and I. But in the next month, B is moving to my grandparents where he is going to rent a room until he finds somewhere else to stay. M is going to be moving in, in place of B. B and M can't be together, as some shit went down that I don't really know about.
So I am getting yet another roommate.
I found out all of this yesterday. /: I told everyone I was fine with it. But really, I'm not.
I hate that B is moving to my grandparents. I feel like that's my space and he has no right to move there. I'm so anxious that M is moving in. She's 15. We've both changed so much since I last saw her. I've matured, chilled out. I don't really do any bad things, aside from smoking weed, hanging with my mom, cutting, and having my ED. She, on the other hand, has gotten herself into a lot of trouble in the last year or so. She's a partier, likes to break rules (or at least did), and... Did I mention she's pregnant? Yep. 15 and pregnant. That's all fine and dandy. If she wants to do that, I wish her the best of luck. But what I'm getting at is that we're different.
I feel so anxious that I'm gonna have to hide from her too. I don't like new people coming into my life. I don't know her all that well, so I don't know the best ways to hide my habits and whatnot from her.
I hate it. But I'll learn. And learn quickly.
I just hate it. I feel like all I do is bullshit people. I want to move away, I want to be alone. I want to be able to do what I want, and not have to hide. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want to be able to do anything. I want to be left alone. I hate new people.
So much anxiety. They just kind of dropped that bomb on me yesterday, with zero warning. It's bullshit.
Elitch Gardens! :D
I went to Elitches with my dad, one of my room mates (S), and my soon-to-be roomate (S's daughter).
At first I was kind of dreading it. I mean, I've changed so much, and so has she. I did a lot of really stupid shit with her when I was younger. But I haven't seen her in such a long time. I didn't know how it would be. Surprisingly, it was a blast.
I had a lot of fun, and I got a wicked sunburn. Which is going to turn into a wicked tan tomorrow. :D
I'm glad I did it. I miss going to Elitches. Last summer I had a season pass so I could go whenever I wanted, and believe me, I did. I went almost every day, all day. But this summer I didn't get a season pass. So it was a little shocking when I went with my dad.
He really isn't the kind of person to do something like that. Not with me, anyways. But nevertheless, it was fun.
As for my soon to be roommate. Well, I'll write about that in another post. It's a bit complicated. xD
At first I was kind of dreading it. I mean, I've changed so much, and so has she. I did a lot of really stupid shit with her when I was younger. But I haven't seen her in such a long time. I didn't know how it would be. Surprisingly, it was a blast.
I had a lot of fun, and I got a wicked sunburn. Which is going to turn into a wicked tan tomorrow. :D
I'm glad I did it. I miss going to Elitches. Last summer I had a season pass so I could go whenever I wanted, and believe me, I did. I went almost every day, all day. But this summer I didn't get a season pass. So it was a little shocking when I went with my dad.
He really isn't the kind of person to do something like that. Not with me, anyways. But nevertheless, it was fun.
As for my soon to be roommate. Well, I'll write about that in another post. It's a bit complicated. xD
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Happy Fourth of July!
I live in the US, and here it is the Fourth of July. Somehow I love this holiday. It's really the only holiday I get to spend with Cimiron, but I loved every minute of it.
Fireworks... Maybe it's just me. But I love the after smell of fireworks. Like the gun powder smell. xD
We stayed local this year to watch the fireworks. But they didn't feel long at all. I feel like they went by really fast. I got to eat a giant snow cone though. Great for my last day of food for the next 2 weeks. I'm gonna try to start a 15 day liquid fast, tomorrow. I was going to start today, but then everyone decided to shove food down my throat and I failed. But alas, I will start tomorrow.
Back to today. I didn't really do a whole lot, I slept a lot, which is strange for me.
But I'm sick so I didn't sleep much last night. I made up for it today, at least.
Anyways, that's my short update on today, being the Fourth of July. I don't really have a lot to say about it. It was just tons of fun.
What's your favorite part about this holiday? (If you celebrate it)
What's your favorite holiday?
Fireworks... Maybe it's just me. But I love the after smell of fireworks. Like the gun powder smell. xD
We stayed local this year to watch the fireworks. But they didn't feel long at all. I feel like they went by really fast. I got to eat a giant snow cone though. Great for my last day of food for the next 2 weeks. I'm gonna try to start a 15 day liquid fast, tomorrow. I was going to start today, but then everyone decided to shove food down my throat and I failed. But alas, I will start tomorrow.
Back to today. I didn't really do a whole lot, I slept a lot, which is strange for me.
But I'm sick so I didn't sleep much last night. I made up for it today, at least.
Anyways, that's my short update on today, being the Fourth of July. I don't really have a lot to say about it. It was just tons of fun.
What's your favorite part about this holiday? (If you celebrate it)
What's your favorite holiday?
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Short Update
Today was a good day. Of course I spent it with Cimiron. We watched Fullmetal Alchemist, which is an anime.
They really didn't used to be my thing. They're his thing, but not mine. The only one I'd ever watched on my own was Code Geass. I think that's how you spell it anyways.
But we watched Fullmetal Alchemist, and I thought it was pretty good. (:
Then we went to the school to swing for a while. He's really bad at making decisions, but then again, so am I. We're really uncompatable in that way. xD
Then we went to his house for a while. We just hung out and joked around, pretty much. Sometimes I can get frustrated with him, but it never lasts long. We've never had an actual fight, either.
I enjoyed my day, for the most part.
The next few days might be crazy. Tomorrow my dad gets back in town. But he's only here till Sunday. Thursday I'm going to see fireworks with Cimiron. I'm stoked. xD Last year I had a blast. There's just something about him. (; Haha.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog and deleting this one. There are some people here that know about this one, and I don't really like that. It makes me feel like I have to be careful what I say on here. Which isn't what I intended when I started this blog. /: I would just tell those people that know about it to not read it, but really, I don't trust them not to. So what to do?
My mood drops really low when I'm alone. Sometimes when I'm with others it happens too. Anger.. That's what it is. Anger and sadness.
But like when I'm with Cimiron, most of the time I'm happy. I'm still trying to find that balance, though. Only time will tell, I guess. Time and patience. I suck at being patient. xD Sometimes.
Never too late to work on it, I guess.
Peace out, for now. (:
They really didn't used to be my thing. They're his thing, but not mine. The only one I'd ever watched on my own was Code Geass. I think that's how you spell it anyways.
But we watched Fullmetal Alchemist, and I thought it was pretty good. (:
Then we went to the school to swing for a while. He's really bad at making decisions, but then again, so am I. We're really uncompatable in that way. xD
Then we went to his house for a while. We just hung out and joked around, pretty much. Sometimes I can get frustrated with him, but it never lasts long. We've never had an actual fight, either.
I enjoyed my day, for the most part.
The next few days might be crazy. Tomorrow my dad gets back in town. But he's only here till Sunday. Thursday I'm going to see fireworks with Cimiron. I'm stoked. xD Last year I had a blast. There's just something about him. (; Haha.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog and deleting this one. There are some people here that know about this one, and I don't really like that. It makes me feel like I have to be careful what I say on here. Which isn't what I intended when I started this blog. /: I would just tell those people that know about it to not read it, but really, I don't trust them not to. So what to do?
My mood drops really low when I'm alone. Sometimes when I'm with others it happens too. Anger.. That's what it is. Anger and sadness.
But like when I'm with Cimiron, most of the time I'm happy. I'm still trying to find that balance, though. Only time will tell, I guess. Time and patience. I suck at being patient. xD Sometimes.
Never too late to work on it, I guess.
Peace out, for now. (:
Monday, July 1, 2013
Selfish... I am.
I was with Cimiron yesterday. Being sweet, and cuddling. He bought me a pee-wee pillow pet, an elephant. I was being happy. Until I ruined it.
I guess I'd been acting self conscious of my legs, because he asked what was wrong. Before I could think about it too much, I showed him my legs. Whether it was borne out of desperation, fear, need, whatever - I showed him my legs.
He took it surprisingly well. There are probably close to 100 cuts on my thighs. Some deep, some not.
We talked. He told me to reach out to him, use him. He told me he'd always be there, that he loved me. He told me he WANTED to help. So now, when I'm laying in bed, so close to reaching for the blade, wishing I could be with him, wishing he could take away my pain, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I'm burdening him? Why am I wishing I could take back the text message I sent him asking for help? Why can't I accept help?
It's 3:40am here now, for me. He will see the message at about 8am, but I've got to be up at 6:30am. Yet I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking.
Ask for help. Guilt.
Self harm. Guilt.
Ask for a favor. Guilt.
Tell someone I need him. Guilt.
Cry, finally. Guilt.
Breathe. Guilt.
Live. Guilt.
Exist. Guilt.
Why can't it ever go away? People ask me WHY I think I deserve so much pain and unhappiness. I don't have an answer. I only know with every fiber of my being that I deserve it.
I'm a pessimist, and for that I wish I could die. I honestly don't see good that I bring to people or the world. I see the pain, the hurt, the burden. I see the negativity I bring to people.
What switched in my brain? Why can't I see it? What makes me different?
People say that you can't love others unless you love yourself first. Or that others can't love you if you don't love yourself. But I don't. I don't love myself, and I doubt I ever will.
So how can anyone love me?
How can I have value?
How can I have worth?
I can't. I just can't. I never will, it feels like.
Maybe this is my destiny...
I guess I'd been acting self conscious of my legs, because he asked what was wrong. Before I could think about it too much, I showed him my legs. Whether it was borne out of desperation, fear, need, whatever - I showed him my legs.
He took it surprisingly well. There are probably close to 100 cuts on my thighs. Some deep, some not.
We talked. He told me to reach out to him, use him. He told me he'd always be there, that he loved me. He told me he WANTED to help. So now, when I'm laying in bed, so close to reaching for the blade, wishing I could be with him, wishing he could take away my pain, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I'm burdening him? Why am I wishing I could take back the text message I sent him asking for help? Why can't I accept help?
It's 3:40am here now, for me. He will see the message at about 8am, but I've got to be up at 6:30am. Yet I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking.
Ask for help. Guilt.
Self harm. Guilt.
Ask for a favor. Guilt.
Tell someone I need him. Guilt.
Cry, finally. Guilt.
Breathe. Guilt.
Live. Guilt.
Exist. Guilt.
Why can't it ever go away? People ask me WHY I think I deserve so much pain and unhappiness. I don't have an answer. I only know with every fiber of my being that I deserve it.
I'm a pessimist, and for that I wish I could die. I honestly don't see good that I bring to people or the world. I see the pain, the hurt, the burden. I see the negativity I bring to people.
What switched in my brain? Why can't I see it? What makes me different?
People say that you can't love others unless you love yourself first. Or that others can't love you if you don't love yourself. But I don't. I don't love myself, and I doubt I ever will.
So how can anyone love me?
How can I have value?
How can I have worth?
I can't. I just can't. I never will, it feels like.
Maybe this is my destiny...
Vans Warped Tour
I went to the Vans Warped Tour. It was so epic.
For any of you who don't know what that is, it's like a giant concert. There are usually over 50 bands and they play. You can move from any of the stages, and there are about 6. It was epic!! O. M. G.
There are too many bands to list here right now, but I'll list the ones I saw and the ones I'm a fan of. If you want to see any more, here's the link. http://www.vanswarpedtour.com/bands/
The bands I saw were 3oh!3, The Ataris, Black Veil Brides, Blessthefall, Bring Me The Horizon, Echosmith, Forever The Sickest Kids, Like Moths To Flames, Relient K, Silverstein, Sleeping With Sirens, Never Shout Never, The Black Delilah Murder, Tonight Alive, and Woe Is Me.
They were amazing!! ^_^
At one point, I was watching The Ataris, and I crowd surfed. I got to make it to the front, but I had to leave because I was seconds from passing out. If I had stayed at the front of the stage, I'd have passed out. I was starving, dehydrated, and light headed. So I left. I wish I could have stayed there, but it was fun.
I got shoved into a mosh pit too. I got kicked in the ribs and I might have hurt a few other people, but nevertheless, it was so amazing to be there. I loved it. I wish I could have stayed there longer to see more bands. But I had to leave. I'm sure I'll have more to write later, but for now, here you go!
For any of you who don't know what that is, it's like a giant concert. There are usually over 50 bands and they play. You can move from any of the stages, and there are about 6. It was epic!! O. M. G.
There are too many bands to list here right now, but I'll list the ones I saw and the ones I'm a fan of. If you want to see any more, here's the link. http://www.vanswarpedtour.com/bands/
The bands I saw were 3oh!3, The Ataris, Black Veil Brides, Blessthefall, Bring Me The Horizon, Echosmith, Forever The Sickest Kids, Like Moths To Flames, Relient K, Silverstein, Sleeping With Sirens, Never Shout Never, The Black Delilah Murder, Tonight Alive, and Woe Is Me.
They were amazing!! ^_^
At one point, I was watching The Ataris, and I crowd surfed. I got to make it to the front, but I had to leave because I was seconds from passing out. If I had stayed at the front of the stage, I'd have passed out. I was starving, dehydrated, and light headed. So I left. I wish I could have stayed there, but it was fun.
I got shoved into a mosh pit too. I got kicked in the ribs and I might have hurt a few other people, but nevertheless, it was so amazing to be there. I loved it. I wish I could have stayed there longer to see more bands. But I had to leave. I'm sure I'll have more to write later, but for now, here you go!
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