Untitled

Well, hi.

Today is Halloween! Not that I ever really celebrate it much. I guess I have never really been social enough to have friends to "party" with. So today I worked. It was suuuuper busy. I mean, keep in mind that I never go to stores on holidays. Never needed to, but today I was there.
And damn. I mean, I was in the parking lot for one hour today, and I almost got hit 3 times for people's ignorance. I mean... and plus I was collecting carts. People would put their carts in-between cars when they saw me coming. It irritated me. But I got through it, and hopefully tomorrow won't be so crazy.

My new apartment is okay. My dad has been starting fights with me over petty shit, such as not knowing why my boyfriend decided to wear a certain jacket on a certain day. Like dude, I am not a mind reader. And then he claimed it was because he wanted to get to know my boyfriend. I told him that if he wanted to get to know A, he should ask him instead of me. He didn't like that.
Also, I work about 10 miles from where I live, and I can't transfer until after 30 days (although I don't know about transferring anymore). I asked my dad to come pick me up ONE time, and as soon as he did he blew up on me saying that i need to get my drivers lisence and a bunch of other stuff like how gas isn't free and I never offer gas money.
It's like he forgets I spent the last two months sleeping in my boyfriends car with no money whatsoever. I couldn't even afford food. Now that I have this apartment, I thought things would get easier. But they arent.
My dad claims that when we signed the lease, we agred to split the rent of $1390/month three ways. I don't think we did, because the other night he brought up the fact that rent is due and when I calculated the numbers.... it meant we would pay $900/month and my dad would pay $450. Does that seem fair?
I mean, my dad occupies a bedroom, a bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen at our apartment. My boyfriend and I occupy a bathroom, a bedroom, a living room, and a kitchen. So how the hell does it make sense for me to pay 2X the amount of rent he is for the same amount of space?
It doesn't. Especially when you consider my situation.
Even working 36-40 hours a week obly brings me $150/week, so $450/month for food, rent, and gas/bus money to and from work. My boyfriend makes anywhere from $400-$700 every two weeks. So realistically, I can't pay $450 in rent uless I plan to starve and not make it to work.
But my dad still refuses to agree to pay half, which would be $700 even for both of us.
I owe $800 to my bank. My dad wants me to get a drivers liscence, a car, and insurance. My grandma wants me to pay $200 for school to get my diploma. My boyfriend wants to see me eat and not self harm.
It's FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
No matter how much I work I will never get paid enough to afford my own rent, without relying on my boyfriend.
I have recently taken to punching things. I makes me feel a lot better and helps me relieve some anger. And the fact that I get paid jack shit makes me want to hit something real bad.

Otherwise, I'm losing weight again. I told my boyfriend that my goal was to lose 20 lbs (jokingly) and he didn't disagree. So that means I am fat and I deserve to lose weight. The proof is in the photo.

But this is all a jumble of all the shit in my head. If it makes any sense at all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

Another 3 Months

Well, it's been about 3 months since I last wrote here. I had taken to Instagram for a while, using that as my blog hoping I could find some more support there. It lasted shortly, before I began realizing that nobody cared about me in general. It got to the point that I was becoming resentful there towards some people who claimed that they were my "friends". So I am basically getting rid of that platform, and returning to blogger.

While I was living at M and S's we began to have a problem with bed bugs. My boyfriend and I were trying to treat them and M and S didn't want us to. About a month passed of my boyfriend and I sleeping in his car, before we said enough and tried to treat them behind their backs. That ended up blowing up in our faces, and I got kicked out while my boyfriend was at work. During one of the better periods of living there, I had realized that I had the collection book my grandpa had for me. I also realized that some of the uncirculated gold dollars were missing from my book, and I tried to fix it. My roommates offered to help, and I accepted. When they kicked us out they ended up saying that they had never seen the coins and they stole two of them from me. Talk about a low blow. That was literally the last thing that I had from my grandpa, and the closest thing to my heart. They just stole it without a second thought. I went through a lot of arguments with them over trying to get them back, and I have been homeless ever since.

After that fell through and I started living in my boyfriends car, all I had was my job. I wasn't doing hard work and I was getting paid $10/hr for that. But I was a new hire and I guess I fucked up (I don't wanna go into detail) and got fired after only working there for a few months. I was pretty upset, because I actually liked that job.
I was trying to find an apartment with my bf during this time too, but the rent here is rediculously high. We never would have been able to get a place on our own, and it's getting pretty cold here.
Luckily at the last minute my dad helped us get a place which is $1390/month (see what I mean by high rent?) and I am really hoping this works out.

As for a job, after I lost my last one I applied at a grocery store and had to pass a drug test. I had applied once before and they didn't hire me because I failed their test. But this time I somehow managed to pass it, and it is such a good opportunity. I get paid weekly, they started me at 42 hours on my first week, 32.75 my second week, and there is room to move up and get raises.

The flip side? My position right now requires a lot of physical effort which burns calories and I have been fasting every day that I work. I know I am losing weight. When I started this blog I weighed 180lbs (size 16) and now I weigh ?lbs and am a size 4. But even those are getting loose.
As my life is starting to get better my mental health is getting worse. But I don't even care, so long as people think I am happy and everything stays going good.

I still get random bouts of wishing I was dead, as well as still having blades. I recently started abusing laxatives again, and although I haven't weighed myself recently I know I am losing weight.

My boyfriend and I are doing good, I love him. I need to quit smoking, but right now is not the time.
Anyways. I should be more active. I redownloaded the blogger app so I can update more.
Would you comment if you're still reading?