I actually don't know how to say what's going through my head for once. I just know it's a lot.

I woke up this morning to more bullshit from my mom, basically telling me that I was untrustworthy, selfish, and a bunch of other things. She told me bullshit excuses, and told me that I could just go ahead and enjoy my life without her. We just got approved for freedom the other day and now she is trying to tell me to forget about the whole thing, as if it didn't matter.

I'd rather she have just punched me.

I went through so much hell to reach that point... And she just rejects it all. On top of that, I got approved to go visit my brother today, who I haven't seen in over 10 years. I was so psyched to go, and then my mom just tells me that she is going without me.

I don't even know what else to say. That's just gasoline to the flame..

I refuse to be somewhere I am not wanted, but I thought if anyone would ever want me around, it would be my mother since we are so much alike. But not even she wants me around.

So, what is it? What's so wrong with me such that neither of my parents want me?

I don't need them, but.. I don't know how to explain what I feel about that or even why I should give a fuck in the first place. I shouldn't, but I do. Quite a bit more than I would like to admit.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was 144.6 lbs. Which means that I somehow lost around 1.8 lbs since yesterday morning.

How the fuck I managed that, I don't know. I thought yesterday's intake of 300 was bad, but today's intake makes it look incredible.

I've had 1/2 a buttered noodle entree (465), some ice cream, and half of a freezie thing, and some nachos and fries. I am just horrified and fucking livid at myself because I know I'll have gained by tomorrow. But tomorrow begins my emptiness again. No food for me.

I was laying on my bed with my boyfriend this morning and I stood up to get a drink. I got really lightheaded as I usually do whenever I stand after sitting, but then my vision started to dim. I grabbed my dresser to steady myself and then.. I guess I passed out. The next thing I knew was that I was on the ground staring up at my boyfriend. I once again shrugged it off, pretending it wasn't anything to be worried about. But I know it freaked him out. He said that I looked like I had OD'd on something, and the time before that I was told that I stopped breathing for a minute. I know I should feel scared, but I feel kind of... Numb? I mean, yeah passing out isn't good. But I don't really care because knowing that I am losing weight every day and am perfectly empty - that is enough. Not that I would expect that to make sense to anyone.

So after I ate lunch, and such, I've been trying to find the motivation to exercise to compensate, but I can't. My body is tired, but I can't let it rest. Aaannnd, I just so happened to find a little of my friend Jenny around today. I know, I know. I am supposed to be avoiding it, at least for a while. But I am horrified by what I have eaten today, and honestly don't know what I am gonna do once the sun goes down very soon.

I have been feeling the urge to self harm since I woke up this morning and it has only gotten stronger. I don't even know what to say to my boyfriend about it, but I know he would want me to.

I have been feeling increasingly more bitchy as the day goes by as well. I don't know why, but I just want to lay around and relax. Every muscle in my body feels tired, and I can't allow myself to feel that way.

Right now I feel unpredictable. Hah.

I guess it's true. Your stomach really does shrink. Why does that make me slightly happy inside?

But I absolutely despise this feeling. Actually, that's a fucking understatement. I don't know what I am going to do after this, but I'm going to make an honest effort to calm the fuck down. If I take this level of anger out on myself, I'm not sure where I would stop. I can't honestly say I would stop..

But it is nighttime now and that is always my weakest time. It's almost impossible to ignore the screaming in my head, or to escape the anxiety and anger. Especially when it gets to this point. I remember the last time I felt this angry. This helpless and self destructive. Fed up, scared, and suicidal. But I can't let it show. I shouldn't. I have to be the better version of me.

I'm always cold as fuck after eating. Like the act of accepting food in my stomach is more than my body has energy for and therefore it can't keep me warm. I don't like being cold. 

When I think about it... I have changed a lot, really fast. None of my clothes fit me anymore, nor do the shorts I bought not so long ago. I can see the difference in my legs when I am laying down. I can feel my hipbones and my stomach is almost flat. But I still weigh more than I am comfortable with and therefore I have to keep going.

I don't feel like talking to anyone, other than A. I don't know why, but I don't have the energy to respond to others.

I'm laying at a lake with my boyfriend watching the sunset and the sound of the lake is slightly calming. But it hardly takes the edge off of the anxiety and overwhelming sense of disgust and anger. But I am trying to keep that hidden, and not let him see it. I don't know why, or maybe I just don't want to feel the guilt.

I lost my job the other day, and though it was my decision, myself and my fault entirely... I can't stop hating on myself for it and tearing myself apart. I need to cut. I need that release.

I just don't want to say anything right now, and that's usually when shit hits the fan. I don't wanna exist right now. It's such a forceful feeling, and what am I supposed to do except what I know?

I just want today to end. It was a good day, or at least better than most, but I'm tired. I just want to sleep, and preferably better than I did last night. Guess I couldn't expect A to keep all of the dreams away. Eventually I will have to face them, but hopefully not for a while. I wish I could just forget.

I just need to breathe. One day should definitely not be so difficult to get through. It is a little easier with my boyfriend here next to me, willing to help. I just have to reach out and accept it, and let him help me. I have to want to help myself. Which I honestly don't want to, and I don't know why I don't want to. I wouldn't even know how to accept his help if I ever did want to. 

I don't even feel like I have enough energy to hope for a tomorrow. I just want to take a break. I want there to be an endless amount of hours between the end of today and the beginning of tomorrow where time does not exist. Where feelings, thoughts, memories.. Do not exist. Just an emptiness to rest in before gearing up to take on tomorrow.

I can't let that weariness show. I have to be stronger than my fatigue, than my thoughts. I can't let them drown me, if not for the sake of me then for the sake of A. I wouldn't want him to see that. But if that's what it comes to, then I can't stop him from seeing it.

I will be fine. I have to. But my control is slipping. 

Let's Begin Again

So today would have been day 5 of complete fasting. Except my boyfriend was starting to get more adamant about it,,,; I was really trying not to, but I guess I didn't try hard enough.

The end result was two and a half chicken tenders (233) and he tried to get me to drink a milkshake but I only took a sip (50).

When I looked up the nutritional info, I saw that the milkshake was just too much. I couldn't make my throat open enough to take another bite. It was good though.

So my total intake for the day is going to be around 300. I guess I can deal with that, but I really wanted to be empty. At least it didn't stop the head rushes and the bullshit with my vision. That proves that my body is hungry still, which means that it will burn fat. 

Which means I might actually see a lower number on the scale tomorrow. I really need to just get there already. I am so fucking close to my goal, and then its off to my next one. I have to keep going lower and lower. I have to keep myself in control because one slip up and all my hard work is out the window. I love this feeling - like I am weightless and like I could just float away. It's such a nice change from feeling every centimeter of space I take up, all the while deserving none of it.

I am so grateful that my boyfriend cares about me enough to want to keep me from passing out... But it's impossible for him to understand how much I hate myself and my fear of food. They aren't such common things, at least not in the usual sense.

How do you explain something like that, that sounds so absolutely crazy?

I have been tripping today. Mentally i don't feel all put together because it took so long for mei form a sentence with the  keep seeing shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and sometimes when I look at something it just doesn't look right and I have to wait a minute for it to look as it should. I feel especially jumpy and anxious today, and I can't figure out why.

I straight up almost flipped shit on my back porch earlier because I am not strong enough to face my fears. I know they will just get worse from here on out, if I don't face them soon. But that feels impossible for many different reasons. And I only seem to infuriate myself even more. This cycle is all too easy to get sucked into.

Played some mind games with my mom earlier. She was upset over something she neglected to tell me, and then refused when I offered her a redud basically. So to spite me she took the one thing she just gave me. A chance to see my brother who I haven't seen in over 10 years. How could you do something like that?

I don't know about even going there on my own because I don't know shit about the system. But that was just such an amazing opportunity, gone almost as fast as it appeared. I made her really mad and "fucked her over" just like everyone else, she said she wasn't gonna go. So I don't fucking know, but I DO know that my chances to see him are limited to a short span of time, and time seems to move all too fast these days.

It's like I can't blink or I will miss an entire week. It's just passing by, and I want it to slow down.

I am waiting for my anxiety to fade from earlier, although I want to exercise. I feel like shit though, so I don't want to at the same time. Of course it's obvious what Ana says.

Logically I know that eating 300 calories isn't gonna make me gain 5 lbs. I just hate the uncomfortable feeling of my stomach processing a foreign substance: food. I feel like I can just feel the fat sticking to everywhere it doesn't need to be

I think I'm slightly over-emotional today.

I still haven't spoken to my best friend properly in a while, but I just want to forget our issues and move on. At the same time this makes R slightly a liability and just another thing to figure out, though.

I think eating made me tired, and if that is the case then I may be in trouble. I could walk to and from work.

I can't eat and then be so lazy and sleep! I have to use those empty calories and get this shit out of my stomach, but all I wanna do is curl up in a ball next to A and just be. That's been the gist of today. We were out all of last night taking pictures as watched the sun come up. It was pretty neat actually, and I got some pretty decent photos from it.

So we came back to my house at around 6am and although neither of us has done all that much today, that's alright. Well, it was. Now I wish I had the ability to purge or that I hadn't eaten at all. I'm scared of the food being in my body.

I just gotta chill.

Mellow out and stop trippin. I am not sure of what we are doing tonight, but the one thing I know for sure is that I am going to have a negative net before the end of the dàys.

Well writing isn't helping my anxiety at all, and so I guess that's all I have to say for now. Maybe I will have better luck drowning out my thoughts with music. And of course there's my boyfriend right there (; that's distraction enough. I just gotta get rid of it and I will be fine. I will begin fasting again tomorrow and do better. I will reach my goals.

I have nothing if not my self control.

Damn.

I am honestly about to not go home. I went there to charge my phone and wait for my boyfriend to get off work, but I didn't make it past the kitchen because it was full of moths. I am honestly willimg to bet that there were around 40. Some fluttering rapidly, some still.

The sound of a moth or anything fluttering against a window makes me cringe. Actually, that is kind if am understatement. I just can't deal with it. I don't know why I hate moths as much as I do, but is a paralyzing fear. I can't remember ever not having this fear. So im gonna sit on the sidewalk for a while and them meet my boyfriend when he gets off work so he can disregard thee note I left him tellimg him where to meet me.

I honestly fucking hate myself for being this afraid.
I wish I was dead, since it is a fear I cannot escape. Fuck me.

Looking Up

Today started in kind of a rush, because after two days' worth of being up, I had to come down. And down I did. I slept for 13 hours, waking up only to realize that it was 11:30 and that A was late to work.

So he rushed out the door to get to work and I took my time to get ready for the day and at least be a little productive.

I got some of my laundry done, took a shower, cleaned my room a bit, and weighed myself.

The result is that I have lost around 7 lbs from the last time I weighed, and am 2 lbs below the lowest I had weighed before this point.

Only 2 lbs away from my next goal, but still not low enough.

It's a hell of a lot better than the gain I was expecting though, so I will take it.

This morning I would have bet that today would be a bad day. But I wanted to test something, and so I went outside and sat in the sun for a few minutes. I took some deep breaths, smoked a cigarette, and calmed my mind. I went back inside and continued what I was doing and it definitely made a difference. It calmed me down enough to where I could actually focus, think, and be. It was the start of today actually being a good day.

Today is day 3 of fasting. I was about to pass out, so I drank a can of soda (160) and once I went to meet my boyfriend he gave me a smoothie to drink. I ended up only taking a few sips though, so ill guess on the lower end. Not a bad intake, and still no solid food. If I can keep this up, I know I will be losing weight and meeting my goals in no time.

I am beginning to understand how going up can become so addicting. After seeing my weight this morning, I definitely want to get it again. I don't have money until the first though, so unless my boyfriend can work something out, I'm gonna be pretty normal for the next week. I know I can keep myself in control, and if I can't I know that I have people such as my boyfriend and my mom to keep me in check. It won't become just another one of my addictions. I will stay strong

All it means is that I am going to have to work harder to keep losing, and not gain everything back.

I'm not sure when exactly I work this week because they scheduled me for around 40 hours, but I told them 2 weeks ago that I needed this week off. Just this one week. So I guess they are going to try to find coverage for my shifts, but I won't know until tonight.

As it stands right now, tomorrow I am supposed to work from 4 to 10. Six hours I am not excited to work. But nothing I can do until then except enjoy my day off. It's nearly 5pm here, so the day is almost over. But I might as well enjoy it while it is here.

One of the strangest feelings is to smile. Not a fake smile, and not a smile for the people around me. Not a smile that is hiding something, or a lie. I mean a genuine smile. I can't remember the last time I smiled like that, but this feeling is good. Today I smile because I am genuinely happy, because it feels good to smile. I only hope it can stay this way.

I got some amazing news earlier that made this day all the more better. I am free entirely from my past. I not entirely, then pretty fucking close. The only part that is left to haunt me is the memories inside of my head. But I gained freedom today, and that is more than enough for me.

One day, I will no longer be defined by my past. Today I made a huge step towards that goal, and there is nowhere to go except up.

Thoughts

I have eaten absolutely nothing today, and yet I still feel so fat.

This is my second day in a while that my total cals intake is below 300. And net cals are negative. 

I really hope that it shows on the scale tomorrow. I don't feel like it will. I don't feel empty either and that makes me anxious. I could take laxatives, I suppose. But given that it is so late and I didn't want to put food in my stomach, I didn't take them.

This next week will be kind of difficult without my cheats, but I don't want to undo all the hard work I have done... Depending on the scale.

I seriously fucked myself up today.. I didn't really feel like I was in my head and I kept zoning out. I literally sat in a car for damn near 11 hours... With only my iPod and its apps to keep me occupied. Somehow I managed to not go crazy and the only thing I can think of to explain how that is possible is "zoning out". I kept fading in and out of reality today, and though I can't remember where I might have gone, I guess I scratched/popped pimples ap my arms and have been biting my nails from anxiety. I managed to burn myself with another cigarette, cut my fingers a few times with my blade, and faceplant/ give myself a bruise. I swear, today has been a day. I didn't even do all that much with my day, yet somehow I managed to accomplish so much in the way of pain. Hmm. At least they are things that I can explain or don't seem so suspicious. Or maybe I am just fooling myself. Either way, I can hide most of it.

I am finally starting to feel tired as I haven't slept in a full 52 hours. Ironically enough though, if I had the means to get more up, I would. I would so keep doing it if I could. But for the next week, I can't.

I guess I will just try not to think too much about my weight until I can weigh myself and know for sure tomorrow. In the meantime, I need to find a distraction.

Actually, I don't even want a distraction. I want to either go up so I can enjoy more energy, or I want to go wayy down into nothingness. No thoughts. No feelings. No dreams. Just empty.

A lot of people dislike that feeling, but most don't realize how much of a bliss it is. The extents I would go to in order to feel that peaceful numbness, if it was possible. Sometimes it might be, but it is only fleeting.

It is gone almost as soon as it appears, but the memory never truly fades. That is what keeps me going, towards the very thing that will destroy me.

 

Rambles

I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I've been flying high with Jenny recently, and I fucking love it. I know I should be tired if nothing else, but I definitely have no intentions of sleeping anytime soon. I want to push myself and see just how far I can go. Until I fall.

I haven't been hungry at all these past two days, so no food for me. Liquids, mostly. That's what I have been surviving on. I still don't know my weight... I don't think I can handle knowing it unless its lower than it was last time.. At least 5lbs lower.

My boyfriend A doesn't believe I need to lose more weight, but he also doesn't see what I used to be. I will not stand to be fat another day, another second, another year. I would rather be dead. I have gotten better, but it is still not enough.

It's almost noon here today as well, and all I have had is a little bit of tea mixed with lemonade. I didn't even drink most of it, though I am the one that wanted it.

I don't work today, and I am so thankful. Last night I was scheduled to work from 1 to 6:30. A nice, easy shift. But as it turns out, someone walked out yesterday and they were short on staff. People weren't showing up when scheduled, and as a result they asked me to stay until 9. I eventually agreed, without realizing that 9 would mean 10, which would turn into 11... Towards the end of my shift, we were getting a rush. There were a lot of people placing large orders and not enough people to make it happen, well.. Quickly. So customers were getting upset, and my manager was basically throwing a temper tantrum. I don't know what else to call it. She was slamming things, bitching at everyone, panicking, and it definitely rubbed off on everyone. She was getting on my case for little things that normally wouldn't matter and I was so ready to walk out of there, at the cost of my job or not. I just couldn't take anymore of their bullshit. Fortunately enough, she told me to leave, saying she would deal with my drawer and clock me out. The only thing she didn't realize was that by staying until 11, I got around 5 hours of overtime. Which, as of recently, nobody is allowed to get overtime. They were so worried about it that they said if anyone got overtime, they were going to start restricting hours to control overtime. I am not too sure about the validity of this statement, but either way, it could end fine or it could end badly. I hope it works out.

I am supposed to have this week off, as I told them I was going on a college visit trip. Which I am supposed to be going on, but since I don't have my GED yet I can't go. That's the other thing. I am so unsure of how to go about getting this GED. They changed it and it seems to be a lot more complicated than I originally thought it would be. I am working on it though.. Because it is something I need to do for myself. I need to feel equal again. I need to prove to myself as well as my family that I am not a failure. That I am stronger than they could have ever guessed. I refuse to be held back.

So I pretty much have this entire week off, aside from 2 days. Somewhere around 17 hours. I still haven't decided if I want to go back to my job or not, or just leave and find another. Because as much as I need a job, there is only so much bullshit that I can stand to deal with before I snap and say enough. Last night was definitely a test of that limit. -sigh- Well, if nothing else, I am not there anymore, and don't have to be at least until Sunday. I guess I will see how I feel by then.

I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my day. My boyfriend works all day, and there isn't really anywhere I wanna be. I don't know what I want to do with myself today, and I hate it so much. I hate not having something to do, somewhere to go, or things to do during the day. He works like 5 mins away from my house though, which is convenient because I can go there. Or I could sit here in the grass outside his work until he gets off in like... 10 hours from now. But I don't want to be lazy. I need something to do to keep my mind occupied. My boy basically told me that if I feel like harming myself, I need to come find him. He said that even if he is working, he would rather put me first. He would rather I take my emotions out on him, than take them out on myself. But I don't think I could ever do that. Not without a reason to validate such violence. He wants to talk through the times when I feel like cutting, rather than letting me cut. But I honestly don't know what good talking does. It brings guilt, shame, and more hatred toward myself, and I don't think it could really help. At least not in the sense that he is wanting it to.

I have known my best friend since middle school, so roughly 6 or 7 years. We have been through some shit together, and somehow she still wants to be my friend. I would trust her with my life, above almost anyone else. I asked her for a slight favor this morning, one I have asked for before. I have also held true to my words in past situations and never screwed her over. She basically replied that she can't help me because she "hasn't seen me in... Idk how long".

Seriously.

It simply comes down to the fact that she has a job, maybe two. I have a job and work a lot. She isn't good with answering texts, and usually when I get the chance I try to talk to her but our conversations don't last long.

I feel like I went from being right by her side to being thrown backwards into the dust. Which... I hesitate to believe that she would actually do that, because surely I have to mean more than that, right? After 7 years, you would think so too, right? I don't really know what she means by the fact that she can't help me out because she doesn't see me.. It almost feels like she is playing mind games. Which in a sense I can understand, but at the same time, maybe I was foolish enough to believe that it wouldn't happen to me. Not from her anyways. I don't really know what she said in response when I asked her to elaborate because my boyfriend has my phone right now and I told him he could use it for music today since he works a lot.

When I started writing this post I was fine. I felt a little frustrated but it was nothing. It seems like the more I write and the more I put my thoughts to paper (or in this case the keyboard) the more my thoughts spiral downward. The more I want to cut, the more anxious I feel.

Why do I want to cut? I can't clearly define my reason, and I can't define the trigger.

I just know that I do and that I was triggered. I know that right now if my boy was here, he would want to know what happened. I don't know how to explain it.  He would want me to come find him at work. But I honestly don't think it is important enough and he definitely doesn't need to worry about me today. He is at work, that is what should be his focus. If I cut, I cut. What can I do but apologize later?

^ this is why I am so afraid to lose him. He wants me and he wants to give me a chance. I am thoroughly fucking up my chances with him, a little bit at a time.

He deserves better. So much better. Someone smarter, prettier, stronger. Anyone except me. And I just know that whether I want to or not, if I keep doing things this way, I will lose him.

The other day I was talking to him about addiction. I happened to mention my addiction to starving and one of the first responses that he had was along the lines of "You aren't Anorexic, you just wish you could be and I don't know why you would want that"... And that was an extremely triggering comment. I don't think he would even think to rethink his words for that one because to most people that wouldn't be offensive. But I don't think I will be forgetting that anytime soon.

It *almost* makes me feel like I have something to prove, like it was a challenge although logically I know that is not how he meant it. Not by a long fucking shot, but I am still triggered.

I saw a friend of mine yesterday who also suffers (or at least did) with Anorexia. She was so tiny, so fragile. She is beautiful, and I can just imagine what she would be thinking about me after seeing her yesterday.

I'm fat. I'm lazy. Worthless. Wannabe. Weak. Disgusting.

I honestly don't think she would be mistaken in thinking any of those things. She wouldn't ever say them to my face, but since I am a girl myself, I know how judgemental they can be. I wouldn't dare expect any less.

Maybe I can find a way to use this as motivation instead if just blind anger and hatred. Because I need to starve so I don't have to feel. So I can be numb.

But that is easier said than done these days. It is an all or nothing thing in that I either feel nothing at all and am completely numb... Or I feel everything from the worst to the best. I can't pick and choose what to feel and what not to feel. What should I choose?

On an entirely different note, I think I might notice the slightest difference in my body. My wrists are smaller and more skeletal, as are my hands. I have the slightest little thigh gap, and I can fit my hand through it. My thighs still touch though, and that bothers the shit out of me. I am still fat, and I may be crazy. In fact I know I am. But these tiny little changes give me hope that I might one day be something I can stand. Not now, but maybe someday. Maybe.

I never seem to stop wanting to fade. To disappear, to stop existing. Even now, in the midst of what I would dare to call happiness, the desire to disappear and fade is always lurking. Waiting for that one moment when everything isn't picture perfect and then it sneaks up and  I somehow always fall for it. I believe that it would be best, but then shit gets a reality check and things just get more and more complicated.

I wish things could be simple.

But it seems these days that simple is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

So I guess I will just stumble around until I fall, hoping to steady myself in the process.

Fear Controls Me

I got high last night... The kind of high where I can fly. It was nice, and I am glad that I got to share that oppertunity with my boyfriend, A.

It was fun for the most part, except I started freaking out and crying on my back porch. He was there with me, and as soon as he went inside its like the floodgates opened. I didn't want him to see me cry, and I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes..

I'm tired of living in fear...

Fear of life.

Fear of my body.

Fear of my weight, and of food.

A rediculous fear of moths.

Fear of things that I cannot control.

Fear of the unknown..

So basically... Everything.

He seems to promise that I can get better. That things can improve. I want to believe him, but how do you turn your back on the only thing you have ever known?

It is kind of a given that he wants me to stop cutting. But do I want to? He says I don't need the blade anymore, but what will replace it?

I am afraid to repeat history again... But how can I stop it? I can only predict it, and watch it happen.

I feel so helpless.

I cut the other day while he was at work, because I needed him... But I also needed a reason to not deserve him. At first he asked what happened, and he wanted to talk to me about it. I didn't want to talk to him, because as soon as I started to open up, I got slammed with guilt. I got out of his car and started walking, and for once he followed. Everyone else in my life would just watch me walk away... But he chased me and brought me back.

I can honestly say that I'm happy with him, but I fear that same happiness because I know well that it can disappear as soon as it appears.
I know that my insecurities are going to get in the way... But how do I stop that?
I wish I could escape my head.

I fear attention..
Whenever I am out and about, I know that people notice me. They stare, they comment about me... Whether it be my weight, my scars, or my perso.ality. All I want to do is hide. But that is just another thing that I can't control.
When will I stop being afraid to live?

How do I eradicate this guilt that clings to me like a second skin?
There is so much guilt over so many different things that they just kind of blend together and I can only identify it as fear.

When will I start deserving him?
If I don't change soon, I could lose him. The one good thing in my life that has begun to heal me.. I can't lose that.
I know I have been with him for a very short time, but it feels like forever. I don't feel like we were ever strangers. Things are just easy and natural for us, when I don't get in the way.
But that seems to be what I am good at - getting in the way.

I wish I could escape myself, my head, my life. My fat body.
But it isn't that easy.. Not anymore.
I need him, but in the same breath I can't need anyone because need equals vulnerability. And that has only lead to destroying me farther.

I got a tattoo that says "Destroy what destroys you" because I hope one day I can be a survivor and not a victim. But how do you define the two? I am a long ways away from that, and yet I feel short on time. Every second passes too quickly, each minute gone before I can blink. Days feel like seconds, and I want it to slow down. I need more time, but for what? Why am I so desperate for time, when I am so afraid of the things I can't control? How could I even entertain the thought that I could control time?
It is a hopeless fantasy.

I almost want to keep marking the passage of time with marks in my skin, but can I? Our do I only think I can?
My thoughts build and build until they drown me, and when I fall beneath the waves, the blade is always there to pull me back. Compensation is always there to help as well, but I am changing without warning and I don't know what that means anymore. Is it good or bad? Maybe both?

I guess I can only learn to live with this fear, because I don't have the control and to say I could be in control would only be a lie. Not that those are uncommon for me, but I don't want them to be anymore.

So what is it that I want?
I don't even know.
So I leave with still no answers.
As always.

Hah

My life right now is too perfect. I work, spend time with my boyfriend, and sleep. I'm usually always with my boyfriend except when I am at work, and I love it just because I know he will get tired of me and I want to be with him as much as possible before that happens.

Since I dropped out of school, I hadn't really tried to get my GED. I have been focusing on getting a job and saving for an apartment and didnt have the money for a GED. But I do right now and therefore have been working on getting it. Hmm..

My weight has gone down since I last weighed... But I haven't weighed in a few days.. I haven't had the time or energy to bother, but for selfish reasons. I enjoy making myself anxious because I don't know my weight. That's fucked up and I know it. I'm gonna weigh soon thoigh, I feel like I have gained, but know I have lost.

I think I want to get "What we believe we manifest" tatted on my arm... And I get the chance again on July 1st. Should I? Thoughts might be appreciated...

Speaking of which... Who are my readers still? If anyone? I know I haven't posted so much in a while... But I do wonder if anyone reads my blog. Leave me a comment if you do?

I called my mom earlier, just to talk to her. She asked what I was doing and I told her where I was. She immediately told me I am wasting my life and my time. Wasting my chances, my seconds. She told me I was stupid and said some other stupid shit and then I hung up on her. Aye. >.<

Update

This post was supposed to be published about a week or so ago, but I only just realized that it didn't post. So here it is now.

I have no idea what my weight is because it's that time of the month. But I have been relatively good in terms if food.

Todays intake looks like:
1/2 of a nutrigrain bar (80)
Small glass of soda (150?)
Chips (80)
Special K crisps (100)
Total: 410

A lot of that was low in fat or at least had as much protein as it did fat, so im trying to not feel so bad about that. Plus, if I eat nothing else today, that shouldn't be so bad.. Right?

I work 7 hours again today.. From 2 to 9. I don't even want to go today because yesterday was so much bullshit.
I was working drive thru and front counter during a dinner rush last night and there were a lot of cars in the drive thru. I was trying to get food out as fast as I could to keep our times low and the manager on my shift started bitching at me because there were customers in the lobby and I hadn't has a chance to help them yet. After she finished bitching at me for that, she started telling another worker all about who I was and what I was doing wrong.
That's only part of the bullshit, but I will just say that by the end of my shift I was ready to punch her I'm the face. And I get to do it all over again today. Ugh.

I finally moved out of my dads house and into the place I'm renting. I don't really know what to call it, but I guess it's home now. I don't know how to feel about living there. Like am I supposed to just fade into the background and get in the way as little as possible or is there another way I should be going about this? I have so many questions but very little answers. I still don't know if she is gonna make me pay rent or not, but I just don't feel right living in a house that isn't mine without paying whoever to let me live there.

I talked to A the other day, and he said that right after he got to where he was going with his friend, he got stopped and his friend spilled the beans about some stuff that they weren't supposed to have and his friend ended up going to jail. So his whole trip basically got ruined and in about 2 or so days, they are coming back here and staying. Which I guess is good but it sucks that it had to happen that way.

I don't really have much else going on in my life right now, it just feels like a lot I guess. I'm growing up now and I'm not really sure how to go about it. Money is everything in a sense, but at the same time there is so much more to life than money. I haven't quite figured out that balance yet.
So it's just to keep trying to survive until I do, I guess.

A

These past few days it has felt like I've spent the majority of my time with that guy A I met a few weeks ago.

A few days ago we were hanging out after I got off work and we ended up going to this lookout area where you can see the cities, but it was over a highway. We had to climb this huge mountain to get to the top but it was so worth it. We just sat there and looked at the lights, and we talked. I remember that around 2am we tried going back down the mountain, so we could sit in his car because I was getting cold. On the way down I couldn't stand upright. He said he would keep me from falling but I couldn't seem to take one step without falling on my ass. So I slid down the mountain on my foot and couldn't stop laughing when I reached the bottom.

There was another day that I went with him to hang out at his friends house. He is pretty cool, but I remember this night he asked me if I felt like drinking. I agreed, just because. Throughout the night we listened to music, and we played beer pong. I had never played, but I thought it was fun to learn anyways. Turns out I'm not too bad at it. (; Then after we finished that, at around 3am, we ended up playing Kings Cup. It's basically a game where you find it almost impossible not to be drunk. Which, y'know.. That's half the fun! I had this bet going with A that because I am such a lightweight I couldn't keep up with him, and that I would tap out before he did. Well, I realized one thing if nothing else.. I am always going to be the designated driver.
I mean, when someone tries to get drunk, they don't usually fail. I did. His friend had to be at work at 5:30, and I remember that at around 5 I fell asleep on A's lap. I finally gave up on the fun and wanted to sleep. That was a good night for me.

When A told me that he liked me, he caught me off guard and I didn't really know how to respond. I told him that I just got out of a relationship and that I didn't want to jump into another one right away. But.. Now I realize how untrue that is. I haven't really been with anyone since January, and I realized how much I do want to be with someone. So I ended up telling A that I liked him as more than a friend. That I wanted him to stay here in my state and be with me versus moving out of state.
He basically said that if I still feel the same way next week when he gets back from "vacation", we can see about being together. I probably shouldn't be excited about that, but I am.

Last night after I got off work I really wanted to chill out and destress. So I called A and asked him what he was doing and he said he was at a party and asked if I wanted to go. I agreed, so he came to get me and we ended up driving out to the lake and sitting on top of the dam for a while. We talked, and joked around and when it got too cold we drove to the park and stargazed. I was pretty happy to just be there, looking at the stars, laying next to him. Eventually we left that park too, and we went back to the lake. We ended up falling asleep on the dock and around 4:30 we went back to his car to warm up. I think we both crashed there as well until about 8. I know how stupid that probably sounds, but there is just something about this kid that I like.
He is almost 20, so about 2 years older than I am. He isn't a bad guy, and I don't know why I like him. But I do. We have fun, he likes to do crazy things. He makes me laugh, and smile. I don't know though. I don't know if he still plans on moving, and if he does then I don't want to open my heart to him. I don't want him to be able to leave like that and hurt me. I mean, I have only known him for about a few weeks, I don't think this can be normal. There's probably an underlying reason as to why I want to be around him.. But I don't care.
He asked me to drive with him on this "vacation" he is taking for a week. I told him that I wanted to, and I do. I really fucking wanted to go with him. I just couldn't afford to get an entire week off of work and therefore I have to stay. But maybe, when he comes back.. He will still want to be around me.
Because he is cool. Being around him is easy. He's respectful, a gentleman, he makes me laugh.

I mean, what's not to like?
Should I go for it or am I being crazy?