Just Venting and Stuff

I don't even feel like I have a reason to be writing right now. But I am here because there's so many thoughts I feel like I can't express to anyone. At least here I can act like I'm talking to nobody.

The first is mainly my boyfriend. I try to be open with him and tell him when I am struggling but right now that just doesn't seem possible. He is going into the army, and it makes me so anxious to think about. He keeps talking about it, telling everyone. He should he happy, I just don't know if I am. The first length of time he will be gone is a month. But now that I have been thinking about it, I haven't spent a day away from him since we got together, just because I haven't wanted to. He is there for everything, it's hard for me to think about what my life would be like without him since I really have nobody BUT him. I know I'm selfish.

I also tried talking to him earlier when I felt my ED thoughts were really bad. I told him our disorganization was bothering me and that I felt like a continent. He blamed it on talking to my friend, saying things like if I would stop talking about it maybe I wouldn't feel that way. Which is untrue, I know. But it has been bugging me since he said it. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously, like feeling the way I do about my body doesn't matter. I feel like it would take something serious like being sink and bones or collapsing for him to take me seriously.... whivh then makes ne feel like shit.
I feel like I have to keep everything inside, because I have nobody to talk to and no outlet. I desperately want to hurt, since that's the only outlet I have that seems to help. But if I do, what will I do if he decides he doesn't want to deal with it?
Because he has already told me that I need to think higher of myself, and that it would make it easier to love me. But I don't know if it's possible. I have always felt this way about my body. I just wish my body would reflect the way I feel inside.

It's gotten to the point again where I honestly can't be bothered to speak, to do anything of self expression because it just feels so useless, so inadequate to what I actually feel or want to say.
I don't know what to do anymore, because I just feel so trapped. I don't mean to feel so trapped, or useless. But I do.

I honestly don't care who finds or reads this blog or if they know me personally anymore. Because I'm stupid, fat and useless. I deserve for people to see my pathetic struggle and for them to laugh at me. Because that's all I am, one big fat joke.
I'm so angry at myself. And at everyone else. I'm angry that I feel like I don't matter, I'm angry that nobody takes me seriously, that I feel so fucking useless But why should they?

I don't even know where I am going with this, I just needed to vent.

I'm sorry.

I have cried every day for the last 4 days, for one reason or another. It makes me angry because I feel pathetic and weak, but I have no way to express myself.

The other night I was laying with my bf in bed and he triggered flashbacks. I started crying, and I definitely didn't want to be touched. I ended up going to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette and try to return to myself. I know he didn't mean to trigger me like that, or that such a thing would even happen. And when I tried to explain to him what was happening, all I could get out was that my head was shouting "worthless, used, nothing, and pathetic" at me over and over again. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I feel so guilty for things like this. He doesn't deserve to suffer the pain of my past with me, and I know he tries his best to help me. I appreciate everything he does for me, and all the love he gives me.

The second time I cried was when he told me he was going to be going into the army once he finished school and got his diploma. I was so so happy when he enrolled back in school to finish. I mean, yeah, I'm a little jealous that his was just paid for and that I don't have the money to do the same for myself, but I'm mostly happy. As for the army, I have told him repeatedly that I don't want him to go and I have tried to explain why. Altgough I stand by my statement that he can do whatever he wants with his life, and that my only role is to decide if I want to be there for it. Well, he went ahead and enrolled in the army and is getting set up to enter when he finishes his schooling. My reasons for not wanting him to go are selfish. I don't want to be alone, and I am also worried that if he goes into the army, he might not come back. I don't know if I can deal with that, although I guess I should be proud that he wants to serve our country, especially with all that's going on right now. I'm just stupid and selfish, and I ended up crying over that too.

Today I cried because I got paid yesterday and last week I missed two days of work because I was sick and so lightheaded. What I didn't realize, was how much I couldn't afford to miss work. I also found out yesterday that since my work is through a Union, they take some money out of every check I get for "union fees" which I am only just now finding out about. But that meant that my check was $100 less than usual, and I was worried. My bf assured me that it would be fine, since he gets paid today. So last night I went to the store and bought some groceries for him and some safe foods for me.... and I alao bought a full tank of gas for him since we need it. But today shit has happened with his car that desprerately needs to be fixed, and of course he has to fix it. But we also owe about $600 for my bank account, $200 to a store because I had to buy some shit for work, and on top of all that, we are still short for rent. My dad keeps telling me to budget my money better, but honestly, all I bought was groceries and gas. What more 'budgeting' can I do? So I'm stressed beyond belief because I thought getting an apartment would make things easier, but I swear shit only gets harder. I just want it all to stop. I want to be able to afford shit and not be broke all the time or feel guilty for buying myself food. Both my dad and my boyfriend tell me to stop stressing and take things one step at a time, which is what I am trying to do. But no matter what, these thoughts and the panic and the stress is always with me. It's been another month now, and it feels like I have accomplished nothing. And that makes me angry.

I just want so much for things to be different and to feel like I am accomplishing something, and yet I feel so fucking powerless in this.

The other day at work my coworker randomly started talking to me about Thanksgiving, asking if I was ready. I said I wasn't and then out of nowhere he said "I think it's sad when kids are molested, especially by ther parents." I don't know where it came from, and of course my coworker doesn't know my story. And although my story isn't like that exactly, it still struck a chord and made me really uncomfortable. I just kind of awkwardly replied and he left. But the feeling of unease is still with me.
It also has to go with the fact that a girl I know recently found this blog on Bloglovin. This is the first time anyone who has known me personally has found my blog. Or at least someone who didn't struggle with any of the same things I have. I don't know how she found it... but she is following me now and I only pray to god that she doesn't judge me or something worse. I have kept my struggles to myself, not even my family knows half of what I have written on this blog. It used to be a safe place for me to vent and let my thoughts out, but now I feel threatened. I tried to delete the blog on Bloglovin, but it wouldn't let me and I have been freaking out about it since.

I am also consistently losing weight. I have reached a new low weight, but I'm still too ashamed to post it. Why? Because I still think I am absolutely huge, wobbly, fat, and disgusting. I don't look my weight at all. Whenever I look at my body, all I see is fat. I see no weight loss at all, which means my scale must be broken. Damn. I mean, just look for yourself, since I'll probably post a picture below to embarass myself more.

I hate being so negative all the time, but this is literally my only place to freely vent my frustrations. I don't even feel like I can properly vent on Insta anymore. If I can get my lazy ass out of bed before the storm hits, I might be able to get some new music today. That's the one thing that would make me happy.

Anyways, I feel like this is really long already so I will update again in another post sometime.

Update and Sick

I've been battling a cold or something as of late. I mean it's been 4 or 5 days now. The first two days weren't so bad, I still had a little bit of an appetite and definitely had energy. But these last couple days have been rough. I had body aches, a fever, a runny nose, a horrible boddy shaking cough and it sucked. I mean, I still have those symptoms now... but I wasn't able to sleep because of the pain. I woke up yesterday morning around 2am crying because it hurt so much. I was taking DayQuil, NightQuil, Sudafed, and Ibuprofeun. But someone mentioned to me that if you take DayQuil and Sudafed together they can make you sicker. So I quit that immediately.
I haven't had an appetite since then either. Right now I am 80-some odd hours into a fast and the longer I go the more I don't want to stop. Along with that though, I also have been losing weight. I'm now close to my LW... and I don't even know what to think.
The first day I called in sick they said I wasn't allowed to because of the snow (it was only like 1-2 in) and I would get written up if I refused to show up. I basically told my manager to fuck off and writr me up if she wants but that I wasn't coming in. Tye day after that I had off so when I went in again they asked how I was feeling, and it wasn't good. They had me work an 8hr ahift anyways, and then on my break I told my manager I wasn't feeling good and she tild me to eat soup. I did, and threw it up because my body didn't like it. So I told her that, and she just kinda didn't even say anything. Like... DUDE. I just threw up in your parking lot and that isn't enough reason to send me home? But then she ended up sending me home with only 1hr left of my shift which pissed me off because if Iw as there for 7hrs, I should have just stayed the other hr. But whatever.
Then I called in the day after that because I literally couldn't get out of bed without blacking out, feeling dizzy and weak, and crying from the pain. So I told them to fuck off again.
I finally went in yesterday because I was feeling better, and the first thing they had me do was something that required a lot of physical effort. I ended up unable to breathe gasping for air and customers kept telling me I looked like I was gonna pass out. So I went and talked to one of my managers and she let ke stay inside for the rest of the day... bt I kean the damage was already done. Work was crazy yesterday because of the Bronco game (they sucked ass) and feeling like I did made it worse.
Today I feel kinda better, but I work from 11-7 and I'm not sure what's in store for me when I go in. I hope they don't do to me what they did yesterday and send me to the parking lot.
On another note, I am thinking of trying to transfer to night shift because then I wouldn't have to deal with the bullshit of my managers.... and I would get paid more than the 8.23-9.13 I get paid now. But I would work from roughly 12-10am or 11am if there's a lot to do. And I would be stocking, so pretty much I would be able to listen to music during my shift and they would tell me what to do and then leave me alone for the rest of my shift. It sounds like a good deal... but the only downside is that when I go to work everyone is going to bed and when they go to work I'm getting off. So I guess it would make me feel kind of isolated.
I have to decide soon though, because my chance to transfer is now. If I don't I miss my chance.

Just A Quick Little Rant

So.... this morning when I woke up and weighed myself I had maintained. So instead of doing the sensible yging and fasting, I kind of went on a binge and purge spree. That was the first time I have ever actually purged so many times like that.

I want to smoke weed but I already hid my pipe since I am at work and I can't smoke again until I'm off. Which is at either 9 or 10.
Work is okay. It looks really busy and even now I am just standing in the corner using the wifi so I can vent out my anxiety. I am so angry at myself and want to hurt but that doesn't get me anywhere. I have to actively deal with this.
I tried to get a rockstar zero and ended up getting the wrong one and I kind of wanted to cry in the middle of the store but I couldn't. I hope I can just work away my frustrations.

I'm struggling.

So I'm writing this post and my phone is at 26%. But hopefully I can get all my words out and down in text before my phone dies because right now is the only time I have internet.

The other night I got home from a stressful day at work and the first thing my dad does is lay into me about how my boyfriend and I need to budget our money better, and how we only gave him $300 for rent. I argued, saying we gave him another $20 but he refused to admit it. It turned into a huge fight where I basically asked my dad if ue wanted me to give him my entire check every time I get one. He took it the wrong way and started saying some shit. I kind of think I may have dissociated because I can't remember what happened exactly, I only remember myself saying certain things.
I explained to my dad that I was making 8.23/hr and that equated to jack shit and he didn't believe me.
At one point I flipped out and went to smoke a cigarette and my dad told me to smoke it inside so he could yell at me. I left and haven't talked to him since.

I lost 3 more lbs in 2 days.... and I plan to lose more. I have tomorrow off and I totally fogot my apartments have a gym. So tomorrow that's what I will spend my day doing. Fatty needs to move. I fasted today and felt really sick at the end of my 4.5 hr shift.
I get my paycheck tomorrow and I honestly want to go buy a gram of weed or something and just smoke. I need to get out of my head.

I still have no drivers liscence which means I rely on my bf to give me rides to work or I walk the 10 miles each way. And now he wants to transfer back to his old job working from 4pm to 1am.... and if he does that I'm fucked. I'm scared to tell him that I don't want him to transfer because I need rides... I'm pathetic.

Also, my boyfriend doesn't know that after the last time he knew I cut about 2 months ago.... I have relapsed twice. The first time I carved 'fat' into my hipbone and I managed to hide it until it healed. The second time was just the other night when I fought with my dad and that cut was deeper than I meant it to be. I am hiding that too.

Tomorrow I plan to take $15 out of my check to pay for laxies so I can finally start losing weight again. Not that it matters. I will always be fat. But I'm spebding the day at the gym too, so maybe I can burn some cals.

As for Piggy, yes! I have blue hair now! I will post a photo if I can find one. I also dyed my hair 'electric lizard' before I went blue. It was brighter than a neon green and was a terrible idea. I think I'm sticking with the blue. Maybe a purple.

OPINIONS? As I mentioned before.. I was posting some photos to Instagram. I want to delete my account without losing my captions... so would anyone read or be bothered if I did?