Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

I had:

1 cup of Cheerios (100)

1/2 cup of fat free milk* (75)

Sugar (30)

Coffee (90)

for breakfast this morning. The milk I mostly poured out, I didn't drink any of it. So my total for breakfast is 220.

More than I'd have liked, but I'll compensate with lunch/dinner.

My weight remains frustratingly the same this morning. So I'm going to try to go for more walks, and try to keep my caloric intake the lowest it can possibly be.

......

220 feels like a lot to have in one meal. It's such a huge number. Two-hundred and twenty calories. Two hundred and twenty little pieces of fat that are going to cement themselves to my body.

How disgusting.

I think I'm gonna take a walk and try to use some amount those calories up.

For lunch I had:

Chicken and rice soup (200)

1/2 a banana (45)

-200 for walking

Total cals today: 465

Net cals: 265

I'm still gonna work on burning more of it off. I'm still disgusting.

Just Thinking

The scale definitely said something I didn't like this morning. Ugh. I knew it was going to, despite the laxies.

It's late afternoon here, an so far I've fasted all day. I've had diet dr. Pepper, coffee, and some water, and no more.

I know I have to lose weight.

I went shopping earlier, and I was thinking about dresses. I've never been much for them, but now I'm starting to want some. :P (kill me before I get too girly here) But I want to be able to wear them and look pretty... Which means losing weight. I've got all kinds of ideas that have to make my weight go down. I've got all weekend to do it, too. Wish me luck!!

I'm finally not sick anymore, which I'm happy about. (: the only symptom that I have is my ear infection, but there's nothing I can do for that. I'm just happy to be off the fucking steroids. They were all kinds of wrong.

I've just got to remember to just keep breathing, despite how much I don't want to. Just more second, just one more minute, just one more day.

April 1st is coming up. If you've followed my blog for at least a year, you'll know what I'm talking about.

My impulses are growing stronger, and I'm feeling slightly less inclined to fight them off. It'd be the perfect date. Sick and twisted, but perfect nonetheless.

-sigh- it's whatever.

Anyways, I hope you're having a good day. Seeya.

Update

Well, I just totaled my cals for the day... And it's not even dinner yet.

I'm regretting seeing that number, so much. I wish I hadn't calculated them, but at the same time I had to know.

I took around 7 laxies, so I really hope I don't gain tomorrow. I'll probably take some more after dinner.

In May, my family is going out of state for my cousins graduation, and they want me to go with. I honestly don't know if I want to.

Here's the pros and cons.

Pro's:

- it'll be fun, and I'll get to see my family.

- it'll be much warmer than it is here.

- it'll be a fun road trip with my family.

- perfect chance to meet hot guys, now that I'm single.. (;

Con's:

- if I go, I have to massively tan before I go. They can't see my scars.

- ill have to get a pair of swimming trunks so that I can hide the majority of my scars.

- Cant wear shorts, must wear leggings or pants

- I'm fat, and I don't want them to see how fat I've gotten.

- Eartng at least 2/3 times a day (my family is made of people who love food and love to eat)

So... Right now there are a lot more cons than there are pros. I've got some tanning lotion though, and I'm going to start using it to see if it helps. Maybe if I start now, 2 months will be good enough. Long enough to at least hide most of my scars. I know that some of the more "purple" ones and the deeper ones won't fade, and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. 

Though about a year ago, my youngest cousin had a go at cutting. I wouldn't have known this, but my family is full of gossipers. So everyone knew he was doing it. They made such a big deal out of it and I know it wasn't helpful to him. But my scars are much worse than his are, and probably in a greater number. I couldn't face them if they saw them, I couldn't imagine how they'd react.

So my options are to either tan them away as much a possible and deal with that loss, or don't go at all. I guess I'll see how much weight I can lose before them too.

Speaking of which, I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I think I'm going to make it a soup- type fast. Like, one day I'll eat chicken noodle soup broth only, and the next day eat just the 190 cals of soup. It's going to be a very restrictive fast, and I've also got to worry about school.

I just wish it was over already.

I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow and start tracking my weightloss. Since I don't have another person to work with, I'm going to just have to compete with myself and use my blog.

So that should be coming up.

It's been kind of nice here, with the sun shining. It would be nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sun, but I'm much too cold for that. I have not been able to stay warm recently. It kind of sucks. But I guess that's just something I'm gonna deal with. I hope this weather stays, and that it doesn't decide to recede into winter again. 

Well, that's pretty much all I've got to update right now. Have a lovely day. Xx

Done.

Fuck life.

Feeling Sick and Restless

Yesterday I was taken to the doctor because we thought I had Strep. I ended up testing negative, so they started thinking it was Mono, but again I tested negative. After a few more tests, I got diagnosed withTonsillitis. So now I'm on antibiotics for the next 4 days.

With that being said, everyone is trying to get me to eat food. Yesterday was kind of a binge.. But somehow I haven't gained. Still in that plateau.

I'm eating significantly less food today. I've had half of a banana and an omelette, a pancake with syrup, and a glass of apple juice. But it's only 9am here and I've been up since 3am. So I've got all day to burn that off, plus probably another 200 cals (I have to eat something for lunch and dinner with my meds, though low cal).. Think I can do it? I can.

I'm gonna be hoping for a loss tomorrow. 

I've got this strange thing going on with my stomach. I'll be standing or sitting somewhere and feel absolutely fine. Then 2 seconds later, without any warning I'll throw up. It sucks, and it happens even if my stomach is empty.

So I've been taking some anti-puke pills and they help a little bit.

I'm enjoying my spring break, for the most part.

I just can't think about school or I'll start panicking

All I want to do is sleep. Either that or go for a run, though that option is kind of out of the question for a while. But it makes me feel fat.

I didn't sleep much last night (only from like 11 to 3am) and then I was up, so I smoked a bunch of weed and when I got back from breakfast, I slept from about 9 to 3. Ugh. Even if my body needed it, I hate it. I'd rather be awake during the day.

I've been feeling suicidal again, and yet again there's nothing I can do except shut down and just be. Not feel, not think. My arms pay the price.

It's a beautiful day outside, but there's nothing to do. At least it feels like Spring a little. It's still only 36 degrees here, though.

I'm gonna try to enjoy it while I can.

I'm addicted to listening to Eminem. I'm not sure why, but I like his music. Anyone else listen to him?

Well, that's really all I've got to say. I hope everyone else has a good day too. 

I want to scream. I want to punch walls.

I want to physically hurt myself in all ways possible.

I kind of want to degrade myself and cause myself the worst amount of pain. I want to hate. I need to hurt.

I need to break myself down until there's nothing left.

I am a monster, not a human.

I don't even know. This is destroying me, and I'm letting it. How much longer will I stand before I fall?

I'm afraid not very long.

It Happened.

So I finally talked to my boyfriend last night. It wa a hard conversation to have, but after talking about a lot of different things.. We broke up.

I knew it was probably going to happen. I was preparing myself for it, but apparently not enough. I layed in bed last night an it took everything I had not to text or call him and take back everything. But I keep trying to make myself believe it is for the best. We agreed on staying friends, but I'm not sure that's even possible.

How do you go from loving someone to "just being friends"? Even so, I don't want to lose him, not after everything we've been through together.

But I'm okay with knowing that why I did is for his benefit as well as mine. We both deserve to be happy. But 3 years is a long ass time.

No work got done yesterday, and then I was going to wake up early this morning to do it... But that failed too. Then I had about a half hour before my first class this morning, and I didn't get anything done there either. I have 3 days left before I can forget about it all for a while. Why is it so hard?

My mom got some mushrooms for her birthday which is on Sunday. She wants me to spend it with her and tripp. So that should make for an interesting weekend.

I have 3 classes today, and I'm not excited about any of them. I just want it all to be over, and tomorrow too, and Fiday. I want to not stress out so much.  But j can't slack off for these three days. So I'm going to try to shit my mind off as much as possible and just get through these days.

Restless Procrastination

I've taken somewhere around 14 laxatives so far today, but it still doesn't feel like enough. I'm visibly shaking, but I'm not hungry. That to me is the equivalent of failure.. How could I not be hungry?

I've been trying to work on schoolwork all afternoon, but I haven't gotten very far. I can't concentrate very well, and I can feel the swell of anticipation as it nears 6:30 here. Hopefully I'll have some answers.
I've spent all day inside, pretty much. Does that make anyone else restless?
But there's really nothing I can allow myself to do, seeing as I've got a ton of schoolwork to be done and it simply isn't getting done.

So far today I've had 490 cals. Which consisted of half a burrito (which my body rejected thanks to laxies) and a little bit of soda, to try to calm my stomach. Hopefully that doesn't make me gain tomorrow. It'd be really nice if I could weigh in 2.5+ lbs lower tomorrow. All I can do is hope though.

All I want to do is sleep. I haven't got any weed to calm my raging thoughts, so I just want to sleep and let the world fade away for a long while. But I can't let myself sleep until all of my schoolwork is done, and there's more than I remember having.
I can't wait until I'm out of school and can walk away from it knowing I never have to return to it. I know there's college and all, but I'm still unsure about my future there, so I'm avoiding thinking about it.

I don't know how to get rid of this restlessness. I've been procrastinating my schoolwork all day, and I think the stress from that is what's causing it. But when you have to write 4 - 5 short essays, it's easy to procrastinate.
But I need to get it done.
So I'm gonna go figure shit out with my boyfriend (assuming that's at all possible) and then it's back to schoolwork. Wish me luck?

Question?

Last night I took around 4 laxies, expecting them to kick in around 2 - 6am this morning. They kicked in between 6 and 7am instead, and I ended up telling my family I was sick and throwing up so I could stay home.
Since then, I've been taking about 3 laxatives every hour. So far I'm at 8 and it's just past noon. I'm not planning on eating anything either. After seeing my weight this morning, eating anything is out of the question.

I'm still unsure of things with my boyfriend, but I'm trying to find a way to talk to him and figure things out. Our communication isn't great, which is one of the reasons we're probably breaking up.
I've got a question for anyone reading this and willing to answer. Answers would be greatly appreciated. So here it is: How would you define a whore/skank/cheater/slut/etc? I know those aren't exactly the same thing, but any answers would be appreciated.

I'm ready for spring. It's only 2 days away, yet it's snowing here. It's snowed a lot this past Winter, and I'm quite ready for it to be over. I mean, there's 3 days until Spring Break! How could it possibly be snowing? Haha.
Anyways, that's my thought processes today; nothing too interesting. I hope everyone has a good day.

My Mountains

I've lived here my entire life, and if I ever lived anywhere else... I wouldn't know what to do. I think it's absolutely beautiful.

I took a trip with my aunt up to the mountains this weekend, and here is the view that I could see. Although it was cold, it was absolutely beautiful.

I wonder what others who don't live here think of it. Do they see the same beauty? I've lived in the city my entire life. But I've known people who have lived in the mountains, and I can't help but think what a different life that must be. Not in a bad way.

I was so happy I got to take this trip with them, because I really don't get to go up there enough. I love it every time I go though. And even seeing the city from the mountain point of view, it's crazy. It's so different, and I'm so happy that I get to live here.

One Step Forward...

Two steps back.

Yesterday wasn't a great food day.. And I took somewhere around 8 laxies in the evening. They didn't kick in.

So for breakfast I ate half of a potato, tomato, egg, and cheese burrito (around 160). Took 2 laxies.

Then I had lunch with my aunts which was 2 chicken tenders with a few French fries. (Guessing 300). Took 2 more laxies. Thought about it and took 8 more.

I had 330 cals in liquids, and 190 in Pringles. Took 4 more laxies, because they still hadn't kicked in.

Had dinner and had to eat too much, and now I'm debating taking 8 more laxies.

Total cals for the day = Too many

Total laxies = 24

Still not enough.

Tomorrow I'm fasting, for at least 4 days. I'm also going back to vegetarianism with a few vegan tendencies. I felt better that way. Laxies are kicking in slowly, and I'm gonna keep taking them until I'm empty.

In May my family wants me to go on a trip with them to visit family. But as it will be summer and they have a more humid climate, I won't be able to wear hoodies. They don't know about my self harm or even my scars. So I'm nervous to go and wondering if I'll have time to tab enough to hide them. Stupid stress.

I cut a few different times today. It's almost like I have to do it more and deeper these days just to feel okay. I'm still waiting to hit rock bottom, but I might as well enjoy the view in the way down. So that's what I'm doing.

Just an update. I'll weigh tomorrow even though I know I shouldn't. I hope it isn't too bad.

Moving Forward

So it seems like I'm on a roll here.

There was fucking up with A, who won't speak to me now. I've tried several times and gotten basically no response.

Then there's another guy, C, that my roommate is trying to set me up with. The only thing is.. I'm not interested. If anything, he and I will just be friends. But I'm not even sure that's a possibility right now. I met him for the first time yesterday, and I suppose it went alright.  Not too sure what to make of him though.

I'm trying to talk to my boyfriend, but so far that's just not happening very well. The thing is.. I liked being able to have some fun, however wrong it may have been under the circumstances. I don't necessarily regret what I did, just how I went about doing it. I've realized the reality of this long distance relationship. It's had positive sides, but it has had negatives too. But essentially it all comes down to what I need. I need someone here, who I can actually be with and see. Right now, I don't have that.

So next chance I get to talk to him, hopefully I'll able to figure this out.

I'm starting to get really tired of hiding all the time. Hiding my scars, hiding my pain. I was in a t-shirt yesterday and my roommate saw my lower forearms. She made some comment to the effect of "I hope you're not doing that anymore." I said I wasn't. I lied and told her that it had been 7 months to a year since the last time I cut or burned. But it hasn't. She mentioned how she has seen my upper arms, which is where the deeper scars are. Usually I'm always in a hoodie and hiding me. When I sleep is the only time I don't think about hiding them. But she said she was in my room while I was sleeping and saw them, and I freaked. For one, I have a phobia about people being in my room while I'm asleep, but also because my roommate has some sir of fascination with my self harm. When I first did the deep one on my thigh, she wanted to see it. While it headed, she wanted to know everything about it. The ones on my arms, she wants to see. Which makes me really uncomfortable. They're my cuts for me.. As stupid as that may sound. But I always have to hide them because they make everyone else uncomfortable. They act like they're afraid of me. And that just makes it worse.

My dad also admitted yesterday to going in my room while I wasn't there. I have some serious privacy issues, because that was the one place I shouldn't have to hide everything about myself. But apparently, now I do.

Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset?

I'm ready for the weekend. I currently haven't got plans, though I'm trying to make some. But I'm also going to rest for a little while I can before next week. It's hell week, since it's right before spring break. I'm slightly excited for spring break, though I haven't got plans for that either. No definite ones, at least. I'm probably the most boring teenager ever.. I don't do really anything.

I'll have to try to fix that. (:

I don't know what my weight is. I'm right on the boarder between two different chunks of weight, and I can't seem to he past it. So I'm gonna give IF a shot, seeing it can help. I just need to lose around 4 lbs with IF and then it should creak my plateau. Wish me luck?

Have any of you (if you're reading this) hear if the song Pompeii by Bastille? The first time I listened to it, I didn't think much of it. Then heard it again, and now I'm addicted to it. I can't stop playing it on my iPod.

But I always need new music, so if you have any good songs, leave me a comment? It'd be greatly appreciated. (:

Anyways, that's my long-ish update for now. It turned into a little bit of a rant, but if you managed to read through all of that, I give props to you.

I need to remember this!! ^^

....

I messed up. Kinda sorta really bad.

I messed up in more ways than one, and I know I should feel worse than I do.

I've sunk to being just that low of a person, and I'm undeserving of every good thing in my life. The one person I've told about it basically told me what I already know.

But I can't do it. As much as I know I need to do it, I'm more inclined to hide it. Forget it ever happened, and never say a word. I could do it too...

I know how distrustful I am.

I'm manipulative.

I'm a bitch.

I'm not worthy of what I have anymore.

But I feel almost nothing. I say almost, because I'm fucked up in ways beyond my years. I feel everything.. Anger. Guilt. Panic. Hate. Shame. More guilt.

But I feel nothing at the same time. Nothing I'm supposed to feel... Remorse. A want to make it right. To lose them because of my actions, as I deserve to do.

No.. I'm apparently not that good of a person anymore. I've sunk way lower... But still I feel nothing.

Undeserving

Fuck me. I'm so fucking fat. And I ate Chinese food tonight. I didn't deserve that, but I did it anyways. I'm so gonna gain.

 "Too big for me"...

Well fuck you , too! There goes my self esteem. 

I want to cut , so much. I've cut my arms, but it's not enough. I need to cut more. But I know that no matter how much I cut, it will never be enough.

I feel sick to my stomach. I wish I had something to make it all fade away. Yes, I'm talking about drugs and alcohol. But I don't. I have to do this on my own.

I'm trying not to freak out and have a panic attack. What I ate doesn't feel like 375 cals. And my laxies aren't working. So I guess I'll take more.

It's time to stop thinking.

Peace out.

Update

Heya.

It snowed yesterday, and rained for a little while. I wish the rain would've stayed around longer.

I absolutely love the rain. Everything about it. It's so simple, yet it has the power to make me so happy.

Someday I'll take a roadtrip and find several rainy places to go. I'll camp outside, and just enjoy it.

Someday.

The essay that I had to write? I stayed up until 3am and handed it in. Not even an hour after that, he handed it back and told me he wouldn't even grade it because everything about it was wrong. He gave me until Monday to redo it, which actually translates into Sunday from 1pm-ish on. Fuck that.

I'm not stressing this weekend. Yesterday was a good day mentally and emotionally although I ate more than I wanted to. Today will be too. Tomorrow I'll worry about my schoolwork, and myself. Everything that usually gives me anxiety.

I saw my mom today. We're so close to getting everything just so that it's perfect. Freedom. But I still have to wait.

Spring break for me is in about 2 weeks. Depending on whether I can get a car and my liscense by then or not, I might be taking a trip to Florida for a bit to visit family and a friend. I am starting to doubt it. I'm not prepared for that at all. But we'll see.

Other than that, I haven't really got much to say. Life is pretty okay this weekend and I'm gonna enjoy it before it's back to school. (:

Fuck School/Graduation

I'm so over school. I just don't think I can take much more of this stress, and the hard part hasn't even come yet.

I was failing AP Lit and I went and talked to my teacher, and he basically gave me until the end of today to turn everything in. He assigned two essays that were due yesterday, huge assignments. I wasn't done, and he gave me a slight extension.

I was up until 3am this morning writing my essay, and I was hoping to at least get partial credit. About an hour after I turned it in, he handed it back and told me he wouldn't even grade it because everything about it was incorrect, and it basically sucked.

So that was all for nothing.

I'm quite a bit crushed right now... I can't believe it.

I was hoping to enjoy my weekend, and I suppose I still will try. But having that hang over my head is definitely not going to be possible to ignore.

I have so much work in school right now that there just isn't enough time to do it all. How can they expect us students to complete it all?

My weight is pretty much staying the same, but I'm planning to fast from 9am today to the end of Sunday. If I do well on this essay and my assignments for that class, only then will I be allowed to rest and eat.

I feel like I talk about school a lot here, and I don't like it. But school is literally my life right now. It's pretty much the cause of all of my stress, all of my thoughts, everything.

I have a little less than 2 1/2 months until my graduation. That scares the shit out of me. But all I can do is accept it and graduate. I will be the first person in my family to graduate high school.

That's a tripp. How is that possible?

Anyways, that's just an overview of my life right now.. I need the weekend to come, but at the same time I don't want it to.

Spring Is Coming!

It's been sunny and warm here, for the most part. At least during the day. I love it! I can feel Spring coming, and it makes me super excited.

This TCAP testing is messing with my schedule, and it's kind of crazy. But next Tuesday I have no school (Thanks to TC(r)AP. So I'm pretty psyched.

My weight has been going down, though by how much I'm not sure. Last I weighed was 161 (partially dressed) and I was bloated. So I know I'm in the 150's. Which I'm happy about. I just want this fucking bloating to stop...
Whoever said laxatives don't aid in weightloss is wrong, because I'm pretty sure that's the only way I've been losing weight. But hey! I'll take it. A loss is a loss.

Anyways, I just wanted to update here.. As I haven't in a few days. I had a high-calorie lunch, and took 6 laxies. It's been almost 5 hours and they still haven't kicked in. I'm debating whether or not to eat dinner and take more laxies... I need to feel empty again.

I hate how everything feels unstable right now, and like if I take one wrong step I'm done for. Life isn't supposed to be like that, or maybe it is. What the hell do I know? But I guess if I can't enjoy it, I can at least grin and bear it - until I figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. We'll see how well that works out.

I hope everyone reading this has a groovy kind of day! (; Appreciate the small things and try not to stress so much.

New Week, New Start

This has been a really lazy weekend for me, and this week will be pretty lazy as well.

I have standardized testing for the underclassmen at my school, so for most days my classes don't start until around noon. Which I think will be nice. Or so I'm hoping.

Maybe I'll be able to exercise, and it will at least help me fast a bit. I want to fast as much as possible.

Today my family has been really irritating. They want to make conversation but I don't want to talk. I want to just be left alone and be silent. I know I'm slipping back into my depression, but I don't want to pull myself out. It's easier to just live with the misery right now.

I want to get out of my house and go somewhere or do something, but I don't know what there really is to do. I'm avoiding schoolwork as much as I can until the last possible moment I have to do it.

I'll be going home here soon, and then there's some cleaning I know I have to do. I don't mind that so much, since it's mostly mindless work.

I had a little bit of lunch with my grandparents, and took around 6 laxies afterwards. I hope I don't gain.

I just want to say thank you to Katie Elizabeth here on blogger. She's been such a great support to me, even in my dark times. She always leaves kind words on my posts and makes me smile. She's there to talk to when I need a friend, and I'm grateful for that. So thank you. Xx

   ^^ She alway comes to lay with me when I'm having a hard day. It's so sweet.

I hope everyone reading this has a good week, because you deserve it. 

Fear Controls Me

I'm scared to sleep, scared of what I might find there. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to fall into sleep and away from reality.

It's almost 1 am here, and I know I should be sleeping but I can't. The laxies I took earlier should kick in here soon. I really hope so.

I weighed myself earlier. (Almost fully dressed) and the scale said 165. I weighed again just a little bit ago, and the scale said 164.5. So my weight is dropping, but I'm also bloated and had extra weight added so I'm not stressing too much. But I just want my fucking period over with.

I feel purposeless, and that's probably the worst feeling ever because where do you go from here? What do you do? I don't know.

I have a stupid cold combined with allergies and I think it's starting to make my tonsils swell up again. This scares me because both times I've had it happen before I was almost rushed to the ER because my throat was closing and I couldn't breathe. I really don't want it to happen again, but there's not much more ican do that I'm not already doing. I guess hope. I just have to hope the swelling goes down.

I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out about everything. Having someone to talk to right now would be amazing, but normal people are asleep. Can't blame them.. I would be too.

So I'm on my own.

Wish me luck.

Whatever.

I'm so scared of the future.

Not necessarily of tomorrow, or the day after. I'm afraid of next year and beyond.

Scared of growing up, but also more than that.

I'm scared of changing as I know I will. I'm scared of what that means.

It's not just a slight fear, though. Thinking about even the smallest part of it gives me panic attacks. Makes me want to run and hide.

... Makes me even more sure that I won't be around for it to happen.

I cut again to tonight. I've missed it, and I can't deny that it felt good.. But it's not enough. It's never enough.

Nothing is ever enough, and quite frankly I'm just fucking done. Nothing ever changes, and it never will. This is all ill ever be until the day I die. Which might not be so far away.

I'd say I'm sorry... But I'm simply just done feeling. I don't want to care anymore, and I don't want to exist.

I'm done.

Saturday Yet Again

I've not done a lot today. But I'm trying to be okay with that.

I haven't eaten much either. I had 1 cheezeit cracker, and a couple of chocolate chip cookies (the mini kind) toget the rest of the laxies out of my system and now, I'm gloriously empty.

I'm kind of sick right now, so I don't feel like doing much except laying around. I did go for a walk though.

There was this guy in a wheelchair that came up to me while I was walking  and started saying some really creepy stuff. I basically told him that I can't help him and made up an excuse to leave, but he was still really creepy.

I didn't feel like he was gonna hurt me though.

 I'm not weighing myself because I'm on my period and I know the number will just be high. So once my period is over, I'll see where I stand.

I wish I could just cease to have my period. I know that means I'd be infertile, but I honestly don't care. I don't want my own kids anyways.

I've been kind of sad today, but I'm trying to hide it and push it away as much a I can. Later tonight ill deal with it when nobody else is around.

That's pretty much all I've got to say for now, I'll update more later maybe. I hope everyone is having a better weekend than I am.