Well Done.

Tomorrow is the last day of November.
What have I accomplished?
My goal was to make 145 for the month...  and I weigh in tomorrow... Hoping for the best.
I didn't totally binge on Thanksgiving, so I am proud of myself for that.

Oh, and in a rare moment of positivity - I managed to get TWO job interviews scheduled today. The first is later today at 3, and the second is Monday. Wish me luck!
I have been abusing laxatives again. I know that I shouldn't, but I miss the shaky lightheaded feeling I used to get from them. It's the only concrete proof that I have that my body is starving and getting smaller. My boyfriend doesn't know, and last time he asked about them I told him that I threw them out. I will do what has be done, regardless of what happens to my body.

Spent most of today feeling really sick with flu like symptoms, so at least I didn't have to eat much. I hope I feel better tomorrow, though. I have been shivering all day like I can't get warm, even though my heater is at 85 degrees. Absolutely crazy.

I haven't been to visit my brother in weeks. I miss him dearly. Tomorrow I will be going though, assuming everything goes as planned. If I don't make it tomorrow, I know I am going to absolutely hate myself. I NEED to see him.

ANYWAYS, I will update in the morning with my weight and December goals.

Sometimes it's hard to know if anyone cares.
If I matter to anyone.
Sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort to try to keep people around when they don't seem to put forth the effort either.
I can't stand myself today.
I can't stand how pathetic I am for thinking these thoughts. Even though I should know otherwise.

Sometimes it's impossible to remember why I shouldn't do the self destructive things that are always on my mind.
I begged him not to go.
Knowing we need the money, but unable to explain why I need him more.
He looked at me with nothing but love in his eyes when he said he had to.
I wish it was enough. But without his pesence to dull the ache, it's almost impossible to resist.
My mind plans out ways to hide it from him.
Whispers to me how much better I would feel if I gave in.. just this once.
And I know it would stop the voices, stop the guilt, stop the desperate need for escape.
But what would it cost me?
Would he still love me if he found out?
Ot would I finish only to feel more guilt and anxiety because I couldn't cut deep enough?

Another day is wasted.
Spent surviving instead of living.
Spent hurting instead of loving.
Spent in denial rather than facing up to what I have done.

But it isn't like I don't know.
It never goes away.
The lying.
The stealing.
The guilt.
The hatred.
Another day passing by.
But I can't let myself think about it too much.
Or the fragile glue holding me together
Will shatter..
And there will be nothing left of me.

Anything?

What am I waiting for?
I accomplished nothing today
Like I am not even human.

I put more energy into my eating disorder
Than I do into finding a job.
Why?
I would rather starve my feelings and
Pretend
That none of this is happening
Than face up to my mistakes
And fix them.

I would rather live in denial
Than live in reality.
I would rather stay angry
Than let myself feel the emotions
That I starve away.

I would rather lie about that burn
On my arm
Than admit that I wasn't strong enough.
That I am not good enough.
I would rather live with my depression
Than admit that I need help
And can't do this on my own.

And though I know the price of this denial
Is high,
I cling to it
Because it's easier to pretend that
Everything isn't falling apart
Than truly accept that I wasn't strong enough
To hold it together.

Not Today

I feel really lost today.
I don't want to function, I don't want to breathe, and I don't want to have to carry around this body.
I have been extremely bitchy. To my grandparents, and to my boyfriend. I just want to be left alone
But then I feel too alone.

My grandpa was nice enough to buy my boyfriend two tires since his were about to pop, and they had wire showing through. At least now we won't have to worry so much about them popping. They've spent the day installing them, and I have spent the day doing... NOTHING.

Why is it so hard for me to accept help? Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to be mean?
Nothing has changed. I applied for two jobs and am waiting to hear back from them. I have a record of all the money I owe people, and I see it every day. I record my weight, and like today, when it goes up, my depression does too.
Why am I even trying?
I will never be skinny. I will never reach my goals.

My grandpa called me chunky yesterday,and my grandma commented that I "eat too much". My boyfriend thinks it's stupid to let these things bother me so much... but I can't help it.
I will starve and eat none of their food until I am so skinny they are begging me to eat.

And this is why I am going to hell.

I Fucked Up

I weighed this morning and got the highest number I have seen in a while. It really triggered me, and then I ended up eating more t high an I should have.
I don't even have any excuses.

I fucked up.
Like the worthless failure I am.

I want to sh so bad tonight... not sure how to full my boyfriend that I need him... so I guess I am on my own.

Again.

Questions

Can I just start over?
Erase the life I have now.
Forget every place I have ever been,
Every person I have met (aside from my bf)
Every thing that I have done?
Is it too late?

Have I gone too far to be forgiven,
To actually be a decent person?
So much guilt,
And I just wish it would all go away.
I want to start over.
But if I can't confess my regret
To other people,
How can I right the wrongs that I have made?
How can anyone love me?
They might love what they see
On the outside,
But if they really knew what was on the
Inside,
Would they still see me?
Am I still there -
The kind, honest girl I used to be?
Or have I grown out of that naievity?
Is she only in my memories,
Or is she out there
Somewhere?

Can I undo this?

Argh

Sometimes I can't believe that I am stuck in this body. I can't believe that I was chosen to live this life,
Sometimes I don't want it.
My anxiety and anger and hatred just build and build.
The way my stomach sticks out over my jeans.
The way I feel like a fucking muffin, because my pants don't stay over my hips.
The sadness and disgust I feel when I ruin yet another pair of pants because I am too fat.
These are my constant feelings. These are the resons I get to upset.
I wish I could unzip my skin and just disappear.
I feel like everything is falling apart and like it is all my fault.
And I hate myself even more.
What did I do to deserve this?
I guess I just exist.

Nonsense

Today is Friday. Where did the week go? What did I do with this week?
Nothing.
I haven't been putting forth the greatest amount of effort lately, and my depression is kind of winning. I am letting it.
I hardly sleep anymore; right now it is nearly 4am and I am still awake, and last night I was up until 7am this morning before finally falling asleep.
I don't feel like I can let my body rest.
No matter how tired it gets.
I am afraid to weigh, because I am finding it hard to do ABC. Everything feels like too much.
I feel like a glass masterpiece that wasn't made strong enough.. and at the slightest whisper I could break.
And of course I tell nobody, pretending as if I am just fine. To be honest, I am afrad to confide in my boyfriend because I don't think he could understand and I doubt he would believe me anyways.
How do you explain to someone that you would rather focus on killing yourself than face what is waiting for you in reality?.
I am weak. I am pathetic. I am unworthy.
I texted a friend and said "I don't deserve to eat" and my bf saw that message. His reponse was kind of mocking, but definitely triggering. A lot of the things he says now are triggering but I don't think he is even aware that he is doing it.
I have to become fragile and skinny. I have to prove this to myself.

I have a job interview today, later. Not sure if I should be excited or not, since I have been mostly running into walls searching for jobs recently. I am kind of losing hope. I just want to leave this state. Go ANYWHERE else.

I am thinking of taking a hiatus, from smoking weed but also quit smoking cigarettes. So far that isn't working well. But I am trying. I feel like maybe it would help me lose weight, but I am also not b prepared for the weight gain OR facing my past trauma. I keep making excuses to get out of quitting, but I need to stop.
I don't know how to cope.

ABC Accountability

So I suppose I will be starting an accountability thread type thing for ABC. But the OCD part of my mind wants to make it organized. So I think I will make a page of it.
Along with that, I am gonna be color-coding the days. In essence, it would look kind of like this...
Under my calorie limit: yellow
Over my calories but still salvagable: orange
Fucked up: red

For each of the days, about 50 in total. That way, if nobody wants to follow that, they don't have to.

I will write a proper update very soon. Wish me luck. Xx