Untitled

First I want to say that I'm typing this on my phone and therefore I apologize if there are any mistakes. Bear with me.

So my boyfriend and I were staying with two of his friends (M and C) at their apartment. On the 15th of August we paid them $1000 in cash, since I don't have checks and only my card, to move in. That's $500 for rent, $500 deposit. They started having issues with us and i'm still not really sure what about. My boyfriend accidentally spilt a soda on their carpet, and we tried to clean it up as best as possible although we didn't have a carpet cleaner. But I guess also part of it was tracking in grease from our jobs. Essentially, nothing too damaging, and all could have been fixed with a carpet cleaner. The final day we were there, I was working but my boyfriend's was there with his friend J. The one that came on to me and insulted me greatly before I actually got with my boyfriend.
Both of us knew that M and C didn't allow smoking inside. So we smoked outside. I guess J hit his e-cigarette inside and left some kind of ash on the table, which started an argument when M got home. J had to leave, and the fight turned to M saying that my boyfriend and I don't clean up after ourselves.
I will admit, that morning my boyfriend left to go take care of his warrants and I was running late to work. So I left our blankets on the floor and whatnot and left to walk the 22 blocks to work. I figured my boyfriend would get back from taking care of his shit and clean it up since he had the day off and I was running late to work. But otherwise neither my boyfriend or I had much stuff there. So then I guess M told my boyfriend to get out, so he grabbed some stuff and left. Out of the $1000 we originally gave them, M gave my bf $100 to go take care of his fine, and said he would give us $450 back but was keeping the deposit for the carpets. Then after some more bullshit, he changed his mind and said that he wasn't giving any of it back and wouldn't even give us a chance to clean the carpets.
My boyfriend went there to get the rest of our shit and got a little loud. He later told me that M called the cops on him for being beligerant and that only ended up bring a waste of time.
So we are now homeless, out $1000, and it's so dumb. We spent two days at my mom's just so we would have somewhere to sleep, but tonight she isn't letting us stay there. I went around looking for an apartment that my boyfriend and I could rent and basically got told that it is impossible because neither of us have credit, and you're required to make a minimum salary a year, which we don't meet. We would need to find a cosigner, which is basically someone who makes the salary and is consenting to pay the rent should we fail to. But we haven't found anyone. Funny how my family wouldn't step up here, right? It isn't like they would have to pay anything, it is just a guarentee that the rent will be paid. But between me and my boyfriend, we make more than enough to cover rent - we just don't meet the salary requirement.

In terms of getting our money back from his friends, I was told the only option I had was to sue them, though I later found out that because we didn't sign any agreement to make it legal, there isn't any proof that we paid them and therefore going to court would only be a waste of more money that we don't have.

I was over at my grandparents the other day and they basically tried to convince me to move in somewhere alone and have my boyfriend move in somewhere else. I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. I need him, like I need oxygen to breathe. I would rather be homeless and with him, than anywhere without him. But they can't seem to understand that.

I stayed at my mom's for two nights, while my boyfriend talked to our boss (and his friend) about cosigning on an apartment for us. He eventually said no, and since we can't go to my mom's again tonight, we are trying to get him to help us get a hotel room for a day or two since you have to be 21.

It feels like everywhere I look there are age restrictions and shit that only further prevents me from living my life. Why is it so hard? I just want somewhere to live, with my boyfriend. Is that so much to ask?

It's almost 9pm here, and I still don't know if we are going to be able to get that hotel room tonight. I fucking hate being homeless. It is fucking with me mentally, a lot more than I would like to admit to my boyfriend. I am gonna cut, it's just a matter of when.

--

It had taken me a few days to write this post, as my mental state isn't the best right now. I did not find a hotel that night, though a few days ago I got a hotel for 2 nights.

A new hire will be coming to the restaurant that I work at, and will be hired on full time. WTF?! I need more hours, and so does another of my co-workers. But our boss said before that he didn't have the money to pay for labor above a certain amount because he is opening up a new restaurant this week. So if he is hiring another person, when he already has people that need more hours on his staff, then I guess I'm to find another job.
I'm incredibly fucjing hummed about that because working where I do now, I don't consider it a job. I love working there.
You know the saying "If you love the job you're doing, you will never work a day in your life." ?
This is the perfect example of that. I love my job, and goddammit I don't want another one!

I stayed at my mom's for another two nights, as much as she didn't want me there.
I still haven't found somewhere to live and I have tried finding roommates or even simply people renting a room but haven't realky found anything.
I guess if it comes down to it, there is always Walmart. Or camping. (bad joke...)

For now though, I have to pay $120 for a hotel for two more nights and then it's just to wait to get paid again next week... I fucking hate being homeless..

I get told often that I see too many of the "negatives" in a situation and not enough "positives". I believe that I am a pessimist at heart and that is why I try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible.
No wonder I'm impossible to love.

For the first time in too long, I have fasted today. I have only had 2 Monster energy drinks (25) and a little bit of Mtn. Dew when I get dizzy (170). All liquids, which I am happy with. And it remains under 200 calories, so I am safe.
My boyfriend offered me french fries earlier and I said no. So, he threw them away. I don't know why, but that bothered me a lot. I was happy to have not eaten them, but I felt bothered when he threw them away. I hate the idea of wasted food, I always have. Usually I, just make someone eat it so it doesn't go to waste.

My random thought for the day: I wonder if weed has calories? Probably not, but maybe?

Anyways, that's enough to say for now. More than enough, actually...

Ranting/Venting

This morning was stressful. I woke up at about 5am from a nightmare. My boyfriend is getting tired of it, I think. Because I am so about leaving the past in the past, but unfortunately for me this is something I can't seem to leave. I didn't want it to follow me here, but it did.
I never really got back to sleep after that, as per usual. When we finally got up at about 9, one of the first things he told me while I was smoking my morning cigarette was that one of our roommates had accused me of, essentially, snooping. I didn't really know what to say, and I still don't. I just told my boyfriend that I wasn't like that, and he said that's what he had told her as well.
But really, she had to mention it to her boyfriend, who mentioned it to my boyfriend, who then mentioned it to me. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? I thought I finally grew out of elementary school bullshit when I dropped out of high school. But I guess not.
Was I wrong to be upset? I still kind of am, because I can admit, as a kid I was that kind of person. I snuck around in almost everything that I did, and eventually I changed everything about who that was. I am not like that anymore, and I never care to go back. I guess it only matters that I know I wasn't snooping in their room. But I guess it still hurts because do they really think of me like that? I already thought that they didn't like me and didn't want me in their apartment... But I guess that just kind of proves it?
My boyfriends car had to be left at work last night and when we went to go get it, her boyfriend came with us. My boyfriend and him started talking and eventually my boyfriend told him that an "ex" of mine (we were never together, we were pretty much just fuck buddies during a really dark time in my life) took advantage of me in the past and that he wanted to go kick this guy's ass. I understand that he didn't really say too much that was revealing, but I feel like now he is going to look at me weird because I am "that girl". The one who can be taken advantage of. I guess because of my past and the sexual abuse, I just feel like it's branded into me and that anyone who sees me know knows. It's so stupid, but I guess that's my life.
So needless to say, I was upset.

My boyfriend also has a problem with my ex's because I guess he has been cheated on in the past. So have I. I know how that feels, and therefore I would never even consider it in the first place. But even if an ex of mine messages me because at one point we may have been friends after our breakup, he doesn't seem to see that I have no interest in them. I guess part of it could be that once you are cheated on, you're always going to be wary of being cheated on again, but it's a trust thing. He has to trust me enough to let me show him that I won't cheat on him. Because actions speak louder than words, so he has to give me time. I don't know what else I can say that will show him that I love him and that he is the one I want to be with. So then I get insecure and it just turns into a fight.

Eventually I told my boyfriend what was up and we kind of worked it out, but I still can't really let it go.
I'm just uncomfortable now around them now. I don't want to look them in the eyes, and I want to spend as little time around them as possible. Which would probably make me seem more antisocial, but I don't know what else to do.

I'm way too insecure. Every little thing turns into something in my head, and though I don't voice the majority of it to him. But it is taking it's toll on me. I want to fight for him, but I just don't know how to make this work. I don't want to cause any issues with his friends, because I want them to like me. I know he would choose them over me, just because he has known them longer and I'm just a girl. So therefore I don't want to make him choose.

I guess the one positive note I have for today is that I realized something. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have more bad days than good and I didn't think it would ever be the other way around. But somehow, without ever realizing it was happening, I started to have more good days than bad. Sure, I have bad moments in the day and I have a lot of internal shitstorms, but overall I'm happy. And happy isn't something I thought I could be.
I've also become somewhat of a better person since meeting my boyfriend. I stopped doing Meth, along with other drugs. I didn't want to stop, but I wanted him more and I stopped without realizing it. I stopped cutting for the most part, though that is still a struggle. I at least cut a hell of a lot less than I want to, because of him.
I'm happy.
And that's why I would do anything it took to keep him. This isn't like all the other "relationships" I had. This one actually counts. I want to fight for him if that's what it takes more than I have ever wanted to fight for anyone... Ever. What makes such a thing possible with him, I don't know. But I only know that I honestly can't picture myself without him.
And hopefully I never have to.

I still have more to write, but the rest will have to wait until tomorrow because I'm pretty fucking tired and have to work all day tomorrow. 11 to 9, wee. Only 10 hours from now, and there is shit to be done before then as well.

Well.

I had a bagel for breakfast, along with some ramen around 1am this morning. So that totals up to 560 calories.
I had intended to go to the gym before I went to work today, however I realized just how little time I actually had and therefore can't do that. But as I will be walking the 3 miles from my house to work, that should burn around 100 cals (maybe) and then the 6 hours I spend standing at work should help out as well. So I would estimate burning about 150 -200 cals doing that.
So my total intake for the day would be 360 cals. When I get home, if I am not too tired I know I will find some other form of exercise that I can do.

Still don't know my weight. I know that I should weigh myself, but I just can't make myself face the music. If today goes well though, I'll weigh in tomorrow. If it doesn't, then I guess it's just to try again tomorrow and weigh the next day.

I am so not looking forward to work, considering how the last day I worked went. I hate my coworkers. They are lazy fucking people and I hate them. But it's just to smile and pretend that they're fucking geniuses I guess. Until I can find another job.
Once my boyfriend pays off his warrant, he is going to get another job. Which I don't know how I feel about because I understand why he wants to get another job but at the same time I don't know who I would be working there if he wasn't there as well. If that makes any sense.

Just too many thoughts that I don't know what to do with and sometimes I feel like it's so hard to talk to my boyfriend because I don't want him to leave me because I'm that "insecure clingy girlfriend". I'm just gonna put in my headphones today and blast my music so I don't have to listen to my thoughts... at least until I go to work.

Emotional Purge

I can't stop what feels like a downward spiral. I'm beginning to hate myself to the point of violence... again. Last time it happened I got so fed up with myself after months and months of it that I attempted suicide... This time, it's not quite that simple.
But when I snap, what will I do?
Will I remember?

My boyfriend wants me to completely give up cutting. I tried, before. I still got the incredible urges, and I couldn't always say no. But I self harmed in other ways that weren't so obvious and noticeable. But about a week ago, I gave in and I ended up making a few shallow cuts on my arm. My boyfriend knows, and I haven't cut since, though I want to. I want to so much.
At the place I am living now, our roommates (I guess you could call them that?) don't know about that. I have worn shorts a few times and before there were fresh cuts on my arms I would wear tank tops. Which, sure they would see my scars but they couldn't really judge me for that. Because as far as they knew I wasn't doing that anymore. But since I have put fresh ones there, I have made an effort not to wear anything that would show them. The other night I spaced at for a second and took my hoodie off while I was wearing a tank top and one of the roommates gave me such a look. She kept staring from my face to my arm, and I kept trying to turn away from her and grab my jacket at the same time so that I could put it back on. But the fact remains that now she knows... and I can only imagine what they think of me now. They probably don't want a freak like me in their house anymore but just don't want to say anything to me.
I just want to cut more.

Every time I see my cuts since they happened, I just want to cut more because I think I'm pathetic. I know that cutting is still cutting, no matter how shallow or deep the cut. But in my own fucked up twisted logic of hating myself, because I made shallow cuts at the time, I think I'm something of a failure. Like I don't even deserve to have scars because they aren't "bad enough". Though I have been told by my boyfriend and my then-best-friend that my cuts and scars are absolutely something they need to worry about. But it seems like something so pathetic to me. And that only makes me want to make ones much deeper. And many more.

I feel so over sensitive sometimes that I just don't even think my thoughts are worth voicing. Like when I take things that my boyfriend says personally when I know that they aren't. But that doesn't stop it.
The other night I got so frustrated with myself because one simple thought multiplied and turned into a storm of thoughts. I got seriously violent for the first time in almost a year. I started punching things, but it wasn't enough because I wanted to hit something that would hit me back. I did bruise my knuckles though, and possibly left a bruise on my leg, but that pain will fade in a few days and I will be back to square one.

I love my boyfriend more than I have ever loved anyone, and I would do absolutely anything to keep him. I strive to be a better person for him, to be something he deserves to be with. But sometimes I think it's impossible and that I should just save him the trouble of being let down when he sees just how truly unfit for him I am. He wanted me to stop cutting. So I have been making an honest effort to not cut for him. I miss it though. And as he told me... "You shouldn't miss something like that."

So then what does that say about me?

I do miss it.

Every. Day.

To go entirely without it, and to get rid of my blades... I don't know if I can do it.

Then that brings the thoughts of my eating disorder.

Because I want to be someone he deserves, I would have to give up both self harm and my ED. Who would I be without that? What would I do with myself, where would I be? What would I spend my time on?

Somehow I feel like a fraud if I ever mention it to my boyfriend because yes, since I have met him I have improved a little bit. I eat, much more often than I would like. And I am as fat as a fucking whale. But I guess a little part of me feels the need to reach my UGW of 108 lbs, despite what that could mean. Will he stick around for that? Or will he give up on me long before I can reach it?

And why do I feel like I have something to prove?

I get frustrated because when I tell him I am not hungry, he doesn't want to eat either. It kind of feels like a game, but then again is it? Usually I give in and eat something anyways even though it only increases my hatred. But I can't keep doing that. Not if he wants me to stop cutting. I need to stop giving myself reasons to cut, which means I need to start starving.

How do I make this work?

I guess it's just a matter of waiting to get paid.

The only things I will be buying to eat are

Chicken Noodle Soup (150, though if I eat only half a can it's 75)

Lettuce (5)

Tomato (22)

Eggs to boil (17)

Shiritaki Noodles (I've heard zero calories, but I have never tried them)

So only about 119 calories worth of food. Then I can satisfy both myself, Ana, and my boyfriend because at least I will be eating, and I can easily burn off anything that I eat plus at least another 600 calories which means I should definitely see a loss. And I am going to aim to make it a week. Sometime, eventually I want to get a bowl. One that will be specifically mine that I can use to measure my food. Since I think people would look at me weird, (my boyfriend included) I'm holding off on actually buying kitchen scales until I can get my own place.

I'm thinking of getting back into the habit of taking laxatives. I have been too afraid to weigh myself recently because I feel like I am never truly empty and therefore will have an incorrect weight. But since my digestive system has finally began to function somewhat normally I'm afraid taking laxatives again will fuck that up again. But if I am honest, I'm also afraid that the number will send me back into depression.

I don't know if my boyfriend would stick around for that one either. Nobody wants to be with someone who's depressed, and that might be the one thing that shows him how unworthy of him I am. And if that happens, then I don't even want to think about who I would become. Ana would entirely take over again, and I would probably start self harming again. If not worse.

There is a gym here, that I haven't been to check out since we came here... but still. I should be going there every day. 

I should have no excuse to not go. I need to be burning calories, instead of sitting on my fat ass. I think when my boyfriend goes to work, that's what I will start doing. Spending all day at the gym, instead of eating. That would have to make my weight go down. And my weight absolutely has to go down, because right now I absolutely cannot stand myself.... I don't even want to touch myself. If my hand even accidentally touches my thigh, I find it hard not to automatically flinch because it's only a reminder of how fat I am. When my boyfriend touches me sometimes or wraps his arms around me, I feel like a whale. I judge myself based on how his arms feel around me. Which is so stupid, but I guess that's fucked up ED logic for you.

Winter is coming fast. It's already almost the end of August, and when Winter does come, what will I do? It would be so easy to cut and to hide it under layers. I can lose a lot of weight during the Winter too. But again, if I want my boyfriend to stick around, I can't cut.

This clash is new to me. Usually, nobody gives a fuck. Nobody has ever meant enough to me to make any impact on my self harm or habits. But he has, and I don't even know why. I love him enough to want to keep him around no matter what that means... But am I strong enough to actually carry that through and stop the things that would push us apart?

What means more to me?

This month of August has been incredibly hard for me as well. Everyone is going back to school, sending their kids to school, or settling into college. Where am I?

Will I ever get my GED?

Is college even a possibility for me anymore?

Even if I do get my GED, will I ever forgive myself?

Ever stop feeling like the failure I know i am?

Every day it just seems to get farther and farther away.

The pain doesn't go away. That's probably the reason I hate myself so much right now. Because I promised myself nothing but perfection. I promised I would get straight A's and graduate with a 4.0 because I knew I could do it and I had to be the best. I promised myself graduation, and going to college for something unique. I was going to make myself worthy of existing. Then Ana got in the way. My depression got in the way. I got in the way, and my demons became too much.

Since dropping out, I don't go a single second knowing how much of a failure I am. Other people don't and if they ask me I will defend my decision to drop out until I am blue in the face. But behind that bullshit, I want nothing more than to go back. To rewind time. And that's the ONE thing I can't do. Even if I get my GED, I will never be able to say I was a graduate. When people ask, they will automatically think less of me because I didn't graduate high school.

I wasn't strong enough.

That's holding me back, in so many ways. I will never be someone I deserved to be. That's the one thing I can't see changing my mind about because ever since I was in Elementary school, I made that my identity. I set my mind on something and I was going to accomplish it. But instead I let everything get in the way when I was so fucking close and now, how can I forgive myself? I didn't think of a back up plan. I didn't even consider the idea of failure. But I am the walking example of that.

I can't forget it.

And rather than deal with the pain that causes me, rather than talk about it... I'll just ignore it and pretend I don't see it. Pretend I don't feel it. Pretend it never happened.. until I can't anymore. Maybe then I will make myself something worth existing. But right now I honestly don't believe I am, and that alone is enough to makes this impossible to stop.

......?

Yesterday was an entirely crazy day. I don't really know how to explain it or where to start.
Last week I only worked 3 days, for a total of 16 hours. This week I only work 3 days for a total of 23 hours. What bullshit is that? My boss, S, has two people working for him that I cannot stand. One of them is 16 and starting school next week so she will only be able to "work weekends". The other is older, and has a kid, but has never had a job. So this is her first job, and I feel like that makes a difference. Both of them have been described as "temporary" because they aren't the kind of people that S wants to keep long term. However, both of them have about 3x the amount of hours I do, and I am the one that I think S wants to keep. I could be entirely wrong about that. I just don't think it makes sense to give me such a little amount of hours though. My boyfriend keeps telling me to just wait it out another week and then at least one of them won't be around and therefore I will have more hours. But it's kind of hard not to be upset after the repetition of only working 16 hours when I am trying to find somewhere to live. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Given the type of restaurant that I work at, we're a target for business during the football season (Go Broncos!). The first pre-season game we had about two weeks ago we weren't ready for. Tons of people came in to order food and we made it through most of the game, but towards the end of the night we had to close down because we were out of chicken till the next morning. This time we were better prepared. Saturday night my boyfriend and I were at work until about 1am blanching chicken so that we could be ready for the game the next day. Yesterday though was nothing like we were expecting it to be. We weren't as slammed as we were the previous game, so in a sense we were over prepared. But we were all working fine and it's my fault that it didn't stay that way.
I started to get frustrated about only working part of the day yesterday, and then little things started to remind me of how fat I am. Yesterday the restaurant across the street brought over some food and I didn't want any though my boyfriend was trying to get me to eat some. He kept trying to get me to eat and I kept telling him no. So he would put it a little closer to my face, and I would back away. Eventually I just said no and walked away, feeling like I didn't possibly deserve to eat because I am a fat waste of space. I did however eat some french fries yesterday, along with some energy drinks. But while working all I could think about was the fat hanging over my jeans, the way my arms jiggled. Every step I took, I jiggled. And it only increased my anger.
When we weren't busy, everyone was supposed to be doing something other than just standing around. But nobody really seemed to be doing that, so I went over to the corner and started looking up tattoo's that I could use for inspiration since I am looking to get one very soon. As soon as I picked up my iPod, I was told to go was windows. Which I was fine with. So I washed half of them, and then we got a little busy again so I stopped and went back to trying to get orders out. When those were done, I went to clean the other half of the windows, and more people came in. Everyone touches the glass on the doors as they walk in, so of course there are going to be fingerprints and such. I don't see the point in washing the windows during the middle of the day when more people and children are going to come in and touch the windows again.
So he sent me home but by then I was so absolutely livid that when I went outside I couldn't think of anything else but my blade. I ended up cutting and my boyfriend walked outside. Of course he got upset, but when we started talking about it I just broke down in tears. He told me that I might not have a job there anymore and that only made me want to cut even more. But he took my blade, not that I don't have more.

I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be, and I don't like it. I like who I was... before I started to lose myself again.
I just wish I could erase the last few days of my life. Pretend that they never existed so that I wouldn't be so upset. My thoughts aren't relenting, and I still have nightmares. They've followed me here, too. Will I ever be able to escape?

I just want to sleep and fade away from this world.

Ah Shit

It's Saturday. (Now Sunday)

This might not make sense... But here goes.

My boyfriend had already paid his and my part of the rent on the apartment we were trying to get. I don't get paid for another week, so he had to pay my part of it.

When the apartment fell through, he only got $100 of the rent back. But he hasn't actually gone to pick it up yet.

Today is Saturday. The last day I can spend in that house. 

Am I packed? Nope.

Do I know where I can go? Nope.

Do I have money? Not until next week.

I'm stressing so bad I can't even.

So yesterday I called my grandpa and he came to me me and pick up the few things I will be taking with me... Wherever I go.

I worked last night from 5 - 10. And I pretty much slept at work last night too. Though, much sleeping didn't get done. I was constantly cold and therefore kept waking up. Since neither my boyfriend of I have much money right now we are gonna be staying at work until Tuesday when we can get our checks.

My boyfriend talked to our boss and worked out a way for him to give them to us early so that's at least a positive.

I've been looking for places for rent around here, but so far I haven't really gotten any replies. I just want somewhere to live, but unfortunately my boyfriend and I can't get our own apartment right now.

I feel bad for him, because he is working twelve hour days and hasn't had a day off in at least 2 weeks. I, on the other hand, can't get enough hours. I think I only have 24 for this pay period. I have this Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday off as well as the same days off next week. I get so frustrated because I mean, a girl here who is only temporary has more hours than I do. How the fuck does that work?

And especially since S (my boss) knows that I'm moving out and currently homeless and could so use the extra hours just so I would have somewhere to live.

But I guess overall I like working here. I can chill with my coworkers when I'm not busy, I get to see my boyfriend whenever I want, I can smoke weed (and with the boss when he is around) and the people here aren't so strict about everything. It's more of a mellow atmosphere... In other words, my kinda place. (;

I've been having random bouts of nausea these last few days. I can't seem to figure out why and I can't seem to stop it. Joy.

This month of August is not proving to be as useful as I've wanted it to. I need to change that, since its still early in the month. It doesn't have to be a complete failure.

I don't have to work today until 4, and I am absolutely lost as to what I should do to occupy my time. I can't go "home" since I don't have one of those. I don't have any friends who I could call and meet up with to chill for a few hours. Everyone has their own life. They don't need me.

So, here I sit. Outside my work. Where I've pretty much solidly been for the last 24 hours. I don't like to be inside because I can't stop panicking about what people think of me. But outside there's nothing much to do either. I can see my boyfriend when he comes outside, and I can smoke weed and blast Skrillex in my headphones.

But it's a nice day (72 degrees) and I wish I wasn't lame. Oh well, I guess.

All of the food I intended to consume has already been taken care of, and now I have the rest of today to burn it off.

I've been smoking a hell of a lot of cigarettes lately too... Replacing food with them. I can feel the effect on my lungs, as its harder to breathe because smoking and asthma don't go together.

It's a terrifying feeling to not be able to get oxygen into your lungs, and to constantly feel like a 200lb person is sitting on your chest. All. The. Fucking. Time. Will that make me stop, though?

Probably not. And that's sad.

I don't have an asthma inhaler because I guess my asthma isn't "bad enough for that".

I'm not "sick enough" to admit I have anorexia.

I'm not "disordered enough".

"Skinny enough"

Not enough.

I don't even deserve to type that. I'm fat.

Disgusting. I'm a pig.

Lately I've starre to obsess over my wrists. They're huge to me, and it bothers me a great deal. My boyfriend swears to me that my wrists are tiny and that if they got smaller I would be too "fragile". No.

They're huge.

I can pinch the fat covering them. I can't see my wrist bones.

Therefore, they are not okay.

Every time I catch a glimpse of my old scars, it only reinforces the notion that I need to cut. I have to see more cuts on my body. I'm uncomfortable to say the least without them there. But what can I do? I shouldn't want to cut. I do.

Why?

I couldn't even tell you.

So... This has kinda turned into a splurge of all the thoughts that keep running around and around in my head these past few days. So... Imma just stop there.

Long Day

Still no best friend.

I guess I'm more upset than I wanted to admit...

I still haven't decided what to do with pictures of us. I feel like she was my sister. Like I lost a part of me.

Every story I start to tell has her name in it, and it only makes me angrier. How could she just act like I was nothing?

I have until Saturday to find somewhere to stay, and the apartment I had a chance of moving into fell through. One of the people who live there is a friend of my boyfriend and his girl decided she didn't want us there because she would "lose her privacy". Which is such an excuse. I mean, c'mon. If you're gonna lie to me, at least lie well.

So now I don't know where my boyfriend and I are gonna move. He doesn't seem that worried about it, but I am just tht much more stressed.

Stress causes weight gain, and I can definitely see it.

It's already the 7th of August and I still don't know my weight. I don't want to, and I am so terrified of what I weigh. I know I will have to face the music, and soon...

But not today.

My mom is back and forth and back with me almost all the time now. I thought getting through all the court shit would make things easier. I thought the hard part was over. I was so wrong.

I am not in control. Of anything. I'm about to go pick up blades behind my boyfriends back one of these days so I can cut. I can't fight that anymore.

I am falling. I thought I couldn't fall anymore.

Working with my boyfriend is still confusing. Sometimes I feel inadequate and insecure because I do something wrong, and sometimes I feel like his anger is directed at me or I take something too personally. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.

But sometimes things go well. Sometimes it feels like I can understand their vibes and we find a rythem. Sometimes I can understand why my boyfriend is angry and realize that it isn't directed at me.

But going back and forth so much is tiring. It makes me frustrated. It makes things sometimes impossible. I just need to find my balance, and I guess in time I will. For now, I guess I'll deal.

I'm trying to save my tips from this job so that when I get paid, I can buy a computer that I have needed so bad. So far, I'm not even a forth of a way towards the $250 I need. But since the football season is coming up, or already starting (depending on how you see it) I should be able to get there relatively soon.

Then maybe I can get my GED.

Maybe get a small part of myself back.

Probably not.

After work, we sat around for a while drinking beer. They were watching the football game and I've been listening to music. I don't really fit in. I don't drink much because I'm terrified of the calories. I have eaten more than I needed to today, though I'm sure I burned a lot during work today.

But somehow I'm still hungry.

I'm absolutely freezing. I cannot get warm.

I just want to sleep. For a long time. If I let  myself sleep tonight until my body is rested, I will feel absolutely lazy and fat tomorrow. But I find it almost impossible to go to sleep earlier. So I can't.

I need to just forget for a while.

Forget everything.

Well, I feel like so much happened yesterday.
So much that I still haven't had a chance to process.
So i'm going to basically write an overview of it, to try to wrap my head around it.

Ever since I met my boyfriend my best friend has faded out of my life. For a while there, she had a job and her boyfriend had a job, while I was single and had no job. Yesterday my "best  friend" and I got in a fight pretty much over my boyfriend.
It wasn't really about him, but my best friend wouldn't admit what it was really about. We tried to talk it out, but she hung up on me and that basically ended our friendship. I honestly would have figured that seven years of friendship meant more. I guess I should have known because people aren't ever really different.

So as a result, and another unspoken issue, the place I was staying in with my boyfriend (my ex-best friends grandmother) is no longer available. My boyfriend and I might have a place to stay, although that isn't a guarantee for me. I called my mom and asked her to take a bunch of boxes that I packed my stuff in because wherever I end up, I can't risk carrying so much shit with me and my mom wouldn't let me throw it away. Ugh.

On top of all that, as if that isn't enough shit already, two people at my boyfriend's work quit yesterday, and one of them stole about $1500. So basically, they really needed people to work yesterday and therefore I kind of got hired instantly... Today is my second day and I don't know exactly how to feel about it. On the one hand, I am excited that I have a job. I really needed one and with the recent events that mean I have to move out in less than a week, it comes in handy. On the other hand, I feel like since I will be around my boyfriend a lot more, he will think less of me if I fuck something up or if I don't learn something fast enough. I also have this stupid nagging thought that because I will be around him so much, that he will just straight up get tired of me. I feel awkward at his work, as if I am looking so stupid when I forget to do something. I don't know, maybe it is nothing and I am just being insecure.

So yeah... Basically my life was turned upside down in a matter of hours, and sort of fixed itself too. Kinda. I thought I was fine with it, or at least not to upset, but I think I am more upset than I thought.
(Should I think some more?)

So basically I am moving out in less than a week, and I find out if I have somewhere to stay tomorrow (I think).

So what do I do now?