I Feel Like Shit..

But I feel strong too.

This morning, I ate a little bit of banana bread (I'm guessing 240) and then later for "lunch" I had a bite of a cookie (20). So that roughly puts my total at 260. I walked all during my lunch hour, and a little bit before school. I had a later start today, so I was able to walk more than usual.

I'm hungry again now, which means my body has used up/burnt all 260 cals that I ate. But I'm not planning on eating any more.
I'm huge, and all day all I've felt and seen is fatfatfat. It never ends, and I'm just tired of it.
I want it all to stop.

But I was reading this other blog earlier, and somehow I got to reading all of her old posts. I read for a little while, but it was so triggering. I'm definitely not eating today.

I have a few miles to go to get home (It's about 8 miles the way I usually take to get home from where I am now).
I don't have to walk all of that, but I think I'm definitely going to walk some of it because I need to burn more calories. I have no idea what I weigh, and I'm ashamed to say that. I've kind of let that number slip out of my mind a little. But no.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, and see where I stand. I'll never get anywhere if I don't make goals and figure out the damage done.

** I did this calculation thing where it calculated based on your body structure, exercise, weight, (and a bunch of other factors) how many calories you should eat in a day. It told me roughly 2700. Hah! I could never imagine eating that much food, healthy or not.

Anyways, that's my little rant for the moment. Now I need to go walk so I can stop fidgeting. My body is getting stiff.

Lack of Effort

I'm finding it hard to even go outside right now. I don't want anyone to look at me, talk to me. I don't want to exist.

Most of the time I put a smile on my face and do it anyways. But more and more days I'm finding that I just don't want to put in the effort.

My weight still sucks.

I'm waiting for spring to come, but really, what difference would there be? The weather might change, but I won't. I'll stay here.. Frozen.

I need to stop thinking. It fucks me up in ways that I'm just tired of dealing with.

My 18th birthday is coming up in a few short weeks. I'm not even excited.. I mean I am, but I'm not. It just gives me anxiety. I haven't made any plans for my birthday yet, because I'm not sure what to do or who to do it with.

It will probably end up being just another day.

My relationship is pretty much shit by now. If there's even anything left of it. I just don't have the effort to try anymore. To worry about it, to stress over it, to wonder. I just can't do it anymore.

Babe, if you're reading this - I'm sorry.

I just wander around and around... A lifeless lump of skin and bones.

And nowhere to go from here.

I'm alone.

I'm alone.

Empty

Every second of every day I see people I once knew move on in their lives. They change, they move, they live.
I'm just stuck in nowhere-land. Every day I feel myself, just a little piece of myself, die. Disappear.. Nothing.

Goodbye.

Why do I post here? What is the point?

Nobody reads it, I don't know if its helping me or not.. I don't know if I should keep it or not.

Probably not.

So I guess I'm gonna be taking down this  blog sometime soon. I'm not 100% sure when that will be, but I guess sometime in the next week or so. 

I've enjoyed being here for the short time that I was. The people I've met, the stories I've heard. 

To everyone who has taken the time to get to know me and let me get to know them, thank you. It's meant a lot to me.

So, goodbye.

Fasting/Thinspo!

I'm fasting today. Yesterday was yesterday, and though it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I'm starting fresh today. I'm going to fast today and tomorrow and finally weigh myself on Saturday morning. I need my weight to budge. It has to.

I seem to have abandoned running, or at least temporarily. I miss it, but whatever. 

Let the fasting happen. And I've got plenty of thinspo to keep me strong. (:

-

I'm so fucking mad at myself today. I woke up late this morning for the second time in a row. Then I tried to get dressed, and no matter what I put on or how I wore it, I looked fat. Jeans and a hoodie? Too fat. Leggings and a hoodie? Too fat. Any shirt? Too fat. I finally settled on leggings with sweatpants over them, and a long sleeve shirt under a t-shirt. I had to leave, so there wasn't time to change again. But... I hate it. I hate the way the sweatpants fit me and I can't just wear leggings because its like 10 degrees outside. I don't want to be in school today. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to hide and starve. My internal thoughts and Ana are driving me crazy.

I have no idea what I weigh, because I'm scared to weigh myself. I know I'm fat though.

I'm in the start of my third class now, but ts just dragging on. Then I have two more classes before I can finally go home again. I don't even want to go there.

In Psych today, we were talking about martyrs and those people who are always like 'pity me'. I swear to god I'm one of those people, and I fucking hate myself for it. I hate myself for everything, and I don't know how to stop. I wish I could just stop existing. Stop this fucking roundabout going on in my head 24/7. But it never ends. And I don't deserve any better.

Fuck It.

There comes a time though where sucking it up just isn't an option. When you've taken all you can take.

I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore.
I want to lose myself. But I don't know how. I just... No.
Time for me to stop thinking. Toodles.

Ramble

I was so glad to help her. Proud that I was able. I felt it in my heart.. I love her. She's been through a lot, she's been hurt. She's alike me in so many ways, and I feel like I could be the one person who could maybe be good. Maybe.
She said she'd thought about dating me, but was afraid to ask. That was... Forever ago. I was always afraid to try, and now.. I don't know.
She saved my life, and I'd do literally anything for her. Just because I genuinely want to help.

I'm not even sure what sense I make.
I met a great guy today. Just as friends, but he's a genuine soul like me. He has something in him that I just.. Respect. I've only known him for a few hours, but we got to chat. At the time I was happy to say all the things I said, but now the guilt slams into me. He said I deserve to have a better life.. But do I?

I'm lonely as fuck. I want someone to hug me, and cuddle with me. I want a boyfriend, but mine is.. Wherever. I want to beat my head against a wall repeatedly. Regardless of pain.
How many times a day do I think I want to throw myself under a bus, jump off a bridge, step in front of a car? Too many.

The first thought I think when I step foot in my house is "when can I leave again"? I need to go. It doesn't fucking matter where, or how, or when I come back. If I die, if I live, how I live, it doesn't matter. I just need to go. I need to outrun myself.

I guess cigarettes are taking the place of weed, and you know what? I don't fucking care. I don't have weed right now, and my weed dealer isn't dealing. I'm not old enough to buy alcohol, and cigarettes are cheaper. I don't care anyways. My body, I'll fuck it up how I want to.

It's times like these that I'd get so high off my ass that I couldn't think. Why? Because every thought I have always ends in "and it'd be better if I was dead'. I don't even fucking know.

I'm struggling right now. What the fuck do I do? What can I do?
The only thing that comes to mind is.. Suck it up and deal with it.

Mhm.

Life is jut bearable when I love on the edge. I may not do the craziest stuff, but why works for me, works for me.

I'm learning new things about myself that I can't say I mind. I'm getting back in control.

I'm fasting today, and so far it's great. I had a coffee this morning (but I don't count those cals) and that will be all I'm having. Nothing more.

I will starve away this weight that I gained so stupidly. I don't remember the last date that I went to the gym but I'm kind of missing it and wishing I could go again. It sucks that I can only go when my friend wants to go, but I guess at least I get to go free.

School is bearable. I haven't really had a lot to do here, and I kind if like it. But I stress about college every day. I know where I want to go, but I haven't applied and I know deadlines are coming up. I'm supposed to retake the ACT's in February, and I have to take the SAT too. Being out of a job sucks because now I know what it feels like to worry about money. I liked it when I knew I had money coming every few weeks. I'm gonna start searching for another job here soon.

In other news, my roommate and my dad are no longer dating, but her daughter has moved back in for a few weeks due to living arrangement issues and bullshit. But I'm rarely there anyways, so what does it matter?

I started smoking cigarettes... I don't know when exactly I started or why. I don't think I have a reason, other than they're good for killing my appetite. I'm not addicted to them, and that's something I like. But I feel like if anyone sees me smoking a cigarette, they judge me instantly. Even my "friends". Hah.

My mom also disowned me in a way. She was in the hospital for a while, and I was so busy working. I wasn't able to visit her, but I did ask how she was doing an let her know I was thinking about her. I probably don't call as often as I should have though, and he got hurt. We kind of got in a fight and she basically said she was pissed that out of 3 kids, none cared enough to check on her.

I will admit, I've been pretty selfish these past few weeks. I've stopped talking to most of my friends/family/others and just kind of wallowed in my own pity. It's stupid, I know. But I'm struggling and it's something I want to do on my own. That's no excuse for what happened with my mom, but it's the truth at least. Still, I find myself hesitating to call her and make amends, for some reason I can't identify. I don't want to push her away. But I'm getting the the way. Ugh. So many mental circles I've ran in over this, and it's my fault.

In terms of my boyfriend, I don't even know. He hasn't called me, he's ignored my messages, and I will be honest. I haven't tried to call him either, for the same reason I haven't called my mom. I'm so pathetic, and I don't deserve a relationship if I'm not willing to fight for it. We haven't spoken in about 1 1/2 months now. Is it safe to assume we're broken up? I don't want to break up, I don't think. But maybe I do and just don't want to admit it. I don't know, but I do know that if neither of us does something soon, we have no future together. That thought makes me so sad.. *sigh*

That's pretty much everything in my life at the moment. I'm destroying everything..

I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore.

In just empty. I'm nothing. Not even a shell.

I will find a way to exist as nothing forever. I need to.

Fuck me, fuck everyone.

It's not worth it.

My grandpa called me fat. Like really and truly called me fat.

My boyfriend and I are fucked up, but who the hell knows what's going on there?

I need to find a job, like... Now.

These things seems so small. In the outside, it may even seem like they don't phase me. But inside, they're adding up. The small bit of pain from being called fat gets added to the pain of losing my job. Together, they're added to the pain of whatever is going on with my boyfriend. Little things add up, and they add up and eventually I just explode.

No single thing makes me feel the way j do. It's the combination of everything.

So now, because I'm a stupid avoidant teenager... I'm going to get really high and pretend to be happy, and who knows? Maybe if I ignore it all long enough, it'll go away. Not. But I'm doing it anyways.

On My Own

Over the last few weeks, I've realized just how much I deserve nothing that I'm given.

My relationship is probably the biggest one. I let myself get in the way. When things got tough, instead of fighting for him, for us, I forced myself not to. Regardless of why I am doing it and have been doing it, this is all my fault.

I don't even know if I deserve the few friends I have, or had. I've pushed most of them away, or just stopped talking to them. The one friend I hang out with frequently, I don't even talk to that often. I only see her outside of school. Other than that, most of my friends have faded away. Or I've shoved them away.

Maybe I just want to be solitary.

Actually, no.

Loneliness tears at the mind and soul.

It tears and burns until you eventually go crazy..

The one person I want to see right now isn't available and probably doesn't want to see me anyways.

Everyone else.. I just can't stand to be around because I tear myself down and don't want to let others see that.

That's one thing I guess I could say. I put mysel in this hell, and only I can take myself out. But no matter how I justify it, I just hate myself more and more. Eventually something has to give.

I deserve nothing better than what I do to myself, but maybe someday I can earn the right to a better life.

 

Yep

I lost my job today. Nothing much else to say about it. -sigh-

Feelin' Good

I went to the gym today. I trained for a total of 4.5 miles, and burned 592 calories.

Before I went to the gym though, I ate a bunch of French fries, half of a veggie burger, and I had a banana milkshake. I know, I know...

Terrible.

Which is why I made it my goal to burn at least 600 cals. I came pretty close, and I feel a little better about what I ate.

Being a vegetarian is going really well. I haven't eaten meat or wanted to even in a while now. I don't even know how long it's been since I became a vegetarian, but I feel good. 

My ED and I are on the same page for once, and I can't say I mind it. I graduate in less than 6 months, I go to college, and I see my boyfriend again. All of which    I NEED to be skinny for. 108 lbs, at least. So I'm down to do it! I feel like this gym thing could become a pretty regular thing. If it does, then I should e able to lose weight steadily. Maybe even here soon I can get myself a gym membership, and not have to depend on my friend to get me in for free. Who knows, but I definitely love this feeling.

Final Stretch

Back to school.

Waking up at 6 am if not sooner.

Tests and quizzes,

studying.

Maybe I'll also get to work out more, eat less. Lose more weight.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, even if I don't want to go.

I have 5 classes this semester, but they're all at the same school so it should definitely make that a little easier.

I'm also becoming more independent. Now that I have a job, I can pay for a lot more things on my own. Which makes me just slightly more responsible, rather than dependingkn everyone around me. Anyways, enough rambling. Time to head off to school. He'll, whatever you see fit to call it.

No More..

Today could be a good day.

Not.

Here's the truth: I'm struggling.
I'm struggling so fucking hard and I'm so close to giving up. I'm so fucking close and for the last few days I've felt a wild desperation, a need for relief from this. Just for a moment.
Struggling to reach out to someone, have the idea that there is someone out there to talk to. Then I tear myself down. Who am I to think I deserve someone to talk to?
To think that I deserve a reprieve from my hell?

I admit, things are worse now than they were before. What's triggered it, I don't know. But I hardly speak to anyone anymore. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything. I don't even notice the days passing. I wish I could dip that blade into my skin, but I have to be good. Fighting my emotions, my thoughts, is a struggle.

I haven't slept in over 48 hours. How long exactly, I don't know. But I've been cutting, smoking weed, eating and cutting some more, taking laxatives, and wishing I was dead. I can't choose between desperately wanting to remain awake and wishing I could fall into a black sleep and not think or feel anymore.
I fight the wish that I had someone by my side to fight with me right now. To talk to. It just doesn't feel like it's possible or worth it, and there's not enough of me left to do it on my own. Where do I go from here?

This is different from before. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't have anything left worth fighting for. I don't want to fight anymore..

Every choice I make, I hate myself all the more. I honestly have nowhere to go, and I'm dying inside. And out.

Say something..

"Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you..

Anywhere, I, would have followed you..

Say something, I'm giving up on you.."

Is that why this is?

I chose to trust you and every day we fall farther apart.. And every day my heart breaks just a little bit more because I feel like you're all that ive got and if you leave..

I'll be left alone.. And it's selfish and pathetic and stupid and foolish and whatever but I really don't want to be left alone again..

I never deserved you, never deserved the love and support you have me. But you did love me and offered support and I will always be grateful.

Maybe.. Maybe I should just protect myself from now on. Go back to the way things were before, when there was nothing to lose. When there was only me.

"Say something I'm giving up on you.."

I'm sorry..

Nowhere

Got accused of stealing money at work and now I'm suspended until they can figure all of this out.

Not even sure what to call myself anymore. I've got constant anxiety, fear. Anger. Hatred. Desperation. Whatever you want to call it, it won't go away. I need.. Something. Someone. But no. I'm on my own.

It's 4am and instill can't sleep. Instead thoughts swirl in my head dragging me ever farther down. Where does it end? When is enough, ENOUGH? Talking, expression. None of it means anything anymore, but that same thought also leaves me 

Nowhere. 

Again. -sigh- 

If there was any mercy in the world, I'd be dead by now..

I am officially a vegetarian. No meat for me.

Ever again.

Weight: 167.5

I haven't slept, as much as I might want to. A solid 24 hours since I last slept - and who knows when I will finally crash.

The thing is, I don't think I care anymore.

Fading

I thought I could distract myself if I talked to someone. If I worried more about them than I thought about what's going on inside my head. I guess I was wrong.

My grandfather is my idol. I have so much respect for him that I can't even put it into words. But he's getting older. Time waits for no one. I can't imagine how things will be when.. When he's no longer around.. The thought nearly takes my breath away. I just.. I need him.

There is also the fact that everyone seems to be fading out of my life. There one moment gone the next. Meaningless. I to them, and them to me I suppose.

I never thought there would come a time when sleeping was better than being awake. Than feeling my chest expand with breath and knowing that I am alive, even if I don't deserve it. But that time has come and I don't imagine it leaving anytime soon.

Cimiron.. I think about him daily. When I think about him for too long, my chest starts feeling heavy with the knowledge that he too is a fading part to my life. That's probably my fault.. Everything is.

It seems like every thought I have is like an arrow, piercing me and killing me ever so slowly. Even sleep is iffy these days, seeing as it is 3 am and I can't sleep. I don't know where I am, but I am not oriented fully in the physical world nor am I anchored entirely in my mental hell either.

I guess I don't know what to be or think anymore. 

I'm fading, too.

Happy New Year

I didn't have to work today and for that I am glad. I needed a break. My manager is such a bitch but there isn't actually anything I can do about it. So I guess I just have to suck it up. I have tomorrow off as well and then I go back to work for 4 days straight. Woo.

I've had a fairly low intake today. The only thing I've eaten is some salsa and chips, but not much. Last night for New Years I didn't get to drink because my aunt was around but I did end up smoking quite a bit of weed. I'm okay with that, but I have a strange desire to drink and get drunk. Just once, to get out of my head for a while. I'm pretty stable at the moment. I'm not self harming as much and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I miss it, kind of.

I want to be reckless. I want to be crazy. I'm tired of being safe and waiting for things to get better. I want to just say fuck it and have fun while I can. I want to be 17. Almost 18. But I'm also tired of being a kid. 

I have no idea what my weight is, but that's okay. I'll weigh in the morning. Find out how fat I am. I got a new iPod and I love it. Now I can do so many things that I couldn't before, and I finally have access to all of my music again. I missed it, so much.

Anyways, there's my little update, if anyone cares.