Not sure why i'm irritated..

My friend wanted to hang out, and I said sure, because we haven't hung out in forever! But then she suggested that we go to a FOOD FESTIVAL. I mean, c'mon!!!! She knows how hard of a time i'm having right now with my weight and eating, and she suggests going to a food festival.

Ugh.

Normally this wouldn't bother me, I mean, it's just a festival, right? But damn! I've reaches out to her for help, asked her to help me eat right, told her what happens when I eat, asked for her support, etc, and now it doens't feel like she's supporting me.... I mean the other day when she asked how much i'd eaten, and I said I ate, but not a lot, she asked if I truly wanted to get over this thing. I said that I did, and that I wasn't purging anymore, I wasn't self harming, I rarely ever lied about what I ate, and that I was trying to be healthy. If that didn't prove that I wanted to get over it, then what would?

But she just said that I needed to start eating more, that I can't listen to the voice in my head that tells me horrible things when I eat. IF IT WAS THAT SIMPLE, I WOULD NOT HAVE A GOD DAMN EATING DISORDER. I am doing the best that I can, but right now, it seems to be a wee bit harder, and when I wanted someone to understand, well she just tells me to get over it.

I hate this, because then I don't want to reach out to her, I don't want her help, I don't want to confide in her, I don't want anything from her. But what am I supposed to do? She's my best friend. But it doesn't feel like it. And I mean it isn't just the reason why i'm so upset. It's that nobody here seems to be able to understand or somewhat care about what I am going through, and they can't do anything about it. I need someone who can see me, see what I eat, be an outside source. For someone who isn't here to see it, they could accept any lie I tell them about what I ate that day, and most of the time, It's the truth. But sometimes it isn't. They can't see when I need help, they aren't here in person when I need to be alone, and they're just not here.
But it feels like there's nobody that is even willing to help me out, or to be there for me, or try to support me. And that's what I need most right now, I don't think I can do this final part on my own, because i'm just not that strong.... But what choice have I?
I mean, I guess I don't blame them..... but I really really hope that they never have to go through this.. it's the worst thing ever, and i've seen how my friends struggle. They sruggglme more than I did, for some reason, but i've gone backwards more. So I don't ever want to see this happen to them. I hope they live a  happy normal life.
I feel like i'm changing a lot this year. Some of the stuff that I laughed at last year, well I feel like it's annoying now. The stupid things I may have done last year, I just don't want to do it anymore. And I know i'm being a lot more self centered than normal, but I don't seem to care. I'm not stressing too much about school, I seem to be excited about things I couldn't be bothered with. Now, you might say that this is normal, but in reality, I feel like i'm the only one who's changed. Everyone else has seemed to stay the same for the most part. It's weird.
I don't know why I felt the need to write all this down, maybe just because if I can see it I can work through it easier? I hope. Anyways, goodnight.

Fitness!

So the other day I decided that i'd like to go running, as part of starting to get into shape. So I did, but I also timed my laps, and recorded them so that I could keep track of how much I improve, just as a motivation thing. I'm sure you can understand. I mean, when you accomplish something, you feel elated, inspired, right?
Well I do. And that's the purpose of keeping my times from running.

So two days ago when I went for my first run, about a mile and a half. Here's my stats.
The first lap I ran in 2:53:52. Not bad, right?
The second lap I ran in 2:59:35. This is when my asthma started kicking in, so I had to slow down a little bit.
The third lap I ran in 2:56:59. I was pretty happy to find that I improved a little bit, despite my asthma, but y'know, i'm hoping to do a lot better. Or even to just be able to breathe a little easier when I run. That would be considered an accomplishment, to me.

So I was pretty excited for that, I went to run last night also, but I ended up only being able to run one lap, becuase I felt like I was gonna puke and pass out simultaneously. Not a good thing. So I went home and I chilled out, just breathed. I felt much better afterwards, I'm not sure what was up. Then this morning I got up early to run a few laps before I had to leave for school, partly because I wanted to feel energized, but also partly because I wanted to make up for not being able to run last night.

It was amazing!!!!
:D

I think I may go for another run tonight, after dinner, just because. And then tomorrow I start my 30 Day Fitness Challenge!!!!!!! Which I think I will be posting on here, so anyone that wants to know about it can read about it, try it if they'd like, or really, just do whatever with it. (:

That's pretty much what's up with me, because school has just been alright, nothing too interesting there. Mostly, my focus is on this weekend, on what i'm going to do (Though I have no plans yet) and also on my Fitness Challenge. Did I mention i'm excited?!!?

Day before!

So I start my Fitness Challenge on Saturday!!!! I can't wait!!!!! And while I know that technically tomorrow would be the day before, well I just wanted to write about it!
I will be posting my goals, my thoughts, and my progress on here, as a way to keep track of it, and also for anyone that wants to know about how it's going, what it is. I don't mean to bother or trigger anyone, or anything like that, so if you don't want to see it, then don't read these posts! It's simple!
I've come to the thought that this will be the last part in getting over my ED. Because I think I need to go after being healthy, living healthy, if I want to be happy. Not to get obsessed about it, but just as something I need to do.
I really can't wait, i've started running, in the past three days. And though it isn't easy thanks to the fact that I have Asthma, I can still do it and I love it. Asthma used to be my excuse why I couldn't run, or play sports. But in reality, I think it was just because I didn't want to. And I also think that this will do me a lot of good, in just being happy. I mean I feel so bright and cheerful that I think it's kinda scary, to be honest. But it's not bad!  =D =D =D
The other day I ran 3 laps around the park, so about a mile and a half. Instead of timing it in a whole, I decided to time it in laps. I did really well, or so I thought. I was going to post the times on here, but I don't have them right now, I shall do it later, probably tomorrow when I get them. And then I can also post my stats from tonight as well, see if i've improved any. That's my goal with timing it. I just want to improve. (:
I hope it goes well. I am going to go eat dinner, then for a run! (:

Thank you!

I was thinking earlier..... and I realized that there are so many people who have helped me through anything and everything, and that it means a lot. And I realize that I may not act like it, but I just wanted to finally say it in all one post, so that I can put it out there. So here's a list of people who've helped and supported me. (:

1. Izzy
From the second I found her blog, it meant a lot to me. She was recovering from Anorexia at the time, and though we didn't share the same ED, she could understand how I felt on a personal level. She gave me advice on everything, without judgement. It was amazing, and now that she is fully recovered from her Eating Disorder, I can look up to her. I want to be like her, to love who I am, to be healthy, to be where she is at. I want to be able to help other people. She is amazing. http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/ and her new blog http://living--healthy.blogspot.com/

2. Kendel
She's been amazing to me, someone to just talk to, and though she lives far away, he has a way of being her that just makes me smile. We have so much in common, and I love reading her blog. http://xjustanotherteenblogger.wordpress.com/ She's fun to talk to, and she just makes me laugh a lot. Of course, that's not too hard to do, but still. It's very nice. I consider her a friend, even though she lives in New Zealand and I've never met her!

3. Lovely Bones
This girl - I found her blog a few days ago. And from the second I read it, I was intrigued. She is currently battling Bulimia, and though it tends to get the best of her, as it is a very hard disease to get out of, she is fighting it. She was easy to talk to, and she supported me from the get go. I am not sure what it is about her, but she just makes me smile, and I am rooting for the best for her to beat her Bulimia. I know she can do it! Here's a link to check out her blog: http://mystruggleforperfection.blogspot.com/

4. Alex
She is one of my best friends, and though she doesn't know about this blog, she too has been where I'm at. She talks me through the worst of situations, where I think that nobody could ever want to be around me. She makes me laugh, and her quirks? You just gotta love her. She's been known to be quite scary when she's angry, but hey, aren't we all? I love her so much, she's a great friend to have. I don't know what I'd do without her.

5. Cimiron
I know I talk about him a lot in this blog, but hey, he means something huge to me. He makes me laugh, and smile. He listens to all of my crazy rants, even when he doesn't deserve it. He gives me advice, even when I don't think I want it. And he loves me. That's a huge thing, because I don't love myself, or at least I don't think I do, and because of him, I'm getting there. He is amazing, and even though he lives 2200 miles away, I still keep him here. I owe him so much for everything he's done for me, and probably will continue to do for me. I am so lucky to have him. I can't believe that I went to school with him for an entire year, hung out with him pretty much for a year, and yet I had no idea who he was. And now, here we are about 4 years later, and I can't imagine my life without him. Now, I don't mean to sound all cheesy and sappy and everything, but really, all that is amazing to me. (:

6. Kassidy
Kassidy is another one of my best friends, and she helps me through a lot. She is the one that would do the most insane shit with me, just because I want to. We've had so many great adventures, and I can still remember the first time we met. Ironically, it was due to the fact that I was being a complete idiot on the first day of school, but hey, a friend is still a friend. Sometimes I want to kick her in the face, and tell her to shove it up a goat (I have told her that before), but I still love having her crazy ass around. Who else would I do crazy stuff with?!?!? She supports me through everything, and I her, and I'm really lucky to have a friend like her.

7. Otis
This hoe right here is my bestest friend. Just kidding, she is so not a hoe. I love her. She makes me laugh, she gets things stuck in my head, she's constantly random, and she's her. I have to thank her so much, because she is originally the one who got me started on my road to recovery from Bulimia. Had she not stepped in, and told her grandma, where would I be now? I owe her for that, for saving my life, not once, but twice. The first was from my Bulimia, because surely I would be dead by now, or close to it. But she also saved me again back in my Freshman year/summer when I was self harming. Granted, she was doing it too, but she reached out to me through her own pain, and he helped me to stop. She helped me out of my depression, and to that I will always be grateful. I love her so much, I can't imagine my life without a best friend like that.

Well these are a few people that have done outstanding things for me, and I wanted to thank them for everything they've done, even if most of them will not see this. It's still there, and maybe one day I can show them. Because you should tell people what they mean to you day in and day out, and appreciate what you have, because you never know if tomorrow could be your last day, and you wouldn't want to leave anything unsaid. (:

30 Day Challenge OVER!!!!!

I successfully completed my 30 Day Challenge, as of today. I messed up in a few places, I will admit! But it felt good to have a commitment to something, even if it was on a blog that nobody probably reads, or even if I did get a wee bit obsessed with it.... Haha but it still feels really good to accomplish something!!!!

I am so proud of myself!!!! (:

Haha here's a few pictures that also make me smile, and work with this wonderful and beautiful day!!! Smile!

Day 30: Do you have any saved text messages? If so, who are they from and why do you still have them?

Haha I have a lot of saved text messages.... well okay, not a lot, but enough! Let's see.... I'll just make a list.

There's really only two in my phone right now.
One set is from my friend Alex. She helped me through it the other day when I binged and purged, and couldn't take it. When I hated myself, and pretty much had a meltdown. She talked to me all through the night, and helped me figure some things out and get back on track. She made me realize that if I mess up once, it doesn't meant that i'm Bulimic or Anorexic again, it just means that I have to find the trigger, and accept it. I have to move on, work around it. It was a long conversation, like 111 messages.
I keep it because now in the days following my fuck up, I can read them and remember why I am fighting for recovery, and to be healthy. They remind me that I shouldn't hate myself for messing up. It's just to look at for some inspiration when i'm feeling low about my weight or something for now.

The other person that I have saved text messages from is Cimiron. This is because I can look at them now and they make me smile, when i'm having a bad day. I mean since he lives so far away, It isn't like I can see him every day, so I keep the little things he may say from time to time to give me a reason to smile. It always works. One thing he does without actually trying is that he helps me love myself. I know that sounds really weird, but when i'm having a bad weight day, I just think that he loves me, everything about me.
And if he can love me for everything I am, then I should be able to love myself. And most of the time, thinking about that takes my mind off of whatever it is that i'm stressing about. So they just help me keep a positive attitude, and besides, I love him. So they give me reasons, to smile as does he. (He's the screensaver on my phone and he very much dislikes it. (: But I don't!)

Silence

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF ME, i DON'T NEED HELP, I DON'T NEED YOU TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN.

I JUST WANT TO STICK MY HEADPHONES IN AND TELL EVERYONE TO FUCK OFF.

I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO, OR GUILTING ME INTO THINGS. I HAVE MORALS. I KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT. AND I HAVE GOALS. I KNOW HOW TO ACHIEVE THEM BETTER THAN YOU EVER WOULD. I AM OVER DEALING WITH PEOPLE, BECAUSE NOBODY SEEMS TO BE CHILL RIGHT NOW. AT LEAST NOT ANYBODY HERE. AND YOUR STRESS = MY STRESS. I DON'T NEED IT!

YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS PERFECT, IS MY IDEA OF INSANITY!

I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO GET GOOD GRADES, TELL YOU HAPPY THINGS, OR BE PERFECT ALL THE TIME. RIGHT NOW I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN IN ORDER TO PISS YOU OFF AND HURT YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE HURT ME AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!!

I AM ONLY ONE PERSON. AND I AM 16. DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE PERFECT, TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT, OR TO EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO. I FUCK UP. GET USED TO IT. I AM NOT MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT LIKE YOU ARE, AND YOUR IDEA OF PERFECTION IS ONLY HURTING ME.

IF YOU DON'T WANT ME HERE ANYMORE, THEN TELL ME. I WILL GO SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT I CAN'T STAND TO HAVE THE ONE PLACE I THOUGHT I COULD GO TURN INTO SOMETHING WHERE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME HOME. IF I WANTED THAT, THEN I COULD JUST MOVE BACK TO MY DADS.

SPEND ONE DAY IN MY HEAD. JUST ONE. I ENCOURAGE YOU. THEN YOU CAN TELL ME DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, AND I'LL DO IT WITH NO HESITATION. BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO STEP INTO MY SHOES, AND LIVE MY LIFE FOR A DAY.

I CAN GUARANTEE YOU'LL BE RUNNING AWAY LIKE YOU NEVER KNEW ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE, AND STOP PUSHING ME.

I

AM

GOOD

ENOUGH

AND

I

DON'T

NEED

TO

PLEASE

ANYONE

BUT

MYSELF

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN I'LL FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE.

Not titled

So I just realized something.... and it kinda made me a wee bit mad. All the people that say you should love your body and love yourself, they aren't like everyone else.
I mean, you never hear a normal sized or slightly overweight person telling people to be okay with yourself! No. It's always the people who don't NEED to change to be what society thinks is good, or what they themselves think is good. I just don't get it, and honestly, it's all starting to sound like a bunch of bullshit. I don't agree with it, and while I don't disagree with it either, I think there needs to be some perspective. It's just so damn frustrating to always hear someone who's skinny to tell you to "Be okay with yourself, love yourself." I swear, if you were in anyones position but your own, you would not be saying that!!!!! It's just a bunch of bullshit!!!!!
Sorry, i'm slightly irritated and pissed off right now, but I had to get that off my chest. Because I swear, I was gonna explode if I didn't.

Anyways, I've decided to try something. If everyone says that people and models in magazines are altered, that they're the impossible to attain, then there is a test that it should pass. I don't know the name of the philosopher that came up with it, but it seemed legit to me, so I shall try it. (: Maybe that will help a little.
Sorry I had to rant here...... Just getting my thoughts out.

Contemplation.... ?

So in Marching band at school, someone dropped out of the Colorguard, so the director is now begging me to join.
I was originally in the Marching Band, but then I had to drop out before the season actually got started. So it's not like the show was effected because of me. But now she wants me to do it, and honestly, I want to but I don't.

I want to do it because that way I can see for sure if I like it or not, it would be good to put on a college application, and besides, if I 'd be able to help, then I'd love it. I mean, everyone says they hate Marching Band, but can you really? I mean I'd kinda like to know what it's like.

I don't want to do it because I don't really have the money for the uniform, I'd have to learn all the drill really fast, which is hard to do. I also don't want to do it because I'm enjoying my time not doing it, as I start Colorguard in December. I mean that's when Marching Band ends, but can I do it?  It's really confusing.

Besides, everyone in my house is angry and fighting right now, because things are conflicting. They're really stressed out, and I feel like I should be staying out of the way, almost like I'm invisible.
I don't want to be the cause of any more stress for my family, because then I'm going to get stressed. And if that happens, then everything starts going down hill.
But at the same time, I really want to help out and be there for my guard, they're my second family. And I'd love to do Colorguard, it helps me get back in shape, as well as takes my focus off of some stressful things. But on the other hand it can be stressful in itself.
School really isn't an issue, because it's easy right now, when Winter guard starts though, that's when hell starts.

Anyways, this is all just ramble.. I'm just a wee bit confused, not sure what would be a good choice here. I am too tired to think, so I am just going to go to bed, maybe tomorrow it will make more sense.... Night.

Day 29: A picture of your pets and describe them!

I have two dogs, a whit German Shephard husky mix, and the other is a black and white Malamute Husky mix. They are mother and son, the white one (Nikki) being the mother. The son is named Bigboy, and they are the best dogs in the world!!! (:

My puppies!!! :D

INSPIRATION!!!

THIS MADE MY DAY!!!! :D

Everyone deserves to be loved, to be happy, to have a chance to live their life on their own terms. Nobody is worthless, degradable, or a piece of shit. EVERYONE is AMAZING. In your own individual way. Never let anyone tell you otherwise!!! (:

I'm so excited!

So it's almost September which means......... *30 Day Fitness Challenge*!!!!!! I can't wait!!! I am so excited that i'm tempted to start it now, but that wouldn't work would it, because it's not September! I seem to be doing a lot better now, and I just wanted to put it out there.
Last night I rant the mile in 21 minutes!!!!! Sure, not a great time, but I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!! Before, I couldn't even run a mile!!!! :D And even though i'm not losing any weight, i'm still gonna try, because I know that I will, and it's also the perfect way to get in shape and get healthy! My eating habits are still a little wonky, but i'm working those out!!!
School is going great! I get so excited to go to Psychology, even though my teacher doesn't really make sense to me.... He said something about sex that I find really interesting though, in that you can have a fear of your sexuality or being sexual if you don't "Get enough boob" as he put it, or if you get too much. But it's such a small window, that it's hard to reach. Haha there was no importance to that, other than I found it interesting. I am kinda excited for Chemistry, but already we've got a test that I am so not looking forward to.. I suck at taking tests, even if I know the material. All of my other classes are going well, except there's really nothing special about them. So they don't get to be mentioned =P
My room got moved, so now I actually have my own room instead of a room where people always want to be. Like I get my own space, and it's kinda nice. Only I know how much trouble they had to go through to get it for me, and I feel kinda bad about it. But this is a happy post, so I can express all my happiness that I feel right now!
Last night, I was feeling the need to move, so I waited till it got almost dark and then I went for a run.... something I never do! But it felt amazing, and though I had a little trouble because of my asthma, I loved running. I even ran a mile in under 21 minutes!!! I mean, okay, that's not a great time, but that fact that I could even run it made me so proud!!! Now it's time to start working on the time for it, see what I can get it up to. I mean god, if I had known before how much fun running can be when you actually want to do it, instead of needing to, i'd have started a long time ago!!!
And with having an off hour in the morning, that means I get to sleep in for an extra hour if I wish, or on block days, I get to sleep in an extra 2 hours, if I so wish! Of course, there are more productive things I can do, such as homework, hanging out with friends, writing, reading, etc. All things I enjoy doing, and now I have even more time to do it! It's really nice, because then I don't have to get too stressed about school, or like if I need extra time to complete an assignment? Then I have it, and I don't have to majorly stress.
Today has been such an amazing day, and I just want to revel in it and be happy! I'm soo close to September, to getting what I want! And I can do it. I know that I can. I am strong enough.

Day 28: Something you could never get tired of doing.

I could NEVER in a million years get tired of  listening to music. It is my favorite thing to do. Every chance I get, I've got my headphones in and my music blasting, and i'm either singing along, or dancing, or both :D
I never get tired of it, music is for everything. I love to play music, listen to music, etc. Though I have no ability to write music. Yet. :D :D I can't live without it.

So scared....

I ate so much food today, and I felt horrible doing it! It was all such in a short period of time I don't even want to get into it!!! But I wanted to throw up the entire rest of the day, and I would have, if people weren't for them being here. That's what scares me... And then I felt really bad about it and my brother came in and asked if I wanted to smoke weed with him... and so I agreed because for me, when i'm high, I don't feel insecure, and I don't feel bad about myself... That's all I wanted to do... I just wanted og feel beter and since people all have their own problems, I didn't want to make them deal with my own.
And really, I didn't want to talk to anybody, because i'm tired of having people there and  have them be nice to me. Does that amke any sense?
Anyways, I got high, and it was supposed to help suppress my appetite, but then something happened and all I can remember is somewhat putting a piece of meat on bread with mayonnaise and then me purging it... I can't believe this and now I can't stop crying and there's nobody to talk to and I hate myself.
That's the biggest thing.... Ic an't believe I purged... I can't believe it... I hate myself for this... How could I .. I was supposed to be stronger than this!!! I don't want to be Bulimic! And now my throat burns.... and I can't  breathe because i'm crying so much and I wish I could get help... I thought that I was doing so well.... what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!? I don't even deserve to be here... i'm a waste of space and I hate myself..... I'm so fat.... I hate that I got high, I hate that I lost control, and I hate that I lost control again!!! D: I hate this.... Goodnight everyone.... Fuck this... I'm so tired of this... I can't stop crying,...

Anticipating!

I know this is probably not going to make any sense, but I can't wait for September 1st. Why? Because that's when I officially start my 30 Day Fitness Challenge. I am actually really too lazy to exercise now, and I guess that's reflecting on my eating habits because I ate a shit ton today. I mean that's pretty much all I did, and that's not allowed..... I mean nobody should eat that much. I don't even want to think about what I ate, because it's horrible. I was not hungry at all today, but I still ate loads. Why? Because I was bored, and I have no willpower.
And now, my brain wont shut up and I keep hearing a constant stream of "How could you eat that, you're going to gain a lot of weight! You worthless piece of shit, you don't deserve to be here. Nobody wants you here, they all feel ashamed to see you because you're so fat! I mean what do people think of them when they walk around in public with you?! You're pathetic!" and other things. It's great, so naturally, I want to throw up. I almost did earlier, and I've had to keep myself busy and doing things in order not to. That coupled with the fact that someone would hear me if I did, since they are near, kept me okay. But I hated it. Every minute of it. And still I ate.
I couldn't see any way to get out of it, and I'm quite ashamed to admit.... I eat when I get bored. That's just what I do. Or maybe it's a Bulimic thing? I need to change that if I ever hope to lose weight and reach my goal. Plus, my grandma gets mad at me for being on the computer so much, because she thinks I spend too much time here. But what am I supposed to tell her? That writing keeps me sane? That it's my coping mechanism? That I love to read the blogs that I follow? I can't.
If I ever told her any of that, she'd want to know what I'm writing about, or what I write on. And she doesn't know anything. Nothing, and I'd like to keep it that way. I mean, even now, when I'm "Good" they get upset over the smallest things, or they tell me that I should do this or that, because they don't have the money, and then I just want to disappear. To shrink smaller and smaller until I can slip through the cracks in the floor. To just be invisible. Because I hate stressing them out. So they can't know about any of this.
I kinda think I need a therapist though. Like a real psychotherapist, because I know people say they don't do much, or that they only repeat back to you what you put out, but somehow they always end up helping you. They end up making you realize things about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise, or that would take you much longer to figure out. At the same time, however, I don't want one, because to me that means dependence, and letting someone in, and to be honest, I'm so tired of hearing my story told over and over and over again. I'm nothing special. The only thing that I could ever see good about getting a therapist, is that maybe then they could help me figure out my own head, but really, that doesn't even seem legit.
I'm setting a goal, or rather multiple goals. This might bother some of the people that read this post, and if it does, I'm really sorry. But by October 1st, 2012, my goal is to weigh 170 lbs. By December 1st 2012, my goal is to weigh 150. Then by my birthday, February 13th, 2013, my goal is to weigh 130, and then to maintain that weight. If I go a little lower, as in 120, then that's all the better. But my ultimate goal weight is 130, for now. And this time I am going to do my best to do it the healthy way, through exercise and healthy diet. Not by binging, purging, restricting, and self harm. That way doesn't work, it will never work, and I don't want to ever go back.
Besides, I really want to get into the habit of loving running again, though I don't know if I can. I mean, I do have asthma, so that would impact it a little bit, but I still want to be able to. And if I can get to my goal weight, then I intend on getting a gym membership, but only as I will be sure to use it. I know that everyone says weighing less isn't the key to being okay with myself, or loving myself but here's the fact of the matter. Everything I can see myself doing, loving, etc, it all starts with my weight. I refuse to run unless I lose weight, I refuse to eat 3 times a day, unless I lose more weight, and I refuse to give up this fight, until I get to my goal weight. I am stubborn about everything, except this. I can't stick to it like I wish I could, and there's really nobody to support me through this. Any of my family members can't, because they make me nervous, and uncomfortable, and none of my friends think Bulimia is legit.
I mean I told about two of them, but they never took it seriously. Or I don't feel like they did. I lied to them once, said that I was doing better, just to see, and they both believed me. They didn't ask anything else, and they dropped the subject. I mean, Bulimia may not show major signs, like severe weight loss, or anything like that, but that doesn't mean that it can't be real. But I feel like it would be a little better, because then I'd actually have someone to talk to about this stuff, someone who actually cares. But what's done is done, I guess. I can't change it, and really, neither of them care. I don't really care. But I can't wait until I start getting healthier!!! :D
Well this is pretty much all I have to say, I'm really quite tired, as I have school tomorrow. So I think that I am going to go to bed, or maybe. I actually have some stuff to do first, but goodnight on here. (:

Day 27: My favorite musician and why?

I have a lot of favorite musicians.... But here's the top two! (:

1. Demi Lovato. I know that a lot of people don't like her, that they think she has a cookie cutter image, or that she just doesn't act real. But I love her and her music because it's not lyrics about falling in love, or getting heartbroken. Everyone can sing about that. But Demi has a lot of emotion in her music, and it's real to the point that you can see it. I don't know how to explain it, but I just love her!

2. Ozzy Osborne. He is amazing, I love his music. I grew up with his music, and his rock. I am not entirely sure what it is that I love about him, but I can remember back when I was really little, the first song I ever loved by him was "Dreamer". I memorized the lyrics to that song, and I sung it everywhere I went. It was my favorite song because it described exactly where I wanted to be, what I thought of the world in a way that even I couldn't think of at the time. This is gonna sound really cliche, but it spoke to me. It meant something to me, and to this day, I listen to and love that song.

Ranting

So i'm  kinda irritated and I don't know why. Like I asked my grandma if I handed her a piece of paper on Friday that I needed, and she wanted to know what it was for. She didn't want to answer my question, and then I got irritated and we started yelling at each other. It's great. Not.
I have a really stupid reason for writing this post. It's because I ate a hamburger and some baked beans about 2 hours ago, but i'm hungry again. I don't understand it. And also, I eat when I get bored, and i'm bored since I ran out of things to clean. Weird, huh? I clean when I get really happy, at least I think that's why I want to clean sometimes. But anyways, I know that I will go out into the kitchen and get something to eat, and I don't want that, because logically, I am not hungry. I ate today, somewhat. I had pancakes for breakfast, and then a extra small oreo blizzard for brunch. But when I went to the wedding, I ate some chips and salsa, a ham sandwich, and like 2 bites of potato salad. Then for dessert, I ate 2 cupcakes. Then for dinner I had a hamburger and some baked beans. Now, this is not to say that I am anxious about eating all of that, or that I shouldn't have eaten it. I wanted to and I was hungry at the times of eating. It's just that now i'm hungry again, and I have no right to be. I ate all my meals, I gave my body what it needed. So I shouldn't be hungry.
I also went to a wedding today, for an old friend of mine. She looked so beautiful in her dress, and seeing how happy she was with her, well that almost made me cry. It was so amazing, she had truly found someone she loved, and it was beautiful. They've been together since high school, so a total of five years. They are proof that not everything changes after high school. And her dance with him, it was so sweet. They had these little bells, where every time you rung one, they had to kiss, so it was kinda funny because little kids would get ahold of the bells and they would ring it and ring it, which meant that she and her husband had to kiss. (: I could keep on going, but that's all for now. I'm really tired, but I had to write it down, because it was one the best days ever, though I can't explain why. Sorry for the rant. =P

Day 26: If you had $1,000,000 to spend, how would you spend it?

Hmm, first i'd buy me some music off of Itunes (:
Then i'd probably put about $300,000 aside for college, a car, a place to live.
Then i'd give some to my grandma, to pay her back for taking care of me, and the rest would go to charity.

Sorry there's not much detail, i'm tired as crap. Good night.

Fitness Plan! (:

So I know that I've wanted to get into shape and lose weight the healthy way for a while now. and I've got a goal for it. But the other day, I found this blog with a "30 Day Fitness Challenge" and thought I should give it a shot. It might help me kick start my exercise, and hey, maybe even give me some ideas. This way, it's kinda like a warm up before I actually start working out, but not at the same time, y'know?
I thought about posting it here, but I don't know if that would bother anyone, and that's something I don't want to do. So I think I'm going to start this 30 Day Fitness Challenge and either keep it in a journal for my eyes only, or keep it on here as a draft, so that it's still private, and it can't hurt anyone. At the end, I may think about posting my results, and my comments day by day. That would include weight loss.... Comment, please, if it would bother you.

Not feeling good.. :/

I know that i've been kinda stressed out in school, so I haven't really been eating breakfast or lunch... I usually eat a snack after school at like 4, then have lunch at like 7. But today, I can't seem to get full. Or at least to the point where I don't feel really hungry. It's kinda shitty, because thanks to that, i've eaten a lot today. I got home at about 5, and I had some turkey with gravy. Then I waited a half an hour, and ate another serving, since I felt like I was gonna puke. That didn't help. And so now i'm eating a ham sandwich, hopefully then I won't be hungry.
I understand that skipping breakfast and lunch is really bad, and I don't mean to do it, sometimes. So maybe this reaction today is just my bodies way of telling me that it needs more food? I don't know, but I don't particularly like it.
The only things i've eaten today besides that is coffee this morning, and then I had some laffy taffy for "Lunch". And then I was hungry and shaky the rest of the day. It was like a sugar rush, but I don't get those. So i'm trying to feed my body, give it the energy it lost. And I know that all this food sabotaged my diet, and I hate it, because now we're back to being anxious again. What is wrong with this? I didn't eat a whole lot more than I normally do, and besides, my body needed the energy.
Not sure what's going on here.... I wish that I did though. I'm not anxious because of the food, but I still feel kinda nautious..... like I do when I don't eat... Hm.

Day 25: Something that you miss

Hmm... Something I miss..... Does Cimiron count?
If he does, then he's the one person I miss right now.

If he doesn't then uhh..... I miss summer. I miss being able to sleep in, I miss being able to go to bed late, hanging out with friends, going to Denver, not worrying about anything. I miss being so free, and with the start of school, it also means that Winter will be around soon, and that means cold.
I like cooler weather, but not cold weather. I don't know why.

Day 24: Your favorite movie, and what's it about?

My favorite movie hands down is V for Vendetta. If you've never seen it, here's a short summary.
A shadowy freedom fighter known only as "V" uses terrorist tactics to fight against his totalitarian society. Upon rescuing a girl from the secret police, he also find his best chance at having an ally.

Everything (^-^)

I haven't posted in a while, other than the 30 Day challenge thing.

So I thought I'd just spill everything, so that I can share with the world my amazing-ness. Just kidding, I'm not that conceded... but here's everything!
So school has started, and I love Psychology. My teacher makes everything so much fun, and he's teaching me things about myself that I never would have thought would be true. But after thinking about it actually, I found that there is a lot of truth to it. It's interesting.
Other than that, I'm not too excited with my classes. They're all normal Junior classes, and though Chemistry is kinda cool, I don't really like the teachers. And liking the teachers = liking the class. So that's not going to happen. I can tolerate it for a year though. I have to. Senior year will be different.
I slept in this morning, because I didn't have to be at school until about 8, and I've found out that sleeping in is a really bad idea, because then when I get up, I'm so disoriented that I can't think straight, and I often forget things. Today wasn't a bad day at all, and neither was yesterday.
Both days I haven't really thought about my weight. Though I'm kinda playing a game. I'll let you in on what it is, so long as you don't judge me for it, or make me stop.
Here's the game. In the morning, I usually put a snack in a baggie, today it was some Cheetos and some crackers. And since I hate eating lunch at school, thanks to the fact that the cafeteria is busy as hell, and that I hate social situations. So I've been eating breakfast, usually because I'm forced to by my grandparents, and then I skip lunch. Now, lunch is usually at like 10:45 in the morning for me, so that's a bit early to eat lunch. And I knew that I couldn't eat during any of my classes, so then after school, only then was I able to eat it. But the feeling of being hungry between then, well I can't say I didn't like it. I felt really light, like I could do anything. And now I'm about to head off to eat dinner, because while I may have skipped breakfast and lunch, I know that I need to eat, so I shall.
I found this blog, written by a girl my age, who has been struggling with Bulimia as well. She isn't sure if she wants to recover, and she is having a really hard time breaking the cycle of Binging and Purging. I know exactly how that is, as I was there not too long ago. It's kinda nice to find someone my age, who's in the same stuck place as me, and who gets it. I mean, I'm on my way to recovery, and finally being healthy.
I've decided to try a diet, to try to get to the weight that I want to be at, without doing it the unhealthy way. This is going to be difficult, but I can do it. And then once I set something up, I will be in the perfect place to start running, and doing cardio as well as other working out stuff. I shall get in shape! And now, I have a larger motivation! I can do it!
I don't exactly know what is different about this year, but I find it easier to be open, more friendly. I am helping strangers, I feel more giving, less like I have to be alone. Maybe it's because I don't have to hide anymore, but I also think that it is because I'm finally beginning to set some goals for myself. I am getting somewhere, and that is amazing. I am excited for school, and I hope that it goes well, as colleges are going to be looking at me soon. I am very bad at taking tests, but maybe when I get to the ACT/SAT point, I'll be better. I sure do hope so.
That's what I've been up to recently, and I hope this good mood can continue. Other than my game at school, and in the mornings, I haven't thought about weight, but when I have, it's been positive, as I am excited to start my exercise. That's a nice change, and I hope it sticks!
How is everyone else's day? If you read my blog and want to comment. Nobody has, and I feel a little weird asking it. But oh well, it's said and done! I'd love to hear about what other people are up to xD

Day 23: 20 Random Facts About You

1. I love cheesecake, even though it's bad for you :D
2. My favorite color is yellow.
3. My middle name is Jazzman.
4. I open up to people pretty easily, and I hate it!
5. I cannot hold a grudge to save my life.
6. I'm 5'8" tall, I think.
7. I've never tried Frozen Yogurt.
8. I love to say Yogurt in a British accent. :D
9. I technically died when I was five, while at the Dentist.
10. Due to fact number 9, I am inadvertently TERRIFIED of going to the dentist, to this day.
11. I love to read.
12. I have horrible balance, and therefore trip over my feet about 20 times a day.
13. You wouldn't believe it from looking at me when i'm with my friends, but i'm horribly shy, and I hate social situations unless I have a friend there.
14. I often get irritated with people who can't have an actual conversation with me.
15. I wish I owned a Puffer fish. Better known as a blowfish.
16. I am an amazing liar, but I never lie to people that really matter to me. Which is like 2 people. If you lie to me though, I may just give up on not lying to you.
17. My favorite letter of the alphabet is E.
18. I don't really have a religion, but if I had to have one, then i'd say that i'm Wiccan. I do practice occasionally, but not every day.
19. I love to dance in public, even though I can't dance to save my life!
20. I never cry when i'm upset or sad. I only cry if i'm pissed off. And rarely am I ever mad enough to cry.

Day 22: Bullet your whole day!

My day wasn't too interesting, seeing as I had school, but here it goes.

• Woke up at 6 am. Got dressed.
• Ate some cheerio's for breakfast.
• Packed all my stuff for school.
• Went in and said hi to my puppy.
• Grabbed my Ipod and left for school.
• Got to school and walked inside to the Counseling Office to change my Schedule.
• Then realized I couldn't change anything, so I went to the rest of my classes.
• Left school and went to the store to get some sandals to wear to a friends wedding this weekend. (:
• Got home, was hungry so I ate some grapes, and some cheese and crackers.
• Got on the computer, and started writing my story, writing a blog post, and talking to Cimiron.
• Ate Dinner. I had noodles, with Garlic Bread.
• Read a book called Stick Figure: A Diary Of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb.
• Took a shower.
• Heading off to bed to get up early in the morning for school! Yay! (:

Amazingness!

Today was an amazing day!!! My psychology teacher gave us a test in which we had to answer a bunch of questions, and it was so easy to over think them, so I only got 3/20. But it was so much fun, and since it didn't actually count as a grade, I had a lot of fun! I can't wait to take his class! And chemistry was amazing too, we got to play with chemicals, so that was kinda nice!
I'm doing my best to not be so anti-social, which is working out pretty well! Haha people keep looking at me weird, because I say the weirdest things, but hey, it's good to stand out! I also wore bright red pants today, and a Bob Marley shirt, and people kept asking me if they could buy it... It was weird, but I loved it! I love this school year!! And it's only the second day!! Well that's really all I have to say for today, maybe i'll write more tomorrow! (:

Day 21: A photo of something that makes you happy!

Hmm...... What makes me happy?

A LOT OF THINGS!!!! Here's a few!

MY VIOLIN!!!!! I love my violin so much!

Music ALWAYS makes me happy!!!

Beaches are very nice, you can't not smile at the view! (:

Chocolate covered peanuts.... :D

I've never been a huge chocolate fan, I mean I love love love Reese's!!! But otherwise, I don't eat too much chocolate.
But today, I got some Chocolate Covered Peanuts, and I couldn't stop eating them! They are SO good, and they made me smile!!!! I ate them so quickly, I didn't even realize! Then I proceeded to steal some of my grandpa's since I wanted more! Right before dinner time too!
Haha they are my new weakness, and they are also my new favorite candy/snack!!!! They aren't the best for me, but I don't care!!!! They are so yummy, and they make me happy because I just want to smile when I'm eating them. The best part?!?!? THEY'RE ONLY A DOLLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I cannot tell you how happy that makes me, and though it probably doesn't matter to the world, I just wanted to share that. (:

First day of the best year of my life!

I am so excited for this school year! It's gonna be amazing, I'm gonna be a new person, I've got things to look forward to, and it's gonna be great! I no longer have to worry about my ED, well mostly, I can be myself, and not the antisocial person I was before!

I have Colorguard, which is going to be amazing, because this season we've got a bunch of new people! Though that doesn't start till December.

I have my friends, who I can have a great time with, even the ones that are far away! 

And I have myself, my music, and I'm determined to be happy!

I am going to live this year for myself, so that I don't have to regret my High School Years! I am making this my time, and I'm gonna love it! :D

I'm even making myself some french toast, since it sounded yummy!!!! It's got Cinnamon in it!!!! Today is going to be great! :D I can already tell!

So excited to be a JUNIOR!!! I'm finally an upperclassman, but I'm not gonna be a bully about it. I'm just gonna enjoy it! I've even got Sociology and Psychology, as well as Forensic Science to look forward too!

Day 20: The reason behind your blog name!

There wasn't really ever any reason behind my blog name, actually, other than just wanting to make it as much me as possible. My blog was created as a space to vent, to put it all out there, so that when I look back over it, I can see where I've been, how I've changed, how I handled certain situations. I guess that was just my way to creatively name my blog, and now it is where it is. (:

What is recovery??

I can't remember a time when I was ever "Happy" about food, or when I didn't skip meals. I can't remember a time when I didn't wish I looked different, or was happy and okay with my body. I have never truly seen someone who's been in my place recovered so that they are okay with who they are. The people in my life  who weigh a normal weight, and who don't hate themselves day in and day out, still say that they need to lose weight, that they don't like the way they look, that they're ugly. Well I think, if they're ugly, what am I?

I used to eat food like any normal person, and I can't really ever remember when it stopped. I can't remember ever not hearing "You could lose a few pounds" or "That doesn't look good on you." or even "You need to watch your weight; we should go on a diet". I can't remember ever being okay with my body, accepting who I was. I had my good days, yes, but I always thought about what I ate, how to exercise more, and I always hated my body.

My dad used to say when I was growing up, "If you don't like what's being served, then don't eat it." and I knew that if I didn't eat what was served, then I wasn't going to eat that meal. So I skipped meals all growing up. And I skipped meals because I was tired of eating the same food over and over and over. That was also the example I got from my dad. He would say that he was tired of eating the same food over and over, or that he was tired of eating in general. And he would skip meals. But that didn't mean he had an Eating Disorder, no. So it seemed okay for me to do it.

It seems easier for people who have been okay with their body and then developed an Eating Disorder to recover, because they have a right example. They know what it is they are trying to get back to. I've never had that, not since I was 10, and to be honest, I don't really remember much before that age. I remember where I must have been, but nothing specific to that place. And therefore, to me, it's always going to be that I have to think about what I eat, that I can never be okay with my body, with my weight, unless I'm weighing a healthy weight... I mean I know that I'm overweight, so that's okay for me to want to weigh less, but why can't I be okay with my weight?

I've never officially been diagnosed with Anorexia or Bulimia. I diagnosed myself when I broke down and told a close friend what I was doing, and she in turn told her grandma. Her grandma and her both said that I had Bulimia, and that it needed to stop. They tried to help me get better, stop feeling so bad. But it was mostly on my own, since I couldn't tell my dad why I needed to walk with them 3 times a week after dinner. Or why I wanted to eat dinner at their house. So that kinda fell apart. And when I moved to my grandma's, well then it got really hard. I can exercise anytime I want, or not eat whenever I want.

I have my brother now to tell me that it's okay, and to talk to when I need someone and don't want to reach out to a friend. But though I no longer binge, and I try not to purge (Which I've been successful with 98% of the time) does that mean I'm recovered? Because I still get depressed, I still skip meals when I don't feel good about myself, I still cry about my weight, I still weigh myself every day, and the amount of food I eat still depends on my weight. I still want to lose weight, I'm still not good enough, and I still have anxiety after eating, so does that mean that I'm not recovered?

I wish many times that I had a therapist, or that someone could just tell me what the next step is, but the fact is, that requires people knowing about my Bulimia, my self harm, my depression. And I don't want them to. That would take away my independence, my strength. That would cause unneeded anxiety for my family, and besides, I really think I can do this on my own, but only if I know where to go.

I also have resorted to self harm only twice since I stopped over a year and a half ago. Both were resulting of fights with my dad, and the fact that I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone. Both times afterward, I hated myself, refused to talk to anyone about it, lied when I got asked about it. And though there was one person each time that knew the truth no matter what I said, they never did anything. I don't expect them to, that's not their job, but I can't help wishing someone would have looked me in the eyes, and made me tell them about it, and then offered me help. Or even given me an alternative.

As I have said before in this blog, nobody in my life has ever really acknowledged that I was depressed, that I may have needed help. Nobody has ever told me that it's okay to not be okay. Nobody in my life has been where I'm at in any way at all. And in a way, I like that. I don't want someone to always say that, or even to have said it at all. I can see both sides of the spectrum, and therefore they shouldn't need to say it, but I've grown comfortable with having people not caring, or not looking too closely, and I don't want that to change.. I guess the point of mentioning that here, was just that it doesn't seem like anyone ever cared enough to look. I know that I have the ability to lie about things and get people to believe me, but I don't believe that I was that good of a liar. I don't think I want someone to say this, or do this now, because it doesn't really matter, but if it didn't, would I still be thinking about it now? So then I guess it does matter.

Every time someone even brings up the topic of weight, diet, food, or anything similar to it, all I can think about is how fast I can get away, how I don't want to discuss it. But that is supposed to be a "Safe" topic, or so I've read about recovered Bulimics. So again, does that mean I'm not recovered?

I don't even know where I'm going, what to do next, how to be healthy, what to do. I'm just stuck. I don't even know what being "Recovered" means. I mean I know it's different for everyone, but there's gotta be some similarities between each and every one, right? And I will admit, there is a part of me that doesn't want to get better, because I still weigh more than I should, or more than I want to. For me, I've always had the thought that if I weigh what is considered "Healthy" for a 5'8" teenager, then I'd be okay, I'd be happy. But I don't know how to get there, seeing as regular dieting isn't helping. I don't know, some days I can be happy about my weight and how I look, and others, I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror.

I still get really upset over little things people say that they "don't mean", but to me, that's justified. Maybe what I'm wishing for here isn't real. Maybe it isn't something that can be fixed, or achieved, however you look at it. Maybe I'm doomed to this life, feeling this way. But I don't want to be. Some days, I feel like I'm recovered, like I can do it. Like I'm okay. Then other days, I feel like I'm back in square one, and like I might as well just give up the fight.

I keep fighting for "Recovery", and hoping to get there, but I don't know what that is, what my next step is, what I can do, where to go, how to do it. Every day I wonder the same question....

WHAT IS RECOVERY???

Summer!!

Summer has gone by too fast. And though I enjoyed going to Elitches, riding roller coasters, watching movies, hanging out with Cimiron, I wish that it wouldn't end.
This summer has been the best summer I've ever had, and I never want it to end!!!!! I've become carefree over the summer, realized I wanted to be spontaneous, gone to Denver and had a hell of a time, gotten closer to people I almost pushed away, and all in all, made this summer something I will never forget! (: It's great, and I hope this greatness will continue when I start school on Monday. I don't really want to go, but at the same time, it's the most important year of my High School, and the most important step for getting into college!!!!

It's just been a bunch of fun, and I've done a bunch of things I never would have thought I would do. I've become a stronger person, for everything I've done, everything I've lost, and everything I've won. (That rhymed.... whoa.) I loved this summer, have done the best that I can, and I hope that I can continue on that road!

Day 18: A book you could read over and over again and never get tired of

That's easy! I could easily read Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon over an over and over again, without ever getting tired of it!

Day 17: A picture of your celebrity crush and why you like them

I guess if I had to pick one, it would have to be Adam Lambert. I love his music, who he is, just him in general. :D

Day 16: Your highs and lows of this past year

Hmm... that's hard. I guess you could say that there is so many, that it's hard to choose which to put down. Or the most important I guess.

Highs:
1. Starting recovery from Bulimia
2. Getting to spend a summer with Cimiron
3. Not getting a job!
4. Getting to hang with my friends.
5. Dying my hair purple and Blue :D :D :D
6. Getting to be my wild, crazy, immature, spontaneous self!!! (:
7. Getting over my fear of rollercoasters :D

Lows:
1. Still struggling with Bulimia.
2. Cimiron leaving.
3. Not getting a job.
4. School starting again.
5. Getting kicked out of my house.


That's just a few, there's more, but I guess those are the most important ones.

Mistakes or wishes?

Sometimes there's things we want, and we do almost anything to get them. Sometimes they seem as if they're a trick, or an escape from reality? But is that true? And when you finally fulfill it, does it become a mistake or are you still wishing for the next time?

That's hard to determine in the difference. When you do it once, and then you consider it a mistake, but you wish for it to happen at the same time, is it ever really a mistake anymore? Do you really wish for it? Because it can't be both, it's gotta be one way or the other. Its' confusing to try to determine that.

I don't know where I'm going with this... but can something be a wish and a mistake at the same time? How do you determine and handle that?

Guess we can't be doing that anymore, because I'm afraid of messing up some more. It might ruin everything, but at the same time, I'm wishing for it all the same. It's weird.... And I don't think it's possible to have both at the same time...

Day 15: Something you don't leave your house without

I never leave my house without a few things.

• My phone. (In case my ipod dies)
• My ipod.
• Pants.
• A shirt.
• A smile.

These are the things I cannot leave my house without. I have to have my music, because that is what I do. I always have a song for everything in my life, and music is my life. (:

No idea what to say

So far today, I've not had one bad thought about myself, or what I've eaten. I haven't been anxious, or upset. I'm just kind of relaxed. I want to plug in my headphones, sing at the top of my lungs, be happy. I don't care about exercising, how much I weigh, how big I am.

I JUST DON"T CARE!! :D

Today is going to be a good day, and I'm gonna enjoy it. It's pretty nice outside, I might go read, or write a letter to my brother. It is getting easier, to have these moments, and I enjoy every one of them. I think life is better for a recovered anorexic than it is for anyone else... Because they have come out of the darkest place you can be, and they have to learn to be okay with themselves. They accept who they are, where as most normal people still can't. Not saying they're better because they were anorexic, just that they have a different point of view.... One I admire so much. I hope that one day I can beat my Bulimia, and be okay with myself.

And today is the first day of my new life. (:

You and me

"If I was a flower growing wild and free, all i'd want is you to be my sweet honeybee. And if I was a tree growing tall and green, all i'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves."
"If you were a wink, then i'd be a nod, if you were a seed, well i'd be a pod. If you were the floor then i'd wanna be the rug, and if you were a kiss then I know i'd be a rug."

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, still looking up. And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, i'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find. Cuz even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth, we've got a lot to learn, god knows we're worth it."
"I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily, I wanna stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot, to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, Yeah, we got a lot at stake, and in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intend, for us to work! We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn, how to bend, without the world caving in, and I won't give up!"

These songs fit my mood so much :D

Beautifully defeated

Today is not hot, it's around 73 degrees. It rained a little earlier, but now it's just overcast, yet not hot nor cold. It's perfect. It's beautiful.
I was out enjoying the day, I'm thinking about going for a run to just unwind... I just got back from my dad's and I'm so incredibly upset by seeing my room again, I'm practically shaking with rage and defeat. It feels like I lost, that he has everything. And I hate that. I don't exactly want to win, but I don't want to lose. I hate it!!!!! I want my life back, my freedom. I want my room, my stuff, and to not be so angry. But at the same time I want to be here because I want to be relaxed, not upset, to exercise, it's closer to school, etc. How do I win?

I don't know. I wish I did. Or that there could be someone who could point out the next step. Give me a hint. I don't know. I'm defeated right now, or stuck in this limbo. I hate it.

Well I'm gonna take a deep breath, go outside, maybe go for a run before I eat lunch, if I eat lunch. There's not a lot of healthy food around here at the moment, and that's kinda irritating. I just want to chill out, relax. Maybe it'll get better later. I don't really know.

Day 14: Your earliest memory..

Hmm.... That would be hard.....

I guess my earliest memory would be when I was about 5, and we were at my house. I was laying in the living room near a heater, because it was cold. I was building this castle type thing, and I was so proud. I went to put the last block on the top, and it fell over! D:
Hahah now I just laugh about it, but back then, it was the end of the world. I jumped to the floor, and started having the biggest temper tantrum I'd ever had. I was beating on the heater with my fists, throwing blocks across the room, crying, screaming, the whole ordeal. It was horrible, then at least. Now I just kinda laugh about it. (:

That's my earliest memory!

Day 13: A photo of somewhere you'd like to move or visit

I'd love to go to Hawaii.... Or even to New York... Here's some pictures! :D
I've actually visited Hawaii, that's where I got the photos, but i've never actually been to New York. (:

New York!!!

New York at Night!!

Beautiful Beach on Maui :D

Waterfall!! ^ ^

From the side of Mount Haleakala

Crater of a volcano!

MY BEAUTIFUL BEACH!!!!! I will see you again... soon...

No clue what to name this post..

Recently, I've been trying to not focus on the negative thoughts, and i'm mostly succeeding in that. But when I eat, I notice that I get full really fast, and then that's all I can focus on. How i'm full, and how I don't like it. I mean I don't want to be hungry, but just not full. Make any sense? Probably not. And then people look at me weird and wonder if there's a problem when I want to exercise right after that.

Thanks to my full feeling and the fact that I hate it, It's hard to tell if i'm eating enough. Because then I don't want to eat certain things, or they make me nervous. I know i'm not healthy, I've got some weight to lose in order to get there, but i'm trying to do it the healthy way. Any advice? I don't know what I should do. It's weird. And this is totally random.

The other day, I went to Denver with my best friend. It was partly to distract myself from how much I miss Cimiron already, but also because I just wanted to have fun. I didn't think about what I ate, but I wasn't hungry either. I didn't eat breakfast that morning, I woke up too late, but then I didn't eat lunch either. I just wasn't hungry. But I felt amazing yesterday. It was the best feeling in the world to walk around, to be a part of a busy city. And, I will admit. I felt a little reckless. I want to be stupid, but not too stupid. Y'know?

I mean this in the way of trying alcohol, trying pot (which I already did), though nothing heavier, getting lost somewhere, taking a spontaneous road trip, or doing something else that is spontaneous. I don't want to plan, but I don't know where i'm going either.

That's probably really stupid, seeing as i'm only a Junior in high school, but, hey, I've only got a short time before I have to grow up, and I want to take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything that will effect me negatively later, but I want to have fun. So that's what i'm gonna try to do. I just want to be random, and the best way to start that is.... Well there isn't one. Now i'm off to have some fun, and also gotta get up early to take a run. There's a meeting here tomorrow, and I want to be gone before it takes place. And since I got up at 5, after only sleeping for 3 hours, i'm a wee bit tired.

So goodnight!!! Have a wonderful night/day, and don't die!!! xD

Day 12: A photo of the town you live in

I went to Denver today, which is basically where I live, and took a ton of photos. I'll just post a few here for this!! It was a great day with my best friend!!

Robo Man!!!

Free Piano to play!!! :D

This is finally my town! Pretty Clock Tower!!

My best friend riding a buffalo!!

Another year...

Well tonight was my last night with Cimiron.... and now that he's leaving to go back to NY, it hurts worse than I thought it would. I love him so much, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and though I know he will be back, that doesn't stop my tears, or how much I'm gonna miss him......
I just want him to be here, I don't want him to be anywhere else, ever. I know that sounds kinda childish, but I love him with all of my heart... I am in love with him. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and a year seems so god damn far away.....
This summer was amazing, and the best summer I've ever had, but I don't want it to end.... I don't want to let him go, if for even a little while................ ='(

Day 11: Put your Ipod on shuffle and name the first 10 songs that pop up

Well, I'll do what the title says!!! Here it goes!

1. Pirouette by A Loss For Words
2. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
3. Pressure by Paramore
4. Follow The Signs by Born of Osiris
5. One Last Time by My Darkest Days
6. Broken Heart Still Beating by The Darlings
7. Whatever by Godsmack
8. Lost by Within Temptation
9. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
10. Perfect by Simple Plan

Well that's quite a variety of songs, hmm..... Ironically, all from my favorite bands!

Anywhere but here

Today I tried to talk to my grandma about living here, moving in permanently, or at least making a space that is my own. Because my room is the one place that I can be me, completely and entirely. The only place. I know that sounds weird, but I spent about 90% of my time in my room at my dads, all my music, creativity, poetry, books.... they're all there. And with my dad kicking me out, I lose that. I lose the one place I was happiest, second only to nature. But since I don't live around any beaches, forests, or mountains, I can't very well just walk outside when I need to think, and be there.
Anyways, I was talking to her about making a room here on my own, and she said that I shouldn't need to do that, because staying here is temporary. Which is ironic, because I'm here until I turn 18. I can't go back. I need to do what's best for me. I'm afraid of what I might do, if I go back. I'm afraid I might run away, and that would lead to bigger things, worse things. I'm afraid they'd just drag me back, that it would all be for nothing. And I'm also not ready to forgive my dad for anything he said, not for a long while. And I've got nothing but time. I have a year and a half until I turn 18. That's 18 months, 531 days, 12,744 hours, 764,640 seconds, and counting.
At first I thought that being here would help me, because then I can focus on getting better, not that they know about my ED, and I can be happy until I turn 18. But then earlier today, I was eating some crackers and cheese. Like just a little snack, because I was hungry, because I hadn't eaten any breakfast, though I wasn't hungry enough to eat a full meal, and she says "You should start watching your weight again. It looks like you're gaining weight." That just hit me, and I had already told her that weight, diet, exercise, was the one thing I refused to talk about. And she didn't listen. I didn't even have anything to say to her.
When I tried to talk to her last night as well about things my dad says, and how he makes me feel - that he isn't willing to change and I can't take it, she just said that I needed to quit being so stubborn, that I can do my part first and then maybe that would make him want to change. And that maybe that way could get better. But I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I'm tired of being hurt, and I doubt it would work anyways. It feels like everyone is trying to get ME to fix everything, and that though he has stuff he needs to change as well, it's up to me to initiate it. And I don't want that.
I don't even know what it was, but everything about this situation, it just made me burst into tears, and I couldn't even finish eating my snack. I was happy about myself today, I felt good, wasn't counting calories, or how much exercise I needed to do. It was my first taste of "Okay" or "Healthy" and it made me so happy. Then when she made that comment, I just got up, put my snack on the counter, grabbed my ipod, and walked out. I went walking, and I've been walking for the last hour. I just burst into tears, and I hate this. I never cry this much, and it makes me feel weak. I hate it because then I open up to people, and then I feel like they're gonna turn around and throw it back in my face. I don't want to get hurt.
I just want to be anywhere but here. My dad said that he didn't want me back, and now it's starting to feel like she doesn't want me here. I just hate this. I want to be 18 so that I can travel, be on my own. Maybe I could move to NY, and then I could be with Cimiron a little more, but also because I've always wanted to be there. If I'm on my own, then I don't need to depend on anyone, and nobody can hurt me. It would just be me, myself, and I. And I think that's the way it needs to be.

Besides, Cimiron is leaving today, and that makes me really sad. I love him so much, and this summer was a gift that meant everything to me. I can't wait until next summer, but at the same time, I don't want there to be a next summer. Instead, I just want there to be a now. I want him to be here, with me, so that I can be with him. Waiting a year is going to feel like a lifetime, and I don't want to wait. I know that there is nothing that I can do to change it, and I know that I will be okay waiting for a year, but that doesn't mean I want to let him go. It's gonna be hard, and tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend of mine, hopefully to take my mind off it. I just want to be happy, and right now, he's the only thing worth being happy about. The way I see it at least. But I also know that his life is up in NY, and that he had good reasons for moving there in the first place. I know that those reasons probably still apply, and I want him to be happy even if it means that he has to be far away. If he is happy, then I am happy, Well that's my rant for now, but I'm sure there will be more later. I just can't shake this feeling that I want to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. And I don't want to stay there for long, I want to travel, and I don't know. But it's time to get over it, pull myself together, and face the world. Crying about it isn't going to do anything to help me. So here I go....