I have to work in less than an hour and a half and I am kinda freaking out.
I have really been craving Meth recently, and I actually don't even know what to do about it. It started at work yesterday, and has just kinda spiraled from there.

I ate when I got off work last night, but am hungry now and if I don't eat now I won't be able to eat until I get off work at 11. I think I should make today a fasting day....
My boyfriend is donating plasma right now, and he has been in there for a while. I am really fucking hoping he gets out aoon so he can give me a ride to work because I am kind of far away right now. But I just feel rushed for time, and not excited to go to work at all. I really want a minute to breathe... but I don't feel like I have it. I don't have to work tomorrow, but I should be doing school and aye.

I have been kind of slacking on school recently. I did some, and these past few days I haven't done shit. Usually when I get off work I am too tired to do anything other than go straight to bed.
I guess it doesn't help that my compuyer just randomly started crashing... and I haven't had the time to get it fixed either. This is exactly what I was afraid of, not having enough time for anything.
I really want a day off of everything. A few days actually. I guess it will be better when i get paid, because then at least I have money. But even then, I don't get to stop.
Hence why I wish I had some up..

It's 1:30pm now and I have no way of knowing when my bf will be coming back out from donating plasma.... so i don't know if I should call my grandpa to come get me, or if I should just wait. I really don't want to call my grandpa.... and I really don't want to go to fucking work!

Aye.

Untitled

I'm hanging out at my best friend's house right now, with her boyfriend, his roommate, and my boyfriend.
For lack of things to do, my boyfriend decided to go try to ride a long board since he has never tried. So we all went because I happen to enjoy it too. But they all took off on boads and I didnt have one. And they kept riding, while I was just standing on the edge of the parking lot. Eventually I started to feel like shit, like I was being left out. So I went back inside and when I came back out they were nowhere to be found. So I got kinda pissed... Eventually they all came back, and just in time to go leave to go pick up my best friend from work! They are talking about wanting to ride later, and after I brought it up to my boyfriend he invited me along.
But if I go, then my best friend will be left alone and I can't do that to her. I actually feel pretty childish. Like a little kid who can't play with the popular kids.
It's pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I've fasted so far today, but now that I'm with my best friend, chances are she will get food and guilt me into eating. At least I can eat something low cal, AND I know I can burn it off. I didn't weigh today... but if I feel good enough, I will tomorrow.

Read All About It

I haven't posted much since the new year...

I started working at a restaurant recently, like within the last two weeks. At first the restaurant wasn't open, so it was just training. But then we had our grand opening and I expected it to be crazy, given the amount of people in my area who were excited for it to open.
There were a lot of people who showed up on the opening day, but overall it wasn't too crazy.
Since then I have been working about 40 hours a week, and I hope it stays that way. I need the money, at least for a month. Then they can cut my hours down.

I start school tomorrow too, so I have been prepping for that. I am going to try to finish the online course as soon as I can so I can register for the second course I need. After that, I will have my high school diploma, and I can go to college.

I feel super over sensitive, when it comes to my personal issues. It's like I want someone to tell me that things are getting bad, or to see it getting bad. Rather than me having to ask for help and explaining that it's gotten bad.
I want to be validated.
I was talking to a friend and mentioned the restaurant that I worked at. I mentioned that they had good food, and they inquired about my ED. I said it wasn't too bad, and this "friend" said "I'm glad it's not as bad as you were making it out to be at one point".... and I understand where he is coming from, but fuck. It is so triggering.
My ED is worse now than it was then, because I am a lot more deceptive now. I hide a lot more of my destructive habits now from those that wouldn't understand. I am self destructing in my own hell, and nobody can see it.

I am far from skinny though. I swear to fucking god, that is the only thing that will prove that I am not okay. The only way to ask for help is with my body. I guess I have to be in enough pain that it shows on the outside in order for me to get help.

There's this song called "Read All About It" by Emeli Sande and I just discovered this song today... but I have been listening to it on repeat for the entire morning. I love the lyrics.. and the melody of the song. This is where I originally found the song, but here are the lyrics.

I have also been reading a book called Tilt by Ellen Hopkins. She has written a number of books, and if you have never heard of her, I would suggest you check them out. They are amazing books.

Anyways, that's my update of the day. Ha. Not that it matters.

"What if I was nothing?"

There's a song that I found a while ago, and it only just started making me think. The song is called "What If I Was Nothing" by All That Remains.

Some of the lyrics are:
"And if you're thinking I might, might be led astray,
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, nothing without you?
So what if I was angry, what did you think I'd do?
I told you that I love you, I'm nothing without you."

This song makes me think of my boyfriend in so many ways. Aside from the obvious expression of love that the lyrics portray, I feel like this pertains to me especially.

I started this blog on Sunday, June 24, 2012. That's almost 3 years ago. When I started this blog, I don't know what I meant it to be. I wanted a place to write my thoughts, and I had found a girl who was the author of a blog about Anorexia. I felt someone I could relate to, and her posts were kind of what inspired me to start my own. I wanted to have my own little "corner" of the internet to rant and express myself in whatever way. I wanted to find other people like me that I could relate to so that I didn't feel so alone.

Six days later I began blogging as way to get my thoughts out.

AUGUST 2012
I started this blog when I was dating C, my now ex boyfriend. We were together for 3 years in the long run, but I began this blog after my dad kicked me out for the first time and told me not to come back for a few weeks. I thought I was fine with that, it didn't really mean much to me. For the first while I tried to recover a bit, but I didn't really give it all my effort. I didn't really want to recover. I started my Junior year in high school, and was pretty optimistic.

SEPTEMBER 2012
I went to outdoor lab, where I got caught in my ED and had to lie my way out of that. I wasn't that bad in my ED though, I wish I could have seen that. I was struggling more though, because I was binging and purging at this time. I was still clashing with my dad, and still not living with him, though I was only 17 at the time.

OCTOBER 2012
I don't really have much to say about this month... I didn't do much, and wasn't in the best state of mind.

NOVEMBER 2012
I was feeling distant from my family, not really able to tell them anything. Not able to ask for their help or share most of the things that excited me with them because they were so negative about it. I lost my best friend this month too. That was a huge thing for me and I spent a while feeling really angry and confused about it. I tried talking to a counselor in my school to get help with my self harm and ED, which ultimately failed in time. My grandparents tried to get me to go see an outside therapist for eight weeks, and that was also a failure. A waste of time. I started losing my grace in school and my grades started slipping but were still okay. I started losing contact with my then boyfriend, C, after being with him for 2 years.

DECEMBER 2012
I tried to OD.

JANUARY 2013
I went to Hawaii with my dad, but it wasn't a very good trip because my ED ruined it. I broke up with my boyfriend during this time as well. That was difficult but something I am glad I did. My depression kicked in a little more.

FEBRUARY 2013
I began fasting more and more, but not taking interest in anything outside of my ED. I was still dealing with the aftereffects from my OD. I competed with color guard, trying to hide as much of my ED symptoms as possible. I had some pretty intense mood swings during this month. Like going from cloud nine to wanting to die. They were hard for me to deal with.

MARCH 2013
I was struggling a lot during this time with thoughts of suicide, and at one point I had set a date to kill myself (April 1, 2013) because it would have been April Fools Day and that would have been a statement. A friend of mine named A tried to help me, though I pushed her away too. I was just very depressed during this month as well as April.

MAY 2013
I noticed how much damage I had let my ED do to me in school and in my personal relationships, but I really didn't care. I knew I was spiraling downward, but I just didn't give a fuck.

JUNE 2013
I got my mom back in my life, and I was so happy for that. I was working to make things better with her, so that when I turned 18 I could have something to show for it. My dad knew about my self harm though he never really tried to help or stop me. My grandparents knew too, but unfortunately that made me only want to do it more. I fell more and more into my ED during this month, I believe.

AUGUST 2013
My dad kicked me out again and I spent a few weeks couch hopping because I didn't have a stable place to stay. My school caught on to the fact that I was cutting and searched me. It was a whole ordeal. They called my family and my dad told people who didn't need to know. It caused a huge wave of anger in my house. I was still pretty depressed and suicidal during this month too, because I wasn't even trying to fight it. I just didn't give a fuck. I also started getting flashbacks from my sexual abuse this month, which made everything that much harder. Up until this point, I didn't remember it.

SEPTEMBER 2013
During this month, I started teaming up with my ED and giving into SH which is what helped me get through it. But I was coping in very unhealthy ways and wasn't really working towards anything, I was letting everything fall apart.

OCTOBER 2013
I was doing better this month, or at least fooling myself along with everyone else.

NOVEMBER 2013
School became a major stress for me, and I struggled to find structure with my everyday life. I basically just existed for this month, rather than living. Thanksgiving was especially hard for me, and I was creating a lot of conflict with my family. I started getting flashbacks about my sexual abuse though, and up until this point I had had absolutely no idea.

DECEMBER 2013
December was especially hard. I put one last ditch effort into school, which turned out not to do any good. I realized the actual pattern of why my grades were starting to slip and I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Everything was slipping through my fingers. I was also doing a lot of self sabotaging during this month... More to speculate about later?

JANUARY 2014
I was pretty depressed in January, keeping to myself, not wanting to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to be left alone, and I didn't want to reach out to anyone to help me get out of that rainstorm. I felt particular anxiety because certain people were aware that I blogged, and felt the need to read my blog. I felt like that took away my safe haven a little bit. During this month I struggled to connect to people, to feel like I was a part of my life.

FEBRUARY 2014
I wanted someone to reach out to me, to care enough to get past all the weak defenses I put up. But it was hard to find someone like that, and I spent this month and the next few feeling isolated and alone. Though it was all of my own doing, it was still difficult and I struggled a lot just to find a reason to keep trying.

MARCH 2014
During this month I broke up with C. Though it was a good decision, it was a hard decision for me, because I didn't want to be alone again. But I am glad I did, because we both deserved the opportunity to do better. My ED dominated my life for this month pretty much, it was a cycle of drugs, laxies, starving, and sleeping. It wasn't a good place to be, and I didn't really do or accomplish anything during this month. I was basically existing, not living.

APRIL 2014
During March and April, I wasn't really in a good headspace. I was trying to destroy my life. Getting into using meth, using my body to feel instead of think through sex and self harm, starving and trying to keep everything together and numb myself from realizing just what I fucked up.

MAY 2014
This is the month that I should have graduated school, but I dropped out instead. I pushed my family away and wouldn't let them see that I was hurting. Everyone couldn't understand why I dropped out of school, and I wasn't about to tell them. I was trying to get a full time job during this time but lacking motivation, and lacking the care to stop ruining my own life. I was taking pleasure in causing myself pain and taking away everything that made me happy.

JUNE 2014
I met my boyfriend during this month. Friday the 13th, actually. Everyone considers this a bad day, but in reality it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

After I met my boyfriend, I stopped doing Meth, I stopped self harming as much as I was, and I found something to work towards.
I guess what I am getting at here is that, before I met my boyfriend I really was nothing. I had nowhere to go, wasn't doing well in my life, and I was just heading downwards. He caused me to realize what I had and what I was doing. He has made me want to be a better person, and though we have our issues, I am so thankful for him.
I don't know where I would be right now if he hadn't stepped in and given me a light to see by.
Now every time I hear that song, this is what I think of. I hope it never changes.

Happy New Year

It wasn't a bad night for me at all, although I didn't get to watch the ball drop.

But now it is 2015. A new year.
Last year on January 1, I weighed 167.5lbs. Today, on January 1, I weigh 148.8lbs.

I know I lost more than this initially this year, but ten I gained a little back. So I stand at a total of 18.7lbs lost last year. Not bad, since it is getting harder and harder to lose weight.

My goal by my birthday was 123lbs. I don't think I can get there.
But I will get as close as possible. 44 days.
I would love to not be fat on my birthday.

I think I am also gonna set up a system where I fast as many hours of the week as I can, recording when I fast and when I eat. Then, at the end of the week, I total up my hours spent fasting, and kind of grade myself on it.
Not sure if this will work, but it is a way to keep myself accountable.

Anyways, that's my update.