Stupid Bullshit

So yesterday I didn't really feel like going to school. These past two weeks I've barely attended school at all.

But yesterday after I was dropped off, I went to my first two periods and then left. I just didn't want to be here.

After I left yesterday I went and hung out with a friend of mine. Not too long after that I received a phone call from a counselor at my school. She told me that someone had called safe2tell on me and that she needed to see me. I started freaking out and punching the sidewalk because I thought this was gonna be a repeat of last year with the incident at my school. She said that the school resource officer was sitting in front of my house.

I freaked out because why the fuck would he be sitting there?!

He then called me and old me that he needed to see me. He tried to convince me to come back to school and when I refused, he came and met me in the parking lot of the resteraunt we (my friend and I) were at. He made me take off my jacket, and old me that the caller had said I was cutting my stomach, hips, arms, and legs. Not many people know that.

I denied it, saying that I hadn't cut in over 6 months. He made me take off my jacket and show him my arms and whatnot. Which I was fine with, seeing as those cuts had healed. The ones on my stomach and hips though, not so much.

So after the officer was sitting in front of my house, he called my grandparents and told them everything. I heard later that my grandpa actually broke down in tears, and that broke me. In all the years that I have been alive, I have never seen my grandfather cry. Ever.

So this morning, I had to go talk to the counselor that called me yesterday, and that's where I was at when my school went into a lockdown. At least it got me out of class. I didn't want to be there anyways. My grade in that class is slowly improving, though not enough. Not enough for me to pass.  Currently enrolled in 5 classes. I only need 3 to graduate. I have to do this.

Also an event that happened yesterday was that a friend of mine apparently attempted suicide. Her mom had found out that I was talking to her, and she tried to make me stop. She blocked my number in her daughters phone, and basically took my friend away from me. Yesterday morning she called me and basically told me that I was the reason for her daughters eating disorder, and said I encouraged her daughters drug use. She said that I was the one dragging her daughter down and then tried to be my mother saying I should get help for my eating disorder, and that I couldn't see her daughter till I did.

It was bullshit. I will never go into treatment, not until I reach 108 beautiful pounds of emptiness. Only then will I admit to anyone that I've got an Earing Disorder. But I was pretty upset about that yesterday.

So here's how it is: I have 13 school days left. Less than 2 weeks. I only have to pass 3 classes, and only one is a struggle. But I'm gonna see if I can't bullshit my way through that one class.

As for the incident, I'm in the clear. I covered my ass and am okay. My secret is still safe.

So I guess we will see how the next 13 days pan out, and I'll be having a countdown too. I'm gonna do this. 

Thoughts

I always have to lie.

That's my life. Certain people can't know certain things about me, or I can't tell them certain things. It's because I always have to have a guard up, knowing that people can't accept me for me.

I haven't been home in more than 4 weeks. I actually lost count. I used to go to my second home, but as of recently that isn't even an option. So where do you go when you can no longer go home?

I call it "camping". Funny, right? I've slept in an abandoned shed more than a few times, but I also just continuously walk around. I just wander until it's early enough that people are up and places are open. Sometimes I stay with my best friend, but her mom hates me and I always feel like such a burden when I stay too long.

That other guy I've been friends with, but also been more than friends with... We're kind of together I guess, but we aren't. As far as I'm aware, we're basically friends with benefits. Somehow I feel like that should bother me, but it doesn't. I find peace with him, and that's just what I need right now since my (ex) boyfriend/best friend no longer wants to talk to me. I feel guilty over that too.. And every day I consider getting back with him and I have to remind myself why we broke up. It's a struggle.

I hardly attended school at all this week and have been considering dropping out more and more recently. My last day is supposed to be May 19th. So I have less than 30 days... Why would I drop out now?

Because I need 1 more credit to graduate, and I don't know if I'll get the other 1/2 credit, which means I can't walk. That fate would be worse than the hatred of myself for dropping out. I made the mistake of mentioning it once, and I haven't stopped earring about it since. My family basically went left. So much for support, right?

I'm not sure what my current weight is, since my scale is broken. The last known weight I had was 155. But I've been starving pretty well since then, and Ana has had me in her grips. I've had a lot of anxiety and I've been shutting down a lot recently. Just not thinking, not feeling. Not responding to anything. I guess that's better than the alternative, right?

I'm sure I have more to say.. But I'm tired as duck and haven't really slept in several days. So I'm gonna try to do that now... Night..

Posts-to-be.... :P

Ohh, and I never made a post about Easter/420.. Man, I'm slacking! Though to be honest, I've been so close to entirely falling apart these last few days that I just haven't noticed the days passing by, or the fact that it's already the 24th and I graduate in less than 2 1/2 weeks. For fucks sake.
So I have a couple posts to make, which will be written as soon as I have a computer. It makes editing so much easier, and I kind of have a lot to say. So... Bear with me, but please answer the questions in my last post!! (:

Random 4am Nonsense

Yesterday (technically today for me) was so intense. I don't think I've been emotionally ramped up like that in a while, and I thought only my dad could get me there.
I'll write a proper post about it when I have a computer, in case anyone wants to read it.
So basically I've been sitting on a hard wood floor for like 4 hours, and I'm finally starting to feel the pain. Meh, how I wish I could just crawl into bed and fall into a dark abyss of dreamless sleep. But I can't.
I'm wired, not tired. But I'm out of fun now, so it's gonna be back to mundane life for me. /:
I'm sitting here trying to pack up my room (hah!) and I've packed up basically all of my bookshelf and important things like my notebooks and photos. But I still have so much shit to pack, and honestly, I need more boxes.

But anyways, I'll write more about the crazy ass motherfucking day I had yesterday, just so I can remember it, if nothing else.
I really find it hard to believe that anyone would read my posts. If you're reading, could you leave a few words about why you're following? I mean, I have around 65 followers, but I almost never hear from them.. So it makes me kind of wonder why they still follow my blog?
Well, that's pretty much all I have right now.. So I'll leave you with some questions and hopefully a couple people will answer..
Anyways, I guess I better finish packing what I can, and do my school work. I also have to get up in 2 hours. xD
But I'm okay with anything that comes my way for right now, because I'm high and I'm pretty okay. I mean, like no suicidal thoughts, downward spirals or meltdowns. My head is relatively quiet right now.. As is my stomach. (;
Anyways, proper post to come! Check back, and remember - It's the small things that count. Not the big ones.

Questions!!
1. Why do you read my blog?
2. Do you think I'm Pro-Anorexia?
3. Is there anything you'd like me to write about?
4. Ask me any question you want, I'd like to know that there are still people out there..

Life of A Cutter

Not getting to school on time.

Ditching.

Stress.

Failing grades when I do try.

Anxiety.

Impending homelessness.

Fear if the future.

Food.

My weight.

My selfishness.

My past.

My present.

All of these are one cut on my body, if not more. Always more.

But no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. Cutting doesn't fix any of that..

.. But it makes it temporarily go away.

Temporary is better than not at all.

My Life

Well.. Since my last update, not a lot has changed.

My best friend for 7 years was pregnant and so excited for her baby.. But because of stress, she had a miscarriage. I've been trying to be there for her and comfort her as much as I can, but I know how difficult that can be..

My dad kicked me out basically, and I have to find somewhere to live by June 1st. Right after the graduation of seniors at my school. I'm not sure if I can include myself in that group. I still don't know if I'm dropping out.

School is literally killing me.

Saturday night I went to a rave. I was playing with Jenny, but my friend wasnt. I had a great time, though it would have been more fun if I had some actually fun drugs to do for that rave.

This is a picture I took, though it's blurry. I had a pretty awesome panda hat, though you can't see all of it in the picture.

Yesterday was 4/20, and though they had a celebration in the Capitol, I stayed local and went to a raffle. I smoked some bud with some strangers, though really nice people.

I had fun, as strange as it is. 

That's pretty much my life right now.

Since I had strep 3/4 weeks ago, I haven't been home. I stop in every now and then, but I haven't spent a night there in forever. I took boxes over there about a week ago, but I haven't actually been home to pack.

My dad is being a twat muffin, and he never has anything nice to say to me. But I guess I can't blame him, because I doubt he knows how else to be.

I didn't sleep Saturday night at all, and I only fell asleep This morning at 1. So 49 hours without sleeping. Hah. Thanks Jenny. But this morning I woke up late, and didn't have enough time to properly get ready. So I look like shit, and I feel like shit. I'm sitting in my psych class right now, wishing I could cut. Feeling anxious, restless, distracted. I hate coming down. I love going up, just not coming down.

Not this past Saturday, but the one before that, I had some issues. I ended up cutting all of my left arm from shoulder to wrist, my hips and my stomach. After what I did, I was pretty horrified at myself. But obviously that didn't last very long, as I'm wanting to cut again right now. Maybe I shouldn't even try to fight it.

Ohh, and just a random interjection.. My best friend (mentioned above) has a thing for me, and I totally have a thing for her. But she has a boyfriend/fiancé, so I doubt I'd ever get a chance with her. She flirts with me though.. So I'm kinda confused as to where we stand, or if I should even listen to my feelings towards her. Maybe I should just be content being her best friend, and ignore the rest. -sigh- just my randomness here.

I'm trying... Really trying, to survive. But I'm struggling with that right now. It's such a battle, and I'm not sure I have the right weapons to fight.

Kinda Personal Update

Yesterday was absolutely crazy.

I spent the weekend at my mom's, and usually it's pretty nice. This past weekend was stressful though, and I wasn't able to just relax and have fun like I usually do.

My brother (same mother different father) has 2 daughters. One of them was up there yesterday, and I got to see her. It's crazy in that I know who she is, but I wonder if she knows that her dad is my brother. I'm not very close with that side of my family, and I never have been. I've never been given that chance.

So while I was up at my moms, she was constantly in a bad mood and I wasn't in a much better one. My dad kicked me out basically and I am so not ready. I don't currently have a job, I'm not sure I have money to pay for college, so I don't think I'm gonna be enrolling for this upcoming semester. I'm trying to get a court date with my mom, but I'm not sure that I'd even be able to live with her.

I'm dealing with being suicidal nearly every day, an Eating Disorder, possibly dropping out of school, and just all of these things are happening at once. I feel like my dad kicking me out is just his way of rubbing it in.

So he gave me until June 1st. That's about a month away, and right around the time I graduate. If I even do. I hate him so much.

So yesterday I was having issues because I was severely constipated, to say the least. I took a bunch of laxies around 9 that morning and from 10:30 to about 4:30 I was pacing the same 10 feet of space, back and forth. I had music playing but I wasn't hearing it, I was crying and I was cutting. 6 hours straight. My dad just sat downstairs, oblivious.

My mom had been pissed when she dropped me off, and I spent all day trying to call her. She ignored me. Then she texted me saying she had cut herself, and that she couldn't stop the bleeding. She was basically mocking me, and blaming me for some other stuff. Of course that only made me sink lower. I knew I couldn't do anything so I texted my brother to call her and make sure she was okay. He did and she basically called me a snitch and got even more mad at me.  Eventually around 6, the some 11 - 23 laxies I took finally kicked in, and I was able to rest. Well, not really. The damage was already done. Basically all of my left arm from top shoulder to wrist, my hips and my stomach. That's when I finally began to feel the pain, and I stopped.

I didn't sleep much last night thanks to the laxies, and this morning I decided it was too cold to go to school. So I made up some billshit excuse to get out of going and somewhere around 9 or 10 I decided I didn't want to be home. So I went to hang out with C, the only guy that makes me feel truly at peace. I'm not sure if we're dating, but right now the fact that he loves me for me, accepts me at my worst, and doesn't judge me is enough. I'll take the peace while I can get it, because I don't know how long he will be around.

Yesterday while I was having my freak out, I texted somewhere around 6 different people seeing who would respond to a simple "Hey". All people who I knew could understand the ED aspect of this, but 6 nonetheless. I don't know why this bothers me the way it does, but out of all 6 people I texted, Katie is the only one who talked to me. It wasn't anything huge, but she was just there for me to keep me calm when I was having trouble doing that myself. So thank you. Really.

So I've spent most of my day hanging with my best friend. I've found out that she has a thing for me, as I do her. But she has a boyfriend and now she's pregnant, so I know nothing would ever happen. But we had a good talk about some things, and she really helped me. So not all the people in my life are bad. I'm starting to realize that and really appreciate what I have.

Today I'm paying the price for the damage I've done, but it's nothing less than I deserve. I'd do it again of I had to.

I'm spending the night at my best friend's  so that I don't have to go home. But then tomorrow she and I are going to my house to pack my things. Yesterday I was supposed to pack, but I wanted to just throw everything away. I didn't care if it was sentimental or not. I just wanted to get rid of it. But I'm thinking a bit clearer now (Or am I?) so I'm going to do it tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

I didn't eat for 3 days last week (Sunday -  Tuesday), and then I ate for Wesnesday, fasted Thursday, and ate Friday and Saturday. I fasted yesterday and mostly fasted today.

Someone broke my scale or something, because now it doesn't work. I need to get a new battery for it, but I don't have the slightest clue as to where to look. If anyone is reading this, would you have an idea?

My smallest pants (size 11) and my smallest shorts (size 10) are too big for me and that's the only indication I'm losing weight. The last time I weighed myself I was 155 and after yesterday I really have no desire to eat. I had some hot wing flavored pretzels earlier, with a couple pieces of candy. I also had some peanut butter crackers and a diet mtn dew. Overall, I don't think it was a lot of calories, and I'll go back to fasting tomorrow.

I'm tired today, emotionally exhausted and physically sore. But that's nothing less than I deserve. Tomorrow hopefully it'll be better. I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping too much tonight either, just because I'm scared if I do, I don't think ill wake up in time for school tomorrow. I know I need to stop missing school, but I honestly don't think I can. My senior ditch day is next Friday, and I really want to go. But... I'm not sure if I should.

Anyways, if you've made it through all that, I have to give you props. I wasn't intending for it to turn out that long, but I guess I had a lot to say.

Well, seeya.

Weight loss!

4/10

I've been fasting perfectly lately.

With the commotion in my house and everyone worrying about something, nobody is paying attention to me.

About a week ago I was still stuck at a plateau. But I finally broke through that, and now my weight is just slowly going down.

I've been perfectly empty for so long now, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it.

I'm not sure how long I can keep this up, but the longer the better. I need to be anything but fat. I haven't taken laxies in a while either. But I haven't eaten food. So there would be nothing for my body to digest.. Right?

But.. I might have lost my best friend over my eating disorder.. And I don't know how I feel about that. But maybe if ican keep my eating disorder out of our friendship as much as possible and not be so disordered when I'm around them.. Maybe I can keep this friendship.

We've been best friends for about 6 years now. Almost 7. I'd trust her with my life, if I had to.

But I will not stop losing weight.

Dangerous Games

So.. I'm still here.

I've got a late start, and I was hoping I could sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. I lay in bed listening to Pandora.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, and I ended up getting high. Yay for me! No. I have to go to school soon and I'm starting to trip shit.

I'm trying to talk myself down and get my heart out of my stomach, but that isn't working so well.

I know what a fine line I'm walking right now. I know how wrong and stupid it is. Don't say it.

Usually I'm not to shabby when I want to hide something. The first thing I've learned is that if you act sketchy, then you'll get caught. Hence why I'm trying to chill the fuck out.

I just gotta breathe.

Remind myself that I'll be fine.

Right.

Ugh. 

Goodbye

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for falling so far down..

When I was supposed to be on top.

For hurting you when you tried to help me..

For taking the dark path.

I'm sorry for not being the perfect child and grandchild you needed.

I tried so hard but even my best wasn't enough.

Some just aren't meant for life.

Survival of the fittest..

And I wasn't it.

Remember who I used to be. Before I lost myself.

My pain is just unbearable and I've tried everything.

I am drowning in the darkness.

And I just couldn't pull myself out.

Why didn't you see? Signs were everywhere.. But I also didn't want you to see..

Don't blame yourself.

Just know that I am in a better place now..

I don't have to hurt anymore.

Maybe I can be happy somewhere else.

I just didn't fit in here..

I'm sorry.. I love you. I have always and will always love you. Believe that, if nothing else... Goodbye.

Hi there.

The last time I wrote here feels like ages ago. I feel like a lot in me has changed. A lot of things have happened. I'll try not to go into too much detail, otherwise this post would be super long.

If anyone is reading this.

Try not to judge me too harshly.

I've been sick with Strep for roughly the last two weeks. I haven't eaten anything in a couple of days and I know I'm losing weight, though I don't know how much.

I finally fit into a small of youth yoga pants and my smallest pants are slightly big on me.

I had a small pregnancy scare, but lucky for me it turns out I'm not pregnant. So happy for that.

Since then I've definitely made an attempt to be smarter..

I tried some dangerous drugs, and liked it. I can't really admit that to anyone... So it's gonna have to be said here, where nobody can find it.

I haven't decided if I want more yet.

After fasting for the last 3 days, I ate 380 calories. I took a couple laxatives and am gonna be fasting for a couple more days starting tomorrow. I guess only through just straight starving can I lose weight. I'm anxious to know my actual weight though.

I fucked myself over in school and now I just have to deal with it. There's really nothing much I can do except star tfrom now, do the best I can, and hope for the best.

Wish me luck.