Christmas wasn't too much of a crash and burn scenario. Ate a decent amount, didn't gain too much.
Since Christmas
Everything sucks.

My boyfriend and are fighting more, more things keep crashing down on me.
I cut, I burn, and I starve.
But none of it matters.
I want to get away from here.
I don't even know if I give a fuck anymore.

I am a punching bag. Step right up and make your best shot. That's all I am good for.

Had a job interview today and my bf left without me.
My mom hurled terrible words at me where it hurt most.
None of my friends are around. They all have jobs and lives and no time for me.

So I sit in this house and let all the terrible words and deadly thoughts run rampant inside of me
Until it becomes too much and I pick up a blade.

Too low

Why do I have to look so fine on the outside?
Why can't I tell my boyfriend that I feel so bad I can barely get out bed? Why is it so hard for me to ask for his help, his love, his support?
Why can't I tell him how I feel?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why can't I just let myself cry,
Scream, hit, until the storm inside of me has passed?
Why can't it be that easy?

Instead I bottle it up and hold it in and put a smile on my face and tell myself
I
Am
Fine

I have no idea what my weight is, but I know I am gaining. My boyfriend's dad told me I looked pregnant the other day, and he also told my boyfriend that he could find someone better than a lazy psycho cutter. I can't forget it, no matter how many times my boyfriend calls me beautiful.
It makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and every time I even so much as glance at my body I want to cut.
I hate that I have lost all control.

I hate that Christmas is this week and the guilt is killing me. I don't deserve to attend it, but I see no other way. I don't know how I am gonna deal....
Because these days it just seems like one disappointment after another.
Mainly because of me.
Because I am as worthless as I feel.
Often enough I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Things aren't improving because I am doing nothing and that fact makes me hate myself more but everything feels so impossible.... so I just hate myself. I am a waste of space, of life.

And I hate
Every
Single
Thing
About
Myself.

And its never gonna change.

Ugh

I guess a lot happened yesterday, and it has changed how everything is.

** A little backstory. Over the past couple weeks, things have gone missing. Change, a credit card, weed, and now cigarettes. However, my boyfriend admitted guilt to it, and apologized and has seriously been trying to make right since then.... I get that we fucked up, but it's the fact that my boyfriend is trying to right the wrong because he is genuinely sorry for what he did.

Yesterday morning, I was woken up by my brother's loud music. When I tried to explain I was still sleeping, he basically said that he doesn't give a fuck and shut his door. That's kind of where it started. Then about an hour later, I asked him if I could buy a filter from him. Granted, we did jack his cigarettes and he has a reason to be angry.... but Damn. Basically my brother said no and I went outside with my bf.
A few minutes later my brother's girlfriend opened the back door and started yelling things like
How dare I ask her for a cigarette
Who did I think I was
I am a fucking thief
Etc
I told her to lower her voice because the neighbors didn't need to hear our business and she got bitchy. We went back downstairs to chill for a minute and breathe and my brother came up to my door and asked my bf if he wanted to go to jail. When my bf said no, my brother said that he needed to get out of his grandparents house because he was coming back with the police. That started an argument and my brother's girlfriend had to put her two cents in.
"How can you love someone who steals from your family?"
That's one of the things she said to me, and when I told her to shut up my brother got all defensive saying that I don't tell his girlfriend to shut up and this, that, and the other. Then my brother threatened to hit me if I didn't shut up and when I told him to do it, he just left. My grandma stepped in trying to mediate, and it's quite funny that she thinks she can stop my brother. She can't. So my boyfriend went out to his car and was sitting there and I guess my brother came out and told him to leave, acting like a thug wanna be gangster like he is.
I was inside talking to my grandparents when that went down, and they were trying to figure out the truth of the situation as well as calm it down. They started asking me a bunch of questions about my bf and whether I really wanted to be with him or not. Of course I do.
I was explaining the truth her and then went leave and when I saw that my bf's car wasn't outside anymore I started crying and slammed the front door. My grandma stood up trying to give me a hug, and I screamed at her not to touch me, look at me, care about me, acknowledge me.... none of it. My grandma looked at me in such a way.... like I broke her heart. Well, she broke mine like a bull in a china shop.

After that my boyfriend and I left, only coming back to pack a few things. I ended up staying with a childhood friend of mine way down South so that I didn't have to go home. That was a big mistake. My best friend came with me, and she fell asleep right away, whereas my bf and I couldn't sleep. We basically sat in his car all night and it's now going on 20 hours since I last slept. I just didn't feel too safe in her house, and neither did my bf. Something about it, I guess.

If the environment at my grandparents proves to be impossible, I am either spending the winter sleeping in my boyfriend's car, or both of us are moving to Missouri. One or the other.
My brother has also been posting things on Facebook about this whole situation, and my mom decided to chip in. When I basically told her to shut the fuck up, she deleted my comment. So in ways it feels like there is no way of conning back from this, not if I stay with my boyfriend.

My family doesn't think I should move out of state, but honestly it's beginning to feel like I have no choice. I can't stay here.
I thought your family was supposed to stick by you no matter what. Obviously I was wrong, because my boyfriend of 6 months and my best friend of 8 years have stuck by me more than my family ever has.
It's fucked up.

So that's pretty much all of the drama fest at my house. I guess I should try to get some sleep... as much as you can when it's 16 degrees outside. Today continues the drama saga... stay tuned.

Confessions?

Well. I don't really have much that's important to say. I am a lazy piece of shit. As usual.

Yesterday I applied for one job, and found out that they have open interviews on Tuesday.. So I go Tuesday at 2. Hoping that it turns into something.
My weight fucking sucks. I was back at 146, but then somehow I fucked it all up. My goal for this month was supposed to be 138. But unless I straight out starve until Christmas, there's no way I will make it. I haven't had a bm recently either, so I know that's part of the reason that my weight is up... But it still doesn't take away the anxiety.
I'm gonna take a bunch of laxatives today and weigh in the morning, and then tomorrow I am going to take laxatives as well and hopefully my weight will go back down.
I have really started to suck at fasting. I need to get back on track.

Since I haven't cut in a long time, I think that's why I was holding in that anger so much and taking it out on my boyfriend and my family. So yesterday, while my boyfriend wasn't around, I found a blade. I made a few shallow cuts on my hip, and then on my other hip I burned. Immediately I felt better. It's still lasted today, and I have actually been able to be decent to my family.
However, my boyfriend still doesn't know. I won't be telling him either, and I am intending to do whatever necessary to hide it. I don't want him to stop me, not now that I know it helps me not to be so hostile to my family.... there is no stopping me.

Another thing that I have no interest in doing is spending Christmas with my family. I know that you are supposed to, and I know that it will raise a lot of hell if I don't go. But I can't. It isn't even Christmas yet and I am starting to panic. Because I still don't have a job, and everyone else will be trying to give me gifts. I can't give them back, and it is fucking killing my mental state. So somehow I am going to get out of that, and though I know I shouldn't, this will be the first year that I haven't spent Christmas with my family.
There's always time for firsts, right?

My boyfriend doesn't see that I am heading down a dark path. I haven't seen substantial weight loss in the longest time.... and right now I am really fighting the urge to get a hold of meth again... simply because I can lose weight on it.
I don't even give a fuck about the damage that I would be doing to my body. None of it matters anymore.
I am going to go so far down, and my body will look on the outside how I feel on the inside.
No more of this half assedness. I am in full swing now, on par with my ED. I am giving it control, and no longer fighting for it. Nothing else matters.

And... that's where my crazy stops. Merry Christmas!

What Is It Worth?

I never feel like I have enough time. But how can someone have "enough" time? What is time?
Sometimes I feel like I can't even grasp the concept of time.
Most of the time I can't hardly realize when a day has ended or when it just beginning, because my days are one. I stay up past midnight and sleep when the world gets to be too much... and the days just blur together.

But there is no limit telling me when things have to be done.
When I should accomplish certain goals by.
There is no limit unless it's one that I personally impose.

So why do I feel like I am running out of time to go to school?
Why do I feel like every relationship I have in my life is on a time schedule that will eventually expire?
Why is it hard to feel the time passing, and know that with ever hour that I refuse food my body is getting smaller?
Why is it so hard to grasp these things?

Logically, I know the answers to these questions.
But I have grown tired of logic.
I want to feel these things happening.
I want to feel like I am accomplishing something by skipping dinner, and breakfast, and most of lunch.
I want to feel like there is a reason to my madness, and not that I am just wasting my life.

We base everything in our lives around time. Even I do it myself. But what if there was no time beyond the sun rising and setting? Would it only create more chaos in an already chaotic world, or would it slow everything down and let me take an actual breath for once. To breathe just to breathe, rather than knowing that I can take a breath now, but only for that moment. Because then after that one moment of peace, it's back to the chaos that is trying to "time" everything.

Time is a number, though.
Numbers rule my life.
Waiting for the next three hours until my boyfriend comes home.
Waiting until the sun risies to begin searching again.
Waiting until the sun sets to sleep.

That's all I do. I wait for this or for that. But even when I am technically in motion, it's hard to feel like I am making use of the time that I have versus wasting it.
How would you define wasting time anyways?
Because to one person something might be a waste of time,
but to the next it's all they want to do in that moment.

I can feel the time passing with every new day. With every new month, and soon to be with the new year. But it's nearly impossible to escape this feeling that I am doing nothing with the little time I am allowed to have. What am I accomplishing?
I often wonder if it would be better if you could borrow time. If we could pass off some of our time to someone who doesn't have as much. I would give all of my time to anyone who needed it, because they would definitely have a better use for my time than the nothing that I am using it for.
It's nearly been an entire year since I became an "adult". When you look at the big picture, a year is nothing. But when you break it down and look at just that one year, with all 12 months, it actually turns into a lot of time. So what have I done with that time? Honestly.. nothing important. Nothing that I can remember and feel proud of.
I basically waste my time, all the time.

I waste my time hating the body that I have to drag around until I breathe my last breath.
I waste my time starving, cutting, and abusing my body for what it is because it isn't what I want.
I waste my time thinking about all these numbers that have so much control over my life, when nobody else seems to see it.

But in that moment, it doesn't feel like wasting it. It doesn't feel like I am standing still, going nowhere while the rest of the world around me continues to live and move and breathe.
It doesn't feel like it, but that is exactly how it is. A year is plenty of time to accomplish great things! But when I look back over the last 5 years of my life.... I started to use my time to the best of my ability, but then things got in the way and I just... stopped.
I stopped moving forward, I stopped caring, and I started moving backwards.
I stopped trying to reach a goal, and instead threw caution and logic to the wind and simply started existing.

So I guess my question is, what is it worth, this "time" that we are all so obsessed with?
It is worth it to live by the rules of time that we have come to know, or would it be better to live without thinking about time. Without it being a constant element in our lives?
And even, what would life be like without living by a clock? By preset time schedules and plans?

Just some random thoughts. Xx

You're No Good For Me

This morning, before I even had a chance to wake up, my grandma had words to say.
When I left to run some errands, it took until my boyfriend had to go to work. I went back outside to say goodbye and as soon as I stepped in the front door, she mentioned calling someone about going back to school.

It isn't good enough for her. It never is.
I received another rejection email today for a job... They don't want to hire me either.
My grandma thinks it has to do with my attitude, but it doesn't. No matter how upset I am at home, I still try to go in there with a smile and make them see the best side of me I have to offer. But it's not good enough.

I tried explaining to my grandma that I have so much to deal with right now, and it's pretty fucking overwhelming. She doesn't understand. I feel like she ALWAYS has to shit on my parade. When my boyfriend got paid yesterday, we paid of half of one of the two loans we had. Now we only owe about $270 instead of $460. I was excited about that, until my grandma said that I wasn't giving enough effort to other things in my life and made it seem like nothing.
Today, I went to buy a vape pen, so that my boyfriend and I could stop smoking cigarettes - another positive step. But my grandma didn't see that. She only said how she doesn't like vape pens and that if I wanted to quit I should just use Nicorette gum because it doesn't cost "So much money". Again, no excitement that I am actually trying to quit cigarettes. Only negativity.

It's impossible to be happy around her. I try not to, actually.
She started in with the threats again today that if I can't find a job then she is gonna have to kick me out. Not that it matters that I have been putting in applications, and that I had interviews, and that I might just get straight out fucking discouraged for all the rejection that I have been through.

I haven't cut in a long time, almost 5 months. However, today was the exception to that. I wasn't able to control myself, and fight the desire to self harm. So I burned. If I hadn't of fought so much with my grandma, I think I would have been able to avoid it. But fighting with her was a trigger, it still is.

My boyfriend thinks that I am a child. He gets really angry with me when I am a bitch to my grandma, but I mean... He needs to love me for everything I am. Not to mention the fact that my family already doesn't like him. My dad is convinced that A is stealing money from him, and I can only defend him so much.  I have defended him, but what it really comes down to... is that if he is willing to do dirty things to people who deserve it, then where is the line drawn? I may not be able to admit to my wrongs right now, but if he can wrong someone else, what is to stop him from doing it to me? I understand where my dad is coming from, but I don't want to give him up. I need him... because if I had to do all of this alone, I would seriously lose my shit.
But am I willing to turn a blind eye to the carnage, in the name of love?
Am I willing to pretend I don't see it, to keep what I want without letting go?
Yes.
I know I will get hurt. I know it. But I can't break up with him. I need him. I love him. Somehow this all has to work out. Somehow we have to be okay.

I am trying to fight my depression, and not let it drag me under. I don't think my grandma understands depression, in that it isn't like being sad. It's a crippling version of that. Where I can't think straight. Where I can't find reasons to eat, to remember to breathe.
I have to fight with my ED. So that I can starve slowly, and maybe slow the inevitable death that is coming for me. I have to fight myself, because I am as much a part of my ED as it is a disease.
She doesn't know about it though, and I know there is no way in hell that I am going to out myself in that way to my family. That's something they just can't know about, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. That it isn't a struggle.
I am trying to pay off these loans so that they are no longer a weight on my back. So that I don't have obligations to pay a certain amount of money to certain people at certain times of the month. But my grandparents wouldn't be able to understand why I took the loans out in the first place, and why I did what I did. They would only consider it another mistake and say that if I wasn't with A I would never have done that. They would blame him, and it isn't fair to leave all that to him. So is it really too wrong for me to want to right these things before I jump back into school?
That would just add more stress, and as it is I feel like I am mentally fragile. I feel like I can't handle all of this, but I don't know how to rely on anyone else.


Should I even be with my boyfriend? Does he deserve someone better? Maybe I am too young for him, and maybe I am wasting his time. Maybe he should find someone better, but I am selfish enough to keep him around, even if it isn't the best thing for us both.
I'm afraid that something will happen in my relationship and I will end up on my own again. I don't want to be on my own, as pathetic as that is. It is just a little bit easier to have my boyfriend there, someone who loves me despite all of the things that I hate about myself. He brings me sunshine when I don't think I have any, and I couldn't imagine him being taken away from me. But somehow, he will be.

Eventually, all of my inadequacy will catch up to me and he will realize what he could be doing rather than being with me.... and he will go.
Oh god, how I fear that day.

Anyways, I am not sure how much sense this makes.... I guess it's just to go take a shit ton of laxatives, go smoke my vape pen and maybe a bowl, and sleep. I don't deserve the rest of today.

High Way To Hell

I'm not sure how sleeping is gonna go. What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going?

I drank too much liquid, and though I know it's liquid and I have already taken laxies... mentally I am panicking..
I'm fat. Fatty Mc Fat Ass. I feel like I can't breathe easy.
I need to cut. I need to know that this isn't all in my head. I need to feel as fucked up on the outside as I am on the inside.

I don't belong in this bed.
I don't deserve these pillows, this blanket.
I don't deserve be full.
I miss the cuts that used to cover my arms.
Burning just doesn't cut it.
Hah.
That's punny.

I am a failure for being fat. For eating, when it wasn't necessary. I want to take all the laxatives I have. I wish I had sleeping pills.
I kind of feel like I did when I was on Meth. Jittery, full, and numb.
As terrible as I know it is, I miss it. I wish I could go back to doing it. I was never addicted. It never had a chance to effect me negatively. But it had a lot of upsides. I miss not sleeping. I miss not feeling hungry. Not having to panic at the thought of digesting food. I will probably burn in hell for this. But I just don't care. I have yet to find a similar drug, and as much as I don't like drugs, I liked that one.

Will I ever go back?

Mmm

Another day, come and gone.
My second interview went okay... now I just have to wait to hear from someone. I hope it goes well.

I ate too much today. Way too much. But I took laxies. So I guess I wait and see, and do more damage control tomorrow if necessary. I will NOT start fucking December up already.

I managed to fall back asleep for a little bit longer this morning, after I smoked a bowl. But I am still tired and ready for bed and it's barely 9pm. Taking laxatives takes it's toll on me with the nausea. I guess I need to rebuild my tolerance to them.

My boyfriend got sent home from work today, and he's called in a few other days as well. I'm starting to worry that we won't have enough money at the end of the week to be okay.
We HAVE to pay a $360 loan, in full.
He needs to pay a $450 ticket so he can avoid jail.
I need to balance out my bank account and keep it that way.
Is it all possible?
We were gonna buy an e-cig so we could save money and quit smoking cigarettes. These things all seem necessary, but I have to remind myself that it can't all happen at once, especially since I still don't have a job. We aren't even sure how much his check is gonna be, and he needs gas get to work until the next paycheck.

It's all so overwhelming. The urge to self harm and the self harm thoughts are becoming more frequent. They flash through my head at least 20 times a day. But I have to keep it in check.
I have to remember to breathe.

These laxies should kick in about 2am, so maybe I should try to get some sleep. *sigh*

No Title

Insomnia really sucks.
I went to bed around 11, after taking laxatives. I slept for a little less than 5 hours, waking up at 4am. My body says it's tired, but my mind isn't.

My first job interview went alright, in my opinion. I go to the second one today. I can't even explain why I need a job so bad. I just do.

I briefly talked to my mom yesterday. I guess she is accusing me and my bf of stealing $500 from her bank account. Which is total bs but okay... her parting words to me were "You're dead to me, bitch." Which.... that shouldn't really bother me. But it does. My mom said it, and so has my dad in a sense. If both my parents, the two people who made me, hate me, then how terrible of a person could I be?
I tried not to let it hurt, but I cried for a while, feeling more pain than I should have. I know I can't let it go... it plays on repeat in my mind. I hate me, too.

November didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. I ended up only being 1.8 lbs away from my goal. But to meet my December goal I would have to lose about 11 lbs. Guess I will see how possible that is. Wish me luck.

I guess I have one thing that came out of this that isn't totally shitty. Knowing my mom hates me as much as I hate me has given me motivation to starve. I will be skinnier than she ever was.

Well Done.

Tomorrow is the last day of November.
What have I accomplished?
My goal was to make 145 for the month...  and I weigh in tomorrow... Hoping for the best.
I didn't totally binge on Thanksgiving, so I am proud of myself for that.

Oh, and in a rare moment of positivity - I managed to get TWO job interviews scheduled today. The first is later today at 3, and the second is Monday. Wish me luck!
I have been abusing laxatives again. I know that I shouldn't, but I miss the shaky lightheaded feeling I used to get from them. It's the only concrete proof that I have that my body is starving and getting smaller. My boyfriend doesn't know, and last time he asked about them I told him that I threw them out. I will do what has be done, regardless of what happens to my body.

Spent most of today feeling really sick with flu like symptoms, so at least I didn't have to eat much. I hope I feel better tomorrow, though. I have been shivering all day like I can't get warm, even though my heater is at 85 degrees. Absolutely crazy.

I haven't been to visit my brother in weeks. I miss him dearly. Tomorrow I will be going though, assuming everything goes as planned. If I don't make it tomorrow, I know I am going to absolutely hate myself. I NEED to see him.

ANYWAYS, I will update in the morning with my weight and December goals.

Sometimes it's hard to know if anyone cares.
If I matter to anyone.
Sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort to try to keep people around when they don't seem to put forth the effort either.
I can't stand myself today.
I can't stand how pathetic I am for thinking these thoughts. Even though I should know otherwise.

Sometimes it's impossible to remember why I shouldn't do the self destructive things that are always on my mind.
I begged him not to go.
Knowing we need the money, but unable to explain why I need him more.
He looked at me with nothing but love in his eyes when he said he had to.
I wish it was enough. But without his pesence to dull the ache, it's almost impossible to resist.
My mind plans out ways to hide it from him.
Whispers to me how much better I would feel if I gave in.. just this once.
And I know it would stop the voices, stop the guilt, stop the desperate need for escape.
But what would it cost me?
Would he still love me if he found out?
Ot would I finish only to feel more guilt and anxiety because I couldn't cut deep enough?

Another day is wasted.
Spent surviving instead of living.
Spent hurting instead of loving.
Spent in denial rather than facing up to what I have done.

But it isn't like I don't know.
It never goes away.
The lying.
The stealing.
The guilt.
The hatred.
Another day passing by.
But I can't let myself think about it too much.
Or the fragile glue holding me together
Will shatter..
And there will be nothing left of me.

Anything?

What am I waiting for?
I accomplished nothing today
Like I am not even human.

I put more energy into my eating disorder
Than I do into finding a job.
Why?
I would rather starve my feelings and
Pretend
That none of this is happening
Than face up to my mistakes
And fix them.

I would rather live in denial
Than live in reality.
I would rather stay angry
Than let myself feel the emotions
That I starve away.

I would rather lie about that burn
On my arm
Than admit that I wasn't strong enough.
That I am not good enough.
I would rather live with my depression
Than admit that I need help
And can't do this on my own.

And though I know the price of this denial
Is high,
I cling to it
Because it's easier to pretend that
Everything isn't falling apart
Than truly accept that I wasn't strong enough
To hold it together.

Not Today

I feel really lost today.
I don't want to function, I don't want to breathe, and I don't want to have to carry around this body.
I have been extremely bitchy. To my grandparents, and to my boyfriend. I just want to be left alone
But then I feel too alone.

My grandpa was nice enough to buy my boyfriend two tires since his were about to pop, and they had wire showing through. At least now we won't have to worry so much about them popping. They've spent the day installing them, and I have spent the day doing... NOTHING.

Why is it so hard for me to accept help? Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to be mean?
Nothing has changed. I applied for two jobs and am waiting to hear back from them. I have a record of all the money I owe people, and I see it every day. I record my weight, and like today, when it goes up, my depression does too.
Why am I even trying?
I will never be skinny. I will never reach my goals.

My grandpa called me chunky yesterday,and my grandma commented that I "eat too much". My boyfriend thinks it's stupid to let these things bother me so much... but I can't help it.
I will starve and eat none of their food until I am so skinny they are begging me to eat.

And this is why I am going to hell.

I Fucked Up

I weighed this morning and got the highest number I have seen in a while. It really triggered me, and then I ended up eating more t high an I should have.
I don't even have any excuses.

I fucked up.
Like the worthless failure I am.

I want to sh so bad tonight... not sure how to full my boyfriend that I need him... so I guess I am on my own.

Again.

Questions

Can I just start over?
Erase the life I have now.
Forget every place I have ever been,
Every person I have met (aside from my bf)
Every thing that I have done?
Is it too late?

Have I gone too far to be forgiven,
To actually be a decent person?
So much guilt,
And I just wish it would all go away.
I want to start over.
But if I can't confess my regret
To other people,
How can I right the wrongs that I have made?
How can anyone love me?
They might love what they see
On the outside,
But if they really knew what was on the
Inside,
Would they still see me?
Am I still there -
The kind, honest girl I used to be?
Or have I grown out of that naievity?
Is she only in my memories,
Or is she out there
Somewhere?

Can I undo this?

Argh

Sometimes I can't believe that I am stuck in this body. I can't believe that I was chosen to live this life,
Sometimes I don't want it.
My anxiety and anger and hatred just build and build.
The way my stomach sticks out over my jeans.
The way I feel like a fucking muffin, because my pants don't stay over my hips.
The sadness and disgust I feel when I ruin yet another pair of pants because I am too fat.
These are my constant feelings. These are the resons I get to upset.
I wish I could unzip my skin and just disappear.
I feel like everything is falling apart and like it is all my fault.
And I hate myself even more.
What did I do to deserve this?
I guess I just exist.

Nonsense

Today is Friday. Where did the week go? What did I do with this week?
Nothing.
I haven't been putting forth the greatest amount of effort lately, and my depression is kind of winning. I am letting it.
I hardly sleep anymore; right now it is nearly 4am and I am still awake, and last night I was up until 7am this morning before finally falling asleep.
I don't feel like I can let my body rest.
No matter how tired it gets.
I am afraid to weigh, because I am finding it hard to do ABC. Everything feels like too much.
I feel like a glass masterpiece that wasn't made strong enough.. and at the slightest whisper I could break.
And of course I tell nobody, pretending as if I am just fine. To be honest, I am afrad to confide in my boyfriend because I don't think he could understand and I doubt he would believe me anyways.
How do you explain to someone that you would rather focus on killing yourself than face what is waiting for you in reality?.
I am weak. I am pathetic. I am unworthy.
I texted a friend and said "I don't deserve to eat" and my bf saw that message. His reponse was kind of mocking, but definitely triggering. A lot of the things he says now are triggering but I don't think he is even aware that he is doing it.
I have to become fragile and skinny. I have to prove this to myself.

I have a job interview today, later. Not sure if I should be excited or not, since I have been mostly running into walls searching for jobs recently. I am kind of losing hope. I just want to leave this state. Go ANYWHERE else.

I am thinking of taking a hiatus, from smoking weed but also quit smoking cigarettes. So far that isn't working well. But I am trying. I feel like maybe it would help me lose weight, but I am also not b prepared for the weight gain OR facing my past trauma. I keep making excuses to get out of quitting, but I need to stop.
I don't know how to cope.

ABC Accountability

So I suppose I will be starting an accountability thread type thing for ABC. But the OCD part of my mind wants to make it organized. So I think I will make a page of it.
Along with that, I am gonna be color-coding the days. In essence, it would look kind of like this...
Under my calorie limit: yellow
Over my calories but still salvagable: orange
Fucked up: red

For each of the days, about 50 in total. That way, if nobody wants to follow that, they don't have to.

I will write a proper update very soon. Wish me luck. Xx

Rant

Why is it that everything that might even slightly possibly work out for me, goes to shit?

I fucking hate being told that I am not "trying hard enough". It makes me want to just try less and only makes me angrier.

My boyfriend got a job pretty easily, working in a warehouse, making good money. So for me to struggle in getting a job, what it must look like.
I am not someone he should want to spend the rest of his life with. I am not stable. I do not deserve him.
With every day that goes by, I panic more and more.
My anxiety level increases, and my dpresson gets worse. I just want to fade away. To not exist.
I want to starve and cut until there is nothing left of me.

If I so much as say any of this to him, I feel like he would call me melodramatic, or tell me that I am just like my mom. That I am seeing these results because I don't have the incentive.
Which is not helpful in the least. It only makes me angrier, which pushes him away more and more.
Am I destined to lose him? The last good thing in my life?

Eating is definitely out of the question for as long as it takes me to get a job.
My grandma also pointed out to me that my dad is changing his attitude and that she is so happy about this change. According to her, she only has a few more years and wants everyone in her family to be happy and wll. She wants me to fix my relationship with my dad, and I can't. I just can't. I don't want to he in this house anymore. I don't want to be around my family, as all I seem to do is make them unhappy.

Woo! (: 10/26/14

1 cup of romaine lettuce (lettuce only) = 12
1/4 tomato = 6
1 egg white = 15
2 oz crutons = 35
Total = 68
Exercise - 82
Net - -14

Nutrion:
2g fat
146g sodium
85g potassium
7g carbs
5g protien

I gained .2lbs yesterday, no doubt in food weight. I took laxatives last night and this morning I weighed 1.2lbs less. I am happy, but I still want to lose more.
A friend of mine who used to weigh more than me now weighs less and it's so triggering. I have to be skinnier than her. I have to be.

Yes!

I weighed in this morning and I had lost 3.2 lbs since my last weigh-in. I am so proud of myself. Just gotta keep going. I think a low calorie-high protein salad will have to start being my main source of food. Maybe, just maybe, I am not a failure after all.

Afraid To Jinx It?

This morning when I woke up I was super dehydrated. Or I felt like it anyways. I went upstairs to find something to drink and the only thing besides water was lemonade. So I poured a small glass of that and chugged it to give myself a little bit of sugar since I had errands to run.

Since then I haven't eaten anything, and I haven't even felt like smoking (like I usually do to suppress my appetite). Today has been absolutely perfect.

With that being said, I have a habit of jinxing myself, and fucking things up just when I say they are going well.
My boyfriend left to go to work a couple of hours ago, and that's when I usually start binging, for whatever reason.
Instead of doing that though, I have kept myself out of the kitchen by pretty much locking myself in the basement.

I. Will. Not. Eat. I. Will. Not. Eat. I. Will. Not. Eat.

My stomach is grumbling super loudly because it is hungry applauding my self control.
I will not eat.

On a side note, someone called me "healthy" today. I know that isn't meant to be an insult, but my mind immediately translates that to fat. It was extremely triggering.
So I wrote my last weight on my hand in big numbers, so that I would be able to look at it and know how disgusting I am and why I shouldn't eat. Tomorrow morning when I weigh, it HAS to be lower than that. I don't know what I will do if it hasn't or if I have gained. I just can't take it anymore.

I guess the one plus side to my boyfriend working during the evenings is that he can't try to get me to eat. And if I tell him that I ate, he won't know the difference. This is the prime time to lose weight, no excuses. Everything is perfect, now the only thing holding me back is myself.

My grandparents were talking about going to the store, to get food for dinner tonight. I asked them to get croutons (like what goes in a salad) and a few other low calorie items so that if I do have to eat dinner with them tonight, at least I can make a salad with few calories or just eat a few croutons and maybe not feel so guilty. I am still gonna aim to eat nothing though. I need to get lower in weight. So that I never have to be called "healthy" again.
I will update in the morning after I weigh in.

Wish me luck. Xx

I have been being kinda super bitchy this last week or so, and it has caused me so many issues. Fighting with my boyfriend to the point that we almost broke up.
Feeling like I am gonna snap.
I punched an entertainment center last night because I needed to hit something and release some of the anger. Apparently not enough, I guess.

Still trying to get a job, hopefully I will know by the end of today if I got it or not... I just wanna know already! My anxiety is killing me.

I faceplanted off of my porch and tore my jeans, gave myself two bruises, and a few other minor injuries. Ugh, it sucks. I feel like a walking hazard.

My weight still isn't budging. I don't know what I can do to make it budge, other than taking laxatives. I guess I will give it a try.
Mentally, these days, I am just trying to survive. I don't remember when things got hard again, but they have and I am not dealing well.
I will update more later.

Fucked

I feel so worthless.
Like a failure.
Like I am fat.
Like people shouldn't be around me because I am so negative.
Like a waste of space.
Like I wish I didn't exist.
Like I am not trying hard enough.
Like everything is my fault.
Like I am pathetic.
Like I am not worth the time of day.
Like my existience is too much.
I just want to disappear today.

I don't want to breathe.
Think.
Function.
I want to run and hide and wait till tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
But today just isn't good enough.
I feel hostile.
Like it's a mask to hide all of this.
To not let people know what is going on.
Like I don't want to burden them yet again.
Like I can't let anyone in.
I feel violent.
Like I am gonna snap..
I feel too much.
I just want to be numb.
Empty.
But I fucked that up too.

Stress, Stress, and More Stress

Today was definitely not the best day.

I am so full of stress and anxiety, and I feel like I am about to snap. But I am trying to hold it together.

I don't even know where to start.

I went to my mom's this morning to try to get some stuff I had asked her to store for me and she made it into this huge deal about it like I was the biggest fucking inconvenience that could possibly enter her life.

So I got what I wanted and then I left. She told me to take the trunks that she had stored my stuff in and that she didn't want it anymore. I told her I would have to come back because neither of the trunks were small enough to fit into my boyfriend's car. Then she texted me later in the day saying that "Let me apologize. [personal information relating to why she was so bitchy] It's a bad day all around." and so I apologized as well. Then she said "I love you so much and yet I seem to push you away. Fuck I am so sorry for not being able to be normal." So I asked my dad to borrow his truck at about 5:30pm, and I told her that I was coming to get my things. She basically refused to let me come get them, and by this point I was so fed up with everything. I went up there anyways, and I got a police officer to come with me, if for no other reason than to ensure that I got my things. The police officer basically told me that she couldn't help me.

I knocked on the door for a while, and one of her dogs was barking. I knew she was sitting in the kitchen with her SO, and eventually the barking stopped. Which meant that I knew she was right there at the front door, but I couldn't open it. I then went to the police station and tried talking to another officer and he basically said he couldn't help me.

Then my mom said that she would put my shit outside and leave it for me to come get it, which is so dumb because my dad has to work until about 4 every day and he is the only one I know who has a truck. It's just more stress than I need.

She decides whether she likes me or not on a daily basis, and I can't seem to keep up. I can't keep dealing with this. I am pretty determined to get my shit and basically cut her out of my life. For my own sake.

Due to being out of work recently, I have been applying for jobs without much luck.

I wrote that I had an interview, and I went. It went well, and I was basically guaranteed a job, as long as the drug test came back negative. I am still waiting to hear about that, but then my boyfriend applied for a job at the same location except overnight. He got scheduled for an interview tomorrow as well, and I don't know how to feel about that. Working overnight, he makes at least a dollar more than I do per hour, but I seem to be having a hard time coping with the fact that I won't ever see him if he works during the night and I during the day. It fucking sucks, but at this point I am just happy that we both have jobs. We have decided to save up to buy a new car, versus finding somewhere here to live.

Both he and I want to move out of state, preferably to somewhere further NW of here, or somewhere that has more rain than we usually get here. That's my perfect time, and it is the perfect excuse to get out of Colorado. I don't hate it here, but I have lived here my entire life and I am tired of it. I want to be somewhere else.

We took out two loans as well, so that we would have a little bit of money for food and gas and whatnot. I wrote it down today, totaling the amount we would have to pay back, starting on October 9th. I don't have the money, and therefore I am freaking out because I WILL have the money, but I have to start work first.

Payday for working at this job is ever Thursday, and for ever 1040 hours I work, I get a raise. That might not sound like a lot, but it is. It adds up. So I WILL have the money for it, but not right now. I have king of exhausted asking my family for help, because they no longer want to help me. My grandparents are letting my boyfriend and I stay at their house, on the condition that we sleep separately. So far, we have gotten around that. But how much longer will that last?

They don't know anything about my life. I didn't tell them when I was going to the interview, and I didn't tell them that I am trying to get a car. They have no idea that I am planning on moving out of state, and I don't plan on telling them either. They don't know anything about my life, and while it sucks, I don't think I could handle being shot down as I know they would do. So I have to figure out a way to do this all on my own,

I have my boyfriend, but I feel like he is just as clueless as I am. Like where do we go? How do we start building credit, without getting a credit card? There are so many questions I have that I just can't answer. He doesn't seem to be stressing about this nearly as bad as I am, but I don't know how to stop. I so desperately want to do this right, not to fuck everything up as I am so keen on doing. But I feel like I am clueless, trying to do this on my own.

Then there is the whole aspect of my ED. My weight isn't budging, and I am getting desperate again. I stopped doing M, for my boyfriend. But also because I know what it does to me. But I am getting to the point that I want to do it again, no matter the effects. Just because I don't know how much longer I can do this. My boyfriend has straight up told me that if I were to get back into doing drugs he would break up with me because he loves me and doesn't want to see me destroy myself like that. I understand that entirely, and I am glad he loves me. But I don't know if he can understand that I don't care what I do to myself, as long as I don't have to live in this body another day. Something has to change. He tried to get me to eat today, but I didn't eat much. I had a few chips at the glances of my family, because they seemed to be getting suspicious that I was not eating at all during the day. Other than that, I had about a half of a bowl of ramen, which I wanted to purge but didn't get the opportunity to. Still not good enough.

I still want to fast for the next couple of days, but when I do that I tend to smoke a lot, and with not having started my job yet, I don't know if I can afford it. But I just know that I cannot keep doing this. I have to do something. So I think I am going to give it a shot. No fucks given.

Tomorrow morning I am supposed to get up to my mom's to get my stuff while my boyfriend is at his interview. I am not sure how that is going to go, and I don't want to even go up there. But I don't have a choice, because as long as she has my things she has a reason to talk to me. If I can get them back, then I can just ignore her as I used to. Oh, and did I mention that my dad is full of "I told you so" looks because he spent my entire childhood telling me that my mom was going to fuck me over and I didn't believe him. Lo and behold, it is happening.

I just want it to stop.

No Title

I am so anxious right now.
Today was not a good day.
I ate so much more than I should have. And too many things that I can't take back.
I get more and more anxious about this interview. I have to pass a drug test and I smoked today so I just hope I can pass it.
I weighed myself today and the number was so not what I was expecting. Maybe that's why I binged. I want to cut but I know I would cut deeply. Therefore I cannot do such a thing.

I asked my grandparents for $20, so I would have gas to get to my interview on Monday. I didn't want to ask them. I feel so guilty, but I felt guiltier when I didn't. My dad used to always ask them for money. I don't want to be like him, and maybe that's why I didn't want to ask. I hate it.
I felt anxious when my brother showed up because his girlfriend, him, and her kid were eating food my grandparents made for dinner and they were running errands and hadn't eaten yet. I didn't want to say anything, but I wanted to he sure they had enough to eat. Which lead to guilt that I shouldn't have eaten because that would have been food they could eat. I don't know why I immediately resorted to that line of thinking. But that is always how it used to be, in my family. There wasn't always enough, so I usually compensated with food I should have eaten. But I guess even other situations that relate to food make me uncomfortable.

I have been staying at my grandparents house too. Until I can get this job. I feel guilty for that, because I often feel bad being around my family since I am so different and they know pretty much nothing about my life. I try to be as helpful as I can and my bofriend does too, but I always feel as if I am not doing enough. But I couldn't even tell you what I WOULD consider "doing enough".

When I fast, I feel like I am never hungry enough. Not that there is such thing as "hungry enough", but I guess in my mind, there is. It doesn't make sense to me. I never feel lile I am making enough progress. I smoke a lot more than I should, and this high anxiety only fuels my need to smoke. Smoking to me relieves some of my anxiety, if only temporarily.

I want to be away from here, but where would I go? I have absolutely nowhere to go. I want to get out of Colorado, but no way to do that.
I feel powerless. I feel like I am just waiting. I feel more hopeless than I have felt in a long time, and that is always a trigger to cut. I want to burn. Those aren't so noticeable, if I do it right. I wonder if my boyfriend would notice?

I am so tired of being conscious and aware of how much of a fuck up I am. I wish I could sleep, but my brother and company are still awake less than 30 feet from me. And so I get even more anxious. I wish I had sleeping pills. So I could fade from reality when things got to be too much.
Like now.
Aye.

Mayday.
Mayday.
Woman down.
No more.

Maybe?

Today I started a plan to restrict to very few foods regardless of their nutritional content.
My safe foods are:
Chicken noodle soup (75 cals)
Croutons (5 cals)
Bananas (45 cals)

Initially I ate more than that, with a food intake of 475, but I walked my dogs, played catch, and walked some more.. After factoring in my exercise, I ended with a net of 95. Perfect.
I only messed up once after that, with 380 cals which I then purged. So I am still at the perfect 95 cals for the day.

Tomorrow I begin fasting again, to make up for today.
The only things I am allowed are chicken noodle soup if I must (75), and 9 croutons (45).  This way I can atone for today and still restrict tomorrow.

Right now I am staying at my grandparents since it is so cold outside. I definitely don't like it, but I am willing to accept it... temporarily. I won't stayhere longer than I have to.

I have a job interview on the 6th. I have a drug test to pass. Which shouldn't be hard but I am gonna stop burning trees for two days (better safe than sorry).
I am trying to lose as much weight as possible before the interview.
Annnd not mich else.
I want to move to another state because I am tired of the one I am in, but I have to be patient.
I hope tomorrow goes better. Just gotta stay busy.

Open The Floodgates

I guess since I last properly updated, some things have changed.
After I had the fight with my mom, I stopped talking to her for a few days. I honestly couldn't believe some of the things she said to me, and sure enough, as I expected she apologized and wanted to be back to normal a few days later. The thing is, I can't just forget. She always does this, and I know she is bipolar... But seriously. I haven't been up to see her since then, and I don't plan to anytime soon. It's like as soon as we are on okay-ish terms, she says something to fuck it up.
Yesterday I had set an alarm on my phone in the morning so that I could get up and go visit my brother in prison. But when the alarm sounded, I didn't wake up. I woke up about the same time I should have been at the prison, and the amount of anger and sadness I felt over that still hasn't gone away. I don't know why it is so hard for me to make it down to visit him, but it is. I promised myself that I would write to him, but I still haven't. Why?
I don't know.
Maybe it is because I have so much to say to him, and writing it all out just seems too hard. I wouldn't even know where to begin, and I am pretty sure he wouldn't even care to know everything I want to tell him. Maybe I am keeping myself from writing to him because of the guilt I feel over the time that's passed since I last wrote to him. I wish I could call him, but I can't. He would have to call me, and I don't know how to go about that. I still don't have a job either, so I don't really have money to put on his books for him to call me, but I would still do it. With every day that passes though, I don't forget. I know just how terrible of a sister I am, especially since I only have these chances until December. In December he is transferring to another facility, which will be good for him in terms of getting "good time", but bad for me because then I won't ever be able to see him.
I only wish he knew how sorry I was.

I have been having some issues with my body. I remember writing that I was on my period about a week ago, and since then some things have happened that kind of freak me out. I don't even know how to ask about it, so I did some research on the internet and didn't really get anywhere with it. It gives me anxiety, because while I refuse to go to the doctor, I also don't want there to be something seriously wrong with me. Y'know? I mean, I know I have some undiagnosed issues, probably things that could easily be fixed. But as long as I don't hear that something is wrong from a doctor, I can assume that it isn't happening, Stupid, I know. But that's what I am trying to pretend anyways.

I have been trying to get a job, since I quit working at my last one. I have applied at a total of three places, however I have an interview on October 6th. While that's good, I need a job now so that I can start working and have money to keep paying for nights in a hotel. Otherwise the only option I have is sleeping in my boyfriend's car, and since I am always cold anyways, that idea isn't very appealing to me. But if it has to happen, it does. I guess it's good that we bought a bunch of blankets a while ago. But I am still not looking forward to it.
I guess all I can do is wait until October 6th and hope I get the job. The other catch to getting that job though is that I have to pass a drug test. I smoke quite a bit of weed with my boyfriend, so that's why it is complicated. I have never had to "fake" a drug test, and this will be the first job I have applied to in which they actually DO test for the use of drugs. I believe they do mouth swabs though, which are easy enough to get around. I just have to quit smoking for a few days before the interview, and I sure hope it works. I just want that date to come sooner, so that I can start saving money and having money in general. My boyfriend is trying to get a job as well, but I don't know how much luck he has been having with that.

I asked my boyfriend the other day if he thought I was one of those "self diagnosing" people, who say they have something (like an eating disorder) but actually don't. The reason I asked is because I do believe that I have an eating disorder, and I had received a message from a girl asking me if I could help her starve. I don't mean to tear anyone down, but this was literally the conversation between me and this girl:

Her: "I ate... :("
Me: "Ate what?"
Her: "Rice crackers... A piece of processed cheese and two mouthfuls of Lucky Charms cereal."
[About a half hour later]
Her: "Ugh I ate a sample of dried bread and seafood sauce. That's okay I guess. Ana's already really mad at me."
[At this point I was kind of mad because this girl is telling me she has Anorexia and then says she eats all of this shit and it just doesn't match up...]
Me: "I haven't eaten yet today."
Her: "I didn't. I'm a failure but Ana hates me. She's SOO mad she's screaming how useless I am. If I can't do this right, why am I still here?"
I simply told her that tomorrow was a new day and that she shouldn't be so hard on herself.
Then this morning I got a text asking if I could help her fast?

Usually I don't get upset at this kind of thing, but I just don't like people asking me to help them starve, or to be mean to them so they won't want to eat. Nobody should "want" this disease. My boyfriend saw the messages while I was talking to her and he asked me something like why she was asking me to help her starve. I didn't really have an answer to that. He doesn't think I have an eating disorder, of that I am sure. He doesn't seem to notice that I can go days without eating. I try to explain to him that I feel like shit when I DO eat, and that I feel better when I don't. But no, I don't have an eating disorder. So then to myself, trying to justify that I DO have an eating disorder only makes me feel like more shit, and like I am one of those people who say they have something and then always want to talk about it. Anytime I bring something up such as "fat feelings" or that I am not hungry, he kind of just brushes it off. While I can understand his reaction to an extent, I guess I want validation. Someone to tell me that I am not a "wannabe". That I am not a fake. Because no, I am not underweight.
The whole thing with my boyfriend though only made me want to starve more and lose MORE weight so that I look on the outside as I feel on the inside. Maybe then he would believe me.
I have told him about my sexual abuse as well, just searching for someone to understand. But it comes back to the same situation where I don't think he believes me and I don't feel validated. Why should I need to be validated? It should only matter how I feel and what I know, but it isn't. It's a massive trigger for me, and then days like today where I eat food just to avoid the conversation, I only feel worse. I ate lunch with my boyfriend so as to seem normal, but ever since then I am just on edge. I want to cut, but i know he would freak out if I did. I don't want to fight. I know I will avoid food tomorrow to compensate, but he doesn't seem to see these things. Am I maybe expecting too much? After all, I know how impossible it is to understand this illness when you haven't been through it.
He also sees when I write blog posts, and usually he wants to read them. The thing is, I don't censor anything I write here. I just write, whatever comes to mind and whatever I need to say. This is my little corner of the internet where I can say whatever I want without being judged. But I feel judged sometimes when he reads my posts, because "if I claim to have an eating disorder, how can I eat"?
It doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel. Ugh, I feel to much. This is why I would just rather be numb. I also don't think he understands my need to write. To get everything off of my chest. Or why I take an hour or two out of my day to check blogger and those that I follow, or to reply to emails, or to write. He doesn't understand why it is a necessity, and I don't know how to explain it to him. I think I like the form of communication, I don't have to speak to express my thoughts and feelings. I don't have to put out that extra effort, because yes. Sometimes these days talking seems like too much effort.
But I can't stop writing here, nor do I want to. Sometimes people comment, sometimes nobody does. Either way, I know this is a safe place to express my thoughts.

In the seven or so days that I was actually on my period, I managed to lose about 5.4 lbs. I honestly didn't think I would lose that much, and it only makes me want to lose more. Especially now that i have a job interview coming up, I want to lose even more weight and be as small as possible for that interview. I am almost back to my lowest weight yet, and that thought excites me but only for a second. Because I know once I reach that point, I am only going to want to lose more. Not that I mind that either. It's just... days like today don't work with that mindset. They are what will keep me from reaching that point, not helping myself move towards it.

My motivation to keep moving forward and be productive is fading too. I want to say I am starting to fall back into my depression, but at the same time I don't want to say that because I don't think it is that serious yet. Hah, yet. Most of the time nowadays, I just want to lay in bed and not do anything. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to look for jobs, I don't want to live my life. I just want to be still and silent. A statue.
Since meeting my boyfriend I haven't felt anything close to this. I thought I was beating it, and that I was stronger than it. I am not sure I want to know what will happen if I DO fall back into that depression again. Will my boyfriend stay? Will he think he should have done something more to stop it? Will he think that he could find someone better? Will he blame himself when he realizes that it isn't so easy to just pull me out of it? Will we survive it?
I don't know why I am starting to feel that way again, but I don't even want to fight it. I just want a break from life, from all the stress. And I guess in a way, falling back into that would block out my responsibilities to an extent. It would give me the break I so need. But I have to try to fight it. I have to try to stay in good hopes and be the girlfriend that I know he deserves.

I dyed my hair about two days ago as well. I was kind of tired of it being such a light brown with blonde at the tips, so I dyed it a dark brown color. I tried to find the color that would best match my natural hair color (which is dark dark brown, almost black). I think I did a pretty good job, and I am happy to have dark hair again. I don't know what it is, but I feel like this is just me. Like it is the hair color that best suits me. I probably should have waited to dye my hair, but I wanted to dye it and it is already done now. Maybe one of these times I will post a photo if anyone wants to see it,

Other than that, I am just trying to fit my life back together as much as possible. In any way that I can manage to do that. My boyfriend and I are kind of at a loss right now, and I feel like all I can do is wait until that interview. But I don't want to wait right now, I want to be in action, doing something. I have to be doing something.
This post has definitely gotten longer than I thought it would, so I will leave it here for now. Just a small fraction of the ever chaotic thoughts that occupy my mind.

Progress

Not much has been happening to me lately.
I fasted for about 46 hours and then broke the fast with 380 cals my bf made me eat. But I am back at fasting today.

I started my period the same day I started fasting, so I figured if I fasted enough I wouldn't gain weight from my period as I usually do. So far so good, I think. I feel smaller, though I am not weighing until I'm off my period.

I am really shaky, but I feel good. I think my body is physically starting to reject food. And I don't think I mind.

Anyways, I will update more later. I'm off to run some errands.

Holy Shit

So I ate a little this morning at like 1:15am (I know how bad that is) but at the time i didn't pay as much attention as I should have.
I fasted today entirely aside from drinking a little bit of soda to keep from passing out.
But fuck!!!
I calculated the calories and am absolutely horrified. Holy fuck.

I didn't exercise much today, because I was fasting. My BMR is apparently 1570-something.... and my total cals are less than that...
I'm freaking that I won't see a loss tomorrow.... and even that I won't have burned all off it before I sleep, and therefore I don't deserve to sleep.
Bad, bad J.

Fuck me.

I fought with my mom today. She called me manipulative and a liar and said she didn't want me in her life anymore.
All because of some stupid shit.

I haven't written to my brother in weeks, nor have i been to see him. I am a terrible sister... i was just starting to get him back in my life. I hate myself for t h is, especially knowing that i only have a few more months before he transfers in December. After that, he will be too far away for me to be able to see him. But im afraid to write to him because i don't have a stable address to recieve his letters.

I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong, is. Like i have no control over anything and i am just a rag doll to be thrown around and used.
I try to do the right thing all the time but it just doesn't ever seem to be enough. Maybe i should stop trying.

Finally Weighed

Since I quit my job yesterday, I couldn't bear to go with my boyfriend when he went to work today. I just don't think I can face them, and I don't want to admit what I did was wrong. I wish I had gone about it differently, but I can't go back and change that now.

Since I am pretty much stuck in this hotel room for the entire day, I am going to make use of it.
I bought coke zero this morning when I went to buy cigarettes, and those two things combined should be enough to help me see a loss tomorrow.

This morning after weighing for the first time in so long, I weighed 155.6. That is such a disgusting number and I am so ashamed that that's my actual weight. So that provides even more of a desire to fast today.

I'm so lonely these days. I feel like the only person I have to talk to is my boyfriend, and while I love him with every fiber of my being, there are some things that I just don't feel like he can understand. I don't feel like anyone can understand, though I know I am not the only one dealing with these things. It is just a struggle to find someone out there that will actually talk to me and understand, and someone that CAN actually understand.
All of my friends disappeared when I wasn't looking, and now I am on my own.
But maybe it is best that way.

One of my exes tried talking to me the other day while my boyfriend had my phone, and ever since I have been fighting with my boyfriend about whether I will cheat on him or not. I understand that he has been cheated on before, but so have I. I just need him to give me a chance and stop thinking that every guy that looks my way is going to steal me from him. He is one of a kind, and I honestly couldn't think of a trait that someone else would have that he doesn't.
So I am not really sure where we stand with that, but hopefully we can work something out and be okay.

I feel absolutely pathetic. I texted several people in my phone, and messaged a few more, trying to find someone who would be willing to talk to me today. I just don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be solitary. I want some company, but I guess that I will have to make due with what I have. I don't think anyone will respond.

I don't even know where this post is going, except to admit that I am a failure and I got fat again. I need to get back on track and actually make something of myself, and stop being the lazy piece of shit that I am.

Break (me) down

Everything in life is too much.
There is too much to comprehend and not enough of me.
I quit my job today, because I wasn't hardly getting any hours, and I cannot afford that anymore. So instead of doing it the right way, I neither called them nor found someone to cover my four hour shift today.
I am still homeless, and living in hotels. Until I can't anymore, and that thought is what scares me.
Every time we find an apartment to look into, we don't meet the requirements and it is just to get rejected. But that takes its' toll, too.
I am not ready to take on so much of the world right now. I am not strong enough.

I got no sleep last night and it seems to have made me more irritable than usual. I have pretty much constantly argued with my boyfriend today, and I am just tired. I want to hold up my white flag and say
NO MORE

Without having a job, that means our only source of income is from my boyfriend. He says it is fine, but I hate putting all of the burden on him.
And maybe part of me is scared that once I am free of a job, I won't want to go back.

First and foremost, I need a place to live. I need a car as well, but I can't start saving up for that until I have a stable place to sleep and don't have to spend ridiculous money on hotels.
I need my drivers licences, but that only gives me anxiety and I don't want to drive.
I need my GED. That is a given, but I need money and I need time to study without the surrounding stress that is literally driving me mad.
So it will have to wait, like everything else. Ugh.
It seems to be just one thing after another that is holding me back. Always back, never forwards.

I used to say that the cause of all of my stress was because I had an unstable life. Today made me realize something though. My life is not unstable, I am what is unstable in my life.
I feel like people keep adding parts of me up and no matter what way you fit the pieces, I still amount to nothing.

I want to cut.
I want to run away.
I want to burn.
I want to starve.
I am nothing
And I have no power.
I am worthless.

WooHoo!!

For the first time in forever, today is a day that I would consider successful.

Last night I went to the store and I bought baby carrots, applesauce, tomatoes, and fat free yogurt.. Basically my allotted food for the week.

Today I had intended to eat only 90 calories in yogurt, but in my rush to leave this morning I forgot it.

When I got to work I swore to myself that I wouldn't eat anything today except that yogurt, after I got off at 10.

My boyfriend offered me ice cream earlier, and I was strong enough to resist.

I was making ranch and cutting celery all day, and not a drop touched my tounge.

When I had to cook, I was strong enough to overlook the smells that infiltrated my will power.

I am zero calories and diet Pepsi and cigarettes. I am pure. I am empty.

I still don't know my weight, but tomorrow morning I will weigh and post my weight. It is long overdue.

I told myself that I was allowed the 90 calories in yogurt earlier, but now I am thinking that since it will already be late, I can just go to bed and skip the food. Which means that I am pure today.

I am not a failure. I am in control.

And I fucking love it.

I will see how tomorrow goes, and hopefully it will be the same as today. I control what I eat. I am in control.

My boyfriend will no longer make me feel bad for wanting to eat and be normal. No more guilt.

I am strong.

Need To Weigh

Call me melodramatic or whatever, but to me
Everything feels unbearable right now.
I don't know my weight because I don't have a proper place to weigh myself.
Therefore I cannot gauge if
I am losing weight or gaining weight.
Physically, I feel massive.
The urge to self harm has been increasing
And since I can't cut without fighting with my bf,
I have to do it in other ways.
Ways he doesn't notice.

I had sent a text earlier about fasting today
And my boyfriend saw.
Immediatey he asked if I meant fasting as in using drugs to go fast.
I tried to explain fasting to him,

But he didn't understand. I'm not sure if I want him to. Would wanting support from him mean he would try to get me to stop? I don't want to stop.

I feel like I only need to see my weight,

To get back on track. To keep me accountable. I'm gonna have to work out a way to weigh

I need to know.

I might have to fill in for a couple of hours at work, which I am not excited about. Being so close to all of that food, means I will probably eat. I am already dizzy as it is, I know my body couldn't handle working without at least a little bit of fuel.

Today I have had:

Monster (210)

Soda (140)

And as that is all liquids, it brings my total to 350. I know I can burn that off in just the few hours that I might be required to work. Ill post my weight tomorrow if I can find a way to weigh myself. If I can find the motivation.

Too Much, Not Enough

Today was pretty much the busiest day of the season, and I didn't work. I wish I had, though.
Instead I have say around, not even doing much in the way of exercise.
If I don't exercise, then I sure as hell don't deserve to eat. I'm at 17 hours of fasting, and hungrier than I would like to be.
I thought about asking my boyfriend to make me some food, but I eventually came to the conclusion that doing such a thing would be admitting defeat.
I am not hungry, I do not need to eat.
Instead, I smoke cigarettes to ease my hunger. And I actually thought for one moment that I might want to quit? Haha. Right.

I'm still not sure where I am staying tonight. Last night I slept in a boat, because we were unable to get a hotel. I would just as soon sleep there again if it meant not spending money we don't have on just one night of a hotel. But it seems I am the only one thinking that.
(If I spent money on a hotel, I wouldn't have money to buy food then either) <--- That's what I care about.
I'm not sure how I am supposed to be thinking about anything in life when I seem to only be able to focus on work (or lack thereof) and trying to find somewhere to live.
Those two things and the fact that I have zero support from my family seem like reason enough for me.

I think I'm going to go buy a monster (25) in hopes that it helps, cuz god damn. But I have to be strong. This is only the beginning to getting my control back.
Empty is strong.
I am defined as the space between my thighs.

Just Pass On By...

I feel like it's hard to put my thoughts together enough to speak them, so I usually stay silent. But here, I have a voice. Whether it's heard or not is another story... But at least I have one.

What is it I love about my job? I love the atmosphere, as it's so relaxed. I don't feel so much like everyone is waiting for me to fuck up anymore. I love that my boyfriend works there too, because he brings me mental peace where otherwise I wouldn't have it. I love that I get to smoke weed every day, any time I want. I love the restaurant itself.
But my boss is... Not the brightest.
And given my current situation, I need hours, and I need a higher check. But instead he keeps hiring more people with less hours, and I can't have that right now.
My boyfriend has worked here for at least 5 years, and I guess he is tired of the job. He wants to go find another job, and one that has better pay.
So with that being said, I am unsure if I should wait to find another job because when he leaves, someone will have to fill the hours he currently works. So maybe that would be a possibility that I could have more hours and get to keep my job?
I'm not sure what the right move is, and there is also the fact that I still don't have my GED. How will that effect me when I try to get a job? ):

Tonight is the last night that we might possibly get to stay in a hotel. Even that's iffy though because I won't know until after I get off work, and by then it would be too late to cancel the reservation.
I hate this! I feel like since my boyfriend works full time most days, everything is up to me. I hate making decisions. I hate the way things have turned out.
The first night we got the hotel room (about 3 days ago) I wasn't sure if you had to be 21 to book a room, so I asked my grandfather if he would book it for me and let me pay him back with cash. He agreed, but once he got home my grandmother called me and told me that they'd help me get the room this once, but never again. When I asked her why, she basically exolained to me that I only wanted the room so I could have sex with my boyfriend. How could she even think that, since she knows my situation right now?!

I also don't understand why she hates my boyfriend and our relationship so much. The first few times he came with me to my grandparents, if he came inside he always made small talk with her and was polite in answering her questions. He made it clear that he never wanted to meet my dad, which was never a problem with me. I don't want to see him either. So of course he wouldn't come inside if my dad was there, which again, I understand.
When I told my grandmother that I was having trouble finding an apartment, she suggested that I move in somewhere alone and he move in somewhere else. When I tried explaining to her that he has nowhere to go either, she said that we could stay at her house on the condition that we sleep on seperate couches (my grandparents have two couches. One upstairs, and one downstairs).
So, needless to say, I can't go there.
And the rest of my family isn't even trying to reach out and help me.

My grandma also seems to think that my relationship with him is only temporary. God, I sure hope not. I spent three years in a long distance relationship. I thought I loved him then, and maybe, in my own way I did. But what I feel for my boyfriend, or rather how I feel is... different. I find myself caught up in him in ways I never have before. I honestly think I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I know how stupid that sounds when we've only been together about 3 months. So I will just have to prove it in the only way I can - time. But I just wish everyone else could see what I see in him... Despite his flaws.

My moods change so quickly. It's kind of easy to upset my balance (aka, going from totally fine, happy even, to wanting to use my blade or get hit by a train in only a few minutes) and I try not to let it show. I hate that about myself, too. Man, I should reeeaaallly make a list of why I hate myself one of these days. I bet it'd be pretty fucking long.

Winter is coming, and soon. I worry that we won't have a place to go by then, and just like now, not have money to even sleep in a hotel. I fucking hate this, and it shouldn't be this way since we make a decent amount of money. I'm starting to believe the people who say I had this coming. I'm starting to believe it's my fault too, just like everything else.

This morning I was in a rush to get to work and not be kate, but I absolutely HAD to take a shower. I took off my diamond necklace as I always do when showering, and I usually always remember to put it back on. But in my rush this morning, I guess I forgot. Fuck me, right?
It just sent me left because I always fucking do this.
I've lost my phone 4+ times.
I've lost keys.
I've lost bus cards.
I've lost ID's.
I've lost money.
I recently lost my ipod.

I ALWAYS lose everything that matters to me. And now, I have probably lost my diamond necklace as well.
I don't deserve to have anything of value. I'm so about ready to just give my phone to my boyfriend as well, since eventually I will probably lose that too.
I have, actually. But I was lucky enough to get it back. I probably won't next time.

Oh, and this morning while I was walking down the cement stairs of the hotel, I dropped my phone. It fell down about 6 stairs and the screen cracked. Only a tiny bit, but still. I shoild have a phone case, but I don't know where that is either. I haven't seen that since I lost the $1000.
Do you see why I get frustrated?

I try to relax and not let these little things bother me, but they build up and eventually I just get so fed up.

I hate this body. I can't accept it, and I don't know what it weighs. I have my scale, but I never seem to have the chance to step on it properly. I'm afraid of the number, but not knowing it is giving me so much anxiety.

I only work from 6 to 10 tonight, which sucks. I have 19 hours this week, and 18 next week. So in total I have about 37 hours. That isn't much, but it is more than I had last week. *sigh* I don't even know where I want to start looking for a job at yet, but I should probably start soon.

Well, this post is already much longer than I anticipated it would be, but I will update more later.

Untitled

First I want to say that I'm typing this on my phone and therefore I apologize if there are any mistakes. Bear with me.

So my boyfriend and I were staying with two of his friends (M and C) at their apartment. On the 15th of August we paid them $1000 in cash, since I don't have checks and only my card, to move in. That's $500 for rent, $500 deposit. They started having issues with us and i'm still not really sure what about. My boyfriend accidentally spilt a soda on their carpet, and we tried to clean it up as best as possible although we didn't have a carpet cleaner. But I guess also part of it was tracking in grease from our jobs. Essentially, nothing too damaging, and all could have been fixed with a carpet cleaner. The final day we were there, I was working but my boyfriend's was there with his friend J. The one that came on to me and insulted me greatly before I actually got with my boyfriend.
Both of us knew that M and C didn't allow smoking inside. So we smoked outside. I guess J hit his e-cigarette inside and left some kind of ash on the table, which started an argument when M got home. J had to leave, and the fight turned to M saying that my boyfriend and I don't clean up after ourselves.
I will admit, that morning my boyfriend left to go take care of his warrants and I was running late to work. So I left our blankets on the floor and whatnot and left to walk the 22 blocks to work. I figured my boyfriend would get back from taking care of his shit and clean it up since he had the day off and I was running late to work. But otherwise neither my boyfriend or I had much stuff there. So then I guess M told my boyfriend to get out, so he grabbed some stuff and left. Out of the $1000 we originally gave them, M gave my bf $100 to go take care of his fine, and said he would give us $450 back but was keeping the deposit for the carpets. Then after some more bullshit, he changed his mind and said that he wasn't giving any of it back and wouldn't even give us a chance to clean the carpets.
My boyfriend went there to get the rest of our shit and got a little loud. He later told me that M called the cops on him for being beligerant and that only ended up bring a waste of time.
So we are now homeless, out $1000, and it's so dumb. We spent two days at my mom's just so we would have somewhere to sleep, but tonight she isn't letting us stay there. I went around looking for an apartment that my boyfriend and I could rent and basically got told that it is impossible because neither of us have credit, and you're required to make a minimum salary a year, which we don't meet. We would need to find a cosigner, which is basically someone who makes the salary and is consenting to pay the rent should we fail to. But we haven't found anyone. Funny how my family wouldn't step up here, right? It isn't like they would have to pay anything, it is just a guarentee that the rent will be paid. But between me and my boyfriend, we make more than enough to cover rent - we just don't meet the salary requirement.

In terms of getting our money back from his friends, I was told the only option I had was to sue them, though I later found out that because we didn't sign any agreement to make it legal, there isn't any proof that we paid them and therefore going to court would only be a waste of more money that we don't have.

I was over at my grandparents the other day and they basically tried to convince me to move in somewhere alone and have my boyfriend move in somewhere else. I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. I need him, like I need oxygen to breathe. I would rather be homeless and with him, than anywhere without him. But they can't seem to understand that.

I stayed at my mom's for two nights, while my boyfriend talked to our boss (and his friend) about cosigning on an apartment for us. He eventually said no, and since we can't go to my mom's again tonight, we are trying to get him to help us get a hotel room for a day or two since you have to be 21.

It feels like everywhere I look there are age restrictions and shit that only further prevents me from living my life. Why is it so hard? I just want somewhere to live, with my boyfriend. Is that so much to ask?

It's almost 9pm here, and I still don't know if we are going to be able to get that hotel room tonight. I fucking hate being homeless. It is fucking with me mentally, a lot more than I would like to admit to my boyfriend. I am gonna cut, it's just a matter of when.

--

It had taken me a few days to write this post, as my mental state isn't the best right now. I did not find a hotel that night, though a few days ago I got a hotel for 2 nights.

A new hire will be coming to the restaurant that I work at, and will be hired on full time. WTF?! I need more hours, and so does another of my co-workers. But our boss said before that he didn't have the money to pay for labor above a certain amount because he is opening up a new restaurant this week. So if he is hiring another person, when he already has people that need more hours on his staff, then I guess I'm to find another job.
I'm incredibly fucjing hummed about that because working where I do now, I don't consider it a job. I love working there.
You know the saying "If you love the job you're doing, you will never work a day in your life." ?
This is the perfect example of that. I love my job, and goddammit I don't want another one!

I stayed at my mom's for another two nights, as much as she didn't want me there.
I still haven't found somewhere to live and I have tried finding roommates or even simply people renting a room but haven't realky found anything.
I guess if it comes down to it, there is always Walmart. Or camping. (bad joke...)

For now though, I have to pay $120 for a hotel for two more nights and then it's just to wait to get paid again next week... I fucking hate being homeless..

I get told often that I see too many of the "negatives" in a situation and not enough "positives". I believe that I am a pessimist at heart and that is why I try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible.
No wonder I'm impossible to love.

For the first time in too long, I have fasted today. I have only had 2 Monster energy drinks (25) and a little bit of Mtn. Dew when I get dizzy (170). All liquids, which I am happy with. And it remains under 200 calories, so I am safe.
My boyfriend offered me french fries earlier and I said no. So, he threw them away. I don't know why, but that bothered me a lot. I was happy to have not eaten them, but I felt bothered when he threw them away. I hate the idea of wasted food, I always have. Usually I, just make someone eat it so it doesn't go to waste.

My random thought for the day: I wonder if weed has calories? Probably not, but maybe?

Anyways, that's enough to say for now. More than enough, actually...

Ranting/Venting

This morning was stressful. I woke up at about 5am from a nightmare. My boyfriend is getting tired of it, I think. Because I am so about leaving the past in the past, but unfortunately for me this is something I can't seem to leave. I didn't want it to follow me here, but it did.
I never really got back to sleep after that, as per usual. When we finally got up at about 9, one of the first things he told me while I was smoking my morning cigarette was that one of our roommates had accused me of, essentially, snooping. I didn't really know what to say, and I still don't. I just told my boyfriend that I wasn't like that, and he said that's what he had told her as well.
But really, she had to mention it to her boyfriend, who mentioned it to my boyfriend, who then mentioned it to me. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? I thought I finally grew out of elementary school bullshit when I dropped out of high school. But I guess not.
Was I wrong to be upset? I still kind of am, because I can admit, as a kid I was that kind of person. I snuck around in almost everything that I did, and eventually I changed everything about who that was. I am not like that anymore, and I never care to go back. I guess it only matters that I know I wasn't snooping in their room. But I guess it still hurts because do they really think of me like that? I already thought that they didn't like me and didn't want me in their apartment... But I guess that just kind of proves it?
My boyfriends car had to be left at work last night and when we went to go get it, her boyfriend came with us. My boyfriend and him started talking and eventually my boyfriend told him that an "ex" of mine (we were never together, we were pretty much just fuck buddies during a really dark time in my life) took advantage of me in the past and that he wanted to go kick this guy's ass. I understand that he didn't really say too much that was revealing, but I feel like now he is going to look at me weird because I am "that girl". The one who can be taken advantage of. I guess because of my past and the sexual abuse, I just feel like it's branded into me and that anyone who sees me know knows. It's so stupid, but I guess that's my life.
So needless to say, I was upset.

My boyfriend also has a problem with my ex's because I guess he has been cheated on in the past. So have I. I know how that feels, and therefore I would never even consider it in the first place. But even if an ex of mine messages me because at one point we may have been friends after our breakup, he doesn't seem to see that I have no interest in them. I guess part of it could be that once you are cheated on, you're always going to be wary of being cheated on again, but it's a trust thing. He has to trust me enough to let me show him that I won't cheat on him. Because actions speak louder than words, so he has to give me time. I don't know what else I can say that will show him that I love him and that he is the one I want to be with. So then I get insecure and it just turns into a fight.

Eventually I told my boyfriend what was up and we kind of worked it out, but I still can't really let it go.
I'm just uncomfortable now around them now. I don't want to look them in the eyes, and I want to spend as little time around them as possible. Which would probably make me seem more antisocial, but I don't know what else to do.

I'm way too insecure. Every little thing turns into something in my head, and though I don't voice the majority of it to him. But it is taking it's toll on me. I want to fight for him, but I just don't know how to make this work. I don't want to cause any issues with his friends, because I want them to like me. I know he would choose them over me, just because he has known them longer and I'm just a girl. So therefore I don't want to make him choose.

I guess the one positive note I have for today is that I realized something. Before I met my boyfriend, I would have more bad days than good and I didn't think it would ever be the other way around. But somehow, without ever realizing it was happening, I started to have more good days than bad. Sure, I have bad moments in the day and I have a lot of internal shitstorms, but overall I'm happy. And happy isn't something I thought I could be.
I've also become somewhat of a better person since meeting my boyfriend. I stopped doing Meth, along with other drugs. I didn't want to stop, but I wanted him more and I stopped without realizing it. I stopped cutting for the most part, though that is still a struggle. I at least cut a hell of a lot less than I want to, because of him.
I'm happy.
And that's why I would do anything it took to keep him. This isn't like all the other "relationships" I had. This one actually counts. I want to fight for him if that's what it takes more than I have ever wanted to fight for anyone... Ever. What makes such a thing possible with him, I don't know. But I only know that I honestly can't picture myself without him.
And hopefully I never have to.

I still have more to write, but the rest will have to wait until tomorrow because I'm pretty fucking tired and have to work all day tomorrow. 11 to 9, wee. Only 10 hours from now, and there is shit to be done before then as well.

Well.

I had a bagel for breakfast, along with some ramen around 1am this morning. So that totals up to 560 calories.
I had intended to go to the gym before I went to work today, however I realized just how little time I actually had and therefore can't do that. But as I will be walking the 3 miles from my house to work, that should burn around 100 cals (maybe) and then the 6 hours I spend standing at work should help out as well. So I would estimate burning about 150 -200 cals doing that.
So my total intake for the day would be 360 cals. When I get home, if I am not too tired I know I will find some other form of exercise that I can do.

Still don't know my weight. I know that I should weigh myself, but I just can't make myself face the music. If today goes well though, I'll weigh in tomorrow. If it doesn't, then I guess it's just to try again tomorrow and weigh the next day.

I am so not looking forward to work, considering how the last day I worked went. I hate my coworkers. They are lazy fucking people and I hate them. But it's just to smile and pretend that they're fucking geniuses I guess. Until I can find another job.
Once my boyfriend pays off his warrant, he is going to get another job. Which I don't know how I feel about because I understand why he wants to get another job but at the same time I don't know who I would be working there if he wasn't there as well. If that makes any sense.

Just too many thoughts that I don't know what to do with and sometimes I feel like it's so hard to talk to my boyfriend because I don't want him to leave me because I'm that "insecure clingy girlfriend". I'm just gonna put in my headphones today and blast my music so I don't have to listen to my thoughts... at least until I go to work.

Emotional Purge

I can't stop what feels like a downward spiral. I'm beginning to hate myself to the point of violence... again. Last time it happened I got so fed up with myself after months and months of it that I attempted suicide... This time, it's not quite that simple.
But when I snap, what will I do?
Will I remember?

My boyfriend wants me to completely give up cutting. I tried, before. I still got the incredible urges, and I couldn't always say no. But I self harmed in other ways that weren't so obvious and noticeable. But about a week ago, I gave in and I ended up making a few shallow cuts on my arm. My boyfriend knows, and I haven't cut since, though I want to. I want to so much.
At the place I am living now, our roommates (I guess you could call them that?) don't know about that. I have worn shorts a few times and before there were fresh cuts on my arms I would wear tank tops. Which, sure they would see my scars but they couldn't really judge me for that. Because as far as they knew I wasn't doing that anymore. But since I have put fresh ones there, I have made an effort not to wear anything that would show them. The other night I spaced at for a second and took my hoodie off while I was wearing a tank top and one of the roommates gave me such a look. She kept staring from my face to my arm, and I kept trying to turn away from her and grab my jacket at the same time so that I could put it back on. But the fact remains that now she knows... and I can only imagine what they think of me now. They probably don't want a freak like me in their house anymore but just don't want to say anything to me.
I just want to cut more.

Every time I see my cuts since they happened, I just want to cut more because I think I'm pathetic. I know that cutting is still cutting, no matter how shallow or deep the cut. But in my own fucked up twisted logic of hating myself, because I made shallow cuts at the time, I think I'm something of a failure. Like I don't even deserve to have scars because they aren't "bad enough". Though I have been told by my boyfriend and my then-best-friend that my cuts and scars are absolutely something they need to worry about. But it seems like something so pathetic to me. And that only makes me want to make ones much deeper. And many more.

I feel so over sensitive sometimes that I just don't even think my thoughts are worth voicing. Like when I take things that my boyfriend says personally when I know that they aren't. But that doesn't stop it.
The other night I got so frustrated with myself because one simple thought multiplied and turned into a storm of thoughts. I got seriously violent for the first time in almost a year. I started punching things, but it wasn't enough because I wanted to hit something that would hit me back. I did bruise my knuckles though, and possibly left a bruise on my leg, but that pain will fade in a few days and I will be back to square one.

I love my boyfriend more than I have ever loved anyone, and I would do absolutely anything to keep him. I strive to be a better person for him, to be something he deserves to be with. But sometimes I think it's impossible and that I should just save him the trouble of being let down when he sees just how truly unfit for him I am. He wanted me to stop cutting. So I have been making an honest effort to not cut for him. I miss it though. And as he told me... "You shouldn't miss something like that."

So then what does that say about me?

I do miss it.

Every. Day.

To go entirely without it, and to get rid of my blades... I don't know if I can do it.

Then that brings the thoughts of my eating disorder.

Because I want to be someone he deserves, I would have to give up both self harm and my ED. Who would I be without that? What would I do with myself, where would I be? What would I spend my time on?

Somehow I feel like a fraud if I ever mention it to my boyfriend because yes, since I have met him I have improved a little bit. I eat, much more often than I would like. And I am as fat as a fucking whale. But I guess a little part of me feels the need to reach my UGW of 108 lbs, despite what that could mean. Will he stick around for that? Or will he give up on me long before I can reach it?

And why do I feel like I have something to prove?

I get frustrated because when I tell him I am not hungry, he doesn't want to eat either. It kind of feels like a game, but then again is it? Usually I give in and eat something anyways even though it only increases my hatred. But I can't keep doing that. Not if he wants me to stop cutting. I need to stop giving myself reasons to cut, which means I need to start starving.

How do I make this work?

I guess it's just a matter of waiting to get paid.

The only things I will be buying to eat are

Chicken Noodle Soup (150, though if I eat only half a can it's 75)

Lettuce (5)

Tomato (22)

Eggs to boil (17)

Shiritaki Noodles (I've heard zero calories, but I have never tried them)

So only about 119 calories worth of food. Then I can satisfy both myself, Ana, and my boyfriend because at least I will be eating, and I can easily burn off anything that I eat plus at least another 600 calories which means I should definitely see a loss. And I am going to aim to make it a week. Sometime, eventually I want to get a bowl. One that will be specifically mine that I can use to measure my food. Since I think people would look at me weird, (my boyfriend included) I'm holding off on actually buying kitchen scales until I can get my own place.

I'm thinking of getting back into the habit of taking laxatives. I have been too afraid to weigh myself recently because I feel like I am never truly empty and therefore will have an incorrect weight. But since my digestive system has finally began to function somewhat normally I'm afraid taking laxatives again will fuck that up again. But if I am honest, I'm also afraid that the number will send me back into depression.

I don't know if my boyfriend would stick around for that one either. Nobody wants to be with someone who's depressed, and that might be the one thing that shows him how unworthy of him I am. And if that happens, then I don't even want to think about who I would become. Ana would entirely take over again, and I would probably start self harming again. If not worse.

There is a gym here, that I haven't been to check out since we came here... but still. I should be going there every day. 

I should have no excuse to not go. I need to be burning calories, instead of sitting on my fat ass. I think when my boyfriend goes to work, that's what I will start doing. Spending all day at the gym, instead of eating. That would have to make my weight go down. And my weight absolutely has to go down, because right now I absolutely cannot stand myself.... I don't even want to touch myself. If my hand even accidentally touches my thigh, I find it hard not to automatically flinch because it's only a reminder of how fat I am. When my boyfriend touches me sometimes or wraps his arms around me, I feel like a whale. I judge myself based on how his arms feel around me. Which is so stupid, but I guess that's fucked up ED logic for you.

Winter is coming fast. It's already almost the end of August, and when Winter does come, what will I do? It would be so easy to cut and to hide it under layers. I can lose a lot of weight during the Winter too. But again, if I want my boyfriend to stick around, I can't cut.

This clash is new to me. Usually, nobody gives a fuck. Nobody has ever meant enough to me to make any impact on my self harm or habits. But he has, and I don't even know why. I love him enough to want to keep him around no matter what that means... But am I strong enough to actually carry that through and stop the things that would push us apart?

What means more to me?

This month of August has been incredibly hard for me as well. Everyone is going back to school, sending their kids to school, or settling into college. Where am I?

Will I ever get my GED?

Is college even a possibility for me anymore?

Even if I do get my GED, will I ever forgive myself?

Ever stop feeling like the failure I know i am?

Every day it just seems to get farther and farther away.

The pain doesn't go away. That's probably the reason I hate myself so much right now. Because I promised myself nothing but perfection. I promised I would get straight A's and graduate with a 4.0 because I knew I could do it and I had to be the best. I promised myself graduation, and going to college for something unique. I was going to make myself worthy of existing. Then Ana got in the way. My depression got in the way. I got in the way, and my demons became too much.

Since dropping out, I don't go a single second knowing how much of a failure I am. Other people don't and if they ask me I will defend my decision to drop out until I am blue in the face. But behind that bullshit, I want nothing more than to go back. To rewind time. And that's the ONE thing I can't do. Even if I get my GED, I will never be able to say I was a graduate. When people ask, they will automatically think less of me because I didn't graduate high school.

I wasn't strong enough.

That's holding me back, in so many ways. I will never be someone I deserved to be. That's the one thing I can't see changing my mind about because ever since I was in Elementary school, I made that my identity. I set my mind on something and I was going to accomplish it. But instead I let everything get in the way when I was so fucking close and now, how can I forgive myself? I didn't think of a back up plan. I didn't even consider the idea of failure. But I am the walking example of that.

I can't forget it.

And rather than deal with the pain that causes me, rather than talk about it... I'll just ignore it and pretend I don't see it. Pretend I don't feel it. Pretend it never happened.. until I can't anymore. Maybe then I will make myself something worth existing. But right now I honestly don't believe I am, and that alone is enough to makes this impossible to stop.