Random pain..

I have this weird pain in my chest. It’s like when I breathe in, I get a sharp pain right underneath my collarbones, and I can’t breathe. It’s literally so painful, for a few moments, that it feels like I've been stabbed. I don’t know why. It’s not a side effect of anything, and it started yesterday. Though it’s definitely gotten worse today. I don’t know what to do about it. It doesn't have a pattern; it’s not triggered by anything that I can tell. It just happens. I just want it to go away. I know I’m dehydrated, and I need to start drinking more water, I’m gaining weight because of this. I drank a shit load of sweet tea yesterday, last night and this morning. It’s so good, but not at the same time. How much do I have to drink to not be dehydrated anymore? Ahhh! >.< Anyways, this is interrupting me writing my English essay,  so I’m going to get back to that and not get so distracted. I hope this pain goes away soon. Toodles! ^_^

Perfect Tuesday!

I don't know what it is. I really don't. Last night I paced through my room reading a book and listening to music, for about 3 hours. I couldn't sit down. I had so much energy. Even when I wanted to stop, I kept going. And I'll admit, it felt good. It felt good to feel myself using energy, starting to feel hungry.
Which is weird, as I start getting hungry at random times now.

I finally fell asleep at about 12 am. Then I decided that I would wake up at 5:30 this morning, and take a shower, and take my time getting ready for school. It felt amazing.and I wasn't tired at all. I was in the best mood, and my shower made it even better. And then I still had time to get to school, and I was in no rush. The whole way on the bus going to school, I was listening to my music, and having the best time ever. I don't know why. I don't care about what I weighed, and today when I got dressed, I actually liked what I saw in the mirror. There was no "You need to lose weight here" or "You're not good enough" or anything like that. I like my reflection today. I have no idea what's going on, but I promise I'm not on drugs.

I have been reading 50 Shades of Freed, and I'm so excited that I get to read it. I love these books! I know they are all the hype right now, but I do really like them. There's just something about they way they are written and the story line, I like them. Sure, some say it's like Twilight, but I like those books too, so oh well! (:

My dad bought our tickets to got to Hawaii! I am so excited, I get to spend two weeks there. On the beaches, having a nice time in the sun, while it snows here. I swear, my weather here is Bipolar. One morning   it's snowing and freezing outside, then in the afternoon, it's like 70 degrees. I don't understand it.
So I'm super super excited to go to Hawaii in January for 2 weeks!

I have no work to do for most of my classes, and therefore I can just relax. I don't actually want to go to any of my classes today, except maybe psychology and Algebra II. Otherwise, I'd rather just ditch them. But I'll go anyways, it can't hurt.

I also found out that my counselor hasn't been ignoring me. She was worried about me enough to go ask my friend how I was doing, and if I was okay. I don't want to go talk to her just yet. Not until my arm has healed, because I'm scared I'll tell her everything, and I don't want that right now. I am finally in a good place, and I'd love to see the results on Friday. It's not been entirely successful, but at the same time, I guess that's how it should be.
I want to go talk to her but I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if I should. I'm gonna think about it and see hoe it goes later. No point in worrying about it today.

Today is a very good, day, and while I don't know why it is this way, I am going to enjoy it and have fun! (^-^)

Me today!

Pictures! (:

Remember: There is one thing you can do better than anyone else on this planet. One thing that nobody can ever come close to being. And that's you.

Almost Monday.. Again!

I woke up really really late today, and I couldn't believe it. I hated it, actually. I feel so sluggish and slow now. But maybe getting active, going for a run, and staying busy will help with that.

I didn't get to hang out with a friend today, she didn't ever get back to me on hanging out. Well whatever, I'll just enjoy my "me" time today. I could use some of that.

I do have some homework that I've got to get done, but I'm in no hurry to do it. I am not stressed out, or negative, and I'm enjoying it. I've found motivation to get back on track, and so far, it's mostly gone really well!

Now, all I have to work on is being kinder to my friends, not pushing them away 100%. I don't know why I did that, other than that I don't have the energy to maintain my friendships, and that everything they do irritates me. I gotta get over that. Still combating the negative thoughts. (:

I have had a good weekend so far, I feel ready to go back to school, but not till tomorrow.

I don't even know.

This is a failed attempt at writing out my thoughts, hopefully some of it makes sense.

You've only got so many days, so why not make every day worth living for? <3

Randomness... again!

I miss running.
Have I said that before?
I don't think I have.

I MISS RUNNING.

There. I've said it.

I think I'm going to try to go for a run today, just because I want to.
But other than that, I just want to relax. I am in the mood to clean, and blast music. I'll finally do my chores, and clean my room, and have a good day. I am not going to worry about eating, or what I weigh, or how I look. I'm not going to worry about myself at all today.

I am hopefully going to hang out with a friend of mine tomorrow, I really need to hang out with friends. I've never hung out with this particular friend, as we didn't used to live so close. But then I found out that she moved really close, and now I want to hang out with her. She is such an inspiration to me, because even with everything she's gone through, she still stands strong. I want to be like that.

I've started writing poetry again, and I wrote this really good poem that I was so proud of, and then I misplaced it and now I can't find it. Grr. I can't believe that.

I am finally caught up in school, so that is free from my weekend. I don't have any plans really for doing anything, other than relaxing, and breathing. I am trying to take life one day at a time.

Yesterday I was at the Denver Art Museum, and we were looking at the Dinosaur Exhibit. And there's this one part where if you look at the Dinosaur, you can see an Elk riding the Dino! It was pretty amazing! :D It made me smile, and I tried to take a picture, but I couldn't because it was too dark there.

I am also trying to combat the negative thoughts in my head. Like tell myself the opposite of whatever negative though I am thinking at that moment, to try to be more positive. I think it might actually be working. And I am trying to keep it that way. :D

Just thought I'd write out everything, since I've been having a lot of negative days lately, and I wanted to express a positive one!

Quotation!

Why? You want to know why? Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight. Smoke gunpowder, and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and worst of all "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop. Look in the mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.

Yo-yo

I feel like I'm a yo yo.
Only here's how my yoyo works:
I eat a lot, then feel like shit for the next few days, then restrict, and then eat something, and panic, and do something self destructive, then eat a lot, then restrict, then eat something small, then panic, then do something self destructive, etc.

I know this is not good.
I never said it was good.

It's just how I am, how I go through my life. Looking at everything, but not really anything. Trying to make it through one day at a time. One day means I'm okay. All while trying my hardest to get to my goal.

Tomorrow is a restrict day. Which means I'm only allowed to drink liquids. I'm also getting the chance to weigh myself tomorrow, so then maybe I'll like what I see.

I haven't been running much, it's getting colder. It's supposed to snow tomorrow and the day after that, so no more running. I need to find a substitute. I hate the cold, but I'm not willing to become a vegetable again. I need to move.

I wish there was someone here that I could text, or something, someone going through all of this shit that could understand everything. It's not something you can understand unless you've been through it, and not to push people away if they haven't been through it. They can still understand it, but it's just in a different way.

I hate Winter. I'm always cold. Always. I can never get warm, no matter how many layers I have.

This is a rambling post. It's more for me than for anyone...

Some people I go to school with are starting to look on Blogspot, so I'm scared they'll find my blog. I don't want any of them to know, especially not my friends. So I might be changing my name here, if I can figure out how.

Now it's more homework time, as that's all I've been doing for the past 3 days. Woo. I'm also going to take a hot shower, and try to destress.

Zombie Crawl!

My Zombie Crawl dress before destroyed!

K and I's makeup

Zombie!

Batman!

At first, I thought these guys were fer real..

This was a man...

Busy Busy Busy!

I have gotten a lot of work done today, but it seems that there's always more to do. I don't seem to have any time to relax, and it's only Monday. I've got a lot of tests coming up, and catching up on work from the last 3 weeks is so much to do.
I miss sleeping in in the mornings, but now I have to use my off hour to do work. And I usually stay after school.
But it's worth it. My grades have improved a lot so far, and I know that they can get back to where they were. I haven't done anything around my house in the last few weeks, I'm surprised my dad hasn't said anything about it.

He is planning on going to Hawaii in January, for about 12 days. I am so excited, we get to go see volcanoes, and the islands, and I get to be on the beach in 80 weather in the middle of my Winter.
What could be better??

I am so looking forward to this, but not the amount of work that I'm going to have to do when I get back. Time to think about that later though!

Today was a pretty good day, and I hope tomorrow is as well. :D

Mondays normally suck...

But not today! (:

I feel like I can really start kicking this thing in the ass. Like getting back on top of school, trying not to let my anxiety and ED get in the way of everything.

I need the distraction.

I am so sore from Saturday, and it's a good kind of pain. Every time I take a step, or get up, or move at all really, it hurts. But that just means that I've started to build muscle really. Not that that was my goal, but yeah. It is kinda nice, because when I start Winterguard again, it would be nice to not have to go through all the pain of building the muscle.

I'm thinking of going to the library after school to work, to finally get all my work done. I've got an English Essay I forgot to turn in on Friday... So I am for sure going to turn it in today. Even now, as I write this, I'm doing Psych homework.

I've gotta say, it feels kinda nice to get back to doing my work. It gives me a purpose, something to work towards. Instead of allowing me to wallow in my head, I can actually do something. I got this.

Wow. Mood change much?

I guess it's not a bad thing, as now my mood is good, happy, strong, etc. But nonetheless, that was a huge jump from the last few weeks. Maybe I'm not such a negative person. I can be positive too!

Today, I realized that all in all, I don't have that much work to do. I guess I haven't missed that much, in my time of inhabiting my head instead of the outside world. So basically, tuning out the world. Not giving a fuck.
So I'm gonna try to get all of my work done and make this week the least stressful week, so I can have more time to exercise more time to relax. (:
I've realized, just now, that i'm tired of being sad, angry, upset, negative, etc. all the time. I need to laugh, and smile, and be happy, but without my friends. That, I need a break from. Just for a while. I can do this. I will get that girl back, and life will be worth living again. It just takes time.

I'm really in need of some new music, so if anyone has any suggestions, comment below please! I listen to pretty much any kind of music, but not so much rap. Even that's iffy though, as I've begun to love "Till I Collapse" by Eminem. Weird, right?

Not entirely sure where my good mood has come from, but whatever! I'm just gonna go with it!
Hope everyone has a good day, I'll write more later, as well as post pictures from Homecoming and the Zombie Crawl! ^_^

I like the message, but the guy in the background is a little.... stupid.
Like that's the only reason the the main reason why we all hold on.
I disagree.

Deadly Beauty - Faces Without Names

This is my all time favorite song right now. The lyrics are so inspiring, and they keep me going, keep me okay.

My "Best friend" isn't a best friend. I was so excited about going to the Zombie Crawl, and also going to Homecoming. I was looking forward to it. But now I wish I hadn't gone.
When we were getting ready for the Zombie Crawl, it was great. I was excited, I looked pretty horrifying. I'll post pictures later. But I had so much fun, and I was excited. So many people there were looking insane as in they had wicked costumes and stuff, as Zombies, Zombie Hunters, or even Survivors. The Survivors were getting tackled and chased by the Zombies, and it was so much fun to watch. I didn't look that scary, I tried. I was supposed to have died in a nightclub, burned to death. I think I should have used more blood.
But it was so much fun. Then I got home, and took a shower and stuff to get ready for Homecoming, and went to meet my friend at her house, so we could go do our nails, makeup, and hair. My grandma and I ended up having a small argument, because I was having issues with my hair, and we didn't have a hairdryer. She wouldn't let me curl my hair while it was still wet, so I ended up having to do it at K's house. (K is my "Best friend")
We got ready, and it was so much fun. I actually thought I looked really pretty.

When we got into the dance, there were 4 of us. K, I, and 2 other friends. One of the other friends and I went to dance, and we had fun. K and the other friend didn't want to dance and be crazy. I was having fun, and that's what I was trying to do, seeing as all the couples there made me sad. They kept playing slow songs too. I hated those, because I couldn't even be crazy then. Anyways.

Then K and one of our friends left, I don't know where they went. And the friend who was dancing with me didn't want to, she kept texting all night. She didn't want to dance and have fun, she just wanted to be on her phone. It made me mad, I'll admit.

When we left at 11, I found out that K had spent about half the dance in the auditorium, away from everyone. And I felt bad. But all she kept saying was that she didn't have fun, that she didn't want to go, that it was stupid. That everything about it sucked, and all this negative stuff. I wanted to just scream  shut the hell up! If you weren't going to have a good time, you shouldn't have gone!!!" Anyways, I was supposed to spend the night at K's house, but she kept ignoring me. Like she went to eat, and just left me on the couch. But whatever. Then she came in and was like "I'm going to bed. Turn the TV off when you come up." and I thought that was rude because I was only staying up because she was there. So we both went to bed, and then she kept telling me to do stuff when I wanted to, but that she was gonna go to sleep. And that made me mad, because I didn't even want to do anything! I just wanted to go to bed, and I was tired as fuck. I didn't have anything to change into, so I ended up sleeping in my dress. -___-

This morning, she woke up and went to look at kittens with her mom, and just ignored me. I wasn't talking to her because I was pissed off at her, not that she knew. She made breakfast, and when I told her I wasn't hungry, she just ignored me. She went back to her moms room to look at kittens, as if I didn't even exist. And that made me mad, because I'm supposed to be hanging out with her!!! Ugh. So I just wanted to go home. Which is exactly what I did. I called my grandpa and asked him to come get me.

I can't even talk to her about anything anymore. The last time I tried talking to her about my Eating Disorder, and how I felt, she got mad at me and basically shut me out. That's what everyone is doing. And it really makes me feel like shit, because they obviously don't think that I'm in need of help. I can't even cry. So many times I've felt like bursting into tears,and I get the thick throat, but no tears will fall. And I think that's the one release I need right now. I haven't lost any weight, or I guess I can't tell anymore. My scale's messed up. Every time I eat, I want to self harm, or run or scream, or die. I can't even purge anymore. Don't ask me why, I don't know. But I can't.
I am not better, but I'm not getting worse.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I don't know what to say.
My grandma's forgotten about the counselor, and I don't know when I'll be able to talk to my school counselor again. I'm afraid to say certain things to her.

The only person that could really help is Lovely, and even she's got her own problems to deal with. So I don't blame her for not being able to talk to me whenever I need her. I wish there was more that I could do for her though. She is such an amazing person.

School is starting to reflect my moods. I can't focus, I haven't turned in many assignments, I don't care anymore. I failed two tests in Spanish, and one in Chem. I am currently failing 3 classes, and I hate it. I can't tell you that enough. But I guess that's my new normal. I hate this. I don't know what fighting means anymore. I'm tired of saying it. I can't say it enough. I just want to disappear things to be better. But I know it's up to me to get them there. Whatever.....
__________________________________

I hate this. I hate that I'm so dependent upon people, that I need people. It's got nothing to do with who they are, but I just hate that I have to talk to them, that I need them.

That I can't be strong without them.
I used to be able to. I used to be strong, independent, spontaneous, fun, crazy, happy, etc.

What happened to that girl?

I miss her. I want her back. I would do anything to get her back.

But I think that the me I am now, and that person I used to be, will never be the same person. Will never be one and the same again. I think it's impossible for us to co-exist. It's one or the other. I'd choose her any day. But I don't know how to choose her. I don't know how to get her back.

Pathetic, right?
I know.

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I should be stronger. I should be smarter. I shouldn't be failing multiple classes. I'm better than that. Or at least I used to be.
_________________________________

So that was my rant. My releasing of everything inside. If you read through all of that, congrats. Though I don't expect anyone to. I'm going to shut up now. And go run. I need to. I hate everything about myself right now. Maybe running will help.

It's Friday!!

I'm so happy that it's Friday.
Like honestly.

I am looking forward tot he weekend, because I don't have much to do, and tomorrow I get to go to the Zombie Crawl and to Homecoming and I promise to post pictures, if anyone's interested.

I woke up in a good mood for a change this morning, and I hope it sticks.
I took a test in Chem today, and I am pretty sure i'm going to fail. But at least it won't drop my grade anymore.

I also don't have much to do in my other classes, so I can just try to relax. That's what I need. I'm tired of feeling so depressed and horrible all the time. It's so complicated.

So today, i'm going to put a smile on my face, and enjoy it! :D

Blah!

I don't even know where to start. I mean.... I feel like everything is happening all at once. and I don't have a way to breathe.

Last night, I went to the memorial service for Jessica Ridgeway, my cousin. It was a beautiful memorial service, and I am happy that she will finally be somewhere that nobody can hurt her.

My grandma asked me about counseling last night, and I told her that I need it. She said we could talk to a friend of hers, to find out what kind of counselor I needed. I was hoping that if I got a counselor, they could do something to help me with my depression an anxiety.

I am honestly doubting this will happen, because it feels like nobody sees me anymore.

The last few days have been a mess of stress, binging  self harm, depression, and anxiety. It's like I'm either in a "Anxious self harm" mood or a "Depressed screw the world" mood. Neither are good. It's an emotional roller coaster. Everyone around me doesn't think that I'm depressed, or that I need help. I guess I'm really good at hiding it.

 I don't know for 100% sure if I'm depressed or not. But it sure as hell feels like it.

I was supposed to talk to my counselor today, but she double scheduled it, so I didn't get to. I really needed to talk to her, to someone, and it didn't matter. Now I'm just going to put my headphones in and bake a cake. Not that I'm going to eat any, but it would give me an excuse not to eat tonight. I can't take it. I haven't eaten in 2 days, and I feel good. At first it wasn't intentional, it just kinda happened, but now, I feel good. I don't know how long it will last.

I've got so much homework to do, I feel like I'm drowning. I get so frustrated because my teachers tell me that things are on their website, but when I go to find it, it's not there. And then it's like, how am I supposed to do it? Then they give a test on it, and I'm unprepared..... :(

I failed to Spanish tests today, or at least I think I did, because I didn't know a lot of the things they were talking about. This isn't my week for Spanish. I'm forgetting old vocab, not picking up the new...

It's so roller coaster like.

I'm gonna go put my headphones in, and sing to this amazing song that I'm in love with right now.

Not so random thoughts!

Today has just been kind of an eh day. I don't know what I would categorize it as.

One the one hand, I'm so hyped up and I can't stop moving. I don't WANT to stop moving.

But on the other hand, I'm actually quite tired, and don't want to do anything.

Last night I got locked out of my house, and as I was bored, I decided to try to talk to my "Best" friend. I say that because she doesn't act like one, and when I try to talk to her, she gets upset. Over nothing. Like last night, she said "I'm not in the mood." Kinda pissed off. So I asked her what was wrong, and she just said "Like you care. I'm not in the mood."  And I DO care. I mean, she's my best friend. She might not give a shit about me, but I still care about her.

I just don't even fucking know anymore.
I don't want to talk to her, look at her, be in the same room with her, anything. I just want her to go away.
It's the same way with everyone...

I also found out that I'm related to Jessica Ridgeway, a girl who was savagely murdered here near my house not too long ago. If you don't know what happened, you can read the article about it here. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20638890,00.html

It was horrible, and I didn't know I was related to her, so I'm kinda shocked.... I mean, wow. I'm actually going to her memorial service here in about half an hour. And though I can't believe that someone could ever do this to a young girl, I do hope that now her family can find peace.

I've got a ton of homework to do, so I'm hoping to start on that. Plus it will keep my mind occupied, at least I hope.

I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow, and hopefully she can help me do something to manage my anxiety. It's really getting out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. While I don't enjoy it, I'll take it over the emotional rollercoaster of the past few weeks any day!

Today isn't that bad, it's just eh. And now that I'm home I can just relax and be happy. I can blast music, and take my mind off of everything! (: It's a nice feeling.

It's only been 3 days?!

Gosh. I feels like so much longer since I last wrote. I mean, wow.

A lot has been going on though... So much. And I don't exactly know how to write about it, so I'll just kinda do it quickly..

1. I've lowered my goal weight. Yeah. So basically, I don't fit the criteria for Bulimic, so I couldn't even get help if I wanted it. And I'm gonna be honest, right now, I don't exactly want help. I'm finally starting to lose weight, and I will get there.

2. I talked to my school counselor again. She said that I sound kinda hopeless, and that she thinks I might be depressed because I don't want to be around people, I don't have the energy. I don't want to talk to anyone, be in the same room as them. I don't want to go out and do things. I'd rather just sit. Or rather stand, as I try not to sit. I don't have the energy for it.

3. I am not sick enough. I found out that I don't qualify as sick enough to have an ED, which pissed me off. But at the same time, it can't be that bad because well, I don't exactly want help. I am finally barely starting to lose weight, and I want to keep it that way. I don't know what will happen if I stay at my weight. I can't take it anymore, I'm actually growing desperate.

4. I have Homecoming on Saturday. I am excited to go, I love my dress. I don't think it would hurt to lose a few pounds, but at the same time, if I don't, I'm not too worried about it. I actually like myself in it, which is saying something. And I also get to go to the Zombie Crawl on Saturday, and it'll be so much fun to go from being gross and dead to pretty and glamorous for the dance. Y'know?

5. I'm almost caught up in school. This is good because it will be less stress, but it also means that I'll have more time to think, and honestly, I know nothing good will come from thinking right now. And i've had so much work to do in school, it feels like I am living and breathing my English and Science work. I ditched class on Friday because I didn't have the energy to go to class, and I wasn't prepared for the test. But I am now, and I'll take it and do well on it!

6. I am thinking of getting professional help. Like actually seeing a therapist. I feel like I need one, because I don't know how much of my head my counselor at school can understand, and how much of it I am just spewing out my ass. Like I am kind of afraid of her. Believe it or not.


So that's what's been up with me recently, and I must say - It feels like an emotional roller coaster. AND I DON"T LIKE IT. Though I guess I'm glad that I actually have someone to talk to. And I know the above stuff doesn't seem like much, but I must be so emotionally and mentally invested in all of it that it feels like so much!!

Crazy feelings!

So let me just say, that I'm feeling a little high right now, as I haven't eaten at all today. Really. Well I mean, I had Sobe water, and 2 pieces of gum, which equates to 25 calories. Not bad if I do say so myself. I was going to eat more, but I've felt kinda sick and sick to my stomach all day, so I used that as an excuse to get out of eating.

I also briefly talked to my counselor this morning, and she said that she had talked to my grandma, and that my grandma had said that I could keep talking to her, but that if needed, she would be willing to get me additional help. I almost bolted out of the school right there... I mean... How can I face my grandma now? My grandpa? I can't even look them in the eyes now, and I'm so sorry to cause them anxiety... I just want to be at a healthy weight...
I know what I am doing is wrong. I want to be normal, to not have the voice in my head, to not feel guilt every time I pick food up, and want to eat it.

I want to stop counting calories.

But I'm just not there yet.

Also today, I ditched my 4th hour class, because we had a test, and after the week I've had, I just couldn't face not passing that test, as I knew I was going to fail. Now I can study over the weekend, get things done.

I've got chores and homework to do, but I'm spending the night at my friends house tomorrow. I think this might be a good thing, if I can just relax.

I have so much work to do, it's making me so stressed out. I just want to scream, cry, laugh, jump, run, fall, everything. All at once. Does anyone have any destressing tips?

I hate that it's started getting darker sooner, it means I'll have less time to run. And therefore will need to find something to do during the winter inside, but still exercise. Any tips? Speaking of which, I haven't run in about 3 weeks now, and I am starting to feel really lazy. Like sit-in-your-room-do-nothing-but-staring-at-a-wall kind of lazy. To me, the worst kind. So I've gotta start pushing myself, and trying to get back on track. This not losing weight or gaining weight thing is killing me. I can actually feel all my progress slipping away.

Today wasn't a bad day, it was just one of those days. I was anxious for school to be over, and now that it is, I feel like i can finally breathe. It's an interesting feeling. But I've still got so much work to do, and mirrors aren't my thing today. Since I've not eaten anything, I'm really bloated, but I know that will go away. It's just my body adjusting to lack of food. Only thing I'd like to know is how long before I start seeing the weight drop? It feels so stupid to be so obsessed with this, but it is my life... for now at least.
I don't intend to keep it this way.

Hope everyone is having a good day, and if anyone needs to talk, you can email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com. (:

Off to go run!! ^_^

Creative Arts!

Oh my gosh!!! :D :D :D

So my Freshman year, there was a group started up by a friend of mine, called Creative Arts. It's basically for anyone that's creative. Like there's art, music, poetry, singing, digital things, photography, anything really.

And during my Freshman year, I was in it because of my poetry. But it got shut down, because there were no teachers to sponsor it.

I'm so excited to hear that it might be back up, with the help of some new people who are willing to possibly help sponsor it. If it is, I can't wait to get more people to join it, it was the best thing that's ever happened at my school!!! Well, to me. :D

I haven't written any poetry in a while, but I do think that I can start again. I seem to have just lost the inspiration, the passion for it.....

But i'm ready to find it again!! :D

I'm sitting here in school, thinking about everything.

Not really feeling anything  I guess I have to be grateful for that, but at the same time, I wish I had self control.

That seems to be what this is about. I guess. But I don't know how to change it. I don't want to change it. I am not sick enough to need help. I guess I can still do it on my own.
But I don't want to.

Last night I got all of my math homework done, now I just have a Psychology test, 2 history projects, a few English worksheets, as well as an essay for English, a test in Chem, as well as worksheets, and a test in Spanish.
I feel so overwhelmed. And all this isn't providing me the time to run, or skip meals.
Fucked up, I know. But I guess that's my new normal.

I'm still reading Fifty Shades Darker, it's a huge distraction. But a welcome one. Tonight, for sure, I don't care how cold it is or how tired I am, I AM GOING TO GO FOR A RUN. During dinner. I royally fucked up today, and i'm in such a bad mood I know that if I eat anything for the rest of the day, I will just purge, and probably self harm. I know this and I don't want it.

I know I haven't lost any weight, but I will get there. I have to. I keep telling myself that....

I WILL GET THERE.

For now I am off to help my friend with homework, and work on some other things. Hope everyone's having a good day!

Don't know where my mood has gone.

I just feel really moody. Mostly pissed off.
At what, I don't know.
Why, I don't know.

It's like every time someone says anything to me, it irritates me because they're talking to me. What the fuck?
I know I don't have a reason to be angry, but it feels like everything about my ED is taking over my life, like that's all I can focus on.
Before, it was there, but not everything.... Now, it's starting to feel like it's everything.

I hate myself every time I THINK of food, or every time I want to wear something and I don't think it looks good. I fear that I'm getting to the point that nobody can help me anymore.
And I'm just so mad.

Maybe I'm mad that I'm getting so behind in school, because I can't focus. But that's my fault.
Maybe I'm mad that I can't be pretty. But it's my fault for thinking that way.
Maybe I'm mad because people don't understand, but it's my fault for not letting them in.
Maybe I'm mad because when people do get it, they don't take my side. But that's not their fault. It's mine.

Whatever it is that I'm mad at, maybe it is all of the above, or none...... I know that I just don't want to talk to anyone, or pretend to be okay, or let anyone in. Homecoming is coming up in 2 weeks, and Zombie Crawl is the same day. Yet I can't be excited. I am just mad because my friend wants to hang out to get ready this weekend.

It feels like EVERYTHING makes me mad. And then I get even madder because I'm mad. I don't even know what I want.


Just had to rant there.... UGGGGH. I'm off to be mad all alone in my room, and to take that anger out on my homework. (: Maybe. Maybe I just need to go for a run. I'll give it a shot. Though running when I'm mad..... hmm. It's a distraction. Grr.

Kay, well I'm gonna go do something, writing this out helped a bit. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, but I doubt it.

A Tuesday At School

Today was just like any other Tuesday.. I guess.

It started with me getting ready for school, and that went really well. I didn't have to walk to the bus stop, but when I got to school, I had to rush to not be late to 2nd period. Stupid public transportation. But it was still a good day.

I am currently reading Fifty Shades Darker, and yes, it's the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey. I know it's the hype and all right now, but I think these books are INCREDIBLE. I am in love with them. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I did find some of the concepts in the book.... intriguing and fascinating. If that makes any sense.

I haven't done any of the work I've been assigned since I got back to school, I'm a little preoccupied. I found myself a project, that I'm now working on, and it takes up most of my time. I don't even have time to run, but on the bright side, that means that I don't have time to eat either. I am working on it though. I am so anxious to weigh myself, though I know that's not exactly a good thing.

I've been really irritated lately, not really feeling like talking to people. Like yesterday when I found out that my grandma knew about my ED, I had a panic attack and broke down. But let me tell you a little more about it.

So yesterday morning I went to talk to my counselor, because I had a meltdown in English class, and I needed someone to talk to. She told me that my grandma had called her and left a message, and that she had called back and left a message. But she didn't tell me what either of the messages were about.
After that, I panicked a lot, and I spent my lunch hour curled in a ball in a corner, crying. Pathetic, right?
Anyways, I was so scared to go home, because I was, and still am, afraid of what they would do to me. But when I got home yesterday, there was nothing to be said.... So now I lie in anticipation.

So yesterday, I didn't much feel like talking to people so I kinda hid on my own, and then all of last night, I didn't really talk to anyone. Same with today. I have to go to my grandma's after school, actually..... here in like 10 minutes, so I'm a little worried about what she'll say but after all, it can't be too bad, can it?

I've got a ton of work to do, so maybe I can knock some of that out too. Man, I have so much to do... but I keep finding distractions... Like reading Fifty Shades Darker. =P

I got to talk to Cimiron last night, and it did help a lot, though I feel bad for telling him about all of my shit. It's so depressing, and as I technically "Self harmed" 2 days ago, I feel like I have let him down. It wasn't even self harm though. I dug my fingernails into my arm, and hit it on the edge of the counter. They didn't even really leave marks. It just looks like a rash. Kinda. So it's not really bad.

I did finish hat English essay from my last post, and I got a C on it. So I am not failing English anymore!!! :D

Now I just gotta get onto my other stuff. Speaking of which, I should be doing that right now.

So I will. Tonight I am just going to do a little work at a time, not stress myself out. If I stress myself out, it wont get done. (: But so far, today has not been a bad day. :D

So happy to be back at school!

Not.
I hope you didn't believe that title.

I've got so much work to do this week from stuff I missed, and as of right now I'm failing English >.< But I know I can do it. It's just gonna be hell. So there may not be much posting going on this week. I can't wait to go home, that's where I can do the most work.

But I'm going to get on it. NO SLACKING anymore...

Other than that, today is a great day, and I don't have much to say.

I am making a poster, with a bunch of pictures, and goals, so that should help me get back on track. And hopefully I can start running again soon.
I am well rested after the sleep filled weekend I had. (:

I am still undecided about the counselor. but I am leaning more towards talking to her, because if my family can not believe it once, then they can not believe it again, if it happens. Still working that one out. And Lovely Bones has been an incredible help to me, I don't know where I would be without her. :D

Time to start on that English Essay.... As I keep procrastinating. (: Hope everyone has a good day!

Today is a day to just relax!

Things have been kinda hectic around here lately, with me. It's like everything keeps piling up, and I've already cracked underneath the pressure.
But today things are going to be different.
I am going to start on my homework after I finish this post. That means that I'm going to go upstairs and clean my room, do my chores, etc. But no looking in the mirror. I am not allowing myself to give into my ED habits, not today. And I know that if I look in the mirror, I'll lose this ongoing battle.
I started my period a few days ago as well, which means I'm constantly hungry, and I am bloated as all living hell. Which means it'll be another 5 days before I can weigh myself. That's driving me insane, and I'm so full of anxiety.
But today is a relaxed day. I'm going to put on my favorite pair of jeans, and a baggy shirt, and I'm not going to look at myself at all today. For just one day. I can do it.

School tomorrow, I'm so terrified. I have so much work to do since I missed a week of school, and maybe if I can get all my Algebra 11 homework done tonight, then that's only 5 classes I have to worry about. Joy. There are some positives/negatives about having so much work to do next week, depending on how you look at it. I don't know that I'll get much exercise, but going along with that is that I don't know if I'll get much time to eat either.

I am still debating whether or not to go talk to the counselor tomorrow. I am so scared that my family will find out, but as Outdoor Lab really did call my grandma, and told her that I have an Eating Disorder, she asked me about it. I said 6 words total, and she dropped it. All I said was "I don't have an eating disorder" and she let it go. So I guess there's no worry there. I can't decide if I'm relieved or angry that she dropped it. Maybe both?

Guess I'll find out tomorrow. I have 2 English essays that I have to write, one of them is very overdue.. But I guess it's better late than never... I think.

So that's my day pretty much. Just trying to breathe and relax and not stress about school tomorrow. It's time to give it a shot.

Hope everyone is having a good day, how's everyone's weekends??

Ramblings

I don't know where I am or what there is left for me to do.
I know that I am back to most of my old habits, skipping meals, purging, over exercising, things like that. But I can't stop. I am so unhappy with myself at the moment, and so angry.
I don't want to get better, because I haven't reached my goal.

I have my bright days, and I know it may not seem like it, but I do want help, just not right now. I am not aiming for "Skinny" or "Stick figure" or anything like that. I am aiming for HEALTHY. Just not getting there the healthy way.

I start my fast today, and so far, it's only been 3 hours, but it's going really well. I can do it, I know I can.

I had a close call with my family finding out about all of this, so for now, I don't think I want to continue talking to the counselor. I guess I'm going to have to be stricter with myself, because I need to lose the weight, and I don't seem to be getting there. I needed to lose at least 2 lbs a week to get to my GW, but that isn't happening.

Now that I am back in control of what I eat and what I don't eat, I can finally start on that. And I will get there. I have to. This is the only option I see, the only road I can walk.

I am sorry if I trigger anyone with anything I say... But I have to have somewhere to write, and think. This is it. If you don't like my posts, don't read them.

I am broken, and angry. But I don't know that I want to be fixed. Not yet. That's all I can keep telling myself....
Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

Eventually I will get there.

Not sure how, but I WILL.

For now, I think I'll start with going for a run.

Sorry this post doesn't make any sense. I don't even know. My head is such a mess, as usual. I have a ton of schoolwork to do, as I missed an entire week of school. Better get started on it. (:

I'm home!

I am so happy to be home!!!
I had a great week at Outdoor Lab, but I also needed to be back home. I missed talking to people, and the mountains can get a little tiring. I don't have any pictures to put on here... I had to develop them, and can't put them on the computer.. I wish I could though!

I do have one picture of me that I can put here... with a bandanna I made myself with Tye Die.

I guess that my grandparents don't know about my ED, as they haven't said anything. Which is good. I do want to get better, but I'm starting to slip.
Actually, who am I kidding? I've been slipping for a long while. I am just not fighting very hard anymore.

I intend to go on a 24 to 72 hour fast tomorrow, to make up for all the junk food I ate this week. I do know that I shouldn't and that it's bad, but I feel like I have to. So that I can start over.

I don't think that I am going to continue seeing the school counselor, as this week was a little too close. I don't want a repeat, and I don't want to test whatever little luck I have right now.

That's just a little update... To tired to write much more. I do think I'm going to go for a run though. I need to relax... Tonight is just going to be chill... I don't feel like doing much more...

Woo hoo for tye dying!! :D

I'm so scared right now..

The other day I was writing, because I had some major anxiety... And this intern here at Outdoor Lab saw what I was writing, how it was about my ED. I thought I was being so careful, I don't know how he could have seen it.......

So today he called me into the office, with some nurses, and another teacher, and they basically cornered me about it. I tried to deny it, but then he had the paper out of my notebook, and they said that they didn't know I was a vegetarian. But they said that they had called my grandma and grandpa, as well as my dad, to ask them if I was a vegetarian. I told them that it was fairly new, that they hadn't known about it.
Then the intern pulled out the paper that I had in my notebook, and showed it to me. I couldn't even deny that it was mine, because it talked about Hydrosphere and Arts and Crafts.... Which left no doubt that it was me...

They asked me if I needed help, and when I said no, they said "You know we're going to have to tell your parents because I'm assuming they don't know... right?" and I panicked....... I said that my dad did know, but that I didn't have an ED anymore. That I was okay.... TOTAL LIE... Kinda.

They said that they knew my dad wasn't the best, that there was some troubles with my brother, and that they felt bad since my life was in a huge upheaval. Like I didn't have anyone to talk to, anyone to help...

I knew things were getting worse every time they said something... and at this point I was trying not to cry.

They then said that they would talk to them, and they said that since I was vegetarian, they would start providing meals that I could actually eat. Not bad, right?

But it goes back to telling my family...

My life is over. I hate them. I hate everyone. I can't face them, I don't want to eat, I don't want to look at them. I am so embarrassed and scared. I can't even tell you..... I want to go die in a hole...

I don't want to know what my grandparents are going to say when I get home.... What'll happen. I can't even think about it... Right now, even as I write this, I'm trying to hide my tears from the other HS leader in the Staff Room.

I don't know what to do....

I'm so scared.
I am so ashamed.
I don't know what to do.
My life is definitely over....

What can I do???
Can I deny it?
Can I say that I used to have an ED and that I got over it, with the help of a counselor at school? Because to anyone else, I don't look like someone with an ED. I'm still overweight and nothing has changed.

But I feel like my life is over, I'm sick to my stomach with worry..

I leave tomorrow morning. I go home tomorrow morning. What can I do???/
Does anyone have any advice? :'(

Outdoor Lab 10/3

Today is going really well.
I was really nervous about teaching my Hydrosphere class, but then I had someone else to co-teach it with, and it went pretty well. There were some things I could improve upon, but at the same time, I didn't do bad at all. So I'm pretty proud.
I'm tired, and anxious again, because I had to eat lunch like 3 hours after breakfast. It's odd, and I never eat that much. I can't outright not eat either, and so far, nobody has noticed how little I'm eating. Which is good.
The people in my cabin are starting to get a little tedious, they are loud and obnoxious, something  I don't deal with too well.
They said that last night..... I was humming in my sleep????!!? I have no idea what they are talking about, and one of the other leaders said it sounded like I was having a sex dream, but I don't know anything about it, except that I was dreaming about walking through the mountains last night... O.o What the hell????
So they keep making fun of me for it, and I'm so embarrassed about it, but what can I do? It'll blow over eventually, and when it does. I can just go back to being me.

I am pretty excited that I only have one more day here, and then a half. My off time is tomorrow night, so I will try to write then too. And then I have a half day on Friday. I am so excited to go home, but at the same time, being in the mountains is exactly what I need. I am having a good time up here, despite the little things. I am getting to walk so much, I'm building and insane amount of muscle. The only thing I really miss, is listening to my ipod. The only times that I am allowed to do that are during my off time, like now. (: And I also miss being able to go for a run. I can here, but as I don't have enough time, It wouldn't do me any good, and I have other things I have to be doing.

I wonder what everyone else is up to, through blogs and also at my house. I wonder if they think about me. Not in a way that I care, but more that I just wonder.
Later tonight, I have a couple games that I get to play with the kids, and we get to drink hot chocolate and eat cookies, watch a movie. Honestly, the thought of drinking a cup of hot chocolate, and eating a cookie..... I am starting to panic just thinking about it. Why can't I be normal and just eat a freakin cookie? No! Instead, I get to be fucked up, and freak out over it. >.<

I really miss talking to Cimiron, and I wonder all the time what he is up to, how he is, what's new with him. I hope he's good though. I finally got the pictures of us that I took over the summer, some of them are really cute. I'll try to post one on here, when I get back and have the chance. It was a fun summer, and I can't wait to do it again. :D

Other than that, I am trying not to have panic attacks when I think about eating a cookie, or drinking hot chocolate, or the amount of calories I am consuming on a daily basis. It's terrifying, and horrifying. I only have a day left though, and on Friday, I think I'm going to go on a 72 hour fast. A sort of detox, so I can get back to my eating habits, being in my routine. I don't need all the food they are feeding me here, I feel like I should be the size of Africa. I know that sounds horrible, and you can stop reading this if you want. It's just that I can't seem to get better, to be the way I was. I don't seem to want to anymore.

Well, that's all I have to write for now, I am going to go listen to music and set up for my Special Interest Class. I will try to write some more tomorrow, but I don't know when. Most likely later in the day. Like 7ish. Which will be nice, as we also have showers that night. I took one today, but I want to take another one tomorrow night.
That's all for now. Hope everyone is well. (:

Outdoor Lab 10/2

I have more off time today, and I can't wait. But that also means that I have to teach a class as well. I feel like i have more time in the day, like things aren't being crammed into such a short time period. I'm enjoying my off time, because I can listen to my music. I've missed that, though I don't miss my phone.
Being vegetarian here is hard, because they serve meat with basically every meal, something I can't eat. But that's not too bad. I don't mind. That's not a good thing, but part of me can't help being happy that I can not eat and get away with it, because I'm vegetarian. I usually get hungry later, but it's a nice feeling. I drink so much water here to stay hydrated.... Detox! (:
I can't purge anything because there's always people around. I suppose that's a good thing, but I don't like it. I keep getting terrible anxiety, and I feel bloated afterwards. I doubt I'm losing any weight. Most of my anxiety comes from the 6th graders watching me when I eat, I hate it and I always have. Does that make me paranoid or something? It's just weird. I feel SO self conscious up here. Like I'm so afraid of messing up. The only good part is that I get to teach Arts and Crafts, I can't wait.
The 6th graders look up to me, and it's nice. It's like I'm worth something to them, because they don't know me, and they don't know my past. It's like they can't really judge me. But they can. Y'know?
The kids waste a lot of food, and that bothers me. A lot. I mean, t hey eat so much food, but if they've got half their sandwich left, and we get more food, they'll take like 3 more sandwiches, then end up not eating it. It's a major wast of food. And for some reason, that makes me really irritated really fast. I can't really say anything though, as I'm not exactly in the right mind.
I love the feeling of being hungry.  Of not eating. Like I'll eat enough to keep my metabolism up, but otherwise it's nice. That's so messed up, but it's nice. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be okay, even when I am up here? I guess I'm just meant to be screwed up...
I have a new love for Banana Peppers, and although they're super hot, I love them. After I eat them, then I don't want to eat anything, and that's helping. But it sucks that I have to eat 3 times a day, in the span of 11 hours. That's so much more than I normally eat in a day, and like I said, I can't purge. Sometimes it's nice, because it's forcing me to get better, but it's not nice. Because then I get so much anxiety, and I can't tell the kids about it - I have to be "Okay". Even when I'm not.
I don't have anyone to talk to up here, and I'm finding I don't want to. It's nice, but different. I am normally way to reliant upon people, and I hate it. This week is allowing me to be less dependent upon people, but it's not easy.
I am excited to be a vegetarian, it's not as hard to stick to as I though it would be. I know the real challenge will be after I get back. My dad won't really be supporting of my vegetarianism. I don't think I'm going to tell him either. Because there's no point. So I guess the only place I can really be excited about being a vegetarian is here. And I shall. :D

I know that this might have seemed like a lot of negative stuff, but in the end, I'm pretty excited to be up here. Some of the girls are pretty cool, and it's cool to see how they gossip about one of the interns here. I will admit, some of them are pretty attractive, but also, they're way too old for me or for anyone else. It's kinda cute to see how they react around them. I miss being in 6th grade.

Outdoor Lab 10/1

The kids aren't too bad, except for a few little things. But they're 6th graders, what can I expect? Not too much I guess. I can't wait to do my Arts and Crafts class, as I get to teach it. Tomorrow I get to learn how to teach another class, called Hydrosphere. I suppose i'm excited, but I don't know much about it. It's really pretty here, and not having any technology isn't bad. I'm still excited to go home though, i'm not really meant to be a leader. But it's only the first day, I don't know what the rest of the week holds.
Being a vegetarian here is hard, but I only had to skip one meal. Well, not skip it, but I didn't eat much. And i'm so tired, I have not sat down for more than 5 minutes. It's good though, because it burns a lot of calories, and I can't wait to weigh myself when I get back. But I will admit, it's nice to be not thinking about myself, and to have other things to focus on. My ED is always in the back of my mind though, always. I keep thinking stupid things, and the kids are irritating a little. Nothing I can't handle though.
I don't have much time to breathe... I hate it. But at the same time, it's good. It means i'm busy. Something I need. And getting away from my dad, that's nice too. It'll help clear my head, and though i'm not allowed to run here, I can still be healthy. It's perfect.

I'm off!

Today is Monday October 1st, which means I will be leaving in exactly 3 minutes to go teach 6th graders at Windy Peak. So I shall be gone for an entire week. :D
I'm excited, yet terrified, and I wanted to say something about it before I left. I'm weird. But yes, that's one week without any of my beloved technology.... I'm gonna die.... :(


Just kidding. I am not that addicted to technology, I can easily go a week without it. So I shall post all about my time up there when I get back of course.

As it is also October, I am going to be going Vegetarian. It's something i've thought about doing for a while, and now I will. Though maybe not for the right reasons. Either way, I am. I'll give it a shot! And I can't wait to see the results after a full blown week.


Well! I'm off!!!!

See you all when I get back! :D