Hello

I know I've disappeared from this blog for a long time. And oh, how my life has changed. The only constant remains the war I wage with my body, except now I've discovered the power to numb it all.

Liquor.

Seems simple enough, some people get addicted and some people don't. I don't truly feel addicted... but I definitely need it to escape the feelings and pain I don't know how to deal with. I know I need therapy. I've contemplated it for years, never really getting a solid answer or lead to go on. How do I just find a therapist? Do I just present myself as broken as I am? Or is it possible to conceal that brokenness until I find one and then open up?

I've tried several times and failed miserably to connect with people since I last wrote here. But in the end I'm always the one that gets hurt. I never really expected differently... but yet I keep finding myself hoping and praying that the next time will be different with someone. Trying my hardest to make it work. There's now someone in my life that I believe I'm truly in love with. Meaning, I don't care how they're in my life... boyfriend, friend, etc. but I know I'd do just about anything to keep them in my life. I know they're here for a reason. He makes me feel closer to God in a way that I know is me, not someone forcing me. He makes me want to be a better Christian and he doesn't even know it. That's really weird to me, because he isn't a step-by-step Christian for lack of better words... but he makes ME want to be better.

In realizing this, I've realized that I'm more vulnerable now than I've ever been and I don't know what to do about it. It's one of the brightest positives in my life, though not the only one. Otherwise, I'm not doing too great. My last relationship of 3 years ended a year ago now and that was absolutely a disaster. He is now a she, and I don't even know what happened.

Since that relationship ended, I've basically been drunk almost 24/7. I've been drinking since writing this and if it wasn't for autocorrect this probably wouldn't even make any sense.

I know I need to find a purpose in my life, a reason to live outside of being drunk 24/7... but I don't know how. People at my job seem to like me better when I've been drinking, I'm less awkward and anxious. It honestly feels like it helps me... but I CANNOT deal with the weight gain. I honestly felt suicidal after weighing myself the other day. I knew things were bad... but not THAT bad. Oh man.

So now I've begun to feel the insatiable urge to starve and lose weight. Since I can't/don't/won't self harm certain ways anymore... I've gotta find a more direct method to achieving what I have such an issue with. I can't believe I let myself get this bad. I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't ever get above 180 again.. and I'm not that far away from it. Time for damage control. 

This post is all over the place. I have so many thoughts to think about and my fingers just can't type fast enough. Hopefully I'll be back soon and slightly more sober to articulate my thoughts, but for now... Hello again.

I'm back.

J

Update

So, I'm 20 now. 20 years old. I don't like it at all, I am not ready to be that old yet...

On my birthday I had to work. I didn't really mind it actually. I was kind of happy to be there as the day wasn't to happy for me to begin with. While I was ringing up a customer, one of my coworkers came up to me and told me happy birthday. I hadn't told anyone, b it I guess they just put it up on the board in the employee lounge. So I politely responded and the customer (who was buying flowers) told me to charge her for another rose that I could pick up when I got off as a birthday present. I tried to decline but in the end I brought a flower home. I tried to do everything right... and it's already dead. Oh well.

That guy I mentioned in my last post has begun texting me. I ended up burning a bowl with him and I guess he took that as friendship and has begun to text me. I don't know why he has my phone number after all these years, but whatever. I haven't saved his, and I don't want my bf to see the messages because he always assumes the worst. And really, I want nothing to do with this douchbag. He texted me this morning asking if I was working, and so I said probably and asked why. He just responded with telling me where he was chilling. Later in the day I texted him back (now I'm wondering why the fuck I did that) and said I was going to smoke a cigarette and he decided to meet me out there. My coworker came to join me shortly after that because he was on his lunch break and while I was talking to my coworker I mentioned getting a tattoo soon but needing to work out the design, except I can't draw. And C offered to draw it for me, so I sent him the pic and asked him to draw it for me while explaining what I wanted. So now I have to talk to him YET AGAIN to get this tattoo design if I want it... but after that I dunno what to do. It's nice to have someone to talk to sometimes but at the same time I know if my bf ever found out that I was talking to him or hiding it from him, he would flip. And I care more about my bf than I do C.

Anyways, on another note...my coworker just randomly gave me a box of thin mint cookies and I am so so tempted to eat them. But god, if I do I will have to take lax and it's already 11pm and now I'm starting to panic because I wanted to take lax tonight but my dumb ass got too stoned and now it's late. I could still take them but I also want to go get wax in the morning and that would be a risk because I don't know what time we would be doing that or if they will have kicked in by then.

I have been really struggling with urges to harm myself. It's getting bad, I honestly surprise myself with the fact that I haven't relapsed yet. Fuck man, I want to. And I can't even tell my bf that I'm feeling shitty enough to want to relapse.
I don't know what else to say, really. Work is okay, I have fewer hours next week so I'm trying to pick up a few more shifts. My anxiety is a constant as usual.

But on the outside, everything is good. Everything is always good

On the outside.

The Story

So I finally reregistered myself for school about a week ago. It was stressful to be back in that building with people who knew me almost two years ago. It brings flashbacks for me and it reminds me how behind I am from where I should be. I mean, I know everyone has their own pace, but this is one of the things that really gets to me. I think it always will.
I tried to be in and out of the school, and ended up being unable to make it to work that day. I explained to my instructor that I work full time and that school is going to have to be mostly online so that it doesn't interfere with my work... and he said it was basically fine but that I was required to show up once a week for an hour in that school. I agreed then and there, but needless to say I didn't even go last week.
So far I have only completed one assignment and I was gonna wait to see if it had been graded yet so I could see if I was doing well enough or not. I got the full score on the assignment and since then I just can't stop thinking about how I have to have it finished by April. Doesn't seem so hard, but having already failed once I wonder if I will fail again. And I don't know what I will do if I can't finish it.

I told my manager about registering for school and he switched my schedule. Now I work all through the weekends and the week aside from Wednesday and Thursday. I hope it doesn't end up seeming like a longer week, because right now I just want everything to happen as fast as possible. I haven't actually spoken to anyone recently. Sure, I have some conversations over text, I might send a message or two here, but nobody every really replies back enough for it to be conversation which is why I am writing here. There's so much I want to say, to tell someone, anyone. But there's really nobody here to listen, not that I blame them. I am selfish and all I ever want to do is talk about myself. I would get tired of me too.

On another note, the other day I was working and I saw C. C is basically the fuckboy I was with before I met my bf. If you don't remember, he was the one who told me he couldn't ever love me because his heart belonged to someone else. He also is the one that I was with when I began getting flashbacks. I was basically his booty call, and he was mine. It was so unhealthy and unhappy and I am glad now that I got out of that cycle. However, I saw him at work the other day. He was just standing by the liquor store smoking a cigarette and he looked up and said "so it is you" I just kind of looked away and kept working, and then he proceeded to follow me and ask if I was still upset about what happened between us. I told him it wasn't worth the effort to hold a grudge but that if I were to stop and talk to him I would get bitched at my manager. He said he understood, but then I watched him go sit in the lobby for about 5 hours. Doing what, I don't know. But I know he was there, and I guessed right when I said he would be back. He came back yesterday, and I just ran away and made sure he wouldn't see me working that day. I don't know what to feel about it. Because now he knows I work there, which is just one more thing I have to deal with.

Today is my only day off, but my boyfriend has to work. I feel so fucking lonely all the fucking time, and I just want it to go away.
I don't even fit in with other fuckups like me, because they don't even want to talk to me. I wish I understood why it is so hard to communicate. It isn't for lack of trying on my part, but nobody ever responds. Maybe I am just not interesting, because I have tried literally everything I can think of to try to make at least one friend, and I have none.
I have worked at my job for months now, and still I barely say anything to my coworkers that doesn't have to do with work. Even the ones that are my age. I thought I had made a friend, but now I see that it was only temporary because, like everyone else, she never responds to my texts anymore or wants to hang out. It can't be them. It has to be me.
So what am I meant to do?

I broke my epen yesterday at work, it fell out of my back pocket and hit the pavement just right. It shattered the glass of the tank, but luckily that was all that broke. I had a replacement glass that came when I bought the pen, so I was able to fix it.

I have literally done nothing productive today. I was supposed to do school since it's my day off but god I feel so fucking numb today. It's hard to focus, this same assignment is taking me forever. I hate economics.

I found out also that one of my best guy friends, well, like my only friend here is dying, but he refuses to see a doctor because he doesn't have insurance. How rediculous is that? I mean, I get it but at some point you have to say fuck it and deal with it anyways. When he told me that I burst out crying, which my dad then opened the bathroom door not knowing I was in there and asked if I wanted food. When I said no, he just shut the door and left. I mean, it didn't even make him blink to see me sitting on the floor crying in the bathroom. Alright.
Just more proof that I mean nothing to nobody.

I might try to take a nap honestly, I don't want to exist anymore and no matter what I do it sucks. I am tired. Just tired.
I don't even know where I was going with this post, or why I write here. It's just empty words on a screen.
The story of my pathetic life.

I've been feeling more lonely than usual, more isolated. It's been rough for me... I really haven't spoken to anyone in a few days at least. Some days I eat a bit and it feels like a binge. Some days I eat next to nothing. I can't bring myself to continue weighing daily because it is causing me way too much stress. But right now I am kind of in the midst of damage control.

I saw a higher number on the scale a few days ago and it kind of freaked me out. Since then I have just been fasting and working and trying to get back down to where I feel comfortable enough to weigh myself.

I broke my toe the other night because I was being kind of stupid.... it hurt like a bitch but I guess I am okay. Oh, and I relapsed the other day too. My boyfriend doesn't know about the relapse... and I don't want to say anything because he would just be upset.

I also kind of quit smoking, I'm scared of this because I don't want to end up eating more, and yes I did use cigarettes as meal replacement. So the possibility of my increased intake is high. I need to lose weight, not gain it.

Otherwise I am surviving. I'm growing tired of work, but that could also be from being hungry all the time. It makes me grumpy sometimes. My work sells this fresh bread and oh, it smells so good. What I wouldn't give to buy a loaf while it is still warm out of the oven and eat just a little. I have been trying to figure out how to incorporate it into my daily intake for weeks now but so far I am unsatisfied. So O haven't bought any bread.

I wish I had a friend. Or at least one that wasn't so hard to get to. I feel so alone. And I don't know what to do about it. I just want these feelings to fade already. I would rather be numb. Anyways.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.

Well hi. I'm kind of all over the place right now. My work is going well, I guess you could say. I have decent hours and nobody really treats me like shit.
Outside of work, my life is a mess as always. My boyfriend got his new car, a Mazda 6. It's a manual, and I kind of want to learn how to drive it, but I somehow can't bring myself to ask anyone to teach me. I have anxiety almost constantly, I have started scratching at my arms until they're raw instead of using the blade I so desprately want to. Yet I smile and make it seem like I am fine because honestly I either can't bring myself to talk about it or nobody would understand anyways. I'm filled with jealousy over people who are doing better than me, and for all the things I should be doing right now that are just out of my reach. I should be able to accomplish what I want, and yet somehow I am the reason that I can't. And holy fuck, do I despise myself for it.

Then there's the people that have found this blog that know me in my actual life. I don't know if they read this, or if it was a one time thing, but I hate myself for struggling as much as I do and for putting it out there like I have. I should just keep this shit to myself. I mean, this blog was supposed to be anonymous. But I kind of majorly fucked that up, didn't I?

The other day I left my apartment for about 4 hours, and made sure to take my dogs out and made sure they had food and water and everything. When I got home, my dog had eaten nore of the carpet as well as eaten the whole bag of dog treats. Which wasn't my fault in the slightest, but it's getting blamed on me.

I honestly feel so out of control right now. But I don't know how to stop it. I am angry. Really fucking angry, but expressing that to anyone won't get me anywhere. But hitting myself, starving, it isn't enough anymore. I am consumed by panic because I am such a pathetic stupid waste of space, and I can't even tell anyone. I can't change it, I just have to suffer in silence. I wish these things weren't happening. but they are and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it.

And to be honest, I feel so fucking alone. I mean, yeah, I can put words out on the internet like I do, and I may or may not get a response. But it would be so nice to actually sit with someone and talk, and have someone truly listen, or to have someone to cry with. I don't know of anyone has that though, if that even happens anymore. I feel like I haven't actually spoken to someone in around 5 months maybe? See? I'm isolated. I'm different, and god it feels so lonely. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend, but most of the things that happen to me don't go over well with him, and I don't know yet how to get around that. In my mind it is always, ALWAYS my fault. I'm the reason I suffer, I am the reason I DESERVE to suffer, and on days like today where I am alone all day with nothing to do, it makes a danerous combination. I just fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life from day in tod ay out because I make it miserable. I shouldn't exist, I was a mistake and I always will be. But I accept that, so I mean there's no reason to tell me I'm not. My life seems pointless, even to me. So why not that too? Anyways, enough of my bullshit.

Eating Disordered

I feel like my mood and my life is eating disordered. When I gain or plateau, I feel like shit, tend to have more anxiety... I tend to feel shittier. When I lose I feel a lot happier, like I am strong and can face the world and it's criticisms for the most part.

I think my scale is broken, because I woke up this morning and weighed and bodychecked as usual. According to my scale I lost just under 2 lbs from yesterday morning. According to my bodychecks, I have gained a bit of weight since yesterday.
Anyways, I posted a bodycheck to my IG account and two people immediately commented with something along the lines of "You are so small" or "I'm worried" and honestly I felt good for a second and then I started to feel shitty because I'm so fat. There is no reason whatsoever that they should worry about me. I mean, I know I am nowhere near my highest weight... but I also know that even at this weight I qualify as "healthy". So my ribs show a little. It is still covered by inches and bubbles and blobs of fat! I need to lose about another 20 lbs. Maybe then I won't wobble, jiggle, or look like a whale.

I went to the mall earlier with my aunt and her girlfriend and her kid and I thought it would be fun, if not a good reason to exercise. But it ended up being so claustrophobic and I got so lightheaded and my vision started to fade so I had to sit down twice. After that they went to get food and when I refused to eat they got me a soda. Not even diet. I drank some of it and now I feel so guilty. Then she wanted me to have a piece of candy. Which I ended up doing and now we're going shopping again so hopefully I can burn more than enough cals to cover it. I am so anxious. I am not sleeping well, but at least I'm losing weight.

A friend of mine wants to meet up, and I haven't hung out with anyone in so long. I don't really hold many conversations and I feel slightly sick with anxiety over a possible meetup. What if she thinks I'm fat? Or that I haven't lost enough weight from my "eating disordered" habits. Mostly I'm sure she will think I'm fat. A big joke. Which I am, but it's easier when it comes from strangers. Not so easy when I know the person and actually care about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see her... I just need to lose a bit more weight first. Anyways, enough of that rant.

My dad and I are fighting again. He is angry that I haven't gone to get my driver's license yet, but I mean I don't have money between paying for rent and food and gas for other people. He claims that's just an excuse, but he would rip me a new asshole if I told him I was scared. I'm slightly scared to get my drivers license and be responsible in that way right now. But oh well, it's nothing new to hear him yell at me.

Otherwise I don't really have much else to say. I'm just living. Working as much as they will let me to stay busy and keep my mind off thinking. My jobs going good for the most part. I am still waiting to get my raise, but I suppose it will come eventually.

Fuuuuck

I'm struggling right now, or am I ever not?
The past week wasn't so bad, but today is. I got to work about 2 hrs early and they wouldn't let me clock in. So instead of going to get coffee, I got a snack. Bad idea. I had a panic attack and ended up hiding in the bathroom at work for a few minutes, and now I'm outside smoking a cigarette and trying to calm my nerves.

I don't know what to do with myself. I am stuck feeling this "fight or flight" reaction and I don't know how I'm gonna get through work. I already want to cry. I'm scared but I can't even identify what I am afraid of. I just want to go home.

I'm always so negative, I know. But I can't find anything to feel positive about. Don't get me wrong, there's times when I don't feel so shitty, but I wouldn't exactly call it happiness.
Yesterday was one of those days, until about 5pm. My dad called me at work to tell me that my dog had gotten trapped in my room because aparently my door didn't latch, but when the heater turns on it sucks my door shut. And since he was trapped he ate my blinds, pissed on the carpet and tore up 2 feet of carpet in front of my door trying to get out. And as if it was my fault, he told me that I have to pay for it.

I pawned something this morning because I don't have any money to even buy food until Thrsday, but even then I have to give pretty much my whole check to my dad.

I freaked out and started crying and my bf tried telling me to calm down... but I was just super upset.

I guess one positive is that I got a raise at my work, so I am excited to start seeing how it impacts my check. It wasn't a huge raise, but a raise is a raise, right?

I don't even know what to say. I grew close to someone on IG and they're trying to kill themselves. I can't even stop them because their life is truly horrible. They don't deserve to have to keep living in the state they're in. But it just makes me sad, because I cared about them. I really shouldn't let myself care.

In the pic with the carpet, from the white part to my feet is where it's ruined.

Just Venting and Stuff

I don't even feel like I have a reason to be writing right now. But I am here because there's so many thoughts I feel like I can't express to anyone. At least here I can act like I'm talking to nobody.

The first is mainly my boyfriend. I try to be open with him and tell him when I am struggling but right now that just doesn't seem possible. He is going into the army, and it makes me so anxious to think about. He keeps talking about it, telling everyone. He should he happy, I just don't know if I am. The first length of time he will be gone is a month. But now that I have been thinking about it, I haven't spent a day away from him since we got together, just because I haven't wanted to. He is there for everything, it's hard for me to think about what my life would be like without him since I really have nobody BUT him. I know I'm selfish.

I also tried talking to him earlier when I felt my ED thoughts were really bad. I told him our disorganization was bothering me and that I felt like a continent. He blamed it on talking to my friend, saying things like if I would stop talking about it maybe I wouldn't feel that way. Which is untrue, I know. But it has been bugging me since he said it. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously, like feeling the way I do about my body doesn't matter. I feel like it would take something serious like being sink and bones or collapsing for him to take me seriously.... whivh then makes ne feel like shit.
I feel like I have to keep everything inside, because I have nobody to talk to and no outlet. I desperately want to hurt, since that's the only outlet I have that seems to help. But if I do, what will I do if he decides he doesn't want to deal with it?
Because he has already told me that I need to think higher of myself, and that it would make it easier to love me. But I don't know if it's possible. I have always felt this way about my body. I just wish my body would reflect the way I feel inside.

It's gotten to the point again where I honestly can't be bothered to speak, to do anything of self expression because it just feels so useless, so inadequate to what I actually feel or want to say.
I don't know what to do anymore, because I just feel so trapped. I don't mean to feel so trapped, or useless. But I do.

I honestly don't care who finds or reads this blog or if they know me personally anymore. Because I'm stupid, fat and useless. I deserve for people to see my pathetic struggle and for them to laugh at me. Because that's all I am, one big fat joke.
I'm so angry at myself. And at everyone else. I'm angry that I feel like I don't matter, I'm angry that nobody takes me seriously, that I feel so fucking useless But why should they?

I don't even know where I am going with this, I just needed to vent.

I'm sorry.

I have cried every day for the last 4 days, for one reason or another. It makes me angry because I feel pathetic and weak, but I have no way to express myself.

The other night I was laying with my bf in bed and he triggered flashbacks. I started crying, and I definitely didn't want to be touched. I ended up going to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette and try to return to myself. I know he didn't mean to trigger me like that, or that such a thing would even happen. And when I tried to explain to him what was happening, all I could get out was that my head was shouting "worthless, used, nothing, and pathetic" at me over and over again. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I feel so guilty for things like this. He doesn't deserve to suffer the pain of my past with me, and I know he tries his best to help me. I appreciate everything he does for me, and all the love he gives me.

The second time I cried was when he told me he was going to be going into the army once he finished school and got his diploma. I was so so happy when he enrolled back in school to finish. I mean, yeah, I'm a little jealous that his was just paid for and that I don't have the money to do the same for myself, but I'm mostly happy. As for the army, I have told him repeatedly that I don't want him to go and I have tried to explain why. Altgough I stand by my statement that he can do whatever he wants with his life, and that my only role is to decide if I want to be there for it. Well, he went ahead and enrolled in the army and is getting set up to enter when he finishes his schooling. My reasons for not wanting him to go are selfish. I don't want to be alone, and I am also worried that if he goes into the army, he might not come back. I don't know if I can deal with that, although I guess I should be proud that he wants to serve our country, especially with all that's going on right now. I'm just stupid and selfish, and I ended up crying over that too.

Today I cried because I got paid yesterday and last week I missed two days of work because I was sick and so lightheaded. What I didn't realize, was how much I couldn't afford to miss work. I also found out yesterday that since my work is through a Union, they take some money out of every check I get for "union fees" which I am only just now finding out about. But that meant that my check was $100 less than usual, and I was worried. My bf assured me that it would be fine, since he gets paid today. So last night I went to the store and bought some groceries for him and some safe foods for me.... and I alao bought a full tank of gas for him since we need it. But today shit has happened with his car that desprerately needs to be fixed, and of course he has to fix it. But we also owe about $600 for my bank account, $200 to a store because I had to buy some shit for work, and on top of all that, we are still short for rent. My dad keeps telling me to budget my money better, but honestly, all I bought was groceries and gas. What more 'budgeting' can I do? So I'm stressed beyond belief because I thought getting an apartment would make things easier, but I swear shit only gets harder. I just want it all to stop. I want to be able to afford shit and not be broke all the time or feel guilty for buying myself food. Both my dad and my boyfriend tell me to stop stressing and take things one step at a time, which is what I am trying to do. But no matter what, these thoughts and the panic and the stress is always with me. It's been another month now, and it feels like I have accomplished nothing. And that makes me angry.

I just want so much for things to be different and to feel like I am accomplishing something, and yet I feel so fucking powerless in this.

The other day at work my coworker randomly started talking to me about Thanksgiving, asking if I was ready. I said I wasn't and then out of nowhere he said "I think it's sad when kids are molested, especially by ther parents." I don't know where it came from, and of course my coworker doesn't know my story. And although my story isn't like that exactly, it still struck a chord and made me really uncomfortable. I just kind of awkwardly replied and he left. But the feeling of unease is still with me.
It also has to go with the fact that a girl I know recently found this blog on Bloglovin. This is the first time anyone who has known me personally has found my blog. Or at least someone who didn't struggle with any of the same things I have. I don't know how she found it... but she is following me now and I only pray to god that she doesn't judge me or something worse. I have kept my struggles to myself, not even my family knows half of what I have written on this blog. It used to be a safe place for me to vent and let my thoughts out, but now I feel threatened. I tried to delete the blog on Bloglovin, but it wouldn't let me and I have been freaking out about it since.

I am also consistently losing weight. I have reached a new low weight, but I'm still too ashamed to post it. Why? Because I still think I am absolutely huge, wobbly, fat, and disgusting. I don't look my weight at all. Whenever I look at my body, all I see is fat. I see no weight loss at all, which means my scale must be broken. Damn. I mean, just look for yourself, since I'll probably post a picture below to embarass myself more.

I hate being so negative all the time, but this is literally my only place to freely vent my frustrations. I don't even feel like I can properly vent on Insta anymore. If I can get my lazy ass out of bed before the storm hits, I might be able to get some new music today. That's the one thing that would make me happy.

Anyways, I feel like this is really long already so I will update again in another post sometime.