Eating Disordered

I feel like my mood and my life is eating disordered. When I gain or plateau, I feel like shit, tend to have more anxiety... I tend to feel shittier. When I lose I feel a lot happier, like I am strong and can face the world and it's criticisms for the most part.

I think my scale is broken, because I woke up this morning and weighed and bodychecked as usual. According to my scale I lost just under 2 lbs from yesterday morning. According to my bodychecks, I have gained a bit of weight since yesterday.
Anyways, I posted a bodycheck to my IG account and two people immediately commented with something along the lines of "You are so small" or "I'm worried" and honestly I felt good for a second and then I started to feel shitty because I'm so fat. There is no reason whatsoever that they should worry about me. I mean, I know I am nowhere near my highest weight... but I also know that even at this weight I qualify as "healthy". So my ribs show a little. It is still covered by inches and bubbles and blobs of fat! I need to lose about another 20 lbs. Maybe then I won't wobble, jiggle, or look like a whale.

I went to the mall earlier with my aunt and her girlfriend and her kid and I thought it would be fun, if not a good reason to exercise. But it ended up being so claustrophobic and I got so lightheaded and my vision started to fade so I had to sit down twice. After that they went to get food and when I refused to eat they got me a soda. Not even diet. I drank some of it and now I feel so guilty. Then she wanted me to have a piece of candy. Which I ended up doing and now we're going shopping again so hopefully I can burn more than enough cals to cover it. I am so anxious. I am not sleeping well, but at least I'm losing weight.

A friend of mine wants to meet up, and I haven't hung out with anyone in so long. I don't really hold many conversations and I feel slightly sick with anxiety over a possible meetup. What if she thinks I'm fat? Or that I haven't lost enough weight from my "eating disordered" habits. Mostly I'm sure she will think I'm fat. A big joke. Which I am, but it's easier when it comes from strangers. Not so easy when I know the person and actually care about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see her... I just need to lose a bit more weight first. Anyways, enough of that rant.

My dad and I are fighting again. He is angry that I haven't gone to get my driver's license yet, but I mean I don't have money between paying for rent and food and gas for other people. He claims that's just an excuse, but he would rip me a new asshole if I told him I was scared. I'm slightly scared to get my drivers license and be responsible in that way right now. But oh well, it's nothing new to hear him yell at me.

Otherwise I don't really have much else to say. I'm just living. Working as much as they will let me to stay busy and keep my mind off thinking. My jobs going good for the most part. I am still waiting to get my raise, but I suppose it will come eventually.

Fuuuuck

I'm struggling right now, or am I ever not?
The past week wasn't so bad, but today is. I got to work about 2 hrs early and they wouldn't let me clock in. So instead of going to get coffee, I got a snack. Bad idea. I had a panic attack and ended up hiding in the bathroom at work for a few minutes, and now I'm outside smoking a cigarette and trying to calm my nerves.

I don't know what to do with myself. I am stuck feeling this "fight or flight" reaction and I don't know how I'm gonna get through work. I already want to cry. I'm scared but I can't even identify what I am afraid of. I just want to go home.

I'm always so negative, I know. But I can't find anything to feel positive about. Don't get me wrong, there's times when I don't feel so shitty, but I wouldn't exactly call it happiness.
Yesterday was one of those days, until about 5pm. My dad called me at work to tell me that my dog had gotten trapped in my room because aparently my door didn't latch, but when the heater turns on it sucks my door shut. And since he was trapped he ate my blinds, pissed on the carpet and tore up 2 feet of carpet in front of my door trying to get out. And as if it was my fault, he told me that I have to pay for it.

I pawned something this morning because I don't have any money to even buy food until Thrsday, but even then I have to give pretty much my whole check to my dad.

I freaked out and started crying and my bf tried telling me to calm down... but I was just super upset.

I guess one positive is that I got a raise at my work, so I am excited to start seeing how it impacts my check. It wasn't a huge raise, but a raise is a raise, right?

I don't even know what to say. I grew close to someone on IG and they're trying to kill themselves. I can't even stop them because their life is truly horrible. They don't deserve to have to keep living in the state they're in. But it just makes me sad, because I cared about them. I really shouldn't let myself care.

In the pic with the carpet, from the white part to my feet is where it's ruined.