Tonight is the second night in a row now that the nightmares have followed me. I guess my mind is more cunning against even me than I wanted to admit it was. I wish they could just be like regular nightmares, but they aren't.
These are vivid.
It's like I am there again.
Like I can feel the hands on my body.
I can taste the vomit in my mouth.
I always wake up shaking.
I can't pull myself out from the nightmare.
I have no control.
They aren't dreams. They are memories.
I wish I didn't have to remember.

They used to be worse. I used to wake up screaming. That drew too much attention from my family and they don't know. They can't know. Somehow I stopped screaming and now whatever I may do, it's "better". That is a joke. There is no better.

Yesterday I was up at 3am, and again at 6 because of the sheer fear in my heart.
Today it was at 4am and I won't be sleeping again.
This is just the beginning.

Trying to go outside to smoke a cigarette and freak out where my boyfriend wouldn't be disturbed was a failure. Que sitting on my bed trying to breathe and quiet the sobs wanting to escape from my chest.
Once I got outside, my fear and paranoia only intensified. So I came back inside. To no avail.

I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend deserves someone better. Someone who isn't controlled by fear. Someone who isn't tainted.
Untouchable.
Unloveable.

I can't be that person.
I don't know how.

I'm just falling farther and farther away from something he deserves.

The paranoia I used to have is coming back again, and so are the panic attacks. I have been lucky enough to not have one when my boyfriend is around, so he doesn't know about them yet. Soon, he will. It is getting hard to hide them.
I contantly have a knot of fear/nausea in my stomach now.
I want to use my blade.

I don't feel safe anymore. I don't know if I ever have since my head started remembering.. Will I ever feel safe again?
I feel like my sanity is cracking and my boyfriend already has his own shit to worry about. He doesn't need mine too.
Should I leave?

I didn't even dare to hope for sleep after my nightmares, so instead I curled up next to my boyfriend. I listened to his slow, even breathing for a few minutes before the tears came back. I shoved them down and stuck in headphones to at least attempt to drown out the images that are burned into my eyelids.
As if I could.
As if I deserve it.

It is branded into my body. I feel like even if a stranger doesn't know, they know. Like some invisible sign, marking me as a target. Marking me as weak, as someone to be taken advantage of. This is not my body. I will not claim it. I cannot stand it.

I wish mu boyfriend didn't have to go to work today. I don't want to be alone, but there is nobody I can call. My best friend doesn't respond to my text messages anymore, and after school all the "friends" I had just faded away.
So most days I either spend sitting at his work waiting for the few moments I can see him or I am in my bed trying to cloud my head. There is no in-between.

I am entirely pathetic. This is what my life has come to, and I try not to look at it and see the truth because then I feel guilty. Then I feel ashamed. And that is a feeling I cannot deal with... So I avoid it. But it always comes back to the simple fact that

I'm alone.

That idea has never bothered me. But in the wake of times like this when I simply cannot stand to be alone, that's when I feel it.
And I don't know what to do.

I won't be sleeping again until I can figure out how to keep the dreams away. I can't even fathom the idea that I could go through that again.
I won't admit to my boyfriend that I need him.
I won't let the cracks show.
I'll pretend everything is alright.
That I am at least surviving.
It's just how it has to be.

I am fine.
I have to be.

I am pathetic.
Tomorrow is August first. Soon after that, school will be starting again and where will I be?
Everyone is heading off to college and moving on with their lives. As they should be.
Not me.

It's been about two or two and a half months since I dropped out. Every day, I forget more and more. Every day the dreams I used to have feel farther and farther away.
College.
A good job.
Pride.
What I worked so hard for..
All gone in just a blink.

I made everyone think I was the best. That I was smart, ambitious, everything they wanted me to be. Then the curtain fell and they saw the girl hiding behind.
This girl wasn't perfect.
And that was the deal breaker...

I mean, what am I?
I don't have a job, and can't keep one.
The place I stay is only temporary.
I don't have a high school diploma, or the equivalency.
I don't have friends.
I don't have a life..
I don't even have my sanity.
I am falling, fast and hard. Into a darkness even I cannot see my way out of.

I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't even say that I can lose weight and not be so fat because I can't even do that.

And yet my boyfriend can't understand why I say I want to jump in front of a car. Or a train. Either would do.

He deserves so much better. And he could be with someone so much better than me. When people say they are jealous of what I have, I cannot hide my laugh.
I have nothing, I am nothing.
I have nothing to covet.
I have already lost everything.

And that is killing me in a way even I can't put words to.

"Destroy What Destroys You"
Yeah right.
It is very effectively destroying me, and I don't even have the strength to fight back.
I only hope my boyfriend realizes this and gets out before I can hurt him, too.

Well

I finally got over having my period. I was so bloated that I nearly lost my mind. No idea what my weight is, because if I cut right now I could lose my boyfriend. It always ends in fighting... And I don't want that.

He is the other half to my avocado. I don't know when I realized this, but I think I mean it. I would do anything for this boy, and he doesn't even know it.

I made a plan, like a weekly weight loss plan that I need to follow in order to be able to meet my UGW by my birthday in February. I have thoroughly fucked myself over for the month of July, and there is simply no saving it. So I will start again August first, no excuses.

I am also thinking of posting my weekly weigh in's on my blog, but I am unsure. Any thoughts?

I found a part I me that I have lost, and it makes me happy even if it is only temporary... 

I used to do this every day, and since having dropped out of school I haven't touched this in months. I finally did today, and it was the most freeing feeling.

My favorite song to spin to at the moment is "Chandelier" by Sia. I am absolutely addicted.

Has anyone else heard that song? I know it's pretty recently released but so far all I have heard is negative feedback about it. I really like the song, and I know I can't be the only one.

On August first I will post my starting weight. If I cannot give myself any other gift for my nineteenth year, I will give myself the gift of being weightless. I will be absolutely perfect.

I just have to want it enough.

I quit my job about two weeks ago and probably should get another one... But I don't think I can handle it. I am in denial that I have to grow up, in any and every way. Sigh.

Not sure how that one will turn out.

I have a court date tomorrow and I don't know if I am excited or not. I worked and fought so hard to get to this point.. And I thought succeeding would feel a hell of a lot better than it does. Is it worth it?

I haven't really got much more to say. I don't even want to be conscious. I just want to sleep and fade away from the world. Cloud my head with emptiness so all the bad thoughts won't even make me flinch.

The other day, I was talking to my best friend about my ED. She said "You've lost so much weight... Why are you still starving?"

Hah!

As if this is a choice? As if I could just wake up tomorrow morning and eat? As if I could just... Snap out of it?

My boyfriend happened to see that text message and he seemed genuinely shocked... He was all like "you starve yourself?"

Like he didn't know.

Didn't care.

Didn't notice when I go four days without eating.

Like weighing myself every two hours is totally normal.

I just don't even know. Fine. You want to pretend it isn't there? Like I am fine? I can pretend too. I won't talk to you and try to get you to understand if you are just going to brush me off.

Fine with me.

I want to cut so fucking badly.

If I cut, I'll fight with my boy.

If we fight, I might not let myself come back..

What do you do when you're so torn between two wants/desires? I don't know which is stronger. I wish he just didn't care what I did to myself and then I could have both and I wouldn't have to choose.

But that isn't how it is.

I have to choose.

And so I avoid it. Just like everything else.

Bad Day

I was at my boyfriends work until about 3am this morning, and I immediately fell asleep when I got home. Both of us ended up sleeping until late this afternoon only a few hours before he had to go to work, but whatever.

I absolutely fucking despise myself today. I really only have one pair of pants that fit me now, and even then they don't fit. They fit me yesterday and I was so excited to be losing weight so they would fit. Today when I put them on, I immediately knew I was too fat. I am literally punishing myself for being so fat. Even though it is aout 90 degrees here, I put on the biggest jacket I have. I don't want anyone to look at me.

My boyfriend tried to put his arms around me and I couldn't handle how fat that made me feel. I didn't want him to touch me because if he knew how fat I was he wouldn't love me. Ugh. The one bright side is that while he was laying on me, he had to keep moving for a few mins to get comfortable because he said my hipbones were fucking with him. At that comment, I couldn't help but to smile because that means you can at least see/feel my hipbones enough for them to be uncomfortable. 

Even with the overwhelming hate I have for myself right now, my boyfriend is offering me French fries. I know I shouldn't, but I am going to because it will feed the fire just that much more. I want to cut, though I have mixed thoughts about that one.

I just wish today was over. I wish I didn't exist. I don't even know my weight for today, and maybe that is best.

I can't actually seem to put words to the overwhelming rage I feel at myself right now. Hate. Bloodlust. I could really fuck myself up.

I keep lying to my boyfriend and saying there is nothing on my mind and no reason that I am being so quiet today, but what would he say if I told him what was really on my mind? He said once that with me there is never nothing on my mind, and I found it really offensive. So challenge accepted. I will at least make it seem like I am okay.

If not for my sake, at least for his. He doesn't deserve this. 

Just A Thought

I am so tired. My body needs sleep, and I am fighting the urge to sleep because I don't deserve it. I ate today, like a normal person. I had to, to hide. I tried to purge, but it is never enough.

My body is paying for it, because I have stomach cramps like I haven't had in such a long time.
Why do I do this?
Why can't I live in peace?
Starve, be as ritualistic as I want without worrying who will intervene. I am losing pretty much everyone.
But still things aren't bad enough.

I absolutely cannot wait until Friday when I get paid. I am goimg to spend a large chunk of my money on what most would consider a waste. But if I buy such a thing, then that means I won't have money to buy food. Which means I can at least have a legit reason for not eating.
I just can't pass out in front of anyone again. I need to keep my eating disorder hidden, or they will make me stop. I don't want to stop. I am still far too fat.

I miss cutting. I can't wait for winter when it will be easier to hide under several layers. Because I am cold anyways. Nobody would look at me twice.

I lost my best friend today, over such a stupid reason. But I mean, she said some really harsh things to me, and how am I supposed to react? I guess it just proves that I was right. I guess 7 years of friendship means nothing. Everyone is only temporary. When will I stop looking for the exception to that rule? There isn't one. People pretend to be different, but nobody ever is. Same shit, different day.

I honestly wish I could just take sleeping pills or something for a day or two and just sleep. I need the mental break before I totally lose it. Maybe I already have. I just need to disappear. Once I get a job, I am going to keep that job for a little while to save up some money, and then I am getting the fuck out of here. Not telling anyone where I am going, or when. I am just gonna go and it will be as if I never existed. Everyone will just forget about me, and when they do, I will finally be free.

Am I a negative person? Or am I just a result of circumstance?
I avoid people because I realized a long time ago that my thoughts weren't "normal." But is it my choice to think these thoughts or are they a result of situations I have faced and things I have learned?

I am gonna make a serious effort to list out both the negative and the positive things in my life. I am not sure I wanna know the outcome though.
Well, here goes nothing.

POSITIVE:
1. I have a boyfriend who loves me.
2. I have a place to live, and I don't even have to pay to live there.
... Seriously coming up blank here..
3. I have at least one person who loves everything about me, even the horrific.

I don't want to say things like "I am alive today" or "I am healthy" or even better "I am still breathing"... Because I don't want to be alive today, tomorrow or yesterday. Because I am so far from healthy even if it doesn't show physically. Because if I took my last breath right now, I can't say I wouldn't be happier. Pain-free. Maybe I wouldn't, but it couldn't be worse than this.

Alright. So that is what I have for the positive, so here is the flip side.

NEGATIVE:
1. I have no job.
2. I lost my best friend.
3. I don't even have a high school diploma...
4. I'm fat.
5. I am undeserving of everything I have.

I am sure there are more... But my point is that no matter how hard I try, the positive never seems to balance out the negative..
Maybe I am just destined to be this way.

Fasting and Restricting

So in my last post I posted that as of 8pm, I had fasted for a total of 20 hours. Now it is 5:30am and there's still no change.
So my total fasting time is 34.5 hours.
I've also realized that I haven't slept since I started fasting/stopped eating.
I feel like I should feel a hell of a lot worse because of such things, but I actually don't feel all that badly. A little tired mentally, but otherwise I still feel energized physically.
I don't understand because I should be crashing/have already crashed, but I will definitely use this time to my advantage.

I never quite noticed the passage of time. It's grace, as it ebbs and flows to it's own rythem. Laying in bed for these past five hours have been a challenge, but also somewhat like "free therapy." I am not so sure what instead of sleep.... But I think that's exactly it. I wasn't thinking, or really feeling. I remember watching my room turn from pitch black to the soft tones of dawn. A moment most people often don't get to see. Or they shrug it off, as if it is nothing. For me, the sunrise is my favirite part of the day because they are new, and no matter how many sunrises you watch, they all remain beautiful and unique.

I've also been really on edge lately. I am deathly afraid of moths, as my boyfriend has witnessed. When outside, I have a fear/dislike of grasshoppers and butterflies. I refuse to kill spiders, and just this morning as I was entering my bathroom, there was a giant beetle on the floor and a pincher bug or a few following behind. Now, keep in mind that at 5am, when you just get out of bed, most don't think twice of walking barefooted. After almost stepping on one... I am so thouroughly creeped out that I am seriously considering avoiding my bathroom for a long time because I know they're there somewhere - not dead. Pathetic, I know. (However, in my defense some of the bugs that inhabit this basement are pretty fucking creepy and completely unlike ones that I've seen before.)

Maybe it is due to the fact that my mind is tired and my body is confused, but I seem to be especially jumpy last night/this morning. Every stray hair that brushes me is a bug crawling on me. Every quiet, unexplained thump is a moth frantically beating it's wings against a window.
Every shadow left unchecked has somethimg in it to fear, and my eyes aren't of much help to me right now either. I just need to breathe. Take a cigarette and my juice outside and breathe. I am still unsure of my stomach though, wondering if it would accept or reject an anti-nausea pill or even the juice. No food.
Today is day 3. ^-^

I hate fear. I hate being afraid, in the truest sense of the word. A fear that never goes away and only seems to grow stronger as the days pass by. Is it even possible (for me) to live a life without fear?
If not, I would at least like to be able to live my life without being controlled by such strong fears.
But as I said, such a chance seems too far away to hope for...
Is it?

I love the feeling of being the only person awake in my house. It's peaceful. I don't have to look presentable or worry what the other person is thinking of me.
It is a different feeling to just  take a deep breath and stand entirely still, making no noise. To feel the space of the silence and consider it a friend is uncommon for me, so I try to appreciate it at least a little before the world officially wakes up.
It's my secret little indulgence. (;

Now I suppose I am off to weigh, though I am scared absolutely shitless. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without my eating disorder. Without my self harm, anxiety, or having to live a life ruled by fear.
Of course the thought immediately following that is of what I was... Before. At least whatever I am now is a slight improvement over what I used to be. I will NEVER go back. Even if this kills me.

I will update more later after I have started my day, weighed, and woken up.
Good morning, if anyone still reads this. I don't think there is anyone left who reads, but if there is I would love to know you are there.

Here goes nothing. Wish me luck. Xx

Set In Stone

Well. I am about 20 hours into my fast (as of 8pm), and still going strong.
At this point, if I even wanted to eat or drink something, I couldn't. My throat closes just thinking about it.
That probably shouldn't make me happy.... But it does.

I know how dangerous fasting is (on top of exercise), and restricting both fluids and food is worse. I know I need to drink something, anything. But I can't.
There is a war inside my body right now, caused by a choice I made. My stomach is hungry and starting to feel nauseous, but my mouth and mind are strong. They clench and say no to food. The muscles refuse to contract.... Though I can't say I am trying too hard.

This is my second day in a row being up in the clouds, but hopefully if anything it will reflect on the scale tomorrow morning.
This morning, stepping on my scale I realized how inaccurate my weight would end up being calculated as, so I quickly stepped off, although not quite fast enough.
I want to/shouldn't/need to/can't take laxies tonight. Just that thought alone spikes my anxiety because it's almost like I can feel the food digesting as it reaches my stomach... Which is repulsive. I am repulsive. I am a fucking blimp. *sigh* So I'll just have to do what I can to minimize bloating. Although I have a goal (139) for July, I am simply going to forget the goal and be as strict as possible with myself for these twelve days. No outside influence, no lies to tell and food to hide. No watching everyone around me watch me watch them while I "eat".

It will be just my boyfriend and I, but even then he is going to be working a lot for the next few days. If he somehow manages to "persuade" me into eating, I know what I have to do. No excuses. Excuses are for quitters and wishers... Reasons are for succeeders and accomplishments.
But if he can't see me eat during the day, he is less likely to bring it up during the evening after he gets off work.
"I want you to notice I am losing weight, but not stop me from doing it."
Is this really what my life has come to with this ever present paranoia and distrust to even my own family?

RANDOM (but not):
I have never been one to be too excited about my birthday. I never wanted the attention, the food, the celebration seemingly for yet another year of my life that has passed - meaningless. However, even as a kid 6 was my favorite number. I remember I had to count everything in multiples of 6, or that the number of steps I took on one block of cement had to be a multiple of 6. The one exception that even I can't explain?

My 19th birthday.

Sure, it was cool to turn 16, but I never did get my liscence or a car. (Just another lie he told me that wasted my time and only fueled the fire inside)
18 was supposed to be even better. Freedom. Choices. Responsibility. Adulthood. Being thrown out of the nest. When I turned 18, I wasn't thrown with care. I was thrown out of the nest as far to the right and backwards as possible, thinking I wouldn't survive. But as sure as they waste my time I proved them wrong. But being an adult sucks, as everyone says. Suddenly (coincidence?) every plan I had carefully formed and checked and worked out to perfection crumbled in front  of my eyes and I was left with nothing.
As seems to be the norm for life these days.

But turnimg 19 feels... Different somehow. It feels special, and important. What better gift is there to give myself than the gift of stepping on the scale and waiting a second while it calculates my weight, only to see my dream number there? Perfection, that I fought for through blood, sweat, and pain....
I can only dream of such a thing that's always just out of reach. But if I am strict enough with myself and work hard enough, that dream can happen when I am 19.
That gives me roughly seven months to lose approx. 37 lbs.
That would put me at a sub-goal of 5 lbs per month with the exception of this month. My goal for the end of July to put me on track is 138. Roughly 7 lbs (maybe less) to lose in 12 days. I should be less than 7 lns away though. I need to figure out how to help bloating.
I am starting to panic because there are all of these numbers, and I know all but one: my weight today. I really don't think it should make me panic as much as it does, but I have a specific way to weigh myself in the mornings and I never not do it. The exception is today because I was out riding the clouds last night and didn't get home until well past 7am, happy and laughing.
Lack of foods as well as liquids equals lightheaded fits of laughter and cuddling on my bed because lahimg down is easier than standing or sitting up.
I am riding the clouds tonight as well, and then tomorrow I will rest my body for such adventures. The fun begins again on Tuesday, or so I hope.

So here is a quick update of my stats: (never really posted them before(

Height: 78 inches (5'8")
Highest Weight: 186 lbs (2010)
Lowest Weight: 122 lbs
Current Weight: 145-ish
GW1: 138 lbs (7/x/14)
GW2: 133 lbs (8/x/14)
GW3: 128 lbs (9/x/14)
GW4: 123 lbs (10/x/14)
GW5: 118 lbs (11/x/14)
GW6: 113 lbs (12/x/14)
GW7: 108 lbs (1/31/14)

Seven goal weights for seven different momths. I absolutely cannot fuck this up. My 19th birthday is everythimg to me, amd I just know that if I fail, I will not be giving myself another chamce, or forgiveness. I MUST do this.

*Deep Breath* Alright. Let's go.

Deeper

Deeper and deeper I fall
From the perfect child I used to be.
I have lived,
Lied,
Tried,
Cried,
And fought in every way I know how.
Still every cut is not deep enough.
There are never enough scars on my body, enough blood shed.
The monster got stronger when I wasn't looking, and I can pretend to match it in strength, but only for a second. Eventually it will bite, and when it does... Will there be any of me, left?

I thrive on a lower number,
A stomach that growls.
Thighs that do not touch,
A necklace made of bone.
Wings that sprout to fly me away,
Skin that stretches tight to reveal the cage behind..
It is my proof
That I am broken, warped, tainted.
One moment of imperfection is all that it takes, an ungraceful tumble across the dance floor... All eyes on you.
I do not want attention,
yet somehow I never fail to attract it.

Even still
words are never enough,
My cuts never fatal.
Hope is a fleeting dream that I almost stopped believing in.
Instead I sided with my demons who have become my only remimder of this fragile line I walk upon. I teeter between nosediving and destroying the final chance I was given but don't deserve and indulging in the distant possibility that I can escape this hell when I have finally had enough.
That I can walk out of the other side burnt and broken.... But still standing. Invincible.

Maybe, if I can muster the strength to open my eyes another day... I will find the strength I need.
I have my reason to fight, and though I may not know what I am fighting for, and what it will be like when I come out the other side... I have to keep fighting. I stand by those who lend me strength, but can't shake the fear holding me back.
I need to find my hope, to replace the paralyzing fear that's always creeping and pushing me down. I need to find my strength, so that I can bear the weight of myself, and my world on my shoulders. I need to rebuild my trust, because I know I cannot do this on my own. Without him, what the fuck am I capable of accomplishing?
Nothing.

So why do I keep on trying?
Someone once told me that Anorexia was a slower form of suicide. A way to control yet another thing in the confusing chaos...
But even my control over that is slippery.
Like when you pass out in front of your best friend's grandma..
I should feel scared, should want to eat more because that always solves the problem... Right?
Instead I feel ashamed that I couldn't be strong enough to fight gravity, or hide my side effects well enough
To protect at least the one person that I love. The one who has any significant value to my heart...

Hah. Protect? They shouldn't even care, and if I were smart I would do everything in my power to keep him smiling, selfless or not. Maybe that means pushing myself away. Because how are you supposed to be the sheild to protect against harm AND be the weapon of attack at the same time?
I guess to destroy myself isn't enough either...
This cruel illness will take down everyone around me, as if it isn't bad enough to have to see the struggle daily. To live it.
They lay the guilt on nice and thick, like a down winter coat that I can't take off. They smile, pretending to help you while laying landmines in your mind. Don't worry, you won't see them coming. I can only hope I survive.

But wait! They will try to shrink the coat... Try to make you who they believe you should be. They tighten the strings....
Squeezing, suffocatimg, starving my body
my mind
my soul.

I can't breathe in enough air to scream, and it's only a matter of time before I reach my limit.... For the final time.

All I can say is that I am sorry you can't understand, but I can't make you understand, or at least I don't know how.

Somehow, even with the wars raging inside of me:
Cutting vs talking
Camille vs the world
Camille vs Camille
Burning vs talking
Starving vs feeling

Austin vs Me
Camille vs family
Camille vs everything/everybody.

All I can do is tread the water, hope to get stronger... Hope to survive. I can't let myself feel too much or worry too much or think too much because if he gets hurt, or if a dear friend does, no amount of self inflicted pain will ever be enough. No transgressions will be forgiven, no second chances.
It is now or never.
I just have to dig
A
Little
Deeper.

Done.

7/18/14
My favorite binge food?
Hot french fries with nacho cheese.
Disgusting, I know.
Not to mention how rediculosly high in calories it must be.

The scale said 145 yesterday morning, and now that it's about 2am, I have ruined my chances of weighing for the day. I really should take laxies...

I can't believe I passed out earlier. I'm so fucking weak. I hate that I can't just starve in peace. I'm pathetic. Right now it is 2:07am. I will be fasting for the rest of tomorrow. So maybe it will all work out?

Not to mention starving. I can't have my cake and try to eat it, too. I need to be strong. Empty. Pure. Weightless. Zero. And I will not achieve that by stuffing my face. I wish I had someone to talk to, but most everyone has faded away or recovered. And good for them, because they shouldn't have to suffer from this horrendous disease. I do, though. At least until I can say I have had enough. Assuming it doesn't kill me first.

Oh, how I wish I could cut. And purge. *sigh* I will burn in hell for that, but it's true. And since I'm going to hell anyways, I might as well make it worth my while.

Passed out in front of my mom earlier, and she made me eat.
Today's intake is at 830. Took 22 laxies.
Still Not Enough.
I wish I was dead.

Honesty

I am sitting with my mom at her house. My boyfriend and I came up because he was gonna do some yard work for her.

So while he does that, I am just left here to think.

It is a beautiful day outside. Maybe a little on the hot side, but there's a breeze that evens it out. But instead of sitting outside enjoying it in my jeans and a t-shirt, I would rather be inside in shorts and a t-shirt hiding away from the world.

I don't want anyone to look at me today. I don't want even my boyfriend to see me today.

My highest weight of all time was 186. My lowest weight is 122. Now I am 145, and I feel absolutely fat. My boyfriend calls me sexy on a daily basis, and I get told I am gorgeous. But they roll right off of me, because no matter how hard I might try... The voice inside of me is much stronger. Until I reach my new goal of 108, and can honestly say that, I don't think the voice in my head will ever fade.

I was talking with my boyfriend. He doesn't like the fact that I starve myself. Or that I cut, or that I used to burn. He doesn't understand why I can't see what he sees.

He doesn't want me to starve my way down to 108. But I have to. I can't explain why, or make someone understand why I have to. I just... Have to.

I can't stop cutting. I don't cut for the feeling it provides, necessarily. I cut because I need to see the wounds on my body. I need to see on the outside what I feel on the inside.

My boyfriend had 2 warrants for his arrest, which were for stupid speeding tickets. He was avoiding them because he just lost his job and didn't have the money to pay them. So he has been evading them, and now he has a third warrant issued because of the first two.

I know he needs to pay them, but I understand why he can't. I just hate being afraid that he could go to jail and ill have to be without him. I don't think I could spend another day without him, or spend a night even. He is what allows me to sleep at night, without the nightmares that haunt me. Before him, I would spend days without sleeping, just because I was afraid. Now, I can sleep. But to be afraid that I am going to lose him, even for a short period of time, I just can't stand it. I don't know what to do though.

I have completely ruined today. I hate to think of what my total caloric intake totals to, because it would probably be horrifying. I've had about 3 otter pops (180), some chex squares (210?), sweet tea (180) and a little bit of the chipotle I got yesterday (?) and chips (320). So upwards of 830? Ugh. There is no way that I can save today. I know that might not seem like a lot, but it feels like FAT to me.

I wish I could purge, and cut until there is no skin left untouched. But I don't want my boyfriend to see that.

I have done Meth. I do Meth. I guess it depends on how you look at it, but at the same time I guess it doesn't matter. I do it because I have seen what it can do to aid weightloss. I have only ever planned on doing it for a short time - just a few months. I just want it long enough to reach my goal.

But my boyfriend said to me today that if I do it anymore, he won't touch me. He told me that he has an addictive personality and that the reason he won't touch any part of me that isn't covered in clothes because it transfers through touch.

I didn't know it did, but I really hate the thought of him not wanting to touch me. Like I'm... Repulsive. Dangerous. Undesirable. I am probably out of my mind, but he is making me choose.

Which do I want more?

Drugs and being skinny

or

My boyfriend and what his touch gives me?

I just want to be skinny, beautiful. Not covered in a fat bodysuit.

It's like a sick joke.

I just wish I could erase today and go back to make it the kind of day that I SHOULD have had. I feel absolutely repulsive. And now my mom is trying to get me to eat a BLT with her and her boyfriend. I swear to god I will lose my shit. I am already barely hanging on, and the day isn't even over.

I still have a little of my drug with me, and I know I can't waste it. I want to do it, but what then with my boyfriend? He said he won't touch me.

I am absolutely driving myself insane with these thoughts that keep going around and around in no progressive way. The only constant thing is the need to cut. I wish I had a blade with me. What can I do except apologize later?

I guess that's all for now. It's time to disappear.

I haven't slept in over 48 hours, and I haven't eaten in equal time. I feel kind of wired. Actually, a lot wired.

Part of it is from starvation, but I am also wired on drugs.

This is the second day, and I wish I could  keep going. I don't want to come down, but my boyfriend is right. I can't get addicted.

I have to be careful. I think I know my limits and I always want to push them.

I am so irritated with myself. It's getting in the way if everything I try to do right now. I tried to take a shower and couldn't force myself to get undressed because I didn't want to see myself.

I cut a few days ago, in a slight argument with my boyfriend. I guess I was too fed up with myself to think clearly about how I was accomplishing it... So now I have to go back and clean them to prevent infection when I should have already done it.

Score one for me.

Since my boyfriend and I were gonna have some fun last night, we left my house around midnight, and we have just kinda been walking around and enjoying the night. Now that the sun is rising, we are gonna go to a place to watch it. It's always a sight to see, and the few times that I have actually been awake to see it, it has been absolutely stunning.

The sunsets here are equally as beautiful, though in how they appear is different each day.

And there is nobody I would rather spend this time with than my boyfriend.

For just a few minutes of peace.

But even that peace is only fleeting.

Out here, it is quiet. There are no sounds of people other than a few cars that sound distant. There is the sound of our voices, which suprisingly don't seem out of place.

The feeling of the sun hitting my uncovered skin and the weight of his head on my knee...

It's something I can only describe as happiness.

Not the kind of happiness that is dependent on other people. Not the kind that fades when they aren't around anymore. This kind of happiness is the kind that sticks around. The kind of happiness that is still unfamiliar to me.

The only time I don't feel as if time is speeding on and leaving me behind is when I am on go. Then I feel like I get ahead of time and can actually stop and enjoy the moment. But unfortunately, I can't always go, so I have to find that balance without it, too.

I haven't felt much like being around people today. I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere, or be seen by anyone. But my grandparents said they needed me and I had to go over there. I didn't want to be there with every fiber of my being, and essentially ended up not being needed there. Such a waste of time..

I have basically spent the entire day in my room, on my bed. I didn't see any reason to leave to go anywhere other than my grandparents... So I didn't.

I don't know my weight and it is bothering the shit out of me. I haven't eaten in two days, which I know means that when I weigh myself tomorrow morning, the number will at least be something I can bear. Not too high. I have to undo the damage.

I doubt I have been drinking enough liquids, which means I will probably be bloated tomorrow.

The lightgeaded feeling and the dark spots that appear in my vision almost every time I stand up are the only signs to prove that I am doing things right. I have to keep going. My boyfriend basically giving me until December to stop doing drugs, stop smoking cigarettes. Quit most of my bad habits.

The only question I have is...

Do I want to stop?

I tried to go swimming the other day but couldn't manage to make myself go. There is too much to hide right now. There is always too much to hide.

I spoke to my grandma yesterday for the first time in a long while, and I only made things worse. I tried to be in a better mood, tried at least being polite to her. But I couldn't even manage that, and ended up just pushing her farther away. She's gonna en up hating me by the time she dies, I know it.

Aye. I just have a lot of thoughts today that aren't really anything, but they are crowding my head. I need to just shut my brain off.