Why?

I don't know who I am anymore or what I stand for. I can't define what I stand for and what I don't. I'm more lost than I was before and I don't know how that's possible.

I met two random guys at the bus stop about 3 weeks ago. They asked me basic conversational questions and then asked what I was up to. When they heard I was heading to an appointment, the first (I will call him A) asked if I wanted a ride. I agreed knowing that I have a knife to protect myself. They drove me to my appointment and dropped me off and they seem pretty cool. I've seen him since and hung out with his friend J. Last night A wanted to hang out after work and we met up with him and his friend J and another person. We all drove to the mountains and went to the river. They wanted to spin fire and i'll admit, its pretty neat. A is pretty good with the poi. We hung out there until they ran out if kerosene, and then we went down to the river. It was like 3am and it was pretty rough and looked really pretty and I was so happy to be there. After we left, we smoked some weed and them dropped J's friend off. We went back to J's place and we smoked some more and then we all passed out. We were chilling today seeing as I didn't have to work but A did. So I had the option of either hanging with J or going home and I didn't really want to go home. So for the last 4 hours I've been hanging with J. I know that they both like me.
I hung out with A two nights ago and he told me that he liked me as more than a friend and wanted more. I explained that I had just gotten out of a long relationship and that I want ready to get into another one. He basically said that was fair and hasn't pushed the issue since. But today while I was hanging out with J, he started to come on to me and I told him no. He kept saying that he didn't want sex and that he just wanted an honest chat with someone. So I started telling him simple things, and just trying to get to know him. But then he just stopped and started treating me strangely. Thats when I started writing this post. He called A at his work and said "are you gonna come pick this bitch up our should I drive her home? I can't fuck her, and she ain't got nothing good to say."
A said something and they hung up and he walked out of the room. I grabbed all of my shit and left.

I met up with my best friend because I couldn't go home and I just wanted some company. They were getting ready to have a party and we ended up leaving to go hang out with their friends. We ended up getting really drunk and really gigh and it was a pretty good time. Also yesterday my pipe and my weed was stolen. Two nights ago I went to the mountains at around 12am and just sat by the river, with A, J, and thir friend. We dropped their friend off at around 3am. But I had it when I fell asleep last night and it was gone in the morning. Thats the other thing. My best friend got me a pipe and I'm so happy that she did that. It means a lot to me, and it's neat.

So I called A after I left J's house the other day because I wanted to tell him that if he was going to be as much of a dick as his friend was that I wanted nothing to do with him.
He asked to come talk to me after he got off of work. When I finally talked to him, he said that he agreed with new that his friend was being a dick and that grew was considering not being friends with him anymore. I told him that I was just a random girl and that I didn't want to get in the way if his friendship and he still stuck with the fact that he didn't want to be friends with him anymore. So I thought that he would be cool.

Ive hung out with him today, and he is pretty chill. For as long as he is still here we can be good friends.

But why do I have to get this kind of attention? I never used to exist before and now I can't stop existing.

I don't know if I have ever written about my friend R. He looks all too similar to my ex for one, and I met him through my best friend about five months ago. Lately he has been texting me incessantly and won't leave me alone. I tried pushing him away, making him hate me, everything. He wouldn't stop telling me that he loved me and he was emotionally blackmailing me. Yesterday while I was with J and A, he called me. It was only about the twelfth time he called me but one time J answered while I was out of the room and told R that he kidnapped me and was holding me in his trunk and that he had my phone (as I heard from a police officer later). I basically fixed it because I told them that he had played a joke on R because R was harassing me and they said they would talk to him. Which that actually didn't happen because he still continued to message me on Facebook. Eventually I told him to leave me alone and to fuck off and he listened. Sort of.

But yeah...

I don't even know what to feel. I don't know. Sorry. I guess I needed to vent.

...

Things are getting bad again.

I don't know what to do.

I can't make it through again..

Untitled

I haven't managed much with my eating recently, but I've managed to lose 1.6 lbs since I last updated. I'm not entirely sure how, but somehow.

I passed out while with my friend earlier, and as a result she hauled me to McDonald's and made me eat a sandwich. I can deal though.. I think.

I've been running a lot of errands today but I've got nowhere.

I start work on Wednesday but I still don't know when I'm starting or have a uniform. So I can't really start and I'm freaking out about that.

I have about 2 weeks to move out, no money, and nowhere really to go. I'm also freaking out about that. I don't know what to hope for, other than working as much as I can before the 31st and hoping its close to when I get my paycheck.

I formally dropped out of school this morning. That was harder than I expected it to be. I had to have all my teachers sign my withdraw paper, as well as see other students laugh at me for it. I saw all my teachers looks when I handed that paper to them. It was so hard.

But it's done and over with and I just need to accept it. So. Yeah. That's my life. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Eww

My cals total 1205. All I've had today is some candy and a few chips, and a little bit of sweet tea.

I weighed in at 154 this morning. Or rather this afternoon. Somehow, throughout my day of binging, I've sill lost a pound. I don't currently have my backpack with my laxies in it, but when I get back I'm so taking some. I have to lose weight.

I start work in 3 days. I don't want to be the fat one when I start. I need to lose more weight before I go. For the next three days, I'm fasting. Zero calories, even from drinks. I have to.

Well. Today's (well yesterday's) intake wasnt bad. I ended up around 500, though most of it was liquids. Today's been a lot better, as I've only had liquids. I'm gonna try to keep liquid fasting today, despite being with my best friend.

She passed out around 10, and it's almost 4:30am. I have yet to go to sleep, though I am tired as fuck. Sleeping is honestly a challenge for me and I avoid it whenever I can.

I did however manage to finally write my brother back, though it took like 5 pages of paper. I guess I had a lot to say.

My dad kicked me out basically and I've got until May 31st to move out. No exceptions, and if I don't find a place by then... I'll be homeless. That's why I'm so anxious to start work, because I need to make some money so I have money to put down for rent and actually have means to look for a place.

I've got so much stress going on in my life, what with moving, dropping out of school, family drama, my ED, anxiety, depression, etc. it's just a shit ton to handle all at once. I was originally writing this at 4am, but it's later than that now.

I'm not satisfied at all with how today went... But I guess all I can do is make a better day tomorrow. -sigh- we shall see, I guess.

Still Too Fat

There's this guy that I've had a thing with. We're not friends, because we do pretty much everything a couple does... But we aren't dating.

Things got pretty heated earlier and that's fine. He tells me he loves me, and I think I love him. He gives me peace when I can't find it anywhere else. I always want to just be around him. I want to see his smile.

But we aren't together.

I asked him what we were. Just because I need to know where I stand with him. He basically said he could see us dating but that he couldn't at the same time and didn't know why.

The only thing I can think... I've tried, believe me. The only thing I can think is that I am too fat. That's why he won't date me, because I'm fat. He doesn't love me, because I'm fat.

That might as well have been a sucker punch to the gut. I do want to be with him... But I'm too fat. /:

I'm Gonna Gain

I haven't been able to fast as much as I want to. Yesterday I ate kind of a lot because I was with my best friend almost all day. I took a bunch of laxies though and woke up wonderfully empty today. I didn't fast today either, but I've had 630 calories. I had:

3 creme de piroline sticks (150)

2 fruit roll ups (180)

6 sour cream and onion chips (160)

1 Mountain Dew (140)

So that's not bad if you factor in my walking (100) and purging. So that makes my total 530. I can deal with that, almost... I'm gonna do more exercise.

I'm anxious to weigh tomorrow, if I get the chance. I need to lose weight, not gain it.

I've been with my best friend all day today too, which is why I've eaten so much. But I figure I will be fasting and exercising tomorrow as I have to pack. So hopefully I will lose.

My phone was stolen a few days ago, and I bought a new one off of Amazon for $40. It's supposed to be here this Friday or next Monday. I hope it gets here soon. I never realized just how much I need it or how often I use it, even for little things.

Other than that, nothing is really happening. I got a job but don't start for another week, which sucks. I want to start now. 

Anyways. These laxies are making me feel really sick. So I'm gonna go lie down. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Thank You

I don't really know what to say to Katie and Ell, who commented on my last post. It means so much to me that you care. I know I don't want to fuck up my life with drugs like that when I do know the effect of them. It was only recreational, never something I'd consider doing for a long period of time. I just needed a way to break my plateau, much as I do now. Eventually I will reach a weight I'm happy at (without drugs) and I'll stop. I won't need drugs, or to starve. I wouldn't need a lot of the things I do now.

Soon I'll get there and I will stop. But for now, I'll agree with both of you and stop it. Because I know how easy you can be addicted. I don't want to be addicted to it.

Reality Check

I was stuck at plateau of 162 for a while there. I would get down to 159.6, and then id increase again. It was so frustrating.
I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.
After my brief stint with meth, I got down to 155. That's what I'm stuck at now.
Except... I spent the weekend at a friends and basically binged, so now I currently weigh 156.8.

Starting tomorrow, I will have no food. I will fast, and I will do anything necessary to lose weight. Even knowing how stupid it is... I'd go back to drugs to lose the weight. The only thing holding me back right now is that I don't have any money.... But in a way I guess that isn't really holding me back.

Every day I just get more and more upset with myself. Upset for not trying harder and sooner in school. I get sad for watching what other people have, knowing I could have had that.
I've missed out on so many things already, and what I have doesn't feel like a life.
It's the reason for constant cuts on my arms.
The reason I starve.
Or the reason I binge and then purge and take laxies.
It's the driving reason behind my drug use.
And every day it just gets worse.

I don't want this. I don't want this life. I wish I could give it up to someone who deserves it.
But the only thing I have control over is my beating heart. My breath. And only I can take it away. Only I can take the pain away.

I don't want to be alone today.

But there's nobody to be with.

I'm not attending school today either. I should work on my assignments for class, but I just can't bring myself to. I'm honestly doubting my ability to raise my grade, and it's destroying me. 

I don't want to even go there.

Fuck

I took laxatives yesterday at about this same time. I was expecting them to kick in last night or this morning, but now it's nearly 2:30pm and they haven't.

I'm start to freak out, get anxiety. I've even pacing all day, rarely sitting down. I don't have any more laxatives, and no money to buy them. I need to get this food out of me.

So far I'm at 585 calories for the day. Actually, slightly more than that. I'd say 650.

Ugh.

I don't know what to do, or how to avoid panicking about this. The bottom line is... I need two things.

Jenny and laxatives.

I start work in a week and a half, so I'll have money then. Right now, I don't. And I have no way to get some. Fuck.

I hate asking people to borrow money... Not that I have anyone I could borrow like $10 from. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying not to freak out and I'm failing. I can feel the food moving through my body. This is bad... Very bad. 

Fuck. This was supposed to help me not panic or freak out, but that's not working so well. Guess I'm gonna go pace. 

I know it's gonna happen again.

I'd give anything for it not to, though. I am terrified of going through that again. But what can I do? I can starve, but I know how unlikely that is.

I need to meet up with Jenny again. She's the only thing that can keep my appetite at bay and prevent it from happening again. But I don't have any way to get some.

I'm out of laxatives, and right now I haven't got money to buy them. I'm actually quite desperate. I've thought of stealing them... Oh how easy it'd be. 

I'm probably not gonna sleep tonight. I wish I could, though... At least so I can forget about this issue and not worry over it all night as I know I will.

But I feel like sleep is mostly out of the question.

I'm not sure what I'm more scared of...

My nightmares?

Or

What's happening to me?

Fuck. I don't know what I'm gonna do, or really what I even CAN do. I guess I just have to hope to get through this safely and avoid food afterwards. Guess I'm gonna need an appetite suppressant and a lot of excuses.

I wish people could just understand, but that is unlikely.

I don't care about tomorrow though. I just need to get through tonight. It's almost 1am here. So just 5 more hours. I can do this. I have to.