"What if I was nothing?"

There's a song that I found a while ago, and it only just started making me think. The song is called "What If I Was Nothing" by All That Remains.

Some of the lyrics are:
"And if you're thinking I might, might be led astray,
Just remember this one question

What if I was nothing? What if this is true?
What if I was nothing, nothing without you?
So what if I was angry, what did you think I'd do?
I told you that I love you, I'm nothing without you."

This song makes me think of my boyfriend in so many ways. Aside from the obvious expression of love that the lyrics portray, I feel like this pertains to me especially.

I started this blog on Sunday, June 24, 2012. That's almost 3 years ago. When I started this blog, I don't know what I meant it to be. I wanted a place to write my thoughts, and I had found a girl who was the author of a blog about Anorexia. I felt someone I could relate to, and her posts were kind of what inspired me to start my own. I wanted to have my own little "corner" of the internet to rant and express myself in whatever way. I wanted to find other people like me that I could relate to so that I didn't feel so alone.

Six days later I began blogging as way to get my thoughts out.

AUGUST 2012
I started this blog when I was dating C, my now ex boyfriend. We were together for 3 years in the long run, but I began this blog after my dad kicked me out for the first time and told me not to come back for a few weeks. I thought I was fine with that, it didn't really mean much to me. For the first while I tried to recover a bit, but I didn't really give it all my effort. I didn't really want to recover. I started my Junior year in high school, and was pretty optimistic.

SEPTEMBER 2012
I went to outdoor lab, where I got caught in my ED and had to lie my way out of that. I wasn't that bad in my ED though, I wish I could have seen that. I was struggling more though, because I was binging and purging at this time. I was still clashing with my dad, and still not living with him, though I was only 17 at the time.

OCTOBER 2012
I don't really have much to say about this month... I didn't do much, and wasn't in the best state of mind.

NOVEMBER 2012
I was feeling distant from my family, not really able to tell them anything. Not able to ask for their help or share most of the things that excited me with them because they were so negative about it. I lost my best friend this month too. That was a huge thing for me and I spent a while feeling really angry and confused about it. I tried talking to a counselor in my school to get help with my self harm and ED, which ultimately failed in time. My grandparents tried to get me to go see an outside therapist for eight weeks, and that was also a failure. A waste of time. I started losing my grace in school and my grades started slipping but were still okay. I started losing contact with my then boyfriend, C, after being with him for 2 years.

DECEMBER 2012
I tried to OD.

JANUARY 2013
I went to Hawaii with my dad, but it wasn't a very good trip because my ED ruined it. I broke up with my boyfriend during this time as well. That was difficult but something I am glad I did. My depression kicked in a little more.

FEBRUARY 2013
I began fasting more and more, but not taking interest in anything outside of my ED. I was still dealing with the aftereffects from my OD. I competed with color guard, trying to hide as much of my ED symptoms as possible. I had some pretty intense mood swings during this month. Like going from cloud nine to wanting to die. They were hard for me to deal with.

MARCH 2013
I was struggling a lot during this time with thoughts of suicide, and at one point I had set a date to kill myself (April 1, 2013) because it would have been April Fools Day and that would have been a statement. A friend of mine named A tried to help me, though I pushed her away too. I was just very depressed during this month as well as April.

MAY 2013
I noticed how much damage I had let my ED do to me in school and in my personal relationships, but I really didn't care. I knew I was spiraling downward, but I just didn't give a fuck.

JUNE 2013
I got my mom back in my life, and I was so happy for that. I was working to make things better with her, so that when I turned 18 I could have something to show for it. My dad knew about my self harm though he never really tried to help or stop me. My grandparents knew too, but unfortunately that made me only want to do it more. I fell more and more into my ED during this month, I believe.

AUGUST 2013
My dad kicked me out again and I spent a few weeks couch hopping because I didn't have a stable place to stay. My school caught on to the fact that I was cutting and searched me. It was a whole ordeal. They called my family and my dad told people who didn't need to know. It caused a huge wave of anger in my house. I was still pretty depressed and suicidal during this month too, because I wasn't even trying to fight it. I just didn't give a fuck. I also started getting flashbacks from my sexual abuse this month, which made everything that much harder. Up until this point, I didn't remember it.

SEPTEMBER 2013
During this month, I started teaming up with my ED and giving into SH which is what helped me get through it. But I was coping in very unhealthy ways and wasn't really working towards anything, I was letting everything fall apart.

OCTOBER 2013
I was doing better this month, or at least fooling myself along with everyone else.

NOVEMBER 2013
School became a major stress for me, and I struggled to find structure with my everyday life. I basically just existed for this month, rather than living. Thanksgiving was especially hard for me, and I was creating a lot of conflict with my family. I started getting flashbacks about my sexual abuse though, and up until this point I had had absolutely no idea.

DECEMBER 2013
December was especially hard. I put one last ditch effort into school, which turned out not to do any good. I realized the actual pattern of why my grades were starting to slip and I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Everything was slipping through my fingers. I was also doing a lot of self sabotaging during this month... More to speculate about later?

JANUARY 2014
I was pretty depressed in January, keeping to myself, not wanting to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to be left alone, and I didn't want to reach out to anyone to help me get out of that rainstorm. I felt particular anxiety because certain people were aware that I blogged, and felt the need to read my blog. I felt like that took away my safe haven a little bit. During this month I struggled to connect to people, to feel like I was a part of my life.

FEBRUARY 2014
I wanted someone to reach out to me, to care enough to get past all the weak defenses I put up. But it was hard to find someone like that, and I spent this month and the next few feeling isolated and alone. Though it was all of my own doing, it was still difficult and I struggled a lot just to find a reason to keep trying.

MARCH 2014
During this month I broke up with C. Though it was a good decision, it was a hard decision for me, because I didn't want to be alone again. But I am glad I did, because we both deserved the opportunity to do better. My ED dominated my life for this month pretty much, it was a cycle of drugs, laxies, starving, and sleeping. It wasn't a good place to be, and I didn't really do or accomplish anything during this month. I was basically existing, not living.

APRIL 2014
During March and April, I wasn't really in a good headspace. I was trying to destroy my life. Getting into using meth, using my body to feel instead of think through sex and self harm, starving and trying to keep everything together and numb myself from realizing just what I fucked up.

MAY 2014
This is the month that I should have graduated school, but I dropped out instead. I pushed my family away and wouldn't let them see that I was hurting. Everyone couldn't understand why I dropped out of school, and I wasn't about to tell them. I was trying to get a full time job during this time but lacking motivation, and lacking the care to stop ruining my own life. I was taking pleasure in causing myself pain and taking away everything that made me happy.

JUNE 2014
I met my boyfriend during this month. Friday the 13th, actually. Everyone considers this a bad day, but in reality it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

After I met my boyfriend, I stopped doing Meth, I stopped self harming as much as I was, and I found something to work towards.
I guess what I am getting at here is that, before I met my boyfriend I really was nothing. I had nowhere to go, wasn't doing well in my life, and I was just heading downwards. He caused me to realize what I had and what I was doing. He has made me want to be a better person, and though we have our issues, I am so thankful for him.
I don't know where I would be right now if he hadn't stepped in and given me a light to see by.
Now every time I hear that song, this is what I think of. I hope it never changes.