The Story

So I finally reregistered myself for school about a week ago. It was stressful to be back in that building with people who knew me almost two years ago. It brings flashbacks for me and it reminds me how behind I am from where I should be. I mean, I know everyone has their own pace, but this is one of the things that really gets to me. I think it always will.
I tried to be in and out of the school, and ended up being unable to make it to work that day. I explained to my instructor that I work full time and that school is going to have to be mostly online so that it doesn't interfere with my work... and he said it was basically fine but that I was required to show up once a week for an hour in that school. I agreed then and there, but needless to say I didn't even go last week.
So far I have only completed one assignment and I was gonna wait to see if it had been graded yet so I could see if I was doing well enough or not. I got the full score on the assignment and since then I just can't stop thinking about how I have to have it finished by April. Doesn't seem so hard, but having already failed once I wonder if I will fail again. And I don't know what I will do if I can't finish it.

I told my manager about registering for school and he switched my schedule. Now I work all through the weekends and the week aside from Wednesday and Thursday. I hope it doesn't end up seeming like a longer week, because right now I just want everything to happen as fast as possible. I haven't actually spoken to anyone recently. Sure, I have some conversations over text, I might send a message or two here, but nobody every really replies back enough for it to be conversation which is why I am writing here. There's so much I want to say, to tell someone, anyone. But there's really nobody here to listen, not that I blame them. I am selfish and all I ever want to do is talk about myself. I would get tired of me too.

On another note, the other day I was working and I saw C. C is basically the fuckboy I was with before I met my bf. If you don't remember, he was the one who told me he couldn't ever love me because his heart belonged to someone else. He also is the one that I was with when I began getting flashbacks. I was basically his booty call, and he was mine. It was so unhealthy and unhappy and I am glad now that I got out of that cycle. However, I saw him at work the other day. He was just standing by the liquor store smoking a cigarette and he looked up and said "so it is you" I just kind of looked away and kept working, and then he proceeded to follow me and ask if I was still upset about what happened between us. I told him it wasn't worth the effort to hold a grudge but that if I were to stop and talk to him I would get bitched at my manager. He said he understood, but then I watched him go sit in the lobby for about 5 hours. Doing what, I don't know. But I know he was there, and I guessed right when I said he would be back. He came back yesterday, and I just ran away and made sure he wouldn't see me working that day. I don't know what to feel about it. Because now he knows I work there, which is just one more thing I have to deal with.

Today is my only day off, but my boyfriend has to work. I feel so fucking lonely all the fucking time, and I just want it to go away.
I don't even fit in with other fuckups like me, because they don't even want to talk to me. I wish I understood why it is so hard to communicate. It isn't for lack of trying on my part, but nobody ever responds. Maybe I am just not interesting, because I have tried literally everything I can think of to try to make at least one friend, and I have none.
I have worked at my job for months now, and still I barely say anything to my coworkers that doesn't have to do with work. Even the ones that are my age. I thought I had made a friend, but now I see that it was only temporary because, like everyone else, she never responds to my texts anymore or wants to hang out. It can't be them. It has to be me.
So what am I meant to do?

I broke my epen yesterday at work, it fell out of my back pocket and hit the pavement just right. It shattered the glass of the tank, but luckily that was all that broke. I had a replacement glass that came when I bought the pen, so I was able to fix it.

I have literally done nothing productive today. I was supposed to do school since it's my day off but god I feel so fucking numb today. It's hard to focus, this same assignment is taking me forever. I hate economics.

I found out also that one of my best guy friends, well, like my only friend here is dying, but he refuses to see a doctor because he doesn't have insurance. How rediculous is that? I mean, I get it but at some point you have to say fuck it and deal with it anyways. When he told me that I burst out crying, which my dad then opened the bathroom door not knowing I was in there and asked if I wanted food. When I said no, he just shut the door and left. I mean, it didn't even make him blink to see me sitting on the floor crying in the bathroom. Alright.
Just more proof that I mean nothing to nobody.

I might try to take a nap honestly, I don't want to exist anymore and no matter what I do it sucks. I am tired. Just tired.
I don't even know where I was going with this post, or why I write here. It's just empty words on a screen.
The story of my pathetic life.