Update and Sick

I've been battling a cold or something as of late. I mean it's been 4 or 5 days now. The first two days weren't so bad, I still had a little bit of an appetite and definitely had energy. But these last couple days have been rough. I had body aches, a fever, a runny nose, a horrible boddy shaking cough and it sucked. I mean, I still have those symptoms now... but I wasn't able to sleep because of the pain. I woke up yesterday morning around 2am crying because it hurt so much. I was taking DayQuil, NightQuil, Sudafed, and Ibuprofeun. But someone mentioned to me that if you take DayQuil and Sudafed together they can make you sicker. So I quit that immediately.
I haven't had an appetite since then either. Right now I am 80-some odd hours into a fast and the longer I go the more I don't want to stop. Along with that though, I also have been losing weight. I'm now close to my LW... and I don't even know what to think.
The first day I called in sick they said I wasn't allowed to because of the snow (it was only like 1-2 in) and I would get written up if I refused to show up. I basically told my manager to fuck off and writr me up if she wants but that I wasn't coming in. Tye day after that I had off so when I went in again they asked how I was feeling, and it wasn't good. They had me work an 8hr ahift anyways, and then on my break I told my manager I wasn't feeling good and she tild me to eat soup. I did, and threw it up because my body didn't like it. So I told her that, and she just kinda didn't even say anything. Like... DUDE. I just threw up in your parking lot and that isn't enough reason to send me home? But then she ended up sending me home with only 1hr left of my shift which pissed me off because if Iw as there for 7hrs, I should have just stayed the other hr. But whatever.
Then I called in the day after that because I literally couldn't get out of bed without blacking out, feeling dizzy and weak, and crying from the pain. So I told them to fuck off again.
I finally went in yesterday because I was feeling better, and the first thing they had me do was something that required a lot of physical effort. I ended up unable to breathe gasping for air and customers kept telling me I looked like I was gonna pass out. So I went and talked to one of my managers and she let ke stay inside for the rest of the day... bt I kean the damage was already done. Work was crazy yesterday because of the Bronco game (they sucked ass) and feeling like I did made it worse.
Today I feel kinda better, but I work from 11-7 and I'm not sure what's in store for me when I go in. I hope they don't do to me what they did yesterday and send me to the parking lot.
On another note, I am thinking of trying to transfer to night shift because then I wouldn't have to deal with the bullshit of my managers.... and I would get paid more than the 8.23-9.13 I get paid now. But I would work from roughly 12-10am or 11am if there's a lot to do. And I would be stocking, so pretty much I would be able to listen to music during my shift and they would tell me what to do and then leave me alone for the rest of my shift. It sounds like a good deal... but the only downside is that when I go to work everyone is going to bed and when they go to work I'm getting off. So I guess it would make me feel kind of isolated.
I have to decide soon though, because my chance to transfer is now. If I don't I miss my chance.

Just A Quick Little Rant

So.... this morning when I woke up and weighed myself I had maintained. So instead of doing the sensible yging and fasting, I kind of went on a binge and purge spree. That was the first time I have ever actually purged so many times like that.

I want to smoke weed but I already hid my pipe since I am at work and I can't smoke again until I'm off. Which is at either 9 or 10.
Work is okay. It looks really busy and even now I am just standing in the corner using the wifi so I can vent out my anxiety. I am so angry at myself and want to hurt but that doesn't get me anywhere. I have to actively deal with this.
I tried to get a rockstar zero and ended up getting the wrong one and I kind of wanted to cry in the middle of the store but I couldn't. I hope I can just work away my frustrations.

I'm struggling.

So I'm writing this post and my phone is at 26%. But hopefully I can get all my words out and down in text before my phone dies because right now is the only time I have internet.

The other night I got home from a stressful day at work and the first thing my dad does is lay into me about how my boyfriend and I need to budget our money better, and how we only gave him $300 for rent. I argued, saying we gave him another $20 but he refused to admit it. It turned into a huge fight where I basically asked my dad if ue wanted me to give him my entire check every time I get one. He took it the wrong way and started saying some shit. I kind of think I may have dissociated because I can't remember what happened exactly, I only remember myself saying certain things.
I explained to my dad that I was making 8.23/hr and that equated to jack shit and he didn't believe me.
At one point I flipped out and went to smoke a cigarette and my dad told me to smoke it inside so he could yell at me. I left and haven't talked to him since.

I lost 3 more lbs in 2 days.... and I plan to lose more. I have tomorrow off and I totally fogot my apartments have a gym. So tomorrow that's what I will spend my day doing. Fatty needs to move. I fasted today and felt really sick at the end of my 4.5 hr shift.
I get my paycheck tomorrow and I honestly want to go buy a gram of weed or something and just smoke. I need to get out of my head.

I still have no drivers liscence which means I rely on my bf to give me rides to work or I walk the 10 miles each way. And now he wants to transfer back to his old job working from 4pm to 1am.... and if he does that I'm fucked. I'm scared to tell him that I don't want him to transfer because I need rides... I'm pathetic.

Also, my boyfriend doesn't know that after the last time he knew I cut about 2 months ago.... I have relapsed twice. The first time I carved 'fat' into my hipbone and I managed to hide it until it healed. The second time was just the other night when I fought with my dad and that cut was deeper than I meant it to be. I am hiding that too.

Tomorrow I plan to take $15 out of my check to pay for laxies so I can finally start losing weight again. Not that it matters. I will always be fat. But I'm spebding the day at the gym too, so maybe I can burn some cals.

As for Piggy, yes! I have blue hair now! I will post a photo if I can find one. I also dyed my hair 'electric lizard' before I went blue. It was brighter than a neon green and was a terrible idea. I think I'm sticking with the blue. Maybe a purple.

OPINIONS? As I mentioned before.. I was posting some photos to Instagram. I want to delete my account without losing my captions... so would anyone read or be bothered if I did?

Untitled

Well, hi.

Today is Halloween! Not that I ever really celebrate it much. I guess I have never really been social enough to have friends to "party" with. So today I worked. It was suuuuper busy. I mean, keep in mind that I never go to stores on holidays. Never needed to, but today I was there.
And damn. I mean, I was in the parking lot for one hour today, and I almost got hit 3 times for people's ignorance. I mean... and plus I was collecting carts. People would put their carts in-between cars when they saw me coming. It irritated me. But I got through it, and hopefully tomorrow won't be so crazy.

My new apartment is okay. My dad has been starting fights with me over petty shit, such as not knowing why my boyfriend decided to wear a certain jacket on a certain day. Like dude, I am not a mind reader. And then he claimed it was because he wanted to get to know my boyfriend. I told him that if he wanted to get to know A, he should ask him instead of me. He didn't like that.
Also, I work about 10 miles from where I live, and I can't transfer until after 30 days (although I don't know about transferring anymore). I asked my dad to come pick me up ONE time, and as soon as he did he blew up on me saying that i need to get my drivers lisence and a bunch of other stuff like how gas isn't free and I never offer gas money.
It's like he forgets I spent the last two months sleeping in my boyfriends car with no money whatsoever. I couldn't even afford food. Now that I have this apartment, I thought things would get easier. But they arent.
My dad claims that when we signed the lease, we agred to split the rent of $1390/month three ways. I don't think we did, because the other night he brought up the fact that rent is due and when I calculated the numbers.... it meant we would pay $900/month and my dad would pay $450. Does that seem fair?
I mean, my dad occupies a bedroom, a bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen at our apartment. My boyfriend and I occupy a bathroom, a bedroom, a living room, and a kitchen. So how the hell does it make sense for me to pay 2X the amount of rent he is for the same amount of space?
It doesn't. Especially when you consider my situation.
Even working 36-40 hours a week obly brings me $150/week, so $450/month for food, rent, and gas/bus money to and from work. My boyfriend makes anywhere from $400-$700 every two weeks. So realistically, I can't pay $450 in rent uless I plan to starve and not make it to work.
But my dad still refuses to agree to pay half, which would be $700 even for both of us.
I owe $800 to my bank. My dad wants me to get a drivers liscence, a car, and insurance. My grandma wants me to pay $200 for school to get my diploma. My boyfriend wants to see me eat and not self harm.
It's FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
No matter how much I work I will never get paid enough to afford my own rent, without relying on my boyfriend.
I have recently taken to punching things. I makes me feel a lot better and helps me relieve some anger. And the fact that I get paid jack shit makes me want to hit something real bad.

Otherwise, I'm losing weight again. I told my boyfriend that my goal was to lose 20 lbs (jokingly) and he didn't disagree. So that means I am fat and I deserve to lose weight. The proof is in the photo.

But this is all a jumble of all the shit in my head. If it makes any sense at all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

Another 3 Months

Well, it's been about 3 months since I last wrote here. I had taken to Instagram for a while, using that as my blog hoping I could find some more support there. It lasted shortly, before I began realizing that nobody cared about me in general. It got to the point that I was becoming resentful there towards some people who claimed that they were my "friends". So I am basically getting rid of that platform, and returning to blogger.

While I was living at M and S's we began to have a problem with bed bugs. My boyfriend and I were trying to treat them and M and S didn't want us to. About a month passed of my boyfriend and I sleeping in his car, before we said enough and tried to treat them behind their backs. That ended up blowing up in our faces, and I got kicked out while my boyfriend was at work. During one of the better periods of living there, I had realized that I had the collection book my grandpa had for me. I also realized that some of the uncirculated gold dollars were missing from my book, and I tried to fix it. My roommates offered to help, and I accepted. When they kicked us out they ended up saying that they had never seen the coins and they stole two of them from me. Talk about a low blow. That was literally the last thing that I had from my grandpa, and the closest thing to my heart. They just stole it without a second thought. I went through a lot of arguments with them over trying to get them back, and I have been homeless ever since.

After that fell through and I started living in my boyfriends car, all I had was my job. I wasn't doing hard work and I was getting paid $10/hr for that. But I was a new hire and I guess I fucked up (I don't wanna go into detail) and got fired after only working there for a few months. I was pretty upset, because I actually liked that job.
I was trying to find an apartment with my bf during this time too, but the rent here is rediculously high. We never would have been able to get a place on our own, and it's getting pretty cold here.
Luckily at the last minute my dad helped us get a place which is $1390/month (see what I mean by high rent?) and I am really hoping this works out.

As for a job, after I lost my last one I applied at a grocery store and had to pass a drug test. I had applied once before and they didn't hire me because I failed their test. But this time I somehow managed to pass it, and it is such a good opportunity. I get paid weekly, they started me at 42 hours on my first week, 32.75 my second week, and there is room to move up and get raises.

The flip side? My position right now requires a lot of physical effort which burns calories and I have been fasting every day that I work. I know I am losing weight. When I started this blog I weighed 180lbs (size 16) and now I weigh ?lbs and am a size 4. But even those are getting loose.
As my life is starting to get better my mental health is getting worse. But I don't even care, so long as people think I am happy and everything stays going good.

I still get random bouts of wishing I was dead, as well as still having blades. I recently started abusing laxatives again, and although I haven't weighed myself recently I know I am losing weight.

My boyfriend and I are doing good, I love him. I need to quit smoking, but right now is not the time.
Anyways. I should be more active. I redownloaded the blogger app so I can update more.
Would you comment if you're still reading?

Well, I'm Back.. I Think

Heya.
It's been a long time since I have written here. I wonder if anyone still reads this, and if you do, can you please comment? It doesn't have to relate to what I am writing, but anything. I just want to know if anyone is there.

I feel like a completely different person, like my life has been turned upside down.
Let me start at the beginning. During March and April my grandfather (who I really consider to be my father in every aspect that matters) got really sick. They thought it was pneumonia, so they began treating him for that. When it didn't get better, they started giving him more and more tests. In April, they finally got around to diagnosing him with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. That was a big blow to our family, because my grandpa never had been a smoker of any kind. He was always active, taking care of his health. They were going to start my grandpa on chemo, but he didn't want that because they told him that the pain would only get worse. They weren't even sure the chemo would work, either. They gave him morphine for the pain, which worked for a while. He wasn't able to eat or drink anything without throwing up, so he lost about 40 lbs in that short time. It was so hard to see.... But on April 27th, we rushed my grandpa to the hospital because during the evening, he had become unresponsive. He wasn't able to talk, or to squeeze hands, or anything. When they took him to the hospital, they sedated him for the pain only to find out that the cancer had spread to his brain and that at that point operating wouldn't even work. They told us that he only had a few days, a week at most. The night after that, they took him of the ventilator that was breathing for him, and we brought him home so he could pass on in peace surrounded by his family.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. So to remember him, I went and got "Grump-a-lumps" tattooed over my heart with his birth date and his death date. I also got a little vial that you can seal to keep ashes in. Which may be selfish, but god. I just can't let him go.

Right after my grandpa's passing, my grandma had to sell her house because her retirement wasn't enough to pay the house payment, which meant that everyone she was letting stay with her had to find another place to live too. Luckily, my boyfriend had a friend that was looking for roommates, so here I am. She ended up moving out of state though, and isn't sure when she will be back. We pay pretty good rent, and I like the people that live here for the most part.
Not that long after moving here though, I lost my job. It wasn't entirely my fault to begin with, but then it definitely turned into my fault. I started applying to different jobs so that I could be able to pay my rent and I got a job at a restaurant that is just like my last job, but they have their differences. I thought it would be a good job because I kind of already knew the ropes. Oh, how wrong I was.
They suck at training. I worked for a total of three days, and in those three days I left work twice in tears because of how much anxiety it caused me and how it was effecting me. It got to the point that I couldn't eat without throwing up from stress, I couldn't sleep, and just the thought of going to that place again to work would make me break down in tears and start shaking. It took a toll on my ED and I started losing a bunch of weight. So.... I haven't been there in like a week. I haven't called to ask when I was supposed to work, and they haven't called me either. I don't know what to think, and I honestly try to avoid it because I just feel like shit for making the shitty choices that I have, but at the same time.... it's already done. What can I do? So now I am looking for a job AGAIN, while trying to not let the guilt of being a burden tear me apart.

In my house, there is the main couple M and S, and their three kids. Then there's another couple, R and E, and one more single male, J. Plus my boyfriend and I. But their house is definitely big enough for everyone, and I have my own door to the outside if I ever don't want to go out the front door. All of my roommates are weed friendly, which is good. They aren't super strict about smoking cigarettes either, which is nice. This is the perfect place to live, if I could just get my shit together and make it work.
Buuut on the flipside, living here is feeding into my Eating Disorder because there is a gym like 10 minutes from my house, and with so many people living here, nobody really notices if I eat or not.

This morning I woke up super early though (around 5am) because I wasn't able to sleep and my body felt weird.
It's now almost noon and the weird feeling isn't going away. It feels like when I used to do meth. Because meth absolutely kills your appetite, and it used to feel like my body wanted to throw up at the smell of food and wasn't even remotely hungry. That is how I feel today. Like even a sip of juice, I can't do. I managed to make myself take a sip of water, but it's just weird because I have never felt like this while fasting unless I was on meth. But I'm not this time. When I stand up my head gets super fuzzy and warm. Almost like I'm gonna pass out, but I'm alright. I don't want to eat.... even if I do pass out. I don't deserve it.

Last night I was talking to my roommate and she seems to have the same problem I have of taking a few bites of food and then feeling full or sick despite knowing you didn't eat that much. But I overheard her tell her husband "I can't let this shit go on much longer or else I will become Anorexic and won't want to eat anything". This was massively triggering to me because my roommate says she is 6' even, but my boyfriend is 6'. I am 5'8, and she is pretty damn close to my height. She weighs more than I do (cuz she's had two kids!) but that's why it irks me when she makes comments about being Anorexic. I don't think she meant to be hurtful, but it was super triggering.

My boyfriend and I are doing good for the most part. I have been struggling recently, and I don't feel like I can talk to my boyfriend because there's so much that he doesn't understand. There's so much I wish he could understand. But as long as I keep my problems out of our relationship, we're great. We have officially been together for 1 year, 1 month, and 2 days. Haha of course I would do that.

Other than that, I am just trying to survive. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor to try to get anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants because I think they could help me. I definitely need help, I just have to figure out my insurance before I can do that that stuff, which hopefully will be soon.

I officially have no friends. My best friend of 8 years got angry with me that I didn't come visit her in the hospital when she was sick right after my grandpa passed away. But while she was in the hospital, I was going the hospital for strep throat and not being able to breathe.... AND the hospital my best friend was staying at is the very same hospital my grandpa was at less than a week before, so of course I am not going to want to go back there. She claimed that my boyfriend made her boyfriend do drugs and stupid shit like that. She didn't like it much when I pointed out that my boyfriend is 21 and hers is 20, meaning they are both grown men who are capable of making their own choices. Nobody peer pressured anyone. So our friendship ended over such stupid shit like that. But maybe I am better off without her.

So that's my update. It's been a crazy 2 months, but at the same time it still doesn't feel real that my grandpa isn't here anymore. I see him everywhere. In people's laughs, driving down the road, in the smart ass comebacks that I retort to people that he used to say to me. Sometimes it still takes the breath out of me and brings me to tears, but people say it gets easier.

Hiya

Well Hi.
I'm sorry for just disappearing, for not updating. If anyone still reads this. I don't want to become another "ghost" blog.

So an update?
I almost finished my first class for school, and registered for my 2nd class. Found out both have to be completed by May 5. So now I am super anxious about that.
I have been working pretty much every day. And along with that, I have been avoiding pretty much everyone. I haven't hung out with my best friend in like 2 wewks because she is naturally tiny and it's so trigering to me.
I'm stuck in a pity party.
I wish I was dead. I'm taking laxies tonight even though I work tomorrow morning because I am desperate. I need to lose weight.

I got drunk with my bf the other day. It was wonderful. Not doing much else but trying to survive. I really wanna dye my hair again.

Honestly, I am more active on Instagram right now.... ao if you want you can follow me at last_day_to_live (:

Venting

So, can I be honest here?

When my boyfriend isn't around, I struggle more to fight the thoughts to self harm. I find it hard not to find reasons to do it, or excises to make after I do it. I can't remember why I quit, and I keep telling myself 'just once' which is NEVER how it is going to be. Yet somehow I manage to convince myself that I can, and that somehow it will be alright.
I try to convince myself that my boyfriend will forgive me, although I don't know if he would.

Everything seems to evoke the urge to cause myself pain....
When I am at work, if someone tells me that I am being too slow, or not doing something right, or really anything that is considered "constructive criticism", on the outside I take it well, smile and nod, and comply. But what really happens inside my mind and inside my shell? I immediately start criticizing myself twice as much as whoever was to begin with. I get irritated, and I get an overwhelming sense to run. I get such an urge to go home and find a blade that usually I will "accidentally" fall into things at work. I will "accidentally" hit my hand/wrist/shoulder on walls, or shut them in doors, or do many things that just cause me pain, even if only temporary. I starve. I make sure I exercise in small ways when I am at work, so that I know I am burning more calories than I usually would.
If I am at home, and my boyfriend triggers me unknowingly, or says something that I don't take well, I simply turn it inwards. I tear myself down in every way possible because I get so mad about these things. By the time I am done, I am either wishing I was dead or wishing I had a blade.
Cutting is very much still a part of my life. Burning isn't as much as it used to be, but I still wish I could do it sometimes when I don't have access to a blade.
When someone tells me how ugly my scars are, or my boyfriend does, I just stay silent. It makes me want to cry, but I don't say a goddamn word.
Why?

Why do I never speak up for myself when it really matters and tears me down, but I will be the most outspoken person and sure as hell speak up when it's about things that aren't personal.
Why do I never let someone know that I am hurting?

There is a blade sitting in my room, right now.
All I can do is stare at it and will myself not to get up and get it. I can find temporary distractions, but even as I am typing this blog post I know that it is there. I know that it's so easy to reach, and that I have perfect circumstances to do it.
I don't know where the blade came from, and I don't know if it's sanitary. But I keep reciting to msyelf ways to sterilize it so that I can use it. And if that fails, I know I have a knife.
When my boyfriend is around and I know that I can't pick up a blade or do anything he considers "suspicious" I simply bottle everything up. I know that I can't make him understand what I am going through, why it isn't so easy to "just" find a distraction. Why it isn't easy to "just" not feel suicidal or to "just" stop.  I find it quite hard to talk to him about these things, and that combined with my fear of losing him just makes me suicidal.
I wish I was dead, wish nobody every knew I existed.

School is such a big trigger for me too. I don't want to sit down and do school because that allows for the negative thoughts to find a home in my head once again. I know they are always there, and that it doesn't really make a difference.... but I feel like if I go fast enough and have enough on my mind and do enough things at once, I can keep the thoughts away. Oh, how easy it is to lie to myself.

I want to just sleep all the time. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I think about quitting my job every day so that I can just do that. But somehow I never do.
These things are taking a toll on me, and making me feel batshit crazy. Either way I lose. If I cut, I lose. If I don't, I lose. I don't even give a fuck which of the consequences is worse. I just want to cut.

I talked to my boyfriend a little the other day, in the brief hour he saw me in shorts. I started telling him how fat I felt, and how I saw myself as a whale. I told him how the fat on my thighs makes me want to die, and now I hate everything about myself. He mentioned going on a healthier diet with me and going to the gym.... but then not even 2 hours later he was getting Dairy Queen. I got some too, of course. Because I guess I just love to hate myself. He told me that the fat and jiggle on my thighs was "sexy". He told me he didn't want me getting too tiny. I could only look at him. How in the hell could you think I am sexy when I look like shamu?! It kind of made me want to cry, because I am so far from what he sees, and eventually he will realize it.  I am waiting for that relapse.

I don't know what the point of typing all of that out is, because it doesn't matter. Everything will stay the same, and I will just keep dealing and sucking it up until I can't suck any more. I will isolate if that's what it takes.
But it's just to wait until I start falling down again. It's only inevitable. How could I ever get better from this "half life"?? I don't even know that I want to.
Most days a small tiny part of my brain wishes that my bf would just realize that I am not good enough for him., and leave me. Because that will be the trigger for my relapse, and  I know it is coming. I can feel a relapse coming, and I don't know what that means for me.

Anyways, enough rambling from my thoughts for now.

Tuesday, March 17

I opened at my work today, meaning I was there at 5am. That's early for me, but even earlier when I don't sleep well.
Which is most days.

I was hoping work would be good, because lately I have been kind of dreading showing up for my shifts there. It's just the people, they tend to put me with people who don't work well with me rather than those that do.

They did however put me with good people today and therefore work wasn't too bad.
Tomorrow I work at 11am.

Depression has been kicking my ass. There isn't anyone I am motivated to hang out with or see besides my boyfriend, and I know that's dumb. It's not that hard........ except it is.

Still no progress in school.
I almost slipped up and cut yesterday, and then I told my boyfriend I needed him today, only for him to get called into work a half hour after I got off work. So now I can either spend the next 6 hours alone, or I can go chill with my best friend.

Ive been smoking cigarettes too, again. Quitting isn't going well, but only because I want to starve, and when I starve I cope with cigarettes.

It's finally getting warm here, and I decided to put on shorts one day when i knew the only person I would be seeing is my boyfriend.
A lot of the scars on my legs are really prevalent still, and they look pretty nasty. It's triggering for me to look at my legs because I miss cutting so fucking much, but yet everyone around me tells me that they can't stand seeing the 'old' scars on my legs. My grandma took one look at me, and then closed her eyes and started crying. Before I could say anything, she shook her head and said 'your legs....'.

That was triggering to me. I haven't eaten very much since then.
I just wish everything would stop.
I wish I could stop this ride for a while and just disappear. Come back when I wanted.
But I can't.

As for moving out, my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting our own place, with different roommates. But to do that, we would have to meet a lot more qualifications than what we would have to meet if we moved in with my best friends boyfriend. It's such a stressful situation, and I don't think I am handling it very well. But whatever.

Anyways, that's my update. I still haven't weighed, because I know I am a fat fucking whale, but eventually I will have to face the music.

Thank you

I just want to say a big thank you to Bella, Cursium, and Melanie for commenting on my last post.

I feel like people say this a lot, but it really means a lot to me. A lot of the time, I don't bother to voice my thoughts because I don't believe I'm  heard.
But it's nice to know that there are still people who care what I have to write, and who are sticking around because they want to.
It's nice to know that someone finds me interesting.
So just, thank you. Xx

...

Does anyone actually read this?
Does anyone actually care?
Or is it just me?
Is there a point to this?

An update?
I paid off both of my loans, and now am free of them.
I am thinking of moving in with my best friend and her boyfriend and my boyfriend so that I can be own my own.
However, I have the necessary $600, but I don't know if they will.
I have been working like mad. Close to 40 hours a week.
Buuuut all my money is going to shit. I don't have enough.
I still haven't done any school. The difference now is that I am lying and saying that I am making progress when I am not.
I'm pretty sure I am maintaining, but I won't weigh myself because I am depressed enough already.

I'm alone.
I have my boyfriend, but only to an extent. I am really alone in the worst way.
I feel so guilty. So sorry, for everything I do. I'm not worth it.
I have work at 5am tomorrow, and they just makes me want to cry. I don't want to go.
But I have to.

Does anyone actually care enough to read this? Is anyone there?

I Promise

I'm still around.
I haven't been blogging much, because I honestly don't know what to say.

The battery in my scale died, so I can't weigh myself.
I finally got close to 40 hours on a pacheck so I can pay off my loans and get back on track.
I have quit smoking cigarettes, for the most part. Trying to stay at 1 a day.
I'm back in starving mode, I don't wanna eat at all and if I do I exercise ot off x2.
Still no progress with school.
Still no progress with my mood.

But I'm still here.

Falling Too Hard, Too Fast

I don't know why I woke up this way.
I can't identify what is triggering me.
But I want to pick up my blade.

I have ceased to make progress with everything. My life, school, my relationships with people.
Or at least that's what it feels like.

I cracked the screen of my phone yesterday, and I am beyond pissed. It doesn't look that bad, but it's the kind of break that keeps cracking more.

Money is a big stress for me. I need be responsible. I'm doing my best, but I always need to be better. There's just so many things to do 'right' and I'm scared I'll fail.

I feel skinny today, despite being on my period. But I don't deserve too feel skinny when I am so fat.
I honestly haven't got any idea what to do with myself. I just want to lay in bed and cry.
Depression it's so hard to deal with, And most of the time it doesn't feel real. I wish my boyfriend could understand that.
He has been telling me that my personal hygiene sucks, in several different ways. I know it does, too.
But I just can't make myself shower regularly, our brush my hair all the time, because..... just because. I feel like I am being crushed by a weight that won't let up, but I can't say anything or ask for help because there is nothing going on in my life to warrant these feelings.

I should be happy.
I should be.
But I'm not.
And I hate myself for it.

At least if I cut, then I can deal with my pain and sadness on my own. Nobody has to understand.

What A Day

My birthday was amazing.
I spent the morning with my best friend since my bf had to work, and she bought me a doughnut and stuck 19 candles in it. It was the most unique and creative thing. And it made me really happy.
She also gave me flowers, since she knows yellow is my favorite color.
Then I went dinner with my family, which was nice. I enjoyed myself. (:

Today I woke up with the intent to go see my brother in prison. However my alarm didn't go off, and I woke up right as I was supposed to be there. My best friend needed me to help her get to school, so i did that, got home only to leave again with my grandma to go shopping for my bday.
I got a shirt and a pair of pants. I can now fit into a 7, when I used to have to squeeze into a 15. It's kinda crazy.
Adter I went shopping I was in a rush to make it to prison, since I wanted to visit my brother. It ended up being an ordeal to get in there cuz they wouldn't let me wear the shirt I had on, nor were they gonna let me wear the shoes I had on. Neither were particularly special, but prison is very particular about how things are done. Oh, and in the middle of my visit with my brother, my monthly visitor decided to show up and I was so unprepared... ugh.
After I got in there, I had a good visit with my brother. But too soon I had to leave to go to work.

Work was... work. We weren't too busy because it was Valentine's Day.... but we had enough people. That was a really long ass shift, and I was so ready to go home. But I have to work from 10am to 2pm tomorrow, and I am so unexcited.

It's after midnight now, and I need to be sleeping. But for as tired as I am, I can't fucking sleep.
Which figures, right? Of. Course.

Today has been quite the day. I'm glad it's over, but tomorrow is gonna be just as crazy.
Aye.

Weigh In

4 days ago on February 8, I weighed 152.6...
4 days later, I weigh 150.6...
So thats a loss of 2 lbs in 4 days. But it still isn't enough.
I need to keep going. I need to be beautiful.

So, lucky me.
I get today and tomorrow off of work, although i have to work the rest of the week. I don't mind necessarily, because I need the money. But I'm so tired.
With that being said, two days ago I worked from 2pm-12:30am and then yesterday morning I worked from 7am-2pm. Didn't sleep mch last night, and now I am up at 5:30am on my day off. _-_

I need to weigh myself, but I am terrified that I will have gained weight. I already feel my BDD today, I don't want the scale to prove it.

I don't have any plans for today, nor do i really have any plans for tomorrow either. I am probably the only person ever who is that lame on their birthday. I don't even have money. I'm absolutely broke until I get paid in a week. #Adultlife

I want to cut so bad today... I woke up today and my bf said "yor breath makes me wanna throw up" and started coughing all crazy. I get so insecure when someone tells me I stink or my breath stinks, or anything.  I have tried brushing my teeth almost constantly, though it doesn't help.... apparently my breath still stinks. I did some research to try to find out WHY and all I got was that when you starve, your breath can stink because of your starving organs. I don't know... but it's all I have. Still. I want my blade.
How pathetic am I?

FatFATFAT!!

I weighed myself this morning, and I had lost over a pound.
I haven't yet eaten anything today, nor have I really let myself drink anything either.

I am starving and my body is hungry.
But all I see is fat. Fat covering everything. All I want to do is curl up in bed and hide from the world.
Hide my atrocious body from them, so as to not hurt their eyes.

I want to stop being fat.

So, I fucking suck.
Today's weigh in is 152.6...
At the beginning of January, I was 148.8, and in November I was 150.

FATTY MCFATTERSON

I wanted to be skinny for my birthday, 5 days away. It's so not gonna happen, and there is no goal that I can set that will make me happy. I'm just a whale. I always will be.

I have to work in less than an hour and a half and I am kinda freaking out.
I have really been craving Meth recently, and I actually don't even know what to do about it. It started at work yesterday, and has just kinda spiraled from there.

I ate when I got off work last night, but am hungry now and if I don't eat now I won't be able to eat until I get off work at 11. I think I should make today a fasting day....
My boyfriend is donating plasma right now, and he has been in there for a while. I am really fucking hoping he gets out aoon so he can give me a ride to work because I am kind of far away right now. But I just feel rushed for time, and not excited to go to work at all. I really want a minute to breathe... but I don't feel like I have it. I don't have to work tomorrow, but I should be doing school and aye.

I have been kind of slacking on school recently. I did some, and these past few days I haven't done shit. Usually when I get off work I am too tired to do anything other than go straight to bed.
I guess it doesn't help that my compuyer just randomly started crashing... and I haven't had the time to get it fixed either. This is exactly what I was afraid of, not having enough time for anything.
I really want a day off of everything. A few days actually. I guess it will be better when i get paid, because then at least I have money. But even then, I don't get to stop.
Hence why I wish I had some up..

It's 1:30pm now and I have no way of knowing when my bf will be coming back out from donating plasma.... so i don't know if I should call my grandpa to come get me, or if I should just wait. I really don't want to call my grandpa.... and I really don't want to go to fucking work!

Aye.

Untitled

I'm hanging out at my best friend's house right now, with her boyfriend, his roommate, and my boyfriend.
For lack of things to do, my boyfriend decided to go try to ride a long board since he has never tried. So we all went because I happen to enjoy it too. But they all took off on boads and I didnt have one. And they kept riding, while I was just standing on the edge of the parking lot. Eventually I started to feel like shit, like I was being left out. So I went back inside and when I came back out they were nowhere to be found. So I got kinda pissed... Eventually they all came back, and just in time to go leave to go pick up my best friend from work! They are talking about wanting to ride later, and after I brought it up to my boyfriend he invited me along.
But if I go, then my best friend will be left alone and I can't do that to her. I actually feel pretty childish. Like a little kid who can't play with the popular kids.
It's pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I've fasted so far today, but now that I'm with my best friend, chances are she will get food and guilt me into eating. At least I can eat something low cal, AND I know I can burn it off. I didn't weigh today... but if I feel good enough, I will tomorrow.