Update

Well, I just totaled my cals for the day... And it's not even dinner yet.

I'm regretting seeing that number, so much. I wish I hadn't calculated them, but at the same time I had to know.

I took around 7 laxies, so I really hope I don't gain tomorrow. I'll probably take some more after dinner.

In May, my family is going out of state for my cousins graduation, and they want me to go with. I honestly don't know if I want to.

Here's the pros and cons.

Pro's:

- it'll be fun, and I'll get to see my family.

- it'll be much warmer than it is here.

- it'll be a fun road trip with my family.

- perfect chance to meet hot guys, now that I'm single.. (;

Con's:

- if I go, I have to massively tan before I go. They can't see my scars.

- ill have to get a pair of swimming trunks so that I can hide the majority of my scars.

- Cant wear shorts, must wear leggings or pants

- I'm fat, and I don't want them to see how fat I've gotten.

- Eartng at least 2/3 times a day (my family is made of people who love food and love to eat)

So... Right now there are a lot more cons than there are pros. I've got some tanning lotion though, and I'm going to start using it to see if it helps. Maybe if I start now, 2 months will be good enough. Long enough to at least hide most of my scars. I know that some of the more "purple" ones and the deeper ones won't fade, and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. 

Though about a year ago, my youngest cousin had a go at cutting. I wouldn't have known this, but my family is full of gossipers. So everyone knew he was doing it. They made such a big deal out of it and I know it wasn't helpful to him. But my scars are much worse than his are, and probably in a greater number. I couldn't face them if they saw them, I couldn't imagine how they'd react.

So my options are to either tan them away as much a possible and deal with that loss, or don't go at all. I guess I'll see how much weight I can lose before them too.

Speaking of which, I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I think I'm going to make it a soup- type fast. Like, one day I'll eat chicken noodle soup broth only, and the next day eat just the 190 cals of soup. It's going to be a very restrictive fast, and I've also got to worry about school.

I just wish it was over already.

I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow and start tracking my weightloss. Since I don't have another person to work with, I'm going to just have to compete with myself and use my blog.

So that should be coming up.

It's been kind of nice here, with the sun shining. It would be nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sun, but I'm much too cold for that. I have not been able to stay warm recently. It kind of sucks. But I guess that's just something I'm gonna deal with. I hope this weather stays, and that it doesn't decide to recede into winter again. 

Well, that's pretty much all I've got to update right now. Have a lovely day. Xx