Eating Disordered

I feel like my mood and my life is eating disordered. When I gain or plateau, I feel like shit, tend to have more anxiety... I tend to feel shittier. When I lose I feel a lot happier, like I am strong and can face the world and it's criticisms for the most part.

I think my scale is broken, because I woke up this morning and weighed and bodychecked as usual. According to my scale I lost just under 2 lbs from yesterday morning. According to my bodychecks, I have gained a bit of weight since yesterday.
Anyways, I posted a bodycheck to my IG account and two people immediately commented with something along the lines of "You are so small" or "I'm worried" and honestly I felt good for a second and then I started to feel shitty because I'm so fat. There is no reason whatsoever that they should worry about me. I mean, I know I am nowhere near my highest weight... but I also know that even at this weight I qualify as "healthy". So my ribs show a little. It is still covered by inches and bubbles and blobs of fat! I need to lose about another 20 lbs. Maybe then I won't wobble, jiggle, or look like a whale.

I went to the mall earlier with my aunt and her girlfriend and her kid and I thought it would be fun, if not a good reason to exercise. But it ended up being so claustrophobic and I got so lightheaded and my vision started to fade so I had to sit down twice. After that they went to get food and when I refused to eat they got me a soda. Not even diet. I drank some of it and now I feel so guilty. Then she wanted me to have a piece of candy. Which I ended up doing and now we're going shopping again so hopefully I can burn more than enough cals to cover it. I am so anxious. I am not sleeping well, but at least I'm losing weight.

A friend of mine wants to meet up, and I haven't hung out with anyone in so long. I don't really hold many conversations and I feel slightly sick with anxiety over a possible meetup. What if she thinks I'm fat? Or that I haven't lost enough weight from my "eating disordered" habits. Mostly I'm sure she will think I'm fat. A big joke. Which I am, but it's easier when it comes from strangers. Not so easy when I know the person and actually care about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see her... I just need to lose a bit more weight first. Anyways, enough of that rant.

My dad and I are fighting again. He is angry that I haven't gone to get my driver's license yet, but I mean I don't have money between paying for rent and food and gas for other people. He claims that's just an excuse, but he would rip me a new asshole if I told him I was scared. I'm slightly scared to get my drivers license and be responsible in that way right now. But oh well, it's nothing new to hear him yell at me.

Otherwise I don't really have much else to say. I'm just living. Working as much as they will let me to stay busy and keep my mind off thinking. My jobs going good for the most part. I am still waiting to get my raise, but I suppose it will come eventually.