Two Sides Of The Same Coin

I suppose that it is true.
True that misery loves company.
I feel like there are two different people living inside of me.
Not me and Ana.
Me and me.
Another version of me.

One who depends on people. One who doesn't need anyone.
One who wants to see people in my position recover. One who doesn't want to be left alone.
One who hates people. One who just wants to be cared about.

I feel like there is always something wrong with me. I am such a pessimist. I can see that, in myself. But if anyone else says it, I disagree.
I am working on ways to change that.

Ways to change my outlook on everything.
Ways to not be so open with people.
Ways to reach my goals.

I don't understand it.
But i'm working on it.

When did my mind become my own worst enemy? The most confusing thing? Not understandable? When did I lose myself?
Or have I only thought this when it isn't true?

Back In Control

It's funny how my mind works. Or how I work, I suppose.

On one hand, I want to be around people, and have a best friend that I can laugh with and smile with. A best friend that will do crazy things with me, and who I can trust.

On the other hand, I really don't need one. I'm perfectly fine on my own, so why change it? Why let someone in who can only end up hurting me in the end? Why let them in when all I will do is hurt them?

So I don't.

Maybe it's just the mood of going on vacation in a week. But I feel in control. For once.
I feel like I have the power to make myself skinny, lose weight, and keep it that way.
Even last night, when I ate a lot more than I should have, it didn't feel like a binge. And I didn't entirely freak out as such. Sure, I wanted to cut, and scream, and self destruct. Instead, I took control, and took a shower, cleaned my room, and made a plan for today.
Control feels amazing.

I'm generally in a happyish mood. I don't feel negative, or down, or upset. I don't feel super happy, invincible, or like I can do anything. I just feel, a little better than okay, I suppose.
Which I'll take any day.

Also, I am totally in love with The Pretty Reckless, and Taylor Momsen. Oh my god. She is amazing, and I love her band. :D :D :D :D :D

She is so perfect...

Again.

Sick again. Got to school and threw up.
Ugh.
What is wrong with me?

So I'm going home, to sleep and not eat.
At least I can fast, and lose more weight.

Always find the bright side! Hope everyone is good! (:

Day 12!!!

SO... Day 12 was supposed to be day 7, and day 14.... Like once every week to track my progress...
But that horribly failed.

So. I weighed myself today.
I have reached a new low weight of 176.5!!!!
That's 1.5 lbs away from my first goal weight!!! :D :D :D

If I can lose 4 lbs in 12 days (without laxatives) then I am pretty sure I could at least lose 6 in 11 days with them..
I am feeling so optimistic right now, I guess lower numbers on the scale do that to you, right?
I know I have a long ass way to go to reach my goal weight of 120 or less, but for right now, I'll take this achievement.

So, no pictures. I thought that I would just post a before and after pic, and regularly post my measurements.
So here they are. Much more accurate than they were last night.

Current weight: 180.1 176.5
Arm: 11 inches (no change)
Thigh: 24 inches 21 inches
Waist: 31 inches (no change)
Wrist: 6.5 inches 6 inches
Hips: 39 inches 38 inches
Calf: 15 inches (no change)

I can so do this. Gahh, I hope my optimism sticks around. I feel so.... I don't know.
A wee part of me is happy, but a much larger part is like "Fuck you. Don't hope. You can't do this. Losing that weight was just a stroke of luck. Give up. You'll never reach it." etc. So... Yes.

I don't know a good way to end this post... So...... Yeah...... (:
Hai.

Random, but excited!!

I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't have the words.
Like I can't even begin to put a sentence together.
I wish someone could read my mind. And just read the things I'm thinking, without me having to say them.
Sometimes it's just hard.

I did get the laxatives yesterday, and they work really well. I feel so much better knowing I have them. It's yet another bad habit I'm indulging in, but hey. I've got so many, what's one more?
I would like to say that I'm weighing myself today, but I don't know.
I need to get a scale of my own, but even that won't happen for a long ass while.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in a good mood. ^_^
I'm at school, and I've already got homework, but I don't mind. This semester is going to be great. I also started my college class today. I'm a bit intimidated by the teacher, and the class. But I will hope for the best.
For once, I don't feel completely negative about it. That's the one thing I hate most about myself, is how negative I can be.
So I'm trying to change it.

I need to stay motivated. So here's my motivation. And some more, but of a different sort.

I can't wait!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D 11 days!!!

Scared to hope

So this is kinda stupid... but I took my measurements in a kinda sketchy way. I compared them to my measurements from day 1, and some have gone down. I'm scared to hope though. Scared to want. To get optimistic about it.

I am having a hell of a time getting any free time to weigh myself and take my measurements  One of these days it will happen. I guess.

Never changes.

You think you have friends.

People who support you and who you can rely on.
But as soon as you get comfortable, something gets thrown at you, and suddenly you're back to spiraling down into the abyss that I've come to know as home.

I know it is going to happen. So why do I keep insisting that it will change? Somehow, sometime, I guess that's just humanity.


Hope. Fall. Hurt. And repeat.

But I am smarter than that, stronger. I won't fall I have one too many times.

I am alone in this. Always have been, always will be.
No hope, no lies, no trust. Just me. And Ana, but she's in my head, so just me.

Again.

Not healthy, but happy.

For once.

So... Today was really good. It was my last day of freedom before I go back to school tomorrow. I hung out with Katie and it was so nice!! I swear, we should do it again. [;

Then I have 13 days before I go to Hawaii!!! I am beyond excited!!!
We're hiking to a bunch of volcanoes, and I'll have no way to control my food intake while I'm there.
That thought creates a lot of anxiety, but maybe if I control my portions, I can burn more than I eat.

I will have no way to weigh myself when I am there... so that's 2 full weeks of not knowing. Fuck.
I will try though, and I swear, I'm weighing myself as soon as I get back.
I just have to try to be okay with this... Somehow.

I have no weight update today, I ended up not being able to weigh and measure, once again. But tomorrow, I for sure will. I also go to pick up laxatives. There's a chance I might be able to get them, and I'm excited for that. Just for the chance to lose more weight, because I need to.
I swear, I'm putting too much hope into this. I am so scared to fall.
But that isn't going to stop me. I guess I will just try it and see what happens.

Last night, once again I SH. I never SH there. I don't know why I did it on my wrist. I really don't. Bu now I'm all paranoid that someone will see it. It's kinda noticeable, and too far up for bracelets to cover. I don't wear make-up, so foundation coverage is out.
Any one have any ideas?
I also need some diet tips. Just simple ones. Preferably ones that don't need other things.
If anyone is interested in sharing some, comment below. But I don't entirely expect to get any comments about this one. At least not helpful ones.

I need to say something straight up. I do not want recovery. I do not want to stop indulging in behaviors, or be healthy. I will get to a healthy weight, but for now, it's gonna be unhealthy. So you might as well stop telling me to do it the healthy way. I don't want to.

So I guess that's that.
I am so not looking forward to school tomorrow. I like my break. I don't wanna go back to waking up at 6 am or earlier, and having homework. I'm starting to dread color guard practices, just because they take so long. But I love the exercise.
On the bright side, I can start again, brand new, and do amazing at school. I need to get my 4.0 back. I know, I'm such a nerd. But I am me! (:

Day 8

Well, day 8 is actually going to be posted tomorrow as day 9. I can't weigh myself, or take my measurements... so I will have to post it tomorrow.

Pretty exciting. Pretty sure I've lost ZERO weight.

As usual.

Nothing

I am such a masochist.
I think that's why I can't give this up. Because in all honesty, I feel I deserve it.
I feel like I'm retreating farther and farther into a place I can't even put a name to.
A place where no words can reach me.
A dark place.
A place that feels like home.

A place where I can hurt myself, and cry, and hate, and starve.
A place where no light can shine.

Normally when I'm upset, I talk to Cimiron, and it helps.
Last night, it didn't.
He called, right as I was about to SH.
Not that I told him that.
I ended up telling him about how I feel like I place burdens on him.
He said that I never did, and that he just wanted to help.
He told me to reach out, whenever.
If I need to talk.
Reach out.

I was happy, I laughed, I was smiling as we joked.
I was happy.
But as soon as I got off the phone with him,
The tears started falling silently down my face.
I reached for my razor blade. The feel of it becoming so familiar to me.
I couldn't breathe.
I felt like suffocating.
And all I could think was
I'm unreachable. I'm in pain, but I deserve it. I deserve worse.

If he can't reach me,
Who can?

When does the hope run out?
When is the battle over?

I leave for Hawaii in 16 days.
I dread going. I tried on the swimming suit I had shoved in the bottom of my drawer.
As soon as I saw myself, I cringed.
I wished I had my razor.
Or something, anything.
I have lost no weight.
I have made no changes.
Not eating for most of the day doesn't work for me anymore.
My metabolism is used to it.

That's what makes it so hard.
Everyone says that my metabolism is fine.
That it is at it's peak right now.
I don't believe that.
I go days without eating,
I eat a lot.
I eat a little, and only when I can't refuse.
Nothing changes.
Nothing.

Whenever I get hungry, like actually hungry,
I try to eat something small.
But no matter how healthy what I eat is,
Or how little I eat,
As soon as it passes my lips, I cringe.
I hate.
I cut.
I punish myself, for being weak and giving in.
This is not normal.

In my last post,
I said I was done talking.
I said that I no longer wished to talk
That still rings true.
I am still so close to the edge of the cliff.
Trying not to fall.
Things can't get much worse.
Not in my eyes at least.
Yet I fear what lies at the bottom.
Is it suicide?

I promised people that I wouldn't try again.
I promised I would be strong.
I promised that I would try to keep going.
I promised that I would take this second chance.

I've pretty much broken all of them.
If I can no longer keep a promise to myself,
and I can no longer keep a promise to someone else..
If I can no longer tell you anything about myself,
If I can no longer find the will to fight,
To keep going,
To try...
If I can no longer see a tomorrow,

Then there is nothing left.

I am empty space.
Nothing.

My voice is no more.

I see all the blogs of people who have started or been where I am. And I see where they are now.
They are losing weight.
They are reaching their goals.

They are finding themselves, making friends, being happy.
They are making progress.

I, however, am not.

I never have. There is no fucking point anymore.

I hate my dad. He is rude, and doesn't give a shit about me. He doesn't beat me, kick me out, or forget to feed me.
I can't rely on anyone. There are plenty of people that are willing to support me, and talk to me, and encourage me. I just need to reach out to them.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. Or what the point of me saying anything is. I should just stop talking. Everything I say is just for attention.

I'm done.
My voice is now more.

_

I sat in my room last night, crying. I couldn't stop, and it felt so good. When I got home last night, I was angry. Just angry. I was shaking, and I wanted to destroy everything in my room, and myself. Everything around me. I wanted it to reflect how I feel inside.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do that. So I tried everything else. Writing, reading, singing, dancing, listening to music, and everything else that normally helps. I couldn't go for a run, as it was so dark already. All of my suicidal thoughts started flooding in, and I started feeling trapped. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone. I wanted to talk to Cimiron, but I couldn't. It was too late his time. I got to thinking.

He is what is holding me up, and I rely on him. He makes me smile, he is my reason to keep fighting. He means the most to me. But what happens when we break up? When I fall? What will I do then? I hate that I put so much pressure on him because of this. I don't want him to feel like he has to stay with me, otherwise I might make another suicide attempt. No. That is not how it is. He was really sweet when I told him about it, and he listened. It was amazing. But one can only deal with so much crap before they reach their limit, and I'm afraid for him to reach his.

So then I started writing. On my mirror, because I could erase it, and nobody would be the wiser. Nobody would know how I felt... and then earlier today... I thought that maybe writing about it would help. Plus, if I ever get out of this, I can look back on it, and see how I once felt. This is proof that it wasn't all in my head... I can't be strong anymore..

I don't want to be.

I don't know how to keep trying.

I just don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I can only smile and pretend I'm okay for so long.

I ask myself this every day.

This is what runs thorough my head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am all of those things, if not more. It never really changes, and I don't expect it too. But I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much.

As ungraceful as ever...

Something brought me here. More than just the usual desire to write. The need to say what is in my head. Things I can't say anywhere else.

I figure, as I am going to be telling the person who means the most to me about it, I might as well write about it too. It may be just what I need.

So here goes. Judge me if you will, but I will keep fighting.

Here's an account of what I've come to know as "The Incident."

On Sunday, I was sitting in my room. Pacing, actually. I had loads of anxiety, and I didn't want to sit down, because it makes my stomach stick out. I hate it.

If you have read my blog, or followed me for any amount of time, I would guess that you know that for the last few months, I've not been doing too well. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

Sunday, I hit the peak of that. December 30, 2012.

As much as I hate to admit it, whenever my anxiety levels get to high, or I'm upset, or something really strong emotionally happens, I usually SH. I know that is not a healthy way to cope. But I do it anyways.

So I tried that. I had been binging for a few days, and I hated how I felt. I felt fat, and gross, and unworthy, and low, and just all out horrible.

I needed to fast, but that is impossible in my damn house. So I SH. A lot. Unfortunately, it didn't have the effect that I needed it to. It didn't block everything out, and it only made me angrier.

For about a week before Sunday, I had been thinking about death. There have been a lot of deaths in my community, but also in my family. I was just thinking about how it would feel to die. How one could die. Or what dying meant. Just objectively thinking about it. Not in a personal way. I wasn't planning my death or anything.

But Sunday night, I just couldn't take it. I literally wanted to die. I just wanted to be gone, to be dead, to not have to deal with any of this anymore. It didn't cross my mind all the people that were there for me, or the people I would be leaving behind. It was purely selfish.

So I'm sure you can guess what I did.

I OD'd. I tried to overdose. I didn't take enough though, or maybe I didn't take the right combinations, because I didn't die.

I would have, if this kid hadn't stepped in. He kept texting me and texting, and calling, etc. My phone buzzing brought my dad around, and he found me.

I'm sure you can all guess what happened after that. I feel no need to finish that particular part of the story. This isn't easy to write. I keep writing a few words, then deleting a sentence, then re-writing it, then deleting. I just can't seem to get the words right.

For this whole week, the feeling of wanting to die hasn't gone away.

I still think about it sometimes, about what it would be like to fully die. I have accepted that, and it no longer bothers me. Maybe it should. Maybe getting comfortable with your death isn't the best thing.

I haven't told Cimiron about any of this. He doesn't know that I have Anorexia, that I cut and SH on a regular basis. He doesn't know I was having a bad few months. Or that I was suicidal. But  can't expect him to. I never said anything. I always told him that I was fine, that I was okay.

The reason being for that is that whenever I try to talk about it, he gets hurt. Hurt in the sense that he wants me to be okay, and that he wants to help. But I am not okay, nor do I want to be okay right now. He can't help, and I don't know how to ask that of him. So I gradually just stopped saying anything. I just hid it.

But as it was pointed out to me, I should tell him. He loves me, he can help me, and he cares. I know he does.

But with that comes my intense fear of what he would think. I am not one to care what others think of me, or to get emotionally attached to people. I just don't. Normally. But with Cimiron, I have. If he were to reject me, I would be crushed. If he just accepted it, no questions asked, I think it would be a form of rejection in itself. I don't know.

I asked him how well he took bad news, and he basically said that he took it kinda well, and that he would try to be okay with it. I know he would. That's what I love about him. One of the things anyways. So I told him that I needed to talk to him, and I talk to him in about 2 hours. I am absolutely terrified.

Most of my family doesn't know. The only one in my family who knows is my dad. I feel like if I said all of this allowed, then I would be making it real. I feel like somehow they would find out.

I need to be 18. When nobody has control over me except for me, then I can finally breathe. But for now, I guess I jut have to watch my back.

I feel so low, so undeserving of everything. Because I have sunk this low. I don't know what up is. I don't feel like I can go up. Only down, or maintain. I feel like I deserve to go down. Because I'm just that horrible. But I don't know. It is so hard to know what to do in these situations. I trust Cimiron with my life, and I know he is a good person. But still. I fear for my rejection.

Wish me the best of luck... I hope that all goes well.

That is my story.

Where I go from here... I don't know.

But I realize now that I can't give up trying.

What Does It Make You?

If you have a bad habit, but you don't want to quit it... does that make you a bad person?

I have an Eating Disorder... but I don't want to stop.
I self harm... But I don't want to stop.
I bite my nails... but I don't want to stop.
I over exercise... but I don't want to stop.

Does this make me weak? A failure? A bad person?

Actually.. I think it does. Or not. I don't know what it makes me.

If an alcoholic doesn't want to stop drinking... are they a bad person?
If a druggie doesn't want to stop smoking... are they a bad person?
If a junkie doesn't want to stop... are they a bad person?

What if?

Honesty is the best policy, right? Especially with the ones you love, right?

But what if it was something that they would never otherwise find out?

What if it doesn't effect them? Should you still tell them because they care about you?

What if they can't help you, what if you don't need help?

What if telling them would only tear everything apart?

What if telling them made them think you were crazy?

What if you got hurt by telling them?

What if they didn't love you anymore?

What if you knew you could prevent it?

What if you made a bigger deal out of it than it was?

What if it killed you?

Would you still tell them?

What if it had no benefit, and only hurt the person you were trying so hard to protect?

What if?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifhwhatif?

Randomness in my life

So far.... the fast is going good.
Now that I've wasted a good chunk of my day on my computer ^_^
I think it's time to do chores and get movin'!!

I actually feel motivated to do chores, clean my room, and do my laundry today. I think this is my go-to activity when I have nothing better to do. But hey! At least it's productive!!

Sorry for my boringness. Just wanted to update on how life is going..

Pretty swell at the moment!!! ^____^

Motivation

***Thinspiration warning****

I have to keep myself on track. I can't lose sight of what I want.
So here's some thinspo. I am lacking inspiration, but maybe this will help.

*** I love belly rings. They are THE BEST!! I want a stomach to have a belly button ring!! SO bad!! Yep. I'm feeling motivated.

Though I feel a bit stupid because I don't know how to work Tumblr. Anyone know that would show me? LOL.

Great start for the new year!

Not. I can't even begin. Where do I begin?

Well.... I fucked up.

Twice. Or 3 times.

Maybe 4.


Fuuuck.


For one, I smoked weed. Yeah, I used to. I have only smoked maybe a handful of times in my life though. After last time... It was no more.
Well, wasn't.
My aunt and her friend were all for getting high off their asses, and for some reason, that made me decide to take part.. That is offense number one.

Offense number 2:
Because of the weed, I lost control. Fuck.
In the course of like 2 hours... I had 4 cups of coffee with coffee creamer (300), popcorn (400), chocolate (300), corn chips and ranch (600), skittles (250), and champagne (424). I over estimated a bit, because I had no way to measure things, and I don't know 100% how much I ate.. Nonetheless... It was 2284... Fuck. Yeah... Now I have to burn that off.... I know that I gained weight. Which means that I have to lose it.

Offense number 3:
Champagne. I knew that I was fucking up. I always do. SO I had to keep going. I had 424 calories in Champagne. And as it was my first time drinking... I did get a little bit drunk. Not like full on, I don't think I drank that much... but fuck. I still consider it an offense.

Offense number 4:
This morning. I got up, and my aunt and her friend were smoking. Again. So long story short, I ended up smoking again with them. Shit. I had one cup of coffee (150), biscuits and gravy (600), and hot dogs (300).
Yep. Wow. I am so out of control. And even as I write this. Yeah, I'm still high. Apparently, right now, I know no shame. But when it wears off... It's gonna be hell.
So the total for the day is already 1050. This is more than I ate on Thanksgiving and Christmas combined.
So much for 400 a day.

One day into the new year.. I've already fucked up. But for this one time, I'm going to act like this never happened. I am going to have to keep going, forget about this.


So my plan for the rest of the week. I am fasting. Liquid fasting. I will basically cleanse myself. I eat NOTHING until Sunday. That's when my 400 a day limit kicks in. I have to do this.

fatfailurefatfailurefatfailure

Ahh such that I am. Don't try to tell me I'm not. I have no hope for that reality right now.

I weighed myself. And I've only gained a lb from this. Though I feel like I should have gained six. It probably won't show up right. I need to get a scale of my own.

Anyways, I feel absolutely horrible. Bloated, gross, fat. Yeah. So I'm going home, I'm going to run, and I'm going to get back on track. I will be skinny. I am determined.

Now... to motivate myself.

My New years!

I definitely didn't plan it the way it happened out. And I don't know which version you are here to read about. God, I feel so whacky. So I don't know how much sense this post will make. Hopefully, you can at least understand it. So I'll give you the planned version, and the actual version. What you take from them is entirely up to you.

Planned version:
- Sit at home and have a movie marathon/
-Avoid food!!!
-Watch some fireworks, hopefully.
-Avoid food!!
-Possible pull an all nighter.... I mean... Who needs sleep?!!
-Avoid food!!!!

Pretty interesting, isn't it? Ah, well. I promise that the actual version is a little more.... messed up, interesting, stupid, however you choose to view it.

Actual version:
-Go to my aunt's to hang out with her friend.
-Decided I didn't want to go home, and that I would just chill there.
-Watch American Pie, and Bad Teacher. Amazing movies, if you haven't seem them.
-Smoke (weed) for the first time in about 6 months.
- Eat some food, drink some coffee.
- Smoke some more.
-Watch fireworks at midnight!
-Drink some Champagne.
- Smoke some more.
-Finally fall asleep at 3am.

Pretty exciting, isn't it?
Totally not how I planned it to go.
Really.
Judge me for what you will though.

Hope everyone had a good new years!

My 2013 Resolutions!

Yeah, I know. These were supposed to go up at midnight, weren't they? Well.... I was having a good/bad night. So.... they're going up late. Hope you don't mind. [;
So these are my "resolutions". I like to say goals, because if I say resolutions, then I definitely won't reach them. All that bad mumba jumba. You know what I'm talking about.

My resolutions:
1. Be friendlier. I can't isolate myself anymore.
2. Complete more of my "before I die" tasks.
3. Focus more on school. It's the key to everything I want.
4. Reach my UGW. It's gonna take time. But I will do it.
5. Stop pushing people away. Even the strongest people need people sometimes.
6. Think of more resolutions when you have a clear head... Yeah.

So there you have it! No, I'm not in the best headspace right now (another post to come). When my head clears, I'll add more to the list! So keep checking!


Happy 2013 everyone!!!!! ^__^