Stuck In The Middle

I'm stuck in the middle. Basically nothing and nobody.
I mean, I'm not 100% Eating Disordered, but i'm not 100% ED free either.
I don't cut enough for it to be a problem, but I am not self harm free either.
I'm not suicidal enough, but I'm not okay either.
There is nothing wrong with me, but I'm not right either.

I'm just stuck in the middle, and I fucking hate it. Every day I fight to find a reason to not end it. Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.
I hate this. I hate my life.
I hate myself. All I do is complain.
I'm a pessimist  I guess that's all I'll ever be. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know a life with anything else. This in-between is all I know. I just want it to end already.

Please.

Ruh Roh Shaggy!

I've been hanging out with Cimiron as much as I can, because he leaves on August 11 and I may not get to see him from August 1 - August 9th. So I've been spending every day I possibly could with him.

Yesterday I hung out with him in the morning. I made it over there at about noon. I didn't have my key, so I left my front door unlocked. My roommate, S, came back in that time and left again, locking the door. I came back at 5 pm to do my chores before she got home, but since she had locked the door, I had to climb over the 6 foot fence. That is no easy feat. In the carport, my dad has a lot of wood and metal and such that you have to climb over. Climbing over all of that at 5 pm is easy. I can see what I'm doing.
Anyways, so I left again after doing my chores. I left again to go back to Cimiron's, but I locked the door since I figured S would be home before I got back. It turns out I was wrong.
I got back from Cimiron's at 9:45 pm and S still wasn't home. So I sat at my door for about 15 minutes until I realized that she wasn't going to be home until about 1 am. I realized that she was working. I saw a whole bunch of spiders on the ground where I was sitting so I didn't want to stay there. I called my brother and went to hang out with him. He was only like a few streets away. My phone was dying, and I was over there until about 1 am. I got back at like 1, and I discovered that S was already back and she had locked the door.  So I climbed through the front window to get in my house. That's pretty much all that happened.

Last night when S got home, she was on the phone with my dad. She told him that I wasn't home, and that I hadn't been. So he called me this morning to bitch at me. S woke me up bright and early too to bitch. She wanted to know where I was (understandable) and then she proceeded to point out all the things I didn't do yesterday as well. Chores, needing to do things, how I'm manipulative, how I never do anything around my house, etc. She said some things that really pissed me off, and I swear to god I could have punched her. So I told her that I was going to go for a walk, and she said that she was going to follow me. We argued for about 10 minutes about how she wanted me to clean the windows but I wanted to take a walk to calm down. She said she didn't believe that I was going to walk on my own, and that I was meeting someone. Which is why she wanted to follow me. But if I agreed to wash the windows, she was going to watch me. I told her that I needed her to leave so I could calm down. I was livid.
She didn't agree. So I started cleaning the windows, and as soon as she left, I went to my room and I cut. A lot. Many of them were deep too. But I couldn't help it. She came and knocked on my door, right as I was pulling my pants up. She knocked once and opened my door, not even giving me the chance to answer. Which pissed me off more. I was so sure she saw my cuts. Fuck.
So I finished the windows and I left and I was gone pretty much all day.

I hate my roommates. I don't want them here. I want to move out and I want to be left alone. Seriously.

** Another random note - I went for a motorcycle ride today, but when I was getting on the bike I tripped and I gave myself a muffler burn on my leg. It's huge, and though it doesn't hurt, it's pretty ugly. Apparently it will hurt tomorrow, but I'm excited for the wicked scar I will have when it heals too. :D

*** Also, I am thinking of making my blog private, just because I'm a bit scared that someone will find it. Not many people have a boyfriend named Cimiron, so if someone who knew me found this blog, they'd definitely know that it was mine. But at the same time, I've written close to 500 posts, and I really don't want to go back through all 500 posts and find his name and change it. Any ideas what I can do? I have been trying to be really careful, but I guess I'm just a bit paranoid. Nobody suspects, because I'm hardly ever on my blog when they're around, but still. Any advice?

Enjoying my summer!

Having random dance moments with your boyfriend is fun.
Well, at least it is to me. Cimiron and I were laying on his bed and we were just listening to music. So I decided to pick the most upbeat songs I could (Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson, Don't Stop Believing by Journey and Fireworks by Katy Perry) and dance/mouth the words to them. It was pretty fun, even if Cimiron didn't join in with me.
The other day I was wearing a hoodie and it was huge on me. So I asked Cimiron if he thought we could both fit in it. Turns out, we could. I took a bunch of photos of us, and I'm pretty happy. I'll have to post the photos later.
I'm enjoying my summer with Cimiron. We're just having fun, trying to be crazy. It's crazy. In 7 months, I turn 18. In 9 months, I'm moving out. Hopefully moving to New York to go to college and be with Cimiron.
That's crazy to me, but exciting too. Nobody here believes that I will do it, because they all think that it's a pipe dream. But I'm determined to do it, and I will.
For now, I've just got to focus on enjoying my summer and getting through the next 9 months. Woo!

I want to run away. I want to disappear...

I want to run away.
I want to disappear...

Tattoos!

I've decided that I want two tattoos. One across my wrists, and one on the back of my neck.

The one across my wrists will say "Stay Strong" like this:

But I want to do something to make it original. This tattoo is originally from Demi Lovato, but I thought it was a great idea and want to get it myself. Although I'm hoping to make mine original. I want to get that one because I want that to be my reminder that everything is possible, and that strength can be found in the least likely place. That one would be to symbolize, for me, my ED, and my self harm. But also overcoming the obstacles that I've found impossible, until I was on the other side. If that makes any sense.

The second tattoo, which I want to get on the back of my neck, I am still trying to figure out. I want it to say something along the lines of "Just keep swimmin' " or "Just breathe" but part of me feels like it's missing something. That one is still under construction.

Let me know what you think?

Yay?

Nay?

Any advice?

Anything at all helps. (:

Umm.

Thinking feels too hard right now. Feeling is too hard. It's 4am and I haven't slept. This is usually about when I crash.
But I don't even want to sleep. I spent much of the day with Cimiron. It was great. Confusing. Terrifying. Crazy. New. Scary. It was everything.

I just don't even know right now. I wish I had a friend. Like here. Someone I could just meet face to face and talk. Not someone to feel sorry for me. Just someone to talk to me and help me think.

Weight Loss Challenge.

I've started a plan to lose 14 lbs in 26 days. Which I started yesterday. I'm really hoping I can do it. I haven't really lost any weight in a while and I need to. Very badly.

I'm basically trying to restrict, but fuck.
Yesterday I caved and ate macaroni. Today I caved and ate Panda Express. I never eat Panda Express. I feel so shitty.
I want to cut, and I want to die. I have so much anxiety, and I'm such a failure. I just need to get out on my own so that I can say fuck you and then nobody can give me any food that I might cave on. At least if I was on my own, then nobody could tell me that I had to eat.
I'm hoping to work off all the calories. But fuck. I looked up the nutritional information...
For Orange Chicken, which is what they brought home, it has 420 calories, 21 g of fat, 4 grams of Saturated Fat, 95mg of cholesterol, 620mg of sodium, 43g of carbs, and 15g of protein. Multiply that times two, and you basically get what I had for dinner. Oh, and another 470 for rice that they forced me to eat....

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!

I have so much anxiety and I'm fucking pissed off that I can't purge. So I guess I'll have to exercise it off. 1500 calories? FUCK ME.

So there you have it. Day 1 of my weight loss challenge was a success. Day 2 was an epic fucking failure.

I wish I was dead.

I'm addicted!

to Otter Pops. I know, they probablly sound silly. They're basically juice, just in frozen form.
I haven't eaten them in a long time, juse because we never bought them. But since I've gotten sick recently, we got them. I'm addicted. They're just sooo good!
I've been eating like 4 or 5 a day, since we got them. They come in all colors. They help a lot with my throat and my cough, but I don't mind!

I'm like a little kid. They're so good!
Anyways, sorry this was kind of random... xD

Too Much For Life

I have too many emotions for life.
I feel emotions too intensely, and they can leave me feeling raw. Defeated. Tired.
I feel like I have no control over the emotions I feel, or how intensely I feel them. They just happen. I'm a bit like a conduit.

No emotion is just as bad as too much emotion, but how do you find that balance? How do you manage such strong emotions?

Earlier today after I got home, I was laying on my bed. I didn't want to move, but I got so pissed off at myself. I was pissed off at the way my clothes fit me, every inch of fat on my body. I was pissed off that I had eaten, I was pissed off at my weight, I was just pissed off at everything. It was such a strong emotion, much stronger that my normal emotions used to be. So, at a loss of what to do, I punched a wall. Several times. Needless to say, I bruised my knuckles. Walls are harder than I thought. Then I walked around my house banging my arm on things, as hard as I could, trying to break it. When I couldn't break my arm, I got even more pissed off and desperate. I started kicking things. I wanted to destroy everything in my room. Break as many things as I possibly could, but I knew that I couldn't do that. So I reached for my blade.
It's hard to understand why I reached for it. Why my brain defaults to pain when I'm feeling intense emotion rather than just feeling. Even when I feel intense good emotions, I default to pain. Biting, kicking, burning, breaking, cutting, bruising, scratching, destroying pain. Why?
What makes me do that? I mean, what makes me cope in that way when the next person doesn't in the same situation?

I've been trying to limit myself on the amount of self harm I inflict on myself. My legs are really the only safe place for me to cut. Anywhere else, and people might notice. My dad might flip. Not that I don't still do it, but it's a lot riskier than before. I've been trying to let my wounds heal, before making more.
But after earlier, when I had self harmed, my emotions quieted down. Not gone, per say. But they were a little less intense. Instead, I got really suicidal. But I feel like that's so common nowadays, or even just with me that it doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's so stupid, and I know that it's stupid, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like if I'm not critically underweight or attempting suicide, there's nothing wrong with me. So so stupid. I know. But I still believe it.
Anyways. I got to feeling like that, and I just went to bed. I fell asleep with a razor blade in my hand, and I slept for 4 hours. That seems to be the most I can sleep at a time. Last night I slept for 3, and woke up at 8. I went to bed at like 5. I hate sleeping so much, but it's the only escape I have from my thoughts. It's the only sanity and almost-peace I have left.

I get to see Cimiron tomorrow. I'm super stoked. He has been visiting his sister for a week, so I haven't gotten to see him. But tomorrow! I will. (:
My dad is getting back in about 2 weeks, and he will be here for about 3 days. Then on August 1, both S and my dad fly back out to where he's working, and I will be home alone with M for a week. This upsets me, because Cimiron leaves on August 11. S said that it would be preferred if I didn't have him over or I wasn't over there for that week, as I would need to keep an eye on M. By the way, she isn't pregnant. She ended up having a miscarriage..
So for basically the week before he leaves, I won't be able to see him. That doesn't float my boat at all. I need to see him. He's like my crack, and baby I'm addicted! xD
So I'm super stoked to see him tomorrow. Though I'm still sick, and hacking up lungs.

Otherwise, I have no obligations tomorrow, and I intend to enjoy myself! (:
At least when I'm with him I won't have to think and be stuck in my head. I can breathe when I'm with him. (One of these days I will post a picture of him and I together. I don't ever want to forget this.)

A Dream

I had a dream last night/this morning that shook me up a little bit. I'm not sure why it shook me up, but it did.
I dreamt that I was scared. I was shaking, terrified, and angry. But my emotions were colors. So as an example, terror would be black. Anger would be red.
I was terrified and angry, and I had a blade. I took the blade and I cut across my wrist, but didn't stop there. I cut all the way around my arm, like a circle. I made indents in my bones there. As much as it hurt, I needed it there. It was like a bracelet. A bracelet of blood.
I cut as deep as the blade would let me, and I wore the scar as a symbol. A mark. I was proud to have it there, but terrified that someone would come and kill me for having it there.

Beyond that, I don't remember my dream. But it's stuck with me and I can't quite get it out of my head. I'm not even sure what it means, if anything. But for whatever reason, I can't get it out of my head.

Every Day Is A New Day

Nothing which I start can I ever finish.

15 day liquid fast? Fail.
Writing to my brother? Fail.
That just seems to be my standard.

I feel really apathetic recently. Like it's too much trouble to carry on a conversation with people. The other day while I was with Cimiron, I started feeling that way. I started feeling like it was too much effort to talk to him, or to even explain what I was feeling. I just wanted to sit there and stare at a wall.
When I do manage to think, it's not good. It's angry. I get so pissed off, just because of my thinking.

People don't understand me when I say that I piss myself off. They don't get it. They think it's easy to change, if I so wished. But it isn't that simple. Or I don't feel like it is anyways.
I just feel so apathetic about everything, and it sucks. It means that I get nowhere. I think I need to have a day or two where I just don't talk to anyone. I just don't see or be around anyone. But that's difficult. There are always people around, always someone wanting to talk.
Not to mention, if I did that, I'd feel like I was wasting the few days I have with Cimiron before he goes back to NY.
I don't want him to go, I really don't. But he has to, and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because I don't like emotions, and I shove mine as far away as I can? For whatever reason, I just don't like it.

But today is the start of a new day. I will be hopefully hanging with my mom, so that should give me something to do. I will have to make the best of today, do what I can. My dad flies back today as well. Great. He will be up there for a while, so I have free reign basically.
Not that I really ever use it. But I don't really like him being there.
I feel guilty for hating him, if he is changing. If he wants to change, then I feel guilty for still being angry. But it feels like I just have so much going on right now that I can't even think of not hating him. I need to get my life under control.
School starts in a little over a month. I need to be ready.. I need to be focused. It's my last year of High School. I NEED to do well. No if's, and's, or but's. But how do I get a grip on myself?

Any advice?

I guess if push comes to shove, I'll do what I did last year. Pretend that nothing is wrong, and shove my Eating Disorder and self harm/depression to the back and focus on everything and everyone else. Seemed to work well enough, till I fucked up and trusted someone.
Never again. Trusting people gets me nowhere.

Anyways, so that's my little rant.

Here's to making the best of my day! I'm going to try to enjoy it.

My Apologies...

I'm sorry.
I'm in a weird headspace right now.
I feel like everyone expects me to be one way, but I'm someone totally different.
You, my blog readers. I can guarentee that you don't read my blog because you want to be depressed. Or you don't want to read depressing stuff all the time.
I try, though. I try really hard to be positive. But that's just it. I don't know how.
If I lose a few blog readers over any of the posts I've written, so be it. I have no control over that. But if you leave, can you please leave a comment giving me some feedback/why you left? Just so I know. Even if it's posted anon. You don't have to, though.
I'm surprised I even have readers. In some ways though, I feel like I let everyone down. Which sucks a lot, because that wasn't what my blog was meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be about keeping up an image, or inspiring others, or even helping others. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to do just that.
But I'm a pessimist. Usually. I can be optimistic when helping others, and whatnot. But when it comes to myself - no. I just can't.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I'm not what you're expecting. Or what you're hoping for.
But this is who I am. I'm working on changing it. It's a slow process. Y'know, two steps forward, one step back.

But I'm just here to apologize for everything, even if I have nothing to apologize for.
I'm sorry.

Just A Little Deeper

My pain is written into every scar on my body.
Each scar or cut is a memory.
It's fucked up, but this is almost all I can ever see my life being.
I've been asked by people like my dad and counselors, "Why [do you self harm]?"
What answer do I have to that?
None, really.
Why do you breathe? That's what it feels like to me now. It's as easy and as habitual as breathing. I just do. It helps.
But it isn't normal.
So what switched in my brain that made it normal?
What made starving normal?
What makes me keep going back, endlessly searching for ways to destroy myself? Why?
Why don't I want to stop?
Why do I keep going? Ever cutting deeper.
What is wrong with me?
I don't really have an answer.
It's my lifeline. As crazy as it sounds, I don't think I'd be alive without it. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. Who knows?
Nobody can really understand it except for me.
Why do I seek out pain as a way to exist?
Why does it help?
What makes me different from someone else? A lot of things, I guess.
Why does burning my flesh, destroying it, have to be my way to cope?
Why am I addicted to self destruction?
Why am I still not sick enough?
Why can't I ever cut deep enough?
Burn bad enough?
Why am I never 'enough'?

They say self confidence starts with you. But I won't ever get out of this. I won't ever have self confidence. Not at the rate I'm going.
I have this vision in my head, of who I want to be. But here's the funny thing. I will never be her. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to tolerate myself. I'll always be hateful toward myself, ever seeking to destroy myself.
I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, of breathing, of hurting, of hating, of wishing, of hoping, of trying.
I wish I could just let go.

I Don't Want A New Roommate!

Before I get started on this post, there are some things I need to clarify. S is my dad's friend as well as mine (sorta). S has 4 kids, but two of them are grown up and moved elsewhere. The two that are left are B who's 18, and M who's 15.
As of right now, B and S are living at my house with my dad and I. But in the next month, B is moving to my grandparents where he is going to rent a room until he finds somewhere else to stay. M is going to be moving in, in place of B. B and M can't be together, as some shit went down that I don't really know about.
So I am getting yet another roommate.

I found out all of this yesterday. /: I told everyone I was fine with it. But really, I'm not.
I hate that B is moving to my grandparents. I feel like that's my space and he has no right to move there. I'm so anxious that M is moving in. She's 15. We've both changed so much since I last saw her. I've matured, chilled out. I don't really do any bad things, aside from smoking weed, hanging with my mom, cutting, and having my ED. She, on the other hand, has gotten herself into a lot of trouble in the last year or so. She's a partier, likes to break rules (or at least did), and... Did I mention she's pregnant? Yep. 15 and pregnant. That's all fine and dandy. If she wants to do that, I wish her the best of luck. But what I'm getting at is that we're different.
I feel so anxious that I'm gonna have to hide from her too. I don't like new people coming into my life. I don't know her all that well, so I don't know the best ways to hide my habits and whatnot from her.
I hate it. But I'll learn. And learn quickly.
I just hate it. I feel like all I do is bullshit people. I want to move away, I want to be alone. I want to be able to do what I want, and not have to hide. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want to be able to do anything. I want to be left alone. I hate new people.
So much anxiety. They just kind of dropped that bomb on me yesterday, with zero warning. It's bullshit.

Elitch Gardens! :D

I went to Elitches with my dad, one of my room mates (S), and my soon-to-be roomate (S's daughter).
At first I was kind of dreading it. I mean, I've changed so much, and so has she. I did a lot of really stupid shit with her when I was younger. But I haven't seen her in such a long time. I didn't know how it would be. Surprisingly, it was a blast.
I had a lot of fun, and I got a wicked sunburn. Which is going to turn into a wicked tan tomorrow. :D
I'm glad I did it. I miss going to Elitches. Last summer I had a season pass so I could go whenever I wanted, and believe me, I did. I went almost every day, all day. But this summer I didn't get a season pass. So it was a little shocking when I went with my dad.
He really isn't the kind of person to do something like that. Not with me, anyways. But nevertheless, it was fun.

As for my soon to be roommate. Well, I'll write about that in another post. It's a bit complicated. xD

Happy Fourth of July!

I live in the US, and here it is the Fourth of July. Somehow I love this holiday. It's really the only holiday I get to spend with Cimiron, but I loved every minute of it.

Fireworks... Maybe it's just me. But I love the after smell of fireworks. Like the gun powder smell. xD
We stayed local this year to watch the fireworks. But they didn't feel long at all. I feel like they went by really fast. I got to eat a giant snow cone though. Great for my last day of food for the next 2 weeks. I'm gonna try to start a 15 day liquid fast, tomorrow. I was going to start today, but then everyone decided to shove food down my throat and I failed. But alas, I will start tomorrow.

Back to today. I didn't really do a whole lot, I slept a lot, which is strange for me.
But I'm sick so I didn't sleep much last night. I made up for it today, at least.

Anyways, that's my short update on today, being the Fourth of July. I don't really have a lot to say about it. It was just tons of fun.

What's your favorite part about this holiday? (If you celebrate it)
What's your favorite holiday?

 

  

 

Short Update

Today was a good day. Of course I spent it with Cimiron. We watched Fullmetal Alchemist, which is an anime.
They really didn't used to be my thing. They're his thing, but not mine. The only one I'd ever watched on my own was Code Geass. I think that's how you spell it anyways.
But we watched Fullmetal Alchemist, and I thought it was pretty good. (:
Then we went to the school to swing for a while. He's really bad at making decisions, but then again, so am I. We're really uncompatable in that way. xD
Then we went to his house for a while. We just hung out and joked around, pretty much. Sometimes I can get frustrated with him, but it never lasts long. We've never had an actual fight, either.
I enjoyed my day, for the most part.

The next few days might be crazy. Tomorrow my dad gets back in town. But he's only here till Sunday. Thursday I'm going to see fireworks with Cimiron. I'm stoked. xD Last year I had a blast. There's just something about him. (; Haha.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog and deleting this one. There are some people here that know about this one, and I don't really like that. It makes me feel like I have to be careful what I say on here. Which isn't what I intended when I started this blog. /: I would just tell those people that know about it to not read it, but really, I don't trust them not to. So what to do?

My mood drops really low when I'm alone. Sometimes when I'm with others it happens too. Anger.. That's what it is. Anger and sadness.
But like when I'm with Cimiron, most of the time I'm happy. I'm still trying to find that balance, though. Only time will tell, I guess. Time and patience. I suck at being patient. xD Sometimes.
Never too late to work on it, I guess.
Peace out, for now. (:

I (tried) to dye my hair and it failed. Well, kinda. It's a little bit of a lighter brown, but not enough to notice. /: I wish I could've been blonde. I was gonna dye the bottom layer of my hair blonde, and then the top layer with streaks, but I failed.

Selfish... I am.

I was with Cimiron yesterday. Being sweet, and cuddling. He bought me a pee-wee pillow pet, an elephant. I was being happy. Until I ruined it.
I guess I'd been acting self conscious of my legs, because he asked what was wrong. Before I could think about it too much, I showed him my legs. Whether it was borne out of desperation, fear, need, whatever - I showed him my legs.
He took it surprisingly well. There are probably close to 100 cuts on my thighs. Some deep, some not.
We talked. He told me to reach out to him, use him. He told me he'd always be there, that he loved me. He told me he WANTED to help. So now, when I'm laying in bed, so close to reaching for the blade, wishing I could be with him, wishing he could take away my pain, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I'm burdening him? Why am I wishing I could take back the text message I sent him asking for help? Why can't I accept help?

It's 3:40am here now, for me. He will see the message at about 8am, but I've got to be up at 6:30am. Yet I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking.
Ask for help. Guilt.
Self harm. Guilt.
Ask for a favor. Guilt.
Tell someone I need him. Guilt.
Cry, finally. Guilt.
Breathe. Guilt.
Live. Guilt.
Exist. Guilt.
Why can't it ever go away? People ask me WHY I think I deserve so much pain and unhappiness. I don't have an answer. I only know with every fiber of my being that I deserve it.
I'm a pessimist, and for that I wish I could die. I honestly don't see good that I bring to people or the world. I see the pain, the hurt, the burden. I see the negativity I bring to people.
What switched in my brain? Why can't I see it? What makes me different?
People say that you can't love others unless you love yourself first. Or that others can't love you if you don't love yourself. But I don't. I don't love myself, and I doubt I ever will.
So how can anyone love me?
How can I have value?
How can I have worth?
I can't. I just can't. I never will, it feels like.
Maybe this is my destiny...

Vans Warped Tour

I went to the Vans Warped Tour. It was so epic.
For any of you who don't know what that is, it's like a giant concert. There are usually over 50 bands and they play. You can move from any of the stages, and there are about 6. It was epic!! O. M. G.

There are too many bands to list here right now, but I'll list the ones I saw and the ones I'm a fan of. If you want to see any more, here's the link. http://www.vanswarpedtour.com/bands/
The bands I saw were 3oh!3, The Ataris, Black Veil Brides, Blessthefall, Bring Me The Horizon, Echosmith, Forever The Sickest Kids, Like Moths To Flames, Relient K, Silverstein, Sleeping With Sirens, Never Shout Never, The Black Delilah Murder, Tonight Alive, and Woe Is Me.

They were amazing!! ^_^
At one point, I was watching The Ataris, and I crowd surfed. I got to make it to the front, but I had to leave because I was seconds from passing out. If I had stayed at the front of the stage, I'd have passed out. I was starving, dehydrated, and light headed. So I left. I wish I could have stayed there, but it was fun.
I got shoved into a mosh pit too. I got kicked in the ribs and I might have hurt a few other people, but nevertheless, it was so amazing to be there. I loved it. I wish I could have stayed there longer to see more bands. But I had to leave. I'm sure I'll have more to write later, but for now, here you go!