Day 1

This is my first day of progress pictures.
I will post pretty much everything.
Pictures, measurements, and my weight. Woo.
I am such a fat whale.
But here goes.

Starting weight: 180.5 lbs
Arm: 11 inches
Thigh: 24 inches
Waist: 31 inches
Wrist: 6.5 inches
Hips: 39 inches
Calf: 15 inches

Damn.
This makes me look ridiculously fat. But I suppose I am.

Now, the world can see my fat ass, and agree that I look like a whale. But I will change this. I update in 2 weeks, but until then, I'll be posting how it's going, and tons of thinspo to keep me on track.

Getting My Ass In Gear

So it just set in that it is almost the new year. For some reason, I had been avoiding that thought.

My goal was to be 120 by June of 2013. But at this point, I'll take what I can get.
I don't intend for anyone to support me. I know that what I about to embark on is NOT HEALTHY. Not safe. But fuck it.

After last night, there is no more safe. I have officially crossed some line.
If you know about last night, please don't say anything. Right now, I don't even want it on my blog. I can't stand it. Maybe later, once time has passed, I will write about it. But right now, I can't.

I think a few people who know me here might be reading my blog. So I'm going to remove any pictures of me, and I changed my name to an alias on here. Not a big deal. I am still me. But if you are reading this, and you know me, please, I ask you. I beg you. Don't tell anyone. Keep this to yourself, or text me to let me know you know, or message me on Facebook. Please, just don't say anything to anyone.

With that being said...
Here's my plan.

I will go for a half an hour walk every day. EVERY DAY. No excuses. I will do 500 crunches, before I go to bed, and I will sleep no more than 6 hours a night.
I must drink at lest 2 liters of water a day, and my caloric intake must be under 400. No excuses. This isn't about "losing weight". Or getting there the healthy way. I will starve my way into being beautiful. I am cutting out all sweets. I am also cutting out all dairy. I don't know what this makes me. But it is how I am going to do things.
The dairy rule is flexible, but not too much.

Once I get myself an Ipod, to replace the one that was stolen, I will post tons of thinspo pics on there, and start using MyFitnessPal. This will keep me on track. Really.
There has been NO EXCUSE for what I have been doing. Any other person would have lost loads of weight by now, living in my house.
I am fat. And a failure.
There is no other excuse.

Once I go back to school, I will ace all of my classes. Anything less than an A is unacceptable. I will do this. I have to. I will get into college, and I will be beautiful. Skinny.
I am going to have some ups and downs. But I will stay on track. This will be so much harder after what happened last night, and my family being all up in here watching me, and keeping tabs on what I do or do not do, but I will do it. I have to.

I might post some thinspo pics on here.
If this bothers or triggers anyone, you might not want to read. I know that it isn't the best decision, that there are better ways, but fuck it.
I don't want a better way.
This is just Ana and I.
So thinspo, it is. I have to do this.

I will do this.

In Hawaii, my dad wants to hike to a lot of volcanoes and such. This means TONS of exercise. Woo! And if I can manage not to binge while I am there, then I will definitely drop weight. I can do this.
I am so excited to go. Not for being a whale in a bikini, but for losing weight, for exercising, and for getting to have fun while doing it. I won't be in a dark mood. I can't let myself...
I can do this.

That's all I have to do. Repeat that to myself over and over and over.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.

My thoughts might grow dark at times, but that is me. Everyone has those thoughts. And this is the only place I can properly write them out, so I will. Please, don't judge me. This is my journey. You can choose not to watch any time you want. But I will do what I see fit.
Haha, puns. Gotta love them.

I refuse to be a whale anymore. So I'm going to post progress pictures and such as I go. Maybe it'll help if the world can see how disgustingly fat I am. I hope it will.
I am going to start tomorrow. Bright and early. I will post those pics. And if you don't want to see them, or if you get triggered, then please, take control and don't read. But I have to do this.
I believe it is for the best.
I can no longer go one day without losing weight.
No more.

I will do this.
You're welcome to watch, but I don't encourage anyone to join me. What I am doing is not good. I know that.
But I'm doing it.

It's time to get my ass in gear.

New looks.

It's almost 2013. Which means that everything for me, is going to change.
You may have noticed the change on my blog. I felt like I needed something new, and this was it. I don't know if I will keep it though. I just kinda wanted to express myself.
If you want, you can tell me what you think, or if there is anything I should change
Or if you just want to say something, you can. Comments are always welcome.
That was strangely... therapeutic for me. I don't know why, but it was. (:

What do you see?

Just a random picture. But I thought I should post it. Because isn't that what I always do?
So you're supposed to look at it, and the first 4 words you see, describe you.
My words were:
Insecure
Passionate
Thoughtful
Independent

Not too bad.
Here's the picture. What do you see?

Just when things start to look up......

They fall down again.

I want to be anyone but me.

I want to reinvent myself.

But I don't know how.

Don't read this.

Went to a dinner theater tonight.
I was in dark jeans and a black t-shirt. It took me about 45 minutes to choose this simple outfit. Everything I tried on, made me feel fatter. I hated the way it fit. I wanted something "nice" but also something plain. I settled on the black t-shirt. I didn't think it was that bad. But my grandma got upset as soon as she saw me. She said I didn't look nice enough.
She suggested that I wear this orange shirt, one I never wear anymore. I didn't think it was in any way nicer, and I hate it because it makes me look fat. Not that she knew that. In the end, my cousin's girlfriend lent me a nice shirt to wear. I was so grateful. But it felt awkward. She has really pretty clothes, but she's 5'2 and a lot heavier than I am. Nevertheless, she is an amazing role model to me. She might be overweight, but she is happy. Like really and truly happy. I can't explain how I know this, but I do. She is happy. I admire that.
Then I got forced into dinner. It's a long story. She has asked me if I have "eating problems" because I like to skip meals. When I'm genuinely not hungry. Completely un-ED related. Anyways, I had to eat to keep her off my case. Which only made things worse, to me. I couldn't even stand to sit down. I hate my stomach when I sit. It was everything I could do not to get up and run out of that house. Run away, and run until I couldn't breathe, until I was far away from everyone.
I didn't even want to go tonight. I did it to make my grandma happy. I just wish that she would stop talking to me. I know that's extreme, but it's true. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her. I snap at everything she says. I'm sarcastic, and snarky, and rude. I know this, but I have no desire to change it. Whenever she talks to me, I get mad. Doesn't matter what she says. I just hate when she talks to me. This is who I have become.

I have a new found desire to avoid eating. I basically have about 28 days to lose as much weight as I can. So that means eating basically nothing. I start clean tomorrow. I might post progress about how I'm doing, but I don't want to bother anyone. It might help to keep me on track. I haven't binged for about 3 days now. I hope it stays that way. Usually, I can get into a "I already ate once, so I might as well keep going to punish myself." kind of mindset. It's so detrimental. I'm working on changing that.
I don't know how things will go when I am in Hawaii. With my dad there, it will be so much harder to skip meals. But hopefully we'll be doing a lot of walking around. Does anyone have any tips for skipping meals on vacation? I have never had to do it... and I am scared I'll give in. God, I'm so weak. I still haven't figured out how to avoid the guilt of wasting food, but that guilt is nothing compared to the self hate I feel towards myself, or the guilt I would feel.
Ugh.

I just want out. Away from my family. Away from everyone I know here. I don't want any reminders, or any connection. I want to be someone different than who I am. I don't want to be me. Anything would be better than this. Anyone.
When it gets closer to the end of the school year, I'm going to dye my hair, cut it off, and be crazy. I'm going to reinvent myself, lose a ton of weight over the summer, and finally reach 120 to be skinny by my senior year.
Well.... maybe.
A girl can dream, right?
And dream I shall.

I did enjoy the dinner theater. This guy that was sitting near me kept checking me out, and it was such a confidence booster. I mean, to know that it was possible to be attractive, even when I feel like I look like the size of a house.
But I guess tomorrow is a new day.

My dad is being an ass again. Ugh. That's my cue to go upstairs and ignore him. Whatever. Hope everyone is doing well. I can't wait for Saturday. (:

Holiday times!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas?
What did you do? (If anyone cares to answer. I always feel weird posting questions on here.... like who actually reads them?? xD)

My Christmas went okay.
My dad doesn't do holidays, so I went over to my grandma's to celebrate. My cousins and aunts are here to visit, so it was nice seeing all of them. I never see/talk to them anymore.
Of course, it had to be that day that I got the flu. So I didn't feel much up for doing things, and I didn't want to get anyone else sick. Though at least I didn't have to eat anything, and won't for the next week.

I got to see my nieces and they are so cute. I have 2 nieces and a nephew, and we were doing karaoke. My oldest niece loves to sing. She's such a diva! It was quite cute.
And then we took turns singing karaoke. My uncle is so funny!

And that's where it ends. Everything else in my head - stays in my head. I don't even know how to say it. Or what to write. :/

Happy feels good

Today feels like just any other day. Well, kinda. I did talk to Cimiron last night ^____^ so my mood has improved a ridiculous amount. I just want to dance and run and sing and be happy. I am happy. 3 weeks was wayy too long. Never again.
So that is a great start to my day!


Also, I finished all my Christmas shopping, so now I just have to wrap them. I'm finally starting to be excited for being around my family, and all that comes with Christmas. I don't intend to eat much. Plus I have the worlds worst cramps, so now I have a reason not to eat! I will do this. I'm also really bloated, so I'm a bit excited to weigh myself when I don't have the bloat, as I know I will have gone down. But this not knowing, is kinda killing me.
Bleh. I can't even stay mad about that! I'm too happy!

I think today I'm just gonna take it easy. There's nobody around, nothing to do, well not really, and I feel like cleaning. Why oh why do I get bored and then clean? I don't mind, I kinda like knowing that I've accomplished something.

I'm still trying to make plans with my friends. Or any of them. That's not working out so well. I don't want to spend my break hiding away in my house. I want to be out doing things, hanging out with people, anything! D: Guess I can't force them to.

Hope everyone is doing good, and Merry Christmas!! Xx

Ranting!

Why???
I have like the worst case of bitchiness to accompany my wonderful time of the month. I didn't think I was going to have it! In fact, I can't remember the last time I had it. Which probably isn't a good thing, but I don't care. I like not having it.
Especially times like these when I have horrible curl-in-a-ball-and-try-not-to-cry cramps and If-you-look-at-me-wrong-I-will-massacre-your-face-with-a-fork bitchiness.
-_____________________________- <---- Does this tell you how I feel about it?

Plus, when I get cramps, all I want to do is eat. Which I was already not allowing myself to do, since I need to lose weight, and I have Christmas coming up. Ugh.

Can someone just shoot me? I don't need this, I don't want it, I hate it. I can't wait till I lose so much weight that I no longer have to deal with these. I know that isn't healthy, but it is my thoughts. It's how I feel. I will get there one day, but I will also come back. I will recover. Someday. Right now, it's looking to be wayyyyyyyyy in the future.
At least if I feel like puking I won't want to eat! (:

Anyways, rant over. Now I'm going to go bake a cake (that I have no intention of eating.) (:

Christmas!

I never feel like I can be myself around my family.
Example?

My grandma - When I dyed my hair funky colors (purple and blue) she said that I was doing it because I wanted to be like someone else. When really, I was doing it because I'm crazy. I'm loud, weird, hyper, fun, etc. But not around her. She hates it.
My dad - He doesn't really know anything about me. I'm rarely ever around him anymore, so why should he? That's explanation enough in itself.
My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. - I never see them anymore. Not really. They all live out of state or something, so we don't talk much. There's really nobody around here that is my age, so my crazy-ness doesn't exactly float with them. They prefer I be chill.

The conclusion? I don't like spending much time around my family, but now they are here. And this time, there will be tons of food, and I know I have weird food habits, so I have to hide those from them as well, they can't know about Ana. I have to stay on track. I have about 30 days to lose as much weight as I can. And I will. I refuse to look like a whale in a bikini. If I can help it.


On a brighter note, I did Christmas shopping last night, and I think I'm finally starting to get into the Christmas spirit! It is finally starting to feel the slightest like Christmas.
:D

And it just means I'm that much closer to going to...... HAWAII!!!! ^______^ Can you tell that I'm excited?!!??! Nahh! xD

Now it's time to go socialize! I can't hide away forever! xD

What do you think of me?
Good and bad, I honestly want to know.

Winter Break!!

Finally!!!
I have no finals left. I think I failed my Chem final, but I also took my Spanish final! I think it sucked, but it could have been worse! I hope it doesn't kill my grade!!


Now!
Time to have fun!
I made plans with a friend to hang out in an hour, and I am kinda second guessing that right now. But it will be fun! ^_^
As for the rest of Winter Break (I go back on January 9th) I will have fun!! Not sure how, but I will!!

I really want to post pictures, and I have a lot to say, but for now, it has to wait! (:

Spanish Finals

I am so bad at Spanish. I have to memorize like 5 minutes of dialogue in about half an hour. For my final.

I'm so terrified for this because if I fail, I fail the class. I'm so scared.
Bleh! I hate Spanish!


Wish me luck! >.<

Time flies

I just realized... it's been 3 weeks since I last spoke to Cimiron. I don't think I've ever gone this long without talking to him. Ugh.

Usually when I feel like shit, talking to him just brightens everything, makes me feel so much better, about everything, about my life. About me.
Maybe that's just what I need.
I've been so busy studying for finals, and life has been so crazy recently that I just haven't had time. Or I've felt like shit, because of self harming, because I know what I am doing to my body, etc. So I just haven't called him.
I am such a bad girlfriend. I need to pull my head out of my ass. =P
So I fully intend on trying to call him tonight, and have a very nice conversation. If I am happy (like ridiculously happy) then you know it happened. (:

Just a little thought there.

Hope everyone is doing good!

Not healthy. I know

I was thinking about trying 2-4-6-8....
But then I got to thinking "What if I cut it in half and made it 1-2-3-4?" Then i'm always under 500.
I don't know. I think I might try this. Starting tomorrow. I need a plan. I can do this.

Just so everyone knows, my goal is 175 by the end of December. 170 would be better, but i'm going for 175.

^_^ ^_________^ ^_^

I can't wait for tomorrow!
I have 1 final!!

ONE!!!

Which means I get to relax! ^_^ And it's a Friday!! I don't know if I can get my dad to excuse me, but I am so excited. I got a B on my History Final (one of my toughest classes) and I'm sure I did good on the other ones! (:
I might go hang with a friend (Something I've been needing to do) and just laugh and have a good time.
I need it. I can't wait to do it. So there will definitely be a lot of that going on for Winter Break!!

What are everyone's plans?

Does anyone else feel a lack of Christmas spirit? I didn't even realize how close Christmas was. I mean, it feels like it isn't here yet, like it should still be a month or 2 away. Does anyone else feel like that?


I have some questions for anyone that reads this. Or if you even just pass by.
Just some questions I've been wondering, thinking about.
1. If you had to choose one word to describe me, what would it be?
2. Would you ever be friends with me if you saw me somewhere? Like would you talk to me?
3. Is there anything in particular you would like to read about? Or have me write about?
Ask away! ^_^

Me in 2010

Me in 2011

Me in 2012

I guess I haven't really changed much over the last 3 years. Not from what you see here anyways. But these are my top 3 favorite pictures of me. Conceded much? xD

Nahh! Everyone has to be conceded sometimes!

Going away

More and more things are wrong with me. Or I feel like they are. I have realized just how much I rely on other people, and I hate it. How much I let others do for me, how much I don't do for myself. I don't know.
I just want to be independent. I feel like that is not gong to well recently. I just feel so low. Almost everything I say is negative. I remember this one kid, an ex of someone I used to be friends with. He was so depressed, so negative. Eventually I stopped hanging out with him because i just couldn't take his negativity anymore. I didn't want to be around it.
So I guess I can't blame people for doing that to me.
I promise I will be more positive. I promise. This is  not good, and I will be better. Better and skinnier. I will. I'm sorry.... To everyone reading this.... I'm sorry I've been so negative. I promise to be more optimistic.

Dark thoughts creeping in

I am trying to stay positive, but even that is a challenge. I can feel the dark thoughts in my head, feel all of it. I feel physically sick because of it. I feel like a failure, because I have so much self hate inside of me, but even then I can't do anything about it. I am weak. I hate this. I wish I could just abstain from food forever, or find a sharp knife and cut it all off. I don't even want to write it out. I just want to stop hurting people, but not myself. I wish I could take the pain I inflict upon them and turn it towards me. All of it. I deserve it.

Winter -_-

Most of the time I like Winter.

When it isn't 2 degrees outside. I don't know the actual temperature, but that is what it feels like. I stood outside for 45 minutes, waiting for the bus to go to school. I was late, though not, since I don't have a first hour. But I was intending to use this hour to study for my Psych final, which I finish today. I think I did really well - and I hope it shows.

I feel so boring right now. Like all I can think about is myself, and I hate it. But I just don't feel like being around people. Or being social. I feel like that a lot actually.

I miss laughing with my friends, well one friend in particular. But since we are no longer friends, I can't do that. I need to make new friends. (;

If Ana and I can get along.

Though I did not take these pictures, this is what it looks like right now. Blah! It would be nice if it wasn't so freezing! xD

Oh well. I'm gonna defreeze, and try to enjoy it! ^_^

Optimismish!

That's right. If you understood that word at all, then good for you. But if you didn't, don't worry. It's my word.

I passed my History test yesterday... Didn't do as well as I could have, but definitely much better than all the other tests I've taken in that class. I got a 75% this time, compared to the way low scores I had gotten.

So I'm excited about that! Also, I know I will ace that final, I do believe I take it tomorrow. Right now I have a 72% overall in that class, but the final should bring that up. (:

I take my Psych final today, in about 30 minutes! And I've prepared so much - I know I will ace it! It feels good, because maybe then that will bring my grade up into the B range... which is where I want it to be. (:

I still have to work on my Spanish final, and my English final, but I am trying to not stress about it. English should be easy, the hard one is Spanish. But I can do it!

So in regards to my title of this post - I've been pretty pessimistic lately. And I'm tired of it. I want to smile and laugh, and be happy for once. So I am. I am going to try to be positive and keep my mood up for the rest of today. It's a Tuesday, and I know that the week is far from over. But I've got this. In Chem, I was having such a hard time understanding Stoichiometry, if any of you know what that is. I had 2 people try to explain it to me, but I still couldn't understand it.

Finally, last night, I just did. It just clicked, and though I still can't do it without my notes, I am so happy to say that I am finally getting it!

I have no idea what I weigh - and right now, I don't care to know. I'm in a good mood, and it just doesn't matter. I know that when I get home, I know the first thing I will do is weigh myself, but for right now, I'm just happy.

It feels so good.

I can't wait for the week to be over. I just want a break! Time to breathe, relax, stop stressing. I am also going to try to make plans with a friend. Any friend. If I have any left. Just to get away from being by myself, and I'm going to try to laugh and smile and have a good time. Instead of being so negative. Bleh.

It's a good day!

How is everyone else?