Always looking up!

Sophomore year. Things had been getting better. I got the help and support from my friends to stop cutting, which was no easy feat, but I can honestly say that I am glad that I did, and that I would never want to go back to that. But that doesn't mean that everything was cured and that all was well. However, it was better - at least for a while.
What I mean is, in the beginning of my Sophomore year, I was just as I was my Freshman year. Antisocial, nervous, and focused more on academics and school. At least at first. I was taking Honors classes, and even made a few new friends. But I still preferred being on my own, and having my Ipod was perfect. I could just curl up with a book and put my headphones in, and all would be well.
Things had gotten better between me and my dad, and although he continued to verbally abuse me (Making comments about my weight, telling me I could walk more, picking fights, never telling me anything positive, ignoring everything I tried to do, etc.) it was easier because I could just put my headphones in and blast some music and then his words couldn't effect me. I had gotten used to him not caring about the things I did, I had done them for me. I hated fighting with him, the things that he would say to me, and the things that I would say in return were designed to hurt... It never did any good. He would tell me that I was just like my mother, that I should go live with her. I won't tell you what that is about, because it's too personal, but that's just about the lowest blow he could make.
After every fight, I would run to my room, crying, put my headphones in and try to do something to distract me from the things he said. I knew he just wanted to hurt me, and that he was hurt himself. It's the theory of projecting onto someone else your fears, and though I tried so hard to prove to him that I was not going to turn out like my mother, that never stopped it.
So I began venting to the one person I could trust, A. She helped me, listened to me, understood what I was going through. She herself had been going through some of the same with her parents, and we could vent to each other, plan things that we would do once we were old enough to be on our own. We would plan things to do when we could get away from our parents. When we could finally be happy. But I can only take so much of that.. Because see, I have this possibly irrational fear that if I open up to someone they're going to listen while it suits them, but then as soon as they're finished, they're going to turn on me. And if you pair that with the fear I have of bother people with my problems, then you see what that meant. I hated opening up to people, because it was seemingly more trouble than it was worth. So I tried not to do it, and failed. I still try to this day.
I joined Colorguard my Sophomore year as well because it seemed like something fun to do that would help improve my transcript for college. It turned out to me more than that - I loved it. And we had an amazing season. We took first in all of our competitions, except for one, and then in state, we also took first, despite one of the judges wanting to disqualify us for using baby powder. I didn't really fit in there either, or at least it didn't seem that way. But I had a blast, and liked most all of my team!
This was a huge step for me, because now it's given me a new purpose, a love for a sport that keeps me in check, and also the confidence to be more social, though not in a bad way. It's hard to explain, but it's like Colorguard is my life now. It is what's helped me so much, and something I love to do! I finally started learning the rifle, and it's hard and painful, but so much fun!
All in all, this is what's made me who I am, or at least contributed to it. Things may not be the best, but they are getting better, and I realize that if I want anything to change, then I have to make it that way. I can't just sit by and wait for something to come along. Instead, I have to invent it, make it, and follow it. This is what makes me, me. (: