Too many thoughts

Last night I lay in my bed, thinking. So many thoughts were running trough my head that I couldn't sleep. A little while ago, my dad kicked me out. I can't even remember how long ago this was. But laying here thinking, I realized that where I'm staying right now, my grandma's house, this is my new home. I am not welcome back at my dad's, even if I wanted to go there in the first place.
See, he never notices anything I do. Unless it's negative. All I've heard from him is "You could have done ___ better.", "You didn't do ___ right!", "You aren't dedicated enough to do ___", "You ask for everything and give nothing in return.", and numerous other negative things. I do admit that there are probably a few things that I don't do right every now and then, or that I could do better, but I don't want to because it really isn't like it would make any difference. We would just continue the cycle, and I'd be doing more work and trying harder for nothing.
He makes little comments about my weight, saying things like "You don't really have the body for that shirt", "You could use a little exercise", "You need to start eating better and exercising more", or the most offensive one.... "You look pregnant!" They are mostly harmless comments, but I never seem to take them that way. I take them to mean that i'm fat, that I need to lose weight, that i'm ugly and gross. I rationally realize that I have not reason to take them that way, but I do anyways. And when he brings these things up, my defense is to start a fight because that's all I know how to do. I don't want to discuss it, and I know that a surefire way to get him to leave me alone is to fight.
On the one hand, I want my dad to be just that - a dad. I want him to notice the things I do, notice when I need help. I want him to want to be a part of my life - to know who my friends are, at least a little, to know who my boyfriend is. I want him to know how I do in school, little things like that. And even if he can't do that, I want him to want to know me.
A while back, we were talking about something, and he said "I know you. I know when you're happy, upset, excited, angry. I know you." and this just made me laugh because he thinks he knows me? What about when I needed help with my ED?? I still need help with it, but he can't tell. He couldn't tell when I was cutting, never thought to see if I was okay. Now this either means that i'm a really good liar, or he just chooses not to see me. I'm gonna go with the latter. I know that sounds harsh, but that's the way I see it. And that's complicated, because then my knee jerk reaction is that I don't want him in my life. I don't want to need him, I don't want to be weak. I want to be able to do things on my own, to live my life and be okay.
I don't know what i'm going to do once school starts again.. Do I stay here since he told me not to come back for a few weeks at least? Do I go to a place where now I feel like an outsider? Part of me antes to go home - he can't take that away from me because I live there. But the other part of me wants to stay at my grandma's because here I can go for a run whenever I want, I get to do pretty much anything, I don't have to fight with anyone, and I don't have to hear the put downs. This part of me says that I have 20 months till I turn 18, so why not just wait it out? Plus then we don't have to pay the $30 a month to get me to and from school.
I don't know what i'm gonna do, and school is gonna be here in less than 2 weeks. I don't really fit in there. It would be good because it would give me something to focus on and work towards, but then the sick part of my mind says that if i'm busy with school, then people won't notice that i'm not eating, and I can lose weight, and be healthy and beautiful. Finally. It sounds nice.... Nobody watching what I eat? Nobody noticing when I lose weight, and trying to keep it from happening? Yeah, that would be nice. But who do I listen to? The healthy part or the ED part? Can I even tell them apart anymore? I think i'm starting to agree with the ED part... Because it feels like i'm trying to make 8 different decisions at once, and I don't know what my choices are.
It's also August, which means that my boyfriend is going to be leaving soon, and I don't want that... I've had an amazing time with him this summer, making memories and such, but it went by too fast. I just got him back, and now I don't ever want to let him leave again... =/
Another random thought that is on my mind here at... 1:20 in the morning, is that I want to be able to make a difference. Whether that be with child abuse victims, or child trafficking victims, or even going to a place like Africa to Thailand, where they need help, could benefit from it - I want to go. I need to go. I just want to do one good thing for someone, even if it means nothing. Because it would mean something to me. Anyways, I have no idea where I am going with this, i'm tired but I can't sleep, and maybe now that I've puit these thoughts onto paper, I can finally sleep.