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I don't really know what to name this post, or even if I should name it, but I need to write. It's like this drive that I can't fathom, an addiction if you will.
My dad legit told me not to come back.... I mean I tried to fix things with him, and he told me that they couldn't be fixed, because I was asking irrational things and that I needed to come back down to earth.. Thanks for blowing me off.... And when I told him as much, he basically yelled that he had given me everything and had been working his whole life for me, and that I never acknowledged him, so therefore why should he acknowledge me? It doesn't make sense to me, but if he wants to be that way, then fine. I've tried my best, and done almost all I could. At some point, there has to be a give, and I think that I've reached it..
I don't want to pull away from him, but I'm afraid that's my only option. I guess I'll try day by day, and see where that gets me :D
On a brighter note, I wrote a poem! I used to write all the time, and most of the time it was dark and depressing. It was my way to get out my emotions, though I did have a few good ones too. Anyways, I think I might post it on here later, or at the end of this post, because I really liked it. It expresses everything that I'm currently feeling, but in a way that you can't just look at it, and tell exactly what I'm feeling. Also, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to music and jammin out.! It's pretty great.
So I had a conversation with someone today about how I was feeling, how he kept inspiring me to continue to fight this battle with my ED, and how he inspired me every day to get better. And he said that he would always be here for me, and listen when I needed him. He told me that I'm beautiful, and amazing, and that I was better than this horrible disease that I am plagued with. And you know what? One 30 minute conversation with him cleared away any lingering anxiety that I had today. I took a deep breath, smiled, and  changed my focus to that conversation. It worked wonders. He is the most caring, considerate, kind, human being that I have ever known, and I know he loves me and accepts me for who I am, ED and all. That means so much to me, because with everyone else, I feel like they are just listening to me sometimes, waiting till they can tell me something about them. Like they don't really hear the words I say, and that bothers me sometimes. Sometimes, it's nice to have someone to talk to that isn't going to treat me like that.
I don't really have much to say right now. I am excited for later today, because I get to curl up with a book and my music and enjoy the wonderful rainy day that we are supposed to have. It will be relaxing, and it is a new day where I can start over again, try to eat healthy, and it is also one more day that I can say I survived my ED. And if I look back at all the days I survived when I didn't think I could, then that is one more day I can add to my future.
I think I'm starting to get addicted to writing in this blog, venting my thoughts, documenting my life, my recovery from my ED, things like that. I hope that some day I can look back on it and see what it was like. I never want to get rid of this, because it is proof that I can hit the shit end of the stick, but then still come out on top - or so I hope.
Right now I am listening to Lightweight by Demi Lovato. She is such an inspiration to me, because she hasn't become entirely fake, or caught up in the stuff of Hollywood. She's been through and ED, and she has come out on top, and her music! God, her music is so inspirational, because it's true, and it has meaning. I can actually see how it might be something she wrote out of her heart, versus something that she wrote off the top of her. The emotion she has when she performs live, it's something that you can notice, and something that a lot of other stars lack. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense... Right now, I'm super tired, but again, I can't sleep. There's too much going on in my head.
But I think this thing with my dad, him pushing me away before I'm 18, it will help a lot more. Maybe not right now, as I wish it would, but eventually. It's getting me away from the main triggers of my ED, and it's giving me a chance to start new, to improve and get healthy. I want to keep my relationship with my dad, but right now that doesn't seem to be an option. But I have time, and once I work on me a little bit, then I can go back and do whatever it takes to fix this thing with my dad. I will come out on top of this, stronger than when I went in it. Why? Because I am me, and I refuse to have it any other way. These things are what make me, well me. (: