No More..

Today could be a good day.

Not.

Here's the truth: I'm struggling.
I'm struggling so fucking hard and I'm so close to giving up. I'm so fucking close and for the last few days I've felt a wild desperation, a need for relief from this. Just for a moment.
Struggling to reach out to someone, have the idea that there is someone out there to talk to. Then I tear myself down. Who am I to think I deserve someone to talk to?
To think that I deserve a reprieve from my hell?

I admit, things are worse now than they were before. What's triggered it, I don't know. But I hardly speak to anyone anymore. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything. I don't even notice the days passing. I wish I could dip that blade into my skin, but I have to be good. Fighting my emotions, my thoughts, is a struggle.

I haven't slept in over 48 hours. How long exactly, I don't know. But I've been cutting, smoking weed, eating and cutting some more, taking laxatives, and wishing I was dead. I can't choose between desperately wanting to remain awake and wishing I could fall into a black sleep and not think or feel anymore.
I fight the wish that I had someone by my side to fight with me right now. To talk to. It just doesn't feel like it's possible or worth it, and there's not enough of me left to do it on my own. Where do I go from here?

This is different from before. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't have anything left worth fighting for. I don't want to fight anymore..

Every choice I make, I hate myself all the more. I honestly have nowhere to go, and I'm dying inside. And out.