I messed up in more ways than one, and I know I should feel worse than I do.
I've sunk to being just that low of a person, and I'm undeserving of every good thing in my life. The one person I've told about it basically told me what I already know.
But I can't do it. As much as I know I need to do it, I'm more inclined to hide it. Forget it ever happened, and never say a word. I could do it too...
I know how distrustful I am.
I'm manipulative.
I'm a bitch.
I'm not worthy of what I have anymore.
But I feel almost nothing. I say almost, because I'm fucked up in ways beyond my years. I feel everything.. Anger. Guilt. Panic. Hate. Shame. More guilt.
But I feel nothing at the same time. Nothing I'm supposed to feel... Remorse. A want to make it right. To lose them because of my actions, as I deserve to do.
No.. I'm apparently not that good of a person anymore. I've sunk way lower... But still I feel nothing.
Oh sweetie, you're not undeserving. We all make mistakes. And you happened to make one that is hard to take back. We both know what you should do, but if you don't, I won't love you any less. I'm always here for you.
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I know what I need to do. Now I just need to do it.. Thank you for standing by me though. Xx
DeleteDearest J, you are so harsh on yourself. You know that it's true, even if you won't accept it. I wish I could get you to see you how I do; for now, I'll be here whenever I can. As Katie says, everyone makes mistakes! The failure comes when we don't try again - and you keep trying, love, so you are NOT a failure. Hang in there and pull through this semester. I believe in you sooo much. XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI didn't make the kind of mistake tht can be taken back, or fixed. There is only living with the knowledge of what I've done, and moving on. That's just easier said than done.
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