I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Fear Controls Me

I'm scared to sleep, scared of what I might find there. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to fall into sleep and away from reality.
It's almost 1 am here, and I know I should be sleeping but I can't. The laxies I took earlier should kick in here soon. I really hope so.

I weighed myself earlier. (Almost fully dressed) and the scale said 165. I weighed again just a little bit ago, and the scale said 164.5. So my weight is dropping, but I'm also bloated and had extra weight added so I'm not stressing too much. But I just want my fucking period over with.

I feel purposeless, and that's probably the worst feeling ever because where do you go from here? What do you do? I don't know.

I have a stupid cold combined with allergies and I think it's starting to make my tonsils swell up again. This scares me because both times I've had it happen before I was almost rushed to the ER because my throat was closing and I couldn't breathe. I really don't want it to happen again, but there's not much more ican do that I'm not already doing. I guess hope. I just have to hope the swelling goes down.

I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out about everything. Having someone to talk to right now would be amazing, but normal people are asleep. Can't blame them.. I would be too.
So I'm on my own.
Wish me luck.
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2 comments:

  1. Katie ElizabethMarch 2, 2014 at 4:01 PM

    Don't be afraid to sleep. Sometimes that's the only escape from reality that we have. I'm thinking about you.
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J (:March 2, 2014 at 4:07 PM

      When I sleep, my dreams haunt me. That's what my fear stems from. But thank you. Xx

      Delete

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