I was stuck at plateau of 162 for a while there. I would get down to 159.6, and then id increase again. It was so frustrating.
I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.
After my brief stint with meth, I got down to 155. That's what I'm stuck at now.
Except... I spent the weekend at a friends and basically binged, so now I currently weigh 156.8.
Starting tomorrow, I will have no food. I will fast, and I will do anything necessary to lose weight. Even knowing how stupid it is... I'd go back to drugs to lose the weight. The only thing holding me back right now is that I don't have any money.... But in a way I guess that isn't really holding me back.
Every day I just get more and more upset with myself. Upset for not trying harder and sooner in school. I get sad for watching what other people have, knowing I could have had that.
I've missed out on so many things already, and what I have doesn't feel like a life.
It's the reason for constant cuts on my arms.
The reason I starve.
Or the reason I binge and then purge and take laxies.
It's the driving reason behind my drug use.
And every day it just gets worse.
I don't want this. I don't want this life. I wish I could give it up to someone who deserves it.
But the only thing I have control over is my beating heart. My breath. And only I can take it away. Only I can take the pain away.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
I love you so much dear, but I am so worried about you. I know that you think that your stint with Meth was brief, I know how that shit works, and so do you. You've seen what it does to your body, your healthy, your family and friends. You've lived that shit. Please be smart and don't go back to it. You are way too beautiful and smart to be fucking up your life. And you know that I say this out of love. You're one of my best friends and you deserve so much more for your life.
ReplyDeleteOh BTW, I don't have Imessages any more. So send me a message on FB. I love you.
XOXO
Drugs to lose weight might work because it stops you from eating, but eventually you have to give your body a break from them and then you need to eat. It will never work out in the long run, it'll just kill you from the inside out and you know it. Sounds harsh, but that is the truth. And I don't want you to die.
ReplyDeleteI believe in you. I believe you can push through and find a place within yourself where you're even remotely stable. Think about what it is you want and fucking fight for it. You can do it, my sweet girl.
Sending you so much love xxxxxxxx