Long Day

Still no best friend.

I guess I'm more upset than I wanted to admit...

I still haven't decided what to do with pictures of us. I feel like she was my sister. Like I lost a part of me.

Every story I start to tell has her name in it, and it only makes me angrier. How could she just act like I was nothing?

I have until Saturday to find somewhere to stay, and the apartment I had a chance of moving into fell through. One of the people who live there is a friend of my boyfriend and his girl decided she didn't want us there because she would "lose her privacy". Which is such an excuse. I mean, c'mon. If you're gonna lie to me, at least lie well.

So now I don't know where my boyfriend and I are gonna move. He doesn't seem that worried about it, but I am just tht much more stressed.

Stress causes weight gain, and I can definitely see it.

It's already the 7th of August and I still don't know my weight. I don't want to, and I am so terrified of what I weigh. I know I will have to face the music, and soon...

But not today.

My mom is back and forth and back with me almost all the time now. I thought getting through all the court shit would make things easier. I thought the hard part was over. I was so wrong.

I am not in control. Of anything. I'm about to go pick up blades behind my boyfriends back one of these days so I can cut. I can't fight that anymore.

I am falling. I thought I couldn't fall anymore.

Working with my boyfriend is still confusing. Sometimes I feel inadequate and insecure because I do something wrong, and sometimes I feel like his anger is directed at me or I take something too personally. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough.

But sometimes things go well. Sometimes it feels like I can understand their vibes and we find a rythem. Sometimes I can understand why my boyfriend is angry and realize that it isn't directed at me.

But going back and forth so much is tiring. It makes me frustrated. It makes things sometimes impossible. I just need to find my balance, and I guess in time I will. For now, I guess I'll deal.

I'm trying to save my tips from this job so that when I get paid, I can buy a computer that I have needed so bad. So far, I'm not even a forth of a way towards the $250 I need. But since the football season is coming up, or already starting (depending on how you see it) I should be able to get there relatively soon.

Then maybe I can get my GED.

Maybe get a small part of myself back.

Probably not.

After work, we sat around for a while drinking beer. They were watching the football game and I've been listening to music. I don't really fit in. I don't drink much because I'm terrified of the calories. I have eaten more than I needed to today, though I'm sure I burned a lot during work today.

But somehow I'm still hungry.

I'm absolutely freezing. I cannot get warm.

I just want to sleep. For a long time. If I let  myself sleep tonight until my body is rested, I will feel absolutely lazy and fat tomorrow. But I find it almost impossible to go to sleep earlier. So I can't.

I need to just forget for a while.

Forget everything.