Today was pretty much the busiest day of the season, and I didn't work. I wish I had, though.
Instead I have say around, not even doing much in the way of exercise.
If I don't exercise, then I sure as hell don't deserve to eat. I'm at 17 hours of fasting, and hungrier than I would like to be.
I thought about asking my boyfriend to make me some food, but I eventually came to the conclusion that doing such a thing would be admitting defeat.
I am not hungry, I do not need to eat.
Instead, I smoke cigarettes to ease my hunger. And I actually thought for one moment that I might want to quit? Haha. Right.
I'm still not sure where I am staying tonight. Last night I slept in a boat, because we were unable to get a hotel. I would just as soon sleep there again if it meant not spending money we don't have on just one night of a hotel. But it seems I am the only one thinking that.
(If I spent money on a hotel, I wouldn't have money to buy food then either) <--- That's what I care about.
I'm not sure how I am supposed to be thinking about anything in life when I seem to only be able to focus on work (or lack thereof) and trying to find somewhere to live.
Those two things and the fact that I have zero support from my family seem like reason enough for me.
I think I'm going to go buy a monster (25) in hopes that it helps, cuz god damn. But I have to be strong. This is only the beginning to getting my control back.
Empty is strong.
I am defined as the space between my thighs.
I hope things get better for you real soon. It sucks not having any support from your family. My family supports me fully, but sometimes I feel so alone because I have my Ana and I have to keep it a secret. My mom had me go to outpatient treatment for my disorder when I was younger, and I have kept it a secrest as best as I could since then. It is hard when noone understands what you are going through. I will keep you in my thought and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Xx
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