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I am so anxious right now.
Today was not a good day.
I ate so much more than I should have. And too many things that I can't take back.
I get more and more anxious about this interview. I have to pass a drug test and I smoked today so I just hope I can pass it.
I weighed myself today and the number was so not what I was expecting. Maybe that's why I binged. I want to cut but I know I would cut deeply. Therefore I cannot do such a thing.

I asked my grandparents for $20, so I would have gas to get to my interview on Monday. I didn't want to ask them. I feel so guilty, but I felt guiltier when I didn't. My dad used to always ask them for money. I don't want to be like him, and maybe that's why I didn't want to ask. I hate it.
I felt anxious when my brother showed up because his girlfriend, him, and her kid were eating food my grandparents made for dinner and they were running errands and hadn't eaten yet. I didn't want to say anything, but I wanted to he sure they had enough to eat. Which lead to guilt that I shouldn't have eaten because that would have been food they could eat. I don't know why I immediately resorted to that line of thinking. But that is always how it used to be, in my family. There wasn't always enough, so I usually compensated with food I should have eaten. But I guess even other situations that relate to food make me uncomfortable.

I have been staying at my grandparents house too. Until I can get this job. I feel guilty for that, because I often feel bad being around my family since I am so different and they know pretty much nothing about my life. I try to be as helpful as I can and my bofriend does too, but I always feel as if I am not doing enough. But I couldn't even tell you what I WOULD consider "doing enough".

When I fast, I feel like I am never hungry enough. Not that there is such thing as "hungry enough", but I guess in my mind, there is. It doesn't make sense to me. I never feel lile I am making enough progress. I smoke a lot more than I should, and this high anxiety only fuels my need to smoke. Smoking to me relieves some of my anxiety, if only temporarily.

I want to be away from here, but where would I go? I have absolutely nowhere to go. I want to get out of Colorado, but no way to do that.
I feel powerless. I feel like I am just waiting. I feel more hopeless than I have felt in a long time, and that is always a trigger to cut. I want to burn. Those aren't so noticeable, if I do it right. I wonder if my boyfriend would notice?

I am so tired of being conscious and aware of how much of a fuck up I am. I wish I could sleep, but my brother and company are still awake less than 30 feet from me. And so I get even more anxious. I wish I had sleeping pills. So I could fade from reality when things got to be too much.
Like now.
Aye.

Mayday.
Mayday.
Woman down.
No more.